Read the eXile - issue #142 text version

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Dying for Your Sins!

ISSUE#10/142· 29 May 2002- 13 June 2002·

· F R E E ·

w w w . e x i l e . r u

eXclusive WVL Christ Cup Coverage Inside! Page 2

SAVE US! P. 11

DENIED!

Will Pavel Bure kill the eXile? p2 It's alive! The Beast slays the Mayor p4 Wines fib busted on tape p5 War Nerd calls out sub-continent p6 The original Sex Machine cums to Moscow p13 Higgins' Kino Korner p18 Dr. Dolan prescribes PKD p21 Moldavians put "M" in Murder p22

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PAVEL BURE KICKED OUR ASSES

By Mark Ames

Plenty of shitty things have happened over the past 2 weeks, four score shitty things. So let me start off with the most ridiculous of all: Pavel Bure, or at least a pair of shabbily-dressed lawyers claiming to represent Pavel Bure, last week somehow succeeded in getting a judge to issue a 500,000 ruble judgment against the eXile. Meaning that we'll either be saved by a White Knight, shut down, or we'll be paying these creeps off kopek by kopek for the rest of our natural lives, and then some... long after we've been cryogenically frozen. We had kept this case quiet for a long time. For months we didn't believe it was real--we didn't believe the telegrammed summonses, thin strips of ticker paper we were receiving every few weeks from the Baumanskaya Court; we didn't believe the stinky old sovok who started delivering those telegrams by hand... and we didn't believe the low-rent one-page fax we got from a lawyer named Grigory Kul'kov, claming to represent international hockey superstar Pavel Bure. We thought, amazingly enough, that some other newspaper, maybe The Russia Journal's Ajay Goyal, was putting us up to an elaborate, and ill-executed prank. The lawyers claiming to represent Bure sued us for 2,000,000 rubles for pain and suffering due to a lame--even by our bottomless standards-- article in an issue that came out on May 3rd last year, after I'd already moved from Moscow to Kentucky. It was a concept issue--a parody of The Weekly World News and The National Enquirer, and not a very successful one at that. One of the least successful articles claimed that Bure dumped Anna Kournikova after he discovered that she had two vaginas. Bad joke, big deal. Six months later, a lawsuit was initiated based on the theory that that article impacted Bure's ability conduct charity events for children. I swear to god this is true. If you don't believe me--and I know among you Western correspondents and North American females there is a sense of hope mixed with your suspicion--then do yourself a favor and call Pavel Bure's agent yourself. His name is Mike Gilles. His telephone number in the States is 1-613-548-4917. Or try a PR agency that claims to represent Bure, and acted as a "witness" to his suffering, although the witness wasn't present when the surprise verdict was read last Wednesday. The PR agency is called "Mesto Pod Soltsem" and their telephone number is 960-5403. Ask for Yulia. It came as a surprise, I'll admit it. The first hearing I went to in March was such a joke--the lawyers claiming to represent Bure were so flattened--that the judge postponed everything for two months just to give the opposing lawyers a chance to prove that they really represented Bure. Their power of attorney was declared invalid; it was so flawed and suspect that she stopped the argument proceedings and I was sure she was on the verge of throwing the whole thing out. The next meeting the lawyers skipped town. Meanwhile, they had initiated an ethics complaint against the judge, something that seemed to both enrage and unnerve her. I figured it was all over. I found out about the surprise final verdict, delivered under very suspicious circumstances, just after returning from my grandmother's funeral in America. She died two weeks ago. She died on Mother's Day, while I was in Israel. It wasn't unexpected--she was 89, and until last year she was strong as an ox. Nothing could take her down: breast cancer, anemia, two open heart surgeries, a pig valve, a stroke...she took them all on. She even divorced her husband at the age of 85. She'd kick Bure's ass. But something happened to her at the end of last summer. I think she just hit that point where "it" was no longer worth it. She suddenly curled up, lost her senses, and died. After the funeral, I found out that she had left each of her four grandsons an elegant, expensive piece of jewelry. Three of them got theirs; I learned that mine had disappeared under mysterious circumstances, likely pawned off by my own grandmother just before she quit out last year. And it gets worse. I returned last Thursday, my machine full of phone calls telling me what an ass I'd made of myself on "Bolshaya Stirka." That meant I had to hide the whole weekend. Monday, ugly fights in the office. Our designer court-martialed. New faces in the office that look like they crawled out of an old Berkeley acid-stained hallucination, or a trailer park in Eastern Kentucky. It's hard to believe that just one year ago, I lived the quiet life in Kentucky. Only one woman in all of Russia is willing to spend two weeks living with me comes from Volgodonsk, and if no one out there steps up, she's going to be it. To her credit, she seems pretty aptly annoying, and she seems proud of it. It will make for a good game, as they say. Her name is Lena, and she's a 25-year-old "economist." Hurry up, girls! Your chance is slipping! After all, the lawyers claiming to represent Pavel Bure are nipping at our poverty-stricken heels! It's funny, yeah, but then again, it's not funny. As one friend said, he always expected us to get shut down--that was the thrill of reading us, in a semi-democratic state, even moreso under Putin (a close friend of Bure's, by the way). But who would have thought that Pavel Bure--I'd never even HEARD of the guy before this lawsuit!--would shut us down. O the infamy, the humiliation, the pettiness of it all. What a lame way to end such an epic experiment in totally free and irresponsible journalism! As you'll notice, on page 11 of this issue we've announced a contest to any NHL player (or for that matter any rich Western or Russian businessman idealistic enough and warped enough to understand what the world will be like without the eXile) who, in return for paying off the "pain and suffering" award to Pavel Bure, will receive from this newspaper the most honored chair we have ever offered: Permanent Honorary Editor-In-Chief. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. The truth about the Bure case is that I don't quite understand it. A few correspondents I told this to immediately assumed that it was the Kremlin's hand. I'm not sure about that. Another journalist from Canada pointed out to me that Robert Friedman's "Red Mafiya" book has an entire chapter devoted to Bure. He offered to let me read it. I declined. I get the point. In fact, everyone around here in our office does. And frankly, it's scary. I have tried several times to call Bure's agent. He refuses to return my calls. I've spoken with the press office at the New York Rangers hockey club team. They didn't like what I told them, and referred everything to Gilles. So here it is, live from Hitler's Bunker. The eXile, surrounded on all sides, the steel pincers claws closing in and ready to crush us...not, mind you, by the mighty Soviet and Allied armies, but by a couple of lawyers whose office I've never seen claiming to plunder us on behalf of some pop star hockey player whom I'd never heard of before. Does anyone find this insane? Does anyone give a shit? PS: Note to gloaters. Don't get your hopes up too high. The eXile's movie production company, Good Machine, just got bought out by Universal Studios a few weeks ago. That's all I'll say about that.

It's summer 2002. Four years of regular season play all come down to this. The guts, the glory, the wailing in front of the TV cameras... The championship countdown season for the world's oldest, most popular sport of all has arrived again. That's right, it's the World Victimization League's Christ Cup 2002 Finals! Where victimized races, religions, ethnic groups and genders the world over battle for that tiny, scarce space in the limelight known as "Air Time." Who will be crowned World Victim Champion this year? Which ethnic group has been able to convert as much real suffering into re-transmitted pathos over the past four years? What peoples across the world have risen from obscurity, fallen from grace, stormed out of nowhere only to recede again, and which victimized peoples remain in total obscurity? We're here to tell you. What makes this year's World Victimization League Christ Cup Finals so special for us is that this year, for the first time, our new spin-off project, Victim Network (VNeX), the eXile's 24-hour victimization coverage i-network, is bringing to you eXclusive live coverage of this most major of major

TUTU, IN PURPLE ROBES, LEANS OVER THE BOAT TO REACH FOR A 10-RAND NOTE.] Adams: What're ye doon, Fadder? Ye're after soilin' yer wee robe! Tutu: No you see, Gerry, I want this 10rand note. [TUTU REACHES FARTHER OVER THE SIDE, TIPPING THE BOAT] Adams: Ye're mad, Fadder, if ye doon mind me sayin'--ye'll have us drowned fer a feew pence. Would ye let me die before our day comes, the establishment of a free, Irishspeaking, 32-county republic? Would ye? Tutu: Don't you know, man? With the new 10-10-220 long distance service, I can call anywhere and get 20 minutes for 99 cents. Adams: Now what if I wanted to call far places--Donegal, now, or even Leitrim? Sure they'd be miles from the Falls--I'd still get yer 99-cent deal? Tutu: Yes, man! Even to Lesotho. You must listen to me. 10-10-220 offers long distance to anywhere, 20 minutes for 99 cents. It's the non-violent choice for champion victims. [ADAMS PULLS OUT AN AK-47, EMPTIES

Sitting beside Jim McKay in the booth is Tom Jackson, former Denver Broncos linebacker and still as black as ever. And joining them is the inimitable rant machine, America's favorite quipster, Dennis Miller. This is a guy who'll make a victim out of all of us! Over to you, Jim. Jim McKay: Good morning and welcome to the 2002 World Victimization League Christ Cup Finals pre-game preview. I'm Jim McKay, and I'm joined here by Tom Jackson and Dennis Miller. We've also got with us in the studio today one of the real Cinderella stories in the WVL, General Manager of the Palestinian team Yasser Arafat. Welcome, gentlemen. All: Good morning. McKay: Tom, it's been a helluva fouryear season, full of upsets, surprises, ups and downs. Tom Jackson: It really has, Jim. McKay: Let's take a look back at the last few years. In 1998, the reigning champions the Bosnian Muslims, who took the Christ

THE CHRIST CUP 2002:

PREGAME SHOW!

world events. This summer, once again, the world's greatest victims will battle it out to see who walks home with the Championship trophy so desperately coveted by victims the world over: The Christ Cup. In honor of Jesus Christ, the founder of the National Victimization Association back in 32 A.D., which later became the Known World Victimization League, and finally, during the age of Enlightenment, merged with the Dark Continent League to become the World Victimization League that we know it as today. Jesus Christ: superstar, the man who wrote the rules on being a victim and who gave his life to the game, the Son of God to many of his fans, controversial in his time, and still to this day considered the single greatest victim to ever play the game. Don't forget to visit the Jesus Christ World Victimization Hall of Fame in Shelbyville, Kentucky! Which ethnic group will go home with the Christ Cup? Stick with us here at VNeX for our eXciting eXclusive pre-game show. And now, a word from our sponsors: [GERRY ADAMS AND DESMOND TUTU IN A SMALL ROWING BOAT, FISHING. AN ENTIRE CLIP INTO TUTU'S CHEST, TIPS HIM OVER THE BOAT, REACHES FOR THE 10-RAND NOTE AND HOLDS IT UP.] Adams: Sure the best way to keep from the sin of covetousness is to keep all the pennies in yer own personal possession. Thanks fer the contribution, fadder, and peace be with ye among the fishes. Now, yer man has a lot of phone calls t'make! ...Okay, we're back here at VNeX, the Victim League fans' only 24-hour network with eXclusive coverage of the 2002 World Victimization League's Christ Cup Finals. Let's turn now to our award-winning team covering this year's finals. With us for the pre-cup finals coverage is Jim McKay, whom we all know from his stellar coverage of one of the great World Victimization League regular season matches. It was 1972 in Munich, where the Israelis, then the world's undisputed champions, got shaken in Munich by an almost totally unknown expansion team who called themselves "The Palestinians." The match took place in Munich, home to so many memorable Victimization League matches throughout the centuries. And boy was that a moment.

By Mark Ames

Cup in 1994, really collapsed badly. They just fell apart, losing in the opening round in `98 to the white American underclass, who made a spectacular showing in the early rounds. Jackson: Well Jim, the Bosnians lost a lot of players to both the North American and the EuroLeague Divisions. The Bosnian team couldn't convert their stunning 1994 upset over the Jews to build a lasting franchise. Many of them got green cards. Dennis Miller: Yeah, but no green eggs and ham. I mean come on, what is a Bosnian Muslim anyway? Are they for real? McKay: (forcing a laugh) 1998, what a year. They say that when it comes to the Christ Cup, the only surprise is when there is no surprise. For years, the Jews dominated the games, going knee-to-knee with some of the greatest victim franchises in modern history: black people, the proletariat, colonial subjects, even slaves. Tom? Jackson: You're right, the Jews have really been the team to beat throughout the second half of the 20th century. And everybody really expected them to close the millennium with a victory just to really seal their status as the 20th century's WVL champions. You know, there's a lot of controversy over

POINT SYSTEM: Keeping Score in the WVL Christ Cup 2002

Changes were made according to an international panel that meets semi-annually in New York VICTIM Non-Christian massacred by Christians Christian massacred by non-Christians Massacred by Muslim Massacred or jailed by Communists Massacred or jailed by China Massacred by other Americans massacred by non-Americans American missionary in Russia Jews African-American Black South African White South African African Irish Catholic Basque Guatemalan Indian Fergana Valley Uzbek Karen Male *Male forced to grow beards *New point value in the 2002 Christ Cup Note: Each team's forwards are added up for their representation. Thus, an upper-middle-class Jewish lesbian with a cold father is 3.35+1.5+2.2, or 7.05. If she is a lesbian, as many of them are at one point in their lives, she scores an additional 2.3 points. If she becomes a lesbian because she has a recovered memory of childhood abuse (a new category), add another 1.8 points. It's not difficult to see why the Jewish team is still strong today, fielding so many strikers and halfbacks with all the fundamentals of victimization. POINTS 3 0 0.3 2.1 0.7 0.0015 3.2 1.3 3.35 1.8 1.4 1.2 0.45 1.26 0.31 0.31 0 -0.3 0 2.4 VICTIM Working class white males White trash Females African-American female Upper-middle class female married to cold corporate husband *Recovered-memory victims Other female *Female forced to cover face Gay Lesbian Bi-sexual HIV-positive HIV-positive gay artist HIV-positive Third World heterosexual HIV-positive drug addict Malaria-infected Dysentery-infected *Palestinian in Israeli-occupied territory *Palestinian in Arab refugee camp POINTS 1.4 1.45 1.5 1.2 2.2 1.8 0.7 2.4 1.4 2.3 -1.1 0.3 2.2 0.25 -3.5 n/a n/a 2.9 0.2

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that, with black people and Third Worlders claiming that they've been getting some unfair officiating and bad breaks, but you really have to hand it to the Jews. They were consistent. They stuck to the game plan. In 1998, there was no one Victim team that challenged the Jews. Schindler's List was still hot on everyone's mind. [Cut to highlights] McKay: Yes it was, and what a film that was. It made me feel so awful, I almost moved to a kibbutz, even at my age. Miller: Sorry Jim, they don't grow prostate cancer on their kibbutz farms. Stay in the US, you rich white corporate male. McKay: Uh...huh. The Jews, led by the Holocaust Survivor Squad [Cut to highlights] and their motto "We must never forget," really redefined how the WVL game is played. They outscored, out-complained, and outspent every team they faced: the East Timorese, the Northern Irish Catholics, African-Americans, the gay and lesbian teams, AIDS carriers, Latin American peasants, you name it. Jackson: That's right, Jim. But still they didn't have it easy. 1998 was the year that we first heard about globalization's victims. McKay: It was the year of the Financial Crisis. The Asian Contagion. Look at this: in Indonesia, once the darling of the white male corporate world, suddenly 80 percent of the population was plunged into desperate poverty. The seeds were sewn for the South Pacific division teams to really come alive. Jackson: And not just them, but it set the stage for educated, knit-hat-wearing, white Vegan university students in the North American and EuroLeague to make a run for it in 1999 at the North American division playoffs in Seattle. McKay: Right you are. But still, the Jews went on to win in `98, in spite of strong showings by the East Timorese, the victims of globalization, and a solid showing by HIVpositive gay artists. What a century the Jews had. But 2002 is a new beginning. And as strong as the Jews are, really at every position on the field, one team has soared past every-

and he's as qualified as anyone out there. I'm just focused on our team and how we can make our victimization work best. Jackson: Of course, there's the West Bank Offense that you've perfected with the short bomb, Yasser. What can you tell us about that? Arafat: Well, I'd rather not talk about it. I'd rather talk about the team spirit we built during camp training all these years. McKay: Woops, hold on here. Got to cut to a special service announcement from the WVL. We'll be right back after this break, don't go away: [GRAINY PICTURE OF MAN IN A WHITE ROBE RIDING A DONKEY. IN THE DISTANCE, SUN SILHOUETTES A CITY.] Voice Over: They said he was a fool. [ANGRY SCREAMING GRAINY PEOPLE, THEN CUT TO MAN ON DONKEY APPROACHING CITY.] VO: They said he was wrong for wanting what was right. [SILHOUETTE OF SHIELDS AND LONG SPEARS.] VO: They told him that if he didn't stop agitating on behalf of the downtrodden multitudes... [CUT TO MAN ON DONKEY NOW ON A HILLTOP, ARMS RAISED, GRAINY] Man: And blessed are the meek... VO: Or else, they would crucify him. [CUT TO JESUS ON A CROSS, FOLLOWERS WEEPING BELOW.] VO: One man. One cross. All of humanity saved. He was the first victim, and he'll be the last. The Lord Our Savior, Jesus Christ. Holder of every Victimization record since the beginning of time. [CUT TO SEVERAL QUICK SHOTS OF POOR STARVING PEASANTS REACHING OUT, THEN IN A FLASH OF LIGHT, A CLEAR SHOT OF JESUS ON THE CROSS.] Jesus: Go ahead. Leave me up here. Make my eternity. [CUT TO SEVERAL PLAYSTATION-LIKE ROBOTIC TYPES, SIMILAR TO NFL GRAPH-

off, or I'll beat you myself. Zhasmin: I choose number two, Miss Dworkin. With pleasure! Just so long as I can call my husband. He can beat me too. What is that number again? Dworkin: 10-10-220. That's 10-10220. If I can only reach that damn bill. Here, I'll hold you by your feet, and you use your teeth to snap it up. I don't want to get myself wet. I sink easily, you know. [DWORKIN LEANS BACK IN BOAT, SPLASHING...CUT TO DWORKIN HOLDING ZHASMIN BY HER FEET AS ZHASMIN REACHES FOR 1 DOLLAR BILL WITH HER TEETH...] Zhasmin: I got it! Miss Dworkin! Dworkin: [HAULING HER IN] That's what you think! ...back to the WVL League studios. McKay: We're back with the Christ Cup pre-game show. I'm here with Tom Jackson and Dennis Miller. Tom, very interesting conversation with Palestinian General Manager Yasser Arafat. He seemed confident, didn't he? Miller: Yeah, with a name like Arafat, you get the feeling that he won't be going hungry any time soon. I mean come on, what the heck is with these Palestinians anyway? These guys blow up women and children with razor bombs attached to their nads, and they're the ones who score the victim points? I haven't seen anything this upside-down since Kevin Kline held John Cleese out the third floor window in A Fish Called Wanda, you know? McKay: Uh, right. Tom? Jackson: Yes Jim, he seemed confident, cool, and assured of himself. Let's take a look at the highlights here... [CUT TO HIGHLIGHTS OF BULLDOZERS IN CAMPS, BODIES, AND WAILING IN FRONT OF CAMERAS.] Jackson: As you can see, the Palestinians soundly defeated the Jews in the Orient Division championships last month. Of course both teams qualified for the Christ Cup, but many people think that

Victim Network's Pre-Game Lineup: (L-R) Jim McKay, Tom Jackson, Dennis Miller, Yasser Arafat

one's expectations, coming almost to even odds by the bookies to take the Christ Cup this summer. I'm talking of course about the Palestinians. And with us here in our studio, we have the General Manager of the Palestinian team, Yasser Arafat. Yasser Arafat: Hi Jim. McKay: It's good to have you with us, Yasser. Arafat: Thanks Jim, good to be here in your studios. McKay: You guys, the Palestinian Team, were really the doormats of the Orient Division for years. Of course it was hard being in the same division with The Jews, who have literally owned the World Victimization League even going back, heck, to the days when it was just the Known World Victimization League, before it merged with the Dark Continent and New World Indigenous Peoples' League. But lately they've been slipping and you guys came out of nowhere to challenge them. What was it? Some say draft picks, others say team work. Arafat: Well, with a new generation, we were pretty happy with our draft picks, but that's not it. We trained hard, we made some changes at the top, but more than anything we just watched a lot of films. Studied the films, where we went wrong, where the other teams were going right. McKay: Films of the Jews? Arafat: Of the Jews, yeah Jim, but not only Schindler's List. We watched a lot of films of successful victims. Gandhi, King of Kings, that sort of stuff. McKay: Some say that Sharon is just a one-season coach, that he's too fixated on the long bomb and that times have changed. Arafat: Well, I'm not going to talk bad about Sharon, he's been around a long time ICS, GETTING NAILED ON CROSSES AND BURNED, SCREAMING] VO: Brought to you by The World Victimization League. The 2002 Christ Cup. It hurts just thinking about it! Advertisement #2: [ANDREA DWORKIN AND "ZHASMIN", AN AFGHAN WOMAN IN A BLUE BURQA, IN A SMALL ROWING BOAT, FISHING. DWORKIN, IN TANK TOP, LEANS OVER, REVEALING HAIRY ARMPITS, TO GRAB A DOLLAR BILL FLOATING IN THE WATER WITH HER FISHING POLE.] Zhasmin: What do you doing, Andrea? The boat is about to capsize. Dworkin: I'm trying to reach this one dollar bill. [DWORKIN REACHES FARTHER OVER THE SIDE, TIPPING THE BOAT SO THAT ZHASMIN IS NOW ALMOST AT A 90 DEGREE ANGLE, HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE. GUPPIES AND WATER SKEETS FLEE FROM DWORKIN'S VISAGE, LEAVING MAD RIPPLES IN THE WATER.] Zhasmin: Oh, I fear this is not good, Miss Dworkin. I do not know how to swim. Dworkin: Shut your trap, you ignorant twit. With the new 10-10-220 long distance service, I can call anywhere and get 20 minutes for 99 cents. Zhasmin: You mean, even if I call my husband in the tribal area of Western Pakistan, where he is presently training and preparing to return to Afghanistan, it only costs 99 cents? Dworkin: Of course you can! And what's your husband doing in Western Pakistan anyway? Watching pornography? Zhasmin: Oh no, that is representational. Dworkin: Take that goddamn Burqa this was a preview of the WVL finals in September. Jim? [CUT TO HIGHLIGHTS OF PALESTINIAN TEAM CELEBRATING VICTORY BY DOING THE "DIRTY CRUCIFIX" DANCE, FOR WHICH THEY WERE PENALIZED WITH TWO NEGATIVE ARTICLES IN THE NEW YORK TIMES.] McKay: Let's talk about the Albanians. In 1999, they were awarded Jewish points in their matches against the Irish Catholics, the Serbs, the Bosnian Muslims. What happened? Jackson: That's right. In 1999, suddenly out of nowhere the Albanians were scoring victimization points almost unheard of for such a raw, inexperienced team. Again, it's a case of not building on the fundamentals. They did a great job of emigrating as refugees using horse carts, talking up hundreds of thousands dead. The Serbs never understood it--they walked into every match way overconfident, but got blown out. Ibrahim Rugova told me once, "Never underetsimate your opponent," and that's what happened. But the Albanians were a classic flash-in-the-pan team. They couldn't follow through, and today, they didn't even qualify for the Christ Cup 2002. McKay: They really blew it against Macedonia, didn't they. My how fast things can change. How about the Kurds, Tom? People are saying that they might become strong victimization contenders again now that the coalition forces are preparing to attack Iraq. [CUT TO FILMS OF KURDS DEAD FROM GASSING, VILLAGES OBLITERATED.] Jackson: Right you are. The Kurds are one of those teams with all the fundamentals, but just a lot of bad luck. Bad timing, a few bad draft picks, bad scheduling. Things

beyond their control. This could be their year. McKay: Of course, this also means that the 500,000 or so Iraqi children who have died due to UN sanctions and who were starting to climb up the Orient Division standings are now history. Jackson: That's right. History. Like the Caribs or the Tasmanians. Extinct. McKay: And as we all know, extinction disqualifies a team from the WVL cup tournament. One more question. We've been hearing a lot lately about Recovered-Memory Victims. These are mostly white women, often upper-middle class and many times lesbian, Jewish...what do you give this team? Jackson: I think it's too early to tell. They qualified for the cup, but they're new and inexperienced. Their strikers are scoring by re-remembering times that their fathers sexually abused them as children. Now they've added plays like the one in which they claim they were victims of Satanic rituals. They've got a lot of victimization support from the psychology community, and that's important. But as I said, it's too early to tell. Miller: Yeah, I'd like to recover a memory of me winning an Emmy, but we can't have everything, can we? I mean really, what the heck is this recovered memory garbage? Sounds to me like a Schwartzenegger flick by way of Proust for the Springer-chic crowd. Jackson: Dennis, I'm... Miller: You're what, Tom? Jackson: Jim, I'm going to pop this... Miller: This what, Tom? What's the matter, cat got your tongue? Looks like he wiped himself on your tie. Jackson: You dirty little Jewboy! I hate you! I hate you! [JACKSON THROWS DOWN HIS MICROPHONE AND ATTACKS MILLER. MILLER FALLS TO THE GROUND, TAKING REPEATED BLOWS TO THE FACE.] McKay: Tom, oh Tom, you just lost. Waytago, Dennis. You still have the victimization instinct in you. By our scorecard here, you just beat Tom soundly in this unannounced match. Miller: (wiping blood and teeth from mouth) I kicked hith thorry atth! Woo-hoo! [MILLER, LYING, HOLDS HIS ARMS OUT TO THE SIDE, FEET TOGETHER, DOING A TAUNTING "DIRTY CROSS" DANCE. CAMERAS PAN AROUND HIM MTV-STYLE, BLOOD AND TEETH SPITTING UPWARDS. CUT TO TOM JACKSON, HEAD IN HANDS, LOOKING UP TO THE LIGHTS, FACE SHOWING THE AGONY OF DEFEAT.] McKay: Well, there you have it. The pre-game show for the Christ Cup 2002. Proving once again that no matter who takes home the Christ Cup this year, every single one of these groups goes home a loser. That's why they're here, and that's what victimization is really about. And here they are, the greatest victims of the past four years, ready to battle knee-to-knee, wound-to-wound, all summer long. Thank you, and have a painful day. FADE OUT

THE WORLD VICTIMIZATION LEAGUE QUALIFIERS CUP FINALISTS

WESTERN CONFERENCE

North American Division 1. HIV-Positive Gay Artists 2. Lesbians 3. Upper-Middle-Class White Women Married To Cold Corporate Husbands 4. Recovered Memory Victims 5. American Jews 6. Canadian Women 7. African Americans 8. White Trash 9. White Working Class Males 10. Progressives and Activists Central American Division 1. Gabriel Garcia Marquez/Fidel Castro/Hugo Chavez 2. Vasquez Island Protestors 3. Guatemalan Indians 4. Chiapas Indians Southern American Division 1. Colombian Peasants

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Orient Division 1. Palestinians in Israeli-Occupied Terrority 2. Jews 3. Kurds* 4. Danny Pearl 5. Women Forced to Cover Their Faces* 6. The Seething Muslim Masses Living under Regimes Supported by the United States 7. Iraqi Children EuroLeague Division 1. Jewrope (Jews In Europe, separate from the Jews-Orient team) 2. Minorities in Europe 3. Irish Catholics 4. Albanians 5. Former-Soviet Sex Slaves Dark Continent Division 1. South African Blacks 2. South African Whites 3. African Women Castrated 4. HIV-Positive African Women 5. Rare Mountain Gorillas 6. Tutsis Far East Division 1. Tibetan Monks 2. Tibetans 3. Workers in Nike and Gap factories 4. Burmese Democracy Activists 5. East Timorese

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e d i t o r i a l

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he summit is over. The TV cameras are off. Life in Russia goes on. While politicians and pundits alike were focused on the sexier issues of the Bush-Putin summit, such as WTO entry and the Jackson-Vanick amendment controversy, one leading Duma politician, LDPR deputy Alexei Mitrofanov, proposed an almost unheard-of law in our post-Cold War world: a ban on lesbianism. We at the eXile say, "Hooray!" It's about time. For too long now, lesbians have been given free reign to do whatever they please here. While male homosexuals are appropriately brutalized in Russia's schools, army training camps and in the offices of reformist minister German Gref, Russia's lesbians have been getting a virtual free ride in this country. You can see them sometimes holding hands. Usually they wear their hair very short. They tend to have broad shoulders and stumpy arms. They add to Moscow's traffic woes and work jobs that don't

ed to see. We said, "Uh-huh-huh. Uhhuh-huh-huh." Irina said, "Do you want to watch us making love?" We didn't like her choice of words, but we nodded affirmatively. We got naked. We were fully erect as the three of us climbed into our three-cushion couchbed, the kind so common in Russian-remont apartments. Irina got on top of Tanya while we lay against them, and they kissed and made lots of noises. They enjoyed themselves. It appeared as though they'd done this often. They called each other lover. Irina rubbed her large rubbery breasts between Tanya's legs. Tanya called Irina's breasts "podushki horoshinkie" and complimented her as she performed cunnilingus in a technique somewhat different from ours. It made us wonder if, for the last ten years, we'd done it wrong and the girls we'd been with just faked it. They slurped. We turned away. Their vaginas made gurgling sounds, like squids farting in a shallow aquarium. We watched. But we weren't happy. That's when we noticed something. Our penis wasn't erect any longer. In fact, our penis shrank and shrank and shrank, until it was as if we'd injected an eight ball of pure crystal amphetamine into our vas

We Once Caught a Fish...

THIS BIG!

By Matt Taibbi

It didn't seem like much of an idea at first. Co-editor Kevin McElwee and I, newly arrived in Buffalo from our previous home in Moscow, were hiding inside at a friend's house during an April snowfall, toying with prank ideas for our inaugural issue. Mayor Anthony Maseillo's name came up... We'd only been in town for a few weeks, but it was hard not to notice that Buffalo had clearly... well, to put it as nicely as possible, it had clearly seen better days. A oncemighty industrial city now had boarded-up storefronts right in the heart of its downtown. Vast tracts of what in any other city would be prime real estate were empty and undeveloped... And the city planning seemed to have been achieved through a sort of accidental process; highways bulled through waterfront areas, a public university had been built way too far out of town to have a serious impact on the city economy, and the chief plan for urban renewal was intimately connected with an utterly insane but apparently sincere decision to give an Enron-like company, Adelphia, public money to build a fictional skyscraper in a district already overflowing with empty office space. We asked around. The general consensus among friends in town was that the chief reason for Buffalo's problems was that city leadership was corrupt and incompetent. As for the Mayor, he appeared to be a human being without much of a basic life plan at all. He had achieved power through the most ideologically unspecific means possible, running as both a Democrat and a Republican... and once he got into office, his plan to revive the city had remained as vague and ineffectual as his actual persona-- a persona captured perfectly by his splotchy, career-weary face and halfhearted comb-over. "He's not doing anything," one friend told us. "God only knows what he's doing with his time." Interesting question, we thought. Then it occurred to us to wonder: what if we could find out just exactly what the Mayor is doing with his time? We played around with a few ideas, then zoomed over to our office in the luxurious Statler towers to make some phony stationary. We had decided to offer the mayor a part-time job. Our plan for the Mayor almost seemed too primitive at first to be all that interesting. We decided to pose as executives for the HBO show The Sopranos and offer the Mayor some ridiculous and vaguely humiliating cameo role. The plan was to push it as far as possible until his office, or the Mayor himself, blinked. We had no plan for what to do, however, if he didn't blink, not believing this to be possible. We have a lot to learn about Buffalo, it turns out. The first step was an exploratory phone call by "location scout Jeffrey Baines" to the Mayor's press secretary, Matt Brown. Brown at first seemed dismissive and curt on the phone, which was about what we expected. After all, one would think that the leader of a major industrial city would have more pressing concerns than the possibility of scoring a bit part in a cable series, in particular one celebrating gangsters. His aides would be busy, impatient to get to the point... Nonetheless, Brown told us to follow up with our proposal in writing: Brown: Matt Brown. May I help you? BEAST: Hi, Mr. Brown. My name is Jeffrey Baines. I'm a location scout for the HBO television series, The Sopranos. And I had a question for you. I'm up here in Buffalo. We're going to be shooting part of an episode that's going to run next fall in the Niagara Falls area. And our senior producer, Sam Weiss, has been in consultation with the writers, and they're interested in getting Mayor Masiello to appear in a cameo... and we wanted to know if there's a possibility of speaking to Mr. Masiello, or at least sending him a letter. Brown: (unimpressed) Uh, you can send a letter. Within minutes after this call, we had our designers putting the finishing touches on our mock HBO stationary. It wasn't very convincing-- any 17 year-old Miramax intern worth his eyebrow stud would have been able to spot it as a phony from 200 yards away-- but we figured it might be good enough to get past a professional political operative or two at City Hall. Once that was done, we typed up a letter to the Mayor from "Senior Producer Sam Weiss," which included the following summation of the proposed plot: "The storyline is very simple. Our lead character, a mob boss named Tony Soprano, has discovered that Jackie Aprile, Jr., the young man who has recently proposed marriage to his daughter, has a `goomah', or mistress, in Niagara Falls. In a rage, Tony books a ticket on Jet Blue to fly up to the area to confront Jackie. It then occurred to us to introduce a scene in which, by coincidence, Tony finds himself sitting next to you, Mayor Masiello, on the plane. "Over the course of the flight, Tony-- who himself has a mistress-- unburdens himself to the friendly mayor about his own marital problems. Always ready to offer advice to a stranger, you urge Tony to reconcile with his wife, and offer suggestions on how to rekindle the romance. What suggestions you offer would obviously be something we'd like to consult with you about, but one direction we were thinking of going in would be urging Tony to discover a love of the arts with his wife-- painting, poetry, music. The episode could then conclude later on with a visit to the Albright Knox Art Museum, during which you explain to a bewildered Tony-- who is still unaware that you are the Mayor-- the beauty of the post-impressionist school of painting."

Tony Masiello Rolls Out the Red Carpet for the BEAST

BEAST: It's a bit of an unorthodox gift, so... Phillips: Wait a minute-- what was the type of gift it was? BEAST: It's a porcelain unicorn. Phillips: A unicorn? BEAST: A unicorn. Phillips: You're talking about, like-- the horse, with the... BEAST: The horse with the one horn? Phillips: Right! BEAST: Basically, I don't know if you know this... James Spader, the actor... Phillips: You know, I'm not familiar with him. You know, that's strange, because I am myself a movie buff, a play buff...James Bader? BEAST: James Spader. Maybe you remember... Sex, Lies and Videotape? Also, I think White Castle...[eds. note: our bad. James Spader was never in a movie called White Castle]. Phillips: Yes! BEAST: Crash, also, I believe... Phillips: Okay! BEAST: He makes these wonderful porcelain unicorns at his workshop in Westchester... At this point we were expecting to be hung up on, but instead, Phillips entered into an impassioned soliloquy about the Mayor's sensitive side: Phillips: Let me tell you something about our Mayor. BEAST: Mm-hmm. Phillips: Our mayor is a man of art. BEAST: (incredulous) Is a man of... art? Phillips: He loves all types of art. BEAST: Really? Phillips: From paintings, to sculptures...oriental rugs. He spends a good portion of his time at antique shops [!]. BEAST: Oh, that's just terrific! Phillips: He loves promoting our city. I'm the officer assigned to him. I just drove him around looking at the neighborhoods. He loves seeing trees and flowers in bloom. He has a thing about clean and green, he believes in that. He spends a lot of time at the art gallery himself... He loves it, he loves everything that deals with art. So if it's something that's being made by another actor [eds. note: another actor? Is he referring to the Mayor as the first actor?], where he himself is making it, the Mayor will love it. BEAST: Oh, that's wonderful. Phillips: You've got a great following here, there's a great following of The Sopranos series here. In this office alone, we watch it... I don't want to use the word religiously, but we watch it every week. BEAST: Wonderful! Do you watch it yourself? Phillips: Oh, yes. When The Sopranos came out on CD... BEAST: Yes? Phillips: I bought the whole set. BEAST: Well, it's a great, great success. We're very proud of the program. At this point, Phillips digressed, filling us in on the Mayor's recent appearance in a locally-produced movie that starred legendary camp TV actor Frank Gorsham (or, as Phillips put it, "Frank... I don't know what his last name is, but he played the Riddler"). After hearing about the Mayor's film history, we briefly worried that we might have to pay him Screen Actors' Guild rates, then asked once again about the Mayor's interest in our show: BEAST: So you think he'd be amenable to appearing in a cameo? Phillips: Oh, yes! He already stated that he was very excited. He showed me the letter the other day. He was very excited about it.

PLUG THE HOLE IN RUSSIA'S DIKE

interest them, causing untold damage to Russia's economic growth. Recently, a lesbian was spotted water skiing near Serebryany Bor. The message from Russia's lesbian community is clear: get out of our way, or we'll run you over. Then we'll back up, and run you over again. Lesbians are abusing the Russian people's trust. But the problem is much more simple and profound than that. In short, lesbians aren't nearly as much of a turn-on as we'd thought. In fact, they're pretty gross. Most young people today are conditioned to fantasize about lesbian sex. Many try it, or at least watch it. But have you ever actually been with two women while they have sex? We have. Once, a few years ago, we called up a number listed in the Moscow Times "Introductions" section in their classifieds pages, advertising "Two Bi-Sexual Girls." The girl we spoke to was named Irina. She told us that it would cost 150 dollars for two hours, and that she and her "podruzhka," named Tanya, would perform sex for us while we watched, and we could have sex with them. A menage a trois. Since this was an old childhood fantasy of ours, we decided to give it a shot. Irina and Tanya arrived a half an hour later than they had told us, yet another example of lesbian abuse of The System. They were older and uglier than we'd hoped, both in their late 20s. Irina was a tall heavy-set brunette who was kind to us; Tanya was shorter, thinner, dyed blond and much colder to us. She didn't like us at all, that was clear. Irina asked us what we wantdeferens using a very long, dull, ice cold needle. Irina and Tanya "made love" like this for about twenty minutes while we sat next to them in increasing horror, each reaching or appearing to reach orgasm. We stopped watching. They kissed with tongues visible, they rubbed each other and hugged tightly, they breathed loudly. All the while we, the Royal "We," the editorial, appeared to be totally extraneous, unnecessary, insignificant. We didn't like that. We didn't like to pay women to make us feel like shit. We didn't like that at all. Then Irina looked at a us and she said, "Why aren't you erect? You didn't like it?" We told her that in fact no, we didn't like it at all. We wanted her to leave. Now. Get out. Her and her floozy. They gathered their clothes. Tanya said something mean. We slammed the door on their asses. Afterwards, we sat alone in our apartment. We felt awful. We were alienated and sexually confused. We felt sick and afraid. All we wanted was one woman. One nice woman, all to ourselves. A wife, a lover, a friend. A woman who is loyal to us. Are we just oldfashioned romantics? Perhaps. That's why we called up another prostitute from the Moscow Times--and this time we made sure she was straight. We tied her up. We did a lot of things to her that we can't print. We have her toenails to prove it. She escaped two days later. After she got out of the hospital, she became a lesbian. Now, she thinks she owns the country. She was the one water skiing by Serebryanny Bor. She is an idiot if she thinks we'll let her get away with it.

Now, in the real world, this letter should have been sufficiently ridiculous to scare off any even mildly cogent public employee from taking it seriously. But when we had a female BEAST staffer call back as "Danielle," Sam Weiss's bubbly personal assistant, we found otherwise: BEAST: Hello, may I speak with the press department? Mayor's Office: (female receptionist's voice) I'm sorry. Mr. Brown, the Mayor's director of communications, is off until Monday. BEAST: Oh, I see, maybe you can help me then. This is Danielle, from HBO films. Mayor's Office: Mmm-hm! BEAST: We sent Mr. Brown-- er, the Mayor, care of Mr. Brown-- a proposal for a cameo in the Sopranos show? Mayor's Office: Yes. BEAST: And I wanted to make sure that the fax was received. Mayor's Office: Hold on. The receptionist disappeared for a moment, giving us an opportunity to adjust the levels on our tape recorder. In a flash, she was back: Mayor's Office: Yes, he did receive the information, and he's very happy about it. BEAST: Excellent. Would it be possible for Mr. Weiss to speak with Mr. Brown on Monday, then? Mayor's Office: Yes. Before we let the receptionist off the phone, we decided to try to up the ante. Every good practical joke should contain one element of utter absurdity, so that the victim, in retrospect, has no excuse for falling for the trick. In this case we decided to offer, on behalf of our fictional cigar-chomping Jewish producer, a peculiar gift. Once we broached the subject, the receptionist connected us to someone a little higher up on the Masiello chain of command-- the Mayor's personal bodyguard, Juan Phillips: Phillips: Good afternoon. Officer Phillips. BEAST: Uh, Good afternoon. I'm sorry. This is Danielle Kuczkowski from HBO films. Phillips: Yes. BEAST: Um, I have a somewhat strange question. Phillips: Okay. BEAST: Mr. Sam Weiss was hoping to send the Mayor a small gift. And I'm just curious to know whether the Mayor would like... a porcelain unicorn. It's autographed by James Spader, the actor. He makes them in his workshop in Westchester. Phillips: Okay.

Continued on page 18

#POCC RU 0001.01.éè ì 00245

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WINES WATCH: NYT BUREAU CHIEF

ADMITS TO WITHHOLDING EVIDENCE!

On May 26, favorite eXile target Michael Wines published an article in The New York Times datelined Petersburg. The third graph was a single sentence: "You can't find canals in Moscow." He doesn't specify who "you" might be, but it's unlikely that it is a fouryear resident of Moscow like Wines. The Kanal imena Moskvy (the Moscow Canal) may not be the Suez, but it's not that tough to find. We decided to wipe away the proverbial horse-sperm pie blocking Wines' vision. Posing as a slighted bureaucrat from the fictitious Moscow City Canal Agency (MosGorKanal), the eXile called the Times' Moscow bureau (200-01-87), claiming to have weathered the wrath of Yuri Luzhkov after the Mayor learned that Americans believe Moscow has no canals... NYT office: New York Times. eXile: (in Russian) Good evening. May I talk to Michael Wines? NYT: Ah, one minute. Michael Wines: Wines. eXile: Hello, Michael? Is this Michael Wines? Wines: Da. eXile: Good afternoon, my name is Pyotr Yuriovich. I work at MosGorKanal and we read your article related to President Bush's visit to Moscow, in which you claimed that there are no canals in Moscow. This is actually not true, and my superiors, including Mayor Yuri Luzhkov, are not very happy with this article. Wines: (baffled American accent) Who's not happy? eXile: My superiors at the department at MosGorKanal. And the Mayor of... Wines: (interrupting) MosGorKanal? eXile: ...Moscow Yuri Luzhkov, because Moscow has canals. Wines: (believing that he understands) A-ha... eXile: And not just one. Maybe you know about the Grebnoi Canal, on which they conducted the 1980 Olympic Games? Wines: (still disoriented) OK, I... I... I... I... eXile: There is also... Wines: (more grounded, but flustered) I know what you... what you mean. eXile: There is also the Moscow Canal, which is 143 kilometers long. I understand that you might not notice it because 143 kilometers isn't that much. Wines: Mmm... eXile: We would like to invite you on a tour of these canals... Wines: (completely confused) Tour? eXile: ...yes so that you could see that there are canals. Wines: I... I ... I sa...I saw a canal. eXile: Then why did you write... Wines: I know, I think... of what you are talking. There is a canal between, between, um... Moscow and Dubna, yes? eXile: That is the Moscow Canal, (talking as if with a child) the one that is very long and big. There is a canal inside Moscow limits... Wines: (not understanding) Inside? eXile: Inside, yes. The canal, called the Grebnoi Canal, where the Olympics were held... Wines: Mmmm... I ah should say that no, I don't, I don't know... eXile: You don't... (incredulous) you know that in 1980 the Olympics were held in Moscow? Wines: (unsure, quietly) uh-huh. eXile: You know, right? Wines: (more confidently) Yes, yes. eXile: Yes? They held the sculling competitions on the Grebnoi Canal. Wines: Mmmm... eXile: We want you to see all these canals yourself, or else we'll have to spend our money to build very many canals in Moscow, so that the Mayor of Moscow doesn't get upset. Wines: One minute, please. [5 seconds] Umm, honestly speaking, if you, if... if you say that canals exist, good. But I think that I... I don't need to see it. (emphasizes word see [videt'] as though it was difficult to pronounce) eXile: Why don't you need to see it? Wines: (mumbling) I don't know. eXile: Ok, if you agree that there are canals, then why do you write such lies? Wines: (nervously laughs) Maybe because I didn't, I didn't, um, know that canals exist like in St. Petersburg. eXile: Exist... excuse me... what? Wines: (slowly, carefully) I didn't, I didn't know... eXile: Well? Wines: (collecting himself, and continuing bravely) I didn't know here exist canals like in St. Petersburg. Many there. eXile: There is also not just one canal in Moscow. (pauses for emphasis) There is also not just one in Moscow. I understand that in Petersburg there may be lots, but in Moscow they are bigger. Wines: Mmm. eXile: They are no worse than in Petersburg. [Ne khuzhe chem v Peterburge] Wines: Not worse? eXile: Not worse. Wines: I didn't say Moscow was worse. eXile: But you said that unfortunately

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in Moscow there aren't canals when compared to St. Petersburg. Wines: (resigned) True [pravda], true. (optimistically) Can I get your telephone? eXile: Ahh, One moment [8 seconds]. One moment [13 seconds]. Nine- are you writing this down? Wines: Yes. eXile: I'll give you the number. [25 seconds] Two, three, three... Wines: Two, three, three... eXile: Three, one, one, eight. Wines: Three, one, one, eight. Excuse me, I didn't hear you. What are you? eXile: What's my name? Wines: M-uh-huh. eXile: Pyotr Yuriovich. Wines: Where do you work? eXile: The department of MosGorKanal. Wines: (finally thinking he understands) Ahhhhh. [silence as he writes] Good. eXile: Will you call us back? Wines: If it's possible, I would like to call back because I have big work now. I need to write an article about, about NATO. Ah, I'm very busy. But maybe I can call you tomorrow. OK? eXile: OK Wines: Okay. eXile: Goodbye.

THE HERD INSTINCT: THE END OF THE COLD WAR

Snow Sheep: Ovis nivicola

Guy Beazley here for another installment of the eXile's Hack Herd Tracker. The theme of this week's show should come as no surprise to anyone --with the recently ended Putin-Bush summit it seems the only question on nature lovers' minds has been, "what animal?" Well, the stories have been filed and the results are in! The eXile team of naturalists has closely followed two breeds of hack, reporting alternatively the "end of the Cold War" or the "final nail in the coffin of the Cold War." Amazingly, our work found that both types of hack are, in fact, members of the same species! And that species is... the snow sheep, a native of northeastern Siberia. The snow sheep, recognizable by the dark bands stretching between its eyes and muzzle, has an average lifespan of 9 years, or nearly twice the length of a Moscow correspondent's stay in Russia. The journalist's equivalent are bags under

their eyes from keeping pace with the presidents' jaunt around the halls of the Hermitage. The sheep can live in the brutal winters of Siberia in temperatures down to -50C. The hack manages in hourlong mind-numbing Q&A sessions with students, where scripted questions about the end of the Cold War abound. Sheep herds are generally segregated by sex, a tendency we can clearly see in the hack herding this week. The writers working for actual publications tended to shy away from overly theatrical language, proclaiming the end of the Cold War, while the wire services used death imagery. The one notable exception is Michael Wines of The New York Times. Interesting, that. This week's reporter herds steadfastly reported the words of the Russian and American presidents as news, although the astute observer may have noticed that the Cold War ended long ago. Both leaders seemed eager to maintain the illusion of success and the press corps gladly helped, given their aversion to real news. Likewise, snow sheep can survive for weeks buried under several feet of snow. Male and female sheep have horns, and dominance is established among males by horn size. In the event of roughly equal horns, the two will butt heads until one resigns. Among reporters, the dominant role of the alpha newspaper has been unquestioned for so long, nobody remembers the last conflict. Now let's examine the droppings of the hack herd: Boston Globe May 10

David Filipov Apparently determined to make the summit a success, officials in both countries have described the deal as a symbol of the end of Cold War-era tensions. Reuters May 14 Jon Boyle Bush and Putin first agreed to drastically reduce their nuclear warhead stockpiles at a summit last November hailed as the final nail in the coffin of the Cold War rivalry that had divided them for five decades. AP May 14 Colleen Barry Heralding the Cold War's funeral , NATO and Russia reached a historic agreement Tuesday to combat common security threats in the post-Sept. 11 era. AP May 15 Raf Casert A day after NATO and Russia officially relegated the Cold War to history by agreeing to combat terrorism together, the alliance stepped up preparations to move its border closer to Moscow's doorstep. Financial Times May 15 Judy Dempsey and Richard Wolffe It was 16 years ago in the Icelandic capital that President Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev, his Russian counterpart, met to discuss disarmament in what

is now seen in Washington as the beginning of the end of the cold war. Yesterday's meeting establishes a NatoRussia Council, which diplomats say marks the true end of the cold war. The Guardian May 20 Julian Borger At a historic summit in Moscow this week, President George Bush will mark what he claims is the final putting to rest of the cold war, by shaking hands with his new best friend, Pootie-Poot. Reuters May 22 Jonathan Thatcher Billed as the last summit between the two nuclear giants to dwell on the potential to bomb each other into oblivion, officials are keen to portray the talks as the very final nail in the coffin of the Cold War -- officially dead 10 years ago. New York Times May 23 Michael Wines With President Bush barely a day away from Moscow, it began to appear today that he would not be bringing with him economic proposals to transform his first Kremlin meeting with President Vladimir V. Putin into anything more than a funeral service for the cold war. Reuters May 23 Peter Graff U.S. and Russian officials may be writ-

ing obituaries for the Cold War, but ordinary Russians have not quite warmed to their former foes. Reuters May 26 Peter Graff The centrepiece of this week's summit was the Treaty of Moscow, billed as a landmark arms control pact that would finally bury the legacy of the Cold War, committing both countries to cut deployed long-range nuclear arsenals by two-thirds over the next decade. Business Week May 27 Paul Starobin, with Catherine Belton The Cold War really does seem to be over, at long last. Reuters May 27 Richard Balmforth Although, in Rome, Putin may well have no choice but to repeat Russia's concern about the steady expansion of NATO towards its borders, he has also been increasingly adamant that arms reduction with the United States and the new NATORussia Council will lay the Cold War to rest. Newsweek May 27 Christian Caryl and Michael Meyer At the summit, the two presidents hope to sign away the last vestiges of the cold war .

Elite NIGHT Club

Welcome to our water-striptease show.

Design and swedish management by

Carlos Matuszewski 50 Zemlyanoy Val. Tel. 916-67-81

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Fag vs. Fag: the India-Pakistan Phoney War

Brecher N a m e T h a t N u k e ! By GaryPakistan ever finish the cat-fight Will India and

Let's Help the Pakistanis and Indians Make War Fun! and get on with a real war? "We live in hope," like my grandma used to say--but don't hold your breath. Listening to the Indian and Paki generals shaking their little fists at each other, with their little mustaches going up and down, hearing the Indians talk about how their patience is "almost" exhausted--it just gets me down. This fag-slapping shit gives war a bad name. I used to live next to a housefull of Pakistanis in Santa Ana. They were all brothers or cousins or something and ran this pirate cab company, and they fought non-stop--but I never saw a single punch thrown. It was this weird Pakistani style of fighting: they'd yell for hours before they escalated to slapping--weird downward slaps, like elephants hitting each other with their trunks. After a couple minutes of that, they'd each retreat about five yards and look around for automotive parts to throw. They'd keep throwing till they were tired, or till they accidentally hit one of the half-fixed taxis parked in the yard. That was the only thing that sobered them up: hurting a car. When they drew blood on each other they'd cheer, but if they broke a windshield they'd instantly stop fighting and run up to the car moaning and sobbing. The way those cabdrivers fought is the way India and Pakistan fight--maybe it's something in the water there. It's always low-intensity, low-risk skirmishing, like these "mortar duels" the networks keep reporting from Kashmir. Mortar duels are the perfect combat for cowards, because the mortar is a very high-trajectory weapon, so you can fire it over hills and never even see the enemy face-to-face. I'm not knocking mortars; they can be powerful weapons in the hands of a real army. The East Asians are particularly good with them. A mortar barrage from Chinese or Vietnamese troops is a serious deal. But that's because East Asian troops take the risk of lugging their tubes right up to the front line, where they can do quick rangefinding and walk their fire right up to the enemy positions. The mortar barrages you hear about on the India-Pakistan line are nothing like that. These are from mortars dug in way behind the front line. The aim isn't really to hit any enemy troops but to make a lot of noise, a lot of chimpanzee-style hooting. At most, they aim at a fixed target already plotted. Like a village. Border villages make great targets, because they're not going anywhere and can't fight back. So both armies blow up huts on the other side of the border and kill a lot of livestock. Somebody should do a history of livestockkilling as an element of military history. In the fifteenth century, the Germans called soldiers "the horse-butchers' league" because it was basic tactics to kill knights' horses--by taking them out of the saddle, you cut their speed and mass by two-thirds. In "primitive warfare" like you see in Africa, killing the enemy's cattle is the worst blow you can inflict, worse than killing the wives. And in Kashmir right now, the main target for the brave mortarmen of both armies is livestock. You mortar a village and you'll only kill a few villagers; the rest will duck inside, get down on the floor after the first shells hit. But cattle can't duck, so they inevitably get shrapnelled into hamburger. And the really sad thing is the villagers--on the Indian side of the border, anyway--can't even eat the sacred-cow meat. That's one good argument for Islam, I guess: at least you can eat the cattle-casualties. Or maybe not, because the Muslims have that whole "halal" deal where you can only eat animals killed in the proper Mohammedan manner. I doubt if an 82mm mortar is an Imam-approved slaughtering device. Religion--ain't it wonderful? Anyway, the point is: the longer these two chickenshit armies mortar each other, the less likely it is they'll ever get down to business with a real war. The mortar duels are military masturbation, a way of letting off steam. When you mortar each other for months and months, you're signaling the fact that you scared of a real fight. Hindus. The Pakistani Army is one of those thirdworld armies that specialize in protection money, not war. The Army runs the country, and the intelligence service, the ISI, runs the Army. And the ISI doesn't want a real fight. They'd rather shake down the local drug dealers and let the Kashmiri "jihadi" groups they control raid India. It's safer and cheaper. Besides, they know they'd lose a real war. As long as the Pakistanis act through the "jihadi," they can keep denying any involvement at all. In other words: it's the usual cowardly standoff. But we're supposed to believe it might get serious this time, because the ruling party in India are "Hindu militants." Uh...yeah. "Hindu militants"! I can't help it, that phrase just cracks me up every time I hear it. What does a Hindu militant do, anyway? Scream, "You bastard, you ate my great-grandfather!" at the drive-thru window of the New Delhi Burger King? The posed to faint the moment nukes get mentioned. People act like the moment somebody's got one nuke, they've "got nukes." It doesn't work that way. They're not guppies--they don't breed on their own. You have to build a stockpile one at a time. And you have to use them. Until then, they're museum pieces. The Pakistanis only have about 20. Suppose they use `em all, and every one kills 500,000 Indians. Let's do the math. The Indians lose... 10 million people-hey, that's one percent of their population. One percent! Whoop-tee-doo! Stalin fed a quarter of the Soviet population to the Nazi meat grinder, and look what he got: half the world was his! Surely Kashmir and Januu are worth a measly one percent?! India has about 200 nukes, so they could wipe out Pakistan. Over. "Land of the Pure" becomes "Land Where There is No Land, Just Smoked Glass." But they won't, because they're too chickenshit. And Pakistan won't nuke them, because it wouldn't do anything except maybe finally piss the Indians off enough to act. So nothing's going to happen. It's just another big media fake, like skinheads and Y2K. It's teasers like these that make life in Fresno a daily hell. If the Indians were going to do something, they would've done it when the Pakistani/Kashmiri terrorists attacked the Indian parliament a few months ago. Bodies everywhere, RPGs blasting the government HQ--and all the Indians did was screech that their patience was "almost" running out. Or a few weeks ago when they attacked the Indian army barracks...and slaughtered a few dozen women and children as they pulled up in a bus. Again, the Indian patience was "almost" at an end. And that's all they'll ever say: they're "almost" ready to fight. As a former elementary-school bully (turned high school punching bag), I'll tell you a little secret: there is no "almost" in a fight. When you're fighting somebody who "almost" hits people, you can relax. He won't do shit. I wish I had better news. I wish I could tell you there was a chance of a war worth watching down in that hellhole subcontinent. But there isn't. They'll probably wipe each other out someday, but till then it's just going to be dead cows and villagers, and dumb generals in secondhand British uniforms talking big for the camera with their little moustaches going up and down, up and down.

THE WAR NERD

Half the fun of nuclear war is coming up with upbeat, crowd-pleasing names for the nukes. The US has done its share, with big hits like the MX "Peacekeeper" missile and the USS "McFaul", but the Pakis and Indians have a long way to go. In 1974 the Indians tested their first nuke, which they named "Smiling Buddha." You have to be pretty stoned to see a smiling Buddha in a mushroom cloud in the middle of the desert-but with Afghanistan just a block away, it's not hard to get that stoned. A nation which can send millions of tourists to the hospital with dysentery can do better than that! The Pakistanis aren't much better. They just tested a missile capable of carrying tactical nukes, which they named "Ghauri"--the name of a 12th-century Moslem who slaughtered huge numbers of Indians. C'mon, Sharif, who cares about ancient history? You need something with a hook, something that can make the average Ahmed jump with joy when he watches Delhi dissolve in a firestorm of isotopes! Let's help out our imaginatively-challenged war nerd brethren in the sub-continent come up with some better names for their nukes! Let's come up with some names you'd be proud to show in front of your mushroom cloud!

For Pakistani Missiles Aimed at India:

"Make Mine Meat!" --The joke will be on those vegetarians when this 10-megaton BBQ stick turns every Hindu in Calcutta into sizzlin' satay. The ultimate revenge for you carnivores out there who are sick of those disapproving noises Vegans make every time you slaughter a sheep in your backyard! "You Say Mumbai, We Say Bomb-Bye!" --Tired of snotty Indians changing the names of cities you never wanted to hear about anyway? They used to call it "Bombay"; now they want you to call it "Mumbai"--but we call it "bye-bye" once the bomb-bay opens! Nobody'll be calling it anything but "the glowing desert" once this baby erases all the streetsigns!

For Indian Missiles Aimed at Pakistan:

"Allah-oooo! Agh! Bah!" --That's the new tune the Muzzeins will be singin' when this little number interrupts the morning prayers! This tidy little 12-megaton ditty will give new meaning to those drawn-out vowels ringin' out from the minarets of Karachi, as the Faithful run through the streets screamin' "Allaaaagghhh! Ooooo, Akbar!" "Muhammed Masala"-Who needs a clay pot? Talk about meat marinated in a spicy red sauce-drop this 10-megaton on Karachi or any other overcrowded city, let the 15 million humans boil for days in temperatures approaching the center of the sun, and m'm! That's some good eatins! "The Purifier" --If they really want Pakistan to live up to its name, "Land of the Pure," there's only one thing to do: get rid of all the Pakistanis! What could be purer than Pakistan without humans?

The Indian Army has the weapons and the numbers to win. They've got plenty of hardware and 1.1 million men, roughly the number of riders on the average Indian train. But it's hard to believe the Indian Army has the right spirit when you see them drilling in those wacky uniforms, doing the Monty Python moves they got from the British. Goosestepping, swaggersticks, little mustaches--it's pathetic. You keep looking around for John Cleese as officer-in-charge. True, the Indians have beaten the Pakistanis three times out of three (in 1947, 1965 and 1971). But look at what happened the one time they tried fighting a real army: the India-China war of 1962. India decided that its new status as world power required it to grab a few square miles of Himalayan wasteland from China. They worked themselves up into a war frenzy and attacked the Chinese. The Chinese, who don't do woofing, made no boasts, tried smoothing things over, and when that failed, quietly flattened the Indian army. It was a rout: mustaches and swaggersticks sprinting downhill so fast the snow hadn't yet melted on their helmets when they hit 120-degree Delhi. After that, the Indians decided they'd stick to picking on someone less than half their own size: the Pakistanis. The Pakistani Army only has 550,000 men--just about the number of spectators crushed to death in the average cricket match in Karachi. They talk big-- what do you expect, when the name Pakistan means "land of the pure"? But they've lost 3 out of 3 to the

only thing these "Hindu militants" ever did was burn down shops selling Valentine's Day cards. Don't ask me why. Apparently they're anti-love. I have to agree with them on that. Death to Love! Make War on Love! I'm all for that. But I just don't see how putting a match to some Hallmark cards qualifies you to be the kind of "militant" who actually fights and wins wars. All I know is, militants whose big atrocity is burning Hallmark cards don't sound too scary. Just reasonable. The other reason we're supposed to be scared is: the Nukes. Oh no, nukes! Like everybody's sup-

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EX#142/08-09-10

5/31/02 13:46

Page 8

bar·dak n [Russ, ·Í, brothel, chaos] slang (1997) 1. the eXile's E-Z nightlife section 2. Rhythm & Blues is the lastest craze, sez Parker! 3. B-ball enjoyment tips from Buffalo! Plus, the eXile for sale! 4. Kult turns 1! Plus a very XIII DJ to spin at Papa John's! 5. In Utka Po-Pekinsky Schwartz discovers where Chinese really eat in Moscow! 6. Witness Higgins' lastest incarnation, as he reviews High Crimes!

p. 8 p. 11 p. 12 p. 17 p. 18

RHYTHM REVOLUTION!

By Parker Jarvis

Alright boyz and grrls... R U ready for another LUV fest?! Cuz Parker's back and dancing up a storm for a piece of that inner peace we're all looking for! So get your butts out on the dance floor and we'll transform the disco-globe. This weekEND I was out checking out a whole slew of new and not-SOnew but cool places, so why don't U >>>>>>> along: U might *learn* somethang! First STOP. Was this new joint called REVOLUTIONARY VODKA BAR over on Bolshaya Dmitrovka. It's the folks at the Boar House that're behind it, not that U'd ever tell looking at it, cuz it's not THAT kind of place. Do U follow? I got there around the tWitching hour and it was P-Ack-D! The front room's a bit too violent for me... not the ppl but the decorations, with all these gray BOXY war things painted on the wall. Besides, ppl there just sit around and drink the like 80 kinds of vodka at tables. (iMAGIne if they had 80 kinds of other things!) But that back room is where it is at--its all about the beach and Dancin'! There are all sorts of tropical murals and every1 is drinkin' rum: one of my favs (when I'm drinking!). I usually don't do the wHOLE Latin thang... this night though I was all about traditional dancing, mayb-E because of what I was on;-) Even though the crowd wasn't stylish (and they just drank and drank!), I think they were down with the luv--I was doing this crazy mambo (or SOMEthing) step and all the grrls tried to get with it! Still. I couldn't stay forever--Latin pop only fills me up so much, U know? So I decided to check out RHYTHM & BLUES, which all the klub kids have been talking about as the best p*l*a*c*e to go out when U don't want to go OUT!! Doesn't sound like the R&B I used to know... I went down to check it out and... guess what? The klub kids are right again. Nosh from Blast has taken the place over and, aside from a ton of posters of dinosaur rock bands, this place is FAB! The first floor has LIVE shows and then turns into a Voodoo Lounge/Dirty Dancing scene. It's pretty lo-tech, but there's a total positive energy anyway. The greatest part though is the scene-sters on the third floor roof garDEN. It's the best chill-out in TOWN -> open Air! The DJ's supercool and plays all these old skool hits and house from like the mid-90's-- stuff you can't help dancing to! And he's totally into the tribal vibe ~ playing the right STUFF. BeSIDES, there are all these hammocks where you can chill if you need a t-i-m-e-o-u-t. Plenty of party ppl were hanging out there smoking the "peace" pipe and just checking out the stars. I took a toke too and was feeling all fuzzy when I decided to head downstairs to dance to some POP. I was feeling all X-tra sensory and hugging and feeling the plur with this cutie to the tunes of Madonna. Then her friend started some macho dance with me and even BUMPed me so hard I hit the floor. What was up with him?! A little *HIstrung* are WE? All that aggressive dance kind of ruined my wave, and I decided to find more ambient locATions. But, by the time I got to SHU, the club was practically closed--and at only four:something! They showed me inside, but a revue will have to wait `til I actually see the crowd--who knows... mayb-E neXt time!

k

Watering Holes

Alibi Art Garbage Boar House, Doug + Marty's

Things That Do & Don't Suck THE EXILE DECODING

score here per spray, cuz you'll get laid here whether you want to or not Enter here waving a white flag, and you'll probably live = $4-$5 per beer = $6- $60,000

Phone: 755-9554 Address: Myasnitskaya Ul. 22 (inside Johnny the Fat Boy) Hours: Always Project O.G.I. Club

= Fahkie Factor! will you "do it tonight"? = No, not even Roman Abramovich could = Either roll up here in your Mercedes Jeep, or wave a Western passport

Cheers: eXile alert! Has become hugely popular. Studenty hangout brought to you by the literary types threatening to start an entire chain of such places city-wide. Ignore the spotty service and enjoy the decent selection of Belgian draft beers. Weird pigfuckers always seem to be hanging around, willing to offer you drugs. Well OK, it's only pot, but still.... Food is decent, once it arrives. Jeers: Having a bookstore in a bar is about as good an idea as opening Tom Brokaw's mail. Cheap prices have less appeal in this time of plenty; the former crowds seem to be searching for more upscale haunts. As noted above, the service sucks shit. High prolepuke factor in the toilets... your shoes may not be safe. In a word, Sovok. M: Tretyakovskaya Phone: 927-5609 Address: Pyatnitskaya ulitsa 29/8 (around the corner from Pizza Hut) Hours: round-the-clock pretentious fun Propaganda

around; otherwise you might have to do some convincing =Better pack a can of pep-

= Flathead Factor! will you walk out alive? = probably = compliment this club's gentlemen on the Euclidean flatness of their heads, and they won't bother you =

= Foam Factor! Will cheap-0 eXile readers be able to afford the beer? = $2-$3 per beer

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= Starvin' Ivan Factor! Will you show up to an empty, haunted, mausoleum here? This isn't a rating factor, folks. Every club, bar, politician, and yes, newspaper, remains on the verge of collapse. When you see this stamped over a bar, it means "game over." Vsyo.

Cheers: Killer Dirty DJ Sanchez anniversary party just like the good ol' days: drunken dyevs aplenty lookin' fo' nub! Good place to pick up Mexican dwarfs... Bottom dwellers--it don't get no better than this on a Thurs. around 5. Devs too drunk to even pretend to resist; the entire club appears to be dosed with GbH. We hate to admit it, but this is still the best place in Moscow to take home girls who are out of your league. The only place to be on Thursdays. Still manages to pack in crowds, even if they aren't quite as good looking as they used to be. Extras from Amazon Women on the Moon often seen here. A good place to go when you're feeling nostaligic for old Moscow. Jeers: Can't tell if we're just more jaded than we used to be or if Propaganda sucks the big one in the sky these days, but our money's on the later. Guards might tell you there's a "private party" if they don't like your looks. Some bitches think it's OK to talk about their affinity for Japan after you've bought them a drink. Jake almost had his finger taken off when a stumbling slut with a gapping head wound jammed his hand into her mouth. Nights more often end with phone numbers than with wendels. They have started charging cover at all hours of the night, even after 3. Steep decline in quality reminiscent of ruble prices in August, 98. Has researchers asking the question, "Who lost Moscow, and where did it go?" Queers: Sunday nights are `gay' nights. M: Kitai Gorod Phone: 924-5732 Address: Bolshoi Zlatoustinsky per. 7 (just off Maroseika) Hours: Sun-Thurs 12.00 til last customer; Fri-Sat. until 06.00 The Real McCoy

Cheers: So isolated, you'll never think to just drop in to see if it has gotten any better. We still have fond memories of Alibi's previous incarnation across from Beefeater, where we would go get tanked in peace and quiet before moving on to the eager beavers looking to plug their dams. Jeers: THE place for anyone looking for an empty club with furniture bought wholesale from a fascist warehouse's discount rack! As if Alibi sucking dog dick wasn't enough, they have a violently aggressive barman who overcharges because he's bitter about the tvorog discharge his girlfriend emits every time she gets turned on. We could say more, but that would be like carpet-bombing a clan of cave-dwelling barbarians into oblivion and then taking any survivors prisoner and force feeding them Froot Loops until the roofs of their mouths are so raw and chapped from the granulated sugar and Yellow #5 that they have no choice but to become fags, just for the slight relief that a mouthful of hot manlove provides. M: Turgenevskaya Phone: 207-9178 Address: Ascheulov per. 9 Hours: 12.00 - 2.00 weekdays, `til the last customer on weekends

Embassy from the guide! So he offered us a free meal to put it back in! We gotta try that more often. Walk-in humidor makes you feel like you are somebody. Enough Scotch to start a civil war. Jeers: Carter's trip to Cuba might take the fun out of smoking Cubans. Ashtrays have an anti-cigarette bias. Fake bookcases remind us of the Nazi occupation. Ground zero for Moscow's hamsters. M: Okhotny Ryad Phone: 229-7185 Address: 8/10 Bruyusov per. (follow the signs from Tverskaya) Hours: 17.00 - last client Expat Club

tive new-age guys talking to their girlfriends about eliminating the power dynamic in sex. Alterna-teens and patched sweaters galore. Weekends attract hordes of students who don't respect your personal space. Plenty of Lonely Planet types looking for THE underground Moscow bar. The fun stops way too early. Boring, pretentious students. Cover: None M: Kropotkinskaya Phone: 241-1928 Address: Bolshoi Vlasyevsky per. 4 Hours: 11 a.m. to midnight. Kult

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Cheers: Ames's drunken date recently tipped over a table from the elevated VIP area right onto the cheap seats in the center of the club, yet they didn't throw him out. Are these guys democratic or what?! Jeepers, this one waitress gets more voluptuous with every visit! No two waitresses are the same! Fashionable Moscow DJs work here regularly, for anyone interested enough to care. Still maintains a good vibe several months after opening. Reasonably priced place for horn-rimmed glasses crowd. DJ spins good music not loud enough to discourage conversation. A recent Saturday night featured a ton of young skinny dyevs who looked like their hymens were still intact... Jeers: ...but given the macking factor, on Sunday morning they probably still were. Beanbag rooms in bars showing Euro-fag flicks is not a good direction for Moscow nightlife. Talking to a chick here is as easy as bringing the undead back to life. Empty late nites another sign of the new, delovoi Moscow we all dread. Ugly slutz now trying to dance to the tunes. More bitches in red than at a Komsomol meeting. Backgammon board costs R30 to rent. Sidewalk littered with Dalmatian shit. Art gallery in back room littered with plastic cups... just like tri voksala! Too many tree-like decorations. Tries to be like Propaganda without actually being Propaganda. Cover: None M: Taganskaya/Kitai-Gorod Phone: 917-5706 Address: Yauzskaya ul. 5 Hours: 12.00 - 4.00 The Last Drop

Cheers: Our 5-Year Plan Party showed those Capitalist aggressors a thing or two. Ames fuckd a virgin; Rudnitsky got his mojo back; Flounder got sold for a whopping R305; someone got to wendel in the bathroom! Who can forget the couch of sluts practically begging for it! With our sure-shot pre-paid whore service, penetration could go thru the roof! Our party said to be the best DP show in recent memory! Cheap-O prices and central location are good reasons to check this place out... before you go out. Big, shaded outdoor patio makes it a nice place to drink before noon. Jeers: They kick eveyone out at 6. AJ Goyal seen here with the pig that raped him, leading us to believe that he was asking for it. More rooms than the Tretyakov Gallery. Not easy to navigate in a wheel-chair. Sure Shot party undermined any remaining respect we had for our readers. Cover: None M: Kitai Gorod Address: Starosadsky per. 5/6 Phone: 928-8745 Hours: 10.00 - 6.00

Cheers: Recent Sat. night visit was first time in a long time we actually witnessed humanoid life forms congregating here... could it be that things are picking up under Danny's management? Details at 11. Bartender Jonathan makes the meanest White Russians around--no wonder they're called Caucasians! Flounder claims R100 cheeseburger a better deal than McD's. Ignore the prices on the menu: it's some of the cheapest bar food around, as long as you don't eat it between 21.00 and 01.00, `cause the rest of the time, everything's half off! Fri. and Sat. live music actually draws some decent bands. This town hasn't seen a good Ladies' Night in a long, long time, and we're hoping Thurs. at Expat will change that... Jeers: ...but they won't unless the ladies are allowed to drink as much as they want. On the eve of Hitler's birthday, Flounder drank on the street outside of Expat with one of their chefs who turned out to be organizing his own anti-Semitic rampage through Podmoskovye - in other words, Jews beware whenordering food! VIP room downstairs has all the personality of possum roadkill. Design says "ex-pat" or, more precisely, "khokhly are ex-pats, too." M: Kitai-Gorod Cover: Not sure; ask again later Phone: 298-5414; 298-5404 Address: Pevchesky per. 4 (off Solyanka) Hours: 12.00 - 6.00 Garage

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Cheers: eXile alert! Serial rapist stalked a sober Sex Machine here recently. Might be most happenin' club on Weds. in town, and some of the devs are actually only looking for a good time! Free bottle of shampanskaya on your birthday and don't let any manager tell you otherwise--you just have to appeal to Doug or Marty. Sex tourists in their natural habitat spotted here. Deafening music helps drown out CNN's racist coverage of world-changing events! Toward the end of a recent post-production Weds. night binge, Krazy Kevin was approached by seemingly the only working girl in the place, and boned her free of charge. Apparently, standing around scowling disdainfully is still a valid pickup method in some circles! The legendary Doug (of Hungry Duck fame) and Marty (of English fame) hold court every night among a rollicking, drunken, fun-loving, and occasionally smelly group of motley expats, Russians, and those somewhere mysteriously in between. Jeers: Flounder recently was thown out of his Kurskaya apartment for drunken rowdiness, casting in doubt whether he will continue to be a regular at the Weds. eX-pat meeting point. At least that means more free beer for the rest of us! Tuesdays should be called "No-More-Whores" days. Since 9/11, non-working-girl density seems to have dropped to near-zero levels. Cut-rate whores of very imaginable human and non-human fauna reminiscent of the Creature Cantina scene in Star Wars. Whores don't give discounts, even in times of national crises. Dirty old whoring ex-pats provide a glimpse into your future. Dicked us on an ad. Doug's getting married--what is this world coming to??? Higgins says the Expat Meeting Point is a scam--impossible to get your hands on the free beer, and no sluts to be had. On weekends, some of those working girls have significantly inflated expectations as to their street value. Cover: 60R ladies, 100R men M: Kurskaya Phone: 917-9986/-0150 Address: Zemlyanoi Val 26 Hours: the subject of some debate Cabana

Cheers: Go here after sunrise and you might think yourself transported back to pre-crisis Moscow, when people partied like it was 1999. Packed with talent and girls getting off from their shifts at Nightflight. By the time you get to Garage nobody's gonna be drinking much, making it cheaper to hit on devs. Plenty of friendly neighborhood Swedes. Also a great place to start the evening for pre-all-nighters, or for after work unwinding with the civilized folk. Hip New York-style bar: you enter through the thick steel door with the massive steel monkey wrench on it, then go down into a vaguely garage-themed basement bar. Jeers: They even let Flounder in--adding weight to charges of anti-Semitism. Some freak Jew slipped past security and tried to recruit the Sex Machine as a Gerbal Life salesman. The anti-Semites are back in control, goose-stepping in force. Rudnitsky and DP's Marc Schleifer turned away at door because management didn't want any "dirty yid" money. Internal memos said to have a swastika on the letterhead. Guards get paid a week's salary everytime they desecrate a Jewish cemetary. Can get tight when crowded; bourgeois. Wildly unpredictable "face control" sometimes leaves you shaking your head in confusion once you get inside and see the other dorks who got in. Cover: None (Third Reich Face Control) M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 209-1848 Address: Ul. Tverskaya 15/2 Hours: 24 hours Hungry Duck

Cheers: Our own Matt Taibbi once visited here, and had much to say about it. New menu has made them popular for biz lunch; also includes a well-prepared saucy Italian dish with beef and mushrooms and some oddly named Japanese noodle things we've never heard of. Good-quality shrimps and pelmeny. Unpretentious cellar pub located just a hop, skip, and jump from Garage, without the humiliating door hassles. Come here to relax, sample their fine selection of draft beer (including the rare cherry and raspberryflavored Bellevue, from Germany--we think), or just chew the fat after work. Jeers: Fish assortment thing comes up way short in the flavor category, although the fish itself was decent. Our former office slave Dima complains of slow service here on occasion (he actually used the word "disaster" to describe it)--some dishes take as long as 70 minutes, when the waitress promises them in 10 minutes. Not a place to go if you're looking for some mischief. Cover: None M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 292-7549; 292-7681 Address: Strastnoi bulvar 4 (through the arch) Hours: 12.00 - 6.00 Le Club

Cheers: eXile alert! Chances are if you wake up in Yugo-Zapadnaya with a bunch of Mexicans in a hail storm, you were at McCoys the night before. You never know when things will go off at McCoy's, which is why we go so damn often. Flounder actually dragged an unconscious slut from here into a car and back to his place! Waytago! Better than the Manchurian Candidate technique to insure memory loss. Home to the historic Super Bowl after-party, after the Pats won! Where's your God now, Warner? Also celebrated C's historic game 3 victory here. Minimum conversational skills required. This place really is the real McCoy... somehow they've fused a high slut factor with an intelligent and attractive crowd that is way less annoying than Moskva-Berlin types. That is, the sluts and the intelligent, attractive chicks are two very different beasts, but they coexist peacefully here. If there's a way to get kicked out, we haven't found it! Packed `til late. Cheaper than a Jew at a K-Mart liquidation sale. Jeers: Rudnitsky had the perfect chance to cut off the head of a persistent slut and didn't follow thru. May be acting as a medium for the spirit of the Duck. 2fer1 drinks are now doubles, making them harder on your stomach than giardia. After a solid start, Schrek's vomit-to-visit ratio down to 1:2. Will soon begin inevitable process of decline and we'll once again be stuck listening to Ames's diatribes about how many different phyla of crabs he caught in pre-crisis Moscow. M: Barakadnaya Phone: 255-41-44 Address: Koudrinskaya pl. 1 (where Zoo was, in the towering Stalin dom) Hours: Always Respublika-Beefeater

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Cheers: Mocow's top Jazz/yuppie bar. Has probably the best interior design of any kulturny-middlebrow club in Moscow: long brass bartop with sauna lights, pastel seats, and hidden booths. Great place to take a date or a group of friends. Jeers: Has live jazz every night. Cover: None M: Taganskaya Phone: 915-1042 Address: Verhnaya Radishchevskaya 21 Hours: 12.00 - 2.00 (Fri-Sat until 5.00) O.G.I Club

Cheers: Still boasts girls that are illegal even by Russia's lax standards! It's always some dev's birthday at the Duck. Even bouncers know that we SI-ed the wrong Duck a couple months back. As always, the best place to have a chick pass you her phone number while deep throating some guy. And home to the patented Duck Look, whose hypnotic powers allow sweaty expired men with unbuttoned shirts to take home over-thehill Lolitas and shag their brains out. Jeers: Our cards were at the door by a guard who claimed only embassy IDs can gain free entrance. Toxic BO cloud remains even when the club is empty. The strip show is now almost exclusively waxed men--few chicks pulled out of the crowd, none disrobed, and nothing even remotely resembling a wendeling on stage. Most of the shoving and pushing isn't girls trying to grab you, but men running to the toilet to expel an alien from their innards. Old bearded men think that they can talk to you just because you share a common language. Short-lived eXile chick columnist Mona Anderson attempted to have a repulsive bisexual experience with some sad Canadian dude. M: Kuznetsky Most Phone: 923-6158 Address: Pushechnaya ul. 9 (next to Kuznetsky Most Metro) Hours: 12.00 - 6.00 Kitaisky Lyotchik

Cheers: Still packs a crowd of cute and approachable student slutz, lotz of whom are really A1+! Waitresses no longer wrapped in the Union Jack. Aggressively breasted waitstaff adds to your dining pleasure. Continues to reject the citywide trend of giving up on mojo. This is a place where folks are at ease doing everything from macking shamelessly on the dancefloor to ignorantly arguing over the transendentental I. Jeers: Ought to lose the live music acts and go-go dancers with furry animals pinned to their legs. Okhraniki don't have any respect for slightly tipsy rock stars. The use of meat hooks and other large grappling devices is frowned upon by management. Only the ugly slutz make eye contact. Topless show can create bottle necks. We waited 20 minutes on recent Tuesday visit, and they didn't even bring us a menu. If that happens again, we're going to call the manager gay. We don't know anyone who has ever gotten laid here. Some chicks here think that passing notes is an acceptable way to meet guys. Waitresses are convinced that you are the reason that their life is spiralling uncontrolably downwards into a black pit of ultimate despair. Cover: 50R M: Lubyanka/Ploshchad Revolyutsiya Phone: 928-4692 Address: Nikolskaya ul. 17 Hours: 18.00 - 6.00 Revolutionary Vodka Bar

!!! NEW

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Cheers: Management doesn't seem to care how drunk you are! Even weekends are slutintensive until closing. The place is boppin-packed with "solidny" clients. Tuesday Ladies' Nights filled with dyevs during the strip show. Come here with your reel and net and go fishin'! Strippers and whores like going here on their "night off." Deliciously colorful layout with two bars whipping up tropical cocktails, live music, and a separate super-delish restaurant. Has couches, TV monitors to watch bands. Eclectic crowd includes students, Africans, and decent babe factor. Jeers: Failed gambit by Rudnitsky at 05.30 last Sat. led to nothing but a handful of ass and a telephone #. Could the girls here be getting prudish? You may have to dance to have a chance. Chicks can be business class--and $$$. Plastic palm leaves sometimes get in your face. Cover: R150? M: Tretyakovskaya Phone: 238-5006/5017 Address: Raushskaya nab. 4 Hours: 18.00 - 6.00 Cube

Cheers: Plenty of `hos looking for a way to avoid going home to mama. Lots of students who don't study much. If the club is boring, you can always go upstairs and bowl. Organizers get an "A" for effort. Jeers: May be a closet gay club. Pretty fucking expensive considering the surrounding real estate. Cover: 100R, chicks free before midnight (no cover Thurs & Sun) M: Voikovskaya Phone: 747-5000 Address: Leningradsky shosse 16 (inside Champion) Hours: Thurs - Sun 22.00 - 6.00 Embassy Club

Cheers: Popular among "deep" foreign high school kiddies! Didn't kick Flounder out after he puked on the patio following a Tequilajazzz concert. Lyotchik has expanded, adding a cozy crepe room with English-style wallpaper, and an extra back chill-out equipped with great red ass-pillows. One of the few authentic bohemian tusovki, brought to you by famous godmother of the Moscow tusovka Irina Papernaya. Imagine Krisis Zhanra, only better: it's open all the time, serves quality cheap food, and shows quality live music. Located in the basement of a pre-Revolutionary building right near the Kitai-Gorod metro station. Try the soups and potato dishes. Young waitresses with very few visible sores or bruises. Jeers: Dangerous Chukhonka hunting reserve. Sound quality on par with a Brezhnev-era Elektronika 8-track. Filled with girls who are alternative just to feel comfortable about their fat rolls and probably love Peaches. Won't let you sit at a table unless you order food, even if the place is mostly empty. KKK received a massive head wound after finding out that there's a two hour teknicheski pereriv in the early morning hours. That means they don't really work all night long. Slight culture clash with the disco, but hey, who's complaining? We are: Russians getting whipped up into epileptic frenzies just don't jive with our view of the 21st century. The occasional androgynous person confuses even Roundeye. Charge entrance on weekdays if bands play. Students who look too studenty. Cover: 100R for concerts (none before and after) M: Kitai-Gorod Phone: 924-5611 Address: Lyubanksy proyezd 25 Hours: Not quite 24 hours Krisis Zhanra

Cheers: Our Jewish staff swears there is no cheaper place to get a student date drunk! This may be the only place in Moscow that is packed at four in the morning on a Tuesday. Members of our staff have alfontsed here. Neat-0 neighborhood art-fag hangout. If you're one of those student types who likes to talk about how something that's "in" now is actually already "old" in your oh-so-cool eyes, then this might be the place where you might want to try your new stances out. Lots of ratty knit sweaters, horn-rimmed glasses, and yes, t-shirts that mean something. Cheap drinks and food, no techno dicks. Jeers: NY Times uber-villian Thomas Freidman used the OGI chain as proof that the WASP work ethic is overpowering the oligarchs in a battle for new Russia! He opened that column observing that the "new" trend in Moscow is sushi. If he had read fellow zhid Tannenbaum more frequently, he would know that the "new" sushi trend dates back to before the `98 crisis. This time, the economic boom must be really for real! Andrew Jack of the FT called the OGI chain a place for the intellectual members of the emerging middle class, meaning it's a shoe-in for next season's Lonely Planet-toting, cargopant-clad crowd. This place gets more notice in the Western press than genocide in Chechnya! Closeted fags in Alphaville shirts try to hit on you. A beachhead for lesbian chic invading Moscow! Some time back Krazy Kevin nearly got into a brawl with a surly youngster after singing some Negro spiritual tunes. The only people who get tables on weekends are losers who always show up at parties too early. High beard factor. Hard to breathe. Trety Put' times two. Cover: 50-80R on weekends M: Chistiye Prudi Phone: 927-5609 Address: 8/12 Potapovsky pereulok, str. 2 (walk through the arch, turn right at end and look for black door to basement) Hours: Always Papa John's

Cheers/Jeers: Parker finds a new venue! M: Chekhovskaya Phone: 200-1337 Address: Bolshaya Dmitrovka 30/1 Hours: `round the clock

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Cheers: Security could teach American airport guards a thing or two about stopping crime before it happens. Security guards read the eXile religiously, even inquiring if our photo of a bi-vaginal Anna Kournikova was real. Surprise massacre of entire local British community will be made easier thanks to this place--just toss a bag of Sarin down the stairs on the night of some dumb soccer match. Huge screen TV showing top sports events. Virtual golf featuring golf pros who don't have a clue what they're doing is always good for a laugh, as the light above the course gets broken at least once per weekend. Good prices, and home-brewed non-filtered beer make it worthwhile to stay for that second NFL game. Jeers: It's World Cup time again, meaning all worthy sports will be sidelined until further notice, unless our Dear Leader intervenes and launchs an attack on the capitalist South. The hordes of Royal Subjects who linger prior to Sunday NFL games really piss us off. Service takes longer than the jurassic period. They don't show the NFL Europe. Waitresses are always confused about how to charge a party of more than one. A better Caesar salad can be made with a blender. Russians who swing golf clubs should not be allowed within 500 meters of anything with a central nervous system. Cover: None M: Arbatskaya Phone: 745-5839; 291-1130 Address: Novy Arbat 21 (under Metelitsa Casino) Hours: Always Territoriya

Cheers: Steve was so bored in Moscow over the May holidays that he noticed we cut

Cheers: Said to be happening again. Musical Director Nosh is huge in Australia. You go, girl! Their Georgian food isn't exactly going to solve the long-running Caucasus feuds, but the Georgian-style Solyanka (80R) is fantastic and large, and the khachapuri is fresh and far better than Mama Zoya's. Come here and mellow out to some cool, live tunes with the rest of Moscow's Boho-intelli crowd. Good place to sit and act alienated, waiting to be discovered by someone. Jeers: Higgins dissents on the happening thing: one concert he attended involved a castrated lumberjack singing folksy tunes in English. Ever-increasing numbers of sensi-

Cheers: The recent birthday bash offered much in the way of barely legal snapper and the tequila body shots paved the was for several strive sightings. Can you ever go wrong with dyevs showing their tits? No. You cannot. Nightlife wiz Neil is back running Papa like in the old days. That means cheap drink deals, hella happeninz and a new Tex-Mex menu. When did PJ's get so packed with quality snapper?! We just don't know, but there ain't no denying it! Reminds us of the Yeltsin-era. PJ, you have brought much mirth-- and a few communicable parasites--into the lives of budding and seasoned alcoholics alike. Be prepared to wait in line on weekends, but it's a wait well worth it. Booths for respectable or crippled people. Dyevs get easily suckered into doing things they'll regret the next morning; boyfriends try their best to pretend they're not getting angry. Jeers: Roaming midgets dressed in wild west costumes gave Shrek nightmares for 4 days. Mid-week mojo lacking; sometimes packed with girls even Higgins has turned down. Now charges 150R cover on weekends! Expensive drinks. Too many submerging middle class Russkys and bloated lecherous (mostly European) expats. Brick paneling looks fake, even if it's real. Cover: 150R on weekends, free-ish during the week M: Chistye Prudy

Cheers: Has entered some unknown wormhole inhabited by one part bodacious student babes and one part gay guys in ribbed muscle shirts. Weird! Mix of at least 90% of the guys surveyed claimed to be bi, and we all know what that means. Jeers: No real mojo even when packed. Bouncers have trouble responding to simple commands like sit and roll over. They think up lame excuses to keep out our lovely designer Dasha. An Afisha reviewer admitted that the old Territoriya was her "favorite" club, meaning that the place is poisoned by her dorkadent-anthrax-spores for 1,000 years. Dancefloor the size of a large jacuzzi. Cover: R50 M: Okhotny Ryad Phone: 737-8865 Address: Tverskaya ul. 5 (around the back in an alley) Hours: 13.00 - 06.00

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Trety Put'

Cheers: Moscow's only squat-like boho hangout. Occasional decent live acts, dayglo/artsy interior. You won't believe you're in Moscow. Sometimes has good DJs who play music that impresses techno Brits. This place once burned down. Jeers: Bands grandmothers sometimes come. Jiggling masses of celluloid dance the polka to punk rock. Proof that progressive politics lead to progressive waistlines. Art on walls has regressed from shitty progressive to just shitty. The Boho-Westerner's answer to Silver's: way too familiar for our tastes. Aggressively unattractive women--hey, are we in Berkeley or Moscow?! Too many guys with pointy beards and T-shirts that mean something. Cover: 70R M: Tretyakovskaya Phone: 951-8734 Address: Pyatnitskaya 4 Hours: 21.00 - 2.00 (Thurs. - Sat.) Voodoo Lounge

fast item called "sukharik c pafusom"! The only thing missing on a recent visit was a group of marginalized eXpats trying futilely to get past face control. Jeers: Admission by club card. Dyevs here are TOYL (Totally Out of Your League) so don't even try. Proportion of new dorkadent clubs to new everything else affirms Putin's Europeanization strategy. Site of the Schwartz chutning. M: Pushkinskaya/Kuznetsky Most Phone: 924-0358 Address: Petrovka 21/1 Hours: 23.00 - 06.00 Thurs. - Sun. Most

Cover: Facist face control M: Ul. 1905 Phone: 255-1462 Address: ul. 1905 2a (next to Kafka) Tsepellin

Gorod

Park Avenue Disco

Cheers: Two fights and two fucks we once saw added a star to each of the fahkie and the flathead factors! Plenty of young sluts lookin' for luv. Stays packed all night long. Voodoo has become part of the must-do "circuit" for everyone from hormone-charged eXholes to Latino-luvin' teenies. Wednesdays, featuring salsa dance lessons, said to boast awesome one-hand-clapping slut factor. Stanley spins records here on Thursdays. Los Locos Cubanos that you all remember from the Duck serve up their trademark killer cocktails. Jeers: Security had to triple-team a drunken 5'7'' Rudnitsky to keep him from outing them, and even then they didn't manage to leave any perminant scars. You can't have your oysters and eat them too. Snideman impersonators rumored to get in without paying cover. Don't fall for that «just going to the bathroom» stunt. Girls think that all you want is their number. Too many men with greasy ponytails. Ames was refused sex and asked to accompany a bitch all the way to Babushkinskaya after macking her up for a good half hour. If, like Ames, your time is money, then be careful you don't waste it. Cover: 50R for broads, 150R for dudes (weekends only) M: Belorusskaya Phone: 253-2323 Address: Sredny Tishinsky pereulok 5/7 Hours: 12.00 - 6.00

Cheers: Girls so hot they inspire you to jack off in the bathroom! Holy shit, folks, our own Hoffberg actually made it in this place wearing old dirty corduroys and a dirty, faded short-sleeved shirt AND he didn't even have to pay the 1000 ruble cover! Is this a new hope to eXholes hoping to frequent one of Moscow's quintessential dorkadent haunts... Jeers: ...or just because he was with 3 NBA Hall-of-Famers and 6 other former pro ball players. Low mack factor if you're not a 6'6" professional athlete. The depressingly hot models in the fashion show ain't gonna be looking your way. American girls impressed by this place. You can take the people out of the mud, but you can't take the mud out of the people... Cover: 1,000R (face control and other shite) M: Kuznetsky Most Phone: 928-1707 Address: Corner of Kamergersky and Petrovka Hours: 23.00-06.00 Muzei

Cheers: Held the Nightlife Awards afterparty and even then refused to let Ne Spat! staffers inside! Now that's maintaining standards! The very definition of dorkadence: a Euro-trash-compactor with equal opportunity go-go dancers catering to fags and flamers alike. Not too expensive considering the pretentionsness of the crowd. Music loud enough to adopt a bad Nazi accent and convince chicks you are from das Vaterland before you fuck them. They still let us in free, even after the infamous October `98 eXile Crisis Party. Jeers: So fucking German, that you'll feel like you're in a WWII concentration camp. Shift to sitting around drinking coffee rather than aggressive dancing means these upscale broads are aging and putting on the pounds even more quickly than before. The way-too-bright lighting doesn't help matters. Strong face control doesn't keep all the ugly girls out. eXile General Counsel Moe Snideman was recently refused entry; his office currently has a claim before the Moscow Arbitration Court to seek appropriate remedies from these Nazi fucks. Has a sauna upstairs, which really excites New Russians. M: Sukharevskaya Address: Ul. Gilyarovskogo 8 (go through archway of Prospekt Mira d.7, walk right, and look for the 3-story building with the Mercs parked out front) Shizlong

Cheers: Ames got laid here... sort of, in a vicarious way. But whatever, she had a fresh snapper! Packed selection of teenie (and pre-teenie) sluts. Raver retro will really wow all you 90s geezers. Is far enough away from the center to attract girls with no clue about what a loser you are, while the guys generally look like they come from Dzerzhinsk. Cheap enough to afford to fail. Jeers: Even the youngest eXile staffers feel over the hill at this place. They lost Rudnitsky's coat in the huge gardirob, and then told him it was his own damn fault and almost beat him up when he protested. Sometimes make vodka tonics with whack-ass bubblegum flavored syrup. Lame techno, kids with white gloves doing the Rerun dance. Cover: 150R (120R for card-carrying students) M: Ulitsa 1905 goda Phone: 256-5066 Address: Shmitovsky proyezd 16 Hours: 19.00 - 6.00 Hippopotam

Cheers: Lines in mid-November stretch to the the Peter the Great statue by TsDKh. Center ran a harrowing "Youth in Crisis" investigative report in which this tennybopper mecca figured prominently--the place was blamed for everything from the youth drug problem to making young Russian girls into slut to sexually confused young boys being tricked into second-rate sex change operations. Has a "Tyomnaya Komnata" where all manner of gang-banging and other perversions are said to occur. Higgins lied about getting his knob polished here, but other aspects of his E-Z pick-up story were believable. Patient, courteous girls will talk to you for at least three or four minutes after discovering you're a total loser. Jeers: We're too cheap to pay VIP entrance (R400) which gets you in w/out waiting and a free drink inside. Ratios inside supposedly mindboggling, but we didn't stick around long enough to follow Reagan's Trust but Verify strategy. Security supposedly has a nounder-20 age policy, which means some of us have to leave our genital growths at the door. Cover: 30-190R (depending on the day) M: Marksistskaya Phone: 911-0498 Address: Taganskaya ulitsa, 40-42 (in the park) Hours: 20.00 - 8.00 Virus

Dorkadence

A priori

Cheers: Dorkadent done right! Ames had to replace the battery in his pace-maker after a mere fifty minutes here. Infested wih model level babes. They actually let Higgins in. Jeers: Ice bitches with stares that could freeze Christopher Reeve's dick. Slaves forced to mop the floor even when it's clean. On an off night you can see what the future holds for the dorkadent masses, and, folks, it ain't pretty. M: Mayakovskaya Address: Tverskaya-Yamskaya (where Karusel was) Hours: 23.00-06.00 Portfolio

Cheers: An abundance of centrally located oxygen bars could reduce real estate values in Yugo-Zapadnaya and other ekologichesky chisty areas. Jaw-dropping babe-itsky models lounging around. Tanning chambers for claustrophobes, people who can't sit down, various spinal curvatures and other special needs patients. Damn fine menu. Didn't kick Ames out for breaking a glass. Jeers: eXile alert! Snideman has filed a complaint in the Stockholm Arbrtation Court against Shizlong, and we quote: "WHEREBY the accused served me HOT gin and tonics with ice in a separate glass; WHEREBY the accused has tables which are not stable and the seating was uncomfortable; WHEREBY the accused's restaurant was empty..." He threatened to return with his Louisville Slugger, and had to be restrained with an IV of ice-cold gin and tonics. Harbinger of the new beauty salon/cafe phenomenon that has finally and unfortunately trickled down to Moscow from Paris, Berlin and Milan - why can't Russians at least think up their own lame trends? M: Kropotkinskaya Phone: 241-44-14 Address: Maly Vlasyevsky per 5, str. 8 Hours: 10.00 - the last one heads to Muzei

Cheers: Back office filled with half dressed hos! Still packed with eager slutz looking for foreign students! Hippo has shot to the top of the populists' choice for weekend partying, attracting a similar crowd to Boar House, only more studenty. Run by an energetic fembot spinning stomach-twirling tunes. A favorite of the US Marines during R&R, as well as a weird assortment of off-duty waitresses, wives, and molls. Music has improved, and somehow the once-depressing interior actually seems lively. Overall, worth a long stop. Jeers: Pulled their ads from because they think we're too vulgar. Quite a distance from the metro. One of those places that seems really happening when you first walk in, but as your eyes adjust, you sometimes might start to feel creeping disappointment. M: Ulitsa 1905 goda Phone: 256-2327 Cover: None on weekdays; Weekends: 100R for dudes, 50R for dyevs Address: Ul. Mantulinskaya 5/1, Bldg. 6 (downstairs from Santa Fe) Hours: 22.00 - 6.00

Cheers: They may have finally figured out how to make this place work. Former presidential contender Umar Djabrailov has sold the place to some washed up fashion designer, who is said to be turning the place around. Pretty cool techno layout, now with lots of TVs and sometimes porno. For free. Chicks aren't bad looking, music is standard house. We're keeping an eye on this. Jeers: Still mostly empty, so you're not likely to catch a Virus here. Has a lame VIP hall with a thug standing guard, as if there's anything to guard. M: Smolenskaya Phone: 937-8029 Address: Smolenskaya ploshchad 3/5 Hours: 22.00 - 6.00 Thurs - Sun

Karaoke

20 Etazh

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Cheers: Plenty of second-rate models relax here after a hard day on the catwalk. Tall chicks are more approachable when they come in herds! Dorkadent, but it didn't evoke any uncontrollable feelings of ultra-violence on our first visit. Some of the girls were smiling and even dancing as only Russian dyevs can. Jeers: Soon entry will be by club card only, meaning we may never see the inside of this place again. Go-go dancers try hard to be nonchalant. Several readers complained that they couldn't understand a word of guest reviewer E. Kant's review, damaging his brittle ego. Cover: None, but face control reminiscent of Bismarck's geopolitics M: Arbatskaya Phone: 291-77-83 Address: Bolshaya Molchanovka 12/1 Hours: 23.30 to 06.00 Club XIII

eXile alert! XIII is closed for remont until further notice... they figured your ego needed a break to recover from their brutal feis kontrol! Cheers: You don't even want to know what the DJs cost, but this place has the most progressive Brits in town. They finally got rid of that pesky Mick manager! Venue of choice for all the hot British DJs from Leeds. Dorkadence for the masses. Popularity with offduty whores could translate into some bargain boning for you. Blowjobs not unheard of in the chill-out room. Try as we might, we still can't find anything that's wrong about naked chicks dancing in cages. Great opium den area, theme parties that pull no punches. Often feature midgets, which impresses dyevs. Jeers: Um... where were all the VIPs to celebrate the club's b-day? Could XIII be hurting? Humiliated Rudnitsky in front of his awfully cute date by not letting him thru face control; their reason--aging slut face control that didn't want to let a 21-year-old hottie in to highlight just how over-the-hill the whores inside are. Boy George played his records here. Dorks in Valentino boutique suits who don't know how foolish they look and still think that smoking cigars is cool. Anti-teen door policy. Cover: Weekends often $5 for members, $15 for non-members; call for details. Very strict feis kontrol (except for masked MVD cops) M: Turgenevskaya Phone: 927-2391 Address: 13 Myasnitskaya Hours: 18.00 - 6.00 Gallereya

Cheers: Used to have quality Chinese food for under $10 dollars per entree. Located in the Lenkom Theater where the flash-in-the-pan Dvorak used to be, Portfolio does dorkadence right. Quality DJs with a state-of-the-art system, babes o' plenty and nightly fashion shows, and overall casual feel. Thugs at door turned away a dorkadent kavazets yet still let Ames in, a first in Moscow. Jeers: eXile alert! Asked our secretary to "please take Portfolio out of Bardak." Apparently these assholes learned about democracy watching RTR. If the manager hadn't gotten his dick bitten off while getting a blowjob in the back of a taxi, maybe he'd invite Higgins for a new review. But he must know Higgins hates dickless fuck faces, and that no good would come of it. Features a GULAG payment policy: they let you in free with a card allowing you up to 500R in spending "money," then, when you leave, they corral you to one cashier, make you hand in the card, and make you pay for all the drinks they'd promised you for free. This is a bait-and-switch that only Putin's poeple could pull off, it's so crude. DJ Ojo is no longer here, so we can no longer vouch for the club's coolness or quality. This site has become the Bermuda Triangle of Moscow nightlife, "disappearing" at least half a dozen places over the years. Has a no-smoking dining section in the loft upstairs. Chicks are kind of unapproachable, so you may have to bring a meat hook. Cover: None (semi-unpredictable face control) Metro: Chekhovskaya Address: Malaya Dmitrovka 6 Hours: 18.00 - 6.00 Serdtse

Tsirk (Afisha)

Cheers: Management often rents out the club for free alcohol promotions. Hosted our Zap Rally party, and even let us park there overnight. Guards let Taibbi get a couple shots in before breaking up a fight. Is now called Afisha Kafe (no relation apparently to the pafosny listings mag) on weekdays. We're not sure why that's a cheer--it just is. A fun place to try to steal someone else's girlfriend. Jeers: Having a club with three names violates the new labor code. Several mechanics from Arzamas thought that Arzamas clubs are more kicking. Waitress claimed she was too tired to go home with Ames. Savages puking all over each other in the bathroom. Cover: Free (super-duper strict face control) M: Tsvetnoi Bulvar Phone: 729-4450 Address: Tsvetnoi Bulvar 13 Hours: Thu - Sat 23.00 - 6.00

Cheers: A recent Saturday visit featured an astounding array of attractive snapper, in both quality and quality. Female Russian representatives of US Government-sponsored "young leaders" exchange programs will tell you they like to "suck cock for beer money" here. Hip-hop Sundays full of slutz willing to settle for a white boy after several drinks. Huge crowds of babes as good as anything you'll get in Putin's Moscow. Underage slutz sneak by security on occasion. Sat. night Latin dance lessons til midnite packs devs in; don't worry if they're not drinking initially--they just need to concentrate. A lotta talent on weekends. Decent action here on Thursdays, for those who want to let the crowds at Propaganda thin out before trying to get in. Sergio spotted here occasionally. Changed their name to Karma bar after complaints from offended Buddhists. Actually they were reborn as a newer, higher form of club. Jeers: Home to some of the biggest booties in Moscow--how do those sluts pack it all in?! Some devs with a New Jersey-esque aesthetic. Two eXile staffers stuck out with leftovers from Propaganda, and they weren't even all that. Ames felt up an aging British chick here. They need to do something about the coat check. Cover: 50R for chicks, 150R for dudes on weekends (liberal face control) M: Kuznetsky Most Phone: 924-5633 Address: Ul. Pushechnaya 3 (just down from Hola Mexico) Hours: Wed. -Sun.: 19.00 - 6.00 Matchbox

Cheers: This has got to be the best place in Moscow to impress your provincial date! Panorama views from the 20th floor of the Orlyonok, private karaoke booths starting from $15 an hour, buzzers on the table to get your waitress's attention, and reasonably priced drinks that will have her stumbling in no time! We've started spending all our free time here. Super hi-tech "professional" quality karaoke machines that you have to see to believe. Jeers: Pain in the ass to get to. Any visit to the Orlyonok means risking getting hit by a stray bullet. M: Leninsky Prospekt Phone: 939-88-69/-68 Address: Kosigina 15 (20th floor of the Orlyonok) Hours: noon - 05.00

High Rollin'

Club Lux

Shake It!

Cheers: New place for model level babes and their dependants. Higgins preyed upon unsuspecting second-tier model here... and got away with it! Everything is way too cheap to convince us that it is really an elite club. Live music from Nozh dlya Frau Mulher might have been cool... Jeers: ...two years ago. If you look beyond the avant-garde aspirations of this place, you are left with a Soviet circus. If you look beyond the model level bodies, you are left with bad teeth. Nothing is as it seems in the world of haute kultura. Cover: None M: Belorusskaya Phone: 213-62-01; 213-52-60 Address: Leningradsky pr. 24a (take the first left off of ul. Pravdy) Shambala DJ

Cheers: Now that it's dead and sucks, we actually like it. The way we like all corpses. Jeers: You'll have to check your pride in at the door. Weekends hit and miss; one recent Friday "crowd" was nothing of the sort, with the dancefloor half-empty and available tables in the back room. Touch a chick and your body probably won't float to the top of the Moskva River until mid-spring. Drinks mega-expensive. High leathery plastic surgery factor. Cover: Strict feis kontrol M: Pushkinskaya Address: Corner of Petrovka and Strastnoy Bulvar Hours: 18.00 - 6.00 Gertsen

Cheers: eXile alert! The coolest door on the odd side of Kuznetsky Most! Good place to hear exactly how bored dorkadent Muscovites are of the `scene'. Goa theme was really cosmic, man! Jeers: Just when face control seemed to be a thing of the past... If anyone needs proof that Moscow is still corrupt and undemocratic, look no further. Why don't Jewish NY Times columnists ever write about places like this as a sign of where Russia is headed? `Cause they couldn't get past the okhroniki! Higgins can get in, but he can't even approach the hos here. Harbinger for that whole ironic critique of pop culture in Moscow that rocked the West, oh, seven years ago. Cover: None, but Nazi face control M: Kuznetsky Most Phone: 927-87-27 Address: Ul. Kuznetsky Most, 3 Hours: 21.00 - 08.00 Shu

Cheers: eXile alert! Folks, this place is CHICK CENTRAL! Recent research here proved that one in twelve Russian chicks is a practicing Muslim--though not a very strict Muslim. Free beer with cover too small to sip. 3AM "Dirty Dancing" contest always a guaranteed bush sighting--and we're not talking George W. All it takes is a few minutes of conversation. Sluts, sluts, sluts, and hoz. Male competition is so lame you could come here in a wheelchair and score. So popular with student sluts, they wait for hours to enter. Jeers: Krazy Kevin nearly picked up a Miss Piggy, but she turned out to be on the rag. Door thugs should be doing their job and screening for bleeding girls--maybe they need a special sniffer dog to sniff every snapper. You might have to actually dance with the chicks here, so get very drunk. Cover: Dudes 200R, Chicks 70R M: Belorusskaya Address: Gruzinsky val 31 (upstairs in Canadian Bagels) Phone: 250-0482 Hours: thursdays, fridays & saturdays 23.00 - 6.00 Downtown

Cheers: The centrally-located crib for the hip-hop crowd. Lots of woozie ho's just getting their first pubes and ready to bust your nut, poi! Tight cozy two-floor layout, a good change from the usual shit. Jeers: High ski cap and baggy clothes factor. Slavs splaying their fingers out with stiff arms as they dance, trying to look negroidal. Too much dancing here. Even we felt a bit old. Cover: 100R on weekends. M: Turgenevskaya Phone: 923-9660 Address: Krivokolenny Per 10, Str. 5 Hours: find out for yo'self, nigga! Ministerstvo

Cheers: For the serious, discreet gambler. No hookers, no unshaven mafiosi, no seedy chelnoki; this place is actually respectable, the clientele consisting mostly of biznesmeny. Jeers: Don't come here looking for sex; security dressed like Giuliani cops means you have to check in your fun--and your gun--at the door. Cover: None M: Yugo-Zapadnay Phone: 430-4393 Address: Michurinsky prospekt 4/1 Hours: 13.00 - 8.00 Golden Palace

Cheers; New place for flatheads to park their Mercedes! A club by the same guys who brought you Titanik! Jeers: Gawking at babes for more than three seconds concidered grounds for having your eyes put out with hot pokers. Cover: ? M: Barrakadnaya Phone: 222-01-58 Address: Malaya Nikitskaya Ul. 24 Hours: Thurs. - Sun., 23.00-06.00 Parizhskaya Zhizn'

Cheers: Split floors, running stream with fish (no golden fish) swimming past the card tables, awesome New Russian interior, with the most comfortable seats upstairs. Got rid of the Vietnamese restaurant, so it's shed a bit of the Deer Hunter feel. Also, great selection of $500 a pop whores (though they can be talked down). Krazy Kevin once scored some smack on the street outside here. Jeers: Nervous Russian security with shotguns pointing at your face. You have to pay the barman for the whores. Cover: 8.00 - 18.00: $20; 18.00 - 8.00: $50. Free for ladies. M: Belorusskaya Phone: 212-3909/-41 Address: 3rd Yamskogo Polya, 15 Hours: 24 hours Marilyn

Goa

Cheers: Finally a place where models can relax and have a few drinks! The ultra-modern eurotrash interior struck us as a bit suspect back when Goa was just another over priced ethnic restaurant... then they done gone turned it into a club and it all fell into place. Dorkadent with a twist; Indian DJs spin ethno-techno for Moscow's progressive clubbers. Just ignore the X-files cyber-bouncers outside and they won't bother you. Jeers: Surprisingly high amount of untouchable sluts, as in they should be tanning leather in Kanpoor and not polluting Moscow clubs. An Indian transvestite on stage is still just a transvestite on stage. Queers: Tons of guys in tight ribbed shirts and unholy thoughts. Cover: no, just face control M: Lubyanka Phone: 504-40-31 Address: Myasnitskaya Ul. 8/2 Hours: 23.00 - 06.00 Thurs - Sun Jet Set

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Cheers: At least speaking English still helps get past some face control points. Latest "In" club everyone's talking about. Top level devs who might even let you talk 'em up... not that we tried. Decadent baroque interior a slap in the face of recent hi-tech corporate German-inspired design fad. You'll never bump into Christopher Reeves here! Cool outdoor bar. Jeers: People in the know don't refer to it as "Jet Set" but "that place on Ordynka", as if that makes up for the stupid-ass name. Late night inomark traffic jams probably rigged by the management. M: Dobryninskaya Address: ul. Malaya Ordynka 37 Hours: 23.00 - dawn

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Cheers: Would have won top spot on our "Bathrooms to do coke in" list had we known it reopened! Babe central, and some of them actually drink! At least some of Moscow's old guard dorkadents still know how to party, and this is where they do it. So pafosni, they've got a break-

We open: cafe - daily, club - Fri. & Sat. from 11pm till 6am. m. Belorusskaya (Koltsevaya), Gruzinsky val, 31 Tel.: 250-0479, 250-0482

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Cheers: Cheapo prices for edible sushi. Cool faucet reminds you of your dacha. Face control that anyone can get past. Comfortable couches to sober up on after a long night. Jeers: More staff than clients. Prices of drinks has edged up when nobody was looking, which is almost always. Saturday mojo so low you may think you are in Utah after curfew. So many rooms, you might get lost. Sex is verboten. Cover: None M: Okhotni Ryad Phone: 229-66-13 Address: Gazyetny pereulok 1 (corner of Nikitskaya) Hours: 19.00 - 7.00 (Fri - Sat until 8.00)

!!! NEW

Cheers/Jeers: Parker Jarvis showed up late.

Cheers: Bizarre teeny bopper entertainment complex buried in the south end of the Manezh underground shopping mall. Somehow reminds us of the Skate Palaces where we had our junior high school birthday parties. Huge dancefloor with packs of underage aspiring sluts doing all the latest dance moves, plus lots of not quite state-of-the-art video games for when the dyev-hunting gets old. Dirt-cheap drinks. Jeers: Smokers are relegated to an unpleasant "chillout" ghetto where lots of teenage boy primitives sit at plastic lawn furniture trying to appear threatening. Much as we hate to say it, the crowd here may be too young even by our extremely liberal standards. Cover: 50R M: Okhotny Ryad Address: Inside Okhotnii Ryad mall, near the Manezh gallery Hours: 18.00 - 6.00

Cheers: Discreet upstairs casino good place to take a date or client, or just to blow your hard-stolen cash. Feed on fresh fruit, chat up the croupiers. Offers $5 tables for cheapO expat gambling addicts. Jeers: Downstairs bar and mini-dance hall still as dead as the film star. Cover: None M: Mayakovskaya Phone: 254-4706 Address: Ul. Krasina 14/7

Cheers: This place's comeback makes Adam Ant look like the midget from Willow. All night long packed with aging sluts who never made it, and the occasional babe thrown in the mix. A good place to grab unsuspecting snappers. Brings out the sensitive side of Higgins. Jeers: Lack of air conditioning combined with this summer's record heat has lead to a spike of drownings in the fountain outside. The prices just don't make any sense. Cover: Up to 150R on weekends M: Chekhovskaya Phone: 299-1595 Address: Karetny Ryad 3

Ho-ing

Bega

Cheers: At last, a place where you can watch a girl strip to live music! We knew that Moscow would finally catch up to the West. Gets some pretty kickin' groups. Most of

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www. exile. ru

Phone: 946-1026 Hours: `til 5.00

#10/142 P.10

the strippers have bruises on their asses and thighs. Jeers: VIP/free drink area has only male strippers. Lack of poles in main room force strippers to hump the banisters. Bottle necks in the long entry hallway can give you that not so fresh feeling. Negative mack factor. Too pricey for a place that isn't even near a metro stop. Cover: Up to R350 M: Begovaya Address: Begovaya 22 (at the Hippodrome)

Bely Medved

Cheers: Post-remont strip joint is flashier than ever. Cool Jabba the Hut central stage, complete with chains and pole, split-level seating, and friendly dyevs who warm up to you the minute you enter. Pro-family cover policy. Jeers: Overpriced table dances ($100 a pop), dyevs leave a little to be desired. Surly staff and security. Cover: $30 dollars Phone: 287-2551 Address: Prospekt Mira 116A Hours: 19.00 - 07.00 Caesar's Palace

to miss it, you'll be lying and claiming that you were there years down the road. The menu actually makes Night Flight one of Moscow's better eating options, and we are talking about food here. New nouvelle Scandinavian cuisine takes fusion to a new level, with everything from elk carpaccio to reindeer steak, as well as stir-fried foods and excellent cheesecake. Just another reason, and another temptation, from the pros at Night Flight. The king of Moscow's dyev-hunting grounds has just opened up a "business class" section. Guess what tha's about? We just discovered another reason to come here: if you want to drink all night around babes, feel confident, yet not get laid, come here, order a few drinks, and let the girls talk you up. You'll feel 100% better, we swear. Has returned to its glorious past: packed with babes, favorable ratios, and abuzz. Sexy working ladies, and no shame in showing your face: the Swedish-managed staff is discreet, professional and attentive. THE favored place for married men on business trips to visit--many have given this place a "two hastily removed wedding rings up!" Jeers: eXile alert! The Cartel now has set $200 as the minimum price, so pack a pair of Bens if you come. Also, drinks and entrance have risen in price. Tiny dancefloor means you just cut straight to the negotiations. If you bump into your boss, just say that you've come for the food [sic]. Many gals accused Moe Snideman of being too drunk to find company during a recent visit. This blatant breach of good faith will be remedied. Cover: 600R M: Tverskaya Phone: 229-4165 Address: Ul. Tverskaya 17 Hours: Club 21.00 - 5.00; Restaurant 18.00 - 5.00 Safari Lodge

for pool, with new tables that the mud people haven't had a chance to ruin yet. Jeers: The bowling equivalent of the Putin Youth, taking the Prez's personality cult to new heights, with big screen projections of Judo fights visible from every conceivable position within the club. Part of the giant sucking sound to Metro Ulitsa 1905 goda. Sushi and bowling still don't mix. They charge for the backgammon and chess sets. Cover: none (lanes cost up to 780R per hour) M: Ul. 1905 goda Phone: 933-0933 Address: Sergei Makyava 8a Hours: noon `til 6.00 Champion

Hours: 10.00-07.00 Four Rooms

Cheers: An all-in-one entertainment complex. You can bowl, play video games, go hoin' and play pool without leaving the comfort of one club. They even have laser tag. It's rad! Jeers: On the outer reachs of the solar system. Cover: none (lanes cost up to 600R per hour) M: Voikovskaya Phone: 747-5000 Address: Leningradsky shosse 16 Hours: 17.00 - 6:00 (Fri - Sat 12.00 - 6.00) Cosmic

Cheers: Ask any slant, and they'll tell you that history is cyclical and hold up Four Rooms as an example. This place is back in, at least among a certain slutty teenage set! Some pretty impressive talent on weekends. Super cheap, so you can afford to hit on chicks. Jeers: Who knows why they bother with live music -- we hate to prescribe Ricky Martin and J-Lo, but if Four Rooms wants to move into the big leagues, its time to get serious about attracting slutz. Enough dicking around, guys: it's time to learn a lession from Dirty Dancing and Voodoo Lounge. Weekdays can attract middle-age people who drive 5-year-old devyatkas. Low prices appeal to muzhiks looking to drink lots of vodka. Cover: 50R on weekends M: Tretyakovskaya Phone: 959-33-20; 777-39-96 Address: Raushskaya naberezhnaya 4/5 Hours: 19.00 - 7.00 Thurs - Sun. Morrisville

Jeers: Empties out immediately following the shows... needs to either keep the bands on longer or dose drinks with GHB to keep the girls from leaving. Cover: 50R-100R M: Chistyi Prudi Phone: 748-03-43 Address: Pokrovsky Bul. 3, str. 1 Hours: 10.00-06.00

Queer Nation

Chameleon

Cheers: Whoa! Watch out Metelitsa--Caesar's offers some pretty steep compitition for high-end girls! They've packed the place with off-duty models, some of which are rumored to cost more than Jake makes in two whole months. Jewelry for sale by entryway in case you want to impress the strippers; recently some guy dropped 37G on a single ring for a workin' gal! Strippers in a league of their own--even oft-limp Rudnitsky popped wood upon seeing the three lezbos in a jacuzzi act. A place you'd feel comfortable bringing your vife! Brings the best in Swedish music to Moscow, including Dr. Alban, Bosson and Army of Lovers, and as a courtesy doesn't ever let them play for more than 25 minutes! Jeers: Don't let the strippers order themselves drinks, cuz they have expensive tastes: Snideman recently dropped $20 per milkshake on some girls. He wouldn't care ordinarily, but these milkshakes didn't even taste good. Ames can't resist omnipresent free chips. Cover: Men: 600; Chix: 300 (Sun.-Thurs. free till 23.00 for diners) M: Kurskaya/Taganskaya Phone: 916-6781 Address: 50 Zemlyanoi val Hours: 21.00 - 05.00

Cheers: eXile alert! Moe Snideman recently came here and gave it one circumsized penis Way Up! Moscow's newest boner-popping underground club is back up and running after a temporary shutdown. The latest project from Jean Michel of Chesterfield and Voodoo fame is a sort of deliciously debauched Night Flight for locals--less expensive, less touristy, with more of a focus on the genuinely erotic rather than the transaction. Hands-on personal strip shows make all the difference. For more intimate encounters, there's a special "dacha" out back, with sauna, double beds, and shower, all for a measly 1,000R per hour. Drinks surprisingly inexpensive, as is the grilled restaurant menu upsatirs. There is a licensed gynecologist on the management staff. Jeers: That redhead is gone. These lap-dancing strippers are always expecting some kind of "present." No chance of meeting a nice expat girl here--wait a minute, that's not a jeer! Cover: 250R M: Chistiye Prudy Phone: 916-1879 Address: Ul. Pokrovka 32-34 (near Coffee Bean) Solaris

Cheers: Moscow's top bowling center. Offers 32 bowling lanes, the most in Moscow; plays decent techno in the blacklit Cosmik section; cheap-O drinks are a pleasing touch. Jeers: Locals are not only shitty bowlers who drop the ball like it's a boulder and drain it, they have a habit of repeatedly violating your lane; you might have to wait for a lane; the only way to make reservations is to pay 15,000R for a club membership. Cover: None (lanes cost 360-780R per hour) M: Park Kultury Phone: 246-3666 Address: Ul. Lva Tolstogo 18 Hours: 12.00 - 5.00 Depo

Cheers: Former goth dive Krai is now a bearded boho dive called Morrisville. God knows why, we're sure there's a great explanation. The cheaps are drink, which is always a good thing. Cozy, live muzak, unpretentious. Jeers: Chick hell. Lots of vosemdesyatniki with their aging groupies, very little makeup, low camel-toe factor, way the fuck outside of town. In other words, you won't be seeing us there. Cover: No M: Baumanskaya Phone: 267-03-09 Address: Spartakovskaya pl. 14 Hours: yes Rhythm `N Blues

Cheers: eXile alert! Hol-ee shit! After reading about Chameleon in the eXile, an American Negro slut with tits to her knees took off all her clothes for a TV that won't even work in the States! We must be doing something right! The most out of control amateur striptease on the planet! Five wasted guys from the audience get completely naked and then strip a dyev (also from the audience) all the way. She grabs each guy's dick and picks her favorite. After that, they get a free condom and sometimes are even willing to fuck on stage! It ain't pretty folks, but it's a must see for real eX-holes. Besides, the MC is the funniest Russian alive. Men-only gay club downstairs for... men only. Some really cute girls, and some are willing to go all the way in public! Jeers: Gay sources say this place is no longer gay, but rather provincial central. Nothing to do here when people aren't fucking on stage. Expensive cover and cheap drinks make for a volatile combo. Lots of soldier types, but then again, it is a gay club. Go-go dancers are of both sexes and the chicks are not even all that. No locks in the gay part's bathrooms make them very dangerous indeed. Cover: R190 weekends; cheaper the rest of the week M: Ulitsa 1905 goda Phone: 253-6343 Address: Presnensky Val 14 Hours: 18.00 - 6.00 Chance

!!! NEW

Cheers: Some think it's the best club in Moscow, but we don't. Handsome mixed crowd who comes to dance and enjoy. Gay soft porn, striptease, and mermaid act. Jeers: It's been over-discovered--including by OMON troops, who occasionally pop in to bash your head, take you into jail, and plant drugs on you. Very little hetero-macking. Andrew McChesney goes here. Cover: Men: 100R; Women: 150R after midnight M: Ploshchad Ilyicha Phone: 298-6247 Address: Ul. Volocharskogo 11/15 (inside Dom Kultury Serp i Molot) Hours: 23.15 - 6.00 Imperia Kino

Cheers: Stripper threw Flounder's R50 back in his face because she felt like her lapdance was better than that. After the Nightlife Awards in the Orlyonok, 911 empty except lone Indian biznismen, which came as quite a relief. Dark and sleazy. Plenty of rooms if you get bored. Multiple floors allow strippers to occasionally fly. Plenty of whores on the surrounding real estate. Jeers: If it's R250 for a vodka-tonic, how's an eX-hole to afford the ladies? A stripper with a weave is still just a stripper with a hunk of polyurethane in her hair. Only offered free wine and champagne at the Penthouse Party. Russia Journal staffers allowed inside. Cover: 500-1,000R M: Leninsky Prospekt Phone: 939-8407 Address: Ul. Kosigina 15 (inside Hotel Orlyonok) Hours: 21.00 - 8.00 Divas

Cheers: eXile alert! Recent intelligence-gathering trip revealed that this place is THE SHIT as far as strip clubs go. Now with Spearmint Rhino closed, this could become the replacement (indeed many Spearmint chix now work here). Super hot snapper pouring out of the walls non-stop, Val-U prices on drinks and private lap dances that got even an impotent Ames standing up tall, and none of those bullshit 100 dollar scam-drinks that bitches order at most strip clubs. Great excuse to check out the evro-remont in the Kosmos komplex! The hottest stripper Higgins has ever seen works here! Fo' real! Girls of all shapes, sizes, and sexes. Once the girls have got you in a Mongol-like mood, shuffle upstairs to the Carlsburg bar and score a whore for 100 bucks. But be warned--drink first, and drink a lot! Jeers: High uzko-glazie factor. You can't rape the strippers, no matter how excited they get you. Layout with columns between certain seats and stage means you may not see every snapper. Whores upstairs in Cosmos lobby should be in a circus--or in a nature show. Why do we put dogs and cats to sleep, but not aging whores? Is that fair? Cover: R500 (R450 with an eXile!) M: VDNKh Phone: 234-1060 Address: Prospekt Mira 150 (in the basement of the Kosmos hotel) Hours: 21.00 - 06.00 Spearmint Rhino

Cheers: Cheap-O drinks make up for the fact that it is in the middle of nowhere. Daytime rates rock. Parties pack in zolotaya molodezh. Lots of hot chicks. Disco has best view in Moscow (for a disco, at least). Jeers: Just `cause they're advertisers doesn't mean they can get listed twice. Six lanes. Disco on fifth floor with no elevator. Cover: None (lanes cost 360-780R per hour) M: Novoslobodskaya Phone: 973-3656/4997 Address: Novosushevsky pereulok 6 Hours: 12.00 - 5.00 Magnit

Cheers/Jeers: Parker harkens a new era for R&B! M: Borovitskaya Phone: 203-6008 Address: Starobagnkovky per. 19, str. 2 Hours: noon till the last one out Rock Vegas Cafe

Cheers: Two days' worth of Moscow Times were still wrapped in the newspaper stand on a recent visit. Cheap drinks. Promised free beer for Americans on Mondays... Jeers: ...but failed to deliver on a recent Monday night visit. Should be a magnit for slutty student dyevs too poor to go far from Universitet, but the only girls here were with their flathead-Jr. boyfriends. Cover: None M: Prospekt Vernadskogo Phone: 974-5308 Address: Ul. Udaltsova 42 (but not even area residents know where it is) Hours: 12.00 - 5.00 Manezh

Cheers: Destined to take off some day as the hep new hangout for unpretentious nondisco dorks. Cheap `n tasty food, cheap drinks, live music. Good woodsy, open plan, restaurant in back. Big discounts before 9pm. Jeers: One of our long suffering ad guys was kicked outa here for drunkenness, just because his waitress spilled a mug of beer on him! And, he hadn't even drunk anything. To add insult to injury, they charged him for it. Free beer on Thursday expat night is now sponsored by Flounder's current employer! Hangover from poisoned beer here led to a series of events that resulted in the hobbling of Krazy Kevin. Trying hard for that Boar House crowd but not getting `em to come. Talk about mud flaps these girls got `em.... Has yet to catch on, even though it's been open 4-eva. Cover: None for now M: Tretyakovskaya Phone: 959-5333 Address: Pyatnitskaya 29/8 (by the Pizza Hut) Hours: lots of them Tochka

Cheers: Unpretentious, student-aged gay club. Mix of straights, dykes and TVs. Music ranges from cool techno to Russo-cheese. Cheap drinks Jeers: Supposedly is totally empty. Quality varies from night to night. Cover: 50 - 70 rubles M: Barrikadnaya Phone: 290-4489 Address: Ulitsa Povarskaya 33 Hours: Thursday - Sunday 23.00 - 6.00 Istiander

Cheers: eXile alert! New gyno-chair where "everything goes" is soon to be introduced. Ho-daddy, we don't even wanna know! Sleazy velvet lounge atmosphere. Chicks shake their snappers in your face when you're drinking at the bar. Crazy menu lets you do everything from getting a private lesbian show to firing a staff member. Bitches give you free lap dances... Jeers: ...and if you don't tip they get all whiny with you. Don't let stripper order herself a drink--it could cost 30 bucks. Waitresses often hotter than strippers. Cover: 630R M: Chekhovskaya Phone: 924-8726 Address: Strastnoi bul. 10, str. 2 (thru the alleyway next to Shakespear) Hours: 21.00 - 6.00 Dolls

Cheers: eXile alert! Holy Moly, folks! The eXholes' favorite strip club is back in bid'ness, and they're sporting more bare striped snapper than ever before! More strippers than all the other Moscow strip clubs combined, and more sweaty eXpat businessmen with lapdance change to blow. Features one awesome chick who is a ballerina, but you'll have to guess who that is. Includes chicks with glasses who look like teachers, the youngestlooking 18-year-olds we've seen since Tver, and top-notch service. Also some chick with a Russian accent announces all the blue-light specials on lap-dances, two for one and all that. Jeers: We always go through the wrong arches at least twice before finding the club. Every time we leave here, we feel depressed. God knows how you can bag one of these babes, but we hear it's possible. Cover: R650 M: Smolenskaya Phone: 203-4614 Address: 17 Nikolopeskovsky pereulok (through the arch from Novy Arbat) Sprut

Cheers: Ultraviolet air hockey reminds us of ultraviolet air hockey. Jeers: Hang out for dyevs whose daddies work across Alexsandrovsky Sad. Way too many video games. Management resets the high score on the basketball free-throw game daily. Cover: None (lanes cost up to 600R per hour) M: Okhotny Ryad Phone: 737-8361 Address: Manezhnaya ploshchad 2 (in the underground mall by the Kremlin) Hours: 12.00 - 5.00 Strike

Cheers: Cavernous warehouse-type place that brings in the bands everyone else is afraid of, like Garazhdanskaya Oborona. Don't discriminate against the NatsBols! Lots of room. Not dorkadent. They have a disco thang when concerts aren't scheduled. A recent Thursday night visit had Tochka packed with slutty dyevs, all-too-eager to have expats mack on them. Jeers: Hos try to scam beer off of you in exchange for getting them to leave you alone. Dancing theoretically goes on all night, but the club clears out within five minutes after concerts end. Gets fucking hot in here when they manage to pack it in. Doormen are assholes. Too big for the small and not totally attractive crowd. Cover: 100-200R for concerts M: Ulitsa 1905 goda Phone: 253-4355 Address: Zvenigorodskoye shosse 4 Hours: 19.00 - 6.00 Sixteen Tons

Cheers/Jeers: New men's-only gay club that we were too stupid to find. It's here, it's queer, get used to it! M: Krasniye Vorota Address: Sadovaya-Spasskaya 18 (around the side of the building, look for the door with the domophone) Machoiya

Cheers: It's already 4am and you're feeling unlucky. You regularly fantasize about narcoleptic interludes with drugged-out anorexics. Tasteful leopard-print upholstery. Snideman said to be an «Esteemed Guest» here. Jeers: Recently raided by the police. Supposedly found blow and cash during the raid-- clearly some cop didn't get his weekly helmet scrub na halyava and so he ordered a raid. There's no gong for the bad acts. Nearly impossible to take home the girls ($1,000 is the reported price). Cover: Free for Americans with passports, $50 for all other male nationals M: Ul. 1905 goda Phone: 252-5761 Address: Krasnaya Presnya ulitsa 23B, str. 1 Hours: 13.00 - 6.00 Krasnaya Shapochka

Cheers: eXile Alert! Shrek got his first lap dance ever here! Now reverted back to a regular old strip joint. Longer, nastier lap dances than anywhere in Moscow... and they're free! Well, at lest they were for us. More hookers than strippers! There's a pair of sisters who do an act together. Jeers: Lap dancers don't leave you alone, even after you tip them. No VIP rooms yet, if you know what we mean. Cover: R200 M: Turgenevskaya Phone: 928-03-90 Address: Turgenevskaya pl. 2/4 Hours: 09.00-06.00

Cheers: Short lanes make high scores easy. Watch replays of yourself sinking gutter balls. A fishing video game that lets you use the big snapper lure. Funky disposable socks remind us of visiting Russian abortion clinics! Balls have yet to be chipped and scarred by bowlers immitating Pedro Martinez. Carl won a liter beer mug here for drinking brew through a straw... Jeers: ... and broke it on the sidewalk outside of Lyochik. Snowboarding video game as much fun as owning a chair with wheels. Haven't worked out the kinks in the ball return system. Those arriving without Scooby snacks risk getting torn apart by packs of wild beasts roaming the area parking lots. M: Fili or Kutuzovskaya Phone: 148-7876/7632 Address: Ulitsa 1812 goda Hours: Fuck if we know

Cheers: Invited Higgins to Lezbo thursday night! Far enough away from the center to maintain anonymity. Sculpture in hall caused at least one person we know to question his sexuality. Jeers: Cheap-O sauna may mean they skimp on disinfectants. Waitress refused to mix mors and vodka together because it wasn't on the menu. Fat shirtless barmen. Ikea furniture. M: Mendeleyevskaya Phone: 972-44-30 Address: Novoslobodskaya 46 Hours: 24 Three Monkeys

Cheers: These guys get some of the best groups (local and foreign) in Moscow; hardly an issue goes by when they aren't in the recommendations. Management not adverse to fights outside. Jeers: Club named after the average weight of the devs. Absolutely useless when there isn't live music. Ridiculous English pub downstairs isn't fooling anyone. Cover: Devs: R100 weekdays, R150 weekends; Guys: R150 weekdays, R200 weekends M: Ul. 1905 Phone: 253-5300 Address: Presnenskii Val 6 Hours: 18.00 - 6.00 Woodstock

Live Muzak

B2

d ate Upd

Bowling & More

Apelsin

Cheers: The ladies go here on girls night out to watch buff Russians dance poorly. Jarvis experimented with drinking here once. Shower with a stripper for a modest 1500R. Jeers: A male strip club? Has the whole world gone crazy? Cover: Weekends 150R for dyevs, 700R for dudes (Nazi face control) M: Tverskaya/Pushkinskaya/Chekovskaya Phone: 933-7573 Address: Tverskaya 10 Hours: 19.00 - 6.00 Lexx

Cheers: Hosted the eXile's 100th issue party, and said to never have been hotter. The controversial Kursk Submarine contest in particular got the Russian juices-a-flowin'. Super-hot lapdancing stripper babes mix with kryutiye bandity from the Taganka area to make Lexx a "Sight You Have To See" while in Moscow. If you've got a little bit of charm, and a lot of Peter The Greats, you might even be able to pay one of the girls lots of money to get to know her better. Jeers: Doped-up ravers got pushed out of town for this? Cover: 600R (upstairs) M: Taganskaya Address: Taganskaya ulitsa 2 (on the side of the Torg-Tsentr pyramid monstrosity) Phone: 912-9187 Hours: 9.30 - 6.00 (cafe-bar: 24 hours) Metelitsa

Cheers: Giant neon bowling pin outside approved by the Committee on Revolutionary Architecture. So many activities that you could spend a whole week there without ever repeating the same activity twice! Average prices with steep daytime discounts for eXholes without jobs. Jeers: Lanes as straight as the Village People. Only by aiming for the gutter will you have any chance... it's almost Zen! Evil corporations often rent out the second floor of lanes, leading to an uneven distribution of lanes. Bowling should never be an indicator of middle-class values. Occasional fashion shows downstairs. Foozeball is an ethically questionable proposition. Cover: None M: Krasnopresnenskaya Phone: 253-0253 Address: Malaya Gruzinskaya 15 Hours: 12.00 - 5.00 Bi Ba Bo

Cheers: Haven't been here in a while, but we sure liked the gaggle of babe-o-licious B2 employees we met at McCoy's late on a recent Weds. Cheap, giant venue that kicks butt when it's full. Good live acts and a lot more space than Bunker. Three different restaurants, including reasonably priced sushi, under one roof. Music doesn't impede conversation in the restaurants, but is loud enough to not have to make the effort to think of anything to say. Soon to double in size and include pool tables and a swimming pool! Jeers: Suffering from multiple-personality disorder: you can't be a live music venue and a disco at the same time. Empties out early even on weekends. Cover: 100R M: Mayakovskaya Phone: 209-9918 Address: Bolshaya Sadovaya ul. 8 Hours: depends on the show B.B.King

Cheers: They actually manage to get some decent acts here. Decent, unpretentious student-y crowd comes by for weekend shows. Cheap prices, not as many hippies as the name implies. Everyone uses deodorant.

Cheers: Full service gay entertainment. Strp shows, and also hugely convenient VIP rooms where "anything goes." You pay $20 for a room, and that includes champagne, a fruit plate, and chocoloate... Hot porn on on big screens in the main hail. Quiet bar area to sit and commisserate. Jeers: They don't allow women in here on som e nights, but who needs `em? Cover: Dudes: none; chicks: Mon. - Thurs.: 100R; Fri. - Sat.: 70R 18.00 -21.00, 100R 21.00 - 23.00, 200R after 23.00 M: Paveletskaya Phone: 951-1563; 959-0909 Address: Sadovnicheskaya ulitsa 71, str. 2 Hours: Mon. - Sat. 18.00 - 9.00 Contact Valentina at 151-4688 (fax: 151-4670) to give or receive more info; or by email: [email protected]

Cheers: More quiet, less overcrowded, and better location than the competition. Shoes to fit all sizes, state of the art bowling lanes and the whole range of balls to suit your rolling needs. Good service. Jeers: Fewer lanes than others, so if a crowd comes, you could be outta luck. Cover: None (lanes cost up to 500R per hour) M: Smolensky Phone: 232-9431 Address: Karmanidsky pereulok 9 (across from John Bull in the Metro courtyard) Hours: 12.00 - 5.00 Bow Bol

Cheers: The oldest and arguably the best live blues venue in Moscow, now run by the enigmatic Jay. Live music nightly; Crossroadz plays here weekly, if you are into that sort of thing. Jeers: Has that un-rediscovered feel to it. Pretty empty when there isn't live music. Food is cheap for a reason - the portions are sushi-sized. Cover: None M: Tsvetnoi Bulvar Address: Sadovaya-Samotechnaya 4/2 Phone: 299-8206 Hours: 12.00 - 2.00 Bedniye Lyudi

Cheers: The hos really are all that. They say three but you can jew `em down to two. Reminds you that being a New Russian isn't all work. In a word, the place for whores of the chubby-popping variety. Moscow's best looking. And priciest. Still, if you ever dreamed of getting laid by a model-level babe who will later coldly dump you and make you feel depressed about yourself, and you've got a few Ben Franklins to blow, then this is the place. A Moscow legend. Snideman has done the due diligence on this place, and his legal opinion gives it two stiff legal pads way up. Jeers: Rudnitsky recently dropped a hundred bucks buying a model who turned out to be his boss' GF drinks. Waiter didn't believe Rud. could possibly be important enough to warrent the table he was seated at. Service proof that you can take a mudperson out of the stolovaya, but you can't train him to do his job well. Haggard Harrison Ford factor. Moscow's most expensive `hos--for your money, you're better off going to The Flight. They'll also try to sucker you into buying an overpriced stuffed animal. Often features Russia's cheesiest pop stars holding banquets for thugs. Not much here for the eXpatella. Cover: $25 (ruble equivalent) M: Arbatskaya Address: Novy Arbat 21 Hours: 24 hours

Cheers: Although not new, Bow Bol certainly looks it. State of the art Brunswick equipment, fully computerized, bright interior with candy colors that remind one of "fun," and 8 fancy lanes. The Russians who bowl here are more serious--and talented--than elsewhere. Baltika in the bottle for 20R, 1/2 liter draft for 40R. Jeers: If you ever wondered who buys the cheesy Eurotrash lamps in those Sveta stores, this is who. Candy-pastel purple lampshades with ceiling stems that look like a dismembered paper clip or even that annoying Microsoft Word help character can be distracting. Clientele might be too "solidny" for the average eXhole of Dude Lebwoski-an descent. Wisely ditched the cosmic bowling. Cover: Hourly rates for bowling: weekdays 12.00 - 17.00: 300R, 17.00 - 5.00: 600R; weekends: 12.00 - 14.00: 450R, 14.00 - 5.00: 600R. Hourly rates for pool: 150R-200R M: Belorusskaya Phone: 257-0048 Address: 3-ya Ulitsa Yamskogo polya, dom 2 (down the street from Golden Palace) Hours: 12.00 - 5.00 Casus Conus

Cheers: 1996's choice for expats trying to escape the techno overload. Jeers: It's now 2001. Nicknamed "zhadniye lyudi." No macking factor. Cover: None M: Tretyakovskaya Phone: 951-3342 Address: Bolshaya Ordynka 11/6 Hours: 15.00 - 5.00 Bunker

Cheers: The epic 10th anniversary party has come and gone--if you were lame enough

Cheers: It's a bowling alley even Chubais would love! New, not-so-expensive hourly rates

Cheers: Already defied the cynics by attracting a solid middle-range, non-techno crowd. Awesome super-cheap food deals and drinks. Live music every night. Named after the legendary Moscow punk club. Come early morning for breakfast and U may just get lucky. Jeers: Three hour technichesky pererif means that it is not kruglosutichni. Lame three-room layout in former Turkish nightclub. Cover: Ranges from free to 80R, depending on the night M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 200-1506 Address: Tverskaya 12

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ob McAdoo has been gone a long time, and boy can the Nielsen people tell. According to recent Nielsen surveys, NBA basketball games broadcast on TNT this past weekend scored a 0.00031 share, meaning that roughly one elderly couple, three lesbians, and a gerbil per 10,000 adult viewers in the Buffalo viewing area actually saw any one of the games. With the Sabres out of the playoffs, it looks like Buffalo has turned to Blacks on Blondes porn sites and The Osbournes as its chief source of entertainment. Figures don't lie: Buffalo just isn't a basketball town.

shot. Walker averages about six three-pointers a game, and three of those are usually ill-advised. If there is a dispute in the room as to whether or not the shot was ill-advised, submit the issue to a democratic vote. 2. The Painted Area. Former New York Knicks coach Hubie Brown, now a color commentator for TNT/TBS, refuses to call the three-second zone by its usual name, the paint. Instead, he usually says the painted area, as in, "San Antonio has to start looking down low for Duncan in the painted area," or, "Detroit is settling for too many jump shots. They have to get something done in the painted area." Drink every time Brown uses the

annoying sports commentator in history for nothing. Drink every time Bill Walton screams, "That's terrible! That's a terrible shot!" during the game. Drink twice if he's wearing a tie-dye t-shirt as he says it. 6. Sheed Off. One of the few self-limiting categories of the game. Drink every time the Portland Trailblazers' Rasheed Wallace draws a technical foul. Drink twice if the on-court mic inadvertently captures an obscenity during the outburst. For an interesting alternative version of this game, eliminate all other categories and drink one shot of 80 proof alcohol each time a Trailblazer teammate tries to pull Wallace away

eXile Plays the Masters

In our last installment of eXile chess, we got our bitch-asses checkmated in degrading fashion by an 8 year-old girl from Naberezhniye Chelny. After this unfortunate incident, an emergency meeting was called by the eXile sports desk. It is one thing to lose against players like Maksim Notkin and Alexandra Kosteniuk, both of whom have competed at the higher levels of competition in professional chess. But to lose to a female so young that even Michael Bass wouldn't date her is just shameful. Thus, in shame, the decision was made to return to competing against top adult Russian players who make us look just a little less pathetic when we lose to them. Which brings us to this week's opponent, 36-year old International Master Vasiliy Gagarin. In 1994, Gagarin--not to be confused with Gagarin Square--brought his rating up to 2460--40 points shy of Grandmaster status. He now works for a Russian software company--known as Convector in the West--designing chess software and makes ends meet by coaching children ages 10-18. Gagarin invited us out to his 5th floor apartment near Ryazyanskiy Prospekt metro to play a 10minute game over a couple of Bochkarevs on one condition: that we let him practice his shaky English with us. We agreed to the English, thinking we might be able to plant false chess moves into his mind, but were hesitant at first to drink beer while playing. Eventually we caved, remembering that in the Civil War, alchohol was used as an anasthetic during amputations.

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LETTER FROM BUFFALO:

NBA PLAYOFF DRINKING GAMES

Buffalo is, however, a drinking town, and that's why the BEAST believes basketball still has some local potential. The BEAST's fivemember panel panel of sports scientists has devised a surefire way to make basketball interesting even to hockey fans. Forget the games: the games suck. Just follow the instructions below and you'll agree that NBA basketball on television has the potential to be the best thing to happen to domestic alcohol abuse since Newhart. Here's how it works. Just tune in to any NBA game and drink an entire 12-ounce beer, preferably Saranac or Labatt's Blue, every time any one of the following occurs during a broadcast. We broke the drinking cues down by name: 1. Antoine. This one is simple. Drink every time the Boston Celtics' Antoine Walker throws up an term and speak in a Brooklyn accent for three minutes after each instance. from the referee. Limit fifteen shots per playoff game.

Gagarin reveals to eXile that we were, in fact, planning a trap with this move (13. e4 dxe4 14. fxe4 Ng4!). This is news to eXile. He then reveals that our trap would not have worked. This is also news to the eXile. We start teaching him the words to Sting's song "Russians"; Gagarin doesn't believe that such a song could possibly exist. "Is it a form of Cold War torture?" he asks. 13. Bg3 Bd6 14. Rad1 Bxg3 15. Nxg3 Rfe8 16. e4 dxe4?? 17. fe Ng4 18. Qd2 Nf6 19. e5 Nd5 Gagarin comments: "Their Knight is now condemned." eXile comments: "Whatchoo talkin about, Willis!" 20. Nxd5 Bxd5 21. Bb1 Qd7 22. Nf5 Qd6 23. h3 Nxe5 24. dxe5 Qxe5 25. Rde1 Qc7 26. Qd3 Qb6+ 27. Kh1 Rxe1 28. Rxe1 Qxb2 29. Ne7+ Kf8 30. Nxd5 Rd8 Gagarin comments: "You suck." We ask how he knows this expression. He chuckles. 31. Qh7 f6 Instead of resigning, the eXile decides to draw out

LET'S TAKE IT TO THE BOARD!

White - Gagarin Black - eXile 1. d4 d5 2. c4 e6 3. Nc3 Nf6 4. cxd5... eXile, having only memorized the first three moves of the Queen's Gambit, realizes they are moving rapidly into chess anal rape territory. We start teaching him the words to "Under Pressure." 4. ...exd5 5. Bg5 Bb4 6. Qc2 h6 7. Bh4... Gagarin comments: "I was pretty sure that they were going to play the famous continuation of Kasparov-Tinman in Novgorod, 1995, which goes: 7....c5 8. dxc5 g5 9. g3 Ne4 10. e3 Qa5 11. Ng2 Nc6 12. a3 Bf5 13. Qc1 Nxc5 14. axb4 Nxd3+ 15. Kd2 Qxb4 16. Ra4! Nxc1 17. Rxb4 Kxe2 18. Rxb7 Nxg3 19. hxg5 d4 20. exd4 Nxd4." eXile comments: "Yeah, try saying that in English, Mister Smart Guy!" 7. ...0-0? 8. e3 Be6?? 9. Bd3 c6 10. Nge2 Nbd7 11. 0-0 Rc8 12. f3 Qc7

Karl Malone's mom

3. Mom. Drink once every time a player's overweight mother is interviewed as she sits in the stands watching the game. Drink twice if she has a different last name than the player. Drink three times if she has a different last name than the player and is holding up a sign that says "That's My Boy!" 4. Shaq-Fu. Eliminate this part of the game if you can't hold your booze. Drink every time Shaquille O'Neal misses a free throw. Drink twice if he misses the rim. 5. The Waltons. He doesn't have the reputation as the most

7. Mark. Even the most annoying things in the world can become good things, when mixed with beer. When watching games involving the Dallas Mavericks, drink once every time Mavs owner Mark Cuban is shown cheering in the crowd. Drink twice if he is wearing sunglasses. 8. Mount Mutombo. There is probably no more frustrating sight on an NBA basketball court than watching the Philadelphia 76ers' Dikembe Mutombo try to score underneath the basket (or, as Hubie Brown would say, in the painted area). Drink once every time Mutombo throws an unnecessary up-fake during the game. Limit fifteen drinks per game.

the painful, Danny Pearl-esque execution of their king. 32. Qh8 Kf7 33. Re7X 1-0 And there it is, folks. For the second straight week the eXile chess minds extend their ineptitude all the way to checkmate. Gagarin's postgame commentary: "You don't play so poorly. I mean, I coach 10 yearolds who are a lot better than you, but that's no reason to be ashamed. You're not bad." Not bad? Hey, we'll take the compliments as they come! If anyone thinks they're better than "not bad," go ahead and challenge us to a game of chess. If you dare.

Antoine Walker

ill-advised three-pointer. Drink twice if one of the commentators actually uses the phrase "illadvised three-pointer" when describing the

PAY

BURE, AND U OWN THE eXile!

THI S

Contact the eXile at [email protected] or telephone us at +7 (095) 795-3376, or fax us at +7 (095) 245-1415 And while you're at it, call Bure's agent, Mike Gilles, at +1 (613) 548-4917. If he doesn't answer, leave a message saying, "I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!" After awhile, he'll get the message.

IS N

JOK O

E!

M WE

EA

!! N IT

!

, »! «

Hey, NHL Hockey Players! Are you annoyed that Pavel Bure gets paid 20 times your salary? Is it fair? Does it rile you that weird lawyers claiming to represent Bure are moving to bankrupt the last free newspaper in Russia, if not the world? WELL STOP SHAKING YOUR FIST, AND GET OUT YOUR CHECK BOOK! That's right! If you cover the eXile's 500,000 ruble court-ordered payoff to Bure and save us from being shut down, we promise to: *Name U as the eXile's Permanant Honorary EditorIn-Chief! *Assassinate in print any or all of the people in your life who ever fucked with you, including ex-girlfriends, coaches, and sports journalists! *Praise you to the high heavens! O boy will we ever! *Get you laid by girls so beautiful, you won't ever want to pick up a hockey stick again!

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friends. She sings sad tunes in Portuguese about being an alcoholic, and things of that nature. The songs might not resonate but for the fact that she's almost 60 and, judging by her bloated, blotched face, drinks almost as much as she claims. As our Minister of Information said, she's a "starii blyad." Lee Burridge. Friday, May 31. Papa John's. 00.00 What with XIII closed for the near future, Papa John's is bound to get a whole lot more fashionable! Lee Burridge may well be the first DJ able to define Deep House and Break Beat Bliss ever to enter PJ's cellar of sin, and the verdict is out about just how well the two cultures will mesh. Will the sluts be able to dance without an occasional Rickey Martin hit? Will a raver know what to do when a drunken Lebanese student starts jerking on her pigtails? All the answers and more this Friday, when Hong Kong Lee comes to town! B-Day Party. Saturday, June 1. Kult. 00.00 It's been a whole year since Chinua Achebe heard nature whispering great things in the infant Kult's future, and just about all of them have become true! Kult's going a little wild on its B-day party, bringing out Blood & Fire roots remixes. The music should be good, but don't forget to bring a can of mace to protect yourself from the oodles of stoners that are bound to show up to an event like this, loitering around the sub-ground level entryway smoking paparosi. There'll probably even be the spoiled children of sub-oligarchs out looking for a hand out, trying to pretend they don't have enough pocket change to buy a J. Don't panic if they surround you -- by throwing up pre-cut scraps of paper into the air, you should be able to scatter the urchins long enough to get inside the club. Red Elvises. Friday, May 31. 16 Tons. 23.00 Some of Russia's most talented native sons are catching a wave back to Moscow! In what looks to be a developing annual phenomenon, those zany surfer Red Elvises are heading to the Motherland in a process some Russia watchers have dubbed "reverse-brain-drain." Don't expect high slut turn out `cause they usually keep rocking long after the Metro closes. Besides, students can't afford to get into 16 Tons. Nonetheless, this show is definitely worth checking out. And you can always bring the meat hook to Chameleon afterwards.

T H I S

W EEK E N D

THURSDAY

MA 30 Y R O C K Crematory 23.00: B2 (Live Muzak) Vezhlivy Otkaz 22.00: Sixteen Tons (Live Muzak) Airplane 23.00: Bunker (Live Muzak) Clean Tone 22.30: Woodstock (Live Muzak) D I S C O DJ Sanches and guests 00.00: Propaganda (Watering Holes) DJs Melory 23.00: Virus (Shake It!) Steppin Session (drum'n'bass) Party 21.30: Respublika Beefeater (Watering Holes) DJ Goldstepper 21.30: Respublika Beefeater (Watering Holes) DJ Groove, Novak, Air, Pussy 00.00: Garage (Watering Holes)

23.30: Bunker (Live Muzak) Barleycorn 21.00: Rhythm & Blues (Live Muzak) Nogu Svelo! 23.00: Sport`s Bar (Watering Holes) Inna Zelannaya 23.00: Kitaiski Letchik (Watering Holes) B L U E S Fly`s 22.30: Woodstock (Live Muzak) XL 21.00: Le Club (Watering Holes) D I S C O Summertime Party: DJ Jimmy Van De Velde 23.00: Ministerstvo (Shake It!) DJ Lajdak+Chagin 23.00: Kult (Watering Holes) After Party: DJ Grad 00.00: Garage (Watering Holes) DJ Stanley 23.00: Voodoo Lounge (Watering Holes)

GIT

The hardest working man in show biz.

James Brown. Monday, June 3. Kremlin. 19.00 It ain't often a superstar of Brown's caliber behaves properly, but Brown is absolutely flawless! James Brown's about as good of a live show as you can imagine; even though the last time any of us saw him was right after he got out of jail, we've got no reason to believe that he's lost his touch. Any guy who could do time for getting caught all coked out smashing his wife's car with a crowbar knows the rights and responsibilities of being a star. The man's nearing seventy and still faces perennial sexual harassment suits. Ouch! Even more impressively, in 1999 a woman accused him of holding her hostage for weeks. He really is the Godfather of Soul! Besides, he hates honkeys and refuses to perform when they're polluting

!! UP!!

S A T U R D A Y

JUNE 1 R O C K Touch & Go 23.00: Sixteen Tons (Live Muzak) Agata Christy 23.00: Sport`s Bar (Watering Holes) Jah Division 23.00: Kitaiski Letchik (Watering Holes) Konstantin Nikolsky 23.00: B2 (Live Muzak) Pyotr Podgorodetsky

F R I D A Y

MA 3 1 Y R O C K Red Elvises 23.00: Sixteen Tons (Live Muzak) Mango-Mango

BLOOD&FIRE SOUND SYSTEM, Blood & Fire, Manchester, UK.

åàçáÑêÄÇ èêÖÑìèêÖÜÑÄÖí: äìêÖçàÖ éèÄëçé Ñãü ÇÄòÖÉé áÑéêéÇúü

DJ On Lee ,DJ GoodStuff Starts at 11pm

OUR BIRTHDAY PARTY GUESTS:

(Soliaris, Amsterdam, Netherland) 13 0f June - Cher-ta (Moscow)

20 of June - Zgli Dub

(Tetris Post Pork Production)

of club Kul't

DID YOU MISS US? WE'RE BACK!

Saturday the 1st - SPECIAL PARTY Italian wine presentation

Starts from May 15th - NEW PROGRAM "Happy hour" Daily from 6pm till 8pm 2 drinks & 2 lap dances for the price of one. 30% discount on food menu Every Sunday From 6pm till midnight 2 drinks & 2 lap dances for the price of one. Special parties Daily from 6pm `til 6am

It's time to see what everybody's talking about!

all major credit cards accepted, cash machine.

Novy Arbat (Bolshoi Nikolopeskovsky per. , 17, 203-4614, 203-9607 www.spearmintrhino.com E-mail:[email protected]

15 of June - Our man from Odessa

Live in Cult! 11pm.

6 of June - Marimba Plus (Moscow) 11 of June - Pokemon's

(Tsitadel', Belorussia)

Ceasaria Evora. Thursday -- Friday, May 30 -- 31. Maly Theater. 19.00 Every once in a while Moscow's collective unconscious will grope around and unearth some obscure group and make them the talk of the town. Evora is one of the benefactors of this. The Cape Verde native is suddenly on the lips of everybody in Moscow and should have no problems at all selling out her $50 tickets to slobbering victims, just so they can get bragging rights around their

CLUB «KULT» m. Kitai-Gorod, Taganskaya, ul. Taganskaya, 5. Tel.: 917-5706

the back stage area! This is only his second time to Russia, and that he's agreed to come back at all is something of a shock. His first concert was a flop. Na-Na opened for him and all of Moscow thought the Sex Machine hook was just a bullshit strategy to sell more tickets.

June the 1st - The 1st Anniversary

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W EEK E N D

N E X T

23.30: Bunker (Live Muzak) GG.BG 21.00: Rhythm & Blues (Live Muzak) B L U E S Modern Blues Band 22.00: B. B. King (Live Muzak) Peter Clark 21.00: Le Club (Watering Holes) D I S C O After Party: DJ Grad 05.00: Garage (Watering Holes) DJs Melory & Operator 22.00: Respublika Beefeater (Watering Holes) Blood & Fire Sound System 21.00: Kult (Watering Holes) DJ Rex 00.00: Expat (Watering Holes)

T U E S D A Y

JUNE 4 R O C K Da Butz 23.00: Bunker (Live Muzak) Karina Kozhevnikova 21.00: Rhythm & Blues (Live Muzak) B L U E S Igor Butman 21.00: Le Club (Watering Holes) D I S C O DJs Joker, Ray, Velikaya, Melory & Operator 00.00: Respublika Beefeater (Watering Holes) DJ Fomin 00.00: Garage (Watering Holes) DJ Usef 22.00: Voodoo Lounge (Watering Holes)

23.00: Woodstock (Live Muzak) Jah Division 23.00: Bunker (Live Muzak) Maribma Plus 23.00: Kult (Watering Holes) Nuclear Los 23.00: Sixteen Tons (Live Muzak) B L U E S Blues Hammer Band 22.00: B. B. King (Live Muzak) Andrei Ryabov 21.00: Le Club (Watering Holes) D I S C O DJ Groove, Novak, Air, Pussy 00.00: Garage (Watering Holes) DJs Melory & Operator 21.30: Respublika Beefeater (Watering Holes) DJs Dukhov, Gudok 23.00: Sixteen Tons (Live Muzak)

D I S C O DJ Natarcia Ommen 00.00: Ministerstvo (Shake It!) DJs B Voice, Feel Good, Un-Tonn 00.00: Gertsen (Dorkadence)

S U N D A Y

JUNE 9 R O C K Sedmoi Gorod 22.00: B2 (Live Muzak) Vladimir Ratskevich 23.00: Bunker (Live Muzak) B L U E S Blues Cousins 21.00: Le Club (Watering Holes) D I S C O DJ Soulman 23.00: Kult (Watering Holes) DJ Dukhov 20.00: Sixteen Tons (Live Muzak) DJ Solo 00.00: B2 (Live Muzak)

DRUNK RECORDS REVIEWS

By Flounder, Moscow's Most

Sober eXhole

I'm utterly sober right now. It's awful. I tried going to sleep last night and it was impossible. You get me drunk, I'll pass out anywhere, anytime and sleep like Chandra Levy. But it is not to be today. Kewl? Yeah, if you're a taco-slapping wannabe like Zemfira. I saw the headline a couple weeks back: "Zemfira gives up drinking and smoking!" Big fucking deal! I've been here all night with my arms twitching from not drinking a goddamn thing. Cigarettes only get you so far. It's 5 A.M. right now, and I'm looking out on an empty whore market on the Garden Ring road. I've got the CD player on repeat. No matter how many times I listen to Zemfira's new album, Chetyrnadtsat Nedel' Tishiny, I can't crash. I've tried maybe two dozen times. I don't know if it's just the sobriety speaking, but the album fucking unrelentlessly sucks. When the Sex Machine and I were at last week's Maxidrom Festival, unfortunately we neglected to cut off her head. We had liquor then--we were soft. The reason is Zemfira's muzak. It's awful. The only change from her last, self-titled debut is that she's now pirating clunky Led Zeppelin riffs. Now, as sure as my name's Flounder, no chick band can play a Jimmy Page riff. Zepfira now sings with an annoying bleating-goat thing, like that tuna trawler Corinne Tucker from SleaterKinney, only even worse. Oh, Ted Bundy, you were right! The only positive thing about anything Zemfira-related is the fact that she has gone sober. Sobriety is usually a musician's death knell, so we can expect a couple more progressively shittier albums to come our way in the next couple years as she loses more and more fans, finally mounting a "comeback" tour in 2042, when she'll weigh 350 pounds, and not even be able to sell out Three Monkeys. To the future!

F R I D A Y

JUNE 7 R O C K Moralny Codex 23.00: Sixteen Tons (Live Muzak) Jonny Dowd 23.00: B2 (Live Muzak) W.K? 00.00: Kitaiski Letchik (Watering Holes) Animation 21.00: Rhythm & Blues (Live Muzak) Vladimir Kuzmin 23.00: Sport`s Bar (Watering Holes) Los Chikatillo 23.30: Bunker (Live Muzak) Kradenoe Solnse 22.30: Woodstock (Live Muzak) B L U E S Steam Engine 21.00: B.B. King (Watering Holes) D I S C O DJs Melory & Operator 22.00: Respublika Beefeater (Watering Holes) DJs Teacher, Asya, Grad 02.00: Garage (Watering Holes) DJ Stanley 23.00: Voodoo Lounge (Watering Holes)

M O N D A Y

JUNE 10 B L U E S Bolot Bairashev 23.00: Bunker (Live Muzak) D I S C O DJ Geliker 23.00: Woodstock (Live Muzak) Pokemon 22.00: Kult (Watering Holes) DJ Berg 23.00: Sixteen Tons (Live Muzak) Chill Party 23.00: B2 (Live Muzak)

S U N D A Y

JUNE 2 R O C K Psoi Korolenko 23.00: Kitaiski Letchik (Watering Holes) Shaman Ton 23.00: Bunker (Live Muzak) Kukuruza 23.00: B2 (Live Muzak) D I S C O DJ Goodstuff 23.00: Kult (Watering Holes) Chinatown party 23.00: Propaganda (Watering Holes) DJ Lyonya 00.00: Bunker (Live Muzak) DJ Dukhov 21.30: Sixteen Tons (Live Muzak)

WEDNESDAY

JUNE 5 R O C K Formula 1 21.00: Rhythm & Blues (Live Muzak) Faktyu 23.00: B2 (Live Muzak) Unkle 1 23.00: Kitaiski Letchik (Watering Holes) Pled 23.00: Bunker (Live Muzak) B L U E S Open Jam with Ruby Star 22.00: B. B. King (Live Muzak) Andrei Ryabov 21.00: Le Club (Watering Holes) D I S C O DJs Melory & Operator 22.00: Respublika Beefeater (Watering Holes) DJ Lyonya 00.00: Bunker (Live Muzak) DJ Dli, DJ Jeff 00.00: Garage (Watering Holes)

T U E S D A Y

JUNE 12 R O C K Tochka Rosyu 23.00: Bunker (Live Muzak) L A T I N O Latino Party 23.00: Papa John (Watering Holes) D I S C O DJ On Lee, Chagin 00.00: Propaganda (Watering Holes) DJ Fomin 00.00: Garage (Watering Holes) Chill Party 22.00: B2 (Live Muzak)

S A T U R D A Y

JUNE 8 R O C K Ditmar Bonnen & Aleksei Aigi 23.00: Sixteen Tons (Live Muzak) Moralny Codex 23.00: Sport`s Bar (Watering Holes) Visokosny God 23.00: B2 (Live Muzak) Neschasny Sluchai 23.30: Bunker (Live Muzak) Mother Little Helpers 21.00: Rhythm & Blues (Live Muzak) Desdushki 00.00: Kitaiski Letchik (Watering Holes) B L U E S Aleksei White Belov 21.00: B.B. King (Watering Holes)

M O N D A Y

JUNE 3 R O C K Virgin Tears 21.00: Rhythm & Blues (Live Muzak) Ober-maneken 23.00: Bunker (Live Muzak) D I S C O DJ Zig-Zag 23.00: Respublika Beefeater (Watering Holes) DJ Lyonya 00.00: Bunker (Live Muzak) DJ Dukhov 23.00: Sixteen Tons (Live Muzak)

WEDNESDAY

JUNE 13 D I S C O DJs Melory & Operator 22.00: Respublika Beefeater (Watering Holes) DJ Lyonya 00.00: Bunker (Live Muzak)

THURSDAY

JUNE 6 R O C K Zhuki 23.00: B2 (Live Muzak) Stantsiya Mir

FEATURNING:

LIFE PERFORMANCE by Nickolai Kosinsky SALSA BOYS C

DISCO

SALSA BOYS

MUSI

LOTTERY

DRI NKS

FIREWORKS

B-B-Q

LOTS OF PRESENTS

CABANA'S 5th ANNIVERSARY

EX#142/14-15

5/31/02 13:57

Page 14

29.05.02 13.06.02

www. exile. ru

#10/142 P.14

The Exile: eat your out eat your out the eXile:

Key (for one salad, entree, and one cocktail per person)

$ = UP TO $15.00 · $$ = $15.00 - $30.00 · $$$ = $30.00 - $50.00 · $$$$ = $50.00 -

order them. This place, and it's infuriatingly overenthusiastic, permasmiling wait staff, is seriously hard to take after seeing the movie Office Space. Lunch items (such as Caesar chicken sandwich and Cajun pasta) tend to suck. Groups will find their entrees brought out at different times. Don't bother with the sketchy soups or the turkey reuben. M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 299-2032 Address: Ul. Tverskaya 18 Hours: Noon - midnight crispy, not enough ducky. Can't anyone get duck right here (besides the Tandoor folks)? M: Polyanka Phone: 953-36-34 Address: Polyanka Bol. ul. 27 Hours: 12.00 - last person show, quality fish, caviar and meats; if you've got $47, come here for Sunday's best. Jeers: Nothing much to jeer. M: Belorusskaya Phone: 931-9700 Address: Tverskaya-Yamskaya 1st Ul. 19, Palace Hotel Hours: 12.00 - 01.00 Metropol $$$$ Cheers: Turn of the century elegance in a tasteful setting; best place for tourists and business people to spend a Sunday afternoon; spacious interior allows for private conversation. Jeers: Philipe Chabeaux doesn't like our newspaper, and in fact, neither did one of his customers; the most expensive at $52. M: Ploschad Revolutsii Phone: 927-6061 Address: Teatralny Proyezd 1/4 Radisson-Slavyanskaya $$$ Cheers: Nice open setting in the lobby around a large, elegant fountain; great selection of fish, salads; least expensive brunch option at $35 a head. You can pretend you're the crazy nip in Fargo and say to your brunch partner, "Well, it's a Radisson, so you know it's pretty good." Ann Blundy is leaving Moscow, so you won't have to worry about bumping into her while she piles her plate up and growls at the Russian women. Jeers: Desserts don't taste quite as good as they look. M: Kievskaya Phone: 941-8020 Address: Berezhkovskaya nab. 2, Radisson-Slavjanskaya Hotel Hours: 12.00 - 15.00

Anus, tastes like

African

Bungalo Bar $-$$ Cheers: Like "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble," the "firmenoye blyudo" will make you "cream in your jeans." Gobs of super-spicy flavor, generous portions, terrific selection (including plenty of veggie options), and all at dirt-cheap eXholable prices. Terrific coffee that comes from the country that may or may not have invented it. Ceiling tapestries depict children attempting to swallow own fists. Authentic rich Ethiopian coffee. Jeers: Unfortunately, the `ritas usually take forever to prepare--better to order a beer as well to drink while you wait. Pina Colada served in a beaker. Hot water in bathroom consistently surprises handwashers with third-degree burns. Expensive bad wine by the glass. If you order the "firmennoye blyudo" expecting the Ethiopian sampler, you might get one of their awful other "firmenniye blyadi," one a horrible seafood-maynaisse-corn salad, the other a chunk of rubbery meat. Make sure you specify! Just the kind of place (cheap, exotically ethnic, seemingly progressive) to attract lots of Lonely Planet fuckheads with pasty, smelly beards and fat-ankled "partners." M: Kurskaya Phone: 916-2432 Address: Zemlyanoi val 6 Hours: noon - midnight Limpopo $$$$ Cheers: Moe Snideman and his teenaged date gave it two spears up for the tasty ostrich and yummie crocodile shashlik. Take revenge on annoying Greenpeace hippies by gorging on such endangered delicacies as impala meat--it tastes best raw. Great tacky interior will impress your dates. Overall, a quality choice. Jeers: Expensive. Snideman nearly initiated litigation when the waiter gave his date a cocktail with a stirrer in the shape of a dinosaur; when his date complained that she wanted an African animal, the waiter insisted that the brontosaur-shaped stirrer was in fact a giraffe. Only after heated debate and cross-examining was the matter resolved to Moe's satisfaction, as the wait staff brought out a giraffe-shaped stirrer for his teenage date and obsequiously apologized. M: Kuznetsky Most Phone: 925-6990 Address: Varsonofyesky per. 1 (or Rozhdestvenka 12/1) Hours: noon - midnight

see--the non-alcoholic fruit smoothie "Uncle Tom." Jeers: Not particularly worth a trip if you don't live nearby. Grim waitresses. No diet soda. M: Savyolovskaya, Pushkinskaya, and more! Phone: 285-9664 Address: Butyrskaya Ul. 8, Gnzdnikovski Pr. 12 Hours: 12.00 - 23.00 Mama Zoya $ Cheers: The old favorite has moved once again, thus at least foiling a few beigist expats in their quest for reheated Georgian mediocrity. Jeers: Despite all evidence to the contrary, most remaining expats still seem to believe this to be the only Georgian restaurant in town. Remember folks: being a cheapskate is no excuse for having bad taste. We continue to steer well clear of this place and its seething bands of Lonely-Planet-toting beigist militants, preferring the superior offerings elsewhere in town. Get there after 9 and you might not get in. Counterfeit wine still sucks; furthermore, there's no longer any excuse for it. M: Kropotkinskaya Phone: 201-7743 Address: Sechenovsky per. 8 Hours: 12.00 - 11.00 Ne Goroi $$ Cheers: Could be Moscow's best Georgian restaurant that isn't Dioscurious, we poo-poo you not. Great kharcho, red lobio, khachapuri, eggplant. Seedy old Soviet atmosphere. Attentive service. Jeers: Located annoying far out, across from American Express. M: Sportivnaya Phone: 245-6670 Address: Ul. 10 Let Oktyabrya d. 11 Hours: 12.00 - 11.00 Noev Kovcheg $$ Cheers: American citizens still get 25% discount, but Canadians (they make you show a passport, so no sneaking by, you hosers), Brits, and, well, everyone else in the world has to pay full price! Yippee! New dishes included kufta ("whipped beef" meatballs) and half a dozen varieties of sig fish shipped in special. Eggplant, lobio, and cheese appetizers still rule; literally dozens of shashlik varieties, which now come on animal-identifier sticks for ease of reference. 30% off takeout menu includes a whole suckling pig. Best selection of authentic Armenian brandies around. Jeers: Noah's Ark is kind of a lame name for a restaurant. They played the same cheesy pop song 17 times in a row last time we were there. M: Kitai-Gorod Phone: 917-0717 Address: Maly Ivanovsky per. 9 Hours: 12.00 - 24.00ktyabrya d. 11 d ate Semiramis Upd $$$$ Cheers: eXile alert! When you tip well, the monkeys who work there run to open your car door for you. Oligarchs, and Moe Snideman, frequent this Ossetian restaurant, one of Moscow's undiscovered treasures. The best shashlyk in Moscow, and possibly the world. Top-notch dolma. Superior service. Have an Oriental room in the back with hookahs. Very Mercedes Jeep and body-guard friendly. Jeers: We can't afford it. M: Arbatskaya Phone: 244-7262 Address: B. Nikolopeskovskii Per. d 15 Hours: 12.00 - 24.00 Suliko $$$ Cheers: Still the best Georgian food in Moscow, as per Moe Snideman's recent testimonial under oath. Great lobio, pkhali, khachapuri. Jeers: Paying this much for food only marginally better than Dioscurious means Suliko isn't on our Val-U list. Main courses mediocre. M: Polyanka Phone: 238-2586 Address: Bolshaya Polyanka 42/2 Hours: 12.00 - 24.00 (or last person) U Pirosmani $$$$ Cheers: Was a favorite for tourists; window-side views of the illuminated Novodevichy Convent, tasteful interior and seemingly authentic ethnic violinist. All dishes reasonably yummy. Prices reem guide book toting tourists. Jeers: eXile's editorial staff fucked a whore from here. Ew, that's gross! Don't come here for the food; Bill Clinton wrote a glowing review, and offered the waitress an internship in return... M: Sportivnaya Phone: 247-1926 Address: 4 Novodevichy Proyezd Hours: 12.00 - 23.00

Balkan

011 $$$ Cheers: The Dalmatian Coast may still be a bit unsafe, so head to this Yugoslav restaurant for a taste! Good place for large parties or small dates. Fish dishes rule. Dark, candle-lit interior gives you that air of Serbian intrigue. Jeers: War-mongering "Third Way" Brits and "I used to be a liberal" Americans may want to avoid coming here if they want to maintain their image of tough-love humanitarians. Taibbi owns a Dalmatian. M: Mayakovskaya Phone: 209-0963 Address: Sadovaya Triumfalnaya 10 Hours: 10.00 - 22.00 BoEmi $$ Cheers: Tasty Serbian joint with a homey atmosphere that even a fully fledged NATO member should be able to appreciate. Outstanding hearty bean soup. Deliciously salty bacon, yummy homemade sausages... in other words, a good place to visit if you're in the mood for some serious meat action. Jeers: But if you're not... Eating here more than once a week could be hazardous to your regularity. Why do you think those Balkan types are always fighting so much? Rudnitsky wasn't overly impressed with the cabbage salad. A bit of a hike from the center... and from the nearest metro. M: Sportivnaya Phone: 248-5317 Address: Abrikosovsky per., 1 Hours: 11.00 - 23.00 d ate Drago Upd $ - $$ Cheers: Food still kicks major Kosovar butt at prices Macedonians appreciate. Chevabchi. Try the minced meat sausages (240R), as well as wonderful soups and wines. One of central Moscow's best lunch specials: for 150R you get salad, soup, main course, dessert and drink, all of which were good quality. Jeers: Service was a bit surly last time we were there--hey, we thought that Serbs had joined the "Family of Nations". What the heck's up with that? Made Ames take off his Yankees baseball cap. We listed Drago under Club XIII's address since the Kosovo debacle, likely making hundreds of Americans blame their failure to get past face control on unrepentent Serbian Tigers. Mix-grill lacks mojo--had way too little meat for R370, and nothing was bleeding. Rumors that Milosevic's son tried to set up a perfume store in the garderob here. M: Tverskaya Phone: 209-3971 Address: Bolshaya Dmitrovka 32 Hours: 12:00 - 24:00 Mehana Bansko $$ Cheers: R200 Biznis lunch the bee's knees! Three HUGE courses and a selection of dishes for each course. Cheap-O Bulgarian wines Mavrud `82 and Merlot `82 (~$40) ain't like those fakes you get in the store. Try the chushka bereg--red pepper stuffed with real cheese that our own Dima swears by! Pork marinated in vodka and soy a hit with Ruskies and slavophiles alike. Waitresses actually have an opinion about the food! Fantastic meat dishes. Best sausages in town. Shopsky salad a solid starter. Features amusing spectacle of Russians pretending to be proud to represent Bulgaria. They suggest a wine to go with your dinner if you're too dense to decide for yourself. A Western reporter can dine here with a woman who is not his wife. Jeers: Massive biznis lunch guarenteed to make you waste valuable time on the toilet and is especially problematic in our new office, where cute Ne Spat secretary Marina has a ring-side seat of the WC. Perhaps the worst--and loudest--live musical act in any Moscow restaurant. Why can't they let you eat in peace in this town? Atrocious service; order beverages a half-hour in advance if you need them. Undrinkable cappucino. More expensive than you'd think. Philip Kirkorov said to be connected to the ownership. M: Smolenskaya Phone: 244-7387 Address: Smolenskaya 9/1 Hours:12.00-24.00 Fri & Sat till 02.00

Asian

Baan Thai $$-$$$ Cheers: eXile general counsel Moe Snideman recently gave this place two briefcases up. Hot new Thai joint from the Asian-food wizards that brought you the legendary Darbar and Five Spice. Tasty assorted satay with yummy peanut sauce; super-spicy noodle soups in various renderings; spicy duck curry that had Lionel on his feet cheering. Excellent service, wood-heavy back room is regally luxurious, Singhs Gold beer for just $3. Staff convincingly pretended to admire Krazy Kevin's and Taibbi's absurd white hairdos. Jeers: Mr. Snideman, Esq., did complain about the failure to lay out the rice first before the entrees, which he referred to as "potentially actionable." They were out of Rambutan when we were there. Dimly lit Euro-trashy front room is pretty cheesy looking. M: Kievskaya Phone: 240-0597 Address: Bolshaya Dorogomilovskaya, 11 Hours: 12:00 - 24.00 Bangkok $$$ Cheers: Moscow's original Thai eatery. Cool interior and a decent prawn satay with smokin' peanut sauce; very few grammatical errors on the English menu. Plekhanov Institute students hang out in the downstairs bar and drink away the schoolday. Jeers: Seems the Thai head chef has long since departed for greener pastures, leaving his barely trained Russian counterpart to muddle along in overpriced bogusville. With the right mix of customers, the place can seem downright airport lounge-ish. Surprise... a live band that sucks! M: Dobryninskaya Phone: 237-3074 Address: Bolshoi Strochenovsky per. 10 Hours: 14:00 - 23:00 (until 1:00 on weekends) Emerald Buddha $$$ Cheers: Good appetizers; the spicy peanut sauce in particular has got game. Singha gold beer; impressive interior, including a saltwater tank with a bitchin' clown fish. That wacky osmosis coffee contraption that reminds of a John Carpenter movie--and it makes a pretty good cup of coffee. Jeers: eXile alert! eXile General Counsel Moe Snideman graced the Buddha and reportedly nearly caned the chef for mediocre food, and did succeed in bringing the waitress to tears over the "ridiculously high prices." Just one more reminder that you don't fuck with Moe's wallet, folks. Spotty entrees and salads. Lame Euro-desserts. The phad Thai still look funny. M: Chistye Prudy Phone: 925-9482 Address: 1 Ulitsa Sretenka (entry from Rozhdestvensky Bulvar) Hours: noon - midnight Karma Bar $$ Cheers: After dinner, you don't have to decide where to head. Eclectic Southeast Asian menu at Val-U prices. Try the superb Tibetan dumplings, decent Vietnamese vegetable spring rolls, sweet `n sour pork, Bhutan chicken (for those who don't like it too spicy). Good selection of Vietnamese noodle dishs, Thai. Dining room viewing of the talent, where dyevs outnumber guys pretty handily. We'll be back for more! Just one more reason to spend at least one weekend night here! Jeers: Waitresses overly concerned about pillow case theft. Shrek's girlfriend scored a khalyava meal here before dumping him. Main courses slightly less tasty than appetizers. Service can be slow for parties of 20+. M: Kuznetsky Most Phone: 924-5633 Address: Pushchnaya ul. 3 Hours: 19.00 - 06.00 Krymsky $ Cheers: Ignore the name, this place claims to be Korean and Japanese food. The spare rib dish (R250) is fun to eat and pretty tasty when smeared with plum sauce. Golden lampposts inside remind us of St. Peter's in Rome. Jeers: More proof that being close to our office doesn't necessarily make a place good. Starving North Koreans would rather eat grass than the six salads that come free with many dishes. Take the spice out of Korean food and you're stuck with something awfully close to Russian food: lots of pickled shit. Offers choice of Japanese and European business lunches (R150). Waitress doesn't speak Russian. Pibim pap (R300) tastes like Pimbim Papsmear. They give you used wooden chopsticks. M: Park Kultury Phone: 246-85-38/-42-26 Address: Komsomolsky pr. 1 Hours: 12.00 - 24.00 Tibet Himalaya $$ Cheers: She-Baklay still first-rate appetizer; waitesses the very picture of grace and politeness. Try the Momo dumplings and ask for the spicy (we mean SPICY) sauce, Nomad soup, any of the pork entrees, but especially the egg-fried noodles. Make sure you order the Eggplant with spicy garlic sauce, which is still a winner. A great place for a date. Jeers: First Tibetan tea in the city to be steeped for 5 minutes in vagina. Soy noodles with veggies have even less flavor than we expected! Most recent visit for business lunch was kind of a bummer. Mellow-inducing atmosphere may kill your desire to follow up with an all-night debauch. Some of the meat dishes are said to have slipped. M: Chistiye Prudy Phone: 917-3985 Address: Pokrovka 19 Hours: noon - midnight Tibet Kitchen $$ Cheers: We don't have enough superlatives for this place! Everything is right on. The best Asian food place in town. Garlic noodles give you a boner. And, they are good for filling your date up so that she won't order more. Veggie or chicken spring rolls and Sha-Baklay rock, as does the the sweetand-sour chicken. Pleasant atmosphere, good service, no loud music, inoffensive orange walls. Kalmyk babe waitress factor steadily rising. Jeers: Many entrees hard to differentiate -- just like Chinese people. AllKundun, all-the-time video show makes you embarrassed for Martin Scorcese. British people often spotted here. Creepy junkies hang out in stairwell upstairs. M: Okhotny Ryad Phone: 923-2422, 961-3441 Address: Kamergersky per. 5/6 Hours: noon - 23.00 !!! Tofu NEW $ Cheers: New Chinese option for those who don't want to pay butt loads for shitty food. Now you can pay kopeks for food that's just as bad as the competition! Gave us a round of tasty homemade ginger nastoika on the house when our first course took 40 minutes to arrive. We could see a dining dyev's underwear during the entire wait! Jeers: Service sucks dog dick. They make even the meat dishes taste like tofu--not a single dish merits mentioning. Didn't have sticky rice. "Vostochnyi salat" is tomatos, dill and cukes. Had to send our bloody maries back 3 times for more umph, and they still tasted like J7. M: Tverskaya Phone: 299-3073 Address: ul. Malaya Dmitrovka 2/4 Hours: 11.00 - 23.00 Zholtoe More $$$ Cheers: Tasteful upscale Asian interior, top-notch service, lots of Asiantypes on the staff to make it feel authentic. Marat Safin recently seen here with a serious babe in tow. Three separate chefs serve Sushi, Chinese and Japanese food, as well as extensive cocktail selections, the likes of which you'll rarely see. Moscow's best California rolls. Unusual rolls like "Tokusima Roll", salmon, eel, crab with seaweed and vegetables (350R) and a hot marinated tuna roll. Chinese is of the respectable-quality, mildly-spiced variety. Excellent King's Prawns with black Chinese mushrooms in Oyster Sauce (780R), Szechuan Chicken (600R). Waiters serve tea from a super-long spigot. Impresses dates. Jeers: Too pricey for cheap-O eXholes. Name sounds like "zhopoe more" to us, though that should be a "cheer". Chinese fare too mildly spiced for those of us used to the real thang. Crispy Duck mu-shu style (470R) was too

Caucasian

Dioscuria $ Cheers: Those "recent reports" about the decline in quality here have been vastly overstated. Two visits in the past two weeks here have shown the basics all back at usual high quality. Summer patio means you can escape the live music! Stick with the basics--lobio, eggplant roulette and dolma--and you can't go wrong. Ruble prices unaffected by global energy trends, making Dioscarius one of the greatest bargains around! Almost as cheap as Guriya, but quality closer to Suliko. One taste of their sturgeon shashlyk or Adzharian khachapuri (with a fried egg in the middle) and you'll be hooked. The delicious lavash bread comes piping hot and is perfect for sopping up leftover juices. Jeers: Loud drunk bilingual Russians can inhibit conversation. Khachapuri too cheesy, lacking integrity. Impossible not to over-order. Still has deafening live music sung on weekend evenings. Menu doesn't quite have all the favorites; sometimes the backroom mafia feel is a bit too realistic; building looks like the kind of place your inbred cousin Jethro would live in. M: Arbatsksya Phone: 291-3759 Address: Nikitski Bulvar dom 5, str. 1 (through the post office arch off Novy Arbat) Hours: 11.00 - 23.00 Genatsvale $ Cheers: Green lobio (50R) as good as it gets; large clay pot of piping hot red lobio (35R) is one of Moscow's single best deals. Order the super-delish khachipuri (140R), rich kharcho (50R) and Moscow's best khinkali. Also serves a massive variety of lamb and pork dishes, including ribs, knuckle, shashliki, and things we've never heard of. Real borjomi, Georgian wines, if you're willing to pay. Jeers: eXile alert! Quality has gone down as popularity has gone up. Where have we seen this before? Oh yeah, EVERYWHERE! Monster PA speakers blast at night; to avoid it, you have to sit at dwarf tables in the back. Expect tables packed with black-clad Georgians giving 10-minute toasts in which all guests have to stand with tired arms holding up shaky glasses of vodka. M: Kropotkinskaya Phone: 202-0445 Address: Ostozhenko 12/1 Hours: 11.00 - midnite Guriya $ Cheers: Along with its sister-restaurant, Mama Zoya, this is the cheapest-- and hence, most popular--Georgian food in Moscow. Popular with expats and backpackers. Eggplant and khachapuri are musts. Jeers: They made us look bad when we reported a false rumor that they'd burned down. Very small portions. Discus-sized khachapuri. You have to drink the counterfeit Georgian wine and pretend you like it; long waits with other expats can be embarrassing. It's like so '93, ya know? M: Park Kultury Phone: 246-0378 Address: Komsomolsky Prospect 7/3 Hours: 7.00 - 11.00... noon - 14:30... 17:30 - 22:30 Khizhina $ Cheers: Khichiny rule. They're like khachapuri, only with potato. Do these guys have a diverse culture, or what? This place is looking to become the first Georgian McDonald's. Now in addition to the original, Khizhina's manager has bought out and renamed Russki Dom Pivo and Sedlo, too! Those crazy Georgians. Yummy meat pies, adzhapsandal, and suluguni options go well with the genuine Georgian wine straight from the barrel. Uncle Tom's Cabin atmosphere makes for the most amusingly named house cocktail we've yet to

American

American Bar & Grill $$ Cheers: eXile alert! Nachos have improved! Huge chicken-fried steak plate will hit the spot if you're in exactly the right kind of filthy mood. Gazpacho is back and it ain't half bad. The biz lunch specials at Taganka offer massive sandwich-salad-drink deals for $5.50! Try the quesadilla. Quality menu, big portions, and terrific outdoor dining at Taganskaya. Veggie fajitas are a good Val-U. Respectable non-Italian pasta. Jeers: eXile alert! Forcing your waitress to repeat the word ostriy back to you five times will not ensure a spicy bloody mary. Food acquiring a kind of Ohio truck stop quality at nouvelle cuisine prices. Stay away from the buffalowings--more like buffalo chips. Philly cheese steak should be renamed the Philly jiz steak. You'll have to shave twice before you get your drink. Can be expensive for what you get. Biz lunch service can be slow, but it's improved. Meat dishes at biz lunch can bite. M: Mayakovskaya; Taganskaya Phone: 251-7999; 912-3615 Address: 1st Tverskaya-Yamskaya 2/1; Zemlyanoi val 59. Hours: 24 hours; 12:00 - 3:00

$ Cheers: Belorusskaya location long ago turned into the slut-heavy Dirty Dancing. We've recently warmed up to their chicken club sandwiches-- they're pretty bonus, eh. The Canadian branch of a US fast-food chain brings you a serviceable version of everyone's favorite Hebrew leavened bread product. Two dozen varieties to choose from, plus various sorts of allegedly good cream cheese. We like the spicy one with tomato sauce and jalapenos. One of those black-clad hostesses is hot! Now they have on in Domodyedovo! Jeers: Can't smoke upstairs--and if you do, some nabob is bound to bust you. Taibbi got stood up by an NTV reporter here--and he had to wake up from a major-league hangover just to get there. M: Mayakovskaya Phone: 299-9602, 299-9702 Address: Tverskaya 27 Hours: 10.00 - 22.00 Pit Stop $$$ Cheers: Jalapeno peppers dish rocks! They finally replaced the leaky vagina ketchup with good ol' Heinz! The "Gol-Mostovoi" sandwich is fast becoming an eXile favorite. Service has been steadily improving. They keep the beer coming and don't mind if you're inappropriately drunk. In fact, they seem to like it. Eminently edible fish-and-chips, burgers, potato wedges, and other TV-friendly munchies. Burger served with fried egg both original and perversely satisfying. Jeers: Yankee Hotdog yanked from the menu, in spite of post-9/11 resurgence in patriotism. Waitresses sometimes confuse "puree" with baked potatoes. Soccer, soccer, soccer. That's not Pete Rose's real jersey. If women get to have their own female security guards to search their handbags, how come Detsky Panadoll lead singer Marc Schleifer doesn't have the right to be searched by a Jew? Service tends to be inexplicably slow. We know a woman who was forced to open her tampon case by the upstairs security guards--as though she might have a weapon inside. M: Arbatskaya Phone: 291-1130/70 Address: Novii Arbat 21 (inside Sportland) Hours: 24 hours d ate Upd Starlite Diner $$ Cheers: eXile alert! Because Starlite continues to be the ONLY place in Moscow that really knows breakfast, we've gotten rid of the failed "Breakfast" section in our guide and we'll tell you right here: FOR BREAKFAST, THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE TO THE DINER. See-ree-us-lee. Mongolicious omelets that even tames the violent temper of Morris J. Snideman, Esq. Stomach-expanding breakfast burritos and massive vodka-soaking pancakes make for good alternatives. New sandwiches put the `take' in shitake! Recent tasting of the Asian Chicken burger proved that healthy can be tasty. They make a mean lasagna now. Four Mozzarella sticks for 6 bucks may seem steep, but they sure are tasty. Gong Pao Chicken pasta comes with garlic bread. Try the new Beef Teriyaki Salad! We also like the Asian Chicken salad, though it's small. Expand-O breakfast menu rules (see under "Breakfast"). Phuket wrap a reliable new standard, despite unexciting potato salad garnish. Thai wraps rap with game at 8 bucks a pop, while popular burrito and sweet `n sour pork plates (around 10 bucks) are now mainstays. We can't lie: we're here at least twice a week. Moscow's top 24-hour eatery. Rippin' Turkey Reuben, club. They're serving breakfast later on the weekends now. Jeers: All the cute waitresses have long since married American businessmen, leaving only the dregs to serve us po' folk. That onion blossom may taste good, but it sits bad. The French Onion soup is just plain bad. Milk shake portions seem to be shrinking. You used to get two full glasses, but now... Gong Pao chicken pasta overcooked. Chicken content in Phuket wrap appears to have sharply decreased. Expat Hades. Too many children whose parents love them. M: Diner 1: Mayakovskaya Diner 2: Oktyabrskaya Phone: #1: 290 - 9638; #2: 959-8919 Address: #1: Sadovaya Bolshaya ul. 16; #2: Ul Korovy val. 9 Hours: 24 hours d ate T.G.I. Friday's Upd $$ Cheers: You can degrade the wait staff even further by telling the manager that your waitress "wowed" you. The manager will force them to wear another pin that says "wow." Good place to bring a date you don't know where to bring. Waitresses chat you up in English so much, you'll feel like a vacationing porn star. That Chicken Caesar salad is a great deal and will hit the spot at times. Moe approves of the "Sicilian Sandwich" lunch deal. $10 Filet Mignon among the best deals in town. Raucous milkshakes for three bucks. Business lunch deals (every fifth one free) and the $9 soup-salad-sandwich made even our general counsel roar with approval. Those nachos are a stoner's dream. Good-ass margaritas... Jeers: ...which come in glasses longer than the straw. Tried to jew Rudnitsky out of a strawberry with his margarita. They recently gave us about a dozen french fries with our burger for lunch. When we called the manager over she said it was right. "Sto gram, da," she said. "Sto gram french fries?" we asked. "Da, nu chto?'' Maybe should be called Thank God It's Sovkovo. High "Greatest Love of All" factor. The problems with the pasta dishes may not amount to a hill of beans in this world, but that doesn't mean you should

Brunch

Baltschug $$$ Cheers: The schmooze-central corporate brunch option; this is where expense accounts and government aid packages are blown; good chefs, German efficiency. Good smoked fish, hot veal, spaghetti bar.Their "Linner" ad campaign in the Moscow Times was jeered as sexist on the Expat List. We originally had that listed as a jeer, but we've realized our mistake. Jeers: Detsky Panadoll's Marc Schleifer, along with his ex-girlfriend and her parents, were struck on the sidewalk by a drunk driver outside this place. M: Tretyakovskaya Phone: 230-6500 Address: Baltschug Hotel, 1 Ulitsa Baltschuga Hours: 8.00 - late Lomonosov $$$ Cheers: Moscow's most delicious brunch option: tasteful music and stage

Chinese

Chinese Village (in Tandoor) $$$ Cheers: The only Chinese food prepared by a Bangladeshi trained in Hong Kong on Tverskaya! And if that isn't enough, it's pretty darned tasty, too. Try the Chili Bean King Prawns (R540) or the Crispy Aromatic Duck (1/4 for R480) if you don't like that spicy thang--Moscow's best duck. Just about every-

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Cook's Corner!

thing is decent, but you might feel like you're paying too much if you order the wrong dish. Business lunch for R300 intrigues us. Jeers: They charge for those dyed pork-rind chips. Can't get a seperate license from Tandoor, and so it will be forever known as Chinese Village, which sounds to us like some upper-Midwestern rendezvous for middle-aged fags. Man-Chau soup (R240) means "shweaty balls" in Chinese, and they sure do mean it. M: Mayakovskaya Phone: 299-45-93; 209-55-65 Address: Tverskaya ul. 30/2 Hours: 12.00 - 00.00 Dim-Sum $$$ Cheers: The Chinese dumplings which lend the restaurant its name are extremely passable, especially those with the clear rice wrapping. Jeers: A visit here forced Rudnitsky into yet another rant about inability of Moscow Chinese restaurants to make dishes which differ from one another in taste. Perhaps this is what eating Soylent Green all of the time was like. M: Smolenskaya Phone: 937-8425 Address: 3 Smolensky Sq. (in Smolensky Passazh) Hours: 12.00 - 24.00 Drevny Kitai $$ Cheers: Don't charge extra for breaking glasses. Teapoured from a very very long spout for free. Not bad sweet and sour pork. Jeers: Recent business lunch caused Ames to exhibit clap-like symptoms, including fried chicken pieces that tasted like possum ankles. Big portions of lukewarm shite. All meat dishes fashioned out of reprocessed chicken heels. M: Okhotny Ryad Phone: 292-2900 Address: Kamergersky per. 5/6 Hours: 12.00 - 23.00 Five Spice $$$ Cheers: We've said it before and we'll say it again: the best Business lunch deal in town. Moe Snideman gives them two legal pads way up for exhibiting "superb service with perfect memories." Also, they deliver. When these guys say they'll make it spicy, call the fire dept. Re-thumb-up on the spring rolls. Their $10 lunch special is one of Moscow's very best. Choose from Vegetarian or Meat, and receive soup, massive portions of egg fried rice and rich, delicious Chinese cuisine. For starters, try the honey glazed pork; for entrees, the King Prawns in Hot Garlic Sauce rule the local prawn kingdom, while any spicy chicken dish is a good alternative. Offers various szechuan tofu and veggie dishes. Jeers: Steep 2nd floor stairwell could spell trouble for people with vertigo; hot `n sour soup too heavy on the soya. Prices may be just out of range for some eXholes. M: Kropotkinskaya Phone: 203-1283 Address: Svitsav Vrazhek 3/18 Hours: 12.00 - 24.00 Khram Drakona $$$ Cheers: Wild and crazy decorations include, but are not limited to, lifesized carved dragon heads, oversized carp swimming underfoot, ducks with their wings clipped Chinese style and lots of fountains. Quality Georgian wines. Jeers: Entrees are virtually indistinguishable from each other. This sophisticated play on European perceptions of Chinese culture makes for a lousy meal. Kikkoman soy sauce bottles actually contain generic sweet soy sauce. Egg-fried rice had the consistancy of an omelet. Didn't let us sample the 100-year-old cognac on display. M: Leninsky Prospekt Phone: 958-0707 Address: Leninsky Prospekt, 37 Hours: 11.00 - 24.00 Ki Ka Ku $$$$ Cheers: High-quality, surprisingly spicy Chinese place with a maxed-out interior (including live ducks) that shows what decadence is supposed to look like. Try the massive portioned entrees like chicken in black bean sauce or the all-you-can-eat buffet (which includes desserts). Also has excellent sushi and (as yet untried) dim sum. Kids under 10 accompanied by an adult eat free! Jeers: Too bad we hate kids. The price is the only real obstacle; buffet is $50 a head (even the 50% off during lunch hours price seems pretty steep); sushi is also pricey. Large proportion of families inside is disappointing after seeing all the Mercs lined up outside. M: Dinamo Phone: unknown Address: Begovaya 28 Hours: 12.00 - 24.00

Shyolk $ Cheers: The "Fire Bowl" pork in spicy tomato sauce (R461) enough to make you sweat, at least if you're Jewish... definitely deserves two chop sticks up, way up. Killer babes sometimes eat here. Some awfully taste noodle dishes for about 10 bucks. You can't go wrong with the chicken fingers either. Subject of Schwartz's first ever eXile review. Three types of bottled slant beer. Jeers: The stray dog problem around Belorusky Voksal mysteriously evaporated soon after Shyolk opened. Soups utilize leaky vagina technology favored by area coffee shops. Business lunch as big as it is bad. M: Belorusskaya Phone: 251-41-34; 250-53-89 Address: 1-aya Tverskaya Yamskaya 29, str. 1 Hours: 11.00 - 05.00 !!! Utka po-Pekinsky NEW $$ Cheers/Jeers: Schwartz M: Smolenskaya Phone: 291-3983 Address: Novyi Arbat 21, str. 1 (In the back right of the Chinese supermarket) Hours: 12.00 - 22.00

Address: Ul. Bolshaya Polyanka 54 Hours: 11.30 - 6.00 El Dorado $$$ Cheers: Former State Prosecutor General Yuri Skuratov was videotaped boning two teenaged whores in an apartment right under the great El Dorado sign! This is sort of the City Grill for super-krutoi flatheads, the place where famous and pseudo-famous Russians go to be seen. There's a smaller cafe that's always packed with models, molls and coked-up contract killers. The restaurant's membership-only, featuring heads so flat and babes so babed that you actually feel like an untermensch. Jeers: Ridiculous light show makes you think you're at a confused Laserium playing Pugacheva instead of Floyd. Also, the cheesy waterfall with the tiled butterflies stopped working. Is your head flat? No? Then poka, Mr. Foreigner! M: Borovitskaya Phone: 238-9154 Address: Bolshaya Polyanka Ul. 1/3 Hours: 11:30 - 23:30 Embassy Club $$-$$$ Cheers: Big ol' walk-in humidor full of Cubans would be enough to make most downsized Silicon Alley yuppies cum in their pants. Leather couches do not put you at risk of Foot and Mouth Disease. Neither do the steaks, which rated a "pretty fine" from our own Dan Higgins. Great ventilation means you don't have to die of second hand smoke. Good selection of single malts and tasty desserts. Proves that calling the management gay is the best way to achieve results. Big portions. Jeers: Stay away from the artificially thickened mushroom soup. The fettuccini alfredo is only slightly better than felching a cheap whore. The bread was stale during a recent late dinner. M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 229-7185 Address: Bryusov per. 8/10 (Sign visible from Tverskaya) Esterhazy $-$$ Cheers: Reasonably priced Hungarian food right in the frickin' center. Gulyash that comes in a hanging mechanism, decent bacon-n-bean soup. Paprikash dishes also worth a look. Affordable dry red wine. Waitstaff in quaint uniforms. Affiliated cafe next door has good pastries and is less annoying than most others around. Jeers: eXile alert! Recent tasting calls for downgrade to "sell". Goulash was watery, Paprikash too fatty, wine too pricey. Salad "bar" really a shameful assortment of Russian salads. Waiters still getting up to speed on the whole service thing. Totally devoid of spice. No chicken or beef paprikash, only pork and fish--and sometimes when you order the pork, they still try to give you fish. What gives, man? Neo-Soviet version of Hungarian cuisine. M: Kitai-Gorod Phone: 928-2517 Address: Maroseika, 7/8 Hours: 12.00 - 23.00 (cafe next door: 11.00 - 22.00) Fox Pub $$ Cheers: Had a mild daytime mojo last time we checked. Three-person live vocal accompaniment reminds you of your older brother's Styx albums. Solid bar food that's a cut above the usual slop. "Beer appetizer" assortment includes decent wings, crispy bacon, and other good stuff we can't quite recall at the moment. 380-ruble lamb chops were good enough to suprise us. Sturdy wooden furniture can be reassuring when you get a little too drunk for your own good. Jeers: Our Baltika was flatter than a double-mastectomy patient; for some reason waitress wouldn't take it off our table even after we had finished off the beers we ordered to replace it. Duck breast appetizer predictably uninspiring. Indentured-servant musical duo played shitty Depeche Mode covers while bored, sober girlfriends looked on in muted despair. M: Sukharevskaya Phone: 207-0498 Address: Daev per. 2 Hours: Early `til Late Liverpool $$ Cheers: As hard as it is to believe, this English-style restaurant is actually very good. Top-notch soups, particularly the Crayfish, billed as «King Arthur's favorite». Excellent Sea Bass, and we really liked the greasy Welsh Toast, smothered in cheese and garlic, for only 75R. Played Eminem vids at reasonable volumen. McElwee decided not to commit suicide after coming here. Jeers: No matter how good, it's still British. Supposedly have a Beatles cover band singing songs like «All You Neet Ees ze Lahv» and «Ze Long Ant Vindink Rot». All items on menu translated into German for the workers at the Damlier building next door. Meaning that the Yellow Submarine Salad is named the «U-Boat», bringing back bad memories of Dubya-Dubya Two. M: Novokuznetskaya Phone: 933-62-36 Address: Bolshaya Ordynka 40/1 Hours: noon to the last client !!! Look In NEW $$ Cheers: We finally decided to "luk" in to this obnoxiously named cafe and the results shocked us. Fantastic French onion soup (R120) finally satisfied Schwartz' long standing search for a bowl that doesn't go lite on the fromage. "Luk in" sandwich (R100) a decent Philly cheese stake for your dollar. Big picture windows allow for gawking at the talent on the street. Jeers: Most of the menu screams "Don't order me." Like the beef fillet (R180), which tasted like a shoe taken off a dead man. Dorkedent tendancies, including House cranked up three levels too high. The English menu a full page shorter than the Russian menu. Our waiter seemed to be sniffing glue. M: Tetralnaya Phone: 292-6295 Address: Bolshaya Dmitrovka 9, str. 1 Hours: 11.00 - 02.00

Jeers: Some patrons wear designer ripped djeans. Skip the soups; grilled meats sometimes overdone. Waitresses never allowed to sample the food, so they can't recommend anything. Not that we'd trust some mudho's opinion. M: Pushkinskaya/ Kuznetsky Most Phone: 924-0358 Address: Petrovka 21/1 Hours: noon to the last client; till 06.00 Thurs. - Sun.

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News Pub $$ Cheers: eXile alert! Big changes are afoot here. We can't tell you what, but trust us, the new management has brought you many a culinary pleasure. Plenty of tasty fish dishes that are so fresh they might jump off your plate. Jeers: Can be kind of a bore. Atmosphere a little too after worky for unemployed folks to enjoy a meal. M: Teatralnaya, Kuznetsky Most Phone: 928-83-43 Address: Petrovka 18 Hours: Sun-Tue: 12.00 - 02.00; Wed-Sat: 12.00 - 06.00 Night Flight $$-$$$ Cheers: Yes, we know, you don't really come here for THIS kind of food. But you should. It's rare to say this, but literally every item on the menu is either really good or great. Offer three portion sizes for each item, so you can mix `n match or stuff your face: taster, starter or main. Excellent service, good wine selection. Sometimes good looking chicks will smile at you as you eat, increasing your self-esteem. Jeers: We heard that the duck wasn't all that, so we didn't try it. M: Tverskaya Phone: 229-41-65 Address: ul. Tverskaya 17 Hours: 18.00 - 05.00 Orangeria $$$ Cheers: Giant Tatlin-esque bowling pin out front earns two Communist Manifestos way up! Sturgeon dishes quite nice. Cool interior will make you sentimental for LA in the mid-80s. You can spend every evening of entire week there, without ever repeating the same activity twice. Jeers: Food solidly mediocre in spite of good intentions. M: Krasnopresnenskaya Phone: 253-0253 Address: Malaya Gruzinskaya 15 Hours: 12.00 - 05.00 The Place $$$ Cheers: Stella's famed staff has found a new home at one of eXaptia's favorite places: The Place. Sit oudoors on with a view of the Moskva and enjoy expensive yet worth-it top-notch Euro-fusion cuisine. Moscow's best gazapacho. Excellent veal, seafood, risotto dishes, unbeatable foie gras, attentive service. Jeers: What the heck is "devil fish"? Auto parts shops across the river may blight view. Attracts SPS types who frequented Stella's. M: Paveletskaya Phone: 725-4070 Address: Kosmodamianskaya nab. 52/5 (Riverside Towers, bldg. 5) Hours: 11.30 - 23.00 The Real McCoy $$ Cheers: Kickin' business lunch deal. Succulent salmon filet made Shrek feel like he was back living next to the Pacific Ocean. Basically serves big slabs o' meat (R400-R700) that actually come rare if you want `em to. Don't try anything too fancy and you'll walk away completely sated. Veggie sambosas (R80) are mighty tasty, the others (meat and seafood) ain't. Great hangover food and a new breakfast menu (yee-haw!) that starts serving at 5. We haven't tried it yet, but how can you screw up eggs and potatos? Look out Starlite! Desserts (about R100) dense but worth it if you're still in the game late. Better sit in the back room if you want to talk. Did we mention it's the best bar in town? Jeers: High US embassy spook factor. Irish St. Pattie's Day menu a wash and, to add insult to injury, our waiter was in a kilt. Service gives you time to stop and smell the roses for sale across the street. Spicy the Mexican food is not. The chickpea and lamb soup (R180) needs to meet a blender. M: Barrikadnaya Phone: 255-41-44 Address: Kudrinskaya pl. 1 (in the Stalin skyscraper) Hours: Always Scandinavia $$$$ Cheers: eXile alert! Moscow's favorite outdoor patio restaurant is now back in business, thanks to global warming! Get ready for their famous grilled burgers, salmon sandwiches and other less expensive delights. For those of you who actually work for a living and earn money, the indoor restaurant has just undergone a classy facelift, featuring a fancy-casual new bar in the front of the restaurant that's sure to become a favorite for the serious folks out there. Perhaps your best all-around dining option in Moscow--if you've got the dough. Rare tuna steak ($28) and salmon filets ($26) that would rate high in any Western capital. Try the Indochine ($10), a creamy blue-ribbon Thai-flavored seafood soup. Summer outdoor seating and cheap-O menu appeal to eXholes. Jeers: Interior could use a little pepping up; so could the Swedish clientele, who make us restless.Coffee salesmen hassle you at the bar. M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 200-4986 Address: Palashevsky Mal. per. 7 Hours: 12.00 - 24.00 Safari Lodge $$ Cheers: Progressively multi-cultural staff in the kitchen visible through a glass window from almost every table in the place. Reasonably inexpensive selection of pan-Euro favorites, including the devushka pleasing Caesar salad. Bombay chicken may not be genuinely Indian, but is still tasty nonetheless. Short, lumpy waitresses may arouse your loins if your meal lasts long enough. Solid house wine. Still has plenty of grilled shashlyk to go around. Jeers: Beware the beluga sturgeon, which was so strong-tasting that Ames hid pieces of it under his salad and vegetables rather than risk the embarrassment of explaining himself to the waitress. Music heads into serious Sovok territory when the rambunctious local krysha stops in for a drink and a bite to eat. M: Chistiye Prudy/Kitai-Gorod Phone: 916-1879 Address: Pokrovka 32 Hours: 18.00 - 6.00 Uncle Guilly's $$ to $$$$ Cheers: eXile alert! Burgers still rock, and the menu in the bar for cheap-Os like us is about to be redone, including rumors of a return of the famous chicken sand. On the Russky side of the equation, the hearty Solyanka is peerless (and this in a city seemingly awash in solyanka). That "AllAmerican" burger contiues to win hearts, minds, and stomachs with its seemingly limitless charms. And still the best damn Filet Mignon in Moscow. Jeers: Gave free cherry pie to Americans and U.S. Embassy employees for President's Day. Don't like the French. M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 229-2050 Address: Stoleshnikov per. 6, str. 1 Hours: 12.00 - 24.00

Evropean

Angara $$-$$$ Cheers: eXile alert! New menu is cheaper and more eXhole friendly than ever. Local favorite chef Ken Frost has taken over the entire food arena here, which means Moscow's best lamb chops and spare ribs can now be found at Angara. Huge variety of reasonably priced (by local standards) sushi, including sea urchin sashimi with a quail's egg. Top-notch Caesar Salad and chicken wings. Jeers: Having those washed-up whores staring at you while you eat could make you feel guilty, or worse. Best to sit in booths far away from the pop muzak. M: Arbatskaya Phone: 203-6936 Address: Novy Arbat 19 Hours: restaurant 12.00 - midnight; bar 24 hours !!! NEW Biskvit $$$ Cheers: Super looker place for the budget-conscious eXhole, Novikov's best restaurant. Line of major model babes walking past the decadent, lush interior will make you spray frosting on your pants. But don't get any on your food--it's actually quite tasty. Amazing cream of pumpkin soup, reasonable yet oily «Dorada» fish, fantastilious honey cake dessert. No entree over 450R. Snideman likes the mashed potatoes. Make reservations, and try to get in the back room. Jeers: Some of the most laughably pretentious clientele this side of West Berlin. We sat next to some geek in a Cerutti suit smoking a cigar by himself and trying desperately to look like a man alienated by his riches and hangers-on--except that no one wanted to talk to him. They should have put him in one of those Dr. Evil chairs and sent him into the fire pits. Asian crab soup said to be «crap soup». The bill adds up, so be careful. M: Kuznetsky Most Phone: 925-1729 Address: Kuznetskii Most Ul. Dom 19 Hours: kitchen from 12.00 - 24.00, place stays open till the last nose stops bleeding Botanik $-$$ Cheers: Reasonably priced "ecologically clean" meats grilled to order with choice of sauces (definitely go for the house spicy), including a fine cut of steak and perhaps the best 380-ruble lamb chops you'll ever see. There's also a custom salad option--for 250 rubles, you pick from among 20 or so fresh vegetable and other ingredients. White Russians for 75 rubles is always a good thing. Jeers: 150-ruble buffet business lunch isn't worth the mayonnaise-y effort. The same goes for the Pomegranate sauce. The unfiltered beer tasted more like flat cider. We're still not sure what the "Hawaiian Mix" garnish is supposed to be. Located near the American Medical Center, which brings back way too many unpleasant memories from last summer. M: Prospekt Mira Phone: 937-8825 Address: Grokholskii Pereulok d. 26, str. 5 Hours: from 11:30, until the last nerd leaves Cabana $$$ Cheers: Cabana's Nigerian chef, who cut his teeth at Moscow Time, is turning this place into a culinary sleeper. Great hunkin' salads, top-quality black bean soup, and tasty chicken dishes. Also offer tasty-sounding cheap-0 business lunch deals. Jeers: Unfortunately, promises of Nigerian and Lebanese menu has proved to be vastly exagerrated. The only known advertiser in the Russia Journal. M: Tretyakovskaya Phone: 239-3045/6 Address: Raushskaya Nab. 4 Hours: 18.00 - 6.00 Cafe des Artistes $$$ Cheers: Just another place to have been gobbled up by that mysterious and greedy Stella team. Three-course $12 business lunch reminiscent of the Stella of old. Drinks are relatively cheap. Stay tuned for further updates as our stomachs and psyches permit. Jeers: We've seen so many of Rosinter's management-partnership deals at this place crumble almost overnight that we're far from optimistic about the long-term prospects. Time will tell, as the hacks love to say. M: Okhotny Ryad Phone: 292-0673 Address: Kamergersky per.5/6 Hours: 12.00 - midnight Crazy Milk $$$ Cheers: Old friend chef Andreas of Pancho Villa and Azteca fame is reinventing himself here. Excellent Ribeye steak and grilled salmon. Menu created with an eye toward compliance with geopolitical realities. Jeers: Milk shouldn't be crazy, but rather still and sterile. M: Dobryninskaya Phone: 230-7333

By Shausha Shaleesa

Sometimes I wonder how bachelors can handle all the solitude: they must be simply wasting away without somebody at their beck and call to cook and clean for them, to blow them on command, to wait for them when they're out with their friends till dawn. Poor things, it's not as if there aren't plenty of eligi ble young dyevushki just dying for a chance to take care of a westerner... I just don't understand what's holding you back. We don't even mind the occasional beating, as long as we deserve it, at least. But, as long as there are men out there without girls, there's a need for some simple recipes to keep them from eating ramen chased with vodka every night. Even the most hardened stomach needs a little home cooked love every once in a while. And who can afford calling whores to cook for them every night? This is one of my favorite dishes, famous throughout the world, and yet it never gets better than this simple recipe. It's quick, easy, nutritious, bursting with flavor and an easy way to get something hot in your stomach. Any klutz can make it. I call it macaroni po-flotsky!

MACARONI PO-FLOTSKY

1 kg pasta 1/2 l oil 500 g ground meat 10 heaping tbsp ass 5 tbsp salt 1 cup chopped dill Boil pasta and 1tbsp salt for three minutes longer than the instructions suggest. Don't worry about the mushy texture; that will be solved by the subsequent deepfrying. Heat oil on high and add pasta and everything except dill. Cook until meat turns gray. Garnish with dill and it is ready to serve! That was easy, wasn't it?

$$$ Cheers: Tastefully decorated Asian joint with the ideologically sound name makes up in atmosphere for what it lacks in flavor. Good soups and excellent selection of Asian beers. Post-prandial contract killings here on the fabled 1905 restaurant strip seem to be happening with less frequency these days. Jeers: The Thai, Mexican, Italian, Malaysian, Indonesian, and Indian promised by the flyers is a fib worthy of the Great Leader. Beers are way expensive; food tends toward the bland. Watch out for the jam-like sweet and sour entrees. Asian-looking fellow standing near the grill seems to be there only for show. M: Ulitsa 1905 goda Phone: 255-5955/42 Address: Ulitsa 1905 goda 2 Hours: 12.00 - 2.00 Ostrov Formosa $$$ Cheers: This Taiwanese "Ostrov" is one of the best sub-exhorbitant Chinesetype options in town. 3-course business lunch is pricier than most at $15, but worth every penny (choice of 4 entrees, soup, and a beer). Superb soups and noodles; kick-ass sweet and sour pork. Prices still on the high side, but portions seem to have increased in size. Jeers: Bush pledged to do "whatever it takes" to defend the real Ostrov Formosa. American boys will die on the altar of cheap t-shirts. Some say it's not worth the high tab, particularly the biz lunch special, which can't compete with Tibet K. down the street. Surrounding neighborhood overflowing with dangerous construction sites. Pre-recorded Chinese voice that greets you as you arrive and depart spooks us. M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 229-7216 Address: Leontyevsky per. 23 Hours: 12.00 - 24.00

$$ Cheers: Dork-o-dining for Moscow's pro-Columbian rebel lobby! Dare we recommend the sea bass? Good place to show off your model-level babe, or gawk at other people's model-level babes. Seafood fresher than a Saudi schoolgirl's snapper! Try the shrimp and saffron risotto (R520) or the duck salad (R280). Bypass fascist face control in the club downstairs every time you drop by for dinner. Reminds us of the good ol' days before Putin.

Business Lunch Guide

Darbar: Three dishes: Indian rice, meat, and vegetables. Meat & veggie dishes change daily. $8 noon-4pm Tel. 930-2925 $13 "Heavenly Lunch" at Tratoria Paradiso: Seven days a week, Noon to 5p.m. Two dishes of your choice from our special menu, a mini pastry, plus one drink (glass of wine, draft beer, juice, soft drink, tea). All credit cards and rubles welcome. Address: M. Biblioteka Im. Lenina, Starovagankovsky per, 19/a Tel.: 737-6484, Fax: 737-6485 Great Canadian Bagel: Business Lunch Monday to Friday 12.00 - 16.00 . Buy four Business Lunches - Get one Business Lunch for FREE. Soup, main dish, side, any salad of your choice, glass of beer & house dessert -- for only 160rbls. Ul. Tverskaya 27 Tel.: 299-9602, 299-9702

flavor. Salads - Ham & Cheese Rolls with raw vegetables, Chiken Salad with sweet corn, Raw Vegetables under a mustard dressing, Tuna Salad with red onion. Grill, served with mashed potatoes, french fries, rice or fresh vegetables on your choice - Chiken Breasts in bacon stuffed with cheese under peanut sauce, Salmon Steak with «Lime» sauce, BBQ Pork chop, Beef Steak with Chili sauce. Pepsi-cola, Mirinda orange, 7UP, Pepsi-light, Everness, Aqua Minerale, Mountain Dew - for FREE Kudrinskaya pl. 1 (in the Stalin skyscraper) Tel. 255-4144

Frog-ean

La Brasserie $$ Cheers: Now open Sundays as well. Check it out: first new management, now a new name! New creole-crazy French chef and management have taken over this one-time eXpat favorite and turned it into a safe haven for Francophile food fans again. If you order anything, make sure you eat the Grilled Seabass with Fennel Sauce, among the freshest and finest seafood dishes we've ever tried. We also went ga-ga for the Creole Crab Salad with Celery Sauce. The blackened salmon and the Jamaican Jerk Pork, a tender cut with moist sauteed banana slices, "literally melts in your mouth." Good wine selection, particularly the fairly priced Chileans. Bread served warm. Word on the street is the delicious "Opera" chocolate dessert is on the menu now. Another innovation is the intriguing standardized pricing system (which seems oddly appropriate for this Putin-inspired era of stability we're all enjoying so much): all starters are $8, all mains are $14, and all desserts are $6.50. No more using your cellphone calculator to divvy up the bill! Jeers: Lionel wasn't ga-ga over the tuna carpaccio, while the Sauteed Gambas Shrimp didn't make us want to grow out rasta curls. Manager is actually Dutch Protestant, not Catholic. M: Taganskaya Phone: 258-5900 Address: Ul. Taganskaya 21 Hours: 12.00 - midnight; weekends 18.00 - midnight Le Duc $$$$$ Cheers: High-quality, if expensive, French cuisine in a Eurodisney castle type setting. Unlike most in this city, these guys know what to do with a duck. Exquisite desserts. The head chef called Lionel "Monsieur Tannenbaum" when he called up to complain about our French-language review of the place entitled "Le Plouc." Jeers: They finally promised us a free meal, and then made us pay for it ($259!) after we had eaten it. Ultra uptight and in-your-face service will make even the most laid-back diner nervous.

Mao: Special Offer from NOON to 5 PM. 20% OFF Business Lunch for 160 rbls Choice of 6 appetizers and 10 main dishes, prepared on an open fire in a wok. Comes with a drink. Tel. 255-5955, 1905 Goda st, 2

5- SPICE

5-Spice Choose: Naan Chicken broth, Chicken Dish, Egg fried rice OR Naan Vegetable broth, Vegetable dish, Vegetable fried rice for 10$ from 12 to 4pm, Sivtzhev Vrazhek 3/18 Tel: 203-1283 Real McCoy: Business Lunch Monday to Friday 12.00 - 17.00 for 150 rbls. Soup of the day - ask your waiter about today's MARICA: Business Lunch Monday to Sunday 12.00 17.00 for 200 rbls. A choice of 3 soups, 3 main dishes, 3 salads & wide range of drinks. Petrovka 21/1, tel.: 924-0358

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M: Ulitsa 1905 goda Phone: 255-0390 Address: Ulitsa 1905 goda 2A (across from the Mezh. Hotel) Hours: 12.00 - midnight Monks & Nuns

$$ Cheers: Those nun outfits the waitresses wear are enough to make exholes dizzy. A big old selection of Belgian beer will make you want to join a monastery. Jeers: Who are we fooling? Belgium is not a country. It has produced nothing of worth ever. Except maybe a couple passable serial killers. Belarus is a capital of world culture compared to that mud hole. They serve meat with canned whipped cream and DelMonte fruits. M: Kropotkinskaya Phone: 203-6841 Address: Sistev Vrazhek 3/18 Hours: 12.30 - 23.00 (serve beer until midnite)

#10/142 P.16

masala teas and some globjob." We later found out he meant "Gulab Jamin"-- and it was worth the confusion, because it's a damn good dessert. You can order free delivery, no kidding! Jeers: Thugs at entrance can be annoying: just ignore them no matter how much they bark at you. Why are good Indian places always such a pain in the buttocks to get to? No more kima. Occasional wait for tables on weekends. M: Leninsky Prospekt Phone: 930-2925 Address: Leninsky Pr. 38 (Hotel Sputnik) Hours: 12.00 - midnight Goa $$-$$$ Cheers: Ignore the pretentious dorkadent interior and model-level babes, cuz the food's actually pretty damn good, and not too pricey. Succulent chicken tikka masala (350R), decent lamb samsa won us over. Accompanying French (!) menu offers one of Moscow's best warm duck-breast salads, we mean it. Fantabulous cocktails that come in huge metal shakers. Jeers: Door thug nearly smoked Ames when he tried crashing a recent party, thinking there was free food to be had. These guys aren't joking when they say you gotta have reservations on weekends. Russians who come here don't really like Indian food, which is why they also offer French and Sushi. M: Kitai-Gorod/Lubyanka Phone: 504-4031 Address: Myasnitskaya ul. 8/2 Hours: 12.00 until last customer (until 6.00 Thurs.-Sun.) Juggernaut $ Cheers: Cheap vegetarian eatery could be just what the doctor ordered for our less carnivorous eXholes. The owner's many years as a monk in India have really paid off; a soothing Hare Krishna-influenced atmosphere and healthy food that will make you realize just how out of shape you've become. Best bets include the pleasingly chunky guacamole, pureed yellow dal, or banana lassi. With prices that max out at less than $6, even our junkie friends can now afford to stay well-fed and fit. Good selection of teas from all over the world. Jeers: eXile alert! Recent trip here proved that this place is very mediocre. Food lacks flavor, our dyke-dar detected womyn who play for the other team. Our lunch food took 30 minutes to get, portion was small, and gay waiter was pissy with us. Lack of booze takes the whole health-food thing a bit too far. Like many Hare Krishna-veggie places, the food tends toward the bland side of things. The rice tastes suspiciously Russian, the items marked on the menu with a hot pepper hardly merit the warning, Miso soup wasn't all that. We could really do without the overweight belly dancers. M: Kuznetsky Most Phone: 928-3580 Address: Kuznetsky Most 11 Hours: 10.00 - 23.00 Maharaja $$$ Cheers: Prices not quite as ridiculous as they used to be. Used to be the top Indian place... back in the days before a place actually had to be good to be the best. Great service and presentation. Candlelit metal trays keep your food warm. Setting that'd make a Mogul feel at home. Jeers: Let's call a spade a spade here: even with prices almost down to Darbar levels, this place still basically sucks. Food that's indigestion-inducing without offering much in the way of flavor. Some of the driest samosas we've ever seen; drinks still a bit of a gouge. Even the sauces they give you with the poppadums lack that certain oomph. Popular with expat nerd `listers.' M: Kitai-Gorod Phone: 921-9844 Address: Ul. Pokrovka 2/1 Hours: 12.00 - 16.00... 17.00 - 22.30 Moscow Bombay $$ Cheers: You can watch real live Indians eat here. Kickin' chicken tikka can't be bested in one-on-one combat. Sturgeon tandoor rocks. Good service, convenient location. They actually make it spicy, so that it resembles real Indian food. Try the plov. Jeers: No spinach or slurpies on the menu. They infringed on MoscowBerlin's copyright. Belly dancers don't give us wood; piano player plays "Feelings". Incongruous Chinese menu made us scratch our heads. M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 292-9731 Address: Glinishchevsky per. 3 Hours: noon - midnight Tandoor $$ Cheers: Our favorite centrally-located Indian restaurant has just added more mouth-watering dishes. When you don't have the energy to head out to the Sputnik, this is your spicy choice to fix your inner-Garden ring curry-jones. Madras chicken (420R) is as mouth-watering as you'll ever want, and they'll make it as spicy as you desire. Samosas as tasty and crisp as ever. Baklazhan (eggplant) dish, still off-the-menu, is another worthwhile dish for you vegetarian types, featuring ground eggplant and spices o'plenty. As always, excellent service makes you feel like a Raj overlord. Large portions, good prices, and probably the phat-est business lunch special in town for the Val-U (210R-350R), if you don't mind stuffing yourself full. Jeers: Nan bread with peas a little lame; stick to garlic nan. We saw someone reading the Russia Journal in here, the first time we've ever seen anyone reading it. Interior still a drag, with more pink than Red China. Music consists of mid-90's hits recycled as muzak. Bored waitresses circle like vultures as they wait for you to finish eating. Manager repeatedly referred to eXile editor Matt Taibbi as "Mr. Mike." People at other tables frequently have a Wanted-Poster look to them. M: Mayakovskaya Phone: 299-5925 Address: Tverskaya ul. 30/2 Hour: 12.00 - 23.00

Giardino Italiano $$ Cheers: Outstanding upscale Italian option just beyond the Garden Ring. Superb carpaccio, genuine al dente pasta, and everything you've come to expect from Italian desserts. Damn fine coffee and wine list. Jeers: Name reminds us of "giardia," which alone is enough to give Ames poo cramps. M: Leninsky Prospekt Phone: 958-1509 Address: Leninsky pr. 37 Hours: 12.00 - 24.00 La Grotta $$ Cheers: eXile alert! Recent Sunday afternoon visit unearthed one of the best cheap-O Dago cafes around! How did this place evade our guide for so long? Tomato soup (R130) will make you pop wood. Killer pastas include arteryblocking penne gorgonzola (R235) and giant, manti-like agnolotti in tomato sauce (R285). Rumored to have a real WOP working in the kitchen. Pizzas (~R250) actually made with real sauce. Jeers: Replaced legendary Uzbek dive Lera, providing more evidence of Russia's turn towards Europe. Waitress takes your order as if there are right and wrong answers. Bread (and probably kitchen) shared with Pinchos next door. Minestrone predictably sucks. People important enough to have secretaries sometimes see them here. M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 200-30-57 Address: ul. Bolshaya Bronnaya 27/4 Hours: 12.00 - 24.00 Mario $$$$ Cheers: Snideman reiterated his legal opinion that Mario's is still the best restaurant in town, citing in his brief the tuna carpaccio and lobster. Still THE place for oligarchs and oligarchabies. The pesto pasta is as good as you'll find anywhere, the Dover fish cooked in bread to keep the juices in melted in our mouths. Impressive wine list, cozy patio dining. Bresaola was mouthwateringly good. Jeers: Berezovsky won't be coming here anymore. Almost got shot by jittery guards after walking too close to a client. They sell $5 kiosk wine for $60-- and it tastes like Bangladeshi Kool-Aid. Waitstaff seems nervous and abused. Pretentious customers fond of bringing in their groomed poodles in designer pakety. Stubborn Lionel remains unconvinced. M: Ulitsa 1905 Phone: 253-6505 Address: Ulitsa Klimashkina 17 Hours: 13.00 - midnight Papa John's Cantina $$ Cheers: You can't go wrong with any of the antipasto platter, rigatoni amatriciana, lasagna, or ravioli, all priced at $7-8. Tagliatelle with creamy porcini mushroom sauce also highly recommended. Some of the busier entrees-- such as king prawns fra diavolo or duck a l'orange--also worth a look. Decent house wine. All in all, not to shabby for a place that's in the ass end of a disco. Jeers: Antonio's refusal to tell us where he worked in Moscow previously reminiscent of President Putin's election campaign performance. M: Turgenevskaya Phone: 755-9554 Address: 22 Myasnitskaya ulitsa Hours: 18.00 - 6.00 Paparazzi $$ Cheers: Quality business lunch makes this a worthy stop if you're on your way to or from the AMC or SOS after picking up your HIV results. Recent visit proved that this should be on your weekly Idi-food list. If it's pesto you seek, then look no further. Fabiano and Eduardo, formerly of Il Pomodoro fame, now serve up the beloved basil sauce and other Ligurian favorites. Penne all'imperiese--with a sundried tomato and black olive--was also damn impressive. Out-of-this-world chocolate dessert. Jeers: Slightly disappointing beef carpaccio; occasional live jazz/blues performances. M: Prospekt Mira Phone: 971-0984 Address: Prospekt Mira 21 (Zaitsev House of Fashion) Hours: noon - midnight Il Pomodoro $$$ Cheers: The breadsticks are still free. Nice trattoria atmosphere, with waitresses that appeal to Ames when he's in one of his anti-teenager oldchick moods. Decent pasta dishes that are generally prepared authentically al dente. Supposedly now has some chef from Dorian Gray whose name is `Spartak.' Back in the old days, was immensely popular with real life Italians and ordinary eXholes alike. Jeers: Rumors of a revival are unfortunately greatly exaggerated. Niggardly portions, eggplant parmesan now sucks. Mixed green salad, pesto, and inexpensive wine by the caraffe--now all gone. Seems they're so ashamed of themselves, they even took down all those rave press reviews that used to hang in the stairway. M: Sukharevskaya Phone: 924-2931 Address: Bolshoi Golovin per. 5 Hours: noon - 23.00 Portofino $$$-$$$$ Cheers: Another fancy-pants Italian joint with an LA-leaning interior. Roman chef seems to known what he's doing. Desserts in a class by themselves. Solid appetizers, homemade pastas, and awesome meat dishes, including this nifty lamb chop thing. Jeers: Cheese sauces that tend to taste Kraft-like. Overpriced $4 glasses of cola. Lighting that lacks mojo. Sounds of the Gypsy Kings. M: Lubyanka Phone: 923-0286 Address: Ul. Malaya Lubyanka 16/4, bldg. 1 Hours: noon - final customer (leaves) San Marco $$ Cheers: The charming Old Arbat location has been remont-ed to give the place a more contemporary look...they even remedied that pesky toilet issue. Food that's as good as ever--luscious carpaccio with pesto, super Carbonara, a hearty duck-n-mushroom risotto, heavenly tiramisu. Fra Diabolical pizza with spicy Italian sausage is still a favorite. And at $10 per liter, the carafes of house wine are still a steal. Jeers: OK, here's the deal on the mystery oven: it's not really a brick oven at all, but some special convection thingy we don't quite understand. At any rate, overheating concerns forbid its use during the summer months, and the regular oven doesn't quite have the juice to do a properly crisp crust--you might want to keep that in mind when ordering. M: Arbatskaya Phone: 291-7089 Address: Ulitsa Arbat 25 Hours: noon - 23.00 Trattoria $$ Cheers: Might replace Verona as the top Val-U Italian joint. Just up the street from Bungholio, offers great pizza, real spicy penne arrabbiata, and a massive mussels in curry soup (210R) inspired the eXile's own Johnny Cochran, Maxim, to give it two power of attorneys way up. Babe waitresses. Jeers: They shouldn't call dry pizza crust "foccacio" but they do. M: Krasnaya Vorota Phone: 207-5975 Address: Sadovaya Chernogryazskaya d. 10/25 Hours: 10.00 - 24.00 Verona $-$$ Cheers: Only place in town to find a good cannoli. For Italian standards at impossibly low prices, this place can't be beat. The superb $3 penne arrabiatta alone is worth the trip across town--dare we say, this arrabiatta's as good as the real thing. Massive prosciutto appetizer (almost) always satisfies. Pizzas also damn good-- for something different try the cheese-less Marinara with super-spicy garlic tomato sauce. Jeers: eXile alert! Can be very crowded, meaning if you even get a seat, you'll be stuck in the smoky, bright front room, rather than the dark, less-miserable dining room. Ethnic confusion among waitresses distracting: their new costumes look like Swiss Miss dresses. We preferred the cleavage-baring old costumes. Main dining hall doesn't open until seven on Sundays--they make you wait in the cafe. Limited wine list. Those massive parmesan chunks that come with the prosciutto seem like a big waste to us. Dessert selection extremely unpredictable. M: Proletarskaya Phone: 912-0632 / 276-4150 Address: Vorontsovskaya ul. 32/36 Hours: 11.00 - 23.00

Hours: noon - midnight Kamakura $$$ Cheers: First of all, one of the few places is town with truly tasty prawns and kick-ass tempura ($19), which Tannenbaum described as "exquisite". Yakitori chicken also described as best in Moscow. Interesting menu, the best new Japanese restaurant to hit Moscow even though they're raiding this town like it's Pearl Harbor. All in all a great choice for those with coin. Jeers: Expensive--Sapporo beer for $7. Lame provincial layout, but you didn't come to Moscow for Japanese atmosphere, didja? M: Novoslobodskaya Phone: 978-0407 Address: Dolgorukovskaya 31 Hours: noon - midnight Planeta Sushi $$-$$$ Cheers: Dynamite wraps kick major ass. Got a confident thumbs-up from most eXile staffers for its fresh, delicious tuna and salmon sushi, the spinach and tofu salad, saki-it-to-me saki and upstanding service. Since it can get pricey, we recommend the top-notch tuna rolls (8 for 7 bucks). Vegetable tempura got two battered-and-fried-fingers up. Cozy atmosphere. Jeers: On the expensive side for the genre. California rolls that tasted too much like Jersey with all that eggy crud on the periphery. Lionel had an apparently bad experience that he'll be happy to tell y'all about. M: Mayakovskaya Phone: 250-9509 Address: Tverskaya-Yamskaya ul. 2 Hours: noon - midnight Samurai $$$ Cheers: Located not far from Patriarch's Pond, where we hear an enterprising individual can score smack. Sapporo beer on tap! Patrick Bateman once ate here with his secretary, and even ignored the urge to gouge out her eyes with the cheap plastic chopsticks. Jeers: Sushi is overpriced and mediocre. Depressing, hole-in-the-wall woodpaneled atmosphere. Service poor at best. M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 202-8694 Address: ul. Malaya Bronnaya, 21/13 Hours: noon - midnight Staryi Tokyo $$$ Cheers: This place has become pretty hep since the recent renovations! Get the sushi boat if someone else is footing the bill--it won't fill you up or let you down. Highlights include California, ebi and eel rolls, tuna and yellowtail sashimi. Gyuniku maki meat rolls (R430) are a tasty artery-clogging alternative to fishy dishes. Cocktails rock--try the Godzilla. Quality absinth (R500) with a whopping 10% wormwood seperates the men from the boys. Spacious private cabinets let you dine in peace without reminding you that everyone in the restaurant ought to be consumed from within by tapeworms. Jeers: After a few too many free cocktails, Ames started proposing marriage to a girl who wouldn't have treated him well. Miso soup and tempura had Ames spouting poetry to her, even though they weren't all that good. The same chick tried to off Rudnitsky by subverting his course of antibiotics. Cabinets can get pretty lonely. Do you really want to come here? M: Chekhovskaya Address: Petrovsky bul. (near the intersection with Petrovka) Hours: noon to midnight Wabi $$$ Cheers: Yet another good-quality sushi place. Stick to the sushi, especially the queer-friendly rainbow roll, and the miso soup. You can get a private cabin. Jeers: Restaurant opens up onto a horrific mall. Russian crooners accompany your meal, which might bring back bad memories of the Russo-Japan War. Pricey. Meat dishes kinda shwarmy, that is, like shwarma. M: Belorusskaya Phone: 255-6982 Address: Tishinskaya Sq. 1, second floor of Tishinka Shopping Center Hours: noon - 23:00 Yakitoriya $$ Cheers: Yes, your prayers have been answered: quality Japanese food at prices that you can talk about on the expat list with all your Quicken-proficient friends! Excellent miso (80R) and kento (100R) soups, healthy seafood salad (150R) for starters; quality tuna rolls and California rolls. Fried dumplings a hit with Russians. Now has a new branch by the Sports Bar (see American)which is more spacious and doesn't have such long lines. Nu Tokyo rolls a hit with one eXile date. Jeers: Recent visit revealed unexciting miso and tuna rolls the size of rabbit pellets. Orange hospital gown waitress outfits make you wonder if you're being prepped for a double mastectomy--and you're a guy! Already crowded with the Bagel crowd; desserts lacking.

M: Belorusskaya, Arbatskaya Phone: 250-5385/290-4311 Address: ul. 1-aya Yamskaya 29, str. 1 / Sports Bar Hours: 11.00 - 6.00

Latin

Acapulco $$ Cheers: Acapulco might be your best option for Mexican food. Jumbo portions for reasonable prices. Nachos Monterrey (280R) comes with great chipolte sauce and perfectly cooked chips with all the junk. Great Quesadillas (210R), decent burritos (270R). Massive fajitas of all different varieties (290R-550R) will definitely impress your date. All cocktails 175R; 1.2l pitcher of margaritas for 750R. Cuban cigars. Also offer cheap-O breakfast. Open 24/7. Teach salsa dancing to local secretaries whom you can later pluck. Jeers: They put mayonnaise instead of sour cream on everything! Senor, no es bueno! Also offer sauerkraut with the fajitas which is kinda weird. Hot Pepper appetizer too small, food not spicy enough. They should pour that awesome chipolte sauce on everything! Address: Ul. Petrovka 14 M: Teatralnaya/Kuznetsky Most Phone: 200-4441, 209-1173 Hours: 24/7 Amazonia $$$ Cheers: Over-the-top, exotic interior and not-too-exhorbitant prices make this the perfect place for shutting up the dyevushka who's been hounding you for some big-ticket item. Flaming mutton chops were a big smash with Moe Snideman; Lionel dug the massive $6 mixed green salad. Aromatic chicken breast also packs plenty of mojo. Average sushi is priced fairly reasonably. Jeers: Disappointing cocktails, especially the inverse quantum margarita. "Unusual" black bean soup. Exotic seafood dishes (such as blue shark and moray eel) can be hit and miss--the shark missed. They never paid us for their ad. M: Chekhovskaya Phone: 209-7487 Address: Strastnoi bulvar, 14 Hours: noon - 6.00 (disco: 23.00 - 6.00) Aruba $$ Cheers: Although it's been around for awhile, we forgot how good it is. Now it's cheaper and tastier. Recent business lunch taste test earned two coca leaves up. Excellent vegetarian soup, cuban rice, decent chicken "pechuga". Also serves Mexican dishes. Jeers: There was a fat French guy eating there, and he seemed to like it. Too much wood, and the threat of loud Latino music. M: Taganskaya Phone: 912-1836 Address: Narodnaya ul. 4 Hours: 11.30 - 5.00 B.B. King $ Cheers: Mexican and Cajun touch to the old evropeisky classics. Real cheap Mexican food for those who don't like to eat much. Fajitas tasty, after you dump a gallon of Tabasco on them. Gumbo good, but way too thin. Jeers: The money you think you are saving vaporizes when you need to order five main courses just to be mildly sated. Veggie nachos include about five chips and eggplant... what is this, fusion food? M: Tsvetnoi Bulvar Address: Sadovaya-Samotechnaya 4/2 Phone: 299-82-06 Hours: 12.00 - 02.00 Columbus Club $$ Cheers: Spanish cuisine for the masses! The chef may be Russian, but he seems to know his business. We dig the cold cut assortment (incl. chorize and tangy Manchero cheese), creamy chef's salad, zesty creole soup, and tequila-marinated Torrero steak. House wine for a mere 50R per glass. Interesting desserts, surprisingly good coffee. Relaxed rustic atmosphere, and music that's not too loud, for a change. Jeers: Location a bit out of the way for non-neighborhood types. Avoid the quesadillas. M: Sokol Phone: 943-6029 Address: Ulitsa Alabyana 10/1 Hours: 24 hours El Gaucho $$$ Cheers: Meat products of the very highest quality prepared by an authentic Argentinean chef--he even has a bushy mustache! Decent wine list with a

Fusion

City Cafe 317 $$ Cheers: Cheap-o dining right next to the White House means you might run into your favorite deputies. Decent food without pretentions (if you ignore their `fusion' claims). Having khachipuri does NOT mean the restaurant does that fusion thang. They have tongue on the menu. Big old portions. 0.5l of Ochkovo for only 35R. Green Chicken salad (R85) with spinich made Jeff rethink his moratorium on mayonnaise. Could it be the beginning of a detente? Jeers: Kitchen's only open until 22.30 because residents in the building are not the kind of people you want to fuck with. Clientelle a little too close to Andrew Jack's ideal of a Russian middle class for comfort. M: Barrikadnaya Phone: 205-1997 Address: Gluboki per. 1/2 Hours: `til 23.00 Kafka $$$ Cheers: Deliciously decked-out supper club on the fledgling elite restaurant row on Ulitsa 1905 goda. Really packs in what's left of the bored and beautiful people. Beautifully presented sushi and Asian-influenced dishes a feast for the eyes. Good jazz and a lounge singer sideshow who looks just like a young Tom Jones. Frequent contract hits of flatheads on their way home from here makes it a good place for up-close death pooling. The name is very, um... kafkaesque. Jeers: Some dishes don't live up to the presentation, nor do they warrant the high price (especially the sushi). The bored and beautiful people don't seem quite as beautiful as they used to be. Which makes us bored. Gregor Samsa couldn't eat anything that wasn't rotten and liquefied. M: Ulitsa 1905 goda Phone: 255-5963/53 Address: Ulitsa 1905 goda (across from the Mezh. Hotel) Hours: 12.00 - 5.00 Kult $$ Cheers: Hot waitresses. Another recent inspection reveals this place to be a totally viable-- and affordable-- dinner option. Good tempura appetizers, great milkshakes, good rice dishes and stellar kebabs. Two eXile undercover agents recently dined there, with multiple beverages and appetizers, for 640 rubles. Plus, it's air-conditioned! Lots of vegetarian options. We don't know why the quesadillas are called quesadillas, but they're pretty darn good anyway. Killer cocktails at bargain basement prices. Jeers: The business lunch deals lose their appeal after the first couple of times: the ratatouille may be tasty, but stay away from the other main course options. And, let's be honest, the business lunch salads and soups might as well be made from the tallow runoff from a soap factory. Many of the entrees are so sweet, there's no need for dessert. Fake tree decorations hamper digestion. M: Tanganskaya/Kitai Gorod Phone: 917-5706 Address: Yauzskaya ulitsa 5 Hours: Noon - midnight Pir $$ Cheers: Waitresses dress in skimpy outfits reminiscent of "Caligula." "Intimate" services available. Every customer gets a free glass of house wine. Italian, Greek, French, and soon, Spanish cuisine. "Greek Tasting Menu" gets a thumbs-up from Lionel. Jeers: Pointless seafood salad. Remains unknown whether children can take advantage of the "intimate" services. M: Arbatskaya/Pushkinskaya Phone: 203-2137 Address: Ul. Bolshaya Nikitskaya 19 Hours: 12.00 - 6.00 Pyramid $$$ Cheers: The perfect place to impress your Afisha-reading dyev date. Lots of dorkadent people in silly boutique costumes, techno music and babes o' plenty. Married molls come here to be seen, and for who knows what else. Food is actually good quality and reasonably priced. Sushi, salmon dishes and sandwiches all ranked high. Jeers: Snideman was served three wrong gin and tonics, and has since won a court restraining order forbidding him or his esteemed associates from ever setting foot in there. Ames once tried taking a date there, then stormed out after suffering the humiliation of waiting with a bunch of dorkadent flatheads and camel-toe-toting molls. Ab factor. M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 200-3515 Address: Tverskaya 18a Hours: always Tsesarka (at Santa Fe) $$$ Cheers: Chef Yuri Navarro was finally allowed to stop fucking around with Southwest shit and bring out his potential. Full assortment of sushi and fish you can trust to be fresh. $62 seven course meal for two a bargain. Cappuccino ice cream in the last course as dark as a West African and a whole lot richer. Jeers: Generous first two courses scare you into thinking you will never finish. Uses the glo-in-the-dark fish roe stunt twice. M: Ulitsa 1905 goda Phone: 256-2126 Address: Mantulinskaya 5/1, str. 6 (Second floor of Santa Fe) Hours: 12.00 - 2.00

FREE HOME DELIVERY FREE HOME DELIVERY F F R BEST 3 ASIAN EATERIES R E E E E H O M E D E L I V E R Y F R E E H O M E D E L I V E R Y

DELICIOUS MUGHLAI & SOUTH INDIAN FOOD

Italian

Amarcord $$ Cheers: Bargain-priced (starting at $5) thin-crust pizzas and respectable antipasti bar. With Il Pomodoro slipping into obscurity, this place seems to be picking up the trattoria-styled slack and is definitely worth a second look. Now has a second, more intimate room downstairs. Excellent pasta dishes, including some real steals for all you vegetarians out there. Quasipop star Lena Zosimova (looking much the worse for drink and who knows what else) occasionally spotted here. Open until 6 a.m., for some bizarre reason. Jeers: The hot waitress we were stalking first dyed her hair a putrid orangish color, and now no longer seems to work here. Meanwhile, the food quality is on a downward swing once again. Pasta fagioli soup now barely edible. Non-pasta entrees still only so-so. Bizarre pricing defies the laws of quantum physics (e.g., a dessert that costs $14 ought to come with a blowjob at the end, or at least some booze in it). Disappointing wine selection, including way overpriced Chianti in those straw-covered bottles that were big in the `70s. Phone: 923-0932 M: Kitai Gorod Address: Ul Pokrovka 6 Hours: 11.30 - 6.00 Angelico's $$$ Cheers: Claim to have some new fancy chef, but we wouldn't know if he's good because they don't invite us for a free meal in exchange for a rude review. Take your tastebuds on a cruise around the Mediterranean, without the customs hassles. Delicious soups and salads. Easily Moscow's best desserts, including a light `n rich tiramisu with mangoes and strawberries. Jeers: Over-priced wine list, overattentive staff when the place is less-thanfull. M: Tsvetnoi Bulvar Phone: 299-3696 Address: Bolshoi Karetny Pereulok 6 Hours: 11:30 - 2:00 Cicco Pizzeria $$ Cheers: Affordable and tasty thin crust pizza may be the best option on Kamergersky; skillful application of yuppie toppings like artichoke and perccuttio imply some mud people might actually be catching on. Small enough that the waitress doesn't forget about you. Outdoor patio doesn't suffer from exhaust fumes! Jeers: Not good enough to make to wish you had learned Italian. Pasta dishes so Spartan, they don't even come with the requisite parsley garnish... they're equally stingy with flavor. High obnoxious cell-phone use factor. House wine tastes like grain alcohol and grape juice. M: Okhotny Ryad Phone: 229-73-61 Address: Kamergersky per. 5/7 Hours: noon - midnight

Hotel "SPUTNIK", Leninsky Prospect 38, Tel : 930-2925 930-2365 WWW.DARBAR.MENU.RU

H O M E D E L I V E R Y

5-S P I C E

FOR REAL SPICY CHINESE CUISINE

Gogolevsky Boulevard, Per. Sivtsev Vrashek 3/18, Tel : 203-1283 WWW.5SPICE.MENU.RU

$$$ Cheers: This is the restaurant that wrote the book on fusion and "de-fusion". eXile "Chef Head" Isaac Correa continues to tempt our palates, while also tickling our funny bones. Among the superb new summer fravorites which we're hoping to see more of are the BBQ unagi rolls with asparagus and the scrumptious Chilean sea bass, certainly one of the best seafood dishes in the city. And if ever there was a pasta dish that's actually worth more than $20, it's the chicken and 4 mushroom sun-dried tomato angel hair pasta (one of Isaac's personal faves). And of course, the desserts remain so good as to be beyond description, even by the legendary likes of our occasional guest reviewer Jesus Christ. Jeers: We occasionally see Andrew Paulson eating here. It's downright unfair that he can afford the place and we can't. Almost makes us wish we had devoted more time to the business side of our operation. M: Mayakovskaya Phone: 797-3090/4333 Address: Gasheka ul. 7 Hours: 17.00 - 2.00; Fri.-Sun. `til 5.00

F R E Thai Cuisine From Thai Cooks E

BAAN THAI

Indian

d ate Bombay Nights Upd $$ Cheers: eXile alert! Supposedly it's re-opened. We'll see. Reasonably-priced new Indian restaurant opened by the fellas who brought us the short-lived Ambassador. Excellent eggplant (Baingan Na Partha), promises good palak paneer, various chicken and tandoor dishes. Great tandoor bread (Kashta Roti), various rice dishes, and South Indian as well. Live loud Indian music thankfully shown in small back room so your eardrums won't pop. So-called "erotic Indian show." Jeers: Could be spicier for our tastes. May be too Russian-friendly on the tongue. Some dishes too bland, like Samosas and Mutton Dosa. Come on, fellas! Make us sweat! Make us cry uncle in Hindi! M: Biblioteka Im. Lenina Phone: 202-2643 Address: Starovagankovsky Per., 19 Hours: noon - midnight

Bolshaya Dorgomilovskaya, 11 m. Kievskaya Tel.: 240-0597 WWW.BAANTHAI.MENU.RU

Japanese

$$$$ Cheers: Without a doubt, the finest Croat-run Italian joint in all the world! Superb soups and prosciutto e melone; kick-ass spicy arrabiatta and truffle menu rocked Lionel's world. Pasta that's truly al dente; even the ravioli are good. Luxurious tiramisu is the only one in town worth ordering; or try the "hot dessert" (warm forest berries in cream) for a lighter treat. Principled Sicilian chef comes from a long line of idealistic Commies--hey, we gotta admire that! Good coffee, and a great location to boot. Jeers: Stingy portions; the prices ain't exactly affordable for an unrepentant commie chef. Sadly, shoot-em-up bloodbaths seem to be a thing of the past. Frequented by Nikita Mikhalkov--and his mustache. M: Tretyakovskaya Phone: 237-6342 Address: Kadashevskaya nab. 6/1 Hours: 12.00 - 24.00 It's Sushi $ Cheers: Moscow's bestest quickie sushi option is a whole lot better with the addition of temaki and sashimi. Believe it or not, affordably scrumptious sushi! Kickin' tuna, plus some respectable vegetarian options like egg and black mushroom. The combination of sinusopening wasabi and fresh seafood is also the perfect hangover cure. DeliFrance always seems to be packed with teenage girls. Jeers: That shopping area is looking more and more like an upscale food court every day. Rumors of price increases. M: Mayakovskaya; Rizhskaya Phone: 299-4236 Address: Next to DeliFrance in the lobby of Tchaikovsky Concert Hall; Sheremetyevsky (new Ramstore supermarket)

Darbar $$ Cheers: All-U-Can-Eat b-day bonanza let us sample pretty much the entire Darbar spectrum in a single sitting, and it reaffirmed what we knew already-- this place can't be beat! Our General Counsel has reaffirmed two legal pads up for Darbar, citing their samosas and Chicken Vindaloo as "the best in Moscow." Fashions come and go, but Darbar remains. The rest of us still love the spinach, dal, and buttery chicken dishes. Magic combination of flavor, affordability, warm atmosphere, and super service. This should top your list. Ajay Goyal ordered us a "globjob" here. That's what he said: "Boss-- four

D E All Major Credit Cards Accepted L I Open; 12.00 -- 24.00 hr V E R ChOiCe is Yours!!! Y FREE HOME DELIVERY FREE HOME DELIVERY

Buisiness Lunch Banquets

H O M E

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5/31/02 14:09

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MAKE WAY FOR UTKA

By Danny Schwartz

It is interesting, symbolically, that Laura Bush chose to read Make Way for Ducklings to a group of what looked to be 10-year-olds in a Moscow library last Friday. Her choice was no doubt the product of long deliberations aimed at finding an accessible book for a group of young English students that would at once seem non-ideological and have clear ties to the end of the Cold War, arms control and the Bush dynasty. Make Way for Ducklings, you will remember, first appeared on the geopolitical scene during waning days of the USSR, when Barbara Bush presented Moscow with a carbon copy of some duckling sculptures waddling in Boston's Public Garden to commemorate START I. After the ducks were stolen for scrap metal a couple of years ago, State Street Bank and Kimberly Clark supplied new ones, which can still be seen in Moscow's Novodevichy Park. The First Lady's choice was ill informed for a number of reasons. These little snots were obviously carefully selected from Moscow's elite English schools and must have been bored stiff by a book that targets three-year-olds. (The plot, roughly, is that a policeman helps ten ducks cross the street.) What was meant to be a gesture of friendship in fact serves to demonstrate to Russia's future ruling class that an illiterate country ruled by a condescending redneck monarch managed to whip Russia's ass. Besides, bringing up START I is dangerous: who could not think of it -- a treaty among equals -- favorably after witnessing Putin rolling over for a meaningless three-page document. I only mention this reading because this week I coincidentally happened to eat at a restaurant called UTKA PO-PEKINSKI (Peking Duck). In Moscow there are no less than two restaurants that go by that name -- one is relatively new and stands prominently on Tverskaya. The other is tucked away at the back of the Chinese supermarket at the end of Novyi Arbat. You would never find the latter without knowing about it. The Tverskaya Duck, which has ducks swimming around the restaurant, is wildly expensive and mediocre, taking after Bush's propensity for symbolism over substance; the other Duck turned out to be a rare treat in Moscow -- a fantastic Chinese meal. The restaurant, as I said, is in the back right of the supermarket, through a rather unclean stairwell. The decor inside is rather unfortunate, with a derelict Styrofoam fountain as the main feature and faux-beaux arts ceiling panels ready to plummet. But, on the plus side, it is the only Moscow Chinese restaurant I know where Chinese actually go to dinner. The logical thing to order at Utka would be, of course, duck. There are several options, all reasonably priced for the amount of food provided -- over two kilos of Peking duck costs $50, and 2 kilos of the crispy duck goes for $35. The extras (cukes, hoisin, pancakes) are together an additional $5. I didn't try any of these dishes, though, as my meager budget constrained me. I opted instead for a selection from the main menu. Forgive me if I misremember the exact names of the dishes -- on the bill everything is written in Chinese. And don't be put off by the inept translations on the menu (like "shabby pork"); it goes with the territory. Our meal started with the hot and sour soup ($3) and chicken corn soup ($3). Neither were quite what I was hoping for, with the hot and sour having everything texturally but no spice or tartness; the corn soup was watery and bland. However, any fears that Utka was dumbing down its food for the Russian palette were quickly dispelled when our first course arrived. The giant portion of fried eggplant ($5) was made exactly as I wanted, with bell peppers, spongy fungi and a thick, sweet soy sauce. Our main courses continued the winning streak. Just ordering the stripped pork with fish taste ($12) is a vote of confidence in a restaurant. But how often do you actually enjoy this dish with its oftbutchered name? This dish used perfect proportions of fish oil so as neither to overpower the pork with a fishy smell or simply have it fade into oblivion. Besides, a liberal amount of hot pepper in the dense sauce and the tender bamboo shoots made this dish outstanding. The cubed spicy chicken ($12) was also stellar -- it was a General Tsao's, with peanuts, fiery peppers, bell peppers and other good stuff in a flawless sauce. If you are not used to spice, beware of the innocuous-looking bits of red pepper floating around. A bowl of sticky rice costs $1. I didn't drink owing to my current course of antibiotics, but the jasmine tea is free, unlimited and the waiter makes sure it never gets cold. From the very get go, Utka clearly isn't the Moscow norm for Chinese joints, the kind satisfied having a girl from Calmitia wait tables. Here, the servers are Chinese, the guests are Chinese... we even saw a back room filled with Chinese lounging on Chinese couches apparently smoking Chinese opium. Seriously. What else can I say? This place rocks.

hearty house red. The asada and chorizo has got balls, baby. Homey wood interior makes for a nice setting on winter evenings. Jeers: Steaks prepared with enough salt to mummify a good-sized rhino. And just wait until you try the fries. Lionel Tannenbaum expressed disapproval with their wide variety of internal organ meats. M: Krasniye Vorota; Paveletskaya Phone: 923-1098; 953-2876 Address: Bolshoy Kozlovsky per. 3/2; Zatsepsky val 6/13 Hours: noon - midnight Hola Mexico! $$ Cheers: eXile alert! Try the business lunch! We got black bean soup, flautas and something else for 200R! Nachos still pretty good, waitresses still pretty busty. Pork burritos back in mid-season form. Sergio the Latin dancer says the chili is "muy bien." Good place to avoid conversation with a boring date. Nice $5 margaritas, and the glasses aren't oversalted. Hot negro walks around offering tequila shots from her holster. Also try the burritos and quesadillas. Jeers: Black bean soup's 15 minutes of fame are up--it actually has chunks of frozen brussels sprouts and cauliflower in it! Foo! Empty as a Belarussian's bank account. Fellas, ever heard of advertising? "Salsa" on nachos means a sliced cherry tomato served with a side of tabasco. Waitresses sometimes forget there's a back room. Bands still too loud. M: Kuznetsky Most Phone: 925-8251 Address: Pushechnaya ul. 7/5 Hours: noon - 5.00 Pancho Villa $$ Cheers: Ai caramba! Pancho V offers Moscow a few choice Mexican items that make it worth a visit: the lamb soup (R180), the burrito (R285) and the cheesecake (R120). That's all you need. Enchiladas are also tasty, if smallish. You won't get budget-priced Mexican food like this anywhere in the CIS. They also serve authentic snobberific blue agave tequila. Toilet plays weird soundtrack when you go in. Now has everyday breakfasts. Jeers: Avoid the skimpy chips `n salsa--go for the Nachos for only a couple bucks more. M: Smolenskaya Phone: 241-9853 Address: Stary Arbat 44/1 Hours: 24 hours !!! NEW Pinchos $$ Cheers: New Spanish place gets props just for being there. Huge selection of pinchos make for great bar food. Seafood paella (R1300) as good as you're likely to find in Moscow and can easily feed 5-6. Jeers: The Russian chef may have mainly trained in Spain, but he still uses way too much granulated ass. Way over-cooked 1/2 of our grilled pork chops (R320); if you're going to be predictable and order the gazpacho, you'll regret it. Heart burn central. Weird white wine sangria takes the whole experimental thang too far. M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 200-54-76 Address: ul. Bolshaya Bronnaya 27/4 Hours: noon - midnight Santa Fe $$$ Cheers: Full of handsome New Russian types; large bar area serving up wicked drinks. Chef hails from East LA, which should tell you something good. Once you're through here, you can head around the side to Hippopotum, and breathe your salsa breath on someone you love. Jeers: Food lacking in substance, though not in pricing. M: 1905 goda Phone: 256-2126 Address: Mantulinskaya 5/1, str. 6 Hours: noon - 02.00 !!! NEW

Hours: noon - 5.00 Na Melnitse $$ Cheers: Another of those old-style New Russian joints with quaint woodsy interior and "classic" cuisine, but the real reason to come here may just be the variety of mixed green salads for around $6, including a superb (and quite massive) fresh spinach salad with pine nuts for just $5.50. Nice pirozhki and borshch, delectable vareniki with cherries, rock solid (not literally, of course) cranberry mors. Garderobshchik in period garb hands you a little imitation flour sack in lieu of the usual coat-check tag. Jeers: Vareniki with mushrooms way overpriced at $11. Haphazard, vulgarly arranged "elite" liquor table in the center of the room offends even our crass, suburban-bred sensibilities--when will these mud people learn? They won't let you eat the live pheasant. We wish the coffee were just a little bit better. M: Krasniye Vorota Phone: 925-8890 Address: Sadovaya-Spasskaya ulitsa, 24/50 Hours: noon - midnight

you back to the days of "sick old man of Europe" empires. Quaint lamps, large choice of desserts. Good caps, mini-quiche pies. The first truly post-modern toilets in Russia: see-through toilet seats and chrome base allow you to view every previous miturator's droplets. Good service. Jeers: Recent trip yeilded no coffee, as the mashina was out of order. That's like a Russian dish without dill; a bagel without cream cheese; an Indian without a convenience store. "Moscow-Berlin" name could be a cover plot by German government to infiltrate and annex Moscow. After all, those Germans still need their liebensraum. M: Belorusskaya Phone: 251-7963/-2282 Address: Ploschad Tverskaya Zastava 52/2 (to the right of Yakitoriya, across from the train station) Hours: 24 hours Orange $ Cheers: A pleasant spacey new age atmosphere and a location that couldn't be more central are all the reasons you need to checkout this coffee and tea bar. Inexpensive Caesar and Greek salads are more than passable. The booze is cheap, too. Impressive array of finger food appetizers will give you a prenatal deja vu of your parents in a 1950s basement rec room. Jeers: Now that we're mostly clean, this whole caffeine thing is getting old real quick. Could be a bit too much faux-civilized Westernization for some tastes. M: Ploshad Revolutsii Phone: 238-2737 Address: Teatralnaya pl. 5/2 Hours: 10.00 - midnight Publika $ Cheers: Finally, a decent cental alternative to Coffee Bean. Pleasant atmosphere and--GASP!--good service!, with exposed brick and cloth coffee bean sacks pinned to the ceiling. Tasty pot o' french press coffee (order Brasilian Santos) for 120R, good cheesecake and other desserts at Val-U prices. Large menu of drink, coffee, tea options, including all kinds of teas we've never heard of. Copper-walled bathrooms a first in Moscow. Jeers: Watch out for that plum and bacon finger food. Its taste is entirely unidentifiable (and we don't mean that in a good way). M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 299-0289 Address: Maly Putinkovsky pereulok 1/2 Hours: 10.00 - 24.00 Soleil Cafe $ Cheers: Sacre bleu! The sweets have just gotten tastier, making this our reluctant favorite cafe in Moscow, even if it is Euro. Magnilicous praline bear claw, huge tasty bread pudding with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, perhaps Moscow's yummiest cheesecake, and just about the only caf coffee that doesn't taste like leaky v---a. Moreover, now the Paveletskaya outlet will soon be featuring an eXile stand. Super cheap sandwiches (less than R100) among the best lunches around for "people on the go". Maybe the only coffee shop in town that doesn't deserve to be hit by an errant U.S. daisy cutter. Killer desserts and pastries single best way known to man to go on an economical date and still get laid. Jeers: Made us take out the Wines pie reference. Peak hours can be like a press conference with free food. Mushroom soup experience completely forgettable. What's with all the mayo on the salads? Aggressive tray-wielding office peons who watch Poslednyi Geroi obsessively dine here and could snap at any moment. M: #1: Tsvetnoi Bulvar; #2: Paveletskaya Phone: #1: 725-6474/5; #2: 937-0531/2 Address: #1: Sadovaya-Samotechnaya 24/27; #2: Paveletskaya ploshchad 2/1 Hours: 8.30 - 23.00 (weekends 10.00 - 23.00) Yunikon $ Cheers: A student cafe with super-low prices for coffee, tea, and some more substantial menu items. We haven't been there yet, but it's said to be cozy and comfortable, with decent food and coffee. More to come... Jeers: We don't really know what to jeer about this place quite yet, but for starters, it's probably safe to assume that there are too many students and studious people in general hanging around having intellectual conversations. M: Ploshad Revolutsii Phone: 925-4268 Address: Nikolskaya 15, at the Russian State Humanitarian University Hours: Noon - midnight Zen Coffee $ Cheers: New branch works all night! Coffee no longer tastes like leaky vagina. Pastries do a damn fine job looking fresh. All the girls who work here seem to have the same breasts and bras. You can order coffee in those French press things, which impresses people. Jeers: They have that business casual thing going on. Could they have thought of a lamer name? M: #1: Okhotny Ryad; #2: Belorusskaya Address: #1: Ul. Bolshaya Dmitrovka 5/6 (actually on the Kamergersky Pereulok promenade just down from Tibet Kitchen); #2: Ul. Lesnaya 1/2 Phone: #1: 292-5114; #2: 234-1784 Hours: #1: 8.00-23.00, Fri: 8.00-1.00, Sat, Sun: 9.00-1.00 ; #2: 24 hours

mediocre Mideast restaurant. All the kebabs come in the exact same tomato-pasty sauce. Being cheap is no excuse for sucking. Baba ghanoush (R120) heavily flavored with ass. Gin Tonic (R130) lacks gin and tonic. M: Park Kultury Phone: 246-40-53/-29-51 Address: ul. Timura Frunze 11 Hours: 12.00 - 04.00 U Yuzefa

29.05.02 13.06.02

www. exile. ru

#10/142 P.17

$$$ Cheers: Bills itself as a Jewish restaurant; one of the early private restaurants. Jeers: The continued existence of this restaurant may be why Russians are growing increasingly anti-Semitic. M: Paveletskaya Phone: 238-4646 Address: Dubininskaya ul. 11/17 Hours: 12.00 - 24.00

$$$$ Cheers: Don't let the $$$$ fool you--the $56 per head pricetag includes absolutely all U can eat and drink (except for so-called "rare" wines). Luxurious yet welcoming 19th century interior, endless old-style appetizers, 2-portion main menu that changes daily, and totally smokin' samogon make this a perfect to take your folks or other out-oftowners. Dapper, 7-foot-tall host displays appropriate sexism in doling out the samogon. The homemade cranberry mors is pretty damn special, too. Special themebased smaller rooms for more intimate occasions. Jeers: Unfortunately, the design is based on closet fascist Mikhalkov's movie version of the Goncharov novel--NatsBols may not be welcome. Our production manager thought Oblomov was written by Dostoevsky. M: Ulitsa 1905 goda Phone: 255-9290 (1-day advance reservations recommended) Address: Ulitsa 1905 goda 2 (upstais from Mao) Hours: 19.00 - 24.00 Red Square $ - $$ Cheers: It just doesn't get any more centrally located than this; outstanding old-style Russian cuisine in an intimate atmosphere. The kind of borshch you wish your mother could make. Four-cornered kulebyaka revives warm memories of Gogol and hypochondriacal insanity. Ya gotta love that black bread ice dessert. Top-notch mors and kvas helps restore the faith of old-timers who find themselves succumbing to Russophobia. Ludicrously servile staff really gets into character. Low, curvy ceilings make for quality eavesdropping on idiot tourists. Jeers: Those idiot tourists can be depressing. Lower level bar features second-rate jazz. Kato from Tulio's is a fan. M: Ploshchad Revolyutsii Phone: 925-3600 Address: 1 Krasnaya ploshchad Hours: noon - midnight Shinok $$$ Cheers: This is the ultimate S&M Ukrainian dining experience. Seating is arranged around a massive windowed terrarium that houses chickens, roosters, a pony, sometimes a cow, and... you'll never guess... a real live peasant girl! Oh boy, is it sexy, folks. She sits quietly and obediently on a bench beside the pony, plain, pale, meek... While you feast on royal portions of superb golubtsy, borscht, varenniky and a selection of fish and meat dishes that range in price from $15 to $30. Even the waitresses are sexy and serene. Jeers: Too expensive for Ukrainian food, especially when you consider it's not much better than Korchma. You might wind up sitting next to a loud, disgusting Texan trying to woo his plain mail-order bride, or a table of cell-phone tagging molls. M: Ulitsa 1905 Goda Phone: 255-5963 Address: Ulitsa 1905 Goda (across the street from the Mezh) Hours: noon - midnight Taras Bulba Korchma $ Cheers: The perfect answer to your hangover blues... looking at the complimentary baseball-sized lump of sala usually is enough to sober up. A super budget option with all your Ukrainian faves at prices anyone can afford. Goluptsi so good, you might burst into tears. Vareniki and borshch like mama used to make. Good service, even. Seems to be popular with quasi-thug types. You can call it "Taras Vulva" and people will laugh. Tasty mors, split pea soup. Jeers: Annoyingly quaint interior. Potato pancakes drenched in cheap oil. Waiters wear depressing straw hats like Judge Reinhold in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. You'll have to tell your khokly jokes some place else. M: Chekhovskaya Phone: 200-6082 Address: ulitsa Petrovka 30/7 (stroyenie 1) (and other places) Hours: noon - 23.00 Korchma U Pletnya $ Cheers: Biznis lunch comes with a free shot of horilka and a butter soaked blinichik! Get to see your waiter in humiliating ethnic costume. Jeers: Service that sucks you in and then leaves you hanging. Pampushki that come with borsh reminiscent of rabbit droppings in size and consistency. All meat products taste like sawdust. So cheap they charge for bread (R10.20!). M: Pavaletskaya Phone: 951-62-75 Address: Sadovnicheskaya ul. 77, str. 1 korp. 2 Hours: noon - 24.00

Steppe

Kish-Mish $ Cheers: Who'd a thunk you could put so many Uzbek ingredients in the salad bar?! Reliable, tasty, accessible: a new standard for Uzbek food on the New Arba!. High funny-hat factor. Cheap prices for ol' Uzkbek standbys like plov (105R), which is properly greasy and garlicky, samstovy (55R), manty (105R for two big dumplings). 45 rubles for .5l Baltika. Jeers: They look at youfunny if you eat with your hands. Kimmelman had nothing to say about the waitress' ass. Portions skimpy, salad bar now costs R170. Door thugs recall President Karimov goons. M: #1: Arbatskaya; #2: Berrikadnaya Phone: #1: 291-2010; #2: 202-1085 Address: #1: Novy Arbat 28; #2: ul. Barrikadnaya 8/9 Hours: 11.00 - midnight Posledniye Dengi $ Cheers: Dirt-cheap cafe serving a tasty mix of Uzbek and Georgian specialites. Solid plov, kharcho, and the like. 90-ruble business lunch comes with a free beer. Waitresses look like Molly Ringwald and/or have impressive racks. Jeers: Depressing interior and color scheme reminiscent of children's furniture sold at IKEA in the mid-1980s. Loud, shitty music at all times; live music and karaoke during the evenings. Becomes a "disco" after 2 a.m. M: Kita-Gorod Phone: 924-8812 Address: Lubyansky proyezd 25/1 Hours: 11.00 - 6.00

Kwik Eatz

Burger Kveen $ Cheers: Look, you've gotta give these guys credit for staying in business. With food this horrific, they must be great businessmen.This may well be the single worst fast food restaurant in the known world. Should be renamed E. Burger Coli. Jeers: Russia's population declining by about 300,000 people a year, which means a lot of people are still trying the food. They were stupid enough to run ads in the eXile. Their food is so awful that even the cashiers look like they have hepatitis. M: Arbatskaya Address: Nikitskaya 24 Hours: 11.00 - 02.00 Hot Smile Pizza $$ Cheers: The four cheese pizza was super, crust just right. Russian staff went ga-ga over the Georgian sandwich and Mediterranean salad, and, well, it was an all-around hit. So go ahead, folks: give `er a whirl! The spicy chili pizza had authentically spicy toppings. Fried Mozzarella sticks ($4.95)Cheese pizza only $14.00. Snazzy menus. Jeers: Our first order with them was kind of a disaster, but to be fair, these folks gave it the "customer's always right" thing and our next delivery was top-notch. Pricey for what you get. Phone: 230-9323/-9388 Hours: 10.00 - 23.00; Sat, Sun: 11.00 - 23.00 Jack's $$ Cheers: eXile alert! They continue to make the eXile pizza upon request, even though it's not on the menu any more. We shit you not! Killer Brownies and chocolate chip cookies never fail to impress. Chicken club pizza sounds gross, but tastes sinfully good. Canneloni got a solid thumb-up from our sales guy.Frequent customer deal (buy 6 pizzas, get one free) takes some of the bite out of the high pices.Huge salads and tasty sandwiches. Jeers: There should be a law prohibiting pizzas from getting called "The Hampster"; it sounds like it could give you AIDS. Salmon sandwich. Sometimes Sundays can be suckdays, as consistency wanes. Heed our advice: don't order the Taco Salad. It should be called "Shit Salad." Roll-ups aren't all they're cracked up to be. Still too expensive. Phone: 956-6196 Hours: 9.00 - 22.00 Johnny The Fat Boy $ Cheers: Jay upgraded the upstairs kitchen, meaning delish greasy stoner food for cheap-O 7-11 prices. Good place to take your provincial date, who'll think it's "klass" and won't bust your wallet. Afterwards, head downstairs into Moscow's happeningest disco. $2.50 eggs, toast, and bacon plate is perhaps the cheapest edible breakfast option in town. Jeers: VDs from Papa Johns sometimes infect the food. The burrito has a little too much of a cafeteria quality to it. Sandwiches have improved, but are still inconsistent--a recent Philly cheesesteak left much to be desired; we always thought the name of the chain was Bob's Big Boy--there's something fishy here. M: Turgenevskaya Phone: 755-9554 Address: 22 Myasnitskaya Hours: 9.00 - 23.00 (until 6.00 weekends) Call Valentina at 151-4688, fax us at 151-4670, or email us at [email protected] to give or receive more info.

Nazi

Pivnushka $$ Cheers: Intricately detailed woodsy bi-level beer hall with an Austrian chef and a Bavarian menu that's surprisingly inventive, not to mention surprisingly affordable. Caesar salad and lentil soup are both solid. Fried camembert with currant jam is unlike anything in town. Super beer selection with delicious Paulaner coming soon; 2-for-1 happy hours daily from noon to 1 and 5 to 6 p.m. Jeers: You never know when some drunken German is going to break into earsplitting song. M: Leninsky Prospekt Phone: 952-5567 Address: Leninsky prospekt 28 Hours: 12.00 - 6.00 d ate Vremya Est' Upd $ Cheers: Basically this is City Grill for half the price and none of the nouvelle yuppie baggage. Great selection of bottled beer including Tsing Tao (85R), Belgian, and yes, Baltika (45R for 1/2 liter). Top-notch Kraut beers and alarmingly authentic schlager music will make you think you're at Oktoberfest. Jawohl! Jetzt wird's gebumst! Quality milkshakes for 45R. New Stolichny Salad (75R/135R, depending on size) and the leafy Dachny Salad (65/95) do the job. Huge pork chop with cheese topping and garnir for only 175R is a winner. Lunch specials, soups. Jeers: eXile editors suffered through agonizing interview with Om magazine correspondent here. Lunch special portions are considerably smaller and include vile pickled salads. Cute woodsy back-to-Russia interior may just be as annoying as City Grill's wannayuppiebe schtick. M: Belorusskaya Address: Lesnaya Ulitsa Hours: noon - midnight

Semites

Marrakech

!!! NEW

Seafood

Crab House $$$ Cheers: Some say the king crab (when they have it) and lobster are still pretty good. Still has that fun metallic multi-level interior. Jeers: The famously stingy Lionel Tannenbaum ate only a single bite of each item during a recent business lunch escapade. This place is a pale shadow of its former self. Depressingly deserted most of the time; watery, barely unfrozen carapaccio, grilled fish that's over-salted and just plain sucks. Impossibly bland clam chowder and probably the worst Caesar salad in town. Expensive and shite. Starvin' Ivan is said to be making reservations for one here in the near future. M: Okhotny Ryad Address: Tverskaya 6 Phone: 292-5360 Hours: noon - 6.00

Russian

Bochka $$$ Cheers: The blini and pork and chicken shashlyk, as well as the service, were of particular joy to Mr. Snideman. Low-lit wood and brick interior is extremely inviting; good service; great salads and vareniki. The turkey shashlyk (it's not on the menu, but ask for it anyway) is superb. Jeers: Located in the middle of nowhere; often crowded with hordes of New Russians with cellphones permanently attached to their ears. The bull-onthe-pit Friday nights isn't all it's cracked up to be. Best to stick to the menu items. M: Ulitsa 1905 goda Address: ul. 1905 goda 2 Phone: 252-3041 Hours: 24 hours Cafe Pushkin $$$ Cheers: If you've got the dough, all-in-all the most impressive "haute rus" cuisine. Excellent reconstruction of a pre-Revolutionary building, four floors of restaurant seating. Food and service superb. Black caviar with bliny ($23) melts in your mouth. Excellent solyanka ($9), pelmeni, and main courses. Jeers: The ultimate in bourgeoisie retro. Packed full of quasi-cultured Russian bobos and foreigners with sluts. Why pay this much for local food? M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 229-5590 Address: Tverskoi bulvar 26A Hours: noon - midnight Drova $ Cheers: This buffet-style mecca for coupon-clipping eXpats has rapidly become a nerd herd favorite. Offers $4 lunch specials and $9 all-you-can-eat from a large, large selection of Russian food and even sushi. Decent pork offerings, soup. Prompt (self) service. Jeers: The sushi tastes like Putin's sweaty balls. Salads are atrocious unless mayonaissed. Inedible pirozhki, vomit-like sweet-n-sour chicken, chebureki taste like Kursky Vokzal rejects. You couldn't pay us $9 to eat this crap. Cheap-O couponclipping eXpats love it. M: Turgenevskaya Phone: 925-2725 Address: Myasnitskaya ul. 24 Hours: 24 hours d ate Dyadya Vanya Upd $$ Cheers: Like the Kremlin and the boat ride on the Moskva reka, this is an easy place to entertain visiting friends and relative without having to strain yourself and think of something creative. They make a mean pelmeni. Big mountain of beats without undue smetana or black plums. Good at all those cliched Russian dishes. Jeers: eXile alert! More expensive and worse quality than rumors make it out to be. Anything vaguely deviating from traditional Russian food tastes like old shoe leather. M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 232-1448 Address: B. Dmitrovka, 17 Hours: always Mesto Vstrechi $$ Cheers: One of Moscow's best mid-range, low-key options, attracting a smart young crowd. Cellar atmosphere, tasteful music that doesn't blow your eardrums out, and topquality food at a great Val-U. Salmon carpaccio is a salmon-lover's treat. Try the gumbo soup, pork ribs, and the eggplant appetizers. 3-course Biz lunch special said to kick hind. Chicken fried in a curry sauce was huge, juicy, and packed full o' flavor. Jeers: Name may be hard for USAID people to remember. Lots of wood everywhere. M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 229-2373 Address: Maly Gnezdnikovsky per. 9/8

$$ Cheers: Saalam! A Morrocan restaurant has finally opened! Jeers: Allah Akhbar! It blows! A fatwah should be issued against the propietors and cook. In a word, this place sucks camel dicks. Dull and flavorless food. Waitstaff tries to be helpful, but unfortunately doesn't know their couscous from a hole in the ground. M: Chekhovskaya/Pushkinskaya Phone: 200-3956 Address: Strastnoi bulvar 4 Hours: 11.00 - 23.00 Sindbad $ Cheers: Killer hummus (R120) is worth making the trip for, even if it is the only edible thing on the menu. No suicide bombers, although there was a shooting outside here last year in which 3 flatheads got iced. Jeers: Has the decor of a mediocre Chinese restaurant even though it's a

Seattle

5 Fly $ Cheers: Cute, bored waitresses pose as mannequins in the picture windows late at night. When the masses at Propaganda get to you, you can chill here for a while. Sweets fresh even at three in the morning. Claim to have real fresh hot chocolate using Italian chocolate (55R). Jeers: Their "macchiato" ain't no macchiato. Bland dorkadent interior with five Russian pop songs on an endless loop. No liquor license yet. M: Kitai Gorod Phone: 923-3351 Address: Pokrovka 4 Hours: 24 hours d ate Coffee Bean Upd $ Cheers: eXile alert! New Kuznetsky Most location is much more efficient than either of the other two, and yummier also! Some day we'll tell you where it's located...say, when they put a new ad in our paper? New Tverskaya location more popular than Survivor. The first Seattle-style coffee shop in Moscow; jumbo capuccinos, tasty torts, lots of faux brick, wine by the glass. Sells the best coffee, aromatic and otherwise, in Moscow. Jeers: Pokrovka location woefully understaffed by ridiculously pedantic gloom grrls who spend way too much time on each order. Distinctive leaky vagina flavor in American coffee may signal either quality fall-off, or adapting to Russian tastes. Dangerously high Friends/Reality Bites factor. No smoking. So authentically Seattle-esque that you may inadvertantly walk out with an eyebrow stud and not even know it. M: Big: Chistiye Prudy; New: Pushkinskaya; Newer: Kuznetsky Most Phone: B: 923-9793 Address: B: Ulitsa Pokrovka 18; new: across from Luzhkov's office on Tverskaya Hours: 8.00 - 22.00 Coffee House $ Cheers: Trying to get that Starbucks' edge in Moscow, Coffee House offers what is said to be (we haven't been there yet...) quality coffee at slightly higher prices - you can even get it to go. One of the shining differences at this cafe is that you can have a variety of syrups added to your coffee (strawberry, nut, chocolate, caramel, and even banana syrup is available.) Jeers: As sources say, this place gets really crowded. Annoying size names follow in the Starbucks tradition. M: Pushkinskaya/Tverskaya Phone: 937-5494 Address: Tverskaya 16/2 Hours: 11.00 - 21.00 Moskva-Berlin $ Cheers: Snooty Central European-style coffee shop brought to you by the Mesto Vstrechi folks stands out from the budding Seattle-menace. Instead of the Fight Club-inspiring Swatch interior designs, this place attempts to take

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EX#142/04&18

5/31/02 13:15

Page 18

SHOW TIMES

aAll films shown in Russian, except those marked * (subtitled) and as otherwise indicated. AMERICA CINEMA Radisson-Slavjanskaya Hotel M: Kievskaya, 941-8747 (All films shown in English; Russian headphone translation available Tue.Sun.) Star Wars II May 30: 17.00, 19.30, 21.50; June 1 - June 2: 13.00; June 5: 17.00; June 8 - June 9: 13.00 Sin Verguenza June 1: 15.30, 19.30; June 2: 17.30, 21.30; June 3: 18.00, 21.30; June 5: 19.30, 21.30; June 6: 18.00; June 8: 19.00; June 9: 21.00 Hard Cash: Run for the Money June 1: 17.30, 21.30; June 2: 15.30, 19.30; June 3: 20.00; June 6: 20.00; June 7: 18.00; June 8: 17.00; June 9: 15.30; June 10: 19.00; June 12: 21.00 Showtime June 6 - June 7: 21.30; June 8: 15.30; June 9: 19.00; June 11: 21.00; June 12: 19.00 40 Days & 40 Nights June 7: 19.30; June 8: 21.00; June 9: 17.00; June 10: 21.00; June 11: 19.00 DOME CINEMA 18/1, Olympiysky prospekt M: Prospect Mira Tel. 931-9873 Star Wars II May 29 - May 31; June 1: 12.30, 15.30, 18.30, 21.30; 00.00; June 2: 12.30, 15.30, 18.30, 21.30; June 3 - June 5: 21.30; June 7: 17.00; June 8: 13.00, 18.00; June 9: 12.00, 17.00; June 10 - June 12 Spider Man June 3 - June 5: 19.00; June 8: 15.30; June 9: 14.30; June 10 - June 12 High Crimes June 3 - June 5: 19.00, 21.30; June 7: 20.00, 22.30; June 8: 21.00, 23.30; June 9: 20.00, 22.30; June 10 - June 12 35MM 47/24, Ul. Pokrovka M: Krasnye Vorota Tel. 917-5492 Love is the Devil May 29 - June 5: 9.30, 11.00, 12.40, 14.20, 16.00, 17.40, 19.00, 20.40, 22.20, 00.00; June 6: 9.30, 11.00, 12.40, 14.20, 16.00, 17.30 Pinero June 6: 22.00, 00.00; June 7 June 12: 9.00, 11.00, 13.00, 15.00, 17.00, 19.00, 20.45, 22.30, 00.15 SPORTLAND -- MOVIE RESTAURANT Novy Arbat, 21 Metro: Arbatskaya Tel: 291-2041 (Free Entrance) Football Blomers* May 15: 13.00 Brazil - Argentina - Uruguay* May 16: 13.00 Italy - Germany - England* May 17: 13.00 The Best Goals From The Italian «Seria A» Part 1* May 20, 23: 13.00 The Best Goals From The Italian «Seria A» Part 2* May 21, 24: 13.00 XXth Century Goalkeepers - Lev Yashin* May 22: 13.00

What Crime?

By Dan Higgins

Dan Higgins'

PARIS--You know, life in Paris isn't all it's fucking cracked up to be. I mean, once you figure out that all these fucking surrender monkeys actually all fucking talk English, life here loses some of its charm. What the fuck kind of country runs around pretending not to understand you when they all start learning English around the time they learn to wipe their perfumed asses? I guess the same sort of fucking place that thinks some fucking old piece of trailer trash who drove a tractor into Mickey D's is a hero. Not like they don't all fucking love McDonalds--it's just that they're pissed that all the fucking frog bitches now have elephant asses. Weird ass globalized motherfuckers. But that's not the fucking point. The point is that while Kino Kevin's spending all his fucking time trying to head over the border to those Canadian whorehouses, they've asked me to cover his fucking ass. So I went to go see this movie HIGH CRIMES, which should be arriving in Mudville any fucking day now. Hollywood apparently considers France more Second World than Moscow, because movies usually come here first. And, you can actually understand them because the one fucking thing these Frogs do well is having subtitles. It's not like in fucking Russia where you walk into a theater only to find Darth Vader going on about the fucking force in fucking Russian. I mean, the subtitles are fucking annoying, but it's a question of degrees. That's why I can review a flick for the fucking eXile from way the fuck over

Kino Korner

here. I guess I could do the same in the States, but fuck that. The first thing about this fucking movie is that it fucking sucks. That's first. I mean, who the fuck is this short fucking haired Ashley Judd bitch? Who'd she have to fuck to become a movie star, and didn't he have any better options among aspiring movie bimbos? I fucking would if I was a fucking producer. Shit, I do now. Then you get to wondering, why the fuck would anyone go to a movie with all that bullshit empowered woman lawyer/happy fucking homemaker bullshit? Are we supposed to think her fucking pig nose and bob are fucking cute? What the fuck? Then you've got your Morgan Freeman. Now, don't get me wrong--he's a fine fucking actor--but I want to know what the fuck is this bullshit with Freeman playing some fucking army lawyer? First we're asked to believe some bitch's a fucking famous high power lawyer, now we got a big shot black lawyer as well? Jesus fucking Christ, where are all the fucking Jews? Stick to being a slave or detective or something, Morgan. I mean, can anyone name a single fucking successful black lawyer? I mean, let Freeman play Clarence Thomas if he wants to get legal--there's a talented fucking lawyer who got himself off some pretty fucking intense charges. But Charles Grimes? What's next, raghead women surgeons and a fucking chink pope? The plot's just as fucking ridiculous as the

woman/Negro legal team. After an intro sex scene (no tits) about as erotic as a fucking family photo, Judd's husband (Jim Caviezel) is arrested for killing nine fucking Salvadorians fifteen years ago. El fucking Salvadorians? Whoa... aren't those the fuckers who make up the garden corps of the whole fucking US of A? Do you really think the FBI gives a shit about a few dead lawnmowers? As if they aren't more preoccupied with some towelhead planning to blow up the Hoover Dam. Besides, the dead dudes weren't even lawnmowers yet. Shit, if Caviezel didn't get `em, the Rio Grande would have. Was the FBI worried about its supply of Folgers or something? Caviezel convinces his bitch he's an innocent victim of a larger cover up, and she decides to represent him along with Freeman--who, by the way is a recovering alcoholic. How do they think this fucking shit up? I bet it's just a bunch of hymie writers too insecure to insert a fucking Jewish lawyer character. Now High Crimes enters into a whole bullshit conspiracy thing where all sorts of Army bigwigs are getting worked up about a couple of dead peasants who died in the American response to a supposed terrorist act that killed three American students in Mexico. Why we should care about a bunch of hippies slumming in Mexico is another fucking question entirely. So, the whole fucking time we're supposed to be enthralled by a bunch of fucks who got shot because another bunch of fucks got bombed. There's the whole basis of High Crimes. You're supposed to look at that fuck Caviezel like he's some sort of victim of the government. Meanwhile, we can't even hope for a decent fuck scene because the limp one in the beginning has already shattered all hope. Who's the fucking victim now? If it weren't for this fucking review, I would have walked out in the fucking middle and rented a skin flick or something. Freeman does some impressive detective work; two key witnesses disappear and shit is generally fucked. Eventually we learn the real scoop from some random Salvadorian taking some time off from picking lettuce. Caviezel's platoon threw the bomb that killed three hairy-legged Americans in a successful attempt to nail some terrorist fuck. But they fucked up killing the Americans and so they pinned

the explosion on the dead terrorist and staged an attack on a village to extract revenge. Who the fuck knows why they killed the peasants. Then Caviezel gets acquitted, for reasons that don't ever become clear. By now, I have no fucking idea what's going on. The missing witnesses turn up dead in Texas and Mexico, and Caviezel was in the same area as the dead dudes on the day each was murdered. So, pretty much Caviezel's guilty as fuck. Whoopdee-fucking-do. He's part of the fucking conspiracy. Why the fuck he would do that when it was his ass on the line in the first place is probably the biggest mystery of the film. That, and what the fuck I was watching it for. I mean, did Caviezel think getting

nailed for a couple of Salvadorians is worse than killing an American? Ultimately, Caviezel finds out that Judd has found him out, attacks the bitch, and she is saved by the lettuce picker, who we can only assume hopes to alfons on the rich fucking lawyer and maybe even get a green card. The fucking End. That's it. I don't know what we're supposed to fucking take away from this movie--maybe some affirmative action moral? Or that you shouldn't fucking see Ashley Judd in any fucking movie, because she won't take off her shirt, and you wouldn't fucking want her to anyway? I don't fucking know. This movie leaves you with more fucking questions than answers. Just like the fucking Frogs.

Continued from page 4

It took us a while, after the end of this phone call, to fully take in and appreciate the image of Mayor Masiello proudly showing off our cheesy home-drawn Photoshop knock-off letter to his staff... But we couldn't sit still for long: the ball, as they say, was in play. We had to think fast, and bring this thing to a head, before we were found out. Or so we thought. The next day, still in disbelief, we did the only logical thing: we went ahead and actually sent the Mayor a unicorn. We had a BEAST contributor in New York buy a pair of piece-of-shit, made-in-Taiwan, not-quite porcelain unicorns (one for us as a souvenir, and one for the Mayor), crudely inscribe the letters "J. Spader" on the side, and send one of them to City Hall from a Manhattan Post office. Two days later, a phone rang in the apartment of our Manhattan intern, whose number we'd used on our letterhead. Our intern was not home, but her roommate, who'd been briefed for this eventuality, quickly asked to take a message when she heard the voice of Matt Brown, calling to thank us for the gift! It was now time to bring Sam Weiss onto the stage. The next day we had Danielle call Matt Brown back and patch through the heavyweight senior TV producer-- actually our thirty year-old slacker co-editor Kevin McElwee, sitting at home smoking a Kool in a Bills t-shirt-- for a serious talk: BEAST: Mr. Brown! Brown: Hi, how are you? BEAST: Yeah, Sam Weiss here. Good talking to you. Brown: Good talking to you. I called your office yesterday to thank you for the, uh... unicorn. BEAST: Oh, you got that! Brown: Yes, that was really nice. BEAST: Yes, James Spader is a great man. He does some good stuff for us. We're very happy with him... Brown: That's very thoughtful, very thoughtful. The Mayor's in Albany today. He won't be back until tomorrow morning. Um, he, we received your letter. He's very interested in participating. And would like to, uh, you know, we're just following your lead, for you to tell us how to proceed. BEAST: Uh, well, how did the Mayor feel about the general storyline? Brown: The storyline, he was very comfortable with it. The people in our internal staff kind of looked at it. You know everybody's psyched about it. They think it's great, great for Buffalo. [Eds. note: Great for Buffalo? How?] BEAST: Okay. Well, obviously, it's just in the planning stages, in terms of a script. If there's anything he'd feel uncomfortable about, we'd take that into consideration. Brown: Sure. BEAST: Well, that's great. Great to hear. Do you think that it would be possible to speak to the Mayor at some point? Personally? Brown: Certainly. BEAST: Yes? Brown: Certainly! BEAST: You say he'll be back tomorrow? Brown: Yeah. If there's a number where I can have him contact you. That number [that I called the other day], is that a good number to reach you at? BEAST: (nervously, unconvincingly) Not generally. Right now I'm travelling. Yesterday, I was held up at the island. And I'm heading down to the D.C. area today. Could you tell me a good time to call? I'll have my assistant conference me in. Brown: Um...Let's see, he's not back in Buffalo until ten... Why don't we say three o'clock? BEAST: Three o'clock. Brown: Right. BEAST: Okay. Shocked that it took so little time after our arrival to actually reel the Mayor in, we hesitated after this call, no longer sure of what to do. To give us more time to think, we invented a little accident for Mr. Weiss, hinting vaguely in our return call the next day that the senior producer had been involved in a ghastly car wreck and was now in traction. In the meantime, we asked if we could come by and pick up a head shot of the Mayor. Mr. Brown, in a voice that suggested that such requests were common, said by all means; we made a date for a "location scout" to pick up a photo at City Hall. Having been largely shut out of the acting, I dressed up as "location scout Geoff Winestock" and went over to City Hall two days later. While waiting in the Mayor's reception room for the photo to be delivered, I took out my cell phone and loudly conducted a pre-arranged conversation with "Mr. Weiss" on the other end of the line. The gist of the conversation was that our "star", James Pandolfini, a.k.a. Tony Sopranos, had rejected the Bradford bar on Chippewa as a location because "it was too light" and might make him look too fat on camera. "Too fat?" I shouted into the phone. "Who does he think he is, Joan Crawford? We can't do this scene in a basement!" After a few minutes of this, a door opened at the side of the room, and Mayor Masiello poked his head out. I was momentarily caught off-guard by the Mayor's height. A tall person and an ex-basketball player myself, I was dwarfed by the lanky exec, who drifted over to the receptionist's desk while I conducted my call and appeared to silently eavesdrop while pretending to rearrange some papers on her desk. Once the call was over, he went back into his office. They gave me the head shot and I went home. Sometimes the reason for pulling this or that practical joke is not so obvious. Sometimes it is. If you send George Bush a $1000 campaign contribution on Nazi party stationary and he cashes it, it's pretty clear what you've got and why you did it. But sometimes it requires pulling back and getting some perspective on things before the point of a joke really becomes clear. Think of it this way. If you're broke and you don't have a job and you've maybe got a child or a relative who's dying-- because the city is too busy negotiating casino deals with creeps from Southeast Asia and helping huge companies pay for their private palaces to give you health care-- well, you can try forever and a day to get a public official with any responsibility at all on the telephone, and you never will. Trust us; you wouldn't get past the receptionist. But if you call up and pretend to be a Hollywood big shot, and dangle a silly little part in a trendy gangster show... Well, you can fly in from halfway around the world without any friends or references at all in town, and you can have the Mayor of the city himself eating out of your hand in no time. You know what politics is? It's not a serious job anymore. It's show business for ugly people. And when real show business comes knocking, even in the form of a show that celebrates gangsters and racketeering, almost any of our leaders these days will drop his "day job" in a second for a chance at the real thing. On Tuesday, May 28, we got the Mayor on the phone. Mr. Weiss, we explained, had recovered from his accident sufficiently to conduct business, and wanted to speak to the chief. The resultant conversation was remarkable for its extreme awkwardness and for its many different paranoid undercurrents. But on the surface, it was exactly what we expected it to be: a Mayor of a major city abjectly expressing his desire to appear on television. It should be noted that the Mayor's receptionist offered to set up a meeting with the Mayor within fifteen minutes after we first called back. That was too fast for us; we made it an hour. When the time came, we pushed "Sam" back to the phone for the climactic call: BEAST: Hi, Mayor Masiello! Masiello: (bursting with enthusiasm) Sam, Tony Masiello! Mayor of the great city of Buffalo, New York! BEAST: Great to talk to you, sir. Masiello: My pleasure. And thank you very much for your interest in Buffalo and Western New York. BEAST: Absolutely, absolutely. [irrelevantly] So I understand that you got the unicorn that we sent?

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EX#142/20

5/31/02 13:59

Page 20

YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SEX MACHINE

Jake, I lived in Moscow for four years and finally got out this last December. I read the exile the entire time I lived there and continue to do so in the States. Out of all the exiles I have read, this article (From Chelni To Guantanomo.......) is hands down the best. I don't know if you guys get much positive feedback for you articles, so I just wanted to tell you it was excellent and I hope to read more like it. See, not all American women are fat, man-hating bitches! Kelli, Virginia USA Dear Kelli, If you're not a fat, man-hating bitch, then, like, uh, can we get a mpeg of your thin, man-loving American snapper? Or even just the jpeg -- that'll do nicely.

fax to

[sic]

FUDGE BACKER

245-1415

e-mail: [email protected]

Tel Aviv?... [What follows are several long-winded paragraphs, each containing about two or three rhetorical questions intended to make the reader really think hard. We'll spare you, the eXhole, the horror of it all--Ed.]. ...Thanks for all you do Joshua Banner Dear Mr. Banner, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz.

ed. Also, please can you tell me if the Fahkie factor is for pros or normal girls (if there are any) that just go out to get laid. What would be great in the paper is a "best place on each night" table. So people like me have an idea where to go. Does the face control mean that visitors just will not get in. No one wants to waste half a night in a queue then get turned away. Picking the wrong place on the wrong night/time could be a bad holiday, which could have been a great one. Thanks Nick Dear Nick, You know what? Instead of ripping on you in the tired, usual way, we're gonna come clean. We're starting to see a pattern here. Hard-working Western male nerds like yourself keep asking us for advice on how to come to Moscow to get laid. Ka-ching! Duh! It's taken us five years to get it, but maybe, just maybe, there's a business opportunity here. Investors? Potential clients? Lend us a hand here, we're a little slow when it comes to this business stuff.

baggy clothes and big chains around our necks and Jordans and sideways baseball caps and talk like black people going, "Yo nigga, sup?" "Nigga, you bettuh recognize!" "Yo, said w'sup!" Cuz that's what white people do. Word?

LEGAL BUNGHOLE

Hey guys, I don't know Who are you? And what is your goal??? But you need to know: Russia is Great country! If you will search silly girls, of course, you will found them (as in any country of the world). If you will search the wise girls,able to love, understand and make our difficult life more better, you will found them too ( and them is more than much!) So! You need to know as well: 1. in russian law You have not the right for inviting the kids (untill 18 y.o.) for any experiments!!! 2. if you have offer to be dead (possibly) after your experiments, it's unnormal. Do you agree? 3. if you love Russia, you must make our life more better, pure, interestinger. But not to promise be pushed out from 20-th floor!!! What you want??? What you search? I think you need to consultation of lawyers, if your goal is kind. Sincerely, Big Peacemaker Dear Ms. Peacemaker, Moe Snideman replies, "My client, Mark Ames, is fully informed of all the Russian Federation laws, procedures and civil codes pertaining to the age of consent, as well as any unforeseen and unfortunate accidents at or about his 20th floor window which may or may not occur through no fault of my client's. I object to the injurious implication in your letter and the pain and suffering that it may cause my client and his unreproachable reputation in the Moscow business community. You are testing the limits of both mine and my legal team's patience. I urge you to cease and desist, and to immediately enter your daughter or the nearest eligible woman in this contest, and ask that she or her legal guardian sign a full statement of release."

I noticed you responded to a letter from Paul "Fudge" Backer in the last issue in a way that suggested that you actually like him. Please cancel my subscription immediately...oh wait, I don't have a subscription. Funk Soul Brother Masta B. Dear Mr. B, We wouldn't have responded to him if it wasn't for the fact that he's now added a new title to his name. Who knows, some day he may even get a job. He may become, who knows, a telemarketer for cheap longdistance service phone cards, or a valet parking attendant at a midpriced restaurant in Wayland, Massachusetts. With all those titles, the whole world is his oyster. So it's best not to step on his toes.

CRACKHEAD

We try to figure out what happened in these fucking villages, eh? Where these buildings all blown up and we don't know if the peoples die, eh? Lemme tell you something about the real world, man. Does a blown off foot count as a person? Because then we run into accounting problems. I mean, if you look at the destruction... there are going to be alot of parts, and not so many bodies. Which leaves us with a serious problem... because how do we know that those parts came from innocent Palestinians in their homes who died... and not, say from sick martyrs that removed their limbs and planted them to up the body count? And what of double feet finds where no legs are attatched? It has been shown that a simple sneaker switch on one foot makes that two dead bodies, and not one. As you can see, we have a long way to go, and we'll probably never know if there was a massacre, because you can't trust any fact that has come within 10 feet of a person that may well be a Palestinian terrorist. Thats why Israel needed to have the right people on the UN fact finding mission... because to the wrong observer, two charred red nike's start looking like a burnt sienna Fila and a bloody Reebok. You never can tell with these guys. Thats why you need the right men for the right job. And clearly, the UN appointees knew nothing about popular athletic footware, and could not properly identify it in its charred state, or for that matter be trusted to not pull the old shoe switch themselves. The worst part of all of it, is that all those people who's homes were completely obliderated did survive, as we all know. And they all insured with a local guy, Bareef Nadeek, or Bareef's Sekuritat Ensoarance. Now you have 500 supposedly dead (and often shoeless) people, demanding large numbers of shekels that he just doesn't have to give. Bareef is a fucking stand up guy, you know. He doesn't wanna run out on these people... but the fact is, he also insured their lives. And these people are trying to collect on both policies. Its not good for Bareef's ulcer my friends, not at all. So fuck you Jewish capitalist fucks, with your reinsurers. Bareef has resorted to chewing calcium from the seashells his momma grinds him from the west bank, until this thing blows over and he can get some Tums. Sincerely, Peyomp Dear Mr. Peyomp, Would you like a job as an editor of an English-language alternative newspaper in Moscow? We're serious. Get Set! is looking for someone with your grasp of English grammar. We'll forward this on to Ajay. At the very least, he'd probably like to keep you in a cage outside of his apartment.

THE SMIRNII SCHENOKK

I am the published of www.ricn.ru - the Angry Dogg of Russian Internet. My website is a cross between FuckedCompany.Com, Consumer Reports, Wired.com & Playboy =) I wondered if we could do something together ( I get over 3000 visitors to my website a day). From top of my head I can think of a few things we can do: we can jointly advertise clubs and bars, create some noise about this and that you got the creative people in your paper - I got tons of visitors who can pay. If you are interested let's get together - I go to places like Real McCoy too =))) Sincerely, Yaroslav Grekov Dear Mr Grekov, From the top of our heads, we can think of a few things you can do as well. Like, for example, you can pull your hands out of your sticky underwear and take five minutes to air out your rank little studio apartment in Babushkinskaya, where you sit for days on end jerking off in chat rooms to aging British homosexuals posing as sixteen year old sluts from Alabama or Korea. How's that for a start? =)))

PARRRICIDE

Dear Matt Taibbi, Your offer was tempting, but I would never sell my father out for a job, not even with the eXile. The reason I'd never sell my father out for a job and you would is that I believe in God and you don't. And you know why I think you don't believe in God? Because you can't forgive your mother for letting go of your hand when the doctor told you that you had terminal meningitis. If there were a God, you thought, then she wouldn't have left you so alone in your hour of greatest need. Am I right? Yours, Dan Freedenberg Dear Mr. Freedenberg, Gee, now that you put it that way, we realize something. We realize that we're just plain wrong. We're bad people. Bery bery bad people. How could we have asked you to sell out your father? Your own flesh and blood? Your own balding, loser, failure of a father, who raised his kid "Dan" to be nothing but a hippie peace corps dropout who writes letters to a marginal Moscow newspaper begging for work? Yes, you have done your father proud, Dan. As for us...well, we're ashamed. We have some serious soul-searching to do, you betcha.

virulent form of hackdom. This is the Moscowbased western correspondent, who takes a 2 day trip somewhere outside the city and suddenly becomes an expert on that particular city/oblast/republic/country. Typically, the hack takes an isolated situation, interviews only a very select group of people and then makes far-reaching conclusions about that region/country or group. To my mind, this form of hackdom is even lower than most others b/c there is so little information about these places that even one article in a publication can have significant impact on the outside perception of that region. The hack becomes the voice of authority by default. In this case, our young wannabe hack wanders down to Tatarstan to discover that `radical muslims' are people too. At one point, Rudnitsky admits his ignorance of his subject, "I realized I'd never exchanged more than a few words with a religious Muslim before." That is a laudable admission, but then just a few paragraphs later, he states "I will say that everything he said about Israel, bin Laden, Chechnya, Afghanistan fell within the Muslim mainstream." So, in a matter of hours our good little scribe goes from never having met a pious Muslim before to being an expert on the opinions of the Muslim mainstream? What kind of writer does that? A hack. You people shit all over journalists who come to Moscow, sit in a McDonalds and draw sweeping conclusions about the bright future of Russia, but then you do the exact same thing when you get outside of Moscow: you draw sweeping conclusions on a subject you know virtually nothing about. Do yourselves a favor: cut the eXile's travel budget and spend the money on sluts and Viagra. At least you know enough about those subjects to write about them. Steve Schmida Dear Mr. Schmida, Hey, aren't you the one they call "The Schmida"? Yeah, you're "The Schmida Kid". The one who, ethically speaking, is a horse of a different color. As in, you ain't got any. Stop giving our man Jake the high hat here. He's too big for that now!

JOE MAMA

I've been reading your internet mag for a long time. I got the book as well. In that one part of the book, it's pretty weird how you guys were such cowards when you saw that black basketball player at a club, while with your writings you are very brave. Yup, that's strange. Anyhow, I just wouldn't feel right if I didn't email to tell you just how much I enjoy the stuff you write for the newspaper/website. I would also like to tell you that you are awesome and that you kick ass, and that your site is my favorite news source. However, I'm not gonna tell you any of this, because by doing so I would enable you to degrade, embarrass, humiliate and disgrace me on your sic page. (Notice how many words I know that have the same meaning? Is this what synonyms are?) So I'm not doing that. Also, I saw that Caddyshack scene with Bill Murray and completely agreed with your assessment of it. In conclusion, I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you continue for many more years to bring us high quality reads such as the chess section which I very much enjoy. Yours truly, Joe (in the attempt to remain anonymous i'm using a fake name) PS: Of course, I didn't say any of the above. Thus, I spared myself from sic page degradation, unlike hundreds of poor saps who just couldn't refrain from writing to you. Dear Joe, Nope, we're not gonna make fun of your letter. We actually liked it. It warmed the cackles of our farts. Seriously. These are tough times, Joe, so we're gonna takes the compliments as we gits `em. It's because of hardworking, simple, appreciatin', supersimple, down-to-earth, axle-greasecovered, overalls-wearin' folks like you that gives us the courage and inspiration to go out there day after day to put this publication out, and God willing, and with hard work and team effort, we'll be around for another five years just for you, Joe.

WIGGERSHKA

People...Niggaz... Whats goin on y'll. Exile is getin prettier, Mark damn you bastard is wantin to have a family, Moscow is lookin like London back in 80s ..shiiiittt. Wanna know what I think? We should kill of the damn Pakistanie shit heads in Moscow and get some real Chinese restourants too. Lemme remind youEuroVision Song Bullshit sucks big dick and never mind all the press. Premer-Ministr sucks too, so stay sweeeeeeeet niggaz Yellena Petrova Dear Ms. Petrova, We're not niggaz. We're white guys. That's "white," get it? We dance horribly, have stumpy units, and love it when black people make fun of us or tell us how much we've oppressed them for four or five centuries, cuz that's what white people do. One thing white people DON'T do is pretend that other white people are NIGGAZ. We're proud of our pink skin, our straight hair, our funny voices and inability to openly or warmly communicate with each other. We're proud of the fact that we sit quietly in movie theaters and don't talk to the screen, or that we wear

PSSST!

An employee of the American federal government has been selling documents related to a Chinese/North Korean collaborative weapons project to Boris Berezovsky. Publishing this uncorroborated allegation in the letters section of your paper will put an end to this activity. Your Friend Dear Mr. Friend, You're right about one thing -- the best way to stop government corruption and espionage at the highest levels is to print a crazed allegation in the [sic] letter section of the eXile! Next to 60 Minutes and Meet The Press, [sic] is the newsmakers' newsmaker!

TORAH! TORAH! TORAH!

Dear Mr. Ames, You don't know me from Adam [Yes I do, because Adam would never have bothered to write a letter to the eXile-- Ed.], but I read your website. If I wanted to learn about a country, I would certainly consider what cousins of mine living there had to say, but I wouldn't end there. I would talk to others, do reading, spend extensive time there. If Israel de-occupied the Gaza/Westbank, would Israel still be an apartheid state? Do your cousins know that the "apartheid Israel" concept was first invented in the Soviet Communist propaganda mills in l967? Was Israel designed to live on occupied Palestinian labor the way South Africa was designed to live on occupied African labor? Were your cousins' opinions based on a solid analysis of the facts, or were they expressions of what the Amish call prideful false humility? Which is to say, a display of their own superior morality through expressions of contempt for their country? The Sephardic Jews are the niggers of Israel? Have thousands of them been lynched from trees and streetlights in Jerusalem and

THE SCHMIDA

Guys, You are the biggest fucking hypocrites in the world. Half your rag is devoted to trashing various hacks, who write garbage about Russia, and then you have the nerve to devote more than a page to one of the worst bits of hackdom I have seen in quite some time. Jake Rudnitsky's "From Chelni to Guantanamo: Tatar City's Jihad Goes International" should have been titled "From Starlite Diner to Chaikhana: Moscow Scribe Discovers Life Exists Outside the MKAD." Rudnitsky's piece falls into a particularly

NICK AT NOT

Hi Mark I have purchased your Exile book and have been reading your Bar Dak guide. I am arriving in Moscow on Tuesday for a week. Please can you tell me if there are any good Exile nights that week, where expats are invit-

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Masiello: (not taken aback at all) Yes I did! Thank you very much. It's so nice of you. BEAST: Yes, James Spader is a great... a great fella. Masiello: (pained) Thank you, I appreciate it. BEAST: We just had a few questions... Masiello: Sure. BEAST: As far as setting up the production and the planning of the episode, really... Masiello: Great. BEAST: Just wanted to ask you a few things. Did you ever sing any Karaoke? Masiello: (laughs) No, I, uh... I can't sing a lick. BEAST: You don't play any instruments or anything? Masiello: No, I do not. BEAST: Huh. Masiello: (hopefully) I can dance. BEAST: You can dance? Masiello: Heh, heh, heh. BEAST: Well, we can all dance a little, I guess. Masiello: That's right. Is that needed? BEAST: (distracted by laughter in room, ignoring him) Um... what about squash or flyfishing, anything like that? Masiello: Uh...No, I played basketball in high school and college. I was in my college hall of fame for basketball... I was drafted by the Indiana Pacers BEAST: Really? Masiello: But I do not, um...I was not good at squash-- or fishing. BEAST: And what about golf? Masiello: Yeah, I play golf, but I stink. BEAST: Well, we can all be a little better. Masiello: Um, okay, I think that's probably just about it... At this point, Kevin was distracted because I was signaling to him to ask the Mayor about the casino deal... We wanted to see if he would be willing to expedite the building process so that we could shoot inside the new facility. As I was reminding him of this, Kevin simply ignored the Mayor's question about Sam's Italian relatives. Nonetheless, he waited patiently on the phone. Masiello: Hello? BEAST: Yes, yes. Well, we've been following this casino thing up there. When do you think this thing is going to be built? Masiello: Well, there's several issues that have to be resolved first. While it did pass the reservation vote, it has to go to the Bureau of Indian Affairs first for approval. Then there has to be negotiations with local developers and operators, along with the local municipalities of Buffalo and Niagara Falls. So you've got two facilities in both cities that we're looking to renovate as temporary casinos. And I think that's 6-8 months away. BEAST: Oh, really. Because we'd love to shoot in there. But I don't think it's going to be done... Masiello: No, I don't think it's going to be in time... BEAST: Right. Masiello: What do you expect of me? BEAST: Well, we'd like to make it sort of as fast as possible. It would probably be one or two days in all. Masiello: Oh, that's fine, I look forward to it. BEAST: And once we have a script. We've got a couple of other candidates we're looking at, but we're pretty excited about Buffalo, so... Masiello: Oh, that's great. Have you made a decision to do it in Buffalo? BEAST: No, we haven't made the final decision to do it yet. We're looking at a couple of other candidates. As expected, the Mayor at this point quickly let us know that he was willing to go the extra mile for the show: Masiello: Is there anything I can do to help in that process? BEAST: Um, not really. Really it's out of my hands. I'm just a producer. It's in the hands of the creative folks to really make the final decision about this stuff... Masiello: When do you anticipate this being done? BEAST: We want to make the decision sometime this week. Masiello: No, when do you think that the shooting should take place? BEAST: Um, the shooting we think would be later in the summer. So, probably August, something like that. At this point, the Mayor went off on a poetic digression. In the middle of this section, he is clearly reading from the letter we had originally written to him: Masiello: You know, it's interesting, in the letter you wrote me about the segment, you mentioned taking the "bewildered Tony" to Albright Knox. I live right next door to the Albright Knox gallery. BEAST: (totally unimpressed) Oh. Really. Masiello: Yeah, so....Um. BEAST: Yeah. I haven't been to Buffalo for a long time, myself, but I've seen the pictures. It looks like a lovely place. Masiello: Yeah, it is a great place. But you know, Buffalo being right next to Niagara falls, there's a lot of great older neighborhoods, a lot of great Italian neighborhoods. I think it will augment whatever you're doing. BEAST: Right. Right. (an unbelievably long and painful silence follows) Masiello: Okay. BEAST: So, like I said, we'll be making a decision later this week. Because we need to get rolling on the specifics of it. So we'll get back to someone in your office at that time. We'll let you know. Masiello: (ominously, perhaps just now catching on that the thing is a farce) I'm looking forward to working with you-- and meeting you. BEAST: Great. Masiello: Thank you. BEAST: Thank you. As the BEAST went to press, we were calling the Mayor's office to inform him that he'd been passed over for the part in favor of Graham Richard, Mayor of the great city of Fort Wayne, Indiana. Richard, we said, had agreed to appear shirtless for the show, and that was the deciding factor. We were glad we weren't there to hear how Tony M. took the news. But somehow we have a feeling-- we'll find out soon enough. At least we know now how the Mayor spends his time.

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SUMMER READING GUIDE

Dr. Dolan's List of What's Worth Reading

By John Dolan

1. The Best of All: Homage to Philip K. Dick I set out to praise really good writers in this column, and I'm finding it difficult. It's much easier to damn bad books than to praise good ones; you almost want to keep the best books to yourself, because the prospect of seeing them rejected--or worse, loved for the wrong reason--is so terrible. But even a reviewer who specializes in damning the bad has to praise the good, if only to show the standard the bad books fail to reach. There's a brief, happy phase in late childhood, after you've learned to master your body and keep your savage agemates at bay, when you begin to look excitedly around the world and choose your colors. It lasts only a little while; then the golden anvil of puberty is dropped on you from the 99th floor, and you're staggering around again like an idiot, your true tastes lost in the hopeless desire to like what the mean little coolsters like. I spent the hot summer afternoons of that brief late-childhood bliss at the Pleasant Hill public library, reading every science-fiction anthology I could find. Out of the hundreds of stories there were a half dozen which were burned into my head forever. I didn't know or care who wrote repeated taped phrases from famous speeches. Since Disney built the exhibit during the Centennial years, the star of the Disneyland audioanimatronic show was of course Abraham Lincoln. But the Lincoln in We Can Build You has as much in common with Disney's Lincoln as Disney's Anastasia has with those cold bones lying in Ekaterinburg. Dick's Lincoln is the real thing: a sad, brilliant figure who quickly sizes up the world in which he's been reanimated and becomes a sort of stoic Ann Landers for Louis Rosen, who's fallen in love with Pris, the brilliant girl who built Lincoln's artificial mind. The Lincoln simulacrum (and yes, Dick WAS using that term long before you lot ever read your schizophrenia in Dick's work. The term as he uses it has very little to do with the textbook definition. In this novel, there's an epidemic of schizophrenia, with vast institutions imprisoning huge numbers of Americans. Louis tries to avoid being scooped up into one of these, helped by the morose and kind figure of Lincoln, while pursuing Pris. Dick has no "ironic distance" from these events. If he had written with greater awareness of the absurdity (from a university perspective) of his plots, he would now be adored by the people who consider deLillo & co. great writers. But Dick, thank God, dropped out of Berkeley early, and never went back. He meant what he wrote, and though he's often comic, he's always very serious about what he's saying. It is a matter of life and death with him. And his seriousness is starting to look more and more reasonable. Like Stevens, Dick has only begun to become comprehensible, and grows more lucid with every decade since his death. His global warming (The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch), his email slackers (Galactic Pot-Healer), his recoveredmemory syndrome--these components of his world have already arrived, and the rest are on their way. He was no stylist, though--or so people say. Well, it depends on what you mean. If Faulkner is style, Dick is not--and neither is Defoe, or Dostoevskii. If style is snickering at your own plots, then Dick, thank God, is no stylist at all. But it's the stylists who are aging most alarmingly these days; it's hard to read them without impatience. Faulkner, Joyce, Woolf--all these names, on expensive bookjackets, are being flung across many a room these days. Dick wrote two or three great scenes per book. They're like arias, and he rationed them very carefully. His books are plot and dialogue; the great scenes are the payoff, and they come at the end. The Martian jackal, who looks "like a wizened grandmother," veers at the last second away from its prey, Barney Mayerson, and telepathically asks him, "I can't eat you. I'd be sick. You're unclean; can't you cleanse yourself some way?" The garrulous automatic cab tells the hero of Now Wait for Last Year tells the hero he's "a good man" for sticking with his malevolent, braindamaged wife, as it speeds him home in misery...there are a few such moments in each Dick novel, written as well, line for line, as any Joyce. But a book of great lines is a burden to the reader, and Dick saves them for the end. It made him unpopular with the Joycebred critics; but it will save him, when they and their idols are footnotes to the study of the Philip K. Dick era of English Literature.

I've made a list of the books I really treasure, and discovered something surprising: The "classics" I was taught at the university don't seem particularly interesting or impressive now. None of them make my list. They were literature for social climbers--books you could name with pride, whether you really loved them or not. Take Joyce. Is Ulysses a good book? I guess it is. I don't want to read it again. Dubliners was good--you'd pick it up and keep reading even if you never heard of the author--but Ulysses? You wouldn't read that except at college. Reading and trying to like Ulysses was like trying to like abstract painters: you could only do it if you remembered that these painters had started out painting some very good representational work. In the same way, you could only keep yourself reading Ulysses by reminding yourself that Joyce COULD write well when he wanted to, like he did in Dubliners. That excuse doesn't hold for some of the "classics" I read in the delusive excitement of young adulthood. Some were just plain bad. Virginia Woolf comes to mind here--a very bad writer, period. But most now seem simply dull, workmanlike writers, not bad but not worth remembering. Bellow, Styron--try-hards, white running backs with lotsa hustle and little talent. Beckett...a great writer, I guess, but I'd sooner chop weeds by the freeway than read him again. I feel the same way about many of the "great" Russians, like Byely. Petersburg is a great novel, they say...but I read it as homework, and that's all it ever was. Other great writers, read at first with a provincial's desperate desire to share the cool people's tastes, now seem repellent--so evil that the question of their talent doesn't even arise. Take Tolstoy--do the arbiters of taste still consider him a great writer? I don't keep track; all I know is that I despise him. I don't care if he's great. He gives me the creeps. The books that live most vividly in my mind now are the few I loved on my own, before the universities told me what to like. That's why I have to place Philip K. Dick at the top of my list of great writers: because I loved his stories before I had any idea who wrote them, and love them just as much now, when I no longer care about impressing the cool people. I learned to love Dick's stories before I ever knew his name.

them. But 20 years later, when I went looking for them, I discovered that all those stories were the work of Philip K. Dick. Dick was the great writer of my time and place: Northern California in the hippie days. Dick wrote about the dissolving world of California before and after the great quake called the Summer of Love. He was, among other things, the best journalist to cover that Big Bang. The other contenders didn't have a clue: Joan Didion with her campy LA noir; Tom Wolfe and his finicky overdressed fussing....Even Hunter S. Thompson missed the fiercer Tolkienian-Jihad overtones. Only PKD really got it right. And he told that story so many ways, in 47 novels (at least). He wrote about every moment on the great amphetamine trajectory; he took the marital chaos and drug shivers of his friends and made them great myth. And yes, it DOES matter that he wrote so much. It's a little odd, isn't it, when the "great" writers of an age produce so little? These coddled New Yorker-ers who manage to squeeze a half-dozen books and die of advanced self-consciousness-- what would Defoe or Balzac make of them? It is the genre writers, science fiction and crime, those machines who turn out 50 books and die young, who are the writers. It's not good to write so little; you start to catch up with yourself, read your own press, and you end up imitating yourself. The machines have no such leisure, and it's their salvation. To this day, no one appreciates the extraordinary inventions Dick created from the most banal materials lying to hand. Take his novel We Can Build You, so obscure even most PKD fans haven't read it. This novel comes out of a forgotten moment: the Centennial of the American Civil War, from 1961-1965. Much was made of the anniversary at the time: Life magazine did photo shoots of Gettysburg, newspapers ran those "On this day 100 years ago," and you can still see Peanuts strips from the early sixties showing Charlie Brown wearing one of those little blue Union caps. The Centennial came and went--and seven years after it ended, Dick produced We Can Build You. This is the story of Louis Rosen, who runs the a small company which builds organs. With the musical-instrument market going bad, the company decides to branch out into building simulacra of great historical figures. They build a walking, talking, thinking, feeling Abraham Lincoln. As usual, Dick grabbed this idea from something floating around California. In this case, he picked up on the "audio-animatronic" figures in Disneyland, one of Walt's pet projects in his last years. These were simply moving mannequins which went through the motions of oratory as they

damned Baudrillard) doesn't have much time to exercise his benign influence over events, though, because the company makes a second simulacrum: Edwin Stanton, Lincoln's sinister Secretary of Defense. During the years of the Centennial, there were a number of articles reviving the old debate about whether Stanton took part in the plot to kill Lincoln. Dick, who probably never even read these articles, somehow picked up on their distant vibrations (the man had more sensitivity to distant electrical currents than a great white shark) and makes Stanton Lincoln's antagonist, an equal and opposite God. Dick had been making Manichean oppositions from the beginning; in one of his finest early novels, The Cosmic Puppets, he sets the ancient Persian gods of Light and Decay against each other in a quiet West Virginia valley. In We Can Build You he pits Lincoln, the Mercer-like preacher of endurance and faith, against Stanton, the quick, brilliant and cruel advocate of force. And all this plays against a half-dozen other plots, starting with the protagonist's descent into schizophrenia. I could write pages on the place of

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DEATH PORN LEGEND

low-yield murder

DEATH PORN

cries for help ignored "investigation continuing" carved up like a Turkey killing "connected with professional activities of victim" riddled with bullets

neighbors

podyezd

really stupid criminal

cannibalism

At least he's housebroken

children

old people

all in the family

murder-suicide

GYPSY KINGS

In a variation of the classic how-manyMoldavians-does-it-take-to-screw-in-a-lightbulb series, two Moldavians went on a daylong killing spree, managing to take out four people before getting caught the next morning with a nasty hangover. The pair of killers, aged 16 and 18, had been living in Khimki for quite some time; one of them had even gotten married to a local and settled down, or at least until they came up with a simple plan to get rich quick. The idea for the murder was hatched when a local prostitute learned that her 50year-old neighbor had recently been paid his salary in full: a whopping 6000 rubles, cash! She then passed the information on to her Moldavian friends, who came up with a plan to jack the man and make off with his money.

wardness. The three conspirators decided to show up at the man's apartment, get drunk with him and then steal the money. What could possibly go wrong? Apparently, the Moldavians hadn't been reading up on their Dostoevsky -- even George W. could tell them that nothing is ever that easy, especially when dealing with a zagaduchnoi moldavskoi dushoi. The plan started to backfire almost from the beginning. When the two Moldavians and the whore swung by on the evening of the 21st to drink at the man's rented room, a pesky Ukrainian decided to tag along. Then, as they fell to drinking, it turned out that the intended target wasn't keeping pace with the rest of them. The Moldavians got more and more uncomfortable, until they realized that they would never get their money unless they took more extreme measures. One of them removed a knife from his shirt and set about killing. He stabbed everyone except his

inexplicably, to take another whore with them. On the road there, though, they reconsidered both their decisions. Instead, they turned around and asked the whore if she would like to go swimming in the Moscow Canal (this was before Wines willed it out of existence in a May 26 NYT article). She stupidly agreed and the pair drowned her with ease, ruling out the possibility that she would turn them in to the police. Not that her testimony mattered much. Unbeknownst to them, the 50-year-old was still breathing when a friend discovered the massacre during an unannounced visit. The dying man was able to put the militsia on the right track before expiring. The militsia picked up the two Moldavians the next morning without a struggle.

ing, according to Moskovsky Komsomolets, "I am sick of living, my illness and cheating husband are driving me crazy." Then she doused herself and her already dead husband in kerosene and lit a match. The fire never really caught because, the authorities claim, the windows were closed and there wasn't enough oxygen. Never fear, though; the wife died either through asphyxiation or a heart attack, heaped on her husband in the position their daughter found them in two days later. But the real kicker is that the husband wasn't the carousing type at all. He had worked as a chauffeur and had recently been making money as a handyman, and everyone who knew him said he was a model citizen. He didn't drink or chase women around; his wife's suspicions seemed to be simply a product of her own paranoia. Indeed, she was something of a dark horse -- she didn't really talk with any of the neighbors, several of whom claimed to have doubted her sanity even before the murdersuicide. No one doubts it now.

WHORE-IFIC

Q: What happens when an uborschik in his uniform and a buck-naked whore turn up dead in a perekhod storage closet that neighbors a militsia post? A: Everyone at the eXile pops wood! This is the stuff Death Porn dreams are made of!

head had been bashed in, didn't ring a bell. The cleaning woman ran next door to the militsia, and they quickly assessed the situation. While they didn't provide any clues as to why their supposedly 24-hour post hadn't heard anything strange, they pieced together what must have happened. Clearly, some heavy drinking had been going on. Several empty beer bottles were in the little room, as were some empty vodka bottles. The requisite zakuski sat half-eaten on the table and four used jimmy caps lay on the floor. They were most likely used before the murders. The whore had a broom handle lying on top of her, and another broken one lay by her side. They had been pretty clearly used to bash her over the head and neck until death. Then, whether or not Sergei had taken part in the pummeling of the lady, the murderer(s) turned on him and strangled Sergei with the cord found around his neck. According to one of the shopkeepers who works out of the perekhod and knew Sergei fairly well, he also worked as a cleaner at the Bolshoi ever since arriving in Moscow not long ago. She said that Sergei was a nice man, although he sometimes hit the bottle and when he did he mouthed off about his cleaning responsibilities. More importantly, shady characters often stopped by to visit him, and Moskovsky Komsomolets claims that several shopkeepers said that Sergei had a "nontraditional sexual orientation." MK didn't elaborate. On the night in question, Sergei was seen in the perekhod with a tall, well-dressed man. After showing him to the room, Sergei ran out to get the star-crossed whore and some drinks.

AIRTIGHT

Russian crimes of passion are a fairly routine business -- wife finds out husband is cheating through indiscretion during a drinking binge, wife confronts husband, wife kills husband and maybe herself. It's hard to pin the blame on any party; tempers are difficult to control in affairs of the heart. Who can blame her for getting upset? Often what makes the wife snap is that she was in denial for so many years, in spite of all the evidence pointing to what everybody already knew -- that her husband was a cheating bastard. When the truth finally comes out, her rage at letting herself be fooled for so long is at least part of what motivates the third degree slaying. Because of the fairer sex's propensity to deny reality, only rarely are husbands falsely accused. Generally, they deserved what they got coming to them. But occasionally, as in the following ,self case in the Stupinsky region outside of Moscow, the husband never knew what he did, or even what hit him. The daughter of the married couple discovered their bodies in their little house in the selo Khatun late on the 19th, when she had come to visit from her apartment in the regional center. She had tried to get the inner door of their house open without luck and peeked in the window to see if everything was all right. When she saw the two bodies lying in a heap in the middle of the floor, she feared the worst and called the militsia. Of course, the worst she feared paled in comparison to what actually happened. Her 59-year-old mother, tormented by visions of her philandering husband, whacked him over the head with a hammer in his sleep, and then dragged his body into the hut's main room. The delirious woman wrote a note say-

Klebold and Harris: Keepin' it real!

An unsuspecting Gormosta employee discovered the grizzly scene in the perekhod under Bolshaya Yakimankaya next to Oktyabrskaya Metro (the underpass by Shokoladnitsya). The woman who flicked on the light at 7:45 in the morning expected the usual dismal mildew-covered basement to greet her, same as every day. But when the fluorescent bulb buzzed to life, the windowless break room for the underpass cleaners displayed the glorious scene described above. The cleaner knew one of the bodies; Sergei, a coworker who was still dressed in his blue uniform from the nightshift, lay with a cord around his neck. The naked whore, whose

40 35 30 25 20 15 10 5 0

Nobody in the area had ever seen the whore before. According to the detectives, there was another man on the scene, although none of the shopkeepers remember a third man. Forensic evidence stops about there, since DNA testing has yet to become en vogue in Russia. The militsia were at a loss to explain why such a vicious killing, which was sure to produce some first-class screams, didn't attract any attention from the militsia beat that regularly stroll through the perekhod. Nor can they think up any motives other than a drunken gathering out of control or some pretty kinky killers.

Clothing provided by Land's End, Gucci and Tommy Hilfiger

(The Moldavians both worked as guards/stock boys at an area store and the thought of earning 6000 rubles -- less than 200 bucks -- in one shot must have seemed like an impossible sum.) The plan was brilliant in its straightfor-

Moldavian partner, whom he could trust to keep a secret. They then sacked the apartment, but were unable to find anything of value, including the alleged salary. Stymied, the two drunken men then decided to flee to Moscow and,

04.03-17.03 18.03-31.03 01.04-14.04 15.04-28.04 29.04-12.05 13.05-27.05

-- Murders -- Rapes

Statistics provided by the friendly people working in the press office of Moscow's Head Office of Interior Affairs (GUVD)

Publisher: Konstantin Boukarev Editor-in-Chief: Mark Ames ([email protected])

Art Director: Ilya Shangin FOREVER (ilyaexile.ru) Sex Machine: Jake Rudnitsky ([email protected]) Literary Bonfire Editor: John Dolan Freelance Mole: "Hot Carl" Schreck ([email protected])

Lost Cause: John "Flounder" Heisel ([email protected]) Ad Design: Dasha Mol' Marketing & Advertising Director: Tanya Baklastova ([email protected]) Advertising Commissar: Dmitri Kimelman ([email protected])

Advertising Babe: Innesa Rise Minister of Information: Dima Shalya ([email protected]) Secretary: Valentina Kuliabina ([email protected]) Illustrations: Roman Popsuev Contributors: Edward Limonov, Parker Jarvis ([email protected]

exile.ru), Danny Schwartz ([email protected]), Sy Shapiro, Gary Blecher, Guy Beazley, Vlad Ossovsky, Dan Higgins Technical Support: Mikhail Boyarsky Editors in eXile: Matt Taibbi ([email protected]) Kevin McElwee ([email protected])

Prepared By: Ne Spat'! Printed by Moskovskaya Pravda Circulation: 25,000 MRY RosCom Printers: #A1033: 28/2/97 @ all writes reserved Tel.: 795-3376 Fax: 245-1415 éÚÔÂ~ÚÌÓ , ÚËÔÓ,,ÙËË Éìè àèä "åÓÒÍÓ,ÒÍfl è,"

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the eXile - issue #142