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10 types of fantasy owners to avoid at all costs

10. The Quitter: After two bad weeks, this owner quits and let's the rest of the league down. He/she doesn't update his/her lineup, goes shopping or to the museum on Sundays, and starts injured players with no remorse. How to spot one beforehand: Commitment issues with the significant other; likes to hop job to job; often proposes spontaneous cross-country road trips despite a lack of funds or vision. 9. The Mouth: This owner spends all his/her time taunting, using expletives, and polluting the league message board. After every pick at the draft, The Mouth snickers, makes a sarcastic comment, or openly questions the owner's motives for drafting the selected player. How to spot one beforehand: Tends to consistently be the center of conflict; is always on his/her cell phone; has been thrown out of live sporting events for poor behavior. 8. The Dolt: This owner doesn't keep up with football news. He/she makes poor player personnel decisions throughout the season, isn't too familiar with the NFL, and is not properly prepared for the draft. How to spot one beforehand: Claims to be a fan of both the Cowboys and Eagles; has Onterrio "Whizzinator" Smith high on his draft board; thinks Joe Montana starred in "Searching for Bobby Fisher". 7. The Whale: This owner is like the character "Harry" in the movie "Boiler Room" -- he/she can easily be sold on anything. Other owners manipulate The Whale into making one-sided trades and into starting the wrong players each week. How to spot one beforehand: Admits to being a regular shopper on QVC; listens to telemarketers; clicks on Internet pop-up ads. 6. The Kamikaze: This owner destroys the entire league by pawning off all his/her players after the team is eliminated from the playoff race. Although The Kamikaze can be viewed as an ally and savior to some owners, he/she is horrible for the league as a whole. How to spot one beforehand: Volunteers to drive friends to the bar then abruptly decides to leave after only a half-hour; sells all his/her belongings on E-Bay; shamelessly presses the reset button whenever losing in a video game.

5. The Super Fan: This owner only drafts players from his/her favorite NFL team. Mixes up loyalty and stupidity. How to spot one beforehand: Owns a New York Jets-themed construction helmet; paints his/her face like a member of KISS before watching Oakland Raiders games; has a Dan Marino Dolphins figurine in his/her bedroom. 4. The Joe Cocker: This owner needs a little help from a friend. Unable to draft a team on his/her own, the Joe Cocker relies upon the advice and support from outside parties. This often takes away from the intimate atmosphere of a truly successful league. Too many spoons stirring the pot ... or something like that. How to spot one beforehand: Indecisive by nature; could never eat in public alone; when asked which character from HBO's "Entourage" is most like him/her -- answer is Turtle. 3. The Jude Law: This owner is in ten different fantasy leagues at once. Conversations revolve around his/her "other team" -- which is always magically the best squad ever assembled. How to spot one beforehand: Juggles several significant relationships at once; tends to lie about personal conquests; has trouble with commitment. 2. The Fugitive: This owner is impossible to get a hold of. He/she never checks e-mail, answers the phone, or receives any of the league updates. This owner will likely miss the draft, forget about the trading deadline, and offer absolutely nothing substantial on the league message board. How to spot one beforehand: Has owned a cell phone for five years but still hasn't gotten around to setting the voicemail set up; goes weeks without speaking to anyone; still exclusively uses the postal mail. 1. The Brutus: This owner is always out to undermine your power as commissioner. He/she plans elaborate coups behind your back, suggests rule changes every week, and has a genuine thirst for social upheaval. How to spot one beforehand: A fan of Karl Marx; a student of Machiavelli's "The Prince"; sided with Tommy Shaw when Styx broke up.


Microsoft Word - Types of Fantasy Owners

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