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The MacScouter's

Campfire Planning Book

Campfire Magic

Michael Lee Zwiers, from The Leader, June/July 1989 Campfire Magic! You've experienced it. You chose the songs, practiced skits, and organized everything into a program. Then you brought people together and began. Everything went without a hitch. Participants sang the songs enthusiastically and laughed uproariously (or groaned painfully) at the skits. From there, the tone and pace of the program slowed until the final prayer was just a memory on the lips and in the ears. As the dying campfire crumbled into ashes, campers reluctantly drifted off to bed. You stood before the glowing embers, soaking in their fading warmth and knowing that everything was just right. You've been touched by campfire magic. Campfires like this are special but rare. They need not be. With a little careful thought and preparation, they can become the rule and not the exception. What follows are some hints and ideas from Alberta's campfire leader training courses to help you plan a campfire program, deliver it smoothly, and bring the magic to it.

Planning

The structure of a magic campfire is like the shape of the fire. It builds up slowly from the lighting and opening to a peak, then subsides gradually to the closing as the fire burns down to embers. The opening includes parading to the formal circle, introductions, the fire lighting, and a short, upbeat opening verse that sets the mood and guidelines for the fire and welcomes people to the magic of the experience. You may deliver it dramatically with arms in the air or holding a hand over the fire. You may involve participants by having them echo a line or, if you are using a "magic start", asking them to concentrate to inspire the fire to light. Perhaps you'll have a number of torch bearers light the fire as you declare it open. Build up from the opening with some well known songs, a few rounds, some fun songs, some action songs, a game and stunt or two and, at the peak of excitement, skits and yells. Bring down things slowly with a few rousing songs, some quieter songs, a story or Scouter's Five, a spiritual song or two, vespers and taps, and a closing verse. You might include a short Scout silence before the verse or invite participants to pause for a moment to listen to night sounds or reflect and be thankful. Many campfire leaders end the verse with "I now declare this campfire closed" but, as Lewis Carroll once said, "They don't seem to have any rules in particular; at least, if there are, nobody attends to them."

Hints For Success

Before the event, review campfire etiquette with your gang. The campfire circle is sacred and always quiet before and after the fire. Prohibit flashlights from the circle. Make a no-talking rule. If wood needs to be added to the fire during the campfire, only the Keeper of the Flame may do it. Applause takes the form of yells, not clapping. Choose a magic site (on the lake shore, etc.) and, however you start it, keep the fire a reasonable size. Fires that are too big can take away the magic. To enhance the mystique, you may want to add ashes from your last campfire to this new one. And, if Campfire Magic -- 1 -Michael Lee Zwiers

you clean up all the coals and other signs of festivity before the next morning, your campers will always think of the campfire site as a special place. Keep the program short. If you will offer refreshments later, plan time so that it won't break up a good program. For the greatest success, involve as many people as possible in the campfire as leaders of songs or yells or players in skits or stunts. If you can, audition songs and skits ahead of time to avoid any possible problems, either with difficulty or poor taste. Choose songs you enjoy and know your young members enjoy. Stick to the familiar rather than trying to teach a new song, unless it is something really easy, repetitive, and fun. Be sure you include parents and special guests as well as campers. Avoid song sheets or books, a sure way to destroy atmosphere as participants turn their backs to the fire in hopes of catching some light to read the words. Look for audience feedback. Are they singing and taking part or looking bored? Keep it alive. If a song is too slow, speed it up. If it is really dragging, simply end it and move into a "no fail" song you have up your sleeve. Set a brisk pace with minimum breaks between songs. Sometimes campers become so caught up in the fun they want to sing every song they've ever heard. You have to be firm, but remind them they can have their own sing song and put in all their favorites at their tent site after the formal campfire is over. If someone brings along a musical instrument, ensure that it enhances the experience. If it begins to detract by becoming a "solo" act because nobody knows the songs or they are all slow ballads, stop the player firmly but politely. Announce the next act or song at least one act ahead so that the people involved have time to prepare. If you know who is on next, you can simply whisper in an ear to alert them. Keep a set of quickie yells, stunts, or songs on hand in case a person or group is not ready to perform when the time comes or you need to stop a performance for some reason. For example if, despite your screening, a group begins a skit or stunt in poor taste, stop it. Indicate simply that it is not appropriate and go on with something else. After the campfire, talk with those involved to explain the reason for your actions. Once you've eliminated the problem of poor taste, skits or stunts can still go wrong if the players speak too quietly or position themselves badly (e.g. with backs to the audience). That's another good reason for pre-campfire auditions. To work well and safely, a skit needs good light. The Keeper of the Flame can add small sticks to a dim fire. You might also provide pot lights or kerosene lanterns, as long as they aren't so bright they detract from the atmosphere. Keep a firm rein on proceedings to avoid things like poorly timed announcements that can destroy the magic. If some participants begin to cause a distraction, you can do one of two things. Signal another Scouter to tap them on the shoulder and talk quietly to them, or quickly bring into the program a Scouter's Five related to their behavior. If you stop a campfire to lecture noisemakers, it's an automatic downer. A campfire may be magic, but there's no trick to it, just good planning and some common sense. At the many campfires in your future, may you often be touched by the magic. Scouter Michael Lee Zwiers, Edmonton, Alta., has six years experience at helping with campfire leader training courses.

Campfire Magic

-- 2 --

Michael Lee Zwiers

The Campfire Planning Worksheet

The Campfire Planning Worksheet is printed two-sided. The back side is where you plan the program. The front side is the program agenda, in proper order, used by the Master of Ceremonies. Have your Dens or Patrols work on skits, songs, stunts, etc. Plan a time when a representative of each Den or Patrol will come to you with the name and type of each item that they will do. Write them on the back side, in the appropriate place, in no particular order. Make sure that if you are not familiar with something they plan to do that you have them perform it for you -- this could avoid an embarrasing situation. When you have all possible skits, cheers, songs -- even those that the Master of Ceremonies will lead -- written on the planning section, consider how to put them together into a program. As you read above, a Campfire Program should start slowly and quietly, build to a high level, then taper off to a quiet closing. Bracket everything with appropriate opening and closing songs or readings. Mix up the items in the middle for variety. You might consider some stories near the end to wind things down before the closing.

CAMPFIRE PROGRAM

Place Date Time Camp Director's approval: Campers notified: Campfire planning meeting M.C. Song leader Cheermaster Campfire built by Fire put out by Cleanup by Area set up by

Spot 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 Closing

Title of Stung, Song or Story

By

Time

THE CAMPFIRE PROGRAM PLANNER

How to use this sheet: Be sure that every feature of this campfire program upholds Scouting's highest traditions. 1. in a campfire planning meeting, fill in the top of the "Campfire Program" sheet (over) 2. On the "Campfire Program Planner" (below), list all units and individuals who will participate in the program 3. From each get and write down the name, description, and type of song, stunt or story they have planned. 4. The master-of-the-campfire organizes songs, stunts, and stories in a good sequence, considering timing, variety, smoothness, and showmanship. 5. M.C. makes out the campfire program sheet (over). 6. Copies of the program are given to all participants.

Cheer Planner

Spot Group or Individual

Campfire Program Planner Description Type Spot

Song Planner

Spot

Campfire Openings

The Campfire Openings are provided by Hans Hussman. Brother Scouts, in the light of the campfire, Let us come together with thankful hearts; And let our ideals be ever before us like a blazing torch Lighting a warm and steady path, The light not dimming And the peace not slackening. The campfire is open. As our music cheers us, so be the melody of our lives; As our mirth unites us, so be the harmony of our hearts; As our spirits rise to the lilt of our song, so may the Great Spirit uplift us to renewed endeavour; And may the happy fellowship of this circle go out into all the world. The stars shining over us, Their light shines before us, Oh God of Nature, Grant to us a perfect peace. Kneel always when you light a fire; Kneel reverently and thankful be, For God's unfailing charity. May this fire touch us with the magic of its mystery; May we see in its dance the ever changing beauty of the world; May this fire be good medicine where fellowship,adventure,and fun sit side by side; May this fire tonight remain forever in our hearts; Even as the first fire kindled by our ancestors has remained alight through the ages. Tall trees that reach the sky, Mountains and lakes nearby; Draw near my friends, Come sing, my friends, Our campfire time is nigh.

Campfire Openings

-- 1 --

Hans Hussman

The fire is lit, come lift your voice; Let song and skit beguile the hours; The fire is lit, so let's rejoice, Our hearts are full, the night is ours. Cold nights weighs down the forest bough, Strange shapes go flitting through the gloom; But see... a spark, a flame and now The Wilderness is home. The life of a fire is like the life of a person. In its infancy, it is faint and weak and must be carefully nourished and tended. As it catches, it crawls and spreads like a child exploring the world. In its adolescence, it flares fast and bright, racing for new height. Soon, it will burn with the steady heat and light of its adulthood. And finally give us the warmth and glowing friendship of old age. As the flames leap upward, so be our aims, As the red logs glow, so be our sympathies; As the grey ash fades, so be our errors, As this good fire warms us, so may the scout ideal warm the world. Leap high, O golden flame, the day is dead, Bring warmth and cheer, O flame, the sun has fled; Stoutly your gleam maintian, youths not abed, Ring out the heart's refrain, goodwill to all. Who hath smelt wood smoke at twilight? Who hath heard the birch log burning? Who is quick to read the noises of the night? Let him follow with the others, For the young mens feet are turning To the camps of proved desire and known delight. (Rudyard Kipling) The simple life and friendly cheer, May all those find who gather here. Deep peace of the running wave to you, Deep peace of the flowing air to you, Deep peace of the quiet earth to you, Deep peace of the shining stars to you, Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you. Campfire Openings -- 2 -Hans Hussman

Behold the fire my comrades, May its flames purify your hearts, Let no unfriendly thoughts be harboured, Let no uncouth word be spoken Keep the spirit of the campfire in your hearts forever, Peace be to all men. The forests of long ago Stored up in themselves the warmth of the sunshine of ages past, And then perished to give it out again and make fleeting pictures in our fire. As glow the hearts of the logs upon the fire, So may our hearts glow, and our thoughts be kind, And peace and deep contentment fill every mind. Here soon there will be ashes that once were trees, In Spring they gave us delight, In Summer, shade, In Autumn, the colours of their falling leaves, In Winter the beauty of their branches. May our lives, like theirs, be lives of service. Let my voice ring out and over the Earth, Through all the grief and strife, With a golden joy and a silver mirth, Thank God for life! When dusk descended, purple shadows lenthened, And evenings sombre hues begin to show, As darkening skies, the gleaming starlight strengthens, We're gathered round the campfire's golden glow. Here is an emblem, Sparks that upward fly, So may our hearts be young, And our spirits high.

Campfire Openings

-- 3 --

Hans Hussman

Logs burn, flames rise, Hearts glow, troubles die, Each for all and all for each, Happiness within our reach, Joined together by the good, Of world-wide Scoutings brotherhood. Flames leaping - fire bright, We be brothers here tonight. Scent of smoke in the evening, Smell of rain in the night, The trees, the grass, the flowers, The campfires are our delight. Sparks that upward fly, Then as they reach the sky, Memories flood in and warmth prevails, Fore those who climb the Scouting trails. Whose hand above the flame is lifted, Shall be with magic touch engifted, Brother Scouts, the campfire is open. From the North, From the South, From the East, From the West, May good Scouting come to you always. May shadows that surround us in the night, Be swept away in firelights glow; Let spirits rise, and let us all delight In the songs we know. Tall trees that reach the sky, Mountains and lakes nearby; Draw near my friends, Come sing my friends, Our campfire time is nigh.

Campfire Openings

-- 4 --

Hans Hussman

The fire is lit, come lift your voice; Let song and skit beguile the hours; The fire is lit, so let's rejoice, Our hearts are full, the night is ours. Come, come, light up the fire, Come, come, join in the ring, Here find dreams to inspire, Stories to tell, songs to sing. Come what may, Time and hours run through the roughest day, Let fun and laughter now our hearts beguile, And let's forget our troubles for awhile. These things I have loved; Starlight and the smell of burning wood, The flaming campfire, And the joy of friends close by. Friends are for caring, when the whole world's down, Friends are for laughing, when the whole world frowns; Friends are for good times, when the road is long, Friends are for sharing, around a campfire. A little bit of kindness, to each other now and then; A little bit of blindness to the faults of others when; A little bit of happiness, a lively Scouting smile; A little bit of friendship, we'll find its all worthwhile. I have known the peace of the silent hills, Have learned, whate'er betide, Though paths of life turn east and west, Camp friends can ne'er divide. Wood smoke at eventide soothes the soul, And makes an easy ladder for a prayer; May the smoke of this fire carry your thoughts heavenward, And make your hearts strong for Scouting.

Campfire Openings

-- 5 --

Hans Hussman

As our campfire smoke curls upward, May all that is evil go along with it, And may some kind evening breeze waft it away, Never to be seen again, And may peace and deep contentment be our lot. As our campfire grows and grows, Let the smoke from its flames rise to Carry our troubles and bad thoughts away, Never to be seen again. Let the heat of its flames warm us all, and, As we share its warmth, We share each other'speace and contentment. Onward and upward day by day, Straight is the course, and narrow the way, But others before us, the path have trod, And the top of the hill is the heart of God. The North Wind brings the cold that brings endurance, (Torch bearer comes into the circle from the north) The South Wind brings the warmth of friendship, (Torch bearer comes into the circle from the south) The East Wind brings the light of day, (Torch bearer comes into the circle from the east) The West Wind, from the direction where the sun sinks, brings night and stars. (Torch bearer comes into the circle from the west) (On direction from the leader, all light fire) May this campfire be good medicine, Where fellowship, adventure, and fun go side by side. By these clear waters, Stand the tents of our Pack (Troop) . Dark behind them stands the forest. Oh, Great Spirit in heaven, Send us a flame to light our campfire, That we may for this be greatful, Oh, Great Spirit we ask this of thee; Send us fire,and we shall praise thee. (Fire is lit) Thank you Great Spirit in heaven, For this fire and the friendship we will share tonight.

Campfire Openings

-- 6 --

Hans Hussman

Behold the campfire, my young wolves, May its flames clean our hearts. Let no unfriendly thoughts remain, Let no hurting words be spoken. Keep the spirit of this campfire in your heart, For, together, its flame makes us stronger. Oh Fire! Long years ago when our fathers fought with great animals, You were the protection. From the cruel cold of winter, you saved them. When they needed food, yoiu changed the flesh of beast Into savory meat for them. During all the ages Your mysterious flame has been a symbol To them for spirit. So tonight we light our fire in rememberance of the Great Spirit who gave you to us. Where the campfire's dusky smoke Blends with the eventide, I can breathe that smoke once more And live by nature's signs, The mountian torrent's muffled roar, The silence of the pines. Camping time is here again The maple leaves are falling, This is the glorious season when The out-of-doors is calling.

Campfire Openings

-- 7 --

Hans Hussman

The Boy Scout Troop 92

Songbook

This booklet of unusual campfire songs and gross songs was compiled for Pack and Troop 92 by R. Gary Hendra, the MacScouter April 1997

Campfire Songs

Do Your Ears Hang Low

1. Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder Like a continental soldier? Do your ears hang low? 2. Do your ears flip-flop? Can you use them for a mop? Are they stringy at the bottom? Are they curly at the top? Can you use them for a swatter? Can you use them for a blotter? Do your ears flip-flop? 3. Do your ears hang high? Do they reach up to the sky? Do they droop when they're wet? Do they stiffen when they're dry? Can you semaphore your neighbor With a minimum of labor? Do your ears hang high? 4. Do your ears hang wide? Do they flap from side to side? Do they wave in the breeze From the slightest little sneeze? Can you soar above the nation With a feeling of elation? Do your ears hang wide? 5. Do your ears fall off When you give a great big cough? Do they lie there on the ground Or bounce around at every sound? Can you stick them in your pocket, Just like little Davey Crocket? Do your ears fall off 6. Do your ears hang wide? Do they flap from side to side? Do they wave in the breeze From the slightest little sneeze? Can you soar above the nation With a feeling of elation? Do your ears hang wide? 7. Do your ears hang wide? Can you soar and can you glide? Can you hike the Grand Canyon While you're touching both the sides? Do they get nice & sore When you're walking through the door? Do your ears hang wide? 8. Do your ears hang askew? Can you use one stirring stew, While the other's picking berries Or making mountain dew? Can you hold an elevator While you signal to a waiter? Do your ears hang askew? 9. Do your ears fall off When you sneeze or when you cough? When you're sloping up the hogs, Do they wind up in the trough? Would they both be gone If Mommy didn't sew them on? Do your ears fall off? 10. Does your nose stick out? Do you have a long snout? Does it scrape on the floor? Do you smash it in doors? Do you poke her in the eye, When you're trying to be sly? Does your nose stick out? 11. Do your eyes bug out? Do they roll down your snout? Do you go cross-eyed When you're looking for a Trout? Can you see your image clearer Without looking in the mirror? Do your eyes bug out?

-- 2 -January 1997

he Boy Scout Troop 92 Songbook

Tie Me Kangaroo Down

The first verse is almost spoken or narrated There's an old Australian stockman - lying, dying... And he gets himself up onto one elbow And turns to his mates who are all gathered around And he says....

Mind me platypus duck, Bill Mind me platypus duck. Don't let him go running amuck, Bill Just, mind me platypus duck. Chorus Play your digeridoo, Blue Play your digeridoo. (Dying) Like, keep playing it 'til I shoot through, Blue Play your digeridoo. Chorus Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred Tan me hide when I'm dead. So, we tanned his hide, when he died, Clyde And that's it hangin' on the shed. Chorus

I'm going, Blue; this you gotta do, I'm not gonna pull through, Blue, So this you gotta do . . . Chorus: Tie me kangaroo down, sport Tie me kangaroo down. Tie me kangaroo down, sport Tie me kangaroo down. Watch me wallabies feed, mate Watch me wallabies feed. They're a dangerous breed, mate So, watch me wallabies feed. Chorus Let me wombats go loose, Bruce, Let me wombats go loose. They're of no further use, Bruce, So let me wombats go lose. Chorus Keep me cockatoo cool, curl Keep me cockatoo cool. Don't go actin' the fool, curl Just keep me cockatoo cool. Chorus Take me koala back, Jack Take me koala back. He lives somewhere out on the track, Jack So, take me koala back. Chorus Let me Abos go loose, Lou Let me Abos go loose. They're of no further use, Lou So, let me Abos go loose. Chorus

The Boy Scout Troop 92 Songbook -- 3 --

Pink Pajamas

(To the tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic")

Oh, I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it's hot, And I wear my flannel nighties in the winter when it's not, And sometimes in the springtime, and sometimes in the fall, I jump right in between the sheets with nothing on at all. Glory, glory, hallelujah! Glory, glory, what's it to ya? Balmy breezes blowin' through ya With nothing on at all!

January 1997

Bear In Tennis Shoes

The other day, (group repeats) I met a bear, (group repeats) In tennis shoes, (group repeats) A dandy pair. (group repeats) (All) The other day I met a bear, In tennis shoes a dandy pair. (Continue in a similar manner with:) He said to me, "Why don't you run, Because you ain't got any gun." And so I ran, away from there, But right behind, me was that bear. Ahead of me there was a tree, A big, big, tree, Oh glory be! The nearest branch was ten feet up, I'd have to jump and trust my luck. And so I jumped, into the air, But I missed that branch, on the way up there. Now don't you fret, now don't you frown, 'Cause I caught that branch, on the way back down. The moral of, this story is Don't talk to bears, in tennis shoes.

There are rats, rats, rats, As big as alley cats... There are spiders, spiders, spiders, Swimming in the cider... There are fleas, fleas, fleas, Landing on the cheese... There are bats, bats, bats, Bigger than the rats... There are beavers, beavers, beavers, Running from the cleavers... There are eagles, eagles, eagles, Chasing all the beagles... There are foxes, foxes, foxes, Sitting on the boxes... There are owls, owls, owls, Eating paper towels... There are bears, bears, bears, With curlers in their hair... There was butter, butter, butter Scraped up from the gutter, There was gravy, gravy, gravy, Enough to sink the navy ... There were tables, tables, tables, With legs like Betty gables ... There were chairs, chairs, chairs, Floating down the stairs ... There were lice, lice, lice, packaged up like rice ... There were ants, ants, ants, Wearing rubber pants ... There were kippers, kippers, kippers, That go about in slippers ... There was cake, cake, cake, That gave us tummy ache ...

-- 4 -January 1997

Quartermaster's Store

There are snakes, snakes, snakes, Big as garden rakes, At the store, at the store. There are snakes, snakes, snakes, Big as garden rakes, At the Quartermaster's Store CHORUS: My eyes are dim, I can not see, I have not brought my specks with me. I have not brought my specks with me. There are mice, mice, mice, Running through the rice...

The Boy Scout Troop 92 Songbook

There were beans, beans, beans, As big as submarines ... There were eggs, eggs, eggs, That walk about on legs ... There were turtles, turtles, turtles, Wearing rubber girdles ... ETC!!!

The nearest branch Was ten feet up I'd have to jump And trust to luck And so I jumped Into the air I missed that branch A way up there Now don't you fret Now don't you frown I caught that branch On the way back down That's all there is There ain't no more Unless I meet That bear once more Next time I saw That great big bear He was a rug On the bathroom floor

One Sunny Day

A song/chant to do with the audience

One sunny day (echo) I met a bear (echo) Out in the woods (echo) A way out there (echo) (All) One sunny day I met a bear Out in the woods A way out there (other verses sung in the same manner) He looked at me I looked at him He sized up me I sized up him He said to me Why don't you run? I can see you Ain't got a gun And so I ran Away from there Right behind me was That great big bear In front of me There was a tree Oh my oh me A great big tree

The Boy Scout Troop 92 Songbook

-- 5 --

January 1997

Ging Gang Gooli

During the first World Jamboree B.P. was looking for a song that everyone could sing, no matter what their language was. Ging Gang Gooli was the result. It is of no language, but it means a lot of fun. The story was apparently created later. In the deepest darkest Africa there is a legend concerning the Great Gray Ghost Elephant. Every year, after the rains, the great gray ghost elephant arose from the mists and wandered throughout the land at dawn. When he came to a village, he would stop and sniff the air, then he would either go around the village or through it. If he went round the village, the village would have a prosperous year, if he went through it, there would be hunger and drought. The village of War-Cha had been visited three years in a row by the elephant and things were pretty bad indeed. The village leader, Ging-Ganga was very worried, as was the village medicine man Hay-la-shay. Together, they decided to do something about the problem. Now Ging-Ganga and his warriors were huge men with big shields and spears. They decided to stand in the path of the elephant and shake their shields and spears at it to frighten it away. Hay-la-shay and his followers were going to cast magic spells to deter the elephant by shaking their medicine bags, as the elephant approached. The medicine bags made the sound - shalawally, shalawally, shalawally. Very early in the morning of the day the Great Gray Ghost Elephant came, the villagers gathered at the edge of the village, on one side were Ging-Ganga and his warriors, (indicate right) and on the other was Hay-la-shay and his followers (indicate left). As they waited the warriors sang softly about their leader - Ging gang gooli, gooli, gooli, gooli, watcha, Ging, gang goo, Ging, gang goo, Ging gang gooli, gooli, gooli, gooli, watcha, Ging, gang goo, Ging, gang goo. As they waited the medicine men sang of their leader - Heyla, heyla sheyla, Heyla sheyla, heyla ho, Heyla, heyla sheyla, Heyla sheyla, heyla ho. And they shook their medicine bags - Shalli-walli, shalli-walli, Shalli-walli, shalli-walli. And from the river came the mighty great gray ghost elephant's reply - Oompa, oompa, oompa... The elephant came closer, so the warriors beat their shields and sang louder (signal warriors to stand and beat their thighs in time) - Ging gang gooli, gooli, gooli, gooli, watcha, Ging, gang goo, Ging, gang goo, Ging gang gooli, gooli, gooli, gooli, watcha, Ging, gang goo, Ging, gang goo. Then the medicine men rose and sang loudly - Heyla, heyla sheyla, Heyla sheyla, heyla ho, Heyla, heyla sheyla, Heyla sheyla, heyla ho. And they shook their medicine bags - Shalliwalli, shalli-walli, Shalli-walli, shalli-walli. And the mighty great gray ghost elephant turned aside and went round the village saying - Oompa, oompa, oompa... There was great rejoicing in the village and all the villagers joined in to sing .... Ging gang gooli.... Ging gang gooli, gooli, gooli, gooli, watcha, Ging, gang goo, Ging, gang goo, Ging gang gooli, gooli, gooli, gooli, watcha, Ging, gang goo, Ging, gang goo. Heyla, heyla sheyla, Heyla sheyla, heyla ho, Heyla, heyla sheyla, Heyla sheyla, heyla ho. Shalli-walli, shalli-walli, Shalli-walli, shalli-walli. Oompa, oompa, oompa...

The Boy Scout Troop 92 Songbook -- 6 -January 1997

Waltzing Mathilda

Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong, Under the shade of a coolibah tree, And he sang as he watched and waited til his billy boiled You'll come a waltzing Mathilda with me. Waltzing Mathilda, Waltzing Mathilda, You'll come a waltzing Mathilda with me, And he sang as he watched and waited til his billy boiled, You'll come a waltzing Mathilda with me. Down came a jumbuck to drink at that billabong, Up jumped the swagman and grabbed him with glee, And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tuckerbag You'll come a waltzing Mathilda with me. Waltzing Mathilda, Waltzing Mathilda, You'll come a waltzing Mathilda with me, And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tuckerbag, You'll come a waltzing Mathilda with me. Up rode the squatter mounted on his thoroughbred, Down came the troopers - one, two, three, Whose that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tuckerbag? You'll come a waltzing Mathilda with me. Waltzing Mathilda, Waltzing Mathilda, You'll come a waltzing Mathilda with me, Whose that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tuckerbag? You'll come a waltzing Mathilda with me. Up jumped the swagman, and sprang into the billabong, You'll never catch me alive said he, And his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong You'll come a waltzing Mathilda with me. Waltzing Mathilda, Waltzing Mathilda, You'll come a waltzing Mathilda with me, And his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong, You'll come a waltzing Mathilda with me.

The Boy Scout Troop 92 Songbook

-- 7 --

January 1997

On Top of Spaghetti

(Tune: On Top of Old Smokie)

My Leader

(Tune: My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean)

On top of spaghetti, All covered with cheese. I lost my poor meatball, When somebody sneezed. It rolled off the table, And onto the floor. And then my poor meatball, Rolled out of the door. It rolled in the garden, And under a bush. And then my poor meatball, Was nothing but mush. The mush was as tasty As tasty could be, And early next summer It grew into a tree. The tree was all covered With beautiful moss, It grew lovely meatballs And tomato sauce. So if you eat spaghetti, All covered with cheese, Hold on to your meatballs And don't ever sneeze.

My leader fell into a pothole In a glacier while climbing an Alp. He's still there after 50 long winters, And all you can see is his scalp. Chorus: Bring back, bring back, O bring back my leader to me, to me. Bring back, bring back, O bring back my leader to me, to me. My leader was proud of his whiskers, To shave them would give him the blues. They hung all the way to his ankles, And he used them for shining his shoes. My leader had faith in a sailboat He had built from an old hollow tree. My leader set sail for Australia, Now my leader lies under the sea. My leader made friends with hyenas, He gave them a ride on his raft. When a crocodile reached up and grabbed him, The hyenas just sat there and laughed. My leader annoyed his dear parents They tossed him right out of the bus. And if we don't mend our behavior, Why that's what will happen to us. Chorus:

Underwear

Tune: "Over There" Underwear, Underwear, How I itch in my woolen underwear. How I wish I'd gotten a pair of cotton, So I wouldn't itch everywhere. BVDs make me sneeze. When the breeze from the trees Hits my knees. Coming over, I'm coming over, In my gosh darned, itchy, Woolen underwear.

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April 1997

Hey Lollee

Hey Lollee, lollee, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. Hey Lollee, lollee, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. This is a crazy kind of song, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. You make it up as you go along, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. When calypso singers sing this song, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. It sometimes lasts the whole day long, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. First you invent a simple rhyme, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. Then another one to rhyme, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. While you catch on I'll sing a verse, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. Then you do one that's even worse, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. I know a boy named Sammy--C, (or use another name that rhymes) Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. He sings "Hey Lollee" in just one key, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. Tonight we've chosen another key, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. You won't be hearing from Sammy--C, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. He sings "Hey Lollee" day and night, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. It never seems to come out right, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. I know a man name Mr. Jones, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. When he sings, everybody groans, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo.

The singer you fast the getter it's tuff, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. To line up makes that you won't muff, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. Let's put this song back on the shelf, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo. If you want anymore you can sing it yourself, Hey Lollee, lollee, lo.

Mary Had a Swarm of Bees

Mary had a swarm of bees Swarm of bees, swarm of bees Mary had a swarm of bees and they to save their lives had to go where Mary went, Mary went, Mary went. Had to go where Mary went 'Cause Mary had the hives.

Tree Toad

Tune: Auld Lang Syne

A tree toad loved a fair she toad That lived up in a tree; She was a fair three-toed tree toad But a two-toed toad was he. The two-toed tree toad tried to win The she toad's friendly nod; For the two-toed tree toad loved the ground That the three-toed tree toad trod. Now three-toed tree toads have no care For two-toed tree toad love, But the two-toed tree toad fain would share A tree home up above. In vain the two-toed tree toad tried; He couldn't please her whim. In her tree toad bower with veto power, The she toad vetoed him!

The Boy Scout Troop 92 Songbook

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April 1997

Two Little Fleas

Tune: Auld Lang Syne

Taps

Sing with reverence. Day is done Gone the sun From the Lakes From the hills From the sky All is well Safely rest God is nigh. Fading light Dims the sight, And a star gems the sky, Gleaming bright, From afar, Drawing nigh, Falls the night. Thanks and praise, For our days, Neath the sun, Neath the stars, Neath the sky, As we go, This we know, God is nigh.

Two little fleas together sat They cried when one flea said; "I've had no place to lay my head, Since my old dog is dead. I've traveled far from place to place And farther will I roam. But the next old dog that shows his face Will be my home sweet home."

Ant Marching Song

The ants go marching one by one. Hurrah, Hurrah. The ants go marching one by one. Hurrah, Hurrah. The ants go marching one by one, The little one stops to chew some gum. And they all go marching, Down to the ground to get out of the rain. Boom, boom, boom, boom. (Insert the following lines, replacing one by one/to shoot his gun, etc.) Two by two to tie his shoe. Three by three to climb a tree. Four by four to close the door. Five by five to pick up sticks. Seven by seven to look at heaven. Eight by eight to shut the gate. Nine by nine to tell the time. Ten by ten to say THE END. chorus: So (or "and") they all go marching Down...to the ground... to get out of the rain"

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April 1997

Gross Songs

Mister Toad

(Sung to the tune of Oh, Christmas Tree.)

Jaws

(Tune: Do Re Mi) JAWS A shark, a great big shark TEETH The things that kinda crunch BITE The friendly sharks "hello" US His favorite juicy lunch BLOOD That turns the ocean red CHOMP That means the sharks been fed GULP I guess that we're now dead That brings us back to JAWS! JAWS! JAWS! JAWS! JAWS! JAWS! JAWS! JAWS!

Oh Mister Toad, oh Mister Toad Why did you jump into the road? Oh Mister Toad, oh Mister Toad Why did you jump into the road? Is it because you didn't know That passing cars could hurt you so? Oh Mister Toad, oh Mister Toad Why did you jump into the road? Oh Mister Toad, oh Mister Toad Why did you jump into the road? Oh Mister Toad, oh Mister Toad Why did you jump into the road? Is it because you didn't care? You look so peaceful lying there. Oh Mister Toad, oh Mister Toad Why did you jump into the road? Oh Mister Toad, oh Mister Toad Why did you jump into the road? Oh Mister Toad, oh Mister Toad Why did you jump into the road? You used to be so green and fat But now you're red and oh so flat. Oh Mister Toad, oh Mister Toad Why did you jump into the road? Oh Mister Toad, oh Mister Toad Why did you jump into the road? Oh Mister Toad, oh Mister Toad Why did you jump into the road? I see you took a heavy load, cause you are now part of the road. Oh Mister Toad, oh Mister Toad Why did you jump into the road?

Gopher Guts

Great green globs of Greasy grimy gopher guts, Mutilated monkey meat, Little birdies dirty feet, Great green globs of Greasy grimy gopher guts, and I forgot my spoon! But I brought my fork!!! Yum Great Green Globs of Greasy, Grimy Gopher Guts, Mutilated Monkey Meat Turdy, dirty, birdy-feet. All mixed up with all-purpose porpoise pus And me without my spoon But I brought my straw!!! Slurp

Mom, Wash My Underwear

Tune: "God Bless America" Mom, wash my underwear, my only pair. We can find them, and move them, From the heap by the side of the chair. To the washer, to the clothesline, To my backpack, to my rear. Mom, wash my underwear, my only pair. Mom, wash my underwear, my only pair.

-- 11 -April 1997

The Boy Scout Troop 92 Songbook

Oh My Monster Frankenstein

In a castle, near a mountain, Near the dark and murky Rhine. Dwelt a doctor, the concoctor, Of the monster, Frankenstein. Chorus: Oh my monster, oh my monster, Oh my monster, Frankenstein. You were built to last forever, Dreadful scary Frankenstein. In a graveyard, near the castle, Where the sun refused to shine, He found noses and some toeses For his monster Frankenstein. (Chorus) So he took them and he built him, From the pieces he did find, And with lightning he animated, The scary monster Frankenstein. (Chorus) Scared the townsfolk, scared the Police, Scared the kids did Frankenstein, Til with torches, they did scare him, To the castle by the Rhine.

My Bonnie

My Bonnie leaned over the gas tank, The height of its contents to see. I lit up a match to assist her, Oh bring back my Bonnie to me. Bring back. Bring Back. Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me, to me. Bring back. Bring Back. Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. Last night as I lay on my pillow, Last night as I lay on my bed, I stuck my feet out of the window, Next morning my neighbors were dead. Bring back. Bring Back. Oh, bring back my neighbors to me, to me. Bring back. Bring Back. Oh, bring back my neighbors to me. My Bonnie has tuberculosis, My Bonnie has only one lung, My Bonnie can cough up raw oysters' And roll them around on her tongue. Roll them, roll them. Roll them around on her tongue, her tongue. Roll them, roll them. Roll them around on her tongue. My luncheon lies over the ocean, My breakfast lies over the rail. My supper lies in great commotion, Won't someone please bring me a pail. Clams and ice cream , clams and ice cream Clams and ice cream don't agree with me, with me. Clams and ice cream , clams and ice cream Clams and ice cream don't agree with me. Who knows what I had for breakfast? Who knows what I had for tea? Who knows what I had for supper? Just look out the window and see!

The Boy Scout Troop 92 Songbook

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April 1997

Worms

Nobody likes me, Everybody hates me! I'm gonna eat some worms. Chorus (Repeat after each verse) Long, slim slimy ones, short, fat juicy ones, Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy, wuzzy worms. First you get a bucket, Then you get a shovel, Oh how they wiggle and squirm. First you pull the heads off, Then you suck the guts out. Oh how they wiggle and squirm. Down goes the first one, Down goes the second one, Oh how they wiggle and squirm. Up comes the first one, Up comes the second one, Oh how they wiggle and squirm. Everybody likes me, Nobody hates me! Why did I eat those worms? Chop up their heads and Squeeze out their juice, And throw their tails away. Nobody knows how I survive On worms three times a day!

Oh, Tom the Toad

(Sung to the tune of Oh Christmas Tree)

1. Oh, Tom the Toad, Oh, Tom the Toad Why are you lying in the road? Oh, Tom the Toad, Oh, Tom the Toad Why are you lying in the road? Didn't you see, that light turn red? Now there are tracks, across your head. Oh, Tom the Toad, Oh, Tom the Toad Why are you lying in the road? 2. Oh, Kitty Cat, Oh, Kitty Cat Why does your tongue hang out like that? Oh, Kitty Cat, Oh, Kitty Cat Why does your tongue hang out like that? Why were you running from the mutts? Now that truck, spread out your guts... Oh, Kitty Cat, Oh, Kitty Cat Why does your tongue hang out like that? 3. Oh Fred the fish, Oh Fred the fish, Why are you lying on the dish? Oh Fred the fish, Oh Fred the fish, Why are you lying on the dish? You did not see the hook ahead, And now your head is stuffed with bread. Oh Fred the fish, Oh Fred the fish, Why are you lying on the dish? 4. Oh Bill the bug, oh Bill the bug, What are you doing on the rug. Oh Bill the bug, oh Bill the bug, What are you doing on the rug. You did not see the foot ahead, and now your just a spot of red, Oh Bill the bug, oh Bill the bug, What are you doing on the rug. 5. Oh Rog the dog, Oh Rog the dog, Why did you jump on that green log? Oh Rog the dog, Oh Rog the dog, Why did you jump on that green log? You used to like to play and track. But now you are a gator's snack. Oh Rog the dog, Oh Rog the dog, Why did you jump on that green log?

The Boy Scout Troop 92 Songbook

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April 1997

6. Oh Tom the Toad, Oh Tom the Toad Why did you jump into the road? Oh Tom the Toad, Oh Tom the Toad Why did you jump into the road? You were so big and green and fat But now you're small and red and flat. Oh Tom the Toad, Oh Tom the Toad Why did you jump into the road? 7. Oh Al the Gater, Oh Al the Gater You should have waited until later. Oh Al the Gater, Oh Al the Gater You should have waited until later. You sat upon the yellow line, and now you're just a streak of slime Oh Al the Gater, Oh Al the Gater You should have waited until later. 8. Oh Sue the Skunk, Oh Sue the Skunk Why do you make my tires go thunk? Oh Sue the Skunk, Oh Sue the Skunk Why do you make my tires go thunk? You did not look from East to West Now on the road there's such a mess. Oh Sue the Skunk, Oh Sue the Skunk Why do you make my tires go thunk? 9. Oh Sam the Snake, Oh Sam the Snake Why do you lie out there and bake? Oh Sam the Snake, Oh Sam the Snake Why do you lie out there and bake? You did not see that truck go by Now you look like a butterfly. Oh Sam the Snake, Oh Sam the Snake Why do you lie out there and bake? 10. Oh Possum Pete, Oh Possum Pete There's nothing left but hair and feet Oh Possum Pete, Oh Possum Pete There's nothing left but hair and feet You thought you'd beat that bus across Now you look like a pile of moss. Oh Possum Pete, Oh Possum Pete There's nothing left but hair and feet

11. Armadillo Tex, Armadillo Tex, Why are you looking so perplexed? Armadillo Tex, Armadillo Tex, Why are you looking so perplexed? Across the yellow line you strayed, The truck hit you - like a grenade! Armadillo Tex, Armadillo Tex, Why are you looking so perplexed? 12. Oh Froggie Fred, Oh Froggie Fred, Why do you lie there stone-cold dead? Oh Froggie Fred, Oh Froggie Fred, Why do you lie there stone-cold dead? You didn't look as you jumped out, A ten-ton truck ran up your snout! Oh Froggie Fred, Oh Froggie Fred, Why do you lie there stone-cold dead? 13. Oh Swallow Sam, Oh Swallow Sam, What turned your body into jam? Oh Swallow Sam, Oh Swallow Sam, What turned your body into jam? In the air you'd quickly speed, An eighteen-wheeler made you bleed. Oh Swallow Sam, Oh Swallow Sam, What turned your body into jam? 14. Oh Doggie Spot, Oh Doggie Spot, Upon the road you're such a blot. Oh Doggie Spot, Oh Doggie Spot, Upon the road you're such a blot. Out in the lane you boldly went, Now your bod's not worth a cent! Oh Doggie Spot, Oh Doggie Spot, Upon the road you're such a blot. 15. Oh Tom the Toad, Oh Tom the Toad Why are you lying in the road? Oh Tom the Toad, Oh Tom the Toad Why are you lying in the road? You did not see that car ahead And you were flattened by the tread. Oh Tom the Toad, Oh Tom the Toad Why are you lying in the road?

The Boy Scout Troop 92 Songbook

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April 1997

16. Oh Bunny Ben, Oh Bunny Ben, Why is your body flat and thin? Oh Bunny Ben, Oh Bunny Ben, Why is your body flat and thin? Out on the road you quickly jumped, You didn't count on getting bumped. Oh Bunny Ben, Oh Bunny Ben, Why is your body flat and thin? 17. Oh Billy Bat, Oh Billy Bat, Why are you lying still like that? Oh Billy Bat, Oh Billy Bat, Why are you lying still like that? Along the road you swooped and flapped, But a trucker's windshield got you zapped! Oh Billy Bat, Oh Billy Bat, Why are you lying still like that? 18. Oh Turtle Ted, Oh turtle Ted, Your shell's all broken - so's your head. Oh Turtle Ted, Oh turtle Ted, Your shell's all broken - so's your head. In the road you thought you'd travel, Now you're ground into the gravel. Oh Turtle Ted, Oh turtle Ted, Your shell's all broken - so's your head. 19. Oh, Kitty Cat, Oh, Kitty Cat Why does your tongue hang out like that? Oh, Kitty Cat, Oh, Kitty Cat Why does your tongue hang out like that? Why were you running from the mutts? Now that truck, spread out your guts... Oh, Kitty Cat, Oh, Kitty Cat Why does your tongue hang out like that? 20. Oh Fred the fish, Oh Fred the fish, Why are you lying on the dish? Oh Fred the fish, Oh Fred the fish, Why are you lying on the dish? You did not see the hook ahead, And now your head is stuffed with bread. Oh Fred the fish, Oh Fred the fish, Why are you lying on the dish?

21. Oh, Chicken Cluck you never slowed As you went running cross the road. Oh, Chicken Cluck you never slowed As you went running cross the road. Despite the other's evidence, Please tell us why you had no sense Oh, Chicken Cluck you never slowed As you went running cross the road. 22. I ran across! I ran across! In memory of those we lost! I ran across! I ran across! In memory of those we lost! I had to prove to Tom & Sue, & Sam & Pete, I could get through! I ran across! I ran across! In memory of those we lost!

My Dog Rover

(Tune: I'm Looking Over a Four-Leaf Clover)

I'm looking over my dead dog Rover That I overran with the mower. One leg is missing, another is gone, One leg is scattered all over the lawn. No need explaining, the one remaining, Is stuck in the kitchen door. I'm looking over my dead dog Rover That I overran with the mower. I'm looking over my dead dog Rover Who died on the kitchen floor. One leg is broken, the other is lame, The third leg is missing, the fourth needs a cane. No need explaining, the tail remaining Was caught in the oven door. I'm looking over my dead dog Rover Who died on the kitchen floor. I'm looking over my dead dog Rover, That I ran over last night. One leg is broken, The other is bent, On the top of his head, There's a great, big, dent. There's no need explaining, The part's remaining, Are Spread from left to right. I'm looking over my dead dog Rover, That I ran over last night.

-- 15 -April 1997

The Boy Scout Troop 92 Songbook

Bug Juice

(Tune: On Top of Old Smokey)

Underware

Tune: "Over There"

At camp with the Cub Scouts, They gave us a drink, We thought it was Koolaid, Because it was pink. But the thing that they told us, Would have grossed out a moose, For that good tasting pink drink, Was really bug juice. It looked fresh and fruity, Like tasty Koolaid, But the bugs that were in it, were murdered with Raid. We drank by the gallons, We drank by the ton, But then the next morning, We all had the runs. Next time you drind bug juice, And a fly drives you mad, He's just getting even, Because you swallowed his dad.

Underware, Underware, How I itch in my woolen underware. How I wish I'd gotten a pair of cotton, So I wouldn't itch everywhere. BVDs make me sneeze. When the breeze from the trees Hits my knees. Coming over, I'm coming over, In my gosh darned, itchy, underware.

woolen

Mom, Wash My Underware

Tune: "God Bless America"

Mom, wash my underware, my only pair. We can find them, and move them, From the heap by the side of the chair. To the washer, to the clothesline, To my backpack, to my rear. Mom, wash my underware, my only pair. Mom, wash my underware, my only pair. -- Thanks to Chuck Bramlet, ASM Troop 323, Thunderbird District, Grand Canyon Council, Phoenix, Az.

The Boy Scout Troop 92 Songbook

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April 1997

2nd Ballajura Campfire Songbook

Who hath smelt woodsmoke at twilight? Who hath heard the birch log burning? Who is quick to read the noises of the night? Let him follow with the others. For the young men's feet are turning, To the camps of proved desire and known delight. Campfire's Burning Campfire's burning, campfire's burning Draw nearer, draw nearer Campfire, Campfire Come sing and be merry. All Together Again We're all together again, we're here, we're here, We're all together again, we're here, we're here. And who knows when, we'll be all together again? Singing all together again, we're here! Duke of York Oh, the grand old Duke of York, he had ten thousand men. He marched them up to the top of the hill, and he marched them down again. And when they were up, they were up; And when they were down, they were down; And when they were only half way up, they were neither up nor down. If You're Happy If you're happy and you know it, Clap your hands (clap) If you're happy and you know it, Clap your hands (clap) If you're happy and you know it, Then you really ought to show it, If you're happy and you know it, Clap your hands (clap) Stamp your feet Nod your head Shout "hooray" Do all four Ging Gang Gooli Ging gang gooli-gooli-gooli-gooli watcha Ging gang goo, ging gang goo. Ging gang gooli-gooli-gooli-gooli watcha Ging gang goo, ging gang goo. Heyla, heyla sheyla, heyla sheyla heyla ho-o, [x 2] Shalliwalli Shalliwalli Shalliwalli Shalliwalli Oompah Oompah Oompah... Ant Marching Song The ants go marching one by one. Hurrah, Hurrah. The ants go marching one by one. Hurrah, Hurrah. The ants go marching one by one, The little one stops to chew some gum. And they all go marching, Down...to the ground... to get out...of the rain. Boom, boom, boom, boom. (Insert the following lines, replacing one by one/to chew some gum, etc.) Two by two / to tie his shoe. Three by three / to climb a tree. Four by four / to close the door. Five by five / to do a jive. Six by six / to pick up sticks. Seven by seven / to look at heaven. Eight by eight / to shut the gate. Nine by nine / to tell the time. Ten by ten / to say THE END. chorus: And they all go marching Down...to the ground... to get out...of the rain Boom, boom, boom, boom. Father Abraham Father Abraham had many sons Many sons had Father Abraham. I am one of them, and so are you. Let me tell you what to do... Right arm. Father Abraham had many sons Many sons had Father Abraham. I am one of them, and so are you. Let me tell you what to do... Right arm, left arm. ...... Continue until: Right arm, left arm, right leg, left leg, nod your head, stick out your tongue, sit down. (can also sing as "Robert Baden-Powell had many scouts")

2nd Ballajura Campfire Songbook

Noble Captain Kirk [Tune: Grand Old Duke of York] The noble Captain Kirk, he had 500 men. He beamed them up to the Enterprise, And he beamed down again. And when they're up, they're up, And when they're down, they're down, And when they're only halfway up, They're nowhere to be found. Onni Wonni Wakki Onni wonni wakki Wah wah, Onni wonni wakki Wah wah, Aye yi yi yippi yi yi yi. Aye yi, aye yi, aye yi, aye yi The key thing with this song is not the words, but the actions! Repeat the song three times, doing the actions in rhythm with the music: During the first verse, put both hands on the knees of the person to your right, then on your own knees, then on the knees of the person to your left, then back on your own knees. During second verse, start with arms folded (not tucked in!) in front of your chest; put right hand out, put left hand on top of it, put left hand back in "folded" position, put right hand in "folded" position and then repeat by putting left hand out first. During last verse, put both hands on knees, then put left hand on nose while crossing right arm over to touch left ear with right hand; then put hands on knees again and this time touch nose with right hand while touching right ear with left hand... One Bottle O' Milk One bottle of milk, two bottles of milk, Three bottles of milk, four bottles of milk, Five bottles of milk, six bottles of milk, Seven, seven, bottles of milk! You can't put your muck in our dustbin, Our dustbin, our dustbin. You can't put your muck in our dustbin, My dustbin's full! Fish and chips and vinegar, vinegar, vinegar Fish and chips and vinegar, Pepper, pepper, pepper, salt! The Crocodile She sailed away, on a lovely summer's day, On the back of a crocodile. "You see," said she, "he's as tame as tame can be, I'll ride him down the Nile." The croc. winked his eye, and the lady waved "goodbye", Wearing a happy smile. At the end of the ride, the lady was inside, And the smile on the crocodile! Soap and Towel [Tune: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"] Soap, soap, soap and towel; towel and water please. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, wash your dirty knees. Galoomp Galoomp went the little green frog one day, Galoomp went the little green frog, Galoomp went the little green frog one day, And his eyes went gloomp, gloomp, gloomp But: We all know frogs go Lah dee dah dee dah, Lah dee dah dee dah, Lah dee dah dee dah, We all know frogs go Lah dee dah dee dah, They don't go gloomp, gloomp,gloomp. Repeat but replace "Lah dee dah dee dah" with: "Pop" in the microwave "Splat" when you step on them "Squelch" on the freeway Using sound effects for the word in quotes and appropriate actions. Little Tom Tinker Little Tom Tinker sat on a clinker, Then he began to cry, "MAMA, MAMA", Poor little innocent boy. Sing as a 4 part round - jump up on "MAMA".

2nd Ballajura Campfire Songbook

Worms Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, Think I'll go and eat worms; Long thin skinny ones; Big fat juicy ones, See how they wriggle and squirm. Bite their heads off, Suck their blood out, Throw their skins away, Nobody knows how much I thrive On worms three times a day. Long thin skinny ones slip down easily, Big fat juicy ones stick; Hold your head back, Squeeze their tail, And their juice just goes drip, drip. The Ping-Pong Ball (Tune - William Tell Overture) A guy had a game with a ping-pong ball, A guy had a game with a ping-pong ball, Oh, a guy had a game with a ping-pong ball, With a ping, ping-pong ball. Oh, a guy had a game with a ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong ball, With a ping, with a ping, with a ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong ball. Ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping! A guy had a game with a ping-pong ball, Oh, a guy had a game with a ping-pong ball, A guy had a game with a ping-pong ball, With a ping, ping-pong ball. (repeat, but this time say "pong" for "ping" and viceversa) Life is But a Melancholy Flower (tune of "Frere Jaques") Life is butter, life is butter, Melancholy flower, melancholy flower, Life is but a melon, life is but a melon, Cauliflower, cauliflower. I Zicka Zimba (Hold Him Down) I zicka zimba, zimba, zimba I zicka zimba, zimba, hey I zicka zimba, zimba, zimba I zicka zimba, zimba, hey Hold him down, you Zulu Warrior Hold him down, you Zulu chief Chief chief chief... My Aunt Came Back (Leader sings line and does actions and is echoed by audience. Keep doing actions for following verses) My Aunt came back (My aunt came back) From old Japan (From old Japan) And she brought me back (and she brought me back) A Japanese fan (a Japanese fan) (Start waving right hand like a fan) My Aunt came back From old Hong Kong And she brought me back A game of ping pong (wave left hand like ping-pong bat) Kampuchea - Rocking Chair (start rocking back and forward) Timbuktu - some nuts like you (stop actions and point at audience) Cottage In A Wood In a cottage in a wood Little old man at the window stood, Saw a rabbit running by Frightened as could be. "Help me, help me, sir," she said, "Before the huntsman shoots me dead." "Come, little rabbit, come with me, Happy we will be." The Old Fashioned Ford (tune - The Road to Gundagai) There's an old fashioned Ford Made of rubber, tin and board, Along the road to Gundagai. Oh the radiator's hissing, And half the engine's missing, The oil tank's running dry. There's water in the petrol And sand in the gears, And it hasn't seen a garage For more than forty years; But, oh gosh, hear her roar When the pedal hits the floor Along the road to Gundagai.

2nd Ballajura Campfire Songbook

Yogi Bear (tune - Camptown Races) I know someone you don't know, Yogi, Yogi, I know someone you don't know, Yogi, Yogi Bear, Yogi, Yogi Bear, Yogi, Yogi Bear, I know someone you don't know, Yogi, Yogi Bear. Yogi has a little friend, BooBoo, BooBoo, Bear... Yogi has a sweet girlfriend, Cindy, Cindy Bear... Yogil lived in Jellystone, Jelly, Jellystone... Yogi has an enemy, Ranger, Ranger Smith... BANG! On Ilkla Moor Bacht 'At Where hast tha' been since I saw thee, I saw thee? On Ilkla moor bacht 'at. Where hast tha' been since I saw thee? Where hast tha' been since I saw thee? On Ilkla moor bacht 'at. On Ilkla moor bacht 'at. On Ilkla moor bacht 'at. Ah've been a-courting Mary Jane... Tha'll shoorly catch tha death of coold... Then ye shall have to bury me... Worms then will come and eat thee oop... Then ducks will come and eat up worms... Then we shall go and eat up ducks... Then we shall all have eaten thee... Gory, Gory [Tune: Battle Hymn of the Republic] He jumped 40 thousand feet without a parachute. [Repeat twice more.] But he ain't gonna jump no more. CHORUS Gory, gory, what a heck of a way to die. [Repeat twice more.] Well, he ain't gonna jump no more. He landed on the target like a blob of strawberry jam... We scraped him off the target with a bread and butter knife... We put him in an envelope and sent him home to mum... She put him on the mantelpiece for everyone to see... Hi Ho! Nobody Home (Three part round) Hi, ho! Nobody home, Meat nor drink nor money have I none. Yet will I be merry. The Merry-Go-Round Divide into four groups. This represents an old steam merry-go-round. Start groups in order, then stop in reverse order. 4 repeats between starting/stopping each group. Group 1 oom-pah-pah (engine) Group 2 oom-sss-sss (steam) Group 3 oom-tiddle-dee-dee (high-pitched squeak) Group 4 da-da-da (music - group sings in "tinny" way; any waltz rhythm will do) The Bear Song Group, echoing: (The other day) (I saw a bear) (A great big bear) (A way up there)

Leader: The other day I saw a bear A great big bear A way up there

Everyone: The other day I saw a bear A great big bear a way up there [Continue this pattern throughout the song.] I looked at him He looked at me I sized up him He sized up me He says to me Why don't you run I see you ain't Got any gun I said to him That's a good idea So come on feet Let's get out of here And so I ran Away from there But right behind Me was that bear But ahead of me There was a tree A great big tree Oh, Glory Be! But the lowest branch Was ten feet up I'd have to trust My luck to jump And so I jumped Into the air But I missed that branch A way up there

2nd Ballajura Campfire Songbook

Now don't you fret Now don't you frown 'Cause I caught that branch On the way back down That's all there is There ain't no more Unless I meet That bear once more On Top Of Spaghetti [Tune: On Top of Old Smokey] On top of Spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed. It rolled off the table, and onto the floor, And then my poor meatball rolled out of the door. It rolled down the garden, and under a bush, And then my poor meatball was nothing but mush! The mush was as tasty, as tasty could be, And then the next summer it grew into a tree. The tree was all covered, all covered with moss, And on it grew meatballs, all covered with sauce. So if you have spaghetti, all covered with cheese, Hold onto your meatball, 'cause someone might sneeze. Mules [Tune: Auld Lang Syne] On mules we find two legs behind, and two we find before; We stand behind before we find, what the two behind be for. When we're behind the two behind, we find what these be for; So stand before the two behind, and behind the two before. Kum Ba Yah Kum ba yah, my Lord, kum ba yah! [Repeat 3x] Oh Lord, kum ba yah! Someone's sleeping, Lord . . . Someone's crying, Lord . . . Someone's singing, Lord . . . Someone's laughing, Lord . . . Someone's praying, Lord . . . Someone's Scouting, Lord . . . Someone's camping, Lord . . . Kum ba yah, my Lord, . . . Taps Day is done, gone the sun, From the lake, from the hills, from the sky; All is well, safely rest, God is nigh. Cheers, Yells, and Applauses Artillery: Begin slowly with the flats of your palms and increase in speed: then slow down until finally the last time the hands are not brought together. Big Hand: Leader says, "let's give them a big hand" everybody in the audience holds up one of their hands with the palm up. Big Sneeze: Cup hands in front of nose and sneeze in hands. Having nowhere to put it, wipe your hands in your hair. Blast-off: Start counting backwards from 6 to 1. Bend the knees a little more on each count until you are in a squatting position. Then, while saying, "BLAST OFF!", jump straight up in the air. Can of Applause: Cheer and applaud as cover is removed from can and become quiet as lid is replaced. Canary Applause (2000 lb): Put hands on opposite shoulders, while opening and closing elbows, say, "Here, kitty, kitty." Carpenter: Pretend to be holding a hammer in one hand and a nail in the other. Start pounding the nail with the hammer while saying, "Bang, Bang, Ouch". Cheery: Pick a cheery, roll in your mouth, then spit the pit out with a loud "P-TUU." Chinese: How! How! How! Phooey, Phooey, Phooey. Chinese Bow: Stand, fold your arms, bow from the waist while saying, "Ah Phooey." Christmas Bells: Pretend to hold a bell rope, then get the left side of the audience to say "DING" on the downstroke and the other side of the audience to say "DONG" on the upstroke. Repeat three times. Class A: Clap rapidly in the following rhythm: 1-2-3-4, 12, 1-2, 1-2-3-4, 1-2, 1-2, 1-2-3-4...(pause)..One big clap. Class B: Just like the Class A except that on the last clap, you come back with your hands and make one big clap.

2nd Ballajura Campfire Songbook

Class C: Just like the class B except that after missing the clap, you come back with your hands and make one big clap. Coo Coo: Everyone nod their heads up and down and say: "COO-COO" as many times as you tell them, as if you were striking the hour. Cookie Clap: Everyone takes a big bowl in their arms. In bowl, dump ingredients to make cookies, such as: flour, sugar, salt, chocolate chips and dill pickles (have the boys tell out the ingredients and you'll get some odd cookies). After the ingredients are in the bowl, you take a big spoon and with stirring motion yell "Crummy, Crummy, Crummy". Eskimo Cheer: Brrrrr-rrr, Brrrrr-rrr. Fire Engine: Divide the group into four sections: (1) Rings the bell fast, DING; (2) Honks the horn, HONK, HONK, HONK; (3) Sounds the siren, Rrrr, Rrrr, Rrrr; (4) Clangs the clanger, CLANG, CLANG, CLANG. Have all four groups do their parts together. Fireman Yell: Water, Water, Water! More, More, More ! Giant Beehive: Tell the group to buzz like a bee. When your hand is raised, the volume should increase. When you lower your hand the volume should decrease. Practice this at various levels. Good Turn: Stand up and turn around. Grand: Everyone is sitting down in their chairs. All stomp their feet three times loudly, then slap leg three times, then clap hands 3 times. Then stand up all together and shout "Ra, Ra, Ra!" Hankerchief: Tell the group that they are supposed to applaud as long as the handkerchief you are about to throw in the air, when it hits the floor to stop applauding. Variation: Catch the handkerchief instead of letting it drop. Vary the applauding by using short throws, long throws, throwing to someone in the audience etc. Hay DD Straw: Divide the group into two sections, tell one group that when you point to them they are to yell, "HAY". Tell the other section they are to yell, "STRAW" !!! Vary the speed in which you point to the different groups. Variation: When the leader yells hay or straw, the group responds with the opposite word. Rainstorm Cheer: To simulate rain, have everyone pat one finger of the left hand and one finger of the right hand. Gradually increase the intensity of the storm by increasing the fingers hitting together. Decrease the number of fingers as the storm passes. Relay: First person in row claps next person's hand and so on down to the end of the row. Reverse Applause: Move hands away from each other. Round of Applause: While clapping hands, move them around in a circle in front of you. Tonto: Leader says "Where does Tonto take his trash?" The audience yells in reply, "To de dump, to de dump, to de dump dump dump," to the rhythm of a running horse in a sing-song manner while clapping hands on thighs. (Like Lone Ranger) Two-Handed Saw: Everyone pairs off into two's. Each pair sticks their hands out with their thumbs up. Alternately grab each other's thumbs until all four hands are each holding a thumb. Move arms and hands back and forth as if sawing. Watermelon: Hold a piece of watermelon in both hands, make the motions of taking several bites, turn head and spit out the seeds. Run Ons and Short Skits 1) The first person calls from out of sight "Hey Fred, look! I'm in the top of a 100 foot tall tree." The second person: "But Joe, we don't have any 100 foot tall trees in camp. First person: "Oh noooo....", screams as he is falling. 2) 1st person: "Excuse me, but is that the sun or the moon?" 2nd person: "I don't know. I'm new to these parts too." 3) Two boys playing quick draw: 1st boy: "My Scoutmaster (Cubmaster etc.) can shoot a gun faster than any man in the West." 2nd boy: "Really?" What do they call your Scoutmaster." 1st boy: "Toeless Joe." 4) 1st boy: "I heard you had an accident on your hike today." 2nd boy: "No but I did get bitten by a rattlesnake." 1st boy: "You don't call that an accident?" 2nd boy: "Heck no, he did that on purpose." 5) DRAG: Have two boys drag a third boy across the stage. The third boy says: "What a drag!" 6) Big Chief: Bring in 10 scalps, kill 5 buffalo bare handed and go into desert without water for a moon. Then I will pronounce you Big Brave. You understand? Seal of Approval: Put your thumbs in your armpits, then move arms up and down like a seal moving its flippers and say "Arf, Arf, Arf" several times. Variation: Add: Pretend you are balancing a ball on the end of your nose. Seal: Extend arms, cross hands at the wrist and flap hands several times. Sky Rocket: Make a motion of striking a match on your pants, lean over to light your rocket. Make a "SH, SH, SH" sound, point from the floor to the sky as if you were following it in flight with your finger. CLAP hands and say "BOOM" spread arms wide and say "AH____AH____AH".

2nd Ballajura Campfire Songbook

Indian Brave: Yes. What do I do to get pronounced Little Brave. 7) A boy walks across stage carrying a car door. He is asked why he is carrying the car door. The boy answers so that he can roll down the window when it gets hot. 8) The scene is a courtroom scene with one person as the judge. A person walks through the court carrying a sign or a skunk stuffed animal. The judge watching says: "Odor in the court! Odor in the court!" 9) The three boys are in a line facing the audience. Second Boy in Line: This story begins with "Once upon a time" First Boy: Hey, wait a minute, I'm the beginning. Middle Boy: I'm the middle. Last Boy: That's nothing I'm the end. 10) A boy is sitting on the bake with a fishing pole in hand. There is a NO FISHING sign nearby. The game warden appears. Fisherman: Are you the game warden. Game warden: Yep! Fisherman:Just teaching him how to swim(pointing to the worm on the pole) 11) (Boy runs on interrupting leader): "We interrupt this program for an important news flash." Turns flashlight on and off, shining it in the audience's eyes. Most effective at a campfire. 12) 1st Scout: Say wasn't there a rap at the door? 2nd Scout: I didn't hear anything. 1st Scout: Yes, I'm sure there was a rap at the door! 2nd Scout: I'm sure I didn't hear anything. The first scout then goes to the door and brings in a coat and tells the audience as he holds it up for them to see. I knew there was a wrap at the door. 13) 1st Scout: I went fishing last week. 2nd Scout: What did you catch? 1st Scout: Three bass and one smelt. 2nd Scout: It did? Which one? 3rd boy: Why ______ will beat them 40 to nuthin'. 4th boy: I can tell you the score of the game before it starts. The Others: Oh Yeah? You're not that smart. 4th boy: Nuttin' to Nuttin' of course (The others chase him off.) 15) First Scout: I bet I can jump higher then a house. Second Scout: I bet you can't. First Scout: Yes I can. Did you ever see a house jump. 16) Leader: I can make everyone in the audience into an old fashioned Indian. Audience: How? Leader: (Leader raises right hand and then says, "How!") 17) Why are you pulling that rope for? Did you ever try to push one. 18) Wire for Mr. Jones. I'm Mr. Jones. The clerk hands him a piece of wire. 19) Two guys talking, first asks the second where he is going; second says fishing. First asks second what he has in his mouth and the first says worms. The first guy says good luck and slaps second guy on the back. 20) Radio Announcer: We interrupt this program for a spot announcement. Dog (offstage): Arf! Arf! Arf! Announcer: Thank you, Spot. 21) Scout 1:(running on stage) "They're after me!" Scout 2: "Who's after you." Scout 3: "The squirrels! They think I'm nuts!" 22) Librarian: "Please be quiet, young man. The people near you can't even read." Scout: "Then what are doing in a library?" 23) Scout 1: "Did you hear how my mother strained herself." Scout 2: "No, how did she manage to do it?" Scout 3: "She ran through a screen door." 24) Fortune Teller: "That will be $20 for two questions." Client: "Isn't that a lot of money for two questions?" Fortune Teller: "Yes, it is. Now what is your second question?"

14) A group of boys are discussing a football game. 1st boy: I sure hope that the ________ wins. 2nd boy: Well I'm sure that _________ will win.

A Scout's Campfire Songbook

CAMP FIRE OPENINGS. The simple life and friendly cheer, May all those find who gather here. Sweet is the brotherhood to which we belong, And doubly sweet is the brotherhood of song. CAMP FIRE'S BURNING Camp fire's burning, camp fire's burning, Draw nearer, draw nearer, In the gloaming, in the gloaming, Come sing and be merry. IT'S A GOOD TIME TO GET ACQUAINTED (Tune - Tipperary) It's a good time to get acquainted It's a good time to know Who is sitting close beside you And to smile and say "Hello" Goodbye, chilly feeling Goodbye, glassy stare If we all join hands and pull together We're sure to get there. WE'RE ALL TOGETHER AGAIN. We're all together again, we're here, we're here, We're all together again, we're here, we're here, And who knows when we'll be all together again Singing all together again, we're here. ALL THINGS SHALL PERISH. All things shall perish from under the sky. All things shall perish from under the sky. Music alone shall live, Music alone shall live, Music alone shall live, Never to die. WHEN THE SCOUTS COME HIKING IN. (Tune: When the Saints go Marching In) Oh when the Scouts come hiking in, When the Scouts come hiking in, I want to be at that camp-fire When the Scouts come hiking in. Now here comes Dave - he needs a shave When the Scouts come hiking in, And we'll have Dave at that camp-fire, When the Scouts come hiking in. Now here comes John, with his short shorts on ... Now here comes Pete, with his aching feet ... A Scout's Songbook -- 1 -Now here comes Tom, going like a bomb ... Now here comes Keith, with his clean white teeth.. Now here comes Skip, with a merry quip ... Now here comes Kim - Oh No, not him! ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI (Tune: On Top of Old Smokey) On top of spaghetti, All covered in cheese, I lost my poor meat ball When somebody sneezed. It rolled off the table And unto the floor, And then my poor meat ball Rolled out of the door. It rolled down the garden and under a bush, And then my poor meat ball was nothing but mush! So, If you have spaghetti, All covered in cheese, Hold onto your meat ball, 'Cause someone might sneeze! QUARTER MASTER'S STORES. Chorus: My eyes are dim, I cannot see, I have not brought my specs with me, I have not brought my specs with me! There was bread, bread harder than your head In the stores, in the stores There was bread, bread just like lumps of lead In the quarter master's stores. There were rats, rats big as blooming cats In the stores, in the stores There were rats, rats lying about on mats In the quarter master's stores. There was cake, cake hard as cattle cake In the stores, in the stores There was cake, cake give you belly ache In the quarter master's stores.

A Scout's Campfire Songbook

There was skip, skip giving us the slip In the stores, in the stores There was skip, skip giving us the slip In the quarter master's stores. SPREADING CHESTNUT TREE Under the spreading chestnut tree Where I held you on my knee, We were happy as could be, Under the spreading chestnut tree Actions Spreading Chest Nut Tree Held Knee Happy She'll be wearing silk pyjamas when she comes (Whistle twice, etc) Oh we'll kill the old red rooster when she comes (hack hack), etc. Oh we'll all have chicken and dumplings when she comes (Yum Yum), etc. Oh she'll have to sleep with grandma when she comes (Snore snore), etc. HE JUMPED FROM 40,000 FEET He jumped from 40,000 feet without a parachute He jumped from 40,000 feet without a parachute He jumped from 40,000 feet without a parachute And he ain't gonna jump no more. Chorus Glory, glory, what a hell of a way to die. Hey! Glory, glory, what a hell of a way to die. Hey! Glory, glory, what a hell of a way to die. And he ain't gonna jump no more. They scraped him off the tarmac like a lump of strawberry jam. They put him in a matchbox and they sent him home to mum. She put it on the mantelpiece beside his dear old dad. He fell from the mantelpiece into the roaring flames The moral of the story is to look before you leap THE WILD ROVER. I've been a wild rover for many a year, And I've spent all my money on whiskey and beer, But now I'm returning with gold in great store, And I never will play the wild rover no more. Chorus And it's no nay never, no nay never no more, Will I play the wild rover, No nay never no more. I went into an ale house I used to frequent, And I told the landlady my money was spent, I asked her for credit, she answered me 'nay', 'Sure it's custom like yours I can have anyday'. Then out of my pocket I drew sovereigns bright, And the landlady's eyes opened wide with delight, She said 'I have whiskey and wines of the best, And the words that I spoke you were only in jest.

arms outstretched over head. strike chest tap head arms outstretched over head. arms as though embracing. strike knee. Scowl and emit a growl.

Last line same as first. SHE'LL BE COMING ROUND THE MOUNTAIN She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes (Wooh Wooh) She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes (Wooh Wooh) She'll be coming round the mountain, she'll be coming round the mountain She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes (Wooh Wooh) She'll be riding six white horses when she comes (Whoa back) She'll be riding six white horses when she comes (Whoa back) She'll be riding six white horses, riding six white horses, She'll be riding six white horses when she comes (Whoa back, Wooh Wooh) Oh we'll all go down to meet her when she comes (Hi Babe) Oh we'll all go down to meet her when she comes (Hi Babe) Oh we'll all go down to meet her, we'll all go down to meet her Oh we'll all go down to meet her when she comes (Hi Babe, etc) She'll be wearing silk pyjamas when she comes (Whistle twice) She'll be wearing silk pyjamas when she comes (One whistle) She'll be wearing silk pyjamas, She'll be wearing silk pyjamas A Scout's Songbook

-- 2 --

A Scout's Campfire Songbook

I'll go home to my parents, confess what I've done, And I'll ask them to pardon their prodigal son, And if they forgive me as oft times before, Then I never will play the wild rover no more. I'VE BEEN A SCOUT LEADER I've been a Scout Leader for many a year And entered this game with trepidation and fear But now that its over I feel somewhat glad And I never will rejoin this newfangled fad Chorus And it's no nay never, no! nay! never, no more Will I be a Scout Leader, no, never no more. I went into a Scout Den I used to frequent And I told the young lads our funds they were spent Then out of my trailer I took camping gear And the cries of dismay turned to yells of good cheer. BADGER'S ARMY By David Walsh We're all part of Badger's army, Sandford Scout Troop, Thirty three, Hills and mountains we will climb, We love Scouting all the time And Badger is our leader dressed in green. Bivouacking on a hillside, Hiking on the Wicklow Way Singing songs with all our might Round the camp-fire in the night With Roy on his guitar to lead the way We go hiking in the winter We go even when it snows In the summertime we camp Even if it's very damp In Powerscourt where the Dargle river flows. OLD MACDONALD Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-i, ee-i, o, And on his farm he had some pigs, ee-i, ee-i, o, Tall pigs, short pigs, short pigs, tall pigs, Fat pigs, thin pigs, thin pigs, fat pigs, Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-i, ee-i, o, Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-i, ee-i, o, And on his farm he had some cows, ee-i, ee-i, o, Tall cows, short cows, short cows, tall cows, Fat cows, thin cows, thin cows, fat cows, Tall pigs, short pigs, short pigs, tall pigs, Fat pigs, thin pigs, thin pigs, fat pigs, A Scout's Songbook -- 3 -Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-i, ee-i, o, KOOKABURRA Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree. Merry merry King of the bush is he Laugh Kookaburra, Laugh, Kookaburra Gay your life must be WORMS Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, Think I'll go and eat worms, Long thin skinny ones, short fat juicy ones, See how they wriggle and squirm, Bite their heads off, suck their juice out, Throw the skins away. You should see how well I thrive, On worms three times a day. FOUND A PEANUT Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut over there, Thought I'd eat it, thought I'd eat it, thought I'd eat it, didn't care. Rather tasty, rather tasty, rather tasty but now, Got a pain, got a pain, got a pain, don't know how. Fetch a doctor, fetch a doctor, fetch a doctor, fetch him quick. Appendicitis, appendicitis, appendicitis, feeling sick Cut him open, cut him open, cut him open, save his life. Sew him up, sew him up, sew him up around my knife. Cut him open, cut him open, cut him open 'til its found, Sew him up, sew him up, have you seen my specs around. Cut him open, cut him open, cut him open, - ad nauseam.

A Scout's Campfire Songbook

YOU'LL NEVER GET TO HEAVEN. You'll never get to heaven In an old Ford car 'Cos an old Ford car Won't go that far You'll never get to heaven in an old Ford car 'Cos an old Ford car won't go that far I ain't gonna grieve my Lord no more. I ain't gonna grieve my Lord I ain't gonna grieve my Lord I ain't gonna grieve my Lord no more. You'll never get to heaven in a limousine 'Cos the Lord ain't got no gasoline. You'll never get to heaven in a Jumbo jet 'Cos the Lord ain't got no runways yet. You'll never get to heaven in a Girl Guides arms 'Cos the Lord doesn't want those feminine charms. You'll never get to heaven in a biscuit tin 'Cos a biscuit tin's got biscuits in. You'll never get to heaven in an apple tree 'Cos an apple tree's got roots you see B-P SPIRIT I've got that B-P spirit, Right in my head, right in my head, right in my head, I've got that B-P spirit right in my head, Right in my head to stay. Deep in my heart, All round my feet, I've got that B-P spirit, All over me, all over me, all over me, I've got that B-P spirit all over me, All over me to stay. THERE WAS AN OLD MAN CALLED MICHAEL FINIGININ There was an old man called Michael Finigin He grew whiskers on his chinigin The wind came up and blew them inigin Poor old Michael Finigin! Beginigin! There was an old man called Michael Finigin He kicked up an awful dinigin Because they said he must not singingin A Scout's Songbook Poor old Michael Finigin! Beginigin! There was an old man called Michael Finigin He went fishing with a pinigin Caught a fish but dropped it inigin Poor old Michael Finigin! Beginigin! There was an old man called Michael Finiginin He grew fat and then grew thinigin Then he died and had to beginigin Poor old Michael Finigin! STOP! IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands If you're happy and you know it, stamp your feet If you're happy and you know it, click your fingers If you're happy and you know it, nod your head If you're happy and you know it, say "We are!" If you're happy and you know it, do all five.

FLOWER OF SCOTLAND Oh Flower of Scotland When will we see your like again That fought and died for Your wee bit hill and glen. Chorus. That stood against him Proud Edward's army And sent him homeward Tae think again. The hills are bare now And Autumn leaves lie thick and still O'er land that is lost now Which those so dearly held. Those days are passed now And in the past they must remain But we can still rise now And be the nation again. Repeat verse one. -- 4 --

A Scout's Campfire Songbook

CAMPING. (Tune: Daisy) Camping, camping, that's what we like to do Ev'ry summer, we're off for a week or two We never mind the weather As long as we're together But we don't approve of no room to move, In a hike tent that's built for two. FOOD, TERRIBLE FOOD Food, terrible food, burnt sausage and mustard We're not in the mood for cold porridge and custard Fried eggs with their edges black What next is the question We're all gonna suffer from indigestion Food, terrible food, those soggy old cornflakes That lumpy fruit duff, that's all that our cook makes We have to eat the stuff, don't want to be rude But food - horrible food - sickening food - terrible food. McTAVISH IS DEAD Oh, McTavish is dead and his brother don't know it His brother is dead and McTavish don't know it, They're both of them dead and in the same bed And neither one knows that the other is dead. Ging Gang Gooli Ging gang gooli gooli gooli watcha Ging gang goo, ging gang goo, Ging gang gooli gooli gooli watcha Ging gang goo, ging gang goo, Hayla - hayla shayla - hayla shayla hayla hoo Hayla - hayla shayla - hayla shayla hayla hoo Shally-wally, shally-wally, Shally-wally, shally-wally, Oompah, oompah, oompah The singers are divided into two parts. All sing the song through, then Part 1 keeps up the "Oompah, Oompah" whilst Part II starts again. When they meet at the end Part I sings the words whilst Part II takes over the "Oompah, Oompah". CHEER BOYS CHEER. One dark night when we were all in bed, Old Mrs O'Leary left a light on in the shed The cow kicked it over, then winked her eye and said "There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight" Chorus Cheer, Boys, Cheer, the school is burning down A Scout's Songbook -- 5 -Cheer, Boys, Cheer, it's burning to the ground Cheer, Boys, Cheer, it's the only one in town, "There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight" APPLE PIE BAKER. My mother's an apple-pie baker, My father, he fiddles for tin, My sister scrubs floors for a living Oh boy, how the money rolls in. Rolls in, rolls in, Oh boy, how the money rolls in. Rolls in, rolls in, Oh boy, how the money rolls in. OH, WE AIN'T GONNA SING Oh we ain't gonna sing no more, no more, We ain't gonna sing no more, That old song's got whiskers on, So we ain't gonna sing no more, I MET A BEAR The other day I met a bear, Up in the woods Away up there. He looked at me I looked at him He sized up me I sized up him He said to me Why don't you run, I see you ain't Got any gun And so I ran Away from there But right behind Me was that bear. And then I saw Ahead of me, A great big tree O Lordy Me The nearest branch Was ten feet up I'd have to jump And trust to luck

A Scout's Campfire Songbook

And so I jumped Into the air But I missed that branch Away up there Now don't you fret Now don't you frown For I caught that branch On the way back down That's all there is There ain't no more Unless I meet That bear once more And that bear I Did meet once more He was a mat On the bedroom floor. THE JELLYFISH SONG Three blind jellyfish, three blind jellyfish, Three blind jellyfish, sitting on a rock. And along came a big wave, WOOOOSH. Oh, we ain't gonna wash no more, etc. A WOONEY GOONEY A wooney gooney cha a wooney A wooney gooney cha a wooney I, I, I, ippee I, I, anna I, I, I, ippee I, I, anna A wooney, A wooney, cheche! AN OLD AUSTRIAN YODELLER An old Austrian Yodeller, On an mountain top high, Met up with an Avalanche, Interrupting his cry. Yo de le hi, Yo de le hi hi, I .... Shhh ! Yo de le hi hi. (2) A shaggy dog - arf! arf! (3) A grizzly bear - grr! grr! (4) A milking cow - shh! shh! (5) A pretty maid - X! X! (6) Her father - Bang! Bang! Captains, they have turkey, Lieutenants they have duck, Patrol Leaders have chocolate and think themselves in luck, Seconds they have bully beef and sometimes they have ham, But all that's left for the jolly Girl Guides is a slice of bread and jam. Oh, we ain't gonna eat no more, etc. Captains, they are married, Lieutenants they're engaged, Patrol Leaders are courting, although they're under age, Seconds they have boy friends, as many as they please, But all that left for the jolly Girl Guides are the Scouts with knobbly knees. Oh, we ain't gonna court no more, etc. CAPTAINS Captains they do nothing, Lieutenants they do less Patrol leaders go watering and get themselves a mess. Seconds they go wooding, that's if they want some sup, But all that's left for the jolly Girl Guides is the dirty washing up. Oh, we ain't gonna work no more no more, We ain't gonna work no more. We worked last year and the year before, We ain't gonna work no more. Captains they have scented soap, Lieutenants, they have Pears, Patrol Leaders have Yardley and give themselves such airs. Seconds they have Sunlight to make their faces shine, But all that's left for the jolly Girl Guides is the Lifeboy every time.

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A Scout's Campfire Songbook

DO YOUR EARS HANG LOW? Do your ears hang low? Can they waggle to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you throw them over your shoulder Like a regimental soldier? Do your ears hang low? Yes, my ears hang low. And they waggle to and fro I can tie them in a knot, I can tie them in a bow. I can throw them over my shoulder Like a regimental soldier Yes, my ears hang low! THE RATTLING BOG Chorus Ro, ro the rattling bog The bog down in the valley o Rare bog a rattling bog a bog down in the valley o. And on that bog there was a tree, A rare tree, a rattling tree, The tree in the bog and the bog down in the valley o. And on that tree there was a limb. And on that limb there was a branch. And on that branch there was a twig. And on that twig there was a leaf. And on that leaf there was a nest. And in that nest there was an egg. And on that egg there was a bird. And on that bird there was a wing. And on that wing there was a feather. And on that feather there was a flea, A rare flea, a rattling flea, The flea on the feather and the feather on the wing, And the wing on the bird and the bird on the egg, And the egg on the nest and the nest on the leaf, And the leaf on the twig and the twig on the branch, And the branch on the limb and the limb on the tree And the tree in the bog and the bog down in the valley - O. LAND OF THE SILVER BIRCH. Land of the silver birch, Home of the beaver, Where still the mighty moose Wanders at will Chorus Blue lake and rocky shore, I will return once more, Boom-did-di-eye-di, Boom-did-di-eye-di, Boom-did-di-eye-di, Boom My heart is sick for you, Here in the lowlands, I will return to you, Hills of the north. Swift as the silver fish, Canoe of birch bark, Thy mighty waters, Carry me forth. There where the blue lake lies, I'll set my wigwam, Close to the water's edge, Silent and still. TZENA Israeli - Words by Henry Morris Tzena, Tzena, Tzena, Tzena, Can't you hear the music playing In the village square? Tzena, Tzena, join the celebration, There'll be people there from every nation, Dawn will find us dancing in the sunlight, Dancing in the village square. SAILING I am sailing, I am sailing, home again 'cross the sea, I am sailing stormy waters, To be near you, to be free. I am flying, I am flying, Like a bird 'cross the sky I am flying, passing high clouds To be with you, to be free. Can you hear me, can you hear me Thro' the dark night far away I am dying, forever trying, To be with you who can say. A Scout's Songbook -- 7 --

A Scout's Campfire Songbook

We are sailing, we are sailing, Home again 'cross the sea We are sailing stormy waters To be near you, to be free. LET IT BE When I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom - let it be And in my hour of darkness She is standing right in front of me Speaking words of wisdom - let it be And when the broken hearted people Living in the world agree There will be an answer - let it be. LET US SING TOGETHER Let us sing together, Let us sing together, One and all a joyous song. Let us sing together, One and all a joyous song. Let us sing again and again, Let us sing again and again, One and all a joyous song. TOO OLD TO CAMP (Tune: When I grow too old to dream) When I grow too old to camp I'll have this to remember; When I grow too old to camp I'll have this night to recall; So, good Scouting all, Whate'er may be our part; For when I grow too old to camp This night will live in my heart. WHO'LL COME A-SCOUTING? (Tune: Waltzing Matilda) Once a mighty soldier, beloved by his fellow men Under the shade of the flag of the free Took some boys and trained them, Made them strong and brave and true. Who'll come a-Scouting, a Scouting with me? Chorus: Keep on a-working, never a-shirking, Carry out the rules as he wanted them to be, And we'll sing as we put our shoulders And our brains to work, A Scout's Songbook -- 8 -Who'll come a-Scouting, a Scouting with me? Soon the little band grew, swelling great in number, Through other countries, one, two, three, Then around the world it spread, Stronger, ever stronger, Who'll come a-Scouting, a Scouting with me? Chorus: Keep on praying, keep on saying, If we work hard enough, then we'll stay free. And we'll sing as we put our shoulders And our brains to work, Who'll come a-Scouting, a Scouting with me? SCOUTER'S SMILE (Tune: When Irish Eyes are Smiling) When Scouters all are smiling, Sure it's like a morn in spring For amid their joy and laughter You can hear the music ring. When all the crowd are happy And the night seems bright and gay, With that fine old Scouting spirit, Sure it wins you right away. WITH THE SCENT OF WOODSMOKE (Tune: Lilli Marlene) With the scent of woodsmoke drifting on the air, And the glow of firelight we always love to share, Visions of camp-fires all return, And as the logs flame up and burn, We dream of bygone camp-fires and long for those to come. Tongues of yellow fire flickering up on high, Reaching twisting fingers up to a starlit sky, Voices recall songs old and new, Songs once dear to our fathers too, Who dreamed of bygone camp-fires and longed for those to come. Gently dying embers cast a rosy glow, Voices slowly sinking to tones so soft and low, Slowly upon the still night air, Fall faithful voices hushed in prayer, That dream of bygone camp-fires and long for those to come.

A Scout's Campfire Songbook

THE SCOUTING DAY (Tune: Perfect Day) When you come to the end of a Scouting day, And you sit in the camp-fire light, And the sky has turned from the blue to the grey, With the shades of the coming night, Do you think what the end of a Scouting Day Can mean in a real boy's life, When the whistle blows and the flag comes down, And there's peace in the world of strife? Well, this is the end of a Scouting day, Near the end of our journey, too, And the days that are gone cannot be recalled: What have they ment to you? For we've shared the same tent and, side by side, The streets of this old world trod. In sun and rain we've done our best, And we're closer grown to God. WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED Chorus: We shall not, we shall not be moved, We shall not, we shall not be moved, Just like a tree that's standing by the water side, We shall not be moved. We're on our way to heaven, We shall not be moved, We're on our way to heaven, We shall not be moved. We're on that road to freedom, We're brothers together, We're on our way to heaven WE SHALL OVERCOME We shall overcome, We shall overcome, We shall overcome some day, Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe, We shall overcome some day, THE GIPSY ROVER The Gipsy rover came over the hill Down to the valley so shady He whistled and he sang till the green woods rang And he won the heart of a lady. Chorus: Ah dee doo, ah dee doo dah day Ah dee doo, ah dee day dee A Scout's Songbook He whistled and he sang till the green woods rang And he won the heart of a lady. She left her father's castle gates She left her own fond lover She left her servants and her state To follow the gipsy rover. Her father saddled up his fastest steed Roamed the valleys all over Sought his daughter at great speed And the whistling gipsy rover. He came at last to a mansion fine Down by the River Plady And there was music and there was wine For the gipsy and his lady "He is no gipsy, father dear, But lord of these lands all over, And I will stay till my dying day With my whistling gypsy rover." ANY DREAM WILL DO I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain To see for certain what I thought I knew Far far away someone was weeping but the world was sleeping, any dream will do. I wore my coat with golden lining, Bright colours shining wonderful and new And in the east the dawn was breaking And the world was waking, any dream will do. A crash of drums, a flash of light My golden cloak flew out of sight the colours faded into darkness, I was left alone. May I return to the beginning, the light is dimming And the dream is too. The world and I, we are still waiting, Still hesitating, any dream will do. BLOWING IN THE WIND How many roads must a man walk down Before they call him a man? How many seas must a white dove sail, Before they sleep on the sand? How many times must a cannon-ball fly, Before they're forever banned? The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind The answer is blowing in the wind. How many years must a mountain exist, Before it is washed to the sea? -- 9 --

A Scout's Campfire Songbook

How many years can some people exist, Before they're allowed to be free, How many times can a man turn his head, And pretend that he just doesn't see? THE BATTERED ELM TREE From out the battered elm tree The owl's cry we hear And from the distant forest The cuckoo answers clear Cuckoo, cuckoo, tu-whit, tu-whit, tu-whoo, Cuckoo, cuckoo, tu-whit, tu-whit, tu-whoo. TEACH THE WORLD TO SING I'd like to teach the world to sing In perfect harmony And hold it close and in my arms And keep it company. I'd like to see the world for once All standing hand in hand And hear it echo through the years Of peace throughout the land. MORNINGTON RIDE Chorus: Rocking, rolling, riding Out along the bay All bound for Mornington Many miles away. Driver at the engine Fireman rings the bell Sandman swings the lantern To show that all is well Somewhere there is sunshine Somewhere there is rain Somewhere there is Mornington Many miles away. AMAZING GRACE Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me, I once was lost but now I'm found, Was blind but now I see. 'T'was grace that taught my heart to fear, And grace my heart relieved, How precious did that grace appear, The hour I first believed. Thro' many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come, A Scout's Songbook -- 10 -'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home. LEWIS BRIDAL SONG Step we gaily on we go, Heel for heel and toe for toe, Arm in arm and row on row, All for Mari's wedding. Over hillways up and down, Myrtle green and bracken brown, Past the sheiling thro' the town, All for sake of Mari. Chorus Red her cheeks as rowans are, Bright her eye as any star, Fairest o' them a' by far, Is our darling Mari. Chorus Plenty herring, plenty meal, Plenty peat to fill her creel, Plenty bonnie bairns as weel, That's the toast for Mari. Chorus. MINGULAY BOAT SONG Hill you ho boys, let her go boys, Bring her head round, now all together, Hill you ho boys, let her go boys, Sailing home, home to Mingulay. What care we tho' white the Minch is? What care we, for wind and weather, Let her go boys, ev'ry inch is, Wearing home, home to Mingulay. Chorus. Wives are waiting on the bank, Or looking seaward from the heather. Pull her round boys, and we'll anchor, Ere the sun sets at Mingulay. Chorus.

A Scout's Campfire Songbook

THE BLAIR ATHOLL SONG. Here in the heart of Scotland, Nature's glories never cease. Amid the soft green hills of Pertshire, We have known Blair Atholl's peace. Haste ye back, haste ye back, Haste ye back and don't forget Happy days here at Blair Atholl, May God bless our Jamborette. We have clasped our hands in friendship We have talked into the night, Each has sung of his own homeland By the camp-fire's fading light. Chorus Some men are blessed with vision, Jack Stewart was such a man. He's no longer here to guide us But we'll carry out his plan. Chorus Now the Jamborette is over In parting some shed tears Time can't rob us of the memories. May they warm us through the years. Chorus, chorus. THE HAPPY WANDERER. I love to go a wandering, Along the mountain track, And as I go, I love to sing, My knapsack on my back. Val-da-ri Val-da-ra Val-da-ri Val-da-ra ha ha ha ha ha ha Val-da-ri Val-da-ra My knapsack on my back. I love to wander by the stream That dances in the sun, So joyously it calls to me, "Come join my happy song!" Chorus I wave my hat to all I meet, And they wave back to me. And blackbirds call so loud and sweet, From ev'ry greenwood tree. Chorus Oh may I go awandering, until the day I die! A Scout's Songbook Oh may I always laugh and sing, Beneath God's clear blue sky! Chorus. CANADIAN BOAT SONG. Heigh Ho, anybody home, Meat or drink or money have I none Still I will be happy. (Start quiet, then get louder and louder, then quiet again). BARGES Out of my window looking in the night, I can see the barges flickering light, Silently flows the river to the sea, And the barges too go silently. Chorus. Barges, I would like to go with you, I would like to sail the ocean blue, Barges, have you treasure in your hold, Do you fight with pirates brave and bold. Out of my window looking in the night, I can see the barges flickering light, Starboard shines green and port is glowing red I can see them flickering far ahead. Out of my window looking in the night I can see the barges flickering light Harbour ahead and anchorage in view I will find my resting place with you. Away from my window on into the night I will watch till they are out of sight Taking their cargo far across the sea I wish that someday they'd take me. A SCOUT HYMN Grant us, O God, that in our youth We may learn duty, faith and truth And by our Promise and our Law Serve the great end our Founder saw. In brotherhood throughout the world May the Scout banner be unfurled; Let not our feet in sin be snared, Help us in life to Be Prepared. For Thee, O God, our spirits search; For Thee, our colours in Thy church; For Thee, our hope, for Thee, our pride; For Thee, our strength and all beside.

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A Scout's Campfire Songbook

ONWARD, BOY SCOUTS, ONWARD (Tune: Onward, Christian Soldiers) Onward, Boy Scouts, onward, Brothers for the right; Live our Scout Laws gladly, Onward in their light; Let our Promise loyally Mark our trail each day; So this legend guide our journey, "Be Prepared" always. Onward, Boy Scouts, onward, Brothers for the right; Live our Scout Laws gladly, Onward in their light. Live the life of honor, Word that truth designed; Loyal be and helpful, Friendly, courteous kind; Practice now obedience With a cheerful part; Thrifty, brave and clean completely, Reverent in heart. MORNING HAS BROKEN Morning has broken like the first morning; blackbird has spoken like the first bird, Praise for the singing! praise for the morning! Praise for them, springing fresh from the word. Sweet the rain's new fall sunlit from heaven, like the first dewfall on the first grass, Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden, Sprung in the completeness where his feet pass. Mine is the sunlight! Mine is the morning, Born of the one light Eden saw play! Praise with elation, praise every morning, God's recreation of the new day! A Scout's Songbook KUM BY YA. Kum by ya, my Lord, kum by ya, Kum by ya, my Lord, kum by ya, Kum by ya, my Lord, kum by ya, O Lord, kum by ya. Someone's crying, Lord, kum by ya, O Lord, kum by ya. Someone's praying, Lord, kum by ya, O Lord, kum by ya. Someone's singing, Lord, kum by ya, O Lord, kum by ya. ROCK MY SOUL Rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham, Rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham, Rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham, O rock my soul. Too high, can't get over it, Too high, can't get over it, Too high, can't get over it, Got to through the door, O Lordy. Too wide, can't get round it, Too deep, can't get under it, Too high, can't get over it, Too wide, can't get round it, Too deep, can't get under it, Got to through the door, O Lordy. PRAISE AND THANKSGIVING (Tune - Morning has broken) Praise and thanksgiving, Father we offer, for all things living thou madest good; Harvest of sown fields, fruits of the orchard hay from the mown fields, blossom and wood. Bless thou the labour we bring to serve thee, that with our neighbour we may be fed. Sowing or tilling, we would work with thee; Harvesting, milling, for daily bread. Father, providing food for thy children, thy wisdom guiding teaches us share one with another, so that rejoicing with us, our brother may know thy care.

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A Scout's Campfire Songbook

Then will thy blessing reach every people; all men confessing thy gracious hand. Where thy will reigneth no man will hunger; thy love sustaineth; fruitful the land. MICHAEL ROW THE BOAT ASHORE Chorus Michael row the boat ashore, Alleluia Michael row the boat ashore, Alleluia Sister help to trim the sail, Alleluia Sister help to trim the sail, Alleluia The river Jordan is chilly and cold, Alleluia Chills the body but not the soul, Alleluia The river is deep and the river is wide, Alleluia Milk and honey on the other side, Alleluia SPIRIT OF GOD Chorus Spirit of God, unseen as the wind, gentle as is the dove, teach us the truth and help us believe, show to us Jesus' love. You spoke to us long, long ago, gave us the written word, we read it still, needing its truth, through it Gods voice is heard. Without your help, we fail our Lord, We cannot live his way, We need your power, we need your strength, following Christ each day. JOHNNY APPLESEED. The Lord is good to me, And so I thank the Lord, For giving me the things I need, The sun, the rain and the appleseed. The Lord is good to me. And every seed that grows Will grow into a tree. And one day soon There'll be apples there, For everyone in the world to share. The Lord is good to me. MAKE ME A CHANNEL OF YOUR PEACE Make me a channel of your peace: where there is hatred let me bring your love, where there is injury, your pardon, Lord, and where there's doubt, true faith in you: O Master, grant that I may never seek so much to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand, to be loved, as to love with all my soul! Make me a channel of your peace: where there's despair in life let me bring hope, where there is darkness, only light, and where there's sadness, ever joy: O Master, grant ...... Make me a channel of your peace: it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, in giving of ourselves that we receive, and in dying that we're born to eternal life. ONE MORE STEP One more step along the world I go, one more step along the world I go: from the old things to the new keep me travelling along with you: And it's from the old I travel to the new; keep me travelling along with you. Round the corner of the world I turn, more and more about the world I learn; all the new things that I see you'll be looking at along with me: As I travel through the bad and good, keep me travelling the way I should; where I see no way to go you'll be telling the way, I know: Give me courage when the world is rough, keep me loving though the world is tough; leap and sing in all I do, keep me travelling along with you: You are older than the world can be, you are younger than the life in me; ever old and ever new, keep me travelling along with you:

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A Scout's Campfire Songbook

GIVE ME OIL IN MY LAMP Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning, give me in my lamp, I pray; Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning, keep me burning till the break of day. Sing hosanna, sing hosanna, sing hosanna to the King of kings! Sing hosanna, sing hosanna, sing hosanna to the King ! Give me joy in my heart, keep me praising, give me joy in my heart, I pray; give me joy in my heart, keep me praising, keep me praising till the break of day. Give me peace in my heart, keep me loving, give me peace in my heart, I pray; give me peace in my heart, keep me loving, keep me loving till the break of day. Give me love in my heart, keep me serving, give me love in my heart, I pray; give me love in my heart, keep me serving, keep me serving till the break of day. IN MY FATHERS HOUSE. Oh come and go with me, To my father's house, To my father's house, To my father's house, Oh come and go with me, To my father's house, Where there's peace, peace, peace. There's sweet communion there. There'll be no parting there. WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SMILING When Irish eyes are smiling, Sure its like a morn in Spring With a lilt of Irish laughter, You can hear the angels sing. When Irish hearts are happy, All the world seems bright & gay, But when Irish eyes are smiling Sure they'd steal your heart away. MOLLY MALONE In Dublin's fair City, where the girls are so pretty I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone Where she wheeled her wheel-barrow, Through streets broad and narrow, Crying, Cockles and Mussels, Alive, Alive Oh. Chorus Alive, Alive Oh. Alive, Alive Oh. Crying, Cockles and Mussels, Alive, Alive Oh. She was a fishmonger, And sure 'twas no wonder, For so were her father and mother before, And they both wheeled their barrow, Through streets broad and narrow, Crying, Cockles and Mussels, Alive, Alive Oh. She died of a fever, And no one could save her, And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone, Now her ghost wheels her barrow, Through streets broad and narrow, Crying, Cockles and Mussels, Alive, Alive Oh. MOUNTAINS OF MOURNE. Oh Mary this London's a wonderful sight With people here working by day and by night They don't sow potatoes, nor barley, nor wheat But there's gangs of them digging for gold in the streets At least when I asked them that's what I was told So I just took a hand at this digging for gold But for all that I found there I might as well be where the mountains of Mourne sweep down to the sea. You remember young Peter O'Loughlin of course Well now he is here at the head of the force I met him today he was crossing the strand And he stopped the whole street with one wave of his hand And there we stood talking of days that were gone While the whole population of London looked on But for all his great powers he is wishful like me To be back where the dark Mourne sweeps down to the sea.

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A Scout's Campfire Songbook

BANKS OF MY OWN LOVELY LEE. How oft do my thoughts in their fancy take flight To the home of my childhood away, To the days when each patriot's vision seemed bright And I dreamed that these joys should decay. Then my heart was as wild as the wild winds that blow Down the Mardyke through each elm tree There I sported and played 'neath the green leafy shade On the banks of my own lovely Lee. There I sported and played 'neath the green leafy shade On the banks of my own lovely Lee. ORO SE DE BEATA 'BHAILE. Oro se de beata 'bhaile Oro se de beata 'bhaile Oro se de beata 'bhaile Anois ar teacht an samhraidh Se de beata a bhean ba leanmhar B'e ar gcreach tu bheit i ngeibhinn Do dhuice brea i seilbh meirleac 'S tu diolta na Gallaibh. Ta Grainne Mhaol ag teacht thar saile Oglaigh armtha lei mar gharda; Gaeil iad fein no Gaill na Spainnig 'S cuirfid ruaig ag Gallaibh A bhui le ri na bhfeart go bhfeiceann Muna mbeim beo 'na dhiaidh ach seachtain Grainne Mhaol agus mile gaiscioc Ag fogairt fain ar Gallaigh. CLEMENTINE In a cavern, in a canyon, Excavating for a mine Lived a miner, forty-miner And his daughter, Clementine. Oh my darling, Oh my darling, Oh my darling Clementine Thou art lost and gone for ever Dreadful sorry, Clementine. Light she was and like a fairy And her shoes were number nine; Herring boxes without topses Sandals were for Clementine. A Scout's Songbook -- 15 -Drove she ducklings to the water Every morning just at nine Hit her foot against a splinter Fell into the foaming brine Saw her lips above the water Blowing bubbles mighty fine But alas I was no swimmer So I lost my Clementine How I messed her, how I missed her How I missed my Clementine, But I kissed her little sister And forgot my Clementine. And the moral of this story All you Scouts may well define Mouth-to-Mouth resuscitation Would have saved my Clementine EVERYBODY LOVES SATURDAY NIGHT Everybody loves Saturday night Everyone loves Saturday night Everybody, everybody, Everybody, everybody, Everybody loves Saturday night Tout la monde aime Samedi soir (French) Jederman liebt Samstag abend (German) WHAT SHALL WE DO What shall we do with a ----- who's dozy Lies in bed when the morn is rosy, Won't get up 'cos he says he's cosy Early in the morning. Hooray an' up he rises, Hooray an' up he rises, Hooray an' up he rises, Early in the morning. Take him, shake him and jolly well wake him, Take him, shake him and jolly well wake him, Take him, shake him and jolly well wake him, Early in the morning.

A Scout's Campfire Songbook

TAPS Day is done, Gone the sun, From the sea, from the hills, from the sky. All is well, safely rest, God is nigh. Fading light dims the sight; And a star gems the sky, gleaming bright, From afar, drawing nigh, Falls the night. DAYLIGHT TAPS Thanks and praise for our days 'Neath the sun, 'neath the stars, 'neath the sky. As we go, this we know. God is nigh. A VESPER. (Tune: Tannenbaum) Softly falls the light of day, While our camp-fire fades away; Silently each Scout should ask 'Have I done my daily task?' 'Have I kept my honour bright?' 'Can I guiltless sleep tonight?' 'Have I done and have I dared, in Everything to be prepared?' THE DAY THOU GAVEST. The day Thou gavest, Lord, is ended; The darkness falls at Thy behest; To Thee our morning hymns ascended, Thy praise shall sanctify our rest. GO WELL AND SAFELY. Go well and safely, Go well and safely, Go well and safely, The Lord be ever with you. Stay well and safely, Stay well and safely, Stay well and safely, The Lord be ever with you. GOODNIGHT, LADIES. Goodnight ladies, goodnight ladies, Goodnight ladies, we're going to leave you now. Chorus Merrily we roll along, roll along, roll along, Merrily we roll along, O'er the deep blue sea. Goodnight Cub Scouts, Goodnight Scouts, Goodnight Girl Guides, Alternative first verse and chorus Goodnight campers, goodnight campers, Goodnight campers, it's time to say goodnight. Chorus Sadly it's time to part, time to part, time to part, Sadly it's time to part, and to say goodnight NORWEGIAN ECHO We have campfired here By the deep blue sea And the slender trees On a lonesom isle All that we hold dear In the north and south Can be seen so clear in the golden glow As the sun goes down Everything is still Then our camp-fire song Echoes o'er the hill. We have campfired here, By the deep deep fjord. And the slender trees, On Norwegian soil.

A Scout's Songbook

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A Scout's Campfire Songbook

AN tAMHRAN NAISUNTA Sinne Fianne Fail, ata faoi gheall ag Eireinn Buion dar slua thar toinn do rainig chugainn Faoi mhoiod bheith saor, seantir ar sinsear feasta Ni fhagtar faoin tioran na faoinn traill. Anocht a theam sa bearna baoil Le gean a Ghaeil chun bais no saoil, Le gunna-screach, faoi lamhach na boilear Seo libh canaig amhran na bhfiann. Or Soldiers are we whose lives are pledged to Ireland Some have come from a land beyond the wave, Sworn to be free, no more our ancient sireland Shall shelter the despot or the slave. Tonight we'll man the "bearna baoil" In Erin's cause, come woe or wail, 'Mid cannons' roar and rifles' peal We'll chant a soldiers song.

A Scout's Songbook

-- 17 --

Cheers, Yells, and Applauses

Compiled by Daniel R. Mott: Roundtable Staff District 23, West Jordan, Utah With a couple contributions by Gary Hendra, Pack and Troop 92, Milpitas, CA Applause stunts are a great way to recognize a person or den/patrol in a troop/pack meeting for some accomplishment they have performed. Be sure before you start that everyone knows and understands the applause stunt and how to do it. Applause stunts serve more then one purpose they not only provide recognition but also help liven up a meeting. Applause stunts need to be fun. Strive for quality of performance in your stunts. How to Make a Cheers Box Find a Cheer laundry detergent box. Print out these cheers, yells and applauses on card stock. Cut the card stock up so that one cheer is on each piece of paper. Put them all in the Cheer box. Take the box to your meetings or campfires. When it is time for a cheer, have a Scout take the cheer out of the box and lead it. The Cheers, Yells and Applauses Abe Lincoln Cheer: That was great! HONEST! Alka Seltzer Cheer: what a relief it is. Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz, Oh Beaver: Cut a tree by tapping front teeth together, slap your tail by slapping a palm against your thigh, then yell, "TIMBER!" Bear: Growl like a bear four times, turning halfway around each time. Bee: Put arms straight out and pretend to fly, while going "Buzz-z-z-z, Buzz-z-z-z." Ben Franklin: Hold both hands out in front of you as if flying a kite. Jerk back suddenly while saying, "Zap, Zap, Zap."(Lightening) Bicycle Cheer: Pump, Pump, Pump. Big Hand: Leader says, "let's give them a big hand" everybody in the audience holds up one of their hands with the palm up. Big Sneeze: Cup hands in front of nose and sneeze in hands. Having nowhere to put it, wipe your hands in your hair. Big Rock Candy Mountain Cheer: How sweet it is. Big Thumb: Hold out a hand at arms length, make a fist with the thumb up. Variation: Add, "GREAT JOB!!" Black Powder Cheer: Pretend to have black powder in your hand. Pour powder down the barrel. Stamp it down, raise the gun and fire saying, "Click, BANG!" Blast-off: Start counting backwards from 6 to 1. Bend the knees a little more on each count until you are in a squatting position. Then, while saying, "BLAST OFF!", just straight up in the air. Bobcat: times. Stand and give a loud "Meow" three

Almost: With hands far apart, bring them rapidly together but miss just before meeting each other. America: A-M-E-R-I-C-A, Cub Scouts(or Boy Scouts), Cub Scouts, USA! Apollo: Shout: Countdown, 10 - 1 !! BLASTOFF! then with your hand gain orbit and even out. Then say, "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP." Archery: Mimic shooting an arrow, then call out, "Bull's Eye!" Artillery: Begin slowly with the flats of your palms and increase in speed: then slow down until finally the last time the hands are not brought together. Avon Lady: Point a forefinger and shout, "Ding, Dong!" Barber Shop: Make a razor sharp motion on the palm of your left hand with your right hand, turning your right over with each stroke. Don't forget the barber's flourishes. Barker's Yell: Showtime, Showtime!

Bow and Arrow: Make motion as if shooting an arrow and say, "Zing, Zing, Zing." Pretend to release an arrow with each zing. Variation: Slowly draw arrow from quiver on your back. Place arrow against string of bow, pull back, release and say "pffft." Boy/Cub Scout Yell: Rip, Rap, Rap! Rip, Rap, Ree! Loyal Happy Boy/Cub Scouts are We! Boy Scout/Cubby Yell: "What's the best patrol/den?" All the patrols/dens yell back the Boy/Cubby winner's patrol name/den name.

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Cheers, Yells, and Applauses

British Rank Yell: Be Prepared! Be Prepared! Shout! Shout! Shout! Tenderfoot! Second Class! First Class Scout! Broken Arm: Stick arm out in front of you with the lower arm and hand dangling. Swing lower arm and hand back and forth in a limp manner. Broken Trolley: Pull the bell rope as if ringing a bell, repeating "CLUNK, CLUNK, CLUNK." Bull Cheer: Make bull horns with fingers while shouting "El Toro, El Toro !" Bull Fighter: Hold down cape and move to in appropriate motion while shouting "OLE!" Call the Hogs Yell: SOOOOOOOO EEEEEEEE, SOOOOOOOO, EEEEEEEE!!!!!!! PIG PIG PIG PIG!!! Can of Applause: Cheer and applaud as cover is removed from can and become quiet as lid is replaced. Canary Applause (2000 LB): Put hands on opposite shoulders, while opening and closing elbows, say, "Here, kitty, kitty." Cantaloupe: A variation of the "Watermelon". Cup your hands for the cantaloupe and shorten time and noise for spitting out the seeds. Variation: Hold a piece of cantaloupe in one hand, take a fast bite, turn head and spit out seeds. Carpenter: Pretend to be holding a hammer in one hand and a nail in the other. Start pounding the nail with the hammer while saying, "Bang, Bang, Ouch". Cat's Meow: You're the cats MeeeeOOOOW!!! (to person receiving applause) Caught Fish: Hold out left hand, palm up, and make flopping, gasping motions with the right hand on the palm of the left hand. Centipede Yell: Group stands and yells: Ninetynine THUMP!! Ninety-nine THUMP!! Ninety-nine THUMP!! This wooden leg is murder!!! Variation: MY FEET ARE KILLING ME!!! Variation 2: My shoe bill is outrageous!!! Cheerio Cheer: Cheerio-Cheerio-Cheerio. Cheery: Pick a cheery, roll in your mouth, then spit the pit out with a loud "P-TUU." Chinese: Phooey. How! How! How! Phooey, Phooey,

Chinese Bow: Stand, fold your arms, bow from the waist while saying, "Ah Phooey." Christmas Bells: Pretend to hold a bell rope, then get the left side of the audience to say "DING" on the downstroke and the other side of the audience to say "DONG" on the upstroke. Repeat three times. Clam: Fold hands together, interlocking fingers. Make noise by pressing palms together. Class A: Clap rapidly in the following rhythm: 1-23-4, 1-2, 1-2, 1-2-3-4, 1-2, 1-2, 1-2-34...(pause)..One big clap. Class B: Just like the Class A except that on the last clap, you come back with your hands and make one big clap. Class C: Just like the class B except that after missing the clap, you come back with your hands and make one big clap. Columbus: Put hands up like you're holding a telescope and shout "Land Ho". Coconut: Pretend to shinny up a coconut tree,(Place arms out front as if hugging tree, move one hand and arm up a time and then the other), pretend to pick the coconut, let it fall to the ground(whistle as if a bomb was falling), hits the ground with a bang!! Shinny down (reverse your climbing motion), pretend to hit the coconut to open it, then say: THIS SURE IS A NUTTY APPLAUSE!!! Constitution Cheer: We the people, APPROVE! Coo Coo: Everyone nod their heads up and down and say: "COO-COO" as many times as you tell them, as if you were striking the hour. Cookie Clap: Everyone takes a big bowl in their arms. In bowl, dump ingredients to make cookies, such as: flour, sugar, salt, chocolate chips and dill pickles (have the boys tell out the ingredients and you'll get some odd cookies). After the ingredients are in the bowl, you take a big spoon and with stirring motion yell "Crummy, Crummy, Crummy".

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Cheers, Yells, and Applauses

Cork: Hold out one hand as though holding the neck of a bottle. Put a cork in the bottle, then hit it in with the palm of the other hand. Cow: Pretend to milk cow saying: "Squirt, squirt, squirt, moo." Cow Yell: MOOOOO!!! MOOOOO!!! MOOOOO!!! Crab: Have the group stand: Have them pretend to be on a boat, by swaying back and forth, and from side to side, have them grab hold of a rope as if they are hauling in their trap, have them grab the trap box and say: "THIS IS THE BIGGEST KING CRAB I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!" Coyote: Have the everyone stand, cup their hands around their mouth and say: "YIP, YIP, YIPEEEE!!!!!" VARIATION: Add: "ARC, ARC, AROOOOOOOOO!! GEE, It's lonely out here." Cub Scout Yell: "Do Your Best! Be Prepared! Shout! Shout! Shout! Wolf Cub! Bear Cub! Webelos Scout!" Deep Sea Diver: Pretend to put on your diving suit, adjust your helmet, pretend to close face door, and screw the locks in place. Then pretend to jump into the water by jumping one step ahead, pretend to be sinking to the ocean floor, mumbling, "BLUG, BLUG, BLUG!!!" VARIATION: Add the following when you reach the "bottom": walk around very stiffly in a circle, then slowly bend over and pick up something and yell: "I found the TREASURE!!! I found the TREASURE." Desert Yell: "Yucca, Yucca, Yucca !!" Desert Rat: Clutch throat and say: "HOW, HOW, HOW, WATER, WATER, GLUG, GLUG, GLUG." Wipe your mouth and sigh "AHHHHhhhhhh, I sure feel and look better.!!!" Variation: Same as above except when you get the water, take a comb out of the back pocket, dip it into the water, pretend to run the comb through your hair, pull out a mirror , look at yourself and say the last line above. Dip Stick: Pretend to get under the hood of your car, find the dip stick, pull it out, and say, "OH, NO, YOU'RE A QUART LOW!!!" Variation: Add to the above: You could sure use an oil change and pretend to put it back, close the hood with a SLAM!!! Doubtful Yell: How come? (Build up on the HOW COME? Build up on the HOW to a big volume and then cut it off with a soft "COME?") Dreamer: Pretend to snore and wake up. Stretch and say: WOW, that was a Great Dream !!! Drum: On legs make a rat-a-tat sound 3 or 4 times, then hit the stomach two times and say "Boom, Boom". Elephant: Let arm act as a trunk, wave it brokenly in front of your face. Raise your forearm up and down and say, "Peanuts, peanuts anyone?" Eskimo Cheer: Brrrrr-rrr, Brrrrr-rrr. Exhausted Yell: How TIRED? (Build up a loud HOW, with a soft TIRED and a stretch.) Farewell: Hold one hand above the eyes as though looking into the distance while slowly waving the other hand. Ferris Wheel: Move right arm in a large circle, on the upswing say: "OHHHHH!" On the downswing say: "AHHHHH!" Variation: Insert the following between the ooh and aah above: when you are at the top, hold arm in place and rock back and forth and hold other hand over the eyes and say: "GEE, YOU CAN SURE SEE A LOT FROM UP HERE!!! Firecracker: Strike a match on the leg, light the firecracker, make noise like fuse "sssss", then yell loudly "BANG!!" Fire Engine: Divide the group into four sections: (1) Rings the bell fast, DING; (2) Honks the horn, HONK, HONK, HONK; (3) Sounds the siren, Rrrr, Rrrr, Rrrr; (4) Clangs the clangor, CLANG, CLANG, CLANG. Have all four groups do their parts together. Fireman Yell: Water, Water, Water! More, More, More ! Fish: Pretend to a fish by it's tail with one hand with one hand and plug your nose with the other and say: "PEEE-U-EEEEE!!!!" Variation 2: Suck in your cheeks, form an "O" with your mouth, move it as if you were a fish, without making a sound!!! Variation 3: Hold your nose and say: "SMELLY, SMELLY, SMELLY!!! Fisherman: Pretend to reel out some line, let it drift, yank your pretend pole back and start to reel in the fish. Struggle with it for a short time and say: "I'VE GOT IT!!! I'VE GOT IT!!!" Flat Tire: Bend down, attach pump to tire, lift and push on pump three times, then say, "BOOM!" and jump back in surprise.

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Cheers, Yells, and Applauses

Flea Flip: Flick your middle fingernail with your thumbnail. Flintstone: Shake hands over the head and say, "Yabba-dabba-doo". Flower: Like a flower blooming, raise part way in your chair, look around and thumb jump up yelling, "Sproooooong!" Flute: Pretend to be playing the flute and give two big toots. Foil Dinner: "RAW, RAW, RAW !!" Grand How Yell: HOW! HOW! HOO-O-OO-OOW! Fonz: Make a fist thumbs pointing up with each hand in front of you and say "Aaaaaayyyy." Frozen Cub (Scout): Wrap your hands around yourself and say "Brrrrrrr". Fruit Salad: Eat a large piece of pretend watermelon, spit out the seeds, pretend to have a piece of cantaloupe, spit out the seeds, then have a cherry, place a finger in your cheek and give one small pop, as if spitting out the pit of the cherry. Gee: Cup your hand around the mouth and yell: "GEE, YOU DID A GREAT JOB, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!" Variation: Insert the persons name after gee. Variation 2: Insert the persons name as in variation one but also substitute a different phrase honoring the person. Genius Look surprised and say, "Boy look what I discovered" or "Wow, look what I made." George Washington Cheer: That was great. I cannot tell a lie. Variation: Get out axe and swing it at a tree while saying, "Chip, chop, chop, TIMBER!" then yell, "WRONG TREE!" Ghost: Wave hands like a ghost and say: "WHOOOO, WHOO, WHOOOOOOO!!" Variation: Wail, "BOO! BOO! BOO!" three times and then yell: "YAHHH!!" Giant Beehive: Tell the group to buzz like a bee. When your hand is raised, the volume should increase. When you lower your hand the volume should decrease. Practice this at various levels. Go Cart: Stand up with legs bent at right angles, put hands in front of you as if steering and say, "BAAARRROOOOOMMM!" Variation: Add, "Look at me go! BARRRROOOMM!! Grand Sneeze: "A-h-h-h Chooooo! Three times, each time getting louder. Grape: Hold one hand out as if holding a bunch of grapes, with the other hand pick a grape, chew it and spit out the pit. Grape Juice: Every one stomps around as if stomping grapes, then reach down with one hand dipping with a glass and drinking it, saying, "AAAAAhhhhh." Great Job: Have one half of the audience say, "Great" and the other half say, "Going." Alternate each side. Guillotine: Pretend to wind a crank pulling the blade up, tie it off, take an imaginary axe and cut the rope. Knife your hand down like a blade, saying "Slooosh". Then roll one over the other while saying "Thud, flop, flop, flop." Variation: Insert persons name after getting applause on last flop and say: "Haven't you got those heads of lettuce chopped yet. Guppy: Suck in both sides of your mouth and make a kissing noise three times. Half a Hand: Hold up one hand with the palm open, with the other hand, cover the open hand so only half shows. Variation: Add a phrase such as you are handy to have around. Half a How Yell: HUH !!! Half a How and an UGH Yell: HUH, UGH!!! Hamburger: Make a hamburger patty by clapping hands turning left hand on top, then left hand on the bottom. Golf: Shout "FORE" and pretend to hit the ball, place hand over above eyes to follow where the ball went. Variation: Add: Duck and cover your eyes saying: "OH NO! I HIT SOMEONE!!" Gondolier: Make a motion as if polling a boat, singing out: "O, SOLE MIO" Good Turn: Stand up and turn around. Grand: Everyone is sitting down in their chairs. All stomp their feet three times loudly, then slap leg three times, then clap hands 3 times. Then stand up all together and shout "Ra, Ra, Ra!"

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Cheers, Yells, and Applauses

Hangman: Put your hand behind your neck like you are holding a hangman's noose, then roll eyes and stick out your tongue. Handkerchief: Tell the group that they are supposed to applaud as long as the handkerchief you are about to throw in the air, when it hits the floor to stop applauding. Variation: Catch the handkerchief instead of letting it drop. Vary the applauding by using short throws, long throws, throwing to someone in the audience etc. Hay DD Straw: Divide the group into two sections, tell one group that when you point to them they are to yell, "HAY". Tell the other section they are to yell, "STRAW" !!! Vary the speed in which you point to the different groups. Variation: When the leader yells hay or straw, the group responds with the opposite word. Heart and Sole: Slap heart and sole of shoe. Helper: Group stands and cheers, "Great job! Great JOB! GREAT JOB!" Getting louder each time. Home Run: Simulate swinging a bat, then shade your eyes with your hands and yell, "Thar she goes." Hot Dog with Mustard: Get your hot dog and put it in a bun. Pick up the mustard bottle and squeeze some mustard on the hot dog, then take a big bite and say, "Yummmmm!" How Yell: "HOW!" Raise arm to fullest extent and yell: Javelin: Hold hand as if close over a javelin, raise arm above shoulder and pretend to throw the javelin forward, wait a couple of seconds and say "Thud". Jaws(Shark) Cheer: Chomp, Chomp, Chomp. Jaws (version 2): Hold arms to cover face (Hands holding elbows) yell "AAAAAH, HELP!" Jet Clap: Swish your hand across the front of you like a jet and clap your hands twice, real fast to simulate the sonic boom. Jolly Green Giant Cheer: HO, HO, HO! Knight: Kneel and place your right hand on your left shoulder, then on your right shoulder, while saying -- I dub thee Sir Knight. Liberty Bell Yell: freedom ring! Ding, Ding, Ding, Dong! Let

Lightening: With one hand draw a zig-zag in the air in front of you saying, "ZAP, ZAP, ZAP." Lights in the Sky Yell: Look up in the star to find the stars, then say, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle". Livewire: Grab onto a live electrical wire and shake the whole body. Locomotive: Begin on the he heels of your hands, slowly and together. Gradually increase speed, working towards the finger tips and finally over the ends of the fingers. The last part is raise your hand over your eyes as a gesture of looking in the distance. Louder and Louder (a yell from one den or patrol to another): "I like Cub (or Boy) Scouts; yes, I do! I like Cub (or Boy) Scouts; how about you?" And point to the group that is to respond in the same way. Lumberjack: Pretend to be chopping a tree then shout "Chop, Chop, Chop, TIMMMMBERRRR!" Mad Doctor Cheer: sponge, oops. Scalpel, sponge, sponge,

How with a Northern Exposure Yell: How, How, How, Brrrrr! How with a Southern Exposure Yell: How, How, How, You'all! Howdy Yell: HOOOOW DDD DEEEE!!! Howdy Pard: HOOOOW DDD DEEE PARRRD!!!! Indiana Jones: Swing hand and arm back and then forward simulating the snapping of a whip. Snakes, it would have to be snakes. Indian: Stomp feet three times, beat chest three times, 5 Indian yells with hand over mouth. Invention Cheer: I've made it, I've made it, I don't know what it is, but I've made it.

Mad Scientist: Pretend to hold a test tube in one hand. Pour something into it; then something else, then shout "Boooommm!" Marilyn Monroe: (Sway hips) "HIP, hip, hooray", "Hip, hip, hooray."

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Cheers, Yells, and Applauses

Match: Pretend to strike a match on the seat of your pants, it lights on the second try. Look at it burn, shake your hand and yell "YEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOO______OOW!" Mexican Hat Dance: Put hands on feet and stamp feet while turning around in a circle. Milk Shake: Shake contents in a shaker bottle, slurp the drink. Model "T": Pretend to honk your horn and say "Ooooga, Ooooga, Ooooga". Moose Cheer: Place open hands by ears to form antlers and call "OOOOO-AAA-OOOO." Mosquito: With hand, slap yourself on the neck, arms, legs, while saying "Oooo, Aaaah." This can also be done by taking one finger and moving it around in the air as a mosquito flying (making a buzzing sound at the same time), letting it land on your arm, slapping at it, and then shaking off the dead mosquito. Mother Cheer: Mother, Mother, She's the one. If Mother can't do it, it can't be done. Motorboat: Flutter your hand in front of you while your tongue flutters. Motorcycle: Lift up the left foot and slam it down starting the engine with your hands pretending to hold handlebars and saying "V-V-r-aa-a-a-m-m-m-m." Mountain Climbers: Pretend climbing on mountain. A rock slips off. Put your had over your eyes, look down and yell - Look OUT BELOW ! Mount Rushmore Cheer: WASHINGTON, JEFFERSON, LINCOLN, ROOSEVELT ! Mount Saint Helen's Cheer: Make fists out of both hands and put them together. Make the sound of steam building "ssssSSSS", the sound builds; then when the mountain erupts yell "POP as hands and arms extend over the head. Nail Pounding: Start the nail, drive it in and hit the thumb yelling, "OOO-UUU-CCC-HHH!" A Nickel's Worth: Flip your thumb as though flipping a coin, then catch it and slap it on the back of your hand. Olympics: Join hands, raise them over head and shout, "Go for the Gold!" Once Over: Circle hands, at bottom of circle clap palm of one hand and back of the other hand together. One How Yell: Yell the word "HOW" loudly. Can be built up to more how's as needed. OPEC (Oil Well) Yell: CRUDE." "CRUDE, CRUDE,

PTA Clap: Just plain old clapping for those who lack any imagination. Pack/Troop: Everyone yell together, "Clap your hands," then clap hands together two times. Then yell "Stomp your feet," then stomp feet three times on the floor. Then say, "PACK(TROOP) _____ can't be beat." Pack/Troop Cheer: Razzle, dazzle, never frazzle, not a thread but wool. All together, all together, that's the way we pull. Pancake: Pretend to be holding a frying pan and a spatula in your hands. Pretend to put the spatula under the pancake and flip the pancake into the air. Look into the air as though watching the pancake flip in the air. Catch the pancake with the spatula, and flip it on your hand making a loud "Clap." Paper Bag: Make motions to simulate opening a paper bag., forming neck, blowing it up and pop it, saying "POP" loudly. Party Cheer: Throw hands in the air and say, "Confetti, Confetti, Confetti." Pat on the Back: Everyone pat the back of the left shoulder with their right hand. Pennsylvania University Cheer: Draw right fist back to shoulder, then throw punch while yelling P U. Personal Cheer: Stomp feet three times and shout personal name. Pinata Cheer: Pretend to hit pinata, say "Swoosh" (Miss), "Swoosh" (miss), "Swoosh" (hit) "HOORAY." Pinewood Derby: Start with a hand up above the head and then with a crying motion swoop the hand down saying, "Swish, Thud."

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Cheers, Yells, and Applauses

Pinky: Clap little fingers together. Pirate: "Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of Sprite. Variation: Avast Ye land lubbers! Walk that plank! Glub, Glub, Glub. Variation 2: "Hoist the Jolly Roger! We're off to find the treasure! Yo Ho Ho !! Pole Vault: Stand two fingers of one hand on the other arm like legs. Have them run down the arm to the wrist and then leap into the air, as the hand comes down, CLAP! Pony: Clap your hands together, then slap your leg with each hand to simulate a pony trot. Pony Express Yell: Have everyone gallop in place and shout, "YIPPEEEEEEEEEE". Popeye: 1st group yells: "Where's my spinach! Where's my spinach! 2nd group yells: "Toot, toot! You're Popeye the sailor man! Here's your spinach! 1st group: "well, blow me down, I love my spinach! Toot, toot! President: Salute and say: "Hail to the Chief." Pump: Have everyone get out their bucket, hang it on the end of their pump, back up a step or two, then pretend to take hold of the pump handle and start to pump. Do this for about ten pumps and say: "The bucket is full." Race Car: Say "Varoooom" five times starting quietly and increasing in loudness each time while shifting gears with right hand. Rainstorm Cheer: To simulate rain, have everyone pat one finger of the left hand and one finger of the right hand. Gradually increase the intensity of the storm by increasing the fingers hitting together. Decrease the number of fingers as the storm passes. Real Big Hand: Make a fist with the thumb extended, put thumb to lips and pretend to blow, open hand and extend fingers gradually with each puff. Hold up hand when fully extended. Relay: First person in row claps next person's hand and so on down to the end of the row. Reverse Applause: Move hands away from each other. Road Runner: Beep-Beep-Zoom." Robot: Walk stiff legged with arms in place saying in a monotone voice, "DOES NOT COMPUTE, DOES NOT COMPUTE!" Rooster: Placing your thumbs in your armpits, wave the arms up and down while crowing. Round of Applause: While clapping hands, move them around in a circle in front of you. Rudolph: Put thumbs to your head with fingers up, forming antlers. Wrinkle your nose, saying. Blink, Blink, Blink." Salt and Pepper: Hold both fists out in front of you and raise up the thumbs. Gradually increasing the number of fingers hitting together. Decrease the number of fingers as the storm passes. Santa Claus: Reach out and hold stomach saying loudly, "HO, HO, HO" three times. Variation: Add: "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Santa Claus Chimney: Pretend to be driving your sleigh, say: "Whoa!" (pulling up on the reins), get out of the sleigh, pretend to climb into the chimney, begin to slide down and struggle, say: "Wheeze, grunt, rattle, clank, oh, no," move hands as if falling trying to grasp the sides of the chimney, then yell: "Craaaasssshhhh and then put your finger to your mouth and say, "Shhhhhhh!" Satellite: Put your right hand over your head, making a circular motion with the right hand, opening and closing the right fist, while saying "Gleep, Gleep, Gleep". Variation: Begin with a countdown from 10, at zero, yell, "BLASTOFF! stretch arm over head saying "Gleep, Gleep, Gleep" and turn around three times. Saw: Pretend to get a piece of lumber, measure it, pretend to draw a line, place pencil behind the ear, pick up your pretend saw and begin to saw holding your lumber with one hand and sawing with the other, while making your best sawing impression. Seal: Extend arms, cross hands at the wrist and flap hands several times. Seal of Approval: Put your thumbs in your armpits, then move arms up and down like a seal moving its flippers and say "Arf, Arf, Arf" several times. Variation: Add: Pretend you are balancing a ball on the end of your nose. Siesta Cheer: Remain seated and pull an imaginary sombrero over face while snoring loudly.

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Cheers, Yells, and Applauses

Silent Yell: Raise both fists to level with hand and shout without any sound while shaking both fists. Or else have everyone stand in unison and open their mouths and scream without making any sound. Silent Smoke: Make a fist with one hand, point the index finger, hold it close to the chest, then with a circular motion, begin to slowly raise your arm, keeping the finger extended until it is high over your head. Six Shooter: Point finger in the air and say "BANG" six times, then blow smoke from the end of the gun. Skateboard: Stand up and move top part of body from one side to the other as if trying to keep balance and say, "Zoooommm." Sky Rocket: Make a motion of striking a match on your pants, lean over to light your rocket. Make a "SH, SH, SH" sound, point from the floor to the sky as if you were following it in flight with your finger. CLAP hands and say "BOOM" spread arms wide and say "AH____AH____AH". Sleigh: Say "Ding-a-ling" three times. Stamp of Approval: Pound the palm of your left hand rapidly with your right fist. For another version, throw a handkerchief or cap in the air, have the boys stamp their feet until the cap hits the floor. Steamboat: Use both hands to make large rotary motion as if they were paddle wheels. At the same time say "Chug-achug-chug". Then reach up with the right hand and pull down saying "Toot, Toot". Super-scout: Faster then a speeding bullet, more powerful then a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. It's Super-scout! Swimmer's Belly: Put both hands out in front of you and slap your hands together once. Look both ways and say, "Where's the water, where's the water." Swine Yell: Suueeee, Pig! Pig! Pig! Sword: Pretend to have a sword in your hand. Swing it across the body three times saying, "Swish, Swish, Swish." Texas How: How! How! Howdy pardner! Umpire: Stee-rike! Two-Handed Saw: Everyone pairs off into two's. Each pair sticks their hands out with their thumbs up. Alternately grab each other's thumbs until all four hands are each holding a thumb. Move arms and hands back and forth as if sawing. Three Strikes: Turn head to the side sharply while saying, "Strike!" Do these three times and end with, "You're out!" Tiger: Shout, "Grrrreat! Thrust fist upward Tony Tiger style. Tightrope Walker: Have your arms out as if balancing on a tightrope. Lean to one side and say "Aaaiiiii" as you simulate falling. Tonto: Leader says "Where does Tonto take his trash?" The audience yells in reply, "To de dump, to de dump, to de dump dump dump," to the rhythm of a running horse in a sing-song manner while clapping hands on thighs. (Like Lone Ranger) Tortilla: Slap both hands together, alternating one hand and the other >from top to bottom. On every fourth clap, shout, "OLE!" Toucan Yell: Hold hands in front of mouth, simulating a bird opening its beak, several times while saying "TOUCAN, TOUCAN, TOUCAN! A CUB(SCOUT) CAN TOO!!!" Train: Divide audience into groups to make different train sounds, get faster and faster until a bell rings. Trumpet: da-da-da-da-dada-da-da-CHARGE! Turkey Yell: Say "Gobble, gobble,," then rub stomach saying "Yum, yum". Turtle: Fold arms in front of face with face hidden. Two & One-half How's or How How Ugh Yell: Yell "How, How, Ugh!!" (as this is done emphasize each How with your fist in front of your body. On Ugh, yank your arms back to the side of your body. Do it more rapidly and bit off each word more quickly each time. Two & One-half How's (Tired): Instead of UGH, use a tired slow UUUUUUHHHHHH. For a variation, try the contented HOW, giving a sigh instead of the UGH.

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Cheers, Yells, and Applauses

Viking: Attack! Attack! Attack! Retreat! Retreat! Retreat! Retreat! Walk: Tramp, Tramp, Tramp. Watermelon: Hold a piece of watermelon in both hands, make the motions of taking several bites, turn head and spit out the seeds. Webelos Yell: Webelos are great, they can't be beat! So let's give a yell, Webelos are swell! Weight lifter: Attempt to lift bar-bell and say "AAAaagh!" as you get the weight up above the head, then drop it to the floor saying, "THUD!" When I Do: The orders are "When I bring my hands together, you do. When I do not, you must not." Then go through several false motions to see if you can catch the group napping. Western How: Stamp feet three times, slap knees three times, whip hand around head three times, and yell "YIPPI-I-A." Whip: Pretend to holding a whip and make the motion of snapping it in the air while saying "YWAH, YWAH, YWAH". Witch: Say in witchy voice: "Heee, Heee, Heee." Wolf: Wolf, wolf, wolf, then give wolf howl. Yodelers: Cup hands around mouth saying, "Yodel, ley, lee, who."

Page 9

Shaggy Dog Stories

From the MacScouter Scouting Resources Online site @ www.macscouter.com

Dogs in the Wild West

One hot and dry day in the Wild West, this dog walks into a saloon and says, "Gimme a beer". Evidently this type of thing wasn't too rare 'round those parts because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here." The dog then took out a silver dollar, dropped it on the bar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer." This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartender, getting a little irate, said one more time, "We do not serve dogs here. Please leave." The dog growled, so the bartender pulled out a gun and shot the dog in the foot! The dog yelped, and ran out the door. The next day, the swinging bar doors were tossed open and in walks the dog that had been in the saloon the day before. He was dressed all in black. A black cowboy hat, a black vest, three black cowboy boots and one black bandage. The dog looks around, waits for the talking to quiet down, and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw." -- Thanks to Steve Poggio, [email protected]

The Very Special Bus

There once was this man who was looking for a job. He applied for a bus driver's job at the county board of education. The head of the school board granted him an interview. During the interview the man was told there was only one bus driver job left, the one that drove the special education bus. The man said he would take the job but the school offical asked that he look at the bus first. They went outside down a row of yellow school buses and at the end was a small van with Seasame Street characters painted all over it. The man was a little reluctant at first but the offical told him all the kids would be at the bus stops and all he had to do was pick them up in the morning and take them home in the evening. The man need the job badly so he took it. The first day on the job he comes to the bus stop and there is a little girl standing there who is very fat. She gets on the bus and the driver says, "Hi! What's your name?" The girl replies, "My name is Patty" and takes a seat. He comes to the next stop and there is another little girl there who is fatter than the first. She gets on the bus and the driver asks, "What your name?". She says "My name is Patty" then takes a seat by the first girl. At the next stop there is a little boy standing there. When he gets on the bus he says, "Hi I'm Ross and I'm special." At the next stop there is another little boy standing there and when asked his name he says, "Hi I'm Lester Cheatum". Lester takes the seat behind the driver, pulls off his shoes. He starts picking the loose skin on his bunyons and throwing it at the driver. This being the last stop, the driver takes the group of special kits to school. This same scene happens every day for a week. On Friday the driver goes into the superintendent's office and say, "I quit! I can't take it anymore!" When asked why the driver says, "Every day it's the same thing! Two obese Patty's, special Ross, Lester Cheatum picking bunyons on a Seasame Street bus". -- Thanks to John Sugg, [email protected]

Shaggy Dog Stories

-- 1 --

The MacScouter

Dances with Cucumbers

May 5, 1863 -- Here on the frontier, I sometimes wonder if the ancients were right. With no other friendly face within 150 miles, it seems as if I _have_ fallen off the edge of the Earth. I spend my time now reading what books I have and cultivating my patch of cucumbers (which I brought back from the Holy Land, cf. _Prince_of_Thieves_). The "purpose" of this fort, to hold back the Indians, has fallen away with my civilized veneer. May 7, 1863 -- This morning I had an interesting and silent encounter. One of the tribe of Indians nearby watched me perform my morning tasks and then left without a word. I am excited by the prospect of contact with the natives of the area. May 20, 1863 -- I have finally convinced the Indians to parlay with me. I taught them the word for "fort", feeling that it would be simple enough for them to learn. They in turn taught me the Indian word "titonka", apparently a small but tough, powerfully merchandised horseless carriage of metal construction. I envy these people their simplicity. June 7, 1863 -- Today I visited the Indians' village. It is on one of the many flat-topped plateaus in the area. As the decline of the buffalo proceeds, so too does this Indian tribe face decline. I will try to teach them agriculture. They have also told me their name for themselves. It is "Anasazi"... which apparently means "people called Anasazi" in their language. I am called by them "Stinchapecsal" which means "he who should bathe more regularly". July 8, 1863 -- A rude awakening. The Indians are fully aware of agriculture and in fact have nothing to do with the buffalo (what kind of nomadic tribe would build a village on a _mesa_?); unfortunately, they are suffering a drought. Knowing a remedy, I have told them to dig a ditch from the nearby stream up the mountainside to their mesa-top fields. In the meantime, I am pickling my cucumbers. July 20, 1863 -- The drought is desperate, but the ditch is finished and my pickles are ready. I am lining the ditch with pickles. The Anasazi are doubtful, but I have promised them results in the morning. July 21, 1863 -- Success! The stream has been diverted and now flows up the mountainside to the Anasazi fields. Amazed by this seeming magic, I told them that it was simply a well-known fact in my world. After all, everyone knows that "dill waters run steep". -- Thanks to Steven Andrew Wolfman, [email protected]

The Bush Pilot

A British bush pilot is flying on a job through the Australian outback when he encounters engine problems and is forced to make a crash landing. He survives, but is found unconscious and is taken to a local mission hospital which is run by the Sisters of Mercy. Upon awakening, he is greeted by the mother superior who advises him where he is and asks if there is anything he wants. He replies, "I am a bit thirsty...could I have a cup of tea?" to which the mother superior says, "I'm terribly sorry, but our supply truck is late and we are out of regular tea. However, we do have a sort of native drink that is brewed from koala hides." the pilot thinks awhile and replies, "Well, I just have to have my cuppa...you can bring me that, thanks." The nun leaves and returns in a few minutes with a steaming cup. The pilot takes the cup gratefully, but upon taking a sip, instantly gags and spits it out. "This tea is filled with hair!", he exclaims disgustedly. "Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry!" The nun replies, "I forgot to tell you: The koala tea of mercy is not strained!" -- Thanks to Bill Snedden, [email protected]

Shaggy Dog Stories

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The MacScouter

Buford at the Bank

Buford, a fairly handsome Southern Bullfrog, hops into a bank lobby one day, brief case neatly tucked under his right foreleg. Buford hops up to the first open teller window and sits down in front of a teller, Miss Mary Greene. He announces, "I need a loan." Miss Greene, not wanting to look too uncool with this frog talking to her, pauses only briefly to reflect on this situation, then says, "Well, the Everglades Savings and Loan doesn't usually give loans to amphibians." Quickly opening the brief case, Buford produces construction permits and blueprints. Showing them to Miss Greene, he says, "But I need a loan. You see I have this construction project in mind. Down in the swamp, we need affordable housing for all my in-laws and out-laws. I have the permits. Freddy, an architect newt friend of mine has drawn up the plans. Everything is approved and in order. So you see, all I need is the financing." For Miss Greene, this is getting stranger by the moment. It isn't enough that there is this talking frog only inches in front of her, but now he is talking about plans, permits and a newt architect. Just before she loses it completely, Miss Greene blurts out, "I can't help you. You must see our loan officer, Miss Black. Wait here for a moment and I'll get her." Miss Greene is gone for a while. After several minutes of animated conversation at the other side of the bank she returns with the loan officer. "Hello, I'm Miss Patricia Black, the Loan Officer here. How can I help you?" Well, Buford goes through his speach once again, tells her about the plans and permits, about the housing and his friend Freddy the newt architect. Thinking she could put an end to this foolishness quickly, Miss Black asks, "What do you have to put up for collateral for a loan? You must have something of value to mortgage against a loan like this." Buford digs into his brief case once more. "I have this!" he exclaims as he draws forth a crystal trinket on a silver chain. "I can't give you a loan based on this THING," Miss Black says, pointing at Buford's treasure. Buford begs. He pleads. Finally, Buford demands to see the bank manager. Miss Greene, the teller, leaves for a moment to get the bank manager. Another animated conversation ensues at the other side of the bank. The manager comes over and asks "What's the problem, Miss Black?" "Well, Mr. Brown..." and the Loan Manager explains that the frog wants to take out a loan, to construct housing in the swamp for his in-laws and out-laws and he has plans and permits, but all he has is this trinket as collateral. The manager bemused by this whole situation, takes the trinket in hand, examines it carefully, then hands it back to Buford saying, "It's a knick knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan." -- Thanks to Kevin Doyle , and elaborated by Gary Hendra Let's try that one again... A frog walks/hops into a bank, and asks to see someone about applying for a loan. "Oh, Mr. Paddywack will be glad to help you," says the teller, looking down at the frog rather dubiously. "Just have a seat at that desk over there, and he'll be right with you." So the frog sits down, and presently, the loan officer comes over. "Good day, sir, how may I help you?" he says, raising an eyebrow. "I need a loan," says the frog, "I want to do some rennovations on my lillypond." "Well..." says the loan officer, "we are not in the practice of approving loans for amphibians..." he said condescendingly, looking over the rims of his hornrimmed glasses. "But why not?" exclaims the frog, "I've got an excellent credit record! I've never been late on my visa payment!" The loan officer sighs. "Sir, I'm afraid we would need some type of collateral, and I'm-" "But I've got it!" exclaims the frog. "I've got an extensive collection of hummels I can use as collateral-" "I'm sorry," cuts in the loan officer, "but I don't think we'll be able to help you," he begins, but just then his supervisor comes up behind the desk. "What seems to be the problem?" he says to the loan officer. "Uh, um, Sir, this fro- um, gentleman, wanted to obtain a loan," says the loan officer, "but I've been trying to tell him that we can't-" "I've got a hummel as collateral!" the frog breaks in. "What in the world is a hummel???" says the loan officer condescendingly.

Shaggy Dog Stories

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The MacScouter

The supervisor looks exasperated. "It's a nick-nack, Paddywack! Give the frog a loan!" -- Thanks to the Giant Panda, Tony Quon, [email protected]

Soviet Ingenuity

So the Soviets got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found out that the Soviet scientists had developed a new grain that yielded twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time. Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was called "Krilk". The CIA was panicked! Without the Soviet dependency on American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised. Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to send back images of the factory deep in the Soviet Union that was processing the Krilk. The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to useless because they could only see the outside of the building, not the actual milling of the harvests. Finally the Soviet Ambassador in Washington sent a message to the President of the U.S. to let him know that all further attempts to learn the secrets would be futile. The message read...."You are wasting your money. Everyone knows that it's no use spying over milled Krilk!" -- Thanks to Steve Poggio, [email protected]

A Long Way to Go...

It came to pass that a very poor peasant was down to his last meal. Deciding he could no longer live in squalor, he decide to sell the only thing he owned... his talking mule. This was no ordinary Francis type of talking mule, this one could tell jokes and sing and keep the local townspeople very happy. With much regret, the peasant sets off to the big city to sell his mule. He sets up on a street corner and the mule draws an immediate crowd. The mule is so funny that the crowds can't remain standing because they're laughing so hard. Finally, a man comes up to the peasant and says "I'm a talent scout for The Tonight Show. I MUST have your mule for our show." Unfortunately, the talent scout had just been pickpocketed, and had lost his wallet. The only thing of value he had was a subway token. He convinced the peasant to trade the mule for the "Magic Token of Good Fortune" and secured the mule. On the way home, the peasant realized that he had been taken, and he was broken hearted. He used his subway token to get him to the edge of the city. When he put the token in the slot, alarms went off and he was notified that he was the 1 billionth rider of the subway, and that he just won 50 million dollars. Meanwhile, the Mule was so funny that he took over Jay's job, and eventually put Dave, Conan, John and every other late nighter out of business. The Morale of the story: A Mule that is funny is soon bartered. -- Thanks to David Stribling

Shaggy Dog Stories

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The MacScouter

The King's Throne

In the deep forests of equatorial Africa, two rival tribes were constantly trying to outdo each other. Since they shared a common hunting area, one might set up fake prey decoys in order to have the other waste their time in useless locations while the first would then be able to hunt the better area with out having to worry about having their catch stolen at the last minute. At other times, they might kidnap a member of the rival tribe, and paint embarrassing pictures on the captive's body before releasing him(her) back to his own tribe. The two tribes were mostly non-violent, choosing to avoid war, although skirmishes did result when one side or the other was seen as crossing the line past acceptable competition. On such occasions the two tribal Kings would meet to personally resolve the matter and even administer discipline if required. On one occasion, a group of warriors of one tribe stole the throne of the other tribe's King. Although this throne was big and heavy, they dragged it through the forest to their own village and displayed it in the tribal gathering structure where the village held its ceremonial meetings and celebrations. The local King was very pleased with the prank, but was jealous of his rival having a bigger and better throne than he did. He knew that if the throne was not returned in a couple of days, the rival King would visit to retrieve the throne and demand the guilty parties be punished. On the other hand, he wanted to keep the throne for himself. The council agreed that the throne could be hidden in the rafters of their ceremonial house until the other tribe gave up looking for it; leaving the local King to claim it as his own in time. To celebrate this great achievement and their clever plan, a party was thrown in the ceremonial house that evening. While the party was in progress in the building, the heavy weight of the throne stowed in the rafters caused the whole edifice to collapse injuring many of the tribesmen inside. The rival King arrived and uncovered the whole plan, prompting him to remove the throne and to discipline the local King for participating in the theft. The moral of the story is that people who live in grass houses, shouldn"t stow thrones. -- Thanks to Elmer Thiessen, [email protected]

Roy Rogers and the Couger

There was this western town whose ranchers were being bothered by a cougar. This cougar had attacked the ranchers livestock on many occassions. The ranchers in this town hired the famous Roy Rogers to lead a posse to track down this cougar and kill him. Roy lead this posse wearing his brand new alligator skin boots. he had just acquired them as was very proud of the way they looked. After tracking the cougar for a number of days, they finally came upon him. Roy took a shot but missed, letting the cougar get away. That night the posse set up camp. While everyone was sleeping, the cougar attacked the campsite, but was chased off without anyone getting hurt. Unfortunately in the foray, the cat did destroy Roy alligator skin boots. Roy was very upset about losing his new boots. He rode back to town (which was painful without boots), got an old pair of boots, and went out after the cougar by himself. After a few days of tracking, he caught up with the cougar. He picked up his rifle, aimed, and with one shot, killed the cougar. He placed the cougar on the back of the horse and rode back to town with it. As the ranchers in town saw the carcass on the back of the horse they came out and cheered Roy's success. As he rode up in front of the hotel, surrounded by cheering ranchers and townfolk, Dale Evans came out of the hotel and asked, "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?" -- Thanks to Marc W. Solomon, [email protected]

Shaggy Dog Stories

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The MacScouter

During the French Revolution

During the French Revolution, the "common people" were intent on ridding themselves of all vestiges of the Royalty and nobility. The Reign of Terror ensued and all nobility was hunted down. Some were allowed to leave the country, however most were executed at the guillotine. One nobleman in particular had sent his family into hiding in hopes of saving them. Soon he was caught. The crowd searched in vain for his family, but they were well hidden. Threats were made but he always replied, "I'll never tell!". Finally the crowd dragged him to the guillotine and offered to let he and his family leave the country if he would only disclose their location. Again he replied "I'll never tell!". They dragged him up onto the platform next to the horrible machine and asked him again. Still he replied "I'll never tell!". They laid his neck across the cutting board and asked him once more. Again he replied "I'll never tell!". They slowly hoisted the blade and again asked for the location of his family. Weakly he replied " I'll never tell". They waited to see if his resolve would fail, he remained silent. Just as the executioner pulled the release and the blade began to fall the Count called out "Wait, I'll tell, I'll t....." The moral to this story, don't hatchet your Count before he chickens! -- Thanks to Frank Brown, [email protected]

Sir Lancelot's Mission

King Arthur sends Sir Lancelot out on an important mission to deliver a message to the king of Spain. It is a long distance, and Lancelot looks in the Kingdom for a good horse to take him there. His own horse is sick, and all he can find is an old mare, but, since he has to leave quickly, he takes the mare. About 3 days out of the Kingdom, Lancelot realizes his mistake. The horse gets tired and appears to be going lame. He finally makes it to a small village and gets to the Inn. He goes up to the Innkeeper and explains his problem. That is, he needs a good horse so that he can fulfill his mission to deliver the message for the king. The Innkeeper replies that this is only a small village, and most of the horses around are not up to the task. He is welcome to look around, however, and if he can find anything, he is certainly welcome to it. Lancelot looks around the village, and true as the Innkeeper has said, no good horse is to be found. As Lancelot is about to give up, he comes across a stable boy carting some feed. He asks the stable boy if there is any beast of burden in the village that he can use to fulfill his mission. The stable boy thinks for a minute, and starts to reply no, but then says, go see if Old Mange in the barn can help you. Lancelot goes over to the barn expecting to find a horse. What he finds is a very large dog: almost as large as a pony. The dog is a mess, however. It is mangy, parts of its fur are falling off, and it is full of fleas. Lancelot is desperate at this point, and he looks it over carefully. It does, however, appear to be strong enough to take him to Spain (which is only 3 days away at this point). Lancelot goes back to the Innkeeper, and acknowledges that he cannot find a horse in the village that he can use. He says, however that this dog, Old Mange, might be able to take him most (if not all) of the way to his destination. The Innkeeper hears this, stiffens up, and says : Sir. I wouldn't send a Knight out on a dog like that. -- Thanks to Steve Jacobson, [email protected]

Shaggy Dog Stories

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The MacScouter

Farmer Jones and the Big Quake

On a bright and sunny morning in May, Farmer Jones went out to plow his fields. He led old Bessie, his plow horse, out of the barn and hitched her up to the plow. The aroma of newly plowed earth wafted behind him as he produced a ruler straight furrow across the field. Suddenly his reverie was broken as a strong earthquake struck. As the ground shook beneath his feet, he fell to his knees. His plow fell over almost on top of him, as did old Bessie. But, beyond the fence in the next field, the bull remained standing. Farmer Jones stood, dusted himself off, and grabbed the reins to right old Bessie. He pulled the plow upright, hitched up the horse again and began to plow. Shaken somewhat by the strange experience, the furrow began to zig a little from side to side as Bessie pulled the plow blade through the fertile ground. After only a few seconds a strong aftershock rolled through the farm. Again it was strong enough to knock Farmer Jones from his feet, topple his plow, and with a loud protest, drive old Bessie to the ground. This time the farmer looked back across the field toward the house and noticed that the goats and cows had fallen over, too .... But, beyond the fence in the next field, the bull remained standing. Shaken and puzzled, Farmer Jones picked himself up and dusted off his overalls. Righting the horse and plow, he quieted old Bessie as best he could. She seemed more rattled by all this that he was. As strong as the two earthquakes were, Farmer Jones could not understand how the bull remained standing. So he started toward the other field to see if he could find out what was going on with the bull. As he crossed the field, and climbed through the fence into the field where the bull stood, a very strong aftershock struck -- much worse than either of the preceding earthquakes -- putting him on the ground flat on his face. Looking behind himself he saw Old Bessie and the plow had fallen down again. Down toward the house the goats and cows had fallen down again. In fact, this aftershock was so strong that the chickens had fallen over as well. The front porch on the farmhouse had crashed down and the walls looked as though they would not last much longer. But, only a few feet away from him, the bull remained standing. He picked himself up, dusted off, and without bothering to right either horse or plow, marched toward the bull. Shaken to the core, puzzled and angry, Farmer Jones shouted, demanding to know why everything on the farm had been knocked over by the earthquakes and the bull had remained on his feet. Much to Farmer Jones' astonishment, the bull replied, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down!" --Thanks to Kyna & Gary Hendra, [email protected]

The Doctor's Drink

It seems there was a friendly little bar right next to a medical training hospital in the big city. Many of the doctors and nurses would stop in there on their way home, after long shifts in the hospital. One day, a local college student named Gina, intent on earning book money for the next term, came into the bar looking for a job as an evening bartender. As it happened, one of the bartenders had just quit, providing the needed open position. The owner was quite happy to give her the position and began her training that evening. As she was being briefed about the "regulars", the subject of one of the more unusual doctors came up. Every day, at the end of his shift, one particular Doctor Avery came in for a rather unusual drink. He always ordered a Walnut Daiquiri. A Walnut Daiquiri is a strange drink -- not the kind of fruity drink one would expect. It was thought the good doctor must have invented it for himself, finding some special pleasure in the taste of walnuts. A few days later Doctor Avery arrived just as the new bartender, Gina, was going on duty. When queried as to his desired libation, as expected, the doctor ordered a Walnut Daiquiri. The bar tender set about making the daiquiri, and discovered to her horror that there were no walnuts to be found. She quickly searched behind the bar, the refrigerators and in the back room. Nothing! She was in a fix -- she wanted to keep Doctor Avery as a good customer, and didn't want him to complain to her boss. Thinking quickly, she searched once again for something to substitute. Finding another nut ... figuring that this was a weird drink to begin with, and after a long day, the doctor wouldn't notice, anyway. Setting the drink before the doctor, she could see a certain relief come over the him, as at the end of a hard day, he anticipated the refreshment that awaited him. The doctor raised the glass to his lips, took a

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big swallow, and coughing and sputtering, demanded to know if she were attempting to poison him. "Young lady, exactly WHAT is this you have just given me?" he demanded. Putting on her best innocent face, Gina the new bartender replied, "Well, that's a Hickory Daiquiri, Doc!" --Thanks to Kyna & Gary Hendra, [email protected]

Yes Men

OK, you know that in Hollywood, every movie producer has his "Yes Man" whose job is to follow the producer around and say, "Yes, CB", "Right, CB" and so on. Well, one of these Yes Men got depressed, so down in fact that he was unable to function. So he consulted a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist quickly determined the problem, and told the Yes Man that he just had to find a release for his negative feelings, and say "No." "But if I said 'no' I'd get fired!" The yes man protested. The psychiatrist said, "Oh, I don't mean on the job, I mean go out to the Grand Canyon and find a ledge off the trail, and there you can yell 'NO!' to your heart's content and no one will be the wiser." Well, the Yes Man decided to try it. He went to the Grand Canyon and found a spot off the trail, and stood there and very timidly said, "no." It felt good, so he tried it a little louder, "No." Even better! soon he was shouting "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!" at the top of his lungs and feeling great. He went back to work a changed man, and said "Yes!" with all the proper enthusiam, because on the weekend he could escape to the Grand Canyon and say "NO!" Other Yes men decided to try this also, and soon every weekend the Grand Canyon was crammed with Yes Men shouting "NO!" A new Yes Man came to Hollywood, and he too felt the need of such a release, but when he tried to find a ledge in the Grand Canyon, all of them seemed to be taken. He hunted and hunted, but everyplace he found was already taken by another Yes Man. Finally he found a small ledge which had been overlooked because of its size. Thankfully he scurried out on it and stood there and said "No." It felt great! So he wound up and released an enormous "NO!" and in so doing lost his balance and fell to his death. Which just goes to prove that a little No Ledge can be a dangerous thing. -- Thanks to Hugh R Jochn and Steven Andrew Wolfman, [email protected]

Ft. Worth Zoo Finds Extroardinary Talent in Ordinary Gnu

Ft. Worth - The Ft. Worth Zoo today has an animal which may be the rival of Co-Co the gorilla. Maddie the Gnu was to be moved to her new home in the Zoo this morning, but until the Gnu's Pen could be readied, Richard Leak, the Zoo's African Fauna expert, advised leaving Maddie in the bathroom. The bathroom had been almost complete except for tiling the floor. This morning the floor was completely tiled. Zoo officials insist that no one was in that bathroom all night except the wildebeast. If that is true, the Wildebeast managed to tile 350 sq. feet of public bathroom in one night. "These animals have capabilities we simply cannot know," was Richard Leak's comment on the subject. Leak also lent some insight on the circumstances of the animal's arrival: "[The Fort Worth Zoo] had recently been given a large donation to make 'real wildlife' accessible to the public, so I was asked to find ... perfectly average animals for the zoo. This was supposed to be an absolutely typical wildebeast." The bathroom mentioned is a large public bathroom adjacent to the gnu's living area. The new marble tiling for which Maddie is purportedly responsible was described as "excellent, an incredible job" by the professional tiler who arrived today to do the job. Both the new bathroom and the new animals are being funded by the same grant from Telco Corporation's president and CEO, Linda Skarst. Ms. Skarst is a wildlife activist and felt that exposure to real animals in their natural environments would encourage children to become comfortable with wild animals. When asked if Maddie could still qualify as an average representative of her species after this incident, Ms. Skarst replied, "Oh, yes! This just proves that Maddie is ... a typical gnu and a tiler, too." -- Thanks to Hugh R Jochn and Steven Andrew Wolfman, [email protected]

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Rabbi Liebner in the Valley of the Treads

On the topic of celestial guidance, Rabbi Liebner has something of an odd contribution... The town of Treadville was small but prosperous and lay in a high valley surrounded by higher mountains. The Treads (for that is what they named themselves) were wealthy enough to love more than work and humble enough to make more than money. Little disturbed their peace until a late autumn night. On that night, the Treads beheld a small but bright light gleaming from the top of a neighboring mountain. Curious in their ease, they soon decided to climb the mountain -- the highest of those around -to discover the source of the light. None arrived at the summit. At a point about halfway to the peak an extension of the mountain, seemless in the granite and shaped like an immense foot, lurched from the slope and hurled the luckless climbers from the slope. Strangely, few were harmed by the fall, but none reached the peak. And so for years, decades, and then centuries the Treads wondered what could be the source of that radiant glow? Then, one day, one Rabbi Liebner entered the village and learned of the mystery of Tread Valley. The Rabbi was fascinated by the story and felt the touch of God in its weave. That night he watched the light and knew. He knew that he had been chosen to seek its source. The Treads were not jealous of their mysteries; they invited the Rabbi to climb the peak the next day... and made all preparations for his inevitable fall. Thus, he set out. That afternoon, Rabbi Liebner reached Foot's Fall, the point where the mountain made its wishes known..... and nothing happened. The Rabbi continued upwards to the cheers of the town; at sunset he reached the summit. There, on the mountain's brow, he stumbled to a halt. Before him stood a brilliant temple bathed in celestial light, encircled be a holy sheen. Rabbi Liebner was awed. Finally, he summoned the strength to murmur a question and a prayer. "Oh Lord, thank you for this vision! But why have I been chosen to surmount this peak? Why not the good people of Treadville in the many years they have tried?" And to his eternal joy, the Rabbi heard in a thunderous voice from heaven, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Treads."

The Mosquito

The other night my wife yelled from the bathroom that there was a strange bug flying around in there. She had just started to get her bath and get ready for bed. Sometimes she likes to burn scented candles while relaxing and this was one of those times. I came in and spotted a mosquito that was flitting around the light. It had been trapped in a spider/cob web and was still dangling a pice of web from it's body. This is what made it look so strange. Anyhow, I picked up a slipper and started to swat the thing. Well I missed as usual and asked my wife to hand me the fly swatter. I made one more swipe then yelled "never mind." I had contacted on the last swing and knocked the mosquito into the candle flame. There was a puff of smoke and the candle went out. She asked if I got it. I picked up a pair of tweezers and lifted the dead bug out of the melted wax and candle wick. As I held it up I said "Yeah...I waxed the little sucker." --Thanks to Randy Crowe

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The Chicken in the Library

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!" The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears. The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!" The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears. The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..." -- Thanks to Tony Quon, [email protected]

The Page

Once upon a time there was a large and prosperous Kingdom run by a wise and powerful King. Then disaster struck in the form of a strange plague, which caused people to sicken and die horribly within a few weeks. The population of the Kingdom was declining rapidly. All the physicians in the land were called to the Kingdom, but none of them had any idea of what to do about this new disease. The oldest of the physicians said that he had once heard that many years ago, when his grandfather was a boy, the Kingdom had been struck by just such a mysterious sickness. The pestilence had been ended with a magic potion prepared by an old sorceress. It was said that she was still alive, but her home was in the middle of the Dark Forest. "The Dark Forest!" everyone gasped. They all knew that the Dark Forest was the most dangerous place in the region. Perhaps the most dangerous place in the entire world, for in the Dark Forest lived the Yellow Fingers, which grabbed any traveler who entered and would squeeze him to death. But no one could come up with another plan to save the Kingdom, so it was decided that someone had to defy the Yellow Fingers and find the ancient sorceress in the middle of the Dark Forest. The King called his bravest Knight and explained the situation. Without hesitation, the brave Knight marched off into the forest ... and was never heard from again. The King then called his second bravest Knight. The second bravest Knight hesitated for a moment before going into the fatal forest. But once he went in ... and was never heard from again. So the King called his third and fourth bravest Knights, who took a bit more persuading. None of them ever returned from the forest. Finally the remaining Knights, who were not very brave at all, went into hiding. The King was reduced to a state of despair. Then one of the King's young pages, came to him and offered to go into the Dark Forest and get the magic potion from the old sorceress. The King was touched by the boy's foolish bravery, but he said, "Don't you realize that the Dark Forest is the home of the Yellow Fingers, and that many of my bravest Knights have perished there?" The boy said that he knew all about it, but he was still quite sure that he would be able to accomplish his mission. In the end the King reluctantly agreed to let the page go. He was so desperate that he didn't know what else to do. The Page walked off into the Dark Forest, and the King confidently expected never to see him again. Therefore the King was not merely surprised but very nearly hysterical with joy when, two days later, the Page came walking out of the Dark Forest clutching the formula for the magic potion that would save the Kingdom.

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"How did you do it?" cried the King The page just smiled, and said, "From now on let your Pages do the walking through the Yellow Fingers." -- Thanks to Merl Whitebook, Troop 1, Tulsa, Okla

A Tale of Two Pets

I remember it was about that time that Jim Sloane used to work in our Finance Branch. Now that was a character. He was, in my opinion, an unusual individual who was interested in some rather exotic subjects. The most unusual thing about him was his pet, (rumoured to have been captured somewhere in Africa) which reminded me of a piece of granite with eyes, which he called Teddy. Teddy typically just sat there, doing nothing, but sometimes it lifted a lower edge and sucked in powdered sugar. That was all it ate. No one ever saw it move, but every once in a while it wasn't where people thought it was. There was a theory that it moved when no one was looking. Bob Laverty, a Management Services employee, constantly ridiculed poor Teddy, saying mean and nasty things about it. Laverty's pet looked like an iguana, and to me, at least, was the ugliest looking thing that you would ever want to see. He called this 'iguana' by the unlikely name of Dolly. Well, one day Sloane had had enough of these comments, and challenged Laverty to a race. His Teddy against Laverty's Dolly. And to make things a bit more interesting, he suggested a rather hefty wager on the outcome, which Laverty quickly agreed to. Soon everyone got into the act. Every one of them bet on Dolly. At least it moved. Sloane covered it all. He'd been saving his salary for some time (for some exotic project, no doubt) and put every penny of it on Teddy. The race course was set in the basement garage. At one end, two bowls were set out, one with powdered sugar for Teddy, and another with ground meat for Dolly. Dolly started off at once and began moving along the floor slowly toward the meat. All in attendance cheered it on. Teddy just sat there without budging. "Sugar, Teddy. Sugar." said Sloane, pointing. Teddy did not move. It looked more like a rock than ever, but Sloane did not seem concerned. Finally, when Dolly had 'ran' half-way across the garage, Sloane said casually to Teddy, "If you don't get out there, Teddy, I'm going to get a hammer and chip you into pebbles." That was when people realized how truly different Teddy was. Sloane had no sooner made his threat when Teddy just disappeared from it's place and re-appeared smack on top of the sugar. Sloane won, of course, and he counted his winnings slowly and luxuriously. Laverty said bitterly, "You knew the damn thing would do that." "No, I didn't," said Sloane, "but I knew he would win. It was a sure thing." "How come ?", said Laverty. "It's an old saying everyone knows. Sloane's Teddy wins the race." --Thanks to Jim Speirs, [email protected]

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Freddy Fish

Freddy Fish and Sam Clam were the best of friends, and did everything together. One day, though, both perished in a freak mishap. Freddy Fish went to heaven, and immediately looked around for his best friend. Not finding him, he asked St. Peter where Sam was. "Sorry, he didn't make it in." "You mean he's down there?" asked Freddy. "Yes." "Well, I want to go see him!" "This is highly unorthodox," said St. Peter. "I'll ask the big guy." Moments later St. Peter returned and said: "You can go, but you can only stay for one hour." "Great!" said Freddy, and grabbed his harp before anyone changed their minds. He went to the elevator, and went down. When the elevator doors opened, Freddy saw a huge sign: SAM'S DISCOTHEQUE He went in, and discovered that it was run by his old friend. They sat down and reminisced about old times, and had a few drinks. Time flew by, and when Freddy noticed his watch, he saw that he had fifteen seconds left to return. He jumped out of his chair, yelled a goodbye to Sam Clam, and raced to the elevator. The elevator doors opened in heaven with only one second to spare. St. Peter was standing there with a stopwatch. "You just barely made it," said St. Peter. "I know," panted Freddy, out of breath. "But I have to go back there!" "What do you mean!?!" asked an incredulous St. Peter. So Freddy Fish says (* groan *): "I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!" -- Thanks to "The Giant Panda - B.J.O.D. Owner / Moderator", [email protected]

A Hard Day's Knight

Many years ago a traveler came to the ancient land of Day. As he traveled through the country side he saw many fields and pastures. The people working the land all appeared to be peasants, living in abject poverty. However all he passed seemed to be in good spirits. Asking a peasant how he could be so happy while living in such an impoverished state the man told him that this land was ruled by a huge, intelligent and benevolent bear called King Mu. He continued to inform the traveler that while he was poor now he could, when he thought he was ready, participate in a kind of rite of passage and become a knight. Asking what was involved in this rite the peasant replied,"You know the usual stuff, drinking till dawn, reciting sports scores from five years past, telling tall tales about women he had never met, discussing the advantages of the designated hitter rule, and many other things of similar difficulty." The traveler agreed that would be a grueling test indeed. "Tell me peasant, what are the rewards for passing such a test?" asked the traveler. "Why, sir, when you are made a knight you receive all the goodies. You get things like a Royal Express card. No limit on those things you know sir. You can move to a nice Condo on the beach, and maybe even get a trophy wife to replace the one you got now." "Amazing!", said the traveler ,"This I would have to see to believe." "There's a test going on now in the capital." said the peasant. So the traveler moved on down the road to the capital to see for himself if all was as the peasant had said. Passing through the gates and into the beautiful capital city he saw that the Festival of Testing was indeed in progress. In the center of the town, on a raised ornate throne sat King Mu, who was indeed a bear and looked that if he stood , would be at least twelve feet tall. Moving through the crowd the traveler

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saw three men standing before the throne. Two of the men looked to be in fine shape, clear of eye, with their collars buttoned down and wearing a neck scarf in a power color. Both had at some point in the competition won the honorary Rolex sun dial, which they wore on their wrists. The third man however, looked horrible. His eyes were blood shot, and as he stood holding his head, he looked like he was not to steady on his feet. Rising from his throne the king approached the two men and placing a huge paw on each of their shoulders the king announced, " These two men I make knights and grant unto them all the privileges they deserve." Turning to the third man the king said, "This man did not however pass the test." With that he raised a paw and much to the traveler's horror struck the man down, killing him on the spot. At that point a king's aide brought forth a great shaggy dog , at least four foot at the shoulder, and presented it to the grief stricken family. Turing in shock and confusion, the traveler asked the man standing next to explain what had just transpired. "Why, everyone knows," said the man, "there's nothing better, after a bad Day's knight, than the dog of the bear the hit you." -- Thanks to Hugh & Terry Fitler, [email protected]

The Monks Tale

Three friars were banished from their monastery for various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving. One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home. Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." and all the people gave up and went home. A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it. When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again. The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars. -- Thanks to Hugh B. Fitler, [email protected]

The Rabbi's Tale

There was once a rabbi who undertook a missionary-style trip to a South American rain forest country. He was to spend a year with a very primitive, remote tribe known only as the Trids. The rabbi knew that the only way to gain their acceptance would be to adopt all of their many tribal customs, such as dress, diet, studying their beliefs and so on. Much of this was difficult to learn for the city-born rabbi, but as the months progressed he grew in the many ways of the Trids. One day, returning from an extended walk in the rain forest, the rabbi entered the tribal village to find the entire Trid tribe lined up side by side in the village commons area. Behind this line walked the tribal chief. One by one he would stop behind each tribe member and deliver a swift kick to the rear end. This,

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thought the rabbi as he watched, is one of the strangest rituals I've seen yet. But he knew that he must participate if he wished to win their confidence. Solemnly he took his place at the end of the line. The chief reached the end of the line and was just about to deliver the kick when suddenly he realized that it was the rabbi before him. "I cannot do this thing", said the chief firmly. The rabbi was shocked. Wasn't he yet accepted by the tribe? "Why not?" he asked. The chief replied, "Silly rabbi! Kicks are for Trids!" -- Thanks to Hugh & Terry Fitler, [email protected]

Alexander's Dilemma

The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6:00PM each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least! So he called in his research guys and set up a project to come up with a method of determining the time at 6:00PM each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. (The smallest was a giant water clock) "Find a way my staff can determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6 o'clock!", he said, "Cost is no object." A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed color at 6 each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6 by the color change, and could get to the meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much. It was then turned over to the marketing group to come up with a name of this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the color change", said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the wrist watch." This name was immediately hooted down as being too bland and obvious. Another man suggested it be worn in the navel and could be observed by looking down, therefore it should called the Navel Observatory. This idea was rejected out of hand as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public. Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a Timeband, and in honor of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as 'Alexander's Rag Timeband!' -- Thanks to Hugh & Terry Fitler, [email protected]

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The Poor Little Dutch Boy

Life was desperate in rural Holland. As far as he could remember, the poor little dutch boy could remember nothing but hardships. Food was scarce, his father was abusive, and there was nothing to do after school but chores. Every day was another hardship. The boy loved to dive from the windmill into the canal, but his father hated to find that he had skipped out on his chores. Whenever he returned, his father would beat him. However, if he didn't skip out, his fater would find a reason to beat him anyhow. Life was nothing but hardships, except for the secret escapes to practice diving from the windmill. Eventually the boy, now in his late teens, heard of a great contest in far-away Atlanta. The best divers in the world, along with the best of everything else would meet to decide who was REALLY the best. It would be the perfect escape from the hardships of his mundane life. He runs away from home, sneaks aboard a freighter in Rotterdam and waits. No good. Of course, he is discovered. Beaten by the crew, bloody, he is sent home to his unimpressed father, who finds new hardships for him to endure. A better storyteller than I could tell you of his next four or five attempts to get to the Atlanta games, each of which failed, yielding nothing but ever more painful hardships. The poor little dutch boy stoicly endured each of them, perservering and enduring. Eventually, he stows away in a cruise liner heading for the USA. He isn't found until four days out at sea. The captain has the discretion of calling for a chopper to take him back to the Netherlands, or to let him continue the trip and let immigration in Atlanta deal with the problem. The captain listens to the boy describing how he's been doing difficult dives all his life, and how demonstrating the perfection he's developed to the rest of the world in Atlanta is his only chance to escape from the hardships of his normal life. The captain decides to let the boy demonstrate his abilities. If the boy can execute a perfect dive from the top of the radar mast, he can continue to the Olympics. So, the radar is turned off, and the boy climbs the hundred feet to the top of the radar mast. He looks down. He has never dived from a ship before. The gentle sway of the ship is magnified by the height of the radar mast. He didn't expect this. looking down, he sees ... pool, deck, sea, deck, pool, deck, sea, deck, pool... he jumps! ... and misses! He crashes right THROUGH the deck! Everyone runs for the stairs to see if he's OK. There's a splintered hole in the B deck. Even the metal decks of the C, D, and E decks have been burst. They find the crumpled body crumpled against the very hull itself, and even that is dented. Everyone is astonished when he sits up, dazed, but apparently unhurt. The captain, horrified and apologetic, rushes forward. "My goodness! I never should have asked you to try that! Are you OK? " The boy shakes his head and answers: "That's OK. I'm used to it. I've been through many HARD SHIPS before." -- Thanks to Greg Goss

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The Excaped Panda

A panda bear escapes from the zoo and is forced to live on his own. It turns out that he really enjoys eating in nice resturants, but of course being a panda with no job and no money he is unable to pay his bill. Being, also, an exceptionally intelegent panda he devises a scheme that lets him eat in any resturant he wishes. One day he decides to try a particularly nice resturant but when he asks the maitre d' for a table he's told, "I've hear about you. Your the panda that never pays for his meal. We won't seat you here." So, the panda leave the resturant and sits on a benchacross the street from the resturant and contemplates his empty tummy. Some while later the panda sees the maitre d' leave the resturant. The panda goes back and asks the assistant maitre d' for a table, and is seated by the assistant who has never heard about the panda's tricks. The panda has a wonderfull meal. (At this point you may "shaggy dog" this story as much as you like, or the audience will bear. Give details about the wonderfull meal the panda enjoys) Just as he finshes desert the panda is aproched by the maitre d' who has returned to discover the assistant maitre d's mistake. When the maitre d' demands payment the panda pulls a gun, shoots the maitre d' and starts to leave. The assistant maitre d' stops the panda and asks, "Where do you think you are going?" "I'm leaving." "You can't leave!" "Sure I can." "No you can't!" At which point the panda produces the encyclopedia voulme "P", opens it and tells the assistant, "Read this." The assistant maitre d' reads aloud: "Panda, an animal indigenous to China that EATS, SHOOTS and LEAVES." -- Thanks to Dan O'Canna Lexington, Kentucky

The Big Headache

There once was a man who decided he had to visit Australia once in his life. He read up on everything he could find, visited all the Australian web sites on the Internet and saved his money so he could make this once in a lifetime vacation. The day finally came when it all came together and he was ready to leave. He boarded the plane and some hours later stepped off the plane at Sidney International. Australia at last! Unfortunately, on his first day sightseeing, he began to get a bad headache. Thinking it was probably just jet lag he took two aspirin and continued his tour. The headache didn't go away, however, so he asked the tour guide where was the best place to go for treatment. "Sir, you'll want to go to the emergency room at the Mercy Hospital", the guide told him, "Its not far from here." At the hospital, the doctor suggested he stay there overnight for observation and he agreed. He was assigned a room and a nun who was a nurse came in to see him. When he told her about his headache, she asked him if he had tried their Koala tea. "Its made from the fur of the Koala bear and has great healing properties", she said. He said he was willing to try anything at that point and asked that she bring him a cup. Presently, the nun came back in with a cup of liquid. He looked in the cup and saw it had a mass of hair in the bottom. Feeling rather nausous, he said he didn't believe he could drink the tea with all that hair in the cup. "Couldn't you strain it out or something", he asked. The nun was indignant. She said, "Sir, I'll have you know the Koala tea of Mercy is not strained!" - Thanks to Hugh & Terry Fitler

Shaggy Dog Stories

-- 16 --

The MacScouter

The Rope

I was Abilene's sheriff. I think I was the youngest sheriff in the territories. One afternoon, while I was playing 5-card stud in my favorite saloon, I happened to glance out towards the street. I saw a rope ride into town. Right away I knew it was trouble. Nobody likes ropes. This one had been riding all day. It looked as dry, and it probably smelled as bad, as the old straw broom that One-Eye Judd has been using in his stable for the last five years. The rope headed straight for the saloon where I was sitting, obviously hankering for good whiskey to wash away the trail dust. I could see how the rope moved like a cobra, maybe 30 feet coiled in the dust and ready to lash out. I checked my shootin' iron under the table, trying not to be obvious. The rope used its "head" to push the saloon's swinging door open. It snaked its way across the floor to the bar, pulled itself up onto a stool and called for a drink. The bartender was a new fellow from Larame. He glared at the rope and said, "Are you a rope?" When the rope answered, "Yes", the bartender said, "Get out. We don't serve ropes in here." When the rope didn't move, the bartender carefully reached over the bar, took hold of the rope's main coil with one hand, while holding its "head" in a death grip with the other hand, walked to the door, and threw all 35 feet of the noisome thing out onto the street. A couple of the men smiled, but nothing else happened. I relaxed and picked up my cards again. Apparently there wasn't going to be trouble. But then I heard someone bellow, "That stinkin' rope is heading for the other saloon! Let's get him!" I looked at my cards -- 4 jacks. Why does trouble always wait till I draw a winner? I hurried out into the street, just as the rope entered the other saloon. I could see how tired the rope was, really dragging itself. I felt sorry for the poor thing, but I didn't let the townfolk see this in my face. One man can't fight an entire town, if you take my meaning. In less time than it takes to load a six-gun, the rope came flying out the saloon door and landed in a heap in the middle of the street. Well, it was a rope. What else did it expect? I knew this affair wasn't over. So I stood in the shadows and waited. After a few minutes, I saw two other ropes slinking down the far side of the street. They crossed over and began to talk with the newcomer. I could hear most of what they said. "What happened to you?" asked one of the local ropes. The newcomer described what had happened in each saloon. "Oh," said third rope, "obviously you don't know the trick. Watch me." The third rope unravelled both of its ends until they looked like paint brushes. Then the rope looped and twisted itself into a tangled mess. I wondered how it could keep track of itself like that, or even know where its ends were; but it scooted handily across the street and under the swinging door of the nearest saloon and up onto a barstool inside. I was impressed. Can you slide 100 feet on your stomach with your arms and legs twisted together? I guess ropes have the instinct for it. I watched as the bartender approached and asked suspiciously, "Are you a rope?" The rope replied, "Nope, I'm afraid not." -- Thanks to Cathy Porter, NATIVE TEXAN, Webelos Den Leader, Pack 1087

Shaggy Dog Stories

-- 17 --

The MacScouter

The Doctor

A doctor was just starting out on his own, when he found that he just had too much work to do. Now this man was brilliant, and had particularly good peple skills. Once he got a patient, they would just not see anyone else. It seems that this man had been reading recently about the advances in cloning, and decided to have a clone made of himself to do his work. For years it worked perfectly. His clone took care of all his patients, and he got to relax. However, the clone began to have some personality disorders. it would insult patients, and treat them very badly. It got soo bad that business was suffering. The doctor decided that he just had to get rid of the clone or loose his business. So......one morning on their morning jog.... they jogged right over a bridge. The doctor pushed the clone over to his death. The doctor again began seeing his old patients, and things were going exceptionally well, until a fisherman "caught" the dead clone body in the river. When the police found that the real doctor was still, in fact, alive, and that this was a clone, they didn't know just what to charge the doctor for doing wrong. After much deliberation, they decided to charge him for... Making an obscene clone fall. -- Thanks to Cheryl Rogers

Shaggy Dog Stories

-- 18 --

The MacScouter

Stories

Compiled by Rick Clements

This is a collection of stories that I have found. I found many of them on Scouting related discussions on different computer networks. I have used some of them at campfires and as part of Cub Scout ceremonies. Rick Clements

INDIAN STORIES

WHY THE CHIPMUNK HAS BLACK STRIPES

Once upon a time, long ago, the animals had tribes and chiefs just like the people. Porcupine was the head chief of all the tribes because nothing could ever get near enough to hurt him. One night, Porcupine sent out word calling all the animals together for a great council of the tribes. He had a very important matter for them to consider, he said. From far and wide, from treetops and holes in the ground, the animals came hurrying in answer to their chieftain's summons. They built a great blazing council fire in the forest and seated themselves around in a big ring. Then Porcupine stood up to address them. His quills quivered and gleamed in the firelight, and for a minute or two, he did not speak. He looked very much worried indeed. "I cannot decide," he said, finally. "I cannot decide whether or we shall have night or daylight all the time." Well, that started a great commotion. Everyone had something different to say. Some wanted it daytime always and some wanted it night. They all talked at once, and they all talked very loud so you could not hear what any of them were saying, except Bear. He rocked to and fro on his hind legs, trying to drown out the others by rumbling in a big deep voice, "Always night! Always night! Always night!" A little chipmunk who had been sitting on the outskirts of the council became annoyed. Chipmunks hate to sit still for any time. "You can talk all you like," he shrilled out in his tiny squeaky voice. "You can talk all you like, but the light will come whether you want it or not. The light will come." The other animals did not pay any attention to him but went on bawling and roaring and growling until they were hoarse. Chipmunk danced with excitement on the outskirts of the crowd shrieking, "The light will come! The light will come!" And before they knew it, a faint flush had crept up the sky, and the golden disc of the sun rose above the treetops. Shafts of sunlight touched the tops of the open space where the council met. The fire looked weak and pale. It was daylight. An astonished silence settled upon the gathered council of the animals. Could it be possible that it was daylight whether they wished it or not? A shrill voice suddenly piped up from the edge of the assembly. "What did I tell..." "Grrrrr!" Chipmunk was gone like a flash through the trees with Bear after him. Bear was clumsy and Chipmunk so quick that he slipped into a hold in a tree before Bear could catch him. But, just before he disappeared, Bear struck at him with his paw. The black stripes that run down the chipmunk's sides today show where Bear's claws hit him long ago at the council when the animals tried to decide whether they should have darkness or daylight all the time.

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 1 --

HOW DOGS CAME TO THE INDIANS

Two Ojibwa Indians in a canoe had been blown far from shore by a great wind. They had gone far and were hungry and lost. They had little strength left to paddle, so they drifted before the wind. At last their canoe was blown onto a beach and they were glad, but not for long. Looking for the tracks of animals, they saw some huge footprints which they knew must be those of a giant. They were afraid and hid in the bushes. As they crouched low, a big arrow thudded into the ground close beside them. Then a huge giant came toward them. A caribou hung from his belt, but the man was so big that it looked like a rabbit. He told them that he did not hurt people and he like to be a friend to little people, who seemed to the giant to be so helpless. He asked the two lost Indians to come home with him, and since they had no food and their weapons had been lost in the storm at sea, they were glad to go with him. An evil Windigo spirit came to the lodge of the giant and told the two men that the giant had other men hidden away in the forest because he like to eat them. The Windigo pretended to be a friend, but he was the one who wanted the men because he was an eater of people. The Windigo became very angry when the giant would not give him the two men, and finally the giant became angry too. He took a big stick and turned over a big bowl with it. A strange animal which the Indians had never seen before lay on the floor, looking up at them. It looked like a wolf to them, but the giant called the animal 'Dog.' The giant told him to kill the evil Windigo spirit. The beast sprang to its feet, shook himself, and started to grow, and grow, and grow. The more he shook himself, the more he grew and the fiercer he became. He sprang at the Windigo and killed him; then the dog grew smaller and smaller and crept under the bowl. The giant saw that the Indians were much surprised and please with Dog and said that he would give it to them, though it was his pet. He told the men that he would command Dog to take them home. They had no idea how this could be done, though they had seen that the giant was a maker of magic, but they thanked the friendly giant for his great gift. The giant took the men and the dog to the seashore and gave the dog a command. At once it began to grow bigger and bigger, until it was nearly as big as a horse. The giant put the two men onto the back of the dog and told them to hold on very tightly. As Dog ran into the sea, he grew still bigger and when the water was deep enough he started to swim strongly away from the shore. After a very long time, the two Ojibwa began to see a part of the seacoast which they knew, and soon the dog headed for shore. As he neared the beach, he became smaller and smaller so that the Indians had to swim for the last part of their journey. The dog left them close to their lodges and disappeared into the forest. When the men told their tribe of their adventure, the people though that the men were speaking falsely. "Show us even the little mystery animal, Dog, and we shall believe you," a chief said. A few moons came and went and then, one morning while the tribe slept, the dog returned to the two men. It allowed them to pet it and took food from their hands. The tribe was very much surprised to see this new creature. It stayed with the tribe. That, as the Indians tell, was how the first dog came to the earth. -- An Ojibwa story, thanks to Harold Stein

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 2 --

HOW FIRE CAME TO THE SIX NATIONS

Often, around the fire in the long house of the Iroquois, during the Moon of the Long Nights, this tale is told. Three Arrows was a boy of the Mohawk tribe. Although he had not yet seen fourteen winters he was already known among the Iroquois for his skill and daring. His arrows sped true to their mark. His name was given him when with three bone-tipped arrows he brought down three flying wild geese from the same flock. He could travel in the forest as softly as the south wind and he was a skillful hunter, but he never killed a bird or animal unless his clan needed food. He was well-versed in woodcraft, fleet of foot, and a clever wrestler. His people said, 'Soon he will be a chief like his father.' The sun shone strong in the heart of Three Arrows, because soon he would have to meet the test of strength and endurance through which the boys of his clan attained manhood. He had no fear of the outcome of the dream fast which was so soon to take. His father was a great chief and a good man, and the boy's life had been patterned after that of his father. When the grass was knee-high, Three Arrows left his village with his father. They climbed to a sacred place in the mountains. They found a narrow cave at the back of a little plateau. Here Three Arrows decided to live for his few days of prayer and vigil. He was not permitted to eat anything during the days and nights of his dream fast. He had no weapons, and his only clothing was a breechclout and moccasins. His father left the boy with the promise that he would visit him each day that the ceremony lasted, at dawn. Three Arrows prayed to the Great Spirit. He begged that soon his clan spirit would appear in a dream and tell him what his guardian animal or bird was to be. When he knew this, he would adopt that bird or animal as his special guardian for the rest of his life. When the dream came he would be free to return to his people, his dream fast successfully achieved. For five suns Three Arrows spent his days and nights on the rocky plateau, only climbing down to the little spring for water after each sunset. His heart was filled with a dark cloud because that morning his father had sadly warned him that the next day, the sixth sun, he must return to his village even if no dream had come to him in the night. This meant returning to his people in disgrace without the chance of taking another dream fast. That night Three Arrows, weak from hunger and weary from ceaseless watch, cried out to the Great Mystery. 'O Great Spirit, have pity on him who stands humbly before Thee. Let his clan spirit or a sign from beyond the thunderbird come to him before tomorrow's sunrise, if it be Thy will.' As he prayed, the wind suddenly veered from east to north. This cheered Three Arrows because the wind was now the wind of the great bear, and the bear was the totem of his clan. When he entered the cavern he smelled for the first time the unmistakable odor of a bear: this was strong medicine. He crouched at the opening of the cave, too excited to lie down although his tired body craved rest. As he gazed out into the night he heard the rumble of thunder, saw the lightning flash, and felt the fierce breath of the wind from the north. Suddenly a vision came to him, and a gigantic bear stood beside him in the cave. Then Three Arrows heard it say, 'Listen well, Mohawk. Your clan spirit has heard your prayer. Tonight you will learn a great mystery which will bring help and gladness to all your people.' A terrible clash of thunder brought the dazed boy to his feet as the bear disappeared. He looked from the cave just as a streak of lightning flashed across the sky in the form of a blazing arrow. Was this the sign from the thunderbird ? Suddenly the air was filled with a fearful sound. A shrill shrieking came from the ledge just above the cave. It sounded as though mountain lions fought in the storm; yet Three Arrows felt no fear as he climbed toward the ledge. As his keen eyes grew accustomed to the dim light he saw that the force of the wind was causing two young balsam trees to rub violently against each other. The strange noise was caused by friction, and as he listened and watched fear filled his heart, for, from where the two trees rubbed together a flash of lightning showed smoke. Fascinated, he watched until flickers of flames followed the smoke. He had never seen fire of any kind at close range nor had any of his people. He scrambled down to the cave and covered his eyes in dread of this strange magic. Then he smelt bear again and he thought of his vision, his clan spirit, the bear, and its message. This was the mystery which he was to reveal to his people. The blazing arrow in the sky was to be his totem, and his new name - Blazing Arrow. At daybreak, Blazing Arrow climbed onto the ledge and broke two dried sticks from what remained of one of the balsams. He rubbed them violently together, but nothing happened. 'The magic is too powerful for me,' he thought. Then a picture of his clan and village formed in his mind, and he patiently rubbed the hot sticks together again. His will power took the place of his tired muscles. Soon a little wisp of smoke greeted his renewed efforts, then came a bright spark on one of the stick. Blazing Arrow waved it as he had seen the fiery arrow wave in the night sky. A resinous blister on the stick glowed, then flamed - fire had come to the Six Nations ! Stories compiled by Rick Clements -- 3 --

-- An Iroquois story, thanks to Harold Stein

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 4 --

TAIL OF FIRE

So long ago that the time could not be counted by suns or moons, a band of Cowichan Indians was drying deer meat in the sun. They spoke of how good it would be if they only had a small sun to warm them when the big sun left to let darkness come. They thought that they would never get that thing because what they wanted would take much power and magic, more than even their most powerful shamans had. As the people wished and talked, a little bird chirped loudly close by. It flew close to the people and they saw that it was a beautiful brown bird with a bright red tail which seemed to flicker even when the bird sat still. The bird looked down on the Indians from a branch just over their heads. 'What do you want, little bird?' asked an old man who had power to speak with birds. 'Nothing do I wish, Wise One, but I bring you what you wish,' it replied. 'I have something which is called fire on my tail, which is hot like a small sun. It will comfort you when the winds of winter blow, cook your meat, and bring cheer when the sun has gone, but it must be earned. Tell your tribe to meet me here when the sun comes again and ask each one to bring a little dry branch with pitch pine on it.' Before the people could ask why, the bird suddenly disappeared. 'We should obey the wishes of that bird,' the old man counseled. 'It may bring much good fortune to us.' When the sun shone again, the people awaited the coming of the bird. Each carried a pine branch with pitch pine on it, as they had been told. A loud tweet made the people look upward. The brown bird sat on a branch above their heads, though nobody had seen it come. It asked in a language that all understood, 'Are you ready?' They answered, 'Yes!' 'Then you must follow me, and the one who first catches up with me will be given fire, but only if the one who does so is one who does right, is patient, and tries hard without losing courage. Come!' The bird flew off over rough ground and thick forest. The chase proved too hard for many and they gave up. Over fast-flowing streams and dangerous marshes and swamps, the bird flew. More and more of the people had neither the strength nor courage to keep on and they were forced to drop out of the chase. 'Too hard!' 'Too difficult!' 'Too dangerous!' they gasped as they fell on the ground to rest. At last one young warrior got close enough to call to the bird, 'Give me of your fire, little bird. I have followed you far and well and I have done no wrong.' 'It is not as you say,' said the bird, flying higher and faster than before. 'You think only of yourself. That is bad. You shall not have my fire.' A second young man caught up with the bird. 'Share your fire with me,' he called. 'I am a good man.' 'A good man does not take that which belongs to another,' the bird answered, flying faster and faster. Soon, seeing it was no longer followed, the bird flew to the ground and perched beside a woman who was nursing an old man who looked very sick. 'Bring a dry branch with pitch pine on it,' said the brown bird. 'Fire have I on my tail and you shall have it. It will keep your sick man warm and cook your food.' The woman was afraid of a bird that could speak. When she found her voice, she said, 'You are good, little one, but I deserve not a magic gift. What I do, I do because it is right. The inner voice tells me that I must take care of one who is sick.' 'Much good I know you do,' said the bird, 'and it is greater good than that done by many people because the good you do, you think is only your duty. Come, bring a branch and take of my fire. You think first of others, so you may share the gift with them.' The woman gladly brought a branch and lit it at the little fire which flickered on the bird's tail. Since that time, the Indians have had fire. -- A Cowichan Story, thanks to Harold Stein

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 5 --

THE FIRST MOCCASINS

There was once a great chief of the Plans who had very tender feet. Other mighty chiefs laughed at him; little chiefs only smiled as he hobbled past; and though they did not dare to smile, the people of the tribe also enjoyed the big chief's discomfort. All of them were in the same canoe, having no horses and only bare feet, but luckily very few of them had tender feet. The unhappily medicine man who was advisor to the Chief-of-the- Tender-Feet was afraid and troubled. Each time he was called before the chief he was asked, 'What are you going to do about it?" The 'it' meant the chief's tender feet. Forced by fear, the medicine man at last hit upon a plan. Though he knew that it was not the real answer to the chief's foot problem, nevertheless it was a good makeshift. The medicine man had some women of the tribe weave a long, narrow mat of reeds, and when the big chief had to go anywhere, four braves unrolled the mat in front of him so that he walked in comfort. One day, the braves were worn out from seeing that the chief's feet were not worn out. They carelessly unrolled the mat over a place where flint arrowheads had been chipped. The arrowheads had long ago taken flight, but the needle-sharp chips remained. When the big chief's tender feet were wounded by these chips, he uttered a series of whoops which made the nearby aspen tree leaves quiver so hard that they have been trembling ever since. That night the poor medicine man was given an impossible task by the angry chief: 'Cover the whole earth with mats so thick that my feet will not suffer. If you fail, you will die when the moon is round.' The frightened maker of magic crept back to his lodge. He did not wish to be put to death on the night of the full moon, but he could think of no way to avoid it. Suddenly he saw the hide of an elk which he had killed pegged to the ground, with two women busily scraping the hair from the hide, and an idea flashed into his groping mind. He sent out many hunters; many women were busy for many days; many braves with hunting knives cut, and women sewed with bone needles and rawhide sinews. On the day before the moon was round, the medicine man went to the chief and told him that he had covered as much of the earth as was possible in so short a time. When the chief looked from the door of his lodge, he saw many paths of skin stretching as far as he could see. Long strips which could be moved from place to place connected the main leather paths. Even the chief thought that this time the magic of the medicine man had solved tenderfoot transportation for all time - but this was not to be ! One day, as the big chief was walking along one of his smooth, tough leather paths, he saw a pretty maiden of the tribe gliding ahead of him, walking on the hard earth on one side of the chief's pathway. She glanced back when she heard the pitter- patter of his feet on the elk hide pathway and seemed to smile. The chief set off on the run to catch up with her, his eyes fixed on the back of She-Who-Smiled, and so his feet strayed from the narrow path and landed in a bunch of needle-sharp thorns! The girl ran for her life when she heard the hideous howls of the chief, and Indians in the distant village thought that they were being attacked by wildcats. Two suns later, when the chief was calm enough to speak again, he had his medicine man brought before him and told the unhappy man that next day, when the sun was high, he would be sent with all speed to the land of shadows. That night, the medicine man climbed to the top of a high hill in search of advice from friendly spirits on how to cover the entire earth with leather. He slept, and in a dream vision he was shown the answer to his problem. Amid vivid flashes of lightning, he tore down the steep hillside, howling louder than the big chief at times, as jagged rocks wounded his bare feet and legs. He did not stop until he was safely inside his lodge. He worked all night and until the warriors who were to send him on the shadow trail came for him, just before noon the next day. He was surrounded by the war-club armed guards. He was clutching close to his heart something tightly rolled in a piece of deerskin. His cheerful smile surprised those who saw him pass. 'Wah, he is brave!' said the men of the tribe. 'He is very brave!' said the women of the tribe. The big chief was waiting just outside his lodge. He gave the guards swift, stern orders. Before the maker of magic could be led away, he asked leave to say a few words to the chief. 'Speak!' said the chief, sorry to lose a clever medicine man who was very good at most kinds of magic. Even the chief knew that covering the entire earth with leather was an impossible task. The medicine man quickly knelt beside the chief, unrolled the two objects which he took from his bundle and slipped one of them on each foot of the chief. The chief seemed to be wearing a pair of bear's hairless feet, instead of bare feet, and he was puzzled at first as he looked at the elk hide handicraft of his medicine man. 'Big chief,' the medicine man exclaimed joyfully, 'I have found the way to cover the earth with leather! For you, O chief, Stories compiled by Rick Clements -- 6 --

from now on the earth will always be covered with leather.' And so it was. -- A Plains Indian story, thanks to Harold Stein

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 7 --

WHY THE MOUSE IS SO SILKY

One day, on his wanderings in the land of the Swampy Cree, Wesukechak, know as Bitter Spirit, saw a big, round stone lying beside the rocky path. Because Bitter Spirit could talk and understand the language of nature, he always spoke to the birds and beasts and many other things. Now he spoke to the stone. 'Can you run fast?' he asked. 'Oh, yes,' answered the stone. 'Once I get started, I can run very fast.' 'Good!' Bitter Spirit cried. "Then you must race me.' 'I will,' answered the stone, 'if you can push me to where I can start.' With great difficulty, the maker of magic did so, and without waiting, the stone started to roll downhill, going faster and faster. Wesukechak caught up with it almost at ground level and mocked it as he ran past. 'You are a turtle,' he laughed. 'You cannot travel fast.' The stone was very angry but did not reply. Bitter Spirit ran and ran until he was so tired that he fell down on his face and slept soundly. The stone caught up with him at last and rolled up his legs and then onto his back, where it was stopped by his shoulders. It could roll no further. Being a big and very heavy stone, it held Bitter Spirit on the ground so that he could not move. The maker of magic had awakened in pain when the stone rolled onto his legs but he could not escape in time. 'Roll off my back, stone,' he shouted angrily. 'You are heavy; I hurt, and I cannot move.' 'You mocked me when you passed me,' said the stone, 'but you see I have caught up with you. Now that I have stopped, I cannot move until someone sets me rolling again. I must stay here.' For many, many moons, the stone rested on the back of Bitter Spirit and the make of magic could not help himself to get free. At last, Thunder decided to send some of his bolts of lightning to smash the stone and set Bitter Spirit free. 'And so, O stone, you are punished for holding me here so long,' cried the wondermaker as he continued on his way. His clothes had been torn and worn, so Bitter Spirit threw them into a bark lodge which he saw nearby, ordering that they be mended. They were thrown outside so quickly and had been so well repaired that Bitter Spirit cried out in surprise. 'Who are you in that lodge? Come out, so that I may see and reward you.' The maker of magic was much surprised when he saw a lithe mouse creep out of the lodge. It was an ugly, fat, rough-haired little creature in those days, with a short, stubby nose. Bitter Spirit picked the mouse up very gently and stroked its little blunt nose until it became pointed. 'Now you will be able to smell out your food better,' he said. Next, he brushed and combed its rough hair with his fingers until the hairs of the little creature became soft as down and smooth as the fur of an otter. 'Now you will be able to run more easily into little holes in tree trunks when your enemies come,' Wesukechak said, and so it was. To this day, the mouse is soft and furry and it sniffs daintily with its long nose. -- Thanks to Harold Stein

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 8 --

WHY THE OPOSSUM'S TAIL IS BARE

It must be remembered that the animals which appear in Indian myths and legends are not the same as those which exist now. When the world began, animals were much bigger, stronger and cleverer than their present counterparts but, because of man's cruelty and aggression, these left the earth and took the rainbow path to Galunlati, the Sky Land, where they still remain. The animals which came after them - those we know today - are but poor, weak imitations of those first creatures. In the beginning, before this happened, all living things - men, animals, plants and trees - spoke the same language and behaved in much the same way. Animals, like people, were organized into tribes. They had chiefs, lived in houses, held councils and ceremonies. Many animals had characteristics which we would not recognize today. The rabbit, for example, was fierce, bold and cunning, and a great mischief maker. It was through Rabbit's tricks that the deer lost his sharp wolf-like teeth, the buzzard his handsome topknot of feathers and the opossum his long, bushy tail. Opossum was very proud of his tail which, in those days, was covered with thick black fur. He spent long hours cleaning and brushing it and composing songs about its beauty and vigor. Sometimes, when he walked through the village, he carried his tail erect, like a banner rippling in the breeze. At other times, he swept it low behind him, like a train. It was useful as well as beautiful, for when Opossum lay down to sleep, he tucked it under him to make a soft bed, and in cold weather he folded it over his body to keep himself warm. Rabbit was very jealous of Opossum's tail. He, too, had once had a long bushy tail but, during the course of a fight with Bear, he had lost most of it and now had only a short fluffy tuft. The sight of Opossum strutting before the other animals and swirling his tail ostentatiously, filled Rabbit with rage and he made up his mind to play a trick on him at the first opportunity. At this time, when the animals still lived harmoniously together, each had his appointed station and duty. Thus, Frog was leader in the council and Rabbit, because of his speed, was employed to carry messages and announcements to the others. As was their custom from time to time, the animals decided to hold a great council to discuss important matters and Rabbit, as usual, was given the task of arranging the gathering and delivering the invitations. Councils were also occasions for feasting and dancing and Rabbit saw a way of bringing about Opossum's downfall. When Rabbit arrived with the news of the meeting, Opossum was sitting by the door of his lodge engaged in his favorite occupation - grooming his tail. 'I come to call you to the great council tomorrow, brother Opossum,' said Rabbit. 'Will you attend and join in the dance ?' 'Only if I am given a special seat,' replied the conceited Opossum, carefully smoothing some untidy hairs at the tip of his tail. 'After all,' he went on, grinning maliciously at Rabbit, 'I have such a beautiful long tail that I ought to sit where everyone can see and admire it.' Rabbit was almost beside himself with fury, but he pretended not to notice the jibe and said, 'But of course, brother Opossum! I will personally see to it that you have the best seat in the council lodge, and I will also send someone to dress your tail specially for the dance.' Opossum was delighted by this suggestion and Rabbit left him singing the praises of his tail even more loudly than usual. Next, Rabbit called on the cricket, whom Indians call the barber, because of his fame as an expert hair-cutter. Cricket listened with growing amazement as Rabbit recounted his conversation with Opossum. Like all the other animals, he found Opossum's vanity and arrogance very tiresome. He began to protest, but Rabbit held up a paw and said, 'Wait a moment. I have a plan and I need your help. Listen...', and he dropped his voice as he told Cricket what he wanted him to do. Early next morning Cricket presented himself at Opossum's door and said that he had been sent by Rabbit to prepare the famous tail for the council that evening. Opossum made himself comfortable on the floor and stretched out his tail. Cricket began to comb it gently. 'I will wrap this red cord round your tail as I comb it,' he explained, 'so that it will remain smooth and neat for the dance tonight.'

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 9 --

Opossum found Cricket's ministrations so soothing that he fell asleep, awakening just as Cricket was tying the final knot in the red cord which now completely swathed his tail. 'I will keep it bound up until the very last moment,' thought Opossum gleefully. 'How envious the others will be when I finally reveal it in all its beauty!' That evening, his tail still tightly wrapped in the red cord, Opossum marched into the council lodge and was led to his special seat by a strangely obsequious Rabbit. Soon it was time for the dancing to take place. The drums and rattles began to sound. Opossum stood up, loosened the cord from his tail and stepped proudly into the center of the dance floor. He began to sing. 'Look at my beautiful tail!' he sang as he circled the floor. 'See how it sweeps the ground!' There was a great shout from the audience and some of the animals began to applaud. 'How they admire me!' though Opossum and he continued dancing and singing loudly. 'See how my tail gleams in the firelight!' Again everyone shouted and cheered. Opossum began to have just the merest suspicion that all was not quite as it should be. Was there possibly a hint of mockery in their voices ? He dismissed such an absurd idea and continued dancing. 'My tail is stronger than the eagle's, more lustrous than the raven's!' At this the animals shrieked so loudly that Opossum stopped in his tracks and looked at them. To his astonishment and chagrin they were all convulsed with laughter, some leaning weakly on their neighbor's shoulders, others rolling on the ground in their mirth. Several were pointing at his tail. Bewildered, Opossum looked down and saw to his horror that his tail, his beautiful, thick, glossy tail, was now balk and scaly like that of a lizard. Nothing remained of its former glory. While pretending to comb it, the wily Cricket had snipped off every single lair. Opossum was so overcome with shame and confusion that he could not utter a sound. Instead he rolled over helplessly on his back, grimacing with embarrassment, just as opossums still do today, when taken by surprise. -- A Cherokee story, thanks to Harold Stein

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 10 --

RABBIT SHOOTS THE SUN

It was the height of summer, the time of year called Hadotso, the Great Heat. All day long, from a blue and cloudless sky, the blazing sun beat down upon the earth. No rain had fallen for many days and there was not the slightest breath of wind to cool the stifling air. Everything was hot and dry. Even the rose-red cliffs of the canyons and mesas seemed to take on a more brilliant color than before. The animals drooped with misery. They were parched and hungry, for it was too hot to hunt for food and, panting heavily, they sought what shade they could under the rocks and bushes. Rabbit was the unhappiest of all. Twice that day the shimmering heat had tempted him across the baked earth towards visions of water and cool, shady trees. He had exhausted himself in his desperate attempts to reach them, only to find the mirages dissolve before him, receding further and further into the distance. Now, tired and wretched, he dragged himself into the shadow of an overhanging rock and crouched there listlessly. His soft fur was caked with the red dust of the desert. His head swam and his eyes ached from the sun's glare. 'Why does it have to be so hot?' he groaned. 'What have we done to deserve such torment?' He squinted up at the sun and shouted furiously, 'Go away! You are making everything too hot!' Sun took no notice at all and continued to pour down his fiery beams, forcing Rabbit to retreat once more into the shade of the rock. 'Sun needs to be taught a lesson,' grumbled Rabbit. 'I have a good mind to go and fight him. If he refuses to stop shining, I will kill him!' His determination to punish Sun made him forget his weariness and, in spite of the oppressive heat, he set off at a run towards the eastern edge of the world where the Sun came up each morning. As he ran, he practiced with his bow and arrows and, to make himself brave and strong, he fought with everything which crossed his path. He fought with the gophers and the lizards. He hurled his throwing stick at beetles, ants and dragonflies. He shot at the yucca and the giant cactus. He became a very fierce rabbit indeed. By the time he reached the edge of the world, Sun had left the sky and was nowhere to be seen. 'The coward!' sneered Rabbit. 'He is afraid to fight, but he will not escape me so easily,' and he settled to wait behind a clump of bushes. In those days, Sun did not appear slowly as he does now. Instead he rushed up over the horizon and into the heavens with one mighty bound. Rabbit knew that he would have to act quickly in order to ambush him and he fixed his eyes intently on the spot where the Sun usually appeared. Sun, however, had heard all Rabbit's threats and had watched him fighting. He knew that he was lying in wait among the bushes. He was not at all afraid of this puny creature and he thought that he might have some amusement at his expense. He rolled some distance away from his usual place and swept up into the sky before Rabbit knew what was happening. By the time Rabbit had gathered his startled wits and released his bowstring, Sun was already high above him and out of range. Rabbit stamped and shouted with rage and vexation. Sun laughed and laughed and shone even more fiercely than before. Although almost dead from heat, Rabbit would not give up. Next morning he tried again, but this time Sun came up in a different place and evaded him once more. Day after day the same thing happened. Sometimes Sun sprang up on Rabbit's right, sometimes on his left and sometimes straight in front of him, but always where Rabbit least expected him. One morning, however, Sun grew careless. He rose more leisurely than usual, and this time, Rabbit was ready. Swiftly he drew his bow. His arrow whizzed through the air and buried itself deep in Sun's side. Rabbit was jubilant! At last he had shot his enemy! Wild with joy, he leaped up and down. He rolled on the ground, hugging himself. He turned somersaults. He looked at Sun again - and stopped short. Where his arrow had pierced Sun, there was a gaping wound and, from that wound, there gushed a stream of liquid fire. Suddenly it seemed as if the whole world had been set ablaze. Flames shot up and rushed towards Rabbit, crackling and roaring. Rabbit paused not a moment longer. He took to his heels in panic and ran as fast as he could away from the fire. He spied a lone cottonwood tree and scuttled towards it. 'Everything is burning!' he cried. 'Will you shelter me?'

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 11 --

The cottonwood shook its slender branches mournfully. 'What can I do?' it asked. 'I will be burned to the ground.' Rabbit ran on. Behind him, the flames were coming closer. He could feel their breath on his back. A greasewood tree lay in his path. 'Hide me! Hide me!' Rabbit gasped. 'The fire is coming.' 'I cannot help you,' answered the greasewood tree. 'I will be burned up roots and branches.' Terrified and almost out of breath, Rabbit continued to run, but his strength was failing. He could feel the fire licking at his heels and his fur was beginning to singe. Suddenly he heard a voice calling to him. 'Quickly, come under me! The fire will pass over me so swiftly that it will only scorch my top.' It was the voice of a small green bush with flowers like bunches of cotton capping its thin branches. Gratefully, Rabbit dived below it and lay there quivering, his eyes tightly shut, his ears flat against his body. With a thunderous roar, the sheet of flame leaped overhead. The little bush crackled and sizzled. Then, gradually, the noise receded and everything grew quiet once more. Rabbit raised his head cautiously and looked around. Everywhere the earth lay black and smoking, but the fire had passed on. He was safe! The little bush which had sheltered him was no longer green. Burned and scorched by the fire, it had turned a golden yellow. People now call it the desert yellow brush, for, although it first grows green, it always turns yellow when it feels the heat of the sun. Rabbit never recovered from his fright. To this day, he bears brown spots where the fire scorched the back of his neck. He is no longer fierce and quarrelsome, but runs and hides at the slightest noise. As for Sun, he too was never quite the same. He now makes himself so bright that no one can look at him long enough to sight an arrow and he always peers very warily over the horizon before he brings his full body into view. -- A Hopi story

THE INDIAN & THE SNAKE

As a young boy, often times, Indians are sent away, in search of a vision. This was the case of this one particular young Indian boy. He started to go up to the top of the mountain in search of his vision ... And as he climbed up the mountain, the air got cooler and cooler ... And he came upon a snake laying in the path. The snake was shivering, and said to the young Indian boy. "Please help me ... I can't move, I am so cold that I can no longer make it any further down the mountain." The young Indian boy said to the snake "No way! You're a snake, if I pick you up, you'll bite me!" The snake replied ... "No, no I won't, I promise I won't bite you if you'll only pick me up and help get me down the mountain..." So the young Indian boy picked up the snake, put him in his shirt, continued climbing to the top of the mountain in search of his vision ... When he got back down to the bottom of the mountain, he reached in, took out the snake, and the snake bit this young Indian boy. The boy replied to the snake "Hey! You bit me, you said that if I'd help you out, that you wouldn't bite me!" the snake replied to the young Indian boy ... "But you knew what I was when you picked me up!" -- Thanks to Brad George, SM BSA Troop #23 OKC/OKLA

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 12 --

SPIRIT ANIMAL

As scouts we often visit the woods, but don't really spend a lot of time in the wilderness, especially not alone. One often wonders what it would be like to spend long periods of time alone in the woods. Could you cope? Our native Indians believe that one advantage to spending time alone in the wilderness, is that you might meet your spirit animal. They believe that everyone has their own specific spirit animal, and to meet your spirit animal is to make your life more complete. An Indian might be canoeing alone across a lake, when he spies a bear on the shore. And as the bear looks into his eyes, he'll just know, that that's his spirit animal. Of course you can only meet your spirit animal when you're alone. One kind of white man often spends a lot of time in the bush, and that's a trapper. It's a very lonely existence, spending weeks on the trap lines, as you go from lake to lake, trail to trail, collecting furs. They tell the story of one particular trapper who worked in the Haliburton area. One evening he was sitting near his campfire enjoying his coffee just after sundown. He'd had a good day, a lot of good furs, and now he was almost ready for bed. He stared into the embers of the campfire as it slowly faded away, thinking of how bright the fire was and how it always made the surrounding area look so very dark. He thought he saw something at the edge of the fire.... No it was nothing. Then he saw it again. At the edge of the firelight was a raccoon, sitting very still and staring at him. ``That's odd'', he thought, ``this isn't how raccoons normally act.'' He hissed at the raccoon, but it wouldn't go away. So he ignored it for a little why, expecting it would move on. After a few minutes he glanced back, and the raccoon was still there staring at him with those eerie animal eyes. This time he picked up a rock and threw it at the raccoon. ``WHAT!!?'', he thought, ``I could have sworn I hit that coon!'', but the rock seemed to have passed through the animal. The trapper was now getting very nervous. He completely ignored the spot where the raccoon had been (or maybe still was). He put out the fire, and headed in darkness for his tent, the half full moon in the clear sky illuminating the way. ``A good night's sleep and everything will be fine in the morning'', he thought. Something caught his eye and his head jerked sharply to the right. There it was on the side of path: the raccoon, sitting still and staring at the trapper. He ignored and it and quickly turned away. BUT there it was on his left now. He hurried on to the tent now, only a few yards away, looking only at this feet. As he reached the tent he glanced up. THERE IT WAS. the raccoon sitting between him and his tent! About three weeks later they found him running through the woods, nearly naked and his body had been heavily bruised and torn. He'd been living like a wild savage, eating dirt or leaves, even worse than most animals. Although he spent the next twenty years in an insane asylum, he never regained the use of his mind. Some say he just snapped after spending too much time alone, especially in the woods............. Some think he met his spirit animal. -- Thanks to Blair Madore, University of Waterloo, Canada

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 13 --

WHY THE WEASEL IS NERVOUS

The weasel, Sihkooseu, once played a bad trick on the Bitter Spirit, Wesukechak. That is whey they are not friends. The important chief Bright Nose, Wastasekoot, of the Swampy Cree tribe, had a lovely daughter who was admired by many chiefs who wished to marry her. Though she loved one of the chiefs, here father decided to hold a council and the first chief to guess her secret name could marry her. She agreed because the thought that the only one who knew her name was the one she loved. Bitter Spirit decided to enter the contest with everyone else. Since he did not know her name, he made a plan to discover it. He went to the old net maker, the spider, and asked him to call on the girl and, by some trick, discover her name. Spider agreed. He climbed a tall tree, spun a long thread, and floated on it until he neared the camp of the chief with the beautiful daughter. Then he floated down onto the top of the chief's wigwam, peeped down, and saw the father and daughter talking about the contest, and heard the chief whisper to his daughter, 'Nobody will ever guess that your secret name is For-ever-and- ever.' In this way, the Spider discovered her name. He was very pleased with himself at learning this so soon, and set off to tell his friend. Spider walked many days through the forest because there was no suitable flying wind. He began to worry that he would arrive back too late. Then he saw the weasel and begged his help. He asked Weasel to hurry and tell Bitter Spirit the girl's secret name and Weasel agreed. But as Weasel started running, he began to think things over and decided to use the information for himself instead of telling it to Bitter Spirit as he had promised. The more he thought about this, the more he liked the idea. Weasel went to the chief's camp when the guessing contest was being held. One by one, the guessers failed. Since the girl's suitor knew her secret name, he felt safe and did not go early, so Weasel was there before him. When Weasel's turn came, he told the chief that the girl's name was For-ever-and-ever. The chief was amazed and the daughter fainted. Being honorable, the chief accepted Weasel as his son-in-law-to-be and set the date for the marriage. Weasel was very happy, so happy that he forgot about his mean trick. The spider finally reached home and asked Bitter Spirit when his wedding was to take place. Bitter Spirit replied that he did not go to the council, since he did not have the name in time, but he had heard that Weasel had won the girl. Spider was very angry and told Bitter Spirit what really had happened. Bitter Spirit became very angry and told the girl's father about it. Then the chief became angry with Spider for listening and with Weasel for his trick. He decided that they were all at fault and his daughter could choose for herself. The happy girl did so. Weasel heard that he was to be punished, so he ran away. He ran and ran. Even today, he stops and listens and trembles, as though Bitter Spirit is still chasing him. -- A Swampy Cree story, thanks to Harold Stein

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 14 --

THE GREAT FLOOD

Long before missionaries ever arrived in the New World, the Indians had ancient legends of a great flood, similar to that of Noah. This is the one the Cowichan tell. In ancient times, there were so many people in the land that they lived everywhere. Soon hunting became bad and food scarce, so that the people quarreled over hunting territories. Even in those days, the people were skilled in making fine canoes and paddles from cedars, and clothing and baskets from their bark. In dreams their wise old men could see the future, and there came a time when they all had similar bad dreams that kept coming to them over and over again. The dreams warned of a great flood. This troubled the wise men who told each other about their dreams. They found that they all had dreamed that rain fell for such a long time, or that the river rose, causing a great flood so that all of the people were drowned. They were much afraid and called a council to hear their dreams and decide what should be done. One said that they should build a great raft by tying many canoes together. Some of the people agreed, but others laughed at the old men and their dreams. The people who believed in the dreams worked hard building the raft. It took many moons of hard work, lashing huge cedar log canoes together with strong ropes of cedar bark. When it was completed, they tied the raft with a great rope of cedar bark to the top of Mount Cowichan by passing one end of the rope through the center of a huge stone which can still be seen there. During the time the people were working on the raft, those who did not believe in the dreams were idle and still laughed, but they did admire the fine, solid raft when it was at last finished and floated in Cowichan Bay. Soon after the raft was ready, huge raindrops started falling, rivers overflowed, and the valleys were flooded. Although people climbed Mount Cowichan to avoid the great flood, it too was soon under water. But those who had believed the dreams took food to the raft and they and their families climbed into it as the waters rose. They lived on the raft many days and could see nothing but water. Even the mountain tops had disappeared beneath the flood. The people became much afraid when their canoes began to flood and they prayed for help. Nothing happened for a long time; then the rain stopped. The waters began to go down after a time, and finally the raft was grounded on top of Mount Cowichan. The huge stone anchor and heavy rope had held it safe. As the water gradually sank lower and lower, the people could see their lands, but their homes had all been swept away. The valleys and forests had been destroyed. The people went back to their old land and started to rebuild their homes. After a long time the number of people increased, until once again the land was filled and the people started to quarrel again. This time they separated into tribes and clans, all going to different places. The storytellers say this is how people spread all over the earth. -- A Salish story, thanks to Harold Stein

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 15 --

THE ORIGIN OF THE WINDS

Long ago, when the world was still quite new, there were no winds at all, neither the gentle breeze of summer nor the fierce winter gale. Everything was perfectly still. Nothing disturbed the marsh grass on the shore and, when snow fell, it fell straight to earth instead of blowing and swirling into drifts as it does now. At that time, in a village near the mouth of the Yukon River, there lived a couple who had no children. This made them very sad. Often the woman would sigh and say, 'How happy we would be if only we had a child!' Her husband would sigh too and answer, 'Yes, if we had a son, I would teach him to stalk bears and seals over the ice-floes, and to make traps and snares. What will become of us in our old age with no one to provide for us ? Who will give festivals for our souls when we are dead ?' These thoughts troubled them deeply and on many a long winter evening they sat in the flickering firelight, imagining how different life might be if they had a child. One night the woman had a strange dream, in which she saw a sled pulled by three dogs, one brown, one white and one black, draw up outside her door. The driver leaned from his seat and beckoned her. 'Come,' he said. 'Sit here by me. I will take you on a journey.' Wondering and fearful, the woman did as she was told. No sooner had she seated herself than the driver cracked his whip and the sled rose high into the air. Through the night-black sky they flew, faster and faster, past stars sparkling like hoar-frost. The woman was no longer afraid for she knew that this must be Igaluk, the Moon Spirit, who often comes to comfort those in distress. Suddenly the sled stopped and the panting dogs lay down to rest. On all sides, as far as the eye could see, lay a great plain of smooth ice, the glittering expanse broken only by one small stunted tree. Igaluk pointed and said, 'You who so desire a child, look at that tree over there. Make a doll from its trunk and you will find happiness.' Before she could learn more, the woman awoke. So vivid was her dream that she at once roused her husband. She told him what she had seen and begged him to find the tree. The man rubbed the sleep from his eyes. 'What would be the point?' he grumbled. 'It would only be a doll, not a real child.' But the woman persisted and finally, for the sake of peace, the man shouldered his axe and set out to look for the tree. At the edge of the village where the snow lay thick and untrodden, he saw a bright path stretching far into the distance. It was now full day, yet the path shone like moonlight and the man knew that this was the direction which he must take. For many hours he journeyed along the path of light until at last, on the horizon, he saw something shining very brightly. As he came nearer he saw that it was the tree of which his wife had spoken. The man cut it down with his axe and carried it home. That evening, while he carved the figure of a small boy from some of the wood, his wife made a little suit of sealskin and, when the doll was finished, she dressed it and set it in the place of honor on the bench opposite the door. From the remaining wood the man carved a set of toy dishes and some tiny weapons, a spear and a knife, tipped with bone. His wife filled the dishes with food and water and set them before the doll. Before going to bed, the couple sat and gazed at the doll. Although it was no more than six inches high, it was very lifelike, with eyes made from tiny chips of ivory. 'I cannot think why we have gone to all this trouble,' said the man gloomily. 'We are no better off than before.' 'Perhaps not,' replied his wife, 'but at least it will give us some amusement and something to talk about.' During the night the woman awoke suddenly. Close at hand she heard several low whistles. She shook her husband and said, 'Did you hear that? It was the doll!' They jumped up and, by the glow of their hastily lit lamp, they saw that the doll had eaten the food and drunk the water. They saw it breathe and its eyes move. The woman picked it up in her arms and hugged it. They played with the doll for some time until it grew sleepy. Then they carefully returned it to the bench and went back to bed, delighted with their new toy. In the morning, however, when they awoke, the doll had gone. Rushing outside, they saw its footprints leading away through the village. They followed as fast as they could, but at the edge of the village the tracks stopped and there was no trace of the doll. Sadly the couple returned home.

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 16 --

Although they did not know it, the doll was traveling along the path of light which the man had taken the day before. On and on he went until he came to the eastern edge of day where the sky comes down to meet the earth and walls in the light. Looking up, the doll saw a hole in the sky wall, covered over with a piece of skin. The cover was bulging inwards, as if there was some powerful force on the other side. The doll was curious and, drawing his knife, he slashed the cords holding the cover in place and pulled it aside. At once a great wind rushed in, carrying birds and animals with it. The doll peered through the hole and saw the Sky Land on the other side, looking just like earth, with mountains, trees and rivers. When he felt that the wind had blown long enough, the doll drew the skin cover back over the hole, saying sternly, 'Wind, sometimes blow hard, sometimes soft, and sometimes not at all.' Then he went on his way. When he came to the south, he saw another piece of skin covering an opening in the sky wall and bulging as before. Again the doll drew his knife and this time a warmer wind blew in, bringing more animals, trees and bushes. After a time the doll closed up the opening with the same words as before and passed on towards the west. There he found yet another opening like the others, but this time, as soon as the cords were cut, the wind blew in a heavy rainstorm with waves and spray from the great ocean on the other side. The doll hastened to cover up the hole and instructed this wind as he had one the others. When he came to the north, the cold was so intense that he hesitated for some time before he dared to open the hole in the sky there. When he finally did so, a fierce blast whistled in, with great masses of snow and ice, so that the doll was at once frozen to the marrow and he closed that opening very quickly indeed. Admonishing the wind as before, the doll now turned his steps inwards, away from the sky wall and traveled on until he came to the very center of the earth's plain. There he saw the sky arching overhead like a huge tent, supported on a framework of tall slender poles. Satisfied that he had now traveled the whole world over, the doll decided to return to the village from which he started. His foster-parents greeted him with great joy, for they feared that he had gone forever. The doll told them and all the people of the village about his travels and how he had let the winds into the world. Everyone was pleased for with the wind came good hunting. The winds brought the birds of the air and the land animals, and they stirred up the sea currents so that seals and walrus could be found all along the coast. Because he had brought good fortune as the Moon Spirit had predicted, the doll was honored in special festivals afterwards. Shamans made dolls like him to help them in their magic and parents also made dolls for their children, knowing that they bring happiness to those who care for them. -- Alaskan Eskimo legend, thanks to Harold Stein

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 17 --

RABBIT AND THE MOON MAN

Long ago, Rabbit was a great hunter. He lived with his grandmother in a lodge which stood deep in the Micmac forest. It was winter and Rabbit set traps and laid snares to catch game for food. He caught many small animals and birds, until one day he discovered that some mysterious being was robbing his traps. Rabbit and his grandmother became hungry. Though he visited his traps very early each morning, he always found them empty. At first Rabbit thought that the robber might be a cunning wolverine, until one morning he found long, narrow footprints alongside his trap line. It was, he thought, the tracks of the robber, but they looked like moonbeams. Each morning Rabbit rose earlier and earlier, but the being of the long foot was always ahead of him and always his traps were empty. Rabbit made a trap from a bowstring with the loop so cleverly fastened that he felt certain that he would catch the robber when it came. He took one end of the thong with him and hid himself behind a clump of bushes from which he could watch his snare. It was bright moonlight while he waited, but suddenly it became very dark as the moon disappeared. A few stars were still shining and there were no clouds in the sky, so Rabbit wondered what had happened to the moon. Someone or something came stealthily through the trees and then Rabbit was almost blinded by a flash of bright, white light which went straight to his trap line and shone through the snare which he had set. Quick as a lightning flash, Rabbit jerked the bowstring and tightened the noose. There was a sound of struggling and the light lurched from side to side. Rabbit knew b the tugging on his string that he had caught the robber. He fastened the bowstring to a nearby sapling to hold the loop tight. Rabbit raced back to tell his grandmother, who was a wise old woman, what had happened. She told him that he must return at once and see who or what he had caught. Rabbit, who was very frightened, wanted to wait for daylight but his grandmother said that might be too late, so he returned to his trap line. When he came near his traps, Rabbit saw that the bright light was still there. It was so bright that it hurt his eyes. He bathed them in the icy water of a nearby brook, but still they smarted. He made big snowballs and threw them at the light, in the hope of putting it out. As they went close to the light, he heard them sizzle and saw them melt. Next, Rabbit scooped up great paw-fulls of soft clay from the stream and made many big clay balls. He was a good shot and threw the balls with all of his force at the dancing white light. He heard them strike hard and then his prisoner shouted. Then a strange, quivering voice asked why he had been snared and demanded that he be set free at once, because he was the man in the moon and he must be home before dawn came. His face had been spotted with clay and, when Rabbit went closer, the moon man saw him and threatened to kill him and all of his tribe if he were not released at once. Rabbit was so terrified that he raced back to tell his grandmother about his strange captive. She too was much afraid and told Rabbit to return and release the thief immediately. Rabbit went back, and his voice shook with fear as he told the man in the moon that he would be released if he promised never to rob the snares again. To make doubly sure, Rabbit asked him to promise that he would never return to ear, and the moon man swore that he would never do so. Rabbit could hardly see in the dazzling light, but at last he managed to gnaw through the bowstring with his teeth and the man in the moon soon disappeared in the sky, leaving a bright trail of light behind him. Rabbit had been nearly blinded by the great light and his shoulders were badly scorched. Even today, rabbits blink as though light is too strong for their eyes; their eyelids are pink, and their eyes water if they look at a bright light. Their lips quiver, telling of Rabbit's terror. The man in the moon has never returned to earth. When he lights the world, one can still see the marks of the clay which Rabbit threw on his face. Sometimes he disappears for a few nights, when he is trying to rub the marks of the clay balls from his face. Then the world is dark; but when the man in the moon appears again, one can see that he has never been able to clean the clay marks from his shining face. -- Thanks to Jim Speirs

HONEYED WORDS CAN'T SWEETEN EVIL

Stories compiled by Rick Clements -- 18 --

Big Blue Heron was standing in the marsh looking at his reflection in the water. He raised his black-crested head to listen. Two little White Weasels had come along to the river. They were mother and son. When they saw Blue Heron, they stopped to look. 'What a beautiful big bird-person!' said the son. 'He is called Blue Heron. He carries his head high!' 'Yes, Mother, he is tall as a tree. Were I so tall, I could carry you across this swift river.' Blue Heron was pleased to hear himself so praised. He liked to hear other say that he was big. He bent down low and spoke to the two. 'I will help you go across. Come down to where you see that old tree lying in the stream. I will lie down in the water at the end and put my bill deep into the bank on the other side. You two run across the tree. Then use my body as a bridge and you will get to the other side.' They all went to the old tree lying in the water. Blue Heron lay down in the water at the end and stuck his bill deep into the bank on the other side. Mother and son White Weasel ran lightly and quickly across the log, over Blue Heron, and were safe and dry on the other side. They thanked Blue Heron and said they would tell all the persons in the woods how fine Blue Heron was. Then they went on their way. Old Wolf had been standing on the riverbank watching how the weasels had gotten across. 'What a fine way it would be for me to cross the river. I am old and my bones ache.' When Blue Heron came back to the marsh, Wolf said to him, 'Now I know why you Blue Herons are in the marsh - so you can be a bridge for persons to cross the rive. I want to go across, but I am old and my bones hurt. Lie down in the water for me so I can cross.' Blue Heron was angry. He didn't like being called a bridge. Old Wolf saw he had spoken foolish words and decided to use honeyed words. 'You are big and strong, Blue Heron, and that is why you body is such a fine bridge. You could carry me across like a feather.' Blue Heron smiled at Wolf and said, 'Old Wolf, get on my back and I'll carry you across. Wolf grinned from ear to ear thinking how easily he had tricked Blue Heron. He jumped on the bird's back and Heron went into the rushing river. When he got to the middle, he stopped. 'Friend Wolf,' said Blue Heron, 'you made a mistake. I am not strong enough to carry you across. For that you need two herons. I can carry you only halfway. Now you must get another heron to carry you the rest of the way.' He gave his body a strong twist and Wolf fell into the water. 'You wait here, Wolf, for another heron to come and carry you to the other side.' Then he flew into the marsh. The water ran swiftly. No heron came, so where did Wolf go ? To the bottom of the river... Since that day, no wolf has ever trusted a heron. -- Algonquin Legend, thanks to Jim Speirs

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 19 --

THE GREAT FATHER MOSQUITO

One time there lived a giant Mosquito. He was bigger than a bear and more terrifying. When he flew through the air, the Sun couldn't be seen and it became dark as night. The zooming of his wings was wilder than a storm. And when he was hungry, he would fly into a camp and carry off an Indian or two and pick their bones clean. Again and again the Tuscarora tried to destroy the wild beast but their arrows fell off him like dew drops off a leaf. They did not know what to do. So the chief and the medicine men in the tribe ordered a big meeting to pray to the Great Father in Heaven to take pity on them and help them destroy the monster Mosquito. They burned great fires and they sang, and they danced and they prayed. The Great Father in Heaven, the Sky Holder, heard their loud cry for help and decided to come to their rescue. He came down from the sky, looking for the monster to do battle with him and destroy him. The great Mosquito heard this and he knew he could not beat the Sky Holder, so he decided to run away. He flew and he flew and he flew so fast no one could see him. He was faster than lightning. The only sound was the wild zooming of his wings through the air. But Sky Holder was after him just as fast. The giant monster flew around lakes, over rivers and over mountains toward the East. Sky Holder kept after him, never tiring. When Sun was going down in a red mist at the end of the sky, the great monster came to the large lakes of the East. He turned to look and saw the Great Father was coming nearer. Swiftly and wildly, at the speed of eagles, the monster flew toward the Salt Lake and there the Sky Holder reached him. The battle was short and the monster Mosquito was destroyed. His blood spattered and flew in all directions. And... a strange thing happened. From the blood were born small mosquitoes with sharp stingers. No sooner were they born than they attacked Sky Holder without fear. They stung him so hard he was sorry for what he had done, but he could not undo it. These small mosquitoes with the sharp stingers multiplied a thousand fold. It happened long ago, but to this day we have thousands of mosquitoes with sharp stingers. -- Tuscarora Legend, thanks to Jim Speirs

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 20 --

THE ESKIMO INDIAN AND HIS FOX WIFE

Far up in the cold North, where winds blow sharply and snow falls thickly, an Indian hunter lived all alone. His only friends were Sun, Wind, Snow and Stars. When he got up in the morning, he had to prepare his own food and clean his house. When he came home, he had to scrape his own skin- clothing and his skin-boots and hand them out to dry. And he had to do his own cooking and washing. It was not an easy life for him. One day, when daylight was sinking into darkness, he came home and stopped at his door. To his great surprise, everything was in order as it had never been before. The earthen floor was swept and the food in the pot was steaming hot and ready to eat. Everything was in order as if a good wife had done it. Who had done it ? He looked all over - everywhere - inside and outside. There was no one around. He ate the good food and lay down to sleep, wondering who had done this good deed for him. The next morning he went out to hunt as he always did, and when he came home... he found his home all in fine order again, and his food was ready for him - just as the day before. His skin- clothing was scraped and his boots were hanging up to dry. Again he looked and looked to find who was so kind to him, but he couldn't find tracks anywhere. He just couldn't understand it. Day after day the hunter found his house and clothes cared for. Then he said to himself, "I must find out who does all these things for me. Only a good wife would do it and I have no wife. Who can it be? I must find the person." Next morning he went out hunting as he always did, but he only went a little distance and then turned back and hid near the house to watch. Pretty soon a sleek fox with a long red tail came loping along. It ran right up to the house and went in. "That fox is going into my house to steal my food," the Indian said to himself. He crept up to his house and looked in, ready to slay the fox. But when he saw what was there, he stopped in great surprise. Right in the middle of the room there was a beautiful girl, dressed in the finest skin-clothes he had ever seen. And on the wall he saw hanging... the skin of a fox! "Who are you?" the Indian cried. "What are you doing here? Why do you clean my house? Did you cook my food? Is it you who cleaned my skins and boots ?" "Yes, I have cleaned this house and cooked your food. I have scraped these skins and dried your boots. I have done what I do well," the beautiful girl said. "Now you see how life can be made easier. I hope you are please. I do what I can do well. Then I feel happy and proud." "I am pleased," said the hunter. "Will you stay with me all the time? I would be proud to share this life and my home with you. Then I too could do what I do well." "Very well, I will stay. But you must promise never to complain about me, or to ask from where I came." The hunter promised. From then on, they were happy to be together as husband and wife. He did the hunting while she prepared the skins and took care of their home. Everything was fine. They were good and hard workers. One day, the man smelled a strange, musky odor that he did not like. "Woman," the man said, "there is a strange, musky odor in the house since you have come here. You must have brought it with you." "Yes, it came with me, and it is a good smell." "Where have you brought it from?" asked the hunter. "You have broken the promises you made! You said you would not complain about me. And you promised not to ask from where I came. Now I must leave you." The woman threw away her skin-dress and put on her fox skin that had been hanging on the wall. Then she slipped out of the house as a fox. From that time on, the man lived alone. He had to do everything himself, just as before the Fox Woman had come to him. And she never returned. -- Labrador Eskimo Legend, thanks to Jim Speirs

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 21 --

THE LOON

The Indians in the Pacific Northwest traveled mainly by water, because the forest were so thick it was difficult to travel by land. This story tells how they were able to find their way back to shore. One day, a little girl went deep into the forest. She walked until she found a family of loons. She stopped and played with the loons. In fact, she stayed for several days, becoming good friends with the loons. They taught her many things. But, soon, she new it was time to return to her family, so she said good bye and returned to her village. In time, this little girl grew to be a Mother and then Grandmother. One day she was out in a canoe with her two Grandchildren. All of the sudden the fog rolled in. [pause] They couldn't see the shore. [pause] They heard a splashing off in the distance. [pause] The children thought it was a sea monster. [pause] But, the Grandmother new it was something far worse. [pause] It was hunters from a tribe farther north. If they captured them, they would take them as slaves. The children would never see their family or village again. The Grandmother told the children to get down in the canoe and be quiet. The other canoe passed by them with out seeing them. The children were still hiding in the bottom of the canoe. But, how would they find their way back to the village? [pause] How would the avoid the hunters in the other canoe? The Grandmother started to sing. This was a strange song. The Grandmother sung often, and the children new all of her songs. They thought. The children looked up. Where their Grandmother had been sitting, there was a giant loon. It spread its wings and flew out of the canoe. It circled the canoe and then flew off. The children watched it fly off into the fog. Soon, the loon returned and circled again. When it left, this time, the children followed it. It lead them safely back to their village. For you see, only the loon has eyes that can see though the fog. When the Grandmother was a girl, playing with the loons, they thought her a song. If see ever sang that song, [pause] she would change into a loon [pause] FOREVER. So when the Indians were canoeing in the fog, they always listen for Grandmother loon to guide them back to shore. -- Thanks to Chief Lalooska, recorded from memory by Rick Clements

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 22 --

THE RAVEN

Long ago, near the beginning of the world. Gray Eagle was the guardian of the sun and moon and stars, of fresh water, and of fire. Gray Eagle hated people so much that he kept these things hidden. People lived in darkness, without fire and without fresh water. Gray Eagle had a beautiful daughter, and Raven fell in love with her. At that time Raven was a handsome young man. He changed himself into a snow-white bird, and as a snow-white bird he pleased Gray Eagle's daughter. She invited him to her father's lodge. When Raven saw the sun and the moon and the stars and fresh water hanging on the sides of Eagle's lodge, he knew what he had to do. He waited for his chance to seize them when no one was watching. He stole all of them, and a brand of fire also, and he flew out of the lodge though the smoke hole. As soon as Raven got outside, he hung the sun up in the sky. It made so much light that he was able to fly far out to an island in the middle of the ocean. When the sun set, he fastened the moon up in the sky and hung the stars around in different places. By this new light he kept on flying, carrying with him the fresh water and the brand of fire he had stolen. He flew back over land. When he had reached the right place, he dropped all the water he had stolen. It fell to the ground and there became the source of all the fresh-water streams and lakes in the world. Then Raven flew on, holding the brand of fire in his bill. The smoke from the fire blew back over his white feathers and make them black. When his bill began to burn, he had to drop the firebrand. It struck the rocks and went into the rocks. That is why, if you strike two stones together, fire will drop out. Raven's feathers never became white again after they were blackened by the smoke from the firebrand. That is why Raven is now a black bird. -- This story is from a tribe in the Puget Sound area recorded in Indian Legends of the Pacific Northwest

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 23 --

GHOST STORIES

HE WHO FOLLOWS ME

This is a ghost story I taped from an old-time radio program. I didn't tape the credits, but I know the name of it is He Who Follows Me, adapted for radio by Richard Thorn. I find an old diary at a flea market for about fifty cents, and copied the story down into it. I then take it to camp with my troop and tell them it is the diary of my late great Uncle Bill. Then, I simply start reading it too them. Granted, much of this is too detailed to be part of someone's REAL diary, but the Scouts are wrapped up in the story too much to notice. March 3, 1938 Today, Helen and I came across one of the delightful old southern mansions. We decided to stop and make a study of the place. Helen was especially interested in taking some color pictures to illustrate our lecture series in the fall. Although no one was home, we felt than no one would mind us taking a look around the place. We both felt it a shame that the owners let the place rundown. It was probably beautiful in its day. It could still be renovated, but not without a lot of money being spent. After some shots of the house from the front and side, I noticed a building in back of the house. No one was to stop us, so we moved back there to take a look. The grounds of the back was more shabby than the front, but seeing how much needed done, it would be impossible without major construction work. Part of the mansion was still livable, though not very secure. The building we were nearing didn't seem so worn down. It was in remarkably fine condition. It was built a lot later than the house was, I estimated it as no more than twenty years old. It was made of stone, gray stone. Somebody probably had lived in the old house not too long ago, and during that time constructed this building. But we both still felt it a shame that they let what must have been a wonderful place rundown like this. We both stopped in front of the stone building. Helen made the observation that it didn't have any windows, something I had noticed too. I told her it was probably used for storage. It was then that Helen pointed to the broken padlock on the door. Our curiosity getting the best of us, we decided to check inside, to make sure everything was all right. The massive heavy iron door swung open reluctantly. We stepped inside. Although there were no windows, light entered the structure through a skylight in the ceiling. The cold, damp musty air chilled our bones. Helen looked around the room, and laid her eyes on a large stone block in the middle of the floor, right where the light was coming down from the skylight. This was not a storehouse by any stretch of the imagination. This was a mausoleum, and the stone case on the floor was a sarcophagus, a stone coffin. There was nothing else in there, but Helen, and I to an extent, felt crowded. Helen wanted to get a picture of the sarcophagus, with the light laying over. We didn't think there was enough light for our camera, but we decided to try. After the first shot, we heard movement outside and a man yell to us. I explained that we saw that the lock was broken and decided to explore. He told us that he wasn't mad, but that we still shouldn't of came in here, because "he" wouldn't like it. When I pressed the man to tell me who "he" was, he answered "the thing that sleeps in that stone coffin." "This man must be crazy," I thought. He asked us why we didn't pay attention to the warning. Not knowing what he meant, he took us outside and showed us the writing above the door. "IF YOU ENTER HERE, INTO THE REALM OF DEATH, I SHALL FOLLOW YOU, AND BRING HIM WITH ME." He said it was a shame that we didn't see it, because we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into. I once again apologized and told him we didn't want any legal trouble. He said we were already in enough trouble, none of it being legal, because it didn't matter to "him." This time, Helen asked about "him," and the man went into his story. "They called him Mr. Thomas when he was livin'. They call him The Dead that Walks now that he's dead. He cam to get that name because people around he 'as seen 'em, at night. He is dead, but they did see him walkin'. I know, cause I seen him myself." "I know you ain't believin' what I'm tellin' ya. I don't care

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 24 --

what you believe. But you listen to what I'm sayin' now. If I was you I'd get as far away from this place as I could. Not just this place, but this town, this part of the country." I didn't understand the urgency, so the man continued with the story, hoping to convince us. "Old Thomas came from some place in Europe. I say "Old," but he really wasn't old. Just seemed that way. He bought the house and grounds here and had them cleaned up, till the place looked like it was brand new. Then he started buildin' this here buildin'." "There was something funny 'bout Thomas; somethin' in his eyes. Made ya frightened of him. His eyes, they looked like the eyes of a dead man." "He never acted like anyone I ever knew. He was always talking about death, always tellin' me how he could come back after death. I was the caretaker then, just like I am now." "After this building was completed, I use to watch him at night. He'd come out here. It seemed as though he was in some sort of trance. He'd stay out here for hours. And when he'd come back to the house his eyes would glisten and shine, so you couldn't hardly look at him." "A week before he died, he told me that as long as I live, I was to take care of this place. 'Cause if I didn't he'd come back an kill me. Then he died. Just like that. He was put in here, in that coffin." "One night, about two months later when the moon was full, I heard a noise. And when I had come out to look I saw the door to this place open, and him come out. I could hear his footsteps, something queer and draggin'-like. Then he turned around, and I could see his face in the moonlight: pale and pasty. Sick lookin'. Those eyes of his seemed like to burning coals of fire." "He seemed to be lookin' at me. I heard him say, 'They have disturbed me, and the moon has awakened me. I shall follow them.' That's what he said. I heard him just as straight as your hearin' me. And then, he vanished into the night." "Towards morning, I heard his footsteps again. I heard that big iron door closin'. And I knew he was back." "The next day I heard Ralph Cummins died the night before, screaming something about not meanin' to go into the mausoleum. I knew who killed him." "This has happened again and again for the last ten years since he's been dead. Folks around hear say he'll follow you around wherever you go if you come inside here." "Why haven't you been killed?" I asked, thinking I have caught him in his lie. "Cause he needs me, Hee hee. He ain't gonna kill me. But if I was you, I get out of this part of the country." March 3, Later. I sit here and write these words. It is late and the moon has risen full in the sky. Helen is standing by the window looking out. For some reason, I am frightened. Yet I know that a few months from now I will laugh at the memory of my fright. However, in the morning, I do believe that we will leave this place. Helen is glad. She doesn't not believe the caretaker's story, but she is concerned, just as I. March 3, Still Later. When I joined Helen at the window, a husky man appeared on the street below. He looked up at us. The thing I noticed first was his face. Pale and pasty looking. Helen was startled by his eyes -- two bright coals of fire, just as the caretaker had described. The man down in the street, whomever he was, left after about ten minutes. He has given us quite a fright. If I had felt any doubts as to whether we should leave this place they have all been dispelled now. I don't know what to believe. Helen has just gone to bed. I think I shall do the same. March 4, 1938. Upon settling down to sleep last night, we heard footsteps coming from the room above us. I called down to the desk clerk, who only told us that the room above ours was unoccupied. We left the hotel a short time after hearing the steps. We went immediately to our car and drove all night and all day. We are stopping now in a motel almost one-thousand miles away. It is reassuring to know that he cannot possibly follow us. Stories compiled by Rick Clements -- 25 --

I am very tired. I will go to bed and get an early start in the morning. March 5, 1938. Last night was not very comforting either. We heard the same footsteps outside our room, and Helen saw the man's face at the window. This morning when I went into pay the bill, the man who owns the motel said that a strange pasty-faced man had been in earlier and told him to tell me that he would follow me. March 11, 1938. It is impossible to get any material together that will help me in my work. Everywhere we go, he's there also. March 16, 1938. The clerk told us this guy had said it was OK for us to go ahead because he was going to follow us. March 22, 1938. He left a message with the lady at the desk lady telling us that he would be in touch. April 7, 1938. He left another message at the desk. The manager had the nerve to ask me if he was a friend of ours. April 18, 1938. Another disturbing night without sleep. More footsteps from the hall outside. April 29, 1938. Expecting it when we went to check out this morning, I asked the clerk if there were any messages. The clerk said a husky man in a white suit came by and said he'd follow us. May 15, 1938. I don't know what to do anymore. We cannot stop for the night without him showing up. The only sleep we get anymore is in the car while on the road. May 30, 1938. Helen and I argued again today. Since we've been on the run, that seems to be all that we can do. She suggested we go home. I fear that he will stalk us there, too. She felt it was the only place left to turn. I didn't know what to do or say, so we left for home. June 23, 1938. We arrived home this evening. I called Gary as soon as we got home. He said he'd be out within the hour to see us. June 24, 1938. Gary wasn't able to help us in any way. I did not really expecting any help. I was hoping he would be able to offer some concrete suggestion as to what to do. However, last night was the first night in months that we haven't been aware of his presence. Maybe Helen is right. Perhaps he won't follow us here. July 3, 1938. We have not seen, nor heard, anything unusual since we first came home. I feel as a man might feel who has been given a new lease on life. July 10, 1938. Still nothing. August 19, 1938. Stories compiled by Rick Clements -- 26 --

For the past two months, a feeling of peace and security has enveloped the house. Helen and I have been able to go around with no sense of danger or dread. But last night that feeling was shattered... [At this point I tell them a clipping from the newspaper was inserted into the diary. It was a clipping of a funeral notice for my Great Aunt Helen. It was, of course, too old and fragile to bring on the camp out. (WINK WINK.) ] According to one of their family friends (Gary?) my Great Uncle Bill went upstairs to investigate some footsteps, leaving my Great Aunt Helen downstairs alone. When he got to the room that the noise came from, he found it empty. Going back downstairs, he found Helen, dead, with her eyes wide open.] August 23, 1938. I sit here in the empty house, writing this. I know that Thomas will come for me too. I write this in the hope that someone will find it. Read it. And maybe understand my death. It is lonely here. Yet, suddenly I feel as if I am not alone. Someone is hear with me. He is here, in this room with me. I am afraid to turn to meet him. Those eyes of his burning in to me. Yet, I must. I pray that someone reads this. Perhaps he will [The August 23 entry was the last he ever made. I simply close the diary and let the scouts wonder. I simply tell them that my Uncle Bill was found just like my aunt. The coroner could not determine a cause of death, but our family knows what killed him -- The Dead that Walks. --

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 27 --

THE CREMATION OF SAM MCGEE

by Robert Service There are strange things done in the midnight sun By the men who moil for gold, And the Arctic trails have their secret tales That would make your blood run cold. The northern lights have seen queer sights, But the queerest they ever did see Was the night on the marge of Lake LaBarge I cremated Sam McGee. Now, Sam McGee was from Tennessee Where the cotton blooms and blows. Why he left his home in the south to roam 'Round the pole, God only knows. He was always cold, but the land of gold Seemed to hold him like a spell, Though he'd often say, in his homely way, He'd sooner live in hell. On a Christmas day we were mushing our way Over the Dawson Trail. Talk of your cold--through the parka's fold It stabbed like a driven nail. If our eyes we'd close, then the lashes froze 'Till sometimes we couldn't see. It wasn't much fun, but the only one To whimper was Sam McGee. And that very night as we lay packed tight In our robes beneath the snow, And the dogs were fed, and the stars o'erhead Were dancing heel and toe, He turned to me, and "Cap", says he, "I'll cash in this trip, I guess, And if I do, I'm asking that you Won't refuse my last request." Well, he seemed so low I couldn't say no, And he says with a sort of moan, "It's the cursed cold, and it's got right hold 'Till I'm chilled clean through to the bone. Yet 'ta'int being dead, it's my awful dread Of the icy grave that pains, So I want you to swear that, foul or fair, You'll cremate my last remains." A pal's last need is a thing to heed, And I swore that I would not fail. We started on at the streak of dawn, But, God, he looked ghastly pale. He crouched on the sleigh, and he raved all day Of his home in Tennessee, And before nightfall, a corpse was all That was left of Sam McGee. There wasn't a breath in that land of death As I hurried, horror driven, With a corpse half hid that I couldn't get rid Because of a promise given. It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say, "You may tax your brawn and brains, But you promised true, and it's up to you To cremate those last remains." Now, a promise made is a debt unpaid, And the trail has its own stern code. In the days to come, 'though my lips were dumb, In my heart, how I cursed the load. In the long, long night by the lone firelight While the huskies 'round in a ring Howled out their woes to the homeless snows Oh, God, how I loathed the thing. And every day that quiet clay Seemed to heavy and heavier grow. And on I went, though the dogs were spent And the grub was getting low. The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, But I swore I would not give in, And often I'd sing to the hateful thing, And it hearkened with a grin. 'Till I came to the marge of Lake LaBarge, And a derelict there lay. It was jammed in the ice, and I saw in a trice It was called the "Alice May". I looked at it, and I thought a bit, And I looked at my frozen chum, Then, "Here", said I, with a sudden cry, "Is my crematorium."

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

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Some planks I tore from the cabin floor And lit the boiler fire. Some coal I found that was lying around And heaped the fuel higher. The flames just soared, and the furnace roared, Such a blaze you seldom see. Then I burrowed a hole in the glowing coal And I stuffed in Sam McGee. Then I made a hike, for I didn't like To hear him sizzle so. And the heavens scowled, and the huskies howled, And the wind began to blow. It was icy cold, but the hot sweat rolled Down my cheek, and I don't know why, And the greasy smoke in an inky cloak Went streaking down the sky. I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with gristly fear. But the stars came out, and they danced about 'Ere again I ventured near. I was sick with dread, but I bravely said, "I'll just take a peek inside. I guess he's cooked, and it's time I looked", And the door I opened wide. And there sat Sam, looking calm and cool In the heart of the furnace roar. He wore a smile you could see a mile, And he said, "Please close that door. It's fine in here, but I greatly fear You'll let in the cold and storm. Since I left Plumbtree down in Tennessee It's the first time I've been warm." There are strange things done in the midnight sun By the men who moil for gold, And the Arctic trails have their secret tales That would make your blood run cold. The northern lights have seen queer sights, But the queerest they ever did see Was the night on the marge of Lake LaBarge I cremated Sam McGee.

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

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THE WITCH OF COOS

Robert Frost I staid the night for shelter at a farm Behind the mountain, with a mother and son, Two old-believers. They did all the talking. MOTHER. Folks think a witch who has familiar spirits She could call up to pass a winter evening, But won't, should be burned at the stake or something. Summoning spirits isn't "Button, button, Who's got the button," I would have them know. SON. Mother can make a common table rear And kick with two legs like an army mule. MOTHER. And when I've done it, what good have I done? Rather than tip a table for you, let me Tell you what Ralle the Sioux Control once told me. He said the dead had souls, but when I asked him How could that be-I thought the dead were souls, He broke my trance. Don't that make you suspicious That there's something the dead are keeping back? Yes, there's something the dead are keeping back. SON. You wouldn't want to tell him what we have UP attic, mother? MOTHER. Bones--a skeleton. SON. But the headboard of mother's bet is pushed Against the attic door: the door is nailed. It's harmless. Mother hears it in the night Halting perplexed behind the barrier Of door and headboard. Where it wants to get is back into the cellar where it came from. MOTHER. We'll never let them, will we, son! We'll never! SON. It left the cellar forty years ago And carried itself like a pile of dishes Up one flight from the cellar to the kitchen, Another from the kitchen to the bedroom, Another from the bedroom to the attic, Right past both father and mother, and neither stopped it. Father had gone upstairs; mother was downstairs. I was a baby: I don't know where I was. MOTHER. The only fault my husband found with me-- I went to sleep before I went to bed, Especially in winter when the bed Might just as well be ice and the clothes snow. The night the bones came up the cellar-stairs Toffile had gone to bed alone and left me, But left an open door to cool the room off So as to sort of turn me out of it. I was just coming to myself enough To wonder where the cold was coming from, When I heard Toffile upstairs in the bedroom And thought I heard him downstairs in the cellar. The board we had laid down to walk dry-shod on When there was water in the cellar in spring Struck the hard cellar bottom. And then someone Began the stairs, tow footsteps for each step, The way a man with one leg and a crutch, Or a little child, comes up. It wasn't Toffile: It wasn't anyone who could be there. The bulkhead double-doors were double-locked And swollen tight and buried under snow. The cellar windows were banked up with sawdust And swollen tight and buried under snow. It was the bones. I knew them--and good reason. My first impulse was to get to the knob And hold the door. But the bones didn't try The door; they halted helpless on the landing, Waiting for things to happen in their favor. The faintest restless rustling ran all through them. I never could have done the thing I did If the wish hadn't been too strong in me To see how they were mounted for this walk. I had a vision of them put together Not like a man, but like a chandelier. So suddenly I flung the door wide on him. A moment he stood balancing with emotion, And all but lost himself. (A tongue of fire Flashed out and licked along his upper teeth. Smoke rolled inside the sockets of his eyes.) Then he came at me with one hand outstretched, The way he did in life once; but this time I struck the hand off brittle on the floor, And fell back from him on the floor myself. The finger-pieces slid in all directions. (Where did I see one of those pieces lately? Hand me my button-box-it must be there.) I sat up on the floor and shouted, "Toffile, It's coming up to you." It had its choice Of the door to the cellar or the hall. It took the hall door for the novelty, And set off briskly for so slow a thing, Still going every which way in the joints, though, So that it looked like lightning or a scribble, From the slap I had just now given its hand. I listened till it almost climbed the stairs From the hall to the only finished bedroom, Before I got up to do anything; Then ran and shouted, "Shut the bedroom door, Toffile, for my sake!" "Company?" he said, "Don't make me get up; I'm too warm in bed." So lying forward weakly on the handrail I pushed myself upstairs, and in the light (The kitchen had been dark) I had to own I could see nothing. "Toffile, I don't see it. It's with us in the room though. It's the bones." "What bones?" "The cellar bones--out of the grave." That made him throw his bare legs out of bed And sit up by me and take hold of me. I wanted to put out the light and see If I could see it, or else mow the room, With our arms at the level of our knees, And bring the chalk-pile down. "I'll tell you what-- It's looking for another door to try. The uncommonly deep snow has made him think Of his old song, The Wild Colonial Boy, He always used to sing along the toteroad. He's after an open door to get out- doors. Let's trap him with an open door up attic." Toffile agreed to that, Stories compiled by Rick Clements -- 30 --

and sure enough, Almost the moment he was given an opening, The steps began to climb the attic stairs. I heard them. Toffile didn't seem to hear them. "Quick!" I slammed to the door and held the knob. "Toffile, get nails." I made him nail the door shut, And push the headboard of the bed against it. Then we asked was there anything Up attic that we'd ever want again. The attic was less to us than the cellar. If the bones liked the attic, let them have it. Let them stay in the attic. When they sometimes Come down the stairs at night and stand perplexed Behind the door and headboard of the bed, Brushing their chalky skull with chalky fingers, With sounds like the dry rattling of a shutter, That's what I sit up in the dark to say-- To no one any more since Toffile died. Let them stay in the attic since they went there. I promised Toffile to be cruel to them For helping them to be cruel once to him. SON. We think they had a grave down in the cellar. MOTHER. We know they had a grave down in the cellar. SON. We never could find out whose bones they were. MOTHER. Yes, we could too, son. Tell the truth for once. They were a man's his father killed for me. I mean a man he killed instead of me. The least I could do was to help dig their grave. We were about it one night in the cellar. Son knows the story: but 'twas not for him To tell the truth, suppose the time had come. Son looks surprised to see me end a lie We'd kept all these years between ourselves So as to have it ready for outsiders. But tonight I don't care enough to lie-- I don't remember why I ever cared. Toffile, if he were here, I don't believe Could tell you why he ever cared himself. . . She hadn't found the finger-bone she wanted Among the buttons poured out in her lap. I verified the name next morning: Toffile. The rural letter-box said Toffile Lajway.

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

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WHITE EYES

In fact, there's a Boy Scout camp not far from where this occurred. The San Bernardino Mountains contains a lot of wilderness regions which saw substantial activity about 100 years ago. Here, miners and loggers worked to bring materials down to the Los Angeles basin. But, like most industries of that time, there was a high profit motive, and workers lives were not as important as they were now. One day, a mine tunnel collapsed, trapping a number of men within. They were able to survive, after a fashion, by drinking water which seeped into the tunnels, eating rats, mushrooms, and their dead co-workers. They worked from within to dig themselves out, confident that on the other side, others were digging from the outside in. Well, maybe not that confident, since the mining company was not known for its compassion. Well, it took them a while, but they finally managed to dig themselves out. Then, the formerly trapped miners found two surprises. First, since they had lived in darkness for a long period of time, they could no longer stand the sunlight, and their eyes were pure white---no color except for their pupils, which were dilated. Second, not one man had lifted a shovel to dig them out. They then made a pact, these men, to take revenge on those who had abandoned them. Soon after, mysterious instances of men being killed in the mountains occurred. These men were usually found mauled, bloody and torn. Close examination showed the teeth marks on them were from human teeth. One man was even beaten by his arm which had been torn off at the shoulder. Soon thereafter, the mining company went out of business: No one was willing to work in those mountains, and even groups of men at night were at risk. Rumor had it that the White-Eyes were out for blood. Now, since this happened about 100 years ago, and since only men were working in the mines, there should be no more White-Eyes around. So, we're safe---or are we? Several years ago, a hiker was found mauled on the trail, with human teeth marks. -----Embellish the story as you wish! You may even want to adapt it to your locale. But beware---when I told this story to a group of campers at summer camp once, some boys (in my troop, first timers, and other troops there) were scared out of their wits, especially since it occurred so close to where they were at. -- Thanks to Mas Sayano Assistant Scoutmaster, Los Angeles Area Council

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

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WRAP WRAP WRAP

Like many of you, I was brought up with the ghost story by the campfire. We waited anxiously to hear another good one. (I must say that this was before such movies as Freddie came on -- Movies weren't that bold yet.) Being on the other end of the campfire, I find myself mixed. When a SM must stay up all night with a new scout because the story was too real puts it in a different light. Now, don't get me wrong. Out of the two troops that I've been associated with, both love the ghost stories. However, we have adopted a philosophy in telling the stories. When the audience is populated with young scouts, we add parts to the story that break the mood somewhat, yet still give the thrill that the scouts seek. Then as the Scouts mature, work them into the good wall hangers. As an example, I've enclosed a story that I've had good results with in many groups. I'll just hit the highlights here, then expand a little at the end. ---------------------- story ----------------------------A Troop sets camp in a secluded area by a lake in the mountains. Just at the edge of the clearing stands an old trapper's cabin. As all SM's do at the campfire, this SM tells the following tale: Many years ago this land was sacred hunting ground for the (pick your tribe) Indians in this area. The game in this field was always plentiful -- until the white man came and built that cabin. The tribe elders were enraged at this encroachment, and sent their best warriors to oust the intruder. The leader of the raiding party had seen this intruder, and knew him to be an old man with little spirit, so instead of harming him, they decided to scare him out. The Indian crept up to the house and gently wrapped on the wall. This attracted the attention of the home owner, but finding nothing there, he went back to his work. Again the Indian wrapped on the wall. This cat and mouse game went on for the majority of the night. The white man was becoming afraid of this mystery noise, so he reached for the shotgun he kept over the mantle. The next time the Indian wrapped, the man was prepared and decapitated the Indian with a single shot. The tribe elders, on seeing how easily the white man conquered their best, banned all people from setting foot in their sacred hunting ground. To insure this, the medicine man called on the spirit of the be- headed warrior to guard the land. It is said that on dark rainy nights, the warrior can still be heard prowling around the old home. Once the story was told, the SM bade the boys good night and all turned in. As can happen on spring nights, a thunder cloud began to build and soon the campers found themselves in a wind that was taking the tents away, and drenching them with cold ice water. The leaders decided that the safest thing would be to seek shelter in the old house. The boys eagerly moved into the old house, except for the troop cook -- he was thinking of that old Indian and really didn't want any part of the house. So, just in case he took two of his biggest pans with him for protection. The storm raged on, but the boys had settled down inside the cabin. Suddenly, a faint noise could be heard, wrap, wrap, wrap. Most of the boys didn't hear it, but the cook heard it well. Soon all the scouts were up listening to the wrap, wrap, wrap. The SM went over to the side where it appeared to be coming from and the noise stopped. ( A number of cycles here to build up the suspense. However, the cook was given pans for a reason -he's the skittish one of the group and is liable to swing at anything.) The noise has grown in volume and intensity, and the SM has realized that he must go outside and fix whatever is loose on the house. He takes the senior scouts with him, which unfortunately is the cook. (Suspenseful) they walk around the house and find that the wrapping noise is coming from a hole in the stone fireplace. The SM carefully inserts his hand into the hole and removes a roll of wrapping paper going wrap, wrap, wrap. -end of storyNow to expand on the concept. 1. The corny ending will take the stress off of the story, helping reinforce the thought that it is not real. Besides a laugh is a good thing to create at a campfire. 2. The whole story can be spiced up to make it as thrilling as you want. It won't take too much imagination and a little acting to keep them on the edge of their seats. 3. The cook is a pressure release in the story. He is very high strung and can swing at anything from his own shadow to the scoutmaster. Use him in humorous ways to take the edge off of the story as you go. 4. Taylor the story to your group. If your group is young and gullible, use the cook a little more. If they are seasoned campers, pour on the suspense. We usually find a good mix works wonders. Keep in mind Stories compiled by Rick Clements -- 33 --

that young boys/girls can fix their minds on something like this very easily and they will not sleep in the wood, especially new Scouts. You'll know you did well when you hear that catch phrase wrap, wrap, wrap echo around the camp for the next few days.

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

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HUMOUROUS STORIES

A NIGHT NEAR THE TOOTH

I didn't EXACTLY stay on the Tooth of Time. We were running late when we stopped Shafer's Peak and the danger of walking fast down the narrow trail with sheer drops on each side in the falling darkness finally overcame us. We set up a dining fly in a wide spot and placed our packs (with little food) away from us. Some settled under the fly, and some under the stars. Our scoutmaster and a couple of the boys took a miniature radio out to an overlook for a bit of news. It was to be an eventful night! One of the boys was prone to nose bleeding but had not had problems ... until now. In a fainting sway he nearly pitched over the side. Instead he body checked our small scoutmaster. With a yell that summoned two of us by name but in a tone that revealed the emergency, we jumped from our sleeping bags and (almost) streaked over to carry the boy back to his bag. He was fine. As we slept, a deer or two came silently through our "camp" pausing astride one camper who awoke and missed seeing the stars! The sure footed animal moved on without incident (unlike burros near water!). We were sleeping peacefully despite a rising wind in the early morning darkness. The wind had loosened a corner of our fly and it was flapping in the breeze. About that time, two hikers bound for sunrise on the tooth, heard the flapping and thought the shadows contained a hungry bear. As is procedure, they drew out their mess kits and clanged the pieces in a horrible racket to scare the bear! Our scoutmaster came out of his MUMMY bag without unzipping it! It scared US silly! We all thought we had a bear in our midst! We were all a bit anxious about not making our designated camp but it simply was unsafe. Still, this story is repeated around our campfire with each new batch of scouts in our troop. OH, and we did get to see sunrise over the tooth! -- Thanks to Andy Webb

CAMPFIRES

From A Fine And Pleasant Misery by Patrick F. McManus The campfire was of two basic kinds: the Smudge and the Inferno. The Smudge was what you used when you were desperately in need of heat. By hovering over the Smudge the camper could usually manage to thaw ice from his hands before being kippered to death. The Inferno was what you always used for cooking. Experts on camp cooking claimed you were supposed to cook over something called "a bed of glowing coals." The "bed of glowing coals" was a fiction concocted by experts on camp cooking. As a result, the camp cook was frequently pictured, by artists who should have known better, as a tranquil man hunkered down by a bed of glowing coals, turning plump trout in the frying pan with the blade of his knife. In reality, the camp cook is a wildly distraught individual who charged though waves of heat and speared savagely with a long sharp stick a burning hunk of meat he had tossed on the grill from twenty feet away. Meat roasted over an Inferno was either raw or extra well done. The cook, if he was lucky, came out medium rare.

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

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SECURITY GUYS

Two summers ago, when I was deputy director of the CIA, a friend and I traversed the Olympic Mountain Range in Washington State, hiking 70 miles north to south. Snow in August, ice axes in hand, fording rivers with ropes and in the swift current nearly being carried downstream pack and all; watching with middle-aged sadistic pleasure as my much younger security escorts struggle up the trail. Or the summer before, canoeing 50 mile long Ross Lake in Washington near the Canadian border in overloaded canoes in a driving wind and rainstorm, foot high swells threatening to capsize us, wondering if we'd escape with our lives. Then having the security guys, also struggling, paddle up alongside to report that they had a radio call from Washington ... and "?could I get to a secure telephone?" This when I thought I might never even see the shore again. But this message gave me a determination to survive ... if only to get pack to Washington and find out who had placed that call. -- Part of a story by Robert Gates, in Scouting Magazine

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

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WESTERN STORIES

THE BALLAD OF JOHNNY O'DELL

Wild are the tales of the Pony Express And most of them are true if I don't miss my guess. But wildest of all tales that they tell Is that of fearless young Johnny O'Dell. Johnny was little, but he was a man Whom none could outride, outshoot or outplan. Ride, he could ride anything that could run And could outdo any man with a gun. Back in those days there were men in the West And Johnny O'Dell was as good as the best. Only the bravest could carry the mail Through terrible dangers that haunted the trail. Dangers there were on the night I describe, For Johnny encountered an Indian tribe. Blackie, his horse, gave a new burst of speed. No Indian pinto could equal that steed. Bullets and arrows whizzed over his head As into the foe and right through them he sped. Outlaws had raided the station ahead The horses were stolen, his partner was dead. Onward went Johnny over the trail. For such was the life when you carry the mail Rivers they forded for bridges there were none While crossing one stream he was stopped by a gun. "Halt!" cried a man on the bank of the creekAs together they fired by the light of the sun. Still lay the stranger whom Johnny had met, For all that I know he is lying there yet. Onward went Johnny into the West, As a spot of crimson appeared on his vest. Together they continued their hazardous ride, The powerful horse with the brave man astride. Into the town of Red Gulch did they go, As blotches of blood marked their way through the snow. This was the end of the perilous trail Through bullets, and arrows; through blizzards and hail. Johnny dismounted and cried with a wail, "Oh, Darn it all, I've forgotten the mail!"

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

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STORIES WITH A MORAL

IF ONLY ...

Won Lee was a stone cutter who lived in ancient China. He cut large stones and he cut small stones. He made them into ornaments for gardens. Some he cut to build houses. He was proud of his work, but sometimes he would think, "If only I had more money" or "If only I had less work." One day, Won Lee was walking home from work. The sun was very hot and he was tired, so he sat down at the side of the road. He felt the heat of the sun and thought, "It's the sun that gives us the daylight, the warmth to grow our crops. Surely the sun must be the most powerful of all things." Won Lee said quietly to himself, "God, if only I could be the sun. I would love to feel what it is like to be the most powerful, the greatest of all things." God answered Won Lee. "You may become the sun." He said. And Won Lee became the sun. He felt wonderful; so strong and powerful. He shone down on the world far below. After a few days, a puffy white cloud appeared in the sky. It drifted about and, when it came near Won Lee, it blotted out his rays and cast a shadow on the world. Won Lee was sad. Surely this cloud was more powerful than he ? "If only I were the cloud. That would make me the greatest of all things," he said. God heard, and again He answered: "Won Lee, you may become the cloud." So Won Lee floated about the sky feeling very grand. One day, Won Lee saw a great black cloud coming his way. Soon it surrounded him, and he saw the black cloud dripping droplets of water. The drops fell on the earth and made a mighty river. Won Lee thought that this black cloud must be very powerful to swallow up a cloud and turn itself into a river, so he said, "If only I were the river. How mighty I would be. Then I would be truly happy." Again God heard and answered: "Okay. You may be the river." So Won Lee flowed along, feeling the mighty rush of water. Then he came to a bend in the river. There was a great boulder jutting out into the river. The great boulder held the river, swirling it back on itself. Won Lee thought, "The rock ! The rock ! At last I have found the mightiest of all things. If this rock can hold back the raging river, then it is the greatest. If only I were this great big rock, I would be happy." So God made Won Lee into the boulder and he stood there, holding back the water and feeling very great and happy. Then, one day, along came a man who cut a large piece off the boulder. Won Lee was sad. No longer was he the greatest if this man could come along and cut him up. "If only I could be the man who cut up the stone, I would surely be the greatest," Won Lee thought. And God said to Won Lee: "But you are the Stone Cutter!" -- Australian Scout magazine

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

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WINTER CUB STORY

During our 1991 (Feb) winter camp, I was called to tell a story during campfire. The weather outside was bitterly cold (-25 Celsius) and the wind was howling. I hadn't given a story much thought, because I usually have one tucked away in the back of my mind for all occasions. This time I was stumped. After a couple milliseconds, the brain kicked in and the light went on. We were inside the main cabin for an indoor fire. I turned the lights down low, leaving only a small spotlight on the Wolf's head above the fireplace. I got a chair, turned it around & sat down on it backwards. The atmosphere was somber, and quiet. You could hear the wind howling outside. -- Start of Story Years ago, right here at this camp, a Cub pack, much like ours came out for the weekend. As with most every pack, there's always one Cub, who's much better than everyone else in his camping skills. This Pack had an exceptional Cub, who everyone looked up to, to help them out if they were having any problems. This Cub could walk farther than anyone else, catch bigger fish, make a better snow-fort to sleep in, start a fire with one match every time, could snowshoe faster than the leaders, and many more skills. Everyone would ask him for help, because he was so good. The leaders relayed on him to help teach all the Cub skills, and he did it with a smile on his face. Everyone liked him because he was so friendly. Saturday night, he and a few of his friends decided to sleep outside in a snow fort. The Cub helped everyone to get settled, before turning in himself. The Camp Chief came out to check on them periodically, so no one would get cold. In the middle of the night, the Cub was awoken by the call to nature. He woke up a couple of his buddies to go with him, as he knew that no one should go anywhere without a buddy. His friends told him that since he was the best Cub in the pack, and knew so much, that there was no chance for something to go wrong. You all know, that flattery is great for one's ego, and this Cub was no different. He got dressed and ventured outside to one of the biffies, to complete his task. After he had done, he got dressed again, and started back to his snow fort. But when he opened the door to the biffie, he saw that a storm had moved in. He started to return to his fort, but the tracks he had left had been blown over by the storm. He tried to find his way back, but the wind was driving the snow in his eyes and he couldn't see anything. He walked as fast as he could to where he thought the fort was, but he couldn't find it. He walked, and stumbled in the storm for what seemed a long time, when he realized he was in trouble. He remembered the first rule when lost in the winter: stop and build a fire. He found a spot to dig out a cave in a snow bank, and crawled in. He had an emergency kit with him, and quickly had a fire going. The next morning, everyone awoke to find a clean, crisp layer of white snow had covered the camp. It didn't take long for the Cub's friends to realized that he was missing, and they ran to tell the rest of the camp. Everyone got dressed in their warmest clothes and quickly started a search party. They scoured the entire camp for hours, but couldn't find the Lost Cub. For the rest of the day, everyone searched for him. They called the police to help, but still couldn't find him. For days, search parties combed the area looking for the Cub, but he was never found. It was a sad year for that Cub Pack. They had lost a great friend. In the Spring, they gathered again at the camp to search for the Cub's remains. Again, everyone searched everywhere, but couldn't find him. I often walk through these woods at night, and often think about the Lost Cub. It's been said that if you are walking alone through these woods at night, you may feel a cold draft shiver down your back. It maybe the Lost Cub reminding you to get a BUDDY! -- End of Story I've told this story a couple other times, and have gotten the same re-action; sadness & remorse from all. It's really helped to emphasize the "buddy system" in our Pack. I still get questions from older Cubs - Was that story real? I never answer. -- Thanks to Randy Carnduff

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 39 --

THE RABBI & THE SOAP MAKER

A Rabbi and a soap maker were walking along and the soap maker questioned the Rabbi by asking, "What good is religion? There's been religion for a long time, but people are still bad to each other" The Rabbi was silent until they say a boy who was dirty from playing in the street. The Rabbi asked the soap maker, "What good is soap? We've had soap for many, many years and people still get dirty" The soap maker protested the comparison and insisted that the soap had to be used in order to keep people clean. "Exactly my point", said the Rabbi. "Religion", he said, "has to be applied in order to do anybody any good."

THE KOOLAMUNGA TEST

Long ago, somewhere in Africa, a little place called Koolamunga had a Scout troop but no Cub Pack. When the missionary, John Cristy, sent out word that he was going to start a pack, all the boys who were too young to be Scouts rushed over to join. John looked out at rows and rows of faces - black, white, brown, yellow, and some so dirty you couldn't tell. It was impossible to start a pack with 40 or 50 Cubs ! "You can't be a Cub until you are eight," he said, "so would everybody younger please go home." Nobody left. The six and seven-year-olds stood as tall as they could and tried to look tough. John realized he would have to sort them out some other way. So he told them the Cub Law. And then he said, "Next week, we will have an obstacle race. You can all come, but I shall start the pack with the 12 boys who do their best to keep the Law during the race." A big crowd gathered on race day. The Scouts came along to help John pick his 12 Cubs. John designed an obstacle course so tough that it automatically eliminated the boys who were too young. The others had to run half a kilometer downhill to the river through prickles and a mangrove swamp with knee-deep mud. Then they had to swim across the river. On the other side, they had to climb a steep bank, go along the top, cross over the river again by a fallen tree bridge, and finally climb 300 m up the hill to the finish. "This is not a race," John told them. "It's a test to see who can really do his best to keep the Cub Law." And he was already sorting them out. Some jabbered away and didn't listen to the rules. One put his foot over the starting line. "Ready, steady, GO!" John shouted, and off they went. Very soon, some of them were yelling and swearing at the prickles. In the swamp, some gave up, pretending they were hurt. One boy thought he would be clever and sneak along the bank instead of swimming across the river. A small boy caught his foot in a floating branch and thought it was a crocodile. John didn't blame him for yelling, but noticed a red-headed boy swim back to pull the branch free. Then he saw a white hand shoot out and duck a black head. That settled the white boy's chances, but the black face came up smiling and the boy swam on without complaint. On the tree bridge, there was a good deal of bumping, some by mistake and some by mistake-on- purpose. Only 20 boys finished the race, and the first 12 home were sure they would be chosen. But the Scouts put aside those who had cheated or taken short cuts, those who had pretended to be hurt, and those who had sworn or lost their temper. John chose only boys who had done their best to keep the Cub Law. There were 11 of them. For the 12th, he chose a boy named Peter who was watching but hadn't taken part in the race. John knew his mother was ill. She'd asked Peter to look after the younger children to make sure they didn't fall into the river, and he did it without a grumble. And who do you think he asked to be his sixers ? He chose the red-haired boy who had turned back to help with the crocodile that wasn't a crocodile, and the black boy who came up smiling after being ducked. And that's how the 1st Koolamunga Pack began. If you'd been there, would you have been one of the 12 chosen ? -- Leader Magazine, January, 1989

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES

THE FARMER

There was this farmer who had many fields. And throughout all his fields, he worked very very hard at keeping all the animals away, and as such, out of his crops that he worked very very hard to plant. And ... He was successful in keeping all the animals out. No birds, no deer, NOTHING got through all his wire fences and traps that he had set out to keep the animals out. As time went on, this farmer got more and more lonely. So lonely as a matter of fact, that one day, he went out into his fields, held his arms out wide and called to all of the animals to come. He stood there all day and night with his arms out wide, calling to all the animals, but you know what, none of the animals came ... No, not one. ... And what was the reason none came? All of the animals were afraid of the farmers ... new scarecrow out in the field. -- Thanks to Brad George

HE DREW

This Poem was written by a Grade 12 Student who committed suicide some 2 weeks later. He always wanted to explain things. But no one cared. So he drew. Sometimes he would draw and it wasn't anything. He wanted to carve it in stone or write it in the sky. He would lie out on the grass and look up in the sky. And it would be only him and the sky and the things inside him that needed saying. And it was after that he drew the picture. It was a beautiful picture. He kept it under his pillow and would let no one see it. And he would look at it every night and think about it. And when it was dark, and his eyes were closed, he could still see it. And it was all of him. And he loved it. When he started school he brought it with him. Not to show anyone, but just to have it with him like a friend. It was funny about school. He sat in a square, brown desk. Like all the other square, brown desks. And he thought it should be red. And his room was a square brown room. Like all the other rooms. And it was tight and close. And stiff. He hated to hold the pencil and chalk, With his arm stiff and his feet flat on the floor, Stiff. With the teacher watching and watching. The teacher came and spoke to him. She told him to wear a tie like all the other boys. He said he didn't like them. And she said it didn't matter. After that they drew. And he drew all yellow and it was the way he felt about morning. And it was beautiful. The teacher came and smiled at him. "What's this?" she said. "Why don't you draw something like Ken's drawing? Isn't that beautiful?" After that his mother bought him a tie. And he always drew airplanes and rocket ships like everyone else. And he threw the old picture away. And when he lay alone looking at the sky, it was big and blue and all of everything. But he wasn't anymore. He was square inside And brown And his hands were stiff. And he was like everyone else. And the things inside him that needed saying didn't need it anymore. It had stopped pushing. It was crushed. Stiff. Like everything else. -- Thanks to Heather McCaslin, Troop Scouter

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

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SCOUTING STORIES

WEBELOS

Hear now the Webelos legend; The tale of the Webelos tribe; The tale of Akela its Chieftain. 'Hoo', called the owl in the darkness and Mowglie, the Indian boy Lay in his tipi and listened to the rustle of trees in the night. 'Boom' went the deep muffled beat of the great ceremonial drum; the braves of the tribe were convening, He wished he could answer that call. Quick, like the flight of an arrow; Quiet, in the hush of the night; Before a great fire ring they gathered Awaiting Akela their Chief. Here in the great council ring fire On top of the cliff there they met. Here often they come for decisions Here, too, the Great Spirit they sought. Here they sought help from the Spirit On hunt or on warpath; in peace. Here they met their Chief Akela; Awaited his final decrees. Now with the 'boom' of the big drum All was quiet, the night was quiet still. The great ceremonial fire, when lighted, illuminated the hill The tom-toms began, set the rhythm, Akela stepped into the Ring. First low and slow, then ... like thunder... The beat as he danced near the fire. Dancing with grace, full of gesture, In costume he told of his life. He told of the strength of his father, The powerful 'Arrow of Light' 'Kind Eyes' his mother, taught those things that only a mother can know. He once save her life with his arrow; His father helped fashion his bow. The tom-toms beat on and his dance Told of trips to the forest, where wolf Taught him the ways of the wild life of the ground, of the tracks, ways to food. Through dancing and gesture he told how he next faced the Bear and learned The meaning of Courage; and then He became a young Scout on the trail. Akela, the Wise, closed his dance. By sign and by gesture he told How the Tribe can be strong only when The boys of the Tribe are quite strong. He said this, 'The future is hidden But if we are strong and are brave, If we can teach our boys to be square, Our tribe will continue to be strong.' "Let us name our tribe for the Bobcat, The Wolf and the Bear and the Scout, The Webelos Tribe we'll be called and The strongest of all we will be." Akela thus ended his dance The beat of the tom-tom was stilled. In silence the warriors stood, Then gave the great guttural "HOW"! The fire burned low, all was still. No sound broke the hush on the hill, Save the crackle of embers and all The mysterious half- noises of night. The braves raised their right hand toward heaven. "Living Circle" was formed with their left. The Webelos pledge was then given; "To live and help live' was their pledge. This, then, is the Webelos legend. This, then, is the reason they're strong. They honor the pledge which they make; "To live and help live" is their goal. -- Arranged from the prose by Milton Klint, Salina, Kansas

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 42 --

AKELA'S TEST

I found this as a skit in a 1962 edition of The How To Book Of Cub Scouting. I modified it for an advancement ceremony. I changed the main character from Brave Heart to Akela. I also changed the events a little to fit the advancement ranks we had. I left it as a ceremony when I included it here. You can uses it as a ceremony or change it into a story or skit. Baloo: Akela had to pass a test to prove himself worthy of becoming chief. All the braves were given four arrows. These were special arrows, once they had been used they would shatter. They could only eat food they had caught themselves. The brave who stayed out the longest would become chief. Akela: I walked far from camp and stopped at the side of a clearing. I waited all night for a deer to come by. I took careful aim and shot. It provided me with food for many days. It's hide provided me with clothing. Baloo: This showed that Akela had learned the basic skills he needed. It also showed the virtue of patience. The rank of Bobcat indicates the Cub Scout has learned the basic skills. Will _____ come up an join us by the campfire. Your parents will join you later. ____ has earned his (their) Bobcat badge(s). Akela: I walked along the trail near the stream. There, I came upon a friend laying in the trail. He had used up all his arrows and was starving. I saw a squirrel in a near by tree. I wanted to save my arrows for bigger game, but my friend was starving. So, I shot the squirrel for my friend. Baloo: This showed Akela had learned the value of friendship and that he was unselfish. The Wolf badge indicates the Cub Scout has learned new things has he travels the trail of Scouting. Will _____ come up an join us by the campfire. ____ has earned his (their) Wolf badge(s). Akela: As I followed the trail by the stream, I came face to face with a huge bear. It growled and started running toward me. I strung my bow, took careful aim and when he was near I shot and killed him. He provided me with food for many more days. His heavy coat provided me with shelter from the cold nights. Baloo: This showed Akela is brave. This is also why honor the Cubs at the next level of accomplishment with the Bear badge. Will _____ come up an join us by the campfire. ____ has earned his (their) Bear badge(s). Akela: The meet from the bear lasted for many days, but soon I had to continue on to search of more food. I came upon a wolf that had just killed a dear. The wolf saw me and ran off. I was hungry, but I had promised to only eat food I had killed, so I continued on. Baloo: This showed Akela's honesty. To earn the Webelos badge, the Cub Scout must learn the Boy Scout law which includes honesty. Will _____ come up an join us by the campfire. ____ has earned his (their) Webelos badge(s). Akela: I was many days from our camp. I needed food to give me the strength to make it back to camp. So, I tracked the wolf I had seen before. I took my last arrow, took careful aim and missed. I was scared because I had no food or arrows. As I started back to camp, I prayed to the great spirit. Suddenly, I saw the arrow; it was still whole. I followed the wolf's trail again. I took aim and shot him. I now had enough food to return home Baloo: Akela learned that sometimes you have to ask for help. Our Cub Scouts sometimes need help also. Their parents provide that help. So, will the parents please come up and stand behind their sons. -- Thanks to Rick Clements, Cubmaster, Pack 225

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 43 --

STORY TELLING

These are general guidelines to try. It will take some trial and error to find what works for you. I've seen things work great for someone, but I have been unable to make them work. I have been able to adapt them and make them work.

WHEN TO TELL STORIES

The following suggestions are from Blair Madore. - Only do it at camp, and not all the time. It keeps them wanting more. - Never repeat a story. Never read a story (exception: the diary story that was posted earlier- great idea!). [At Webelos Resident Camp, I saw a story read with very good results. It was Cub Scouts by Patrick F. McManus. This is an other case of what works for you.] - Wait for it to be very dark and the campfire to be nothing but embers. Insist on complete silence. When the story is over end the campfire. Send the scouts to bed immediately (or after a quick mug up). - Never tell them "it's just a story". If they ask if it's true, try lines like "What do you think?"

CHOOSING A STORY

You can write your own story, use one that's written or modify a story that's written. But, the final story needs to fit both you and your audience. As the workbook The Entertaining Speaker from Toastmasters International says, "It should suit your personal style and outlook on life. If you aren't comfortable with a story or a set of funny lines, your material won't go over well as part of an entertaining speech." If you are writing an entertaining story, your personal experiences are a good starting point, but you don't have to stick to the facts. You can stretch the facts, combine different events or even modify a joke to fit. Also, a story doesn't have to funny to be entertaining; the ghost stories and the "Winter Cub Story" are entertaining by being dramatic. If you are using an existing story, the workbook Storytelling from Toastmasters International offers the following points to consider. - The age of the audience. Are your listeners adults, teenagers or children? Different age groups prefer different types of stories. - The type of audience. Are your listeners boys, girls, men women? - The social and intellectual levels of your listeners. Generally, younger children enjoy stories with plot and action. Older children and adults like stories with more humor and interplay with characters. All ages enjoy rhythm and movement of event in stories. Stories should be well paced, with few slow and no dull spots. You also need to consider how your story will fit with other events. For example, if the story will be used at the beginning of a campfire, it should have a lot of excitement and energy. If the story will be used near the end, it should be quieter and more thoughtful. Stories are usually better told than acted out. If you act them out they become more of a skit. I had the instructor at Pow Wow (a Cub Scout leader training session) tell us that it's better to just stand than incorporate any movement. My experience tends not to agree with that; gestures -- if the are natural -- add to the story. The gestures also depend on the audience. A friend of mine, who is a seminary student, said he was taught that elementary school age children like more gestures and movement. That agrees with the following statement from Gestures: Your Body Speaks from Toastmasters International.

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 44 --

You may, on occasion, have to adapt your gestures to fit the size and nature of your audience. The larger the audience, the broader and slower your gestures should be. Young audiences are usually attracted to a speaker who uses vigorous gestures, but older, more conservative groups may feel irritated or threatened by a speaker whose physical actions are too powerful.

Stories compiled by Rick Clements

-- 45 --

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

Compiled by R. Gary Hendra, the MacScouter

[email protected], http://www.macscouter.com

Table of Contents

Title Page Title Contagious Disease Ward Court Case Court Scene Crazy Charlie Cub Cookout Cub Olympics Cub Scout Socks Cub Shop Damn! (or should I say Darn?) Dancing Knee Dolls The Dangerous Tent The Dead Body The Den Mother's Bouquet Did You Have V-8? Dinner Special Doctor! Doctor! Doctor's Office Doggie Doctor Doggie Doo The Dumb Actors Easter Bunny The Echo Echo, again! Echo Point Elevated Gum The Elevator Emergency Room Doctor The Enlarging Machine Eskimo Pie The Failed Reporter The Fire Firebuilding The Firing Squad Version 2: Fish Market Fishin' Fishing Fishing on a Park Bench Fishing Success The Fishing Trip Flasher Flea The Flea Circus Flora the Flea Fly in the Soup Flying High Fly in the Soup Food, Water & Mirror on the Sahara The Fortune Teller Four Leaf Clover The Four Seasons Fred the Trained Flea Friends of Years The Frightened Hunter Game Show Gathering of the Nuts I Gathering of the Nuts II The General Store The Ghost of Midnight Page 17 17 17 17 17 18 18 18 19 19 19 20 20 20 20 20 21 21 21 21 22 22 23 23 23 23 23 24 24 24 25 25 25 25 26 26 26 26 26 27 27 27 27 28 28 28 28 28 29 29 29 30 30 30 30 30 31 31 31 January 1997

Introduction Staging Skits Other Sources of Skits The Big Book of Skits

The Airplane Airplane Short Runway All Face American Folk Tale Skit The Ants Artistic Genius The Great Aug The Babies & Dads Backpacking A Bad Turn Balloon Orchestra The Baseball Game Bear Hunt Bee Sting The Beer Commercial Bell Ringer #1 Bell Ringer # 2 Bell Ringer # 3 Be Prepared The Best Spitter In The World The Better Thief The Bicycle Shop Big Game Hunting Big Itch The Bigger Jerk The Biggest Turkey Black Bart The Blanket Tossing Team Blindfold Bonfire Border Crossing Brain Shop Brain Transplant The Briefcase A Brotherhood of Scouting The Bubble Gum on the Street The Bubble Gum in the Studios Buffalo Stories Bus Driver C.P.R. Camel Patrol Camp Coffee Sketch Can You Do This? The Candy Shop The Candy Store Candy Store Candy Store (variation) Change Underwear Chewing Gum Chief Shortcake Chin Faces Climb That The Compass The Complaining Monk The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

1 1 2 3

3 3 3 3 4 4 4 5 5 5 5 6 6 6 7 7 8 8 8 8 8 9 9 9 9 9 10 10 10 10 10 11 11 11 12 13 13 13 13 14 14 14 14 14 15 15 15 15 15 15 16 16 16 16

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Table of Contents

Title Ghost With One Black Eye Ghostcatchers Giant Worm Glass of Water Go Cart Gone Fishin' The Good Samaritan Good Soup Granny! Wake Up! Granny's Candy Store The Greatest Spitter in the World Grease Green Side Up! Green Side Up! The Greyhound Bus The Growing Machine The Hair Cut Machine Hairy Hamburger Harlem Globetrotters Have You Seen my Belly Button? The Heart Attack Heaven's Gate Herman, The Trained Flea Hiccup for Me The Highest Tree climber in the World A Hot Meal! How do I do That? How Indians Tell Time at Night How to Make the Team How to Wash An Elephant I Gotta Go Wee Igor I'm Gonna Get You! I'm Russian! The Important Papers The Important Meeting In the Furniture Store The Infantry The Injury The Inspection Intelligence In the Furniture Store The Invisible Bench Is a Train Passing Today? Is Captain Kidd Afraid of Himself? Is It Time Yet? I Gotta Go Weee! J.C. Penney Join the Army! Joke Teller Jumbo Burgers The Jump Karate Orientale Keep Canada Beautiful Contest Knot Demonstration The King's Raisins Knot Demonstration The Land Shark The Lawn Mower I The Lawnmower II The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits Page 32 32 32 32 32 33 33 33 33 34 34 34 34 35 35 35 35 35 36 36 36 37 37 37 37 38 39 39 39 40 40 40 40 41 41 41 41 42 42 42 42 43 43 43 43 44 44 45 45 45 46 46 46 47 47 47 47 48 48 Title Learning English Learning the Alphabet Let Me Have It! Letters from Home Lie Detector The Lighthouse Sketch The Lighthouse Lightening Strike Lights, Camera, Action Litter Hurts Little Green Ball Listen at the Wall Living Xylophone Lobster Tail The Loon Hunt Lost Item around Campfire The Lost Lollipop The Lost Quarter Lunch Break Mad Reporter The Magic Bandanna The Magic Doctor's Chair Martian Mamma Measurement Problem Medical Genius Military Genius Mixed Body Acting Mixed Up Magic The Motorcycle Gang The Motorcycle Shop Mr. Kerplunk Musical Genius Musical Toilet Seat Salesman Nanook Napoleon's Last Farewell The New Badge The New Car New Saw News Flash! No Rocket Scientist Nosebleed No Skit Nutty Fisherman The Nurses Offensive Bus Passenger Oh-Wa-Ta-Goo-Siam The Old Gum Old Movie Scene Old Socks The Olde Lighthouse Olympic Drama OOOOOO A Bug! The Operation The Outhouse in the Yangtze River The Outhouse Sketch The Outlaw Over the Cliff The Page (The Skit) Painting the Walls Page 48 48 49 49 50 50 50 51 51 51 51 51 51 51 52 52 52 53 53 53 53 54 54 54 54 55 55 55 55 55 56 56 56 56 57 57 57 58 58 59 59 59 59 60 60 60 60 60 60 61 61 61 61 61 62 62 62 63 63 January 1997

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Table of Contents

Title Panther Tracks The Parachute The Party Warehouse Pass the Pepper Patience, Jackass, Patience! Peanuts Peanuts in the Lake Pencils Pet Shop Pickin' Cotton Pickpocket Pickpockets Pickpockets #2 Pie in the Face The Pilfered Warehouse The Pirate Family Plane Landing Play Ball PLC Meeting Poison Spring The Poor Excuses Pop Commercial Post Office / King's Royal Paper Potted Plant Presents for the Teacher Prisoner The Professor's Address Puppy in the Box A Quiet Day Raisin Real Thing Reggie and the Colonel The Restaurant Restaurant Minutes Rise, Walk, and Kill, Igor River Run Rowing Salesman Saloon Sarge And The Private School's on Fire Scientific Genius The Scout Uniform Scoutmaster's Brains Scoutmaster's Gift Scoutmaster's Saw The Screwy Navel Shape Up! The Short Runway The Shrimpy Boxer Shut Up! The Siberian Chicken Farmer Sidewalk Climbing Singer Six Wise Travelers The Sleep Walker Slug Trainers The Smart Scout Smoke Signals The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits Page 63 64 64 64 64 65 65 66 67 67 68 68 68 68 68 69 69 69 69 70 70 70 70 71 71 71 71 72 72 72 72 73 73 73 74 74 74 74 75 75 75 75 75 76 76 76 77 77 77 78 78 78 79 80 80 80 80 80 80 Title The Sneeze Soldier In the Battlefield Someone Chanted Evening Sounds of the Lost Scoutmaster The Sounds of the Wilderness Sour Notes Space Derby Skit. The Special Papers Spelling Contest The Split Ball SPL's Too Tough To Be Tasty Spring Spring is Sprung! Star Gazing St. Peter The Statue Warehouse Statues in the Park The Strange Trees Submarine Submarine Patrol Submarine Training The Successful Fisherman Super Clutz A Talking Martian! Tankety Tank Tenting Thar's a Bear There's a Bear! The Thinker The Thirsty Donkey The Thirsty Fisherman Three Against 1000 Three Rivers Three Rivers II Three Scoops Ticket Line Time on the Park Bench Timothy Eaton Toothache Toothpaste Tracks The Trained Caterpillar The Train Skit The Trees Trick or Treat Trimming the Christmas Tree Turkey Contest The Twelve Days of Christmas Twist Mouth Family Ugliest Man in the World (or Bad Breath) Ugly Baby Up Harold Upside Down Singers Vampire Snack The Viper is Coming The Wall The Waiter Waiter! The Waiting Room Page 80 81 81 81 81 82 82 82 82 83 83 84 84 85 85 85 85 85 86 86 86 87 87 87 88 88 88 89 89 89 89 90 90 90 91 91 91 91 92 92 92 92 92 93 93 93 94 94 95 95 95 95 95 95 96 96 96 96 97 January 1997

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Table of Contents

Title Page Title Page Washington's Farewell 97 Water, Water! 97 We Ain't Got the Money for the Mortgage on the Farm 97 We Hit! 98 The Weather Man 98 The Well-Trained Elephant 99 What the Heck Was That? 99 What Time is it? 99 What's the Problem? 99 What's 2+2? 100 Who Sneezed? 100 Why Are You Late? 100 Worlds Greatest Pitcher 101 The World's Greatest Spitter 101 The World's Ugliest Man 101 What a Day 102 The Wrong Skit 102 You Don't Say! 102 You Need a Tie, Sir 102 You've Broken the Rules! 102 Yukon Winter 103 49...49...49 104 The 5th Floor 104 7 Jerks on the Line 105

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

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January 1997

Introduction

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits is the result of compiling skits from various Internet Scouting sources, and lots of creative people. This is the first major revision of the Big Book, incorporating more than 150 new skits. At last count there are 377 skits in the Big Book -- this may be the biggest collection of skits in the world. With a little luck, the book will be updated irregularly, as more material comes in. The Big Book started with the Scouts-L Skits FAQ, and a few other small compilations of skits. People have sent me individual skits and groups of skits. My sincere thanks to Merl Whitebook, the most prolific contributor to this volume. My thanks also to Hans Hussman, Bob Jenkins, the US Scouting Service Project, the Australian Scouting Association, and a cast of other characters. R. Gary Hendra, The MacScouter, January 1997

Staging Skits

by Merl Whitebook, adapted by the MacScouter Skits are usually never longer than 3 to 5 minutes and are ideally somewhere around 90 seconds. Sources of your skits are imagination, Leader magazine, jokes from books, Reader's Digest, campfires, kids, and other leaders, and of course the MacScouter's Big Book of Skits. Watch out for scratch skits from the kids, because they usually aren't funny, are too long and don't make any sense, not to mention the kids forget what they're supposed to say and do. A real bore to watch. Which leads to the next point -- reserve the right to edit or veto the kids' skits, within reason of course. You've got to avoid swearing, hitting, and stupid, no-sense skits. Though I have seen some original beauties from kids, as well as some wonderful modifications from them, both of which through little if any leader intervention. Generally, a good way to get the kids involved in a good skit is to provide them with a choice of about two or three skits and let them choose a tried and proven skit, then help them modify it to the number of kids available and the theme. Rehearse the skit beforehand. It will increase the kids' confidence and can help to avoid whispering, fumbling, amnesia, arguing about who says what, and all sorts of problems. This task is impossible, but essential to work on. The boys have to speak up so that everyone can hear them. Who cares how good the joke is if you can't hear it. That's where rehearsing comes in handy. Cue cards can be useful for the kids so that they can remember their lines. Make poster size cards with large, simple writing. A far out idea, but can be useful if the kids can read. And hey! It may unintentionally turn out to be the gag of the weekend! (How about a skit involving cue cards, and the punch line being "But Sir! We can't read!") Besides the variations mentioned, most of these skits lend themselves rather well to variation of some sort, allowing for easy use throughout a variety of different themes. I saw "The Beer Commercial" originally as a filming of Romeo and Juliet, "The Dumb Actors" can be a filming of any theme related scene, "Peanuts in the Lake" originally had flat out refusals from the relatives, but was modified for an environmental theme, and "Rise, Walk, and Kill, Igor" can have a Scout Troop selling fertilizer, Dr. Mad's Grandmother visiting and the cable company coming by to install a new TV. Of course, some skits such as "You've Broken the Rules!," "Nosebleed," to some extent "Trimming the Christmas Tree" and "The Infantry is Coming!" are a little more situation specific and depend on prescribed scenery and situations to get the joke done properly. But when possible, decide what you need and then change a skit, even if only minor details mentioned can be changed to fit. The scripts aren't cast in stone. Avoid rancid skits such as Veech Boton, Ugliest Man in the World, Is it Time Yet?, Nosebleed, and any skit you or your kids have done three times in row (or three times in the past year.) Yes, the kids do love these skits and want to do them again and again, but they become bored sooner or later and start to complain "Not another campfire..." or they call out "I know the joke! He's got a nosebleed!" So try a new skit -- it's just as fun and will improve greatly the enjoyability of your campfires. Watch out for using or modifying skits that touch on sensitive topics. What used to be considered acceptable jokes no longer are, such as ethnic or handicapped targets. Keep to topics of common ground. In your skits, a volunteer is usually a pre-selected person who you seem to pluck out of the audience, but of course is planted there. In a pinch, you can just choose your volunteers at random and give them instructions as part of the act. A victim, on the other hand, is a person who is chosen at random or pre- selected (without their knowledge) to be the butt of the joke. Of course, discretion is advised. Try your good humored DC or that Beaver leader who just won't run out of energy. Have a cheermaster. A CM is someone who keeps track of group songs, yells, cheers and skits. Over time, you can start weeding out the good from the bad from the seen too many times and you can get quite a collection -- here's mine! With many sources you can pick up as many as you desire.

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

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January 1997

Build up a repertoire of one man skits, or, if you have one of those friends who's been with you in your Scouting endeavors since you were a Scout and probably will always be with you till beyond the grave, act as a team and memorize some skits that without even a moment's notice you can use to fill in a space. There are a number of skits listed here that require only one or two participants or whose "volunteers" can usually be chosen at random. Examples -- "The Bubble Gum in the Studios;" "Flora the Flea;" "The Bigger Jerk;" "The Highest Tree Climber" (just have the person talk to himself); "7 Jerks on the Line;" "Spring is Sprung;" "The Viper" (just two people, same one running in over and over again); "You Don't Say;" "Highest Jumper in the World;" "The WellTrained Elephant;" "Food, Water and Mirror on the Sahara;" "You Need a Tie, Sir;" "A Hot Meal;" "Brain Shop;" "Pet Shop;" "The Ghost of Midnight;" "I'm Gonna Get You!;" "News Flash!;" "Learning the Alphabet;" "The Wrong Skit;" and "The Ghost With One Black Eye." Make your skits enjoyable!

Other Sources of Skits

There are a few books I know on skits, yells and campfires: The "BSA Cub Scout Leader How-To Book". It is built to help the cub scout pack and den leaders running programs that kids enjoy. A section of 15 pages is dedicated to skits, yells and applauses. ISBN 0-8395-3831-6. "Creative Campfires" is another fine publication. Half of the book contains songs, and the rest is crammed with skits, stories, yells and tips to set up an entertaining campfire. (Sorry - no ISBN, but it can be ordered worldwide from the BSA Supply Division - Fax +1-704-588-5822). "Campfire Stories....Things That go Bump in the Night" by William Forgey, M.D. contains 21 campfire stories, with large typeface summary of each. Also includes the author's suggestions for how to be successful at telling campfire stories. ISBN 0-934802-23-8 published by ICS Books. Approximate price: $10US $13CA

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

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January 1997

The Big Book of Skits

The Airplane

7-Scouts acts as the pilot, co-pilot and radioman on an airliner. 4 other scouts are on the wings as the engines, on the wings of the plane. The pilot announces to co-pilot that engine one has failed. Engine one (ham this up) sputters, makes noise and dies, Co-pilot instructs radioman to inform tower and tell them they will be arriving 15 minutes late(radioman radios tower and repeats message). Soon after engine two fails, repeat the process again but this time tell the tower they will be 30 minutes late. Then engine three with more panic tell the tower we will be 1 hour late. Finally the pilot announces the fourth and final engine has failed. The radioman then says: "Boys I'd better radio the tower, we may be up here all day!"

Airplane Short Runway

Cast: 2 scouts (If more are desired, they can be passengers, with suitable sound effects and actions. Seating for pilot and co-pilot, and for passengers if required and a compass. Announcer: This scene is on board a very low budget airline. Pilot: Well, are we anywhere near the airport, co-pilot ? Co-Pilot: (peering out the window) I don't know... I see lights over there to the port. That's likely it. Bring 'er around and have a look. Pilot: (lurching plane hard to the left) Boy, I can't tell. I wish the company would buy us some instruments. Co-Pilot: (pulling compass from pocket) Oh, I've got my trusty compass and the sun went down about 20 minutes ago, so we've got to be on course. (Excited) Look, see that spot down there, that must be it. Pilot: Okay, here we go. Give me 20 degrees flaps, I'm going in. (Puts plane into a nose dive, sound effects.) Pilot: This is going to be tough. Give me more flaps, cut back the engines. (Louder) More flaps, less throttle ! Co-Pilot: (Appropriate actions and sounds, acting panicky.) Pilot: QUICK, cut the engines, give me brakes. MORE BRAKES ! Both: (Sighs of relief) We're down, we made it ! Pilot: Boy that was a short runway ! Co-Pilot: (Looking right, then left) Yep, and wide too !

All Face

An Indian and a white man are traveling together. It's cold and the white man is shivering. The white man is all bundled up and the Indian has very little on (i.e. pants, no shirt) and his blanket. The white man complains about the cold and doesn't understand why the Indian isn't. The white man asks the Indian how he stays so warm. The Indian asks if his face is cold. The white man says no it isn't. The Indian replies, "Me all face."

American Folk Tale Skit

Narrator: America's history is full of colorful characters. I'm sure you've heard of many that you couldn't even begin to count them. But we also know that much of our country's history wasn't written down until many years had passed. Memories fade as time goes by. Now...we're not calling our historians liars...but...things were not always the way they told us. Take, for instance, the burro express rider. Rider: (enters pulling the burro) "Come on Speedy, those Cub Scouts at Southside are waiting for their Male. Narrator: "Excuse me sir? Why do you call your burro Speedy? Rider: Why, this here is the fastest burro in the west. Narrator: "How fast is he?" Rider: "Why, he's so fast he can dance his shoes off! (Burro dances, and removes his shoes and tosses them into the crowd and they leave.) Narrator: And there's always the legend of Rip Van Winkle. It's really quite unlikely that he could sleep for forty whole years. Rip Van W.: (entering) Sleep? Did I hear someone mention sleep. Oh, I'd love to get some sleep! Narrator: Have a hard day Rip? Rip Van W.: Day, day he says! Days is more like it. Ever since those Cub Scouts came to town, I haven't slept a wink. Their Den Leaders keep knocking things over and tripping over things. And you should hear them laugh. Narrator: Poor Rip, I guess he could use forty years sleep now. Chef: (entering eating an ice cream cone, and looking over and under and around things, saying...."Nope, not here, etc. and "I know it's around here somewhere." Continuing to look.) Narrator: Boy that ice cream looks good. Where can I get some? Chef: Down the road at Custard's Last Stand. Narrator: What are you looking for? The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 3 -January 1997

Chef: A mine. Narrator: You mean the Lost Dutchman Mine? Chef: No the lost Italian Mine of course. I hear they have the greatest pizza. Narrator: There was a guy over there who was talking about pizza earlier. I think his name was Wild Bill.....(hiccup) Wild Bill........(hiccup).... Chef: Yeah, I know him, Wild Bill Hiccup - Hiccup...(leave the room)

The Ants

Characters: 6 to 8 Cub Scouts Props: Paper sacks Setting: Skit opens with boys standing together in a backyard. Cardboard cutout trees and bushes could be used. 1st Cub: Gee, there's nothing to do. 2nd Cub: Yeah, I know. 3rd Cub: Hey, let's have a backyard picnic. All: Yeah! 4th Cub: But it's going to rain. 1st Cub: I don't think so. If it does, we can eat in the house. 2nd Cub: I'll bring the potato chips. 3rd Cub: I'll bring the hot dogs. 4th Cub: I'll bring the hot dog buns. 5th Cub: I'll bring the drinks. 6th Cub: And I'll bring something special! (All walk offstage and come back carrying sacks) 2nd Cub: Here are the chips. 3rd Cub: Here are the hot dogs. 4th Cub: Here are the hot dog buns. 5th Cub: Here are the drinks. 6th Cub: (Drops his sack) Oh, no! 5th Cub: What's wrong? 6th Cub: I brought the ants!!

Artistic Genius

The scene is an art show where judges are inspecting several canvases are displayed. They comment on the brightness, color, technique, that is used on the different pictures. They select one for the prize and comment additionally on the genius, imagination, and the beauty of the picture. The artist is called up and the winning picture is shown to him. The painter exclaims, "Oh, my goodness, that got in by mistake. That's the canvas that I clean my brushes on.

The Great Aug

Important Guy: "OK, Aug, I want you to sell these pencils." Aug: "Pen-solls" Important Guy: "That's right, Aug. Now, when you see someone coming down the street, I want you to tell them what you're selling." Aug: "Pen-solls" Important Guy: "Yes, Aug. Be more enthusiastic about it!" Aug, waving his hands in the air: "Pen-Solls!!!" Important Guy: "Very good, Aug. Now, people will want to buy your pencils, and they'll ask how much they are. They come in $2, $5, and $10 packs. Got that?" Aug: "Pen-solls?" Important Guy: "No: Two, Five, Ten." Aug: "Two .. Five ... Ten!!!" Important Guy: "I think you've got that. Now Aug, one more thing. Someone might ask why they should buy your pencils. If they ask that, Aug, I want you to tell them this. 'If you don't, somebody else will'". Aug: "If you don't ... somebody else will!" Important Guy: "Very good. Now, get out there and sell pencils!" The important guy wanders offstage, and Aug wanders to the other side of the stage. A man on the street approaches Aug. Aug runs to him waving his hands. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 4 -January 1997

Aug, in his face: "Pen-Solls!!!" Man on street: "Hey, you're a real jerk! How many people have you done this to?" Aug: "Two, Five, Ten!" Man on steed: "You're really asking for a punch in the mouth, buddy." Aug: "If you don't .. somebody else will!" Man on street punches Aug, who falls flat, that's the end of the skit.

The Babies & Dads

Cast: Doctor, three Dads Setting: Hospital Doctor: Mr. Thompson, congratulations. You're the proud father of twins! Thompson: What a coincidence -- I come from Two Mountains! Later -Doctor: Mr. Smith, you now have triplets! Smith: That's quite astonishing! I come from Three Rivers! Third father faints; doctor revives him. Doctor: Mr. Smart -- what's wrong? Your wife hasn't even given birth yet! Smart: I come from Thousand Islands!

Backpacking

Two scouts lay down on sleeping bags on the stage. Two other scouts, pretending to be bikers "ride" over to one of the scouts who is on top of the bag and proceed to beat him up. They do anything they want to make it look like they have hurt him. They see him moving and "ride" off. The scout who just got beat up turns to his buddy and says, "Two bikers just came through the woods and beat me up." His buddy turns to him and says, "It was just a dream, go back to sleep." This happens two more times, with the bikers beating up the guy, but on the third time, something different happens. The guy who gets beat up turns to his buddy and tells him what happened again. This time his friend says, "Fine, if it will make you feel better, I'll switch places with you." Now the bikers come back and go up to the same sleeping bag again, and one turns to the other and says, "This guy's had enough, let's get the other guy." -- Thanks to Kevin Garibaldi

A Bad Turn

Akela: "Now, (Cubs name), you know you should always do Good Turns." 1st Cub: I tried, honest! Akela: OK Each Cub enters and says similar things to Akela Last Cub: (carrying a small frying pan with a "pancake" in it) I did a good turn! (flips pancake over and catches it in pan). But you should see the mess in the kitchen! (other Cubs look ashamed)

Balloon Orchestra

The players in the orchestra each hold a balloon. They blow up their balloons in unison, then let out the air in a squeak at a time to the rhythm of some easily recognized rhythm such as "Blue Danube" or "Jingle Bells". To end the skit all fill their balloons with air and let go at the directors signal.

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January 1997

The Baseball Game

This is great fun in warm weather at a campfire, and it takes a little practice for the perpetrators. There is plenty of room for variation, depending on what the Scouts can imagine and how the volunteers react at the time. As usual, the Scapegoat gets wet. Preparation You will need an Announcer and a Pitcher, but the Batters will be volunteers. The first Volunteer should be told what is happening ahead of time, so that his performance shows others how it's done. Set up a sheet a backdrop. Two Scouts hide behind it, one with a flashlight and the other with a bucket of water (but be sure that the audience does not see the bucket). The flashlight is held against the sheet to simulate the ball. The movement of the light is the key to the whole skit. A baseball bat or a thick stick is needed for the batter, and a baseball glove for the Pitcher. Use a roll of canvas and a stick (or something similar) to simulate the sound of the ball hitting the catcher's glove (done by a Scout behind the sheet). If it is dark, have two strong flashlights shining on the Pitcher and Batter. The Skit The Announcer comes on stage and tells the audience that there will be a baseball pitching demonstration. He introduces the Pitcher as the greatest pitcher of all time, who will show us his famous specialty pitches. After a buildup about how great the Pitcher is, the Announcer positions the Pitcher at one end of the sheet. The Announcer asks for members of the audience to volunteer to try to hit this famous pitcher's best pitches. The first volunteer is given the bat and placed at the other end of the sheet. The Announcer explains that the Pitcher will throw one pitch, and the Batter must do his best to hit the ball. The Pitcher winds up and pretends to throw, as the Announcer narrates ("He's set. He winds up. There's the pitch!" The Scout behind the screen moves his light rapidly down the sheet. The Announcer yells, "Fast ball!" The Batter swings hard. We hear the sound of the ball hitting the catcher's mitt. The Announcer says, "A strike! You're Out!" The Batter returns to his seat. Another Batter is recruited. This time the Announcer calls out a curve ball, which curves wildly across the sheet. The Batter is again called out. The process continues with a knuckleball and a screwball. Finally, the Announcer introduces the famous Pitcher's dreaded Secret Pitch. He asks for a special volunteer, of especially outstanding baseball ability and unusual courage, to try to hit this pitch. A Scapegoat is volunteered by the Announcer and encouraged to come up. The Batter is carefully placed, and the ball is pitched. As it comes to the Batter, the Announcer cries, "Watch out! It's a spitball!" His warning comes too late, as water cascades over the sheet onto the Batter.

Bear Hunt

A variation on A Talking Martian! and Saloon. Cast: Bear, two hunters Setting: The woods #1: (Whispering) Ah! There's a bear! I can shoot it and I'll have my take for the day! (Bang! And the bear falls down.) Well, I'll go get some rope to drag it. #2: No! It's mine! #1: Hey! I shot that bear myself. It's clearly mine. #2: Look. You couldn't have shot that bear if I didn't drive us here. #1: Well, I've got news for you. I just killed that bear. It's mine. #2: And another thing, ... The two continue arguing when all of a sudden, the bear rises, growls, and frightens the two hunters away.

Bee Sting

1st Scout 2nd Scout 1st Scout 2nd Scout 1st Scout "OOOOOUCH, OOOOOOH, OOOOOUCH" "What's the matter with you?" "A bee's stung my thumb!" "Try putting some cream on it then." "But the bee will be miles away by this time."

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January 1997

The Beer Commercial

Cast: Actor(s), Director, Cameraman, Others in a studio Setting: Studio Director: Okay, People! Let's get going! Cameraman: But Sir! Director: No interruptions! Action! Actor, speaking in a dull voice, does a commercial for Scout Beer, talking about its great taste, made from dishwater and leftover porridge, and lots of the special ingredient, "Hop to it," which the Scout leader often said, from Scout camp when ... Director: Cut! That sounded like you don't like the stuff! Sound sincere! Okay! Let's try it again! Cameraman: But Sir! Director: No buts! Action! Actor begins again, appropriately sincere, and there are the usual interruptions by the director, saying it's too fast, too slow, whispers into the actor's ear(who then checks his zipper) until finally, everything goes smoothly. All the while, the Cameraman keeps on interrupting the Director at the same time. Director: Cut! And Print! That was fantastic! Let's get out of here! Cameraman: But Sir! We don't have any film!

Bell Ringer #1

Props: Coat with football or wadded clothing under it for the Hunchback, hat or nightstick for Gendarme. Announcer: The Hunchback of Notre Dame has decided to retire, and has place an ad in the Paris Times for someone to come and learn how to ring the bells. Effects: (Knock, knock, knock) Hunchback: (Gravely voice) Oh, somebody must be here about my job. I'll go down and see. (Goes 'round and 'round the campfire, as if going down the bell tower, bent over due to hunch.) Effects : (Knock, knock, knock) Hunchback: (Angrily) I'm coming, I'm coming. There's a lot of stairs here. (Arrives at and opens the door.) Hunchback: Yeah ! What do you want ? Applicant: I'm here about the bell ringer's job. Hunchback: All right ! Come on up and I'll see if you can do the job. (Begins to go up (the other way around) followed by the applicant.) Applicant: Boy, the ceiling is not very high here, is it ? Hunchback: Listen, you go up and down these stairs 20 times a day for 45 years and you just learn to stay bent over. Hey, did you close that door, didn't you ? Applicant: I don't know. I don't remember. Hunchback: Well, we gotta go down and keep it locked, can't run up the church's fuel bill. (Both turn around and go back.) Hunchback: That's the first thing you gotta learn. Keep the door closed. Up and down these stairs, that's the hard part. (Arriving at door) O.K., so now you're here, close the door. Applicant: (Closes door) How are the benefits in this job ? Hunchback: (Both going back up) Well, it has it's ups and downs. The Church board will buy you ear plugs every six months and a new bottle of bell polish once a year (Finally arriving at the bell) All right, now you stand over there, and I'll show you how it's done. First you grab the bell here and push it out very hard (steps back and follows path of bell out and back) then the bell comes back on it's own. That's all there is to it. Do you think you can do that ? Applicant: Sure ! (does the action with the bell, but does not step back, is hit by bell and falls back, to the ground) Hunchback: Oh my gosh ! He's fallen 15 stories to the sidewalk. I'd better get down there. (Goes 'round and 'round until he reaches the ground) (Crowd enters mumbling, stops astonished at body) Gendarme : (Entering, calls to Hunchback) Hey you ! Do you know this guy ? (Rolls body over with foot) Hunchback: No, but his face sure rings a bell !

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January 1997

Bell Ringer # 2

(The trick with this skit is to do it the night after doing Bell Ringer #1, and to do everything exactly the same perhaps with a little more 'hamming it up') (When the Applicant arrives the Hunchback says:) Hunchback: You look just like the guy who was here yesterday. Applicant: Oh, that was my twin brother. (Revert to the original dialog again. The audience will think it's getting a re-run and prepare itself for a 'groaner' of a cheer. When they hear the ending, you'll get a great reaction.) (Carry on with dialog, except for the last line.) Hunchback: No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy who was here yesterday !

Bell Ringer # 3

(To be used ONLY when Bell Ringer #1 and #2 have been used.) Props: Rain slickers, blanket, and Gendarme gear from above. (Two players enter in rain slickers holding blanket between them like a jumping net. The jig and jog around the performing area.) Gendarme : (Entering) Hey, what are you guys doing ? Fireman #1: Well, the last two nights some guy has jumped out of that bell tower, and we came to catch him !

Be Prepared

First scout walks to center of stage, stands to attention, salutes and says, "BE PREPARED." This is repeated by three other scouts. When they are all standing side by side, a loud motor horn or explosion is let off behind the audience. The scouts then all say, 'WE TOLD YOU TO BE PREPARED'

The Best Spitter In The World

The key performer is the Catcher, who must wave around a can of water without spilling. He simulates the spit hitting the can by tapping on the can with his finger. He will need to practice so that he does not spill, does not show the audience that there is water in the can, and can be heard but not seen when he taps the can. The catcher sits quietly in the audience. The can of water is on the stage, but not obvious. A Scout loudly proclaims himself as The Best Spitter In The World. He boasts about his spitting ability, saying that he can spit farther than anyone else. Other Scouts, who have been planted at the back of the audience, challenge him to prove it, saying that they do not believe him. The audience takes up the cry. The Spitter agrees and asks for someone from the audience to catch for him, just to prove his ability. The Catcher volunteers, acting as if he expects to be the scapegoat. The Spitter explains that he will stand about 20 feet apart. He will spit, and the Catcher will catch the spit, just to prove the distance and accuracy. The Catcher reacts with horror, "I'm not going to touch your spit!" The Spitter is understanding, notices the can, and offers it as something to catch with. The Catcher agrees with obvious relief. They set up a short distance apart. The Spitter winds up and spits. The catcher reaches up and catches with a solid thump. The Spitter takes a bow, but the audience is not impressed. They say anyone can do that, do something harder. They back off and repeat the performance from a greater distance. Again, the audience yells at him. After several tries, the Spitter claims that he can spit all the way around the world! The audience reaction is predictable. They set up; the Spitter spits; the Catcher ducks, waits, moves the pan around, and catches it. Now the planted Scouts yell that the Spitter is a fake! They say that he couldn't really spit all around the world. The Spitter says, "Oh, yeah? Show them." The Catcher turns and throws the water into the crowd.

The Better Thief

Cast: 2 Scouts There are two scouts, they each say, "I'm the better thief." "No I'm the better thief." Then one says, "Wait, lets have a contest, we will walk past each other three times and who ever steals the best thing wins." The scouts then walk past each other twice pulling out objects such as knife, watch, glasses, etc. Finally on the third pass, the first scout says, "I've got your wallet, ha, beat that!" The second Scout looks around nervously then says, "You've got my wallet, well in that case you would win, but ... I've got you're underwear!" And waves a pair of shorts in the air. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 8 -January 1997

The Bicycle Shop

(The scene begins with three players on their hands and knees, in a row, as bicycles.) Shop Owner: Well, there we are, three brand new bicycles all set up for sale. Customer : (Entering) Hi. I'd like to buy a bicycle. Shop Owner: Sure thing. Why don't you try them on for size ? (Customer sits on the first bike and it falls down. The second is too big, while the third is too small.) Customer : I sure like the first one, let me try it again. Shop Owner: Why not ? (Setting up bike again) There you are, it's all set up again. (Customer sits on it, and again it falls down.) Customer : I don't know. I really like this one but it keeps falling down. I'm afraid it's not made well enough. Shop Owner: Our bicycles are all very well made. It was just assembled this morning, and it may need a little adjustment. Let me get some help. (A volunteer is chosen from the audience, who is instructed to hold one 'wheel' of the now upright bicycle.) Customer : (Sitting on the bike) That's perfect now. What was the problem ? Shop Owner: Oh, we just need a big nut to hold it together !

Big Game Hunting

Two to four hunters talking together each says that he is packing a heavier and more powerful gun to shoot with. The first starts out with a small handgun and the last ending up with a very powerful rifle, shotgun, whatever. Two others come over who have overheard the hunter and want to settle a bet. Are the hunters going after wolves or moose. One of the hunters relies," "Why no, we are going after mosquitoes!!"

Big Itch

Cast: Guy, 4 People on lunch break Setting: Park Bench Guy is sitting on park bench. Guy: I'm waiting for my girlfriend. I hope she comes soon. (Luncher #1 sits on bench and moves him over. #2 sits on end and they move over, further pushing guy. #3 comes, and #4 comes, each in turn pushing the guy a little until he falls off. Really annoyed, he starts to scratch himself a little, then a little more then all over. Lunchers look at each other, start scratching a little bit then hurriedly leave.) Guy: (Sitting on bench again) Works all the time!

The Bigger Jerk

A simple, one person skit that is great for those loose moments in a campfire. Cast: 1 Person, log (or imaginary mower), "Volunteer," Victim Person: (Groans and grunts as he's bent over carrying "heavy" mower.) Uhh. (Lets it down.) These old models, I tell you. They are so heavy, and they don't work well. Maybe I should buy a new mower this week. Well, let's get going. (Pulls rip cord to start, but it won't start. Makes appropriate sputtering noises. Tries again and again. Maybe get a "volunteer" to help. Again, no success. Get your victim to try, and on first try, it sputters to great life!) I guess it just needed a bigger jerk!

The Biggest Turkey

An alternate ending follows the regular skit. Cast: Box or suitable covering, Person in Box, Announcer, Victim, regular and serving spoons, stick and log, paper and book, rubber chicken, small cue card Setting: Circus, Boardwalk, Technology Show Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! To demonstrate my enlarging machine, I will need a volunteer! (Get your victim.) I need you to help me while I explain what is going on. Now, look at what this machine can do! Please, will you put this spoon into the machine? (He does, and out comes the serving spoon, noises.) Isn't that amazing, ladies and gentlemen! Now watch. (Victim puts in stick, and log comes out.) My goodness, something to heat your home with! This is amazing! And please put in this piece of paper. (Book comes out.) Even I am amazed! (Finally, chicken is put in, and say you expect a turkey to come out. But cue card comes out.) This is amazing! The machine says that the biggest turkey of them all is right here!

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January 1997

An alternate ending is to complain about how slowly the machine is working, and it needs to be washed. The operator throws a small cup of water on the side, and a moment later a large bucket of water hits him.

Black Bart

There are several Black Bart skits, all revolving around the basic plot of the hero chasing Black Bart. The hero and BB come face to face. BB is cornered, building up the tension. Destroy it with the anticlimactic line of: "You get the ping pong ball and I'll get the paddles and I'll meet you in five minutes." Or "Oh, all right, Black Bart, you use that one and I'll use the one upstairs." Use the latter one when BB is trapped in some room.

The Blanket Tossing Team

This takes about six guys, who form a circle around an invisible blanket, with a small invisible guy (Bruce) who sits in the middle of the invisible blanket and gets tossed. "We're an Olympic blanket tossing team, and Bruce in the middle here is our star blanket bouncer. We'll toss Bruce a bit just to warm up. One, two, three! One, two, three! One, two, three!" On three each time, the team lets the pretend blanket go slack, then pull it taught. They watch the invisible Bruce go up in the air, then come down, and the gently catch him again in the blanket. Each time they toss him higher. The team has to be in sync, and they have to watch about the same spot -- the easiest way to do this is to have everyone just imitate the leader, who is the speaker. "OK, we're all limbered up now?" The team murmurs in agreement. "Then let's toss Bruce a bit higher. One, two, three!" Bruce comes up, and the team adjusts their position a bit to catch him as he comes down. "One, two, three!" This wait about ten seconds, and move quite a bit to get under him. Move this way and that before finally catching him. "One, two, three!" twenty seconds this time, almost lose track of him, adjust the position here, there, and here again. "What? What's that you say, Bruce?" pause "Audience, you are in luck! Bruce wants to go for the world record blanket toss! Ready team? One! Two! Thu-reee!!!" A mighty toss! The team shifts positions, like trying to catch a high fly ball. "There he goes! He's past the trees! He's really up there!" pause, looking hard into the sky "Do you see him? I've lost him. Where'd he go?" another pause "Oh well." The team leaves the stage, and the program continues. After another skit and song, and preferably in the middle of awards or announcements of some sort, "Bruce! Quick team!" The blanket tossing team runs back on stage, positions themselves this way and that, and catches Bruce. "Let's have a big hand for Bruce! Yay!!!"

Blindfold

Recruit three or four volunteers and blindfold each one. Have the volunteers stand in front of the audience and instruct them to take off anything they have on. The smart ones will remove their blindfold, but those caught up in the joke will continue to remove items. Continue with those remaining one item at a time, until it borders on indecency. Then remove the blindfold and let them in on the joke.

Bonfire

A leader begins to explain how to lay a campfire. The leader decides to use members of the audience to represent different pieces of wood. The bonfire builders bring up various volunteers. Some of the volunteers are bunched in the center for tinder with others placed for kindling with the "big" logs stacked on top of each other in increasing larger sizes. The leader then says that the fire is ready to light, strikes a match, whereupon, several accomplices yell out that its ON FIRE and dash several buckets of water on the fire.

Border Crossing

A variation on The Ghost of Midnight and The Ghost With One Black Eye. Cast: Border Guard, Supervisor, Several Crossers, 2 Brooms Guard: Hi, Boss! I'm new here! What do I do? Supervisor: Well, you have to make sure that people don't try to cross the border without stopping first. You can shoot at them if you have to. Guard: With what? Supervisor: Well, we're out of guns, so here's a broom. People won't know the difference if you just go Bang! Bang! Bang! Guard: OK. (He goes to the side, and someone tries to cross without stopping, so he shoots at him. The crosser falls.) Boss! Boss! It worked! Supervisor: See? I told you. Now whenever it doesn't work, here's a pretend bayonet. If they don't fall from the fake gun, you can always try stabbing them. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 10 -January 1997

Guard: OK. (He goes to the side, and someone tries to cross without stopping, so he shoots at him. It doesn't work, so he tries stabbing him. The crosser falls.) Boss! Boss! It worked! Supervisor: See? I told you. Now go to work and don't stop until your shift is finished. Guard: OK. (He goes to the side, and someone tries to cross without stopping, so he shoots at him. It doesn't work, so he tries stabbing him. It doesn't work either.) Boss! Boss! What do I do? Before boss answers, crosser points a broom at the guard and goes Bang! Bang! Bang! and the guard falls.

Brain Shop

Cast: Customer, Shopkeeper Setting: Brain Shop Customer: Hi! I'm bored with myself. I'd like to buy a new brain and have an all new personality. Shopkeeper: (In one of those evil, horror movie voices) Ahh, yes. Well, I can sell you this brain from Billy Crystal for $5000. Here. Try it. ("Unscrews" head and plops in pretend brain.) How do you feel? Customer: (In Billy Crystal style voice) Marvelous. I ... feel ... marrrvelous. But I don't think it's me. Can I try another? Shopkeeper: Okay. Let me see. (Rummages around.) Let's try this one. It's the brain from Captain Kirk. Only $5000. Customer: (In Kirk voice) Scotty ... Can you fix those transporters? No, a bit too famous for me. Shopkeeper: Sure. I'll go out back. (Rummages around in back of store.) Here's one from Ronald Reagan. It only costs $5000. How do you feel? Customer: (In Ronald Reagan style voice) Wellll ... Bonzo, stop that ... I think that this one's still a bit too famous for me. Shopkeeper: Hmmmm. A tough customer. I'll have to go down to the basement. I'll be back. (Customer comments on the kind of brains he has gotten and what kind he'll get next.) Ahhh, here we are. The best in the house, not famous at all. I guarantee you'll love it. Only $15000. (Yes ... $15000.) Customer: (Imitates a leader in the crowd for some notorious act, such as putting up the sign and calling out "PACK!" or admonishing the kids or doing a famous routine or the like.) Hmmm ... this is good. But I recognize it. No, wait ... it's (Insert name of person.) I love it! But tell me ... the brains of those three famous people only cost $5000 apiece. This one, however, comes from a virtually unknown, unimportant person. Why does it cost $15000? Shopkeeper: Well, it's never been used!

Brain Transplant

A group Scout goes to a new Scientific Laboratory where they have developed a new process for brain transplants. The Scouts asks to see the selection of brains. The doctor shows them a selection. (the brains may be in cans, where they look in it). The first one is marked $500.00. The scouts ask about it and are told it is the brain from a peddler. The next $1,000.00,-a policeman, 1,500.00 - a teacher, etc up to $5,000.00 for the brain of the greatest physicist in the world. The Scouts then see a container marked, $20,000.00 and ask about it. The doctor explains "It is the brain from ____________ (DE Camp Director or Leader) and has never been used!

The Briefcase

Scene: A person standing on a stage reciting a long story (or some other activity). A second person will enter at various stages and interrupt him, after which the story teller starts again. The second person will need the following props: A briefcase, and a step ladder. 1. Person 2 walks on with a briefcase. First person asks him what he's doing. Reply: "I'm taking my case to court". Walks off. 2. Enters again with a step ladder. Same as before, this time replying: "I'm taking my case to a higher court" 3. This time, person two places the hands of the story teller in front of him, and puts his case on them. "I rest my case" (This one works best when the story teller doesn't know about it). 4. Final entry, without a case: "I lost my case" This can of course be expanded. Seen in a variety show with many other things happening (mostly knockknock jokes) in turn. Can be good when done properly.

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January 1997

A Brotherhood of Scouting

This skit has a Brotherhood theme, and is well-suited to the older sections (Scouts and higher) and leaders, particularly in an all-sections campfire. It is best presented near the end of the campfire, when things are winding down (and the children have settled down). People required for the Skit: 6 Cast: Old Man with a Staff Spirit of the Beaver Spirit of the Wolf Cub Spirit of the Scout Spirit of adventure Spirit of the Rover (fewer people may be used by doubling up on roles) Skit Setup: Index cards can be used by the Spirits if there isn't time to memorize each role. (Small Flashlight recommended!) The Old Man is inside the campfire circle, walking slowly with his staff. He is slightly hunched over with age and leans on the staff heavily. The Scouting Spirits are evenly spaced outside the campfire circle, just far enough back not to be seen. (They should speak loud and clearly). NOTE: When the Old Man stops each time and looks into the fire, there should be 2-3 seconds of silence before the Spirits speak. (The memories that the Old Man says aloud should be specific to the group, so they have relevance to the audience and can feel the full impact of the skit. Consult with other leaders/ youth for ideas.) The Skit: OLD MAN (Shuffling slowly around the campfire). "My life has been long, too long, and my Scouting years are behind me. My friends are all gone and I am going to die alone. Old and Alone." (Stops and stares into the fire) ALL SPIRITS: "SHARING" SPIRIT OF THE BEAVER: "I am the Spirit of the Beaver. When you were young, I taught you Sharing and Caring for the World." OLD MAN (Resumes shuffling slowly around the campfire). <Beaver Memory> e.g. "Beavers. I remember Beavers. Riverbanks and the Beaver Pond, making crafts to take home to Mom..." <etc.> (The Old Man stops again and stares into the fire.) ALL SPIRITS: "A-Ke-Lah" SPIRIT OF THE WOLF CUB: "I am the Spirit of the Wolf Cub. I taught you to do your best, I led your Pack through the forest and you lived by My Law." OLD MAN (Resumes shuffling around the campfire). <Cub Memory> e.g. "Cubs. I remember Cubs. Hot Dog roasts in the bush, my first real camp-out, and of course the Kub Kar races..." <etc>. (The Old Man stops again and stares into the fire.) ALL SPIRITS: "On My Honor" SPIRIT OF THE SCOUT: "I am the Spirit of the Scout. I taught you knots and how to camp without a trace, and together we explored the land." OLD MAN (Resumes shuffling around the circle). <Scout Memory> e.g. "Scouts. I remember Scouts. Long hikes and long camps, breaking lake ice for water in the winter. And then there was Jamboree..." <etc.> (Stops and stares into the fire.) ALL SPIRITS: "Challenge" SPIRIT OF ADVENTURE: "I am the Spirit of adVenture. I taught you leadership and set you free, to test your limits to the skies." OLD MAN (Resumes shuffling around the fire). <Venturer Memory> e.g. "Oh, yes, Venturers. Attending Jamboree as a Hikemaster, leading people from around the world into the Rockies. Getting my drivers license and trying to date Rangers..." <etc.> (Stops and stares into the fire) ALL SPIRITS: "Service" SPIRIT OF THE ROVER: "I am the Spirit of the Rover. I led you to adulthood and self-destiny. We chose to give back the love we were given through Service." OLD MAN (Resumes shuffling). <Rover Memory> e.g. "Rovers. I could never forget Rovers. Helping out at Dream-On, putting on District campfires. And then there were the Moots and Road trips. And camps, camps, camps." (Slows down and begins to sink to the ground. He is dying.) ALL SPIRITS (Walk straight into the campfire circle from where they stand, if possible. They should all arrive at the Old Man's body at the same time. Wait a moment or two.) The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 12 -January 1997

"We are the brotherhood of Scouting". <Each section says its name in order - BEAVERS, CUBS, SCOUTS, VENTURERS, ROVERS.> "If you grow up with Scouting you are NEVER alone." -- Thanks to Gary Nelson

The Bubble Gum on the Street

One of those skits Cubs just love and laugh at. Cast: Kid, Dog, Basketball Player, Car, Jogger and Old Man Setting: City Street Kid: Blowing bubbles is just great. Watch. (Blows imaginary bubble; it pops and lands somewhere on the ground.) Hmm. Where did it go? I should look for it. (Goes around and exits, still looking for it.) Enter dog, who stops, sniffs at gum, pees on it, and exits. Basketball player is dribbling ball when it gets stuck on the gum -- he tries to loosen it and finally does. Car drives right over it. Jogger goes by, his foot gets stuck on it; old man comes by and his cane gets stuck on it. Finally, Kid comes back. Kid: Ahh! There's my piece of gum! (Picks it up, pops it in his mouth and continues chewing.)

The Bubble Gum in the Studios

A quick, 2-person skit you can use to fill a moment when a six or patrol isn't ready (but should be.) Cast: Announcer, Boy Setting: Stage Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the world famous WHEEL OF FISH! (Boy comes crawling onto stage.) I say, young man, what are you doing down there? Boy: (Looking up) I'm looking for my bubble gum! Announcer: Well, where did you lose it? Boy: Backstage! Announcer: Then why look here? Boy: The lighting is better here!

Buffalo Stories

These are a variation of the popular elephant jokes. They can be set up with two boys for each "joke". Cub 1: How can you tell if a buffalo is under your bedroll? Cub 2: The ceiling of your tent is very close. Cub 3: Did you know buffaloes are originally from Italy? Cub 4: You mean like in the song " Oh where is the home for the buffaloes -- Rome! Cub 5: What do you find between the hooves of buffaloes? Cub 6: Slow buffalo hunters. Cub 7: What do you get when you cross peanut butter with a buffalo? Cub 8: You either get peanut butter that roams the range or a buffalo that sticks to the roof of your mouth. Cub 9: How can you tell a buffalo from a field mouse? Cub 10: Try to pick it up. If you can't, it's either a buffalo or a very overweight mouse. Cub 11: How can you tell a buffalo has been in the refrigerator? Cub 12: His hoof prints are in the jello. Cub 13: How can you tell when there are two buffaloes in your refrigerator? Cub 14: You can't shut the door.

Bus Driver

Cast: Several Passengers, Bus Driver, "Stinky" Setting: Bus Bus driver drives the bus along the route, and at each stop, more and more people get off the bus, holding their noses, telling the driver to hurry up, pushing against each other, running off the bus, until finally only Stinky and the Driver are left on the bus.

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January 1997

Driver: (Talking to Stinky) Hey! All my passengers left. You know anything about it? (Smells something awful.) Hmm. Something smells -- it must be you. Did you wash this morning? Stinky: Yes. Driver: Hmm. Deodorant? Stinky: Yes. Driver: Hmm. Clean shirt? Stinky: Yes. Driver: Clean underwear? Stinky: Yes. Driver: Change your socks? Stinky: Sure! Here are the old ones!

C.P.R.

The first Scout comes out walking around, he suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. Two other scouts come in talking about just completing their first aid merit badge and find the scout on the ground. They rush to his aid and begin C.P.R.. Adjust head, listen, feel for pulse and then begin (fake) compressions. The other scout counts. After about 3 sets, the other scout yells "switch". Suddenly the scout on the ground gets up, one of the two scouts lies down, and they begin again to administer C.P.R.

Camel Patrol

A Scout dressed in a turban enters the campfire circle. He places a blanket on the ground, kneels and begins to pry. He prays by bowing down and with his arms out-stretched, he chant "Oh Allah, bring me a camel." Repeat a number of times, and then he looks under the blanket. He shakes his head sadly and asks for a volunteer to help him. The two kneel and pray to Allah for a camel. Again the first scout looks under the blanket and finds nothing. He continues to recruit volunteers two or three at a time, each time praying for a camel. (if the volunteers are not really helping then egg them on.) When there is no more room on the blanket for volunteers the first scouts stand and says: "Allah hasn't sent me a camel, but he has sent me a lot of silly jackasses!"

Camp Coffee Sketch

Props: A large cooking pot and mugs for actors 1st Scout- (Walks to pot carrying his mug. camp coffee is getting worse". 2nd Scout- (Walks to pot carrying his mug. camp tea is getting worse". 3rd Scout- (Walks to pot carrying his mug. camp hot chocolate is getting worse". 4th Scout- (Walks up to pot, dips his hands says) "I thought that would get them clean!" He dips his mug in and brings it up to his lips for a drink) "This He dips his mug in and brings it up to his lips for a drink) "This He dips his mug in and brings it up to his lips for a drink) "This in and takes out a pair of wet socks. As he wrings them out he

Can You Do This?

Cast: 2 People, campfire blanket Have one person lie down on his back and the other kneel directly over him. The top person wears the campfire blanket so as to hide his legs and expose the legs of the person lying down, to create the effect of it being one person sitting down. Person: Hi there! Welcome to Don's House of Fine Exercises and Sports Medicine. Today I'm going to ask you about your regular stretching routine. Can you do this? (Lifts up a leg so that it's parallel with the chest.) Or this? (Lifts other leg.) And how about this? (Crosses the legs.) This is an unusual one. Can you do it? (Brings feet around the neck.) And let's not forget this one. Can you do it? (Stretches out the legs in spread eagle fashion in the air.) (Elicit a no answer from a volunteer.) Well, neither can I! (Stands up.)

The Candy Shop

Ask for two volunteers, who just stand there in the candy shop. A customer comes in and asks for chocolate covered cherries. Sorry, no chocolate covered cherries. Peanut brittle? Sorry, just sold our last peanut brittle. Toffee. You must have toffee. Um, well, not today. Licorice? Fresh out of licorice. Well, what do you have? "Well, all we've got are these two suckers." -- Thanks to Bob Jenkins

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January 1997

The Candy Store

This one can be really hammed up and included the kid walking up in a dance kind of way and the old storekeeper, being old, very laboriously climbing up a ladder, getting the candy jar, coming down, counting out the candies, and so on. Cast: Old storekeeper, very young kid (4 years old) Setting: A Candy Store Kid: (Kid walks up to storekeeper and asks) I want five of those penny candies way up at the top. Storekeeper: You mean those penny candies, way, way, waaaaaayy up top? Kid: Yes, please. Storekeeper: Sigh! (Kid takes innocent pleasure in watching the storekeeper go up.) Storekeeper climbs up and get him five candies, and receives the five cents. This scene repeats itself several times over 3 more days, with the storekeeper being more and more tired each time and becoming equally more frustrated until, Storekeeper: Oh! I see that kid coming. I know what he's coming to get, so I'll climb up now to get the candies before he comes in and have it ready for him. (Kid walks in.) I bet I know what you want. I bet you want five of the penny candies from way up top, right? Kid: Nope! Not today! Storekeeper: Sigh! Now I have to climb back up to put them away. (He climbs up, puts them away, then comes down.) Now, sonny, what would you like today? Kid: I would like three of those penny candies way up at the top!

Candy Store

The leader gives instructions for playing candy store. He asks that one person take a long string and hold on and then adds others until there is a long line of people holding onto the string. Then the leader explains that this is a candy store because there are some suckers hanging on the line.

Candy Store (variation)

A candy store owner enters carrying a long pole. He asks two members of the audience to hold the pole, draping a blanket or sheet over it, explaining that this is the candy store. One by one customers come in asking for different types of candy, to each, the owner replies that he doesn't have any. Finally, a customer asks what he does have. The owner states he doesn't have any candy left except for these two suckers on a stick, pulling the blanket away at the same time.

Change Underwear

Have the boys march in, single file, with one boy leading them like a drill sergeant. The sergeant tells them to stop and addresses them. He tells them he has some good news and some bad news. The good news is that they get a change of underwear. The boys cheer and he cuts them off. The bad news is that they have to change underwear with one another. The boys groan.

Chewing Gum

You will need: 5 Cub Scouts, props should include a lamppost, park bench, tree. Scene: Park area, Cub Scouts walk on one at a time. This is a pantomime skit and is great to use with younger Cub Scouts and shy boys. One CUB walks on stage chewing imaginary gum (use exaggerated motions- chewing, blowing bubbles, pulling gum out of mouth, putting it back in), leans against lamppost for a bit, takes gum out of his mouth and sticks it to the lamppost. He then walks off stage. Second CUB comes on stage, leans against lamppost, feels gum stick, pulls the gum off and sticks gum to bench. Second CUB exits. Third CUB enters and sits on bench. Notice gum, pulls it off himself and throws it to the ground. Fourth CUB walks on stage, steps in gum, removes gum from shoe and sticks it to tree. Exits. Fifth CUB enters, leans against tree and finds gum. Removes gum from tree and sticks it on the lamppost. First CUB enters again. Walks up to lamppost, finds gum and sticks it back in his mouth. Walks off stage chewing gum.

Chief Shortcake

Pick a "volunteer" to be the dead Chief Shortcake (adult leader) and have him lie down covering with a towel/sheet except for his head. Have each boy repeat a line on what to do with Chief Shortcake such as: The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 15 -January 1997

burying the Chief with all his worldly possessions, should be burned in a great ceremonial fire, put in a cave and seal him up, and so on for as many as you need. The last Indian says that they are all wrong, "I bury Shortcake" and squirts whipped cream on Chief Shortcake's face.

Chin Faces

Performers arrange themselves with their heads hanging upside down over the edge of a table with a sheet or other drape covering their body with holes cut out exposing their mouth and chin. Place sunglasses just below the chin in front of the neck for "eyes." The chin becomes the nose, the mouth is the mouth - but upside down, so to smile you need to actually frown. The "chin face" makes a short silly speech or sings a harmonious song. Several "chin faces" in a row can form a singing group or mime a recording. Variation: Have the "chin face" be a chicken instead of a person.

Climb That

Two Scouts meet, and the first scout begins to brag he can climb anything. Scout 1: "Can you climb that tree?" Scout 2 "Sure I've done it lots of times." Scout 1 "Can you climb the steep hill over there?" Scout 2 "No sweat, no problem for me." Scout 1 "How about the Empire State Building?" Scout 2 "Done it, Did it." Scout 1 "How about Mount Everest?" Scout 2 "Boy that was I cold day, I've done that too. I told you I am the world's greatest climber, I can climb anything!" Scout 1 "I'll bet you ten bucks I can show you something that you can't climb." Scout 2 "Your on!" Scout 1 pulls out a flashlight and shine the beam up into the sky "all right climb that!" Scout 2 "Are you crazy? No Way!" Scout 1 "I knew you would back out, now pay up!" Scout 2 "I won't pay because its not fair. I know you, I'd start climbing and I'd get half way and you'd turn the flashlight off!"

The Compass

Props: A good compass and a map Announcer: In this scene, we see a Scoutmaster teaching a Patrol about maps and compass.

Scoutmaster: Now fellows, if you take a bearing from the map this way you can now stand up and, keeping the compass away from your belt buckle, walk along the bearing until you reach your destination. John, you try that. John : (Does as instructed, exits, re-enters) Scoutmaster: (Standing) In the same way you can take a bearing on a distant object, and use that to find where you are on the map. Now, each of you take a bearing on that big tree on the hill top. Other boys : (Do as instructed, passing compass around, making suitable comments.) Scoutmaster: (After a few moments) All right, let's all gather around. That wraps up tonight's compass lesson. There is just one more important point ! Never, never buy a TATES compass. Tom : Scouter, why should we never buy a TATES compass ? Scoutmaster: You know the old saying: "He who has a TATES is lost!"

The Complaining Monk

"I got this one off of my Part II Scouts. The Trainers did a wonderful job of it and at the blessing just before the monk says his two words, the Abbot would say, in the typical chant tune, "My father plays Dominoes better than your father does..." which was of course hilarious. Having, by pure coincidence, a monk suit with me at the time, my patrol did a skit the following night ("What the heck was that!") that incorporated a monk that chanted, "My father plays Dominoes better than those two guys from last night..." It of course brought the house down. Too bad our punch line not only was nowhere near good enough a line to follow up but was also screwed up." Author Cast: Monk, Abbot, narrator Scene: Abbot's office Narrator: This skit is about the monks in a monastery who are only allowed to speak two words every ten years. Our friendly monk is about to come in and say his two words, after ten long years of silence. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 16 -January 1997

Abbot: (Chants some blessing, then,) Yes, my son, what do you wish to say? Monk: Bad food! Narrator: Well, ten years have gone by, and of course our friendly monk's time has come again to say his two words. He of course is not quite as young as he used to be, and walks a touch more slowly. Abbot: (Chants some blessing, then,) Yes, my son, what do you wish to say? Monk: Uncomfortable bed! Narrator: Well, yet another ten years have gone by, and of course our friendly monk's time has come again to say his two words. He is really old at this point, having been at the monastery for thirty, long, devoted years. Abbot: (Chants some blessing, then,) Yes, my son, what do you wish to say? Monk: I quit! Abbot: I'm not surprised! You've been here for thirty years and all you've done is complain!

Contagious Disease Ward

The scene takes place in the waiting room of a doctor of contagious and communicable diseases, Dr. Ringworm, M.D., L.S.D., V.I.P., L.C.B. Have four chairs and a stand for magazines or books. In walks a fellow (a) with an itch which he scratches periodically in different places. He grabs a magazine and attempts to read but is disturbs periodically by his itch. After a while , a second fellow (B) comes in with a serious hand twitch. B sits next to A. B gradually starts to scratch with the itch, while A's hand starts to twitch. When it has been well established that they have contracted each others' disease, a third person enters with a serious leg twitch. Pretty soon all three have the hand twitch, leg twitch, and itch all over. a fourth guy comes in bouncing all over the place and shaking every muscle in his body. The actions of the four guys become more frantic and are bouncing around in their chairs. Then a boy dressed like a pregnant lady strolls in casually and the other four scramble for their lives. If possible or desired have some jazz music playing in the background for the scouts with the diseases to keep the beat to.

Court Case

Second person walks in with a suitcase. First person already on stage asks where he is going and the first person's reply is that he is going to court. A little while later he comes in with the case and also a ladder. This time he says that he taking his case to a higher court.

Court Scene

Guy brought in - "I'm Innocent! I was just picking up pebbles on the beach!" Two or more with similar stories. Last person comes on stage either dressed like a guy dressed like a girl or a girl, saying, "Hi, I'm Pebbles", in an alluring manner.

Crazy Charlie

The scene is set up so that Crazy Charlie is portrayed as being in a mental institution. It's dinner time and before he can ask for anyone to pass the meat, someone calls out 37 and the room bursts into laughter. Moments later 57 is called out and more laughter results. Crazy Charlie asks the guy next to him what is going on. He is told that everyone knows each others jokes so well that they have numbered the jokes. After a while Charlie decides to give it a trial and call 52, but no one laughs; there is complete silence. Charlie asks his friend what is wrong. He friend tells him not to worry that there isn't anything wrong, some people can tell jokes and some people can't.

Cub Cookout

Characters: Several Cubs around fake campfire pretending to cook hot dogs on sticks. Two Cubs dressed as mosquitoes--antennae, wings etc. Setting: Boys around fire keep slapping as if they are being attacked by mosquitoes throughout the skit. As the scene opens, the two mosquitoes enter the stage and continue walking randomly around the boys as they deliver their lines. Mosquito #1: Hey, I got a good one! Which sport do we mosquitoes like best? Mosquito #2: Easy! Skin diving. Say, did you hear what the Cub Scout said to the mosquito. Mosquito #1: No, what? Mosquito #2: Don't bug me! Mosquito #1: Are you related to any of the bugs around here? Mosquito #2: Sure. My ant.

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January 1997

Mosquito #1: Did you hear what the mother grasshopper said to her children? Mosquito #2: No -- tell me. Mosquito #1: Hop to it! Cub #1: These mosquitoes are awful! Lucky I brought the insect repellent. (Mosquitoes exit quickly -- choking and gagging.) Cub #2: (To cub #1) Say, what has 18 feet, red eyes, and long claws. Cub #1: I don't know. Cub #2: Neither do I, but it's crawling up your neck. (All boys run screaming from stage.) (Pretends to spray air.)

Cub Olympics

Characters: TV reporter, 4 Cub athletes getting ready for the Cub Olympics. Props: Frisbee for discuss, pile for javelin, bag of cookies, toothbrush and basin of water on stand, fake mike for reporter (can be dressed in suit jacket and have ID for his station on his lapel in large letters) TV reporter: We're here today to interview the athletes at Pack _____ as they prepare for the challenge of this years Cub Olympics. As you can imagine, it takes months of training and hard work to get these athletes ready to compete. Let's see how they are preparing themselves for the big competition. (turns to Cub #1 with microphone) Tell me, how are you getting ready for your event in the Olympics? Cub #1: I'm practicing my throw for the discus event. (demonstrates how to throw discus using Frisbee) TV reporter: Great form! (turns to Cub #2) and you -- can you tell us how you are preparing to compete? Cub #2: I'm polishing my javelin for the javelin throw (polishes pole with a rag.) TV reporter: Good luck! (turns to Cub #3) What are you doing today? Cub #3: I'm practicing for the standing broad jump. (does a couple of practice jumps) TV reporter: Fine! (turns to Cub #4) And what are you doing to train for the Olympics? Cub #4: I'm brushing my teeth! (uses basin of water and toothbrush --pretends to brush teeth) TV reporter: Brushing your teeth! What Olympic event could you possibly be training for? Cub #4: I'm training for the International Olympic Cookie - Eating event! (pulls out bag of cookies and stuffs some in his mouth.)

Cub Scout Socks

Characters: Den leader, 3 Cub Scouts Props: A pile of socks on a table. Den leader sits behind table. Den leader: Boys, I'm pleased to announce that our new Cub Scout socks have arrived! Please step up for your supply of clean socks. Cub #1: I need four pair. Den leader: What do you need 4 pair for? Cub #1: I need them for Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. Den leader: O.K. Here are your socks. Next please. Cub #2: I need seven pair. Den leader: What do you need seven pair for? Cub #2: For Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Den leader: O.K. here are your socks. Cub #3: I need 12 pairs. Den leader: Wow, you must really be a clean guy! So why do you need 12 pair? Cub #3: Well, there's January, February, March, April...etc.

Cub Shop

Cast: 4 Shoppers, Storekeeper, Kid (in underwear, or nightgown), full uniform Setting: Store

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January 1997

#1: I'd like to buy the Cub Shirt. Storekeeper: Sure. One moment, please. (You hear the kid struggling with the keeper in the background "No, you can't have it!") (Comes back with a shirt.) #2: I'd like to buy the accessories to the Cub Uniform. Storekeeper: Sure. One moment, please. (You hear the kid struggling with the keeper in the background "No, you can't have them!") (Comes back with accessories.) #3: I'd like to buy the pants to go with the Cub Uniform. Storekeeper: Sure. One moment, please. (You hear the kid struggling with the keeper in the background "No, you can't have them!") (Comes back with pants.) #4: I'd like to buy the right kind of shoes for the Cub Uniform. Storekeeper: Sure. One moment, please. (You hear the kid struggling with the keeper in the background "No, you can't have them!") (Comes back with shoes.) Kid: (Comes running out in underwear/swim suit) How am I supposed to go to Cubs without my uniform?

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Damn! (or should I say Darn?)

Cast: Director, 2 Workers, Cameraman, Clapperman, Light Man, Soap Setting: On the Setting of a Movie Director: Okay, people! Remember what I said about the language! Action! Clapperman: Scene 5, Take 1! Worker 1: (Eating lunch with #2) You know, Gerry, the wife is always nagging me for some more money. And I just don't have it. Gerry: I know what you mean. The (DARN) kids are always ... Director: Cut! What did I say about the language? You know the rules ... soap in the mouth. (Pantomime director washing out Gerry's mouth with soap.) Okay, let's try that one again. And watch the language! Continues the same way, but each time something happens where a different person says "Darn" -clapperman gets fingers caught in clapper (don't do the whole scene over again, of course,) cameraman trips while filming, light person drops light, #1 says "the darn wife ..." Finally, the director is about to start the scene again when he looks at his watch. Director: Oh darn. Look at the time ... Cast & Crew: Cut! You know the rules ... (Pantomime washing out mouth with soap)

Dancing Knee Dolls

Paint faces on the knees of the performers. Use dresses (or pants and shirt) to dress the legs as dolls with the arms bulging out. The clothes can be made out of crepe paper, cloth, or real clothing. Cover the upper legs and body with a sheet. Direct a flashlight (spot) onto each knee.

The Dangerous Tent

Cast: 2 guys, 2 bikers Setting: Campground #1: Well, time to go to bed. AND I GET THE TENT! (Beats up little guy.) #2: But... Oh well, it's no use. (He sets up his sleeping bag under the stars.) Bikers: (Make motorcycle noises & come in.) Ha! Ha! Let's beat up this guy! (They beat up little guy.) Next morning, #2: Hey! Last night some bikers came here and beat me up! #1: You're just jealous that I took the tent. Be a man. The next night and morning, the same routine occurs, with the little guy complaining even more. Finally, the big guy lets the little guy have the tent, with much ado about him being a wimp. That night, Bikers: (Make motorcycle noises & come in.) You know, I think we've beat up on the guy outside enough the past two nights. Let's beat up the guy inside the tent tonight!

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January 1997

The Dead Body

Number of Participants: 2 Scene: One person lying on the ground, dead. Another sees him and runs for the telephone and, panicking, gasps: "Police, there's a dead person here... Where ? .... Uh, (looking for a sign), "I'm at Montgomery and Westchester... Spell it ?... Uh, M-o-t-n... Uh, M-o-t-g,," (confused), "Just a minute, I'll drag him over to King and Elm !"

The Den Mother's Bouquet

Characters: Six Cub Scouts in summer uniform or Cub Scout T-shirts. Scene: A nature walk. Props: Cub - fashioned bouquet, with strands of ivy. Cub 1: Gee, Fellas. I don't think Mrs. Brown's having a very good time. Cub 2: Well, you didn't help things much, giving her that garter snake. Cub 3: I was just trying to help her collect stuff for our nature display at pack meeting. Cub 4: Yeah...and you heard what she said! "Nothin' ever again, that moves by itself." Cub 3: So...now I know better! Cub 5: Don't worry about a thing, you guys. I'm gonna fix everything. Cub 6: Yeah? How? Cub 5: Well, you know how nutty women are about flowers? So, I picked her this neat bunch of flowers...(he holds up bouquet, with trailing strands of ivy)... See? Cub 6: Oh no... (wails). We'll never get to go on another hike! Cub 5: How come? Cub 6: Cause...that's poison ivy!!

Did You Have V-8?

Cast: Weakling, three or four Thugs, Old Lady, Director, Cameraman Setting: Street Corner Set in a Studio Weakling: Hi there. I'm advertising the great effects this wonderful vegetable cocktail, V-8, has on your stamina. You, Sir. (To a tough looking thug.) Did you have your V-8 today? Thug: Duh, no. Real men don't drink V-8. Weakling: Sure they do. Watch! (He beats up thug.) See? I had my V-8 today! You Sir! Did you have your V-8 today? Thug 2: (Has crowbar) No, I don't need it! Weakling: Sure you do. (He beats up thug.) You can tell I do! And you Sir! Did you have your V-8 today? Thug 3: Ask me again and I'll beat you up. Weakling: Heh, heh. Did you have your V-8 today? (Thug tries to beat him up, but weakling takes care of him no problem.) So you see, having your V-8 is great for you. An old lady walks in; weakling looks puzzled, whispers to director saying he hadn't heard about an old lady in the script; director says to go on and ask her anyway. Weakling: Excuse me, Ma'am. Did you have your V-8 today? Old lady: As a matter of fact, young man, I did -- and I'll prove it! (She beats him up.)

Dinner Special

Characters: two customers, waiter. Let actors develop actions and dialogue from the situation Props: table with tablecloth, candles, menus, etc. Most important - a storybook Two customers enter a fancy seafood restaurant, study the menus, etc. Waiter arrives to take orders One customer orders shrimp, the second says, "I'd like a lobster tail, please." Waiter says appropriate things, goes away, returns with a storybook, sits down near customer two but face audience and begins to read; "Once upon a time, there was a little lobster...."

Doctor! Doctor!

The secret to success with this series of quickies is to keep them moving along. You can have one doctor and different patients, but it may add greater rush and flurry if a different doctor and patient fly in and out for each quickie. Pat: Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a set of drapes. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 20 -January 1997

Doc: Pull yourself together! Pat: Doctor! Doctor! Am I going to die? Doc: That's the last thing you'll do. Pat: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps ignoring me. Doc: Next! Pat: Doctor! Doctor! My back feels like a deck of cards! Doc: I'll deal with you later. Pat: Doctor! Doctor! What's wrong with me? Doc: Have you had this before? Pat: Yes. Doc: Well, you've got it again! Doc: You'll live to be 80. Pat: I am 80. Doc: See! Pat: Doctor! Doctor! I've got insomnia. Doc: Don't lose any sleep over it! Pat: Doctor! Doctor! My friend's doctor told him he had appendicitis and, two weeks later, my friend died of heart failure. Doc: Don't worry. If I tell you you've got appendicitis, you'll die from appendicitis!

Doctor's Office

First patient comes in hiccuping and asks to see the doctor. The second patient comes in cross-eyed, with a silly look on his face. The third person can't control his muscles and is all jittery. They are all asked to sit down. The first person is asked to go in. There is a real commotion and the patient comes out fine. The same thing happens to the second and third patients. The nurse tells the doctor it is time to go home. The doctor emerges with the symptoms of all his patients and goes offstage.

Doggie Doctor

A person comes to a psychologist and says that he needs help, he thinks that he is a dog, holding up his hands like a dog begging. Through out the skit the person acting like a dog, does dog-like things, like scratching behind his ear, whining, etc. Doctor asks how long he has had this problem. Ever since he was a puppy is the reply. The doctor asks if he will lie on the couch but the person says that he can't since he can't get on the furniture. Doctor's advice is to make sure that he gets all his shots and don't go chasing any cars.

Doggie Doo

Cast: Two friends, doggie doo Setting: Street Two friends are walking along the street, perhaps having a conversation about something, talking about a movie or the latest hockey scores, when all of a sudden -John: Hey Frank! Watch out! That may be doggie doo! Smell it to see if it smells like doggie doo! Frank: (Smells it) Yep! Smells like doggie doo! John: Touch it to see if it feels like doggie doo! Frank: (Touches it) Yep! Feels like doggie doo! John: Taste it to see if it tastes like doggie doo! Frank: (Tastes it) Yep! Tastes like doggie doo! John: Well! It's a good thing we checked and didn't walk in it!

The Dumb Actors

"I once directed this skit and, having prepared it with the kids a few weeks prior to the actual campfire (and the kids being from another group), I'd forgotten that I had to arrange for their brooms. So in the middle of the skit, I remembered about the brooms and quickly ran into the camp kitchen to get the brooms! "It seems to me that this one perhaps could use a little "setting the scene" -- perhaps start off with the "actors" standing around on break, and the Director calling them in, saying that they'd had enough time already. On that note, I once participated in the presentation of this skit. I was a fifth cleaner who was sort of on break, sort of working. I had a coffee cup, a broom, some towels, etc. I would go up and clean the camera, sweep around the son who was lying on the ground, occasionally try to interrupt, but not quite manage to, etc. After a verbatim presentation as follows, I added in, "Yeah guys, let's get back to work!" "Otherwise known as "At the Movies" from the Leader Magazine -- text from the Best of the Leader Magazine Cut Out Pages." Author The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 21 -January 1997

Cast: Director, Others in a Studio (Clapper Board, Lighting Men), Mother, Son, Doctor, Undertaker, brooms for the actors Director: Lights, Camera, Action! Clapper: Scene one, Take one! The actors play the scene without the least sign of emotion as lighting people follow and cameraman films. Mother is flipping pancakes at the stove when son walks in. Son: Mom, I don't feel too well. (He collapses) Mom: (Goes over, looks at son.) Oh, I'd better call the doctor. (Moves to the phone, dials making click, click, click sounds.) Doctor, come quick. My son's collapsed. Doctor: (Enters, checks pulse and breathing.) He's dead. I'd better call the undertaker. (Goes to phone, dials making dialing sounds like Mom did.) Undertaker, you'd better come. I have a dead body here. Undertaker: (Enters and begins to measure the body.) Director: (Jumps up.) Cut! Cut! That was terrible. You had no emotion AT ALL! Let's do it again. This time, give me more emotion! Cast: (Exiting) Right. More emotion. Director: Lights, Camera, Action! Clapper: Scene one, Take Two! The actors redo the scene, using exactly the same words, but with great hammy histrionics. Mom weeps uncontrollably throughout, son dies very dramatically, etc. At the same point as in Take One, the Director yells, "Cut! Cut!" Director: That was better, but too fast. Let's try again. This time, slow it down. Lights, Camera, Action! Clapper: Scene on, Take three! The actors redo the scene in slow motion -- talking slowly, mowing slowly. For example, when the telephone is dialed it goes click ... click ... click ... and after the doctor check's the son's pulse, the son's hand falls slowly back to the floor, etc. The Director yells "Cut!" in the usual place. Director: That was far too slow! Let's speed it up! This time the actors do the scene so quickly that the son throws himself to the ground, the doctor is there before Mom can hang up, and so on. Director: (At the same place) Cut! That was absolutely terrible! Actors? Do you call yourselves actors!!?? Cast: Actors? Who said anything about actors? We're the cleaners! (All pickup brooms and exit.)

Easter Bunny

The Easter Bunny is out delivering his eggs and the police arrest him for breaking and entering a house. The police don't believe that he is the Easter Bunny, but finally decide to believe him and let him go. He decides to finish delivering and tries to enter another house where an old lady or man accuses him of stealing. The Bunny says, "Oh no, not again!" and is run off the stage by the old lady swinging a stick or umbrella.

The Echo

The club leader announces during the singing that he has noticed an echo in the room and he is going to try it out (also could be on a hike overlooking a canyon). The following is a dialogue between the leader and the echo a person out of the room or out of sight. Leader: Hello Echo: Hello Leader: Cheese Echo: Cheese Leader: Bologna Echo: (silence) Leader: (to group) It must not be working now. I'll try again. (to echo) This leader is great. Echo: Bologna The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 22 -January 1997

Echo, again!

A Scout enters the campfire area, walks around and collapses to the ground. He lays there seriously ill and dying. Soon another scout enters and finds the ill scout. He screams out: "There is someone lying here!" then the echo effect from outside of the campfire area. Soon the scout calls out, "I think he is ill!", echo effect. He continues, "I think he is very ill!" echo again. The Scout beginning to panic screams out "He is dying" with the echoes responding. Finally the scout calls out "He is Dead!". But this time the echoes respond in unison, "Its about time!"

Echo Point

Once modified this to suit a space theme -- it was a tour around the galaxy to different planets, people traveled in a spaceship to get from planet to planet (a drawing of the USS Enterprise, no less,) and they went back to the starbase. But essential details of the dialogue, and of course, the joke itself, were exactly the same. Cast: Guide, Tourists, Echo hidden in the bushes Setting: A Tour of the Countryside You might want to lengthen it a bit at first, to tell a more complete story, but for the sake of brevity, you might not. Guide: (To tourist group) And this over here is the famous site where John Smith first discovered gold. Now if you'll follow me, we'll be going to Echo Point next. (Walks around a bit with group.) Here it is. What makes Echo Point so special is that whenever you call out the name of a food, it will echo three times. Listen. Yogurt! (Echo: "Yogurt! Yogurt! Yogurt!") See? Now, would anybody else like to try? Tourist #1: I would. Banana! (Echo: "Banana! Banana! Banana!") Tourist #2: Salad! (Echo: "Salad! Salad! Salad!") Hey! Neato! Tourist #3: I want to try. Baloney! (Echo: "Baloney! Baloney!" -- ONLY TWICE!) Guide: (After a pause,) That's strange -- it's never repeated a food only twice. Maybe we should wait a moment more. (Pause -- nothing happens.) I'm so embarrassed. Well, I guess we should go back to the base, where the food is so good! Echo: Baloney!

Elevated Gum

A boy enters chewing gum, acting like a business man, with a briefcase etc. Walks up and enters a elevator, sticks gum on the wall. A kid listening to rock & roll on his portable stereo, dances into the elevator, leans on wall, hands sticks to gum. Tries hard to pull hand off the wall. The kid looks at the gum, stretches it, picks his nose, sneezes, etc.; all getting on the gum. Throws the gum at the back of the elevator where it sticks. Dumb, spacey, jock stereotype enter the elevator, leans on the back wall and the gum gets stuck to the following places: first head and elevator, then head and hand, both hands, foot and both hands, both feet and hands, hands, knees, and hand to face. He finally gets free and sticks gum back on side wall. Businessman enters the elevator after the Jock leaves, see gum and decides to chew it again, then leaves.

The Elevator

The scene opens with an elevator operator intoning "Ground Floor". A passenger gets on and begins to jiggle slightly. The elevator operator intones each floor with a description of what's on that floor. A passenger gets on at each floor and begins to jiggle as well. As the elevator gets higher the passengers begin to jiggle more. When the top floor is reached the passengers begin to jiggle like mad, the operator intones bathrooms and they all rush quickly off. The operator suddenly looks funny, begins to jiggle, shouts "ME TOO!" and runs off the stage.

Emergency Room Doctor

The scene is an emergency room at a hospital. The Doctor is totally self absorbed, combing hair, looking in mirror etc. A guy runs in, a hiker with a branch stuck in his stomach. He is screaming in agony. the Doctor insists that he must ask him some questions before anything can be done. The patient screams that he is losing blood. The doctor continues asking questions such as where he lives, past illnesses, type of house, how he got there etc. A phone rings and the Doctor is invited out to lunch. The Doctor runs off leaving the wounded man writhing on the floor. A stupid looking janitor with a broom wanders by and pulls the branch out. The patient stands up, says thanks and leaves.

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

-- 23 --

January 1997

The Enlarging Machine

Preparation: Decide which objects will be enlarged, and collect both large and small versions. For example: A dime becomes a quarter. A string becomes a coil of rope. A newspaper page becomes the Sunday paper. Set up a sheet as a backdrop, and hide a Scout behind it with the large objects and a bucket of water. The Professor will be in front of the sheet with the small objects. If it is dark, you will need a spotlight on the action. The Skit The Professor walks out and announces that he has developed a wonderful Enlarging Machine that will make anything - anything - bigger. As the Scout behind the machine makes 'machine' noises, he explains that the machine is operated simply by tossing an object over the sheet. The machine will then return the object in a much larger form. The Professor will demonstrate his fantastic invention, but he needs volunteers to help. One by one, the volunteers come forward. The Professor hands them an object which they throw over the sheet. The machine then makes noises, and the larger object is tossed back. Each time, the Professor exclaims about the value and capability of the machine. The last volunteer is the Scapegoat, who is volunteered by the Professor and the crowd. The Professor takes the Scapegoat by the arm and leads him toward the audience and away from the sheet. In tones of great secrecy, the Professor encourages him to have some fun with the machine and spit over the sheet. They return to the sheet, and the Scapegoat spits. He is instantly drenched by a bucket of water. Variation The Professor can talk out loud about an object, but actually hand the Scapegoat a cup of water. By his actions, he implies that he and the Scapegoat are going to surprise the Scout behind the machine. This can have several outcomes; the Scout can be surprised; the Scapegoat can get wet anyway; or the Professor can get wet, to his surprise.

Eskimo Pie

Scene: Group of Cub Scouts around a table. Props: Ping pong ball, sponge, white golf tees, pan with ice cream bars in the bottom. Cub 1: Isn't it great our leader is letting us make a pie for our den meeting treat? Cub 2: Sure is. I don't know what kind of pie it is, but here are the directions. Cub 3: Let's see, first you put in these walrus eyes. Cub 4: Walrus eyes? Are you sure? Cub 3: Says so right here. (Puts ping pong balls in pan.) Cub 5: OK, next put in a pound of blubber. Cub 4: A pound of blubber? Are you sure? Cub 5: That's what it says in the recipe. (Puts in white sponges.) Cub 6: The next thing to add are two dozen polar bear teeth. Cub 4: I don't believe that. Why would you put teeth in a pie? Cub 3: Hey, you have to have teeth to eat a pie! Cub 4: Oh yeah, go ahead. Cub 6: Here go the teeth. (Puts in golf tees.) Cub 1: Now we let it freeze for one hour. (Put lid on pan.) Cub 2: (Hold up sign that says "one hour later".) Cub 1: Let's see what we've got. (Uncovers pot.) All: (Look into pan and exclaim.) Eskimo pies!!!! (Pull out ice cream bars, open and eat.)

The Failed Reporter

"I'm a reporter. I have been for 12 years. And in all that time, I've never had a real scoop. Never. I'm a failure. I've done this long enough, so now I'm going to jump off this bridge and kill myself. One, two, ..." "Wait! Wait! Why are you jumping?" "I'm a failed reporter. I've never had a real scoop." "Oh. You think you have it bad, I'm a truck driver, and I've got hemorrhoids. I think I'll join you." "One, two, ..." "Wait! What are you all doing?" "We're committing suicide." "Oh, I'm a grade school teacher. I just realized that I can't stand whiney little kids. I think I'll join you." "One, two, ..." The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 24 -January 1997

"Wait! What are you doing?" "We're committing suicide." "Well I'm a florist, and I've got hay fever." sneeze! "I think I'll join you." "One, two, ..." "Wait! What are you doing?" "We're committing suicide." "I'm a dentist, hic and I've had the hiccups for the last hic five years. Would you like a tooth removed hic?" He holds one of those pointy dentist things, and each time he hics his hands jerk around "No!" "Then I think I'll hic join you." "One! Two! Three!!!" They all jump, except for the reporter. "Four people jump to their grisly deaths! What a scoop!" He runs offstage, scribbling furiously on his notepad. -- Thanks to Bob Jenkins

The Fire

You need two players and a behind-scenes person to move the fire (an artificial campfire with invisible strings attached). The players sit by the fire, reading, doing a puzzle, etc. The fire moves slightly. They don't notice. It moves again; they don't notice. This continues until, finally, the fire is pulled off stage. At that point, one of the players looks at the other and says, "Looks like the fire's gone out again!" -- Thanks to Scouting (UK) magazine

Firebuilding

When we entered the campfire theater the first four scouts walked in with large cans filled only with torn up news paper. The Staff immediately noticed and gave us their attention. One or two came over to see what was up. We let them examine the cans and they found only paper. As everyone was seated, the leaders delivered additional cans, these had water balloons covered with paper. I even threw some paper in the air as we delivered the cans. During the other skits, I sat down with staff carrying a dummy can and left it there. Now for the skit: Have four volunteers stand across from each other with arms on shoulders making a square. The Next four volunteers bend over with their rears pushed out and their arms around the waist of the four who are standing. The Next four get behind the knees of the four bent over, on all fours. The announcer continues to talk about fire lays and the importance of building a great fire lay. Ham this up and joke about the funny logs the scouts have brought for the fire lay. With everything in place, the announcer reminds all of fire safety and that you must always put out the fire when you are finished. ( at this point the senior staff member was heard assuring the others, no fear, its only paper)The Staff was then properly "put out"! It was a great sales job, and worked so well. Best skit and Best con at summer camp.--- Thanks to Merl Whitebook, Troop 1, Tulsa, Okla.

The Firing Squad

A firing squad lines up with a prisoner. The leader of the firing squad calls out "Ready ... Aim ..." The prisoner shouts, "Tornado!" The soldiers all run for cover and the prisoner escapes. A Second prisoner is brought out, the leader calls out "Ready ... Aim ..>" and the prisoner shouts, "Landslide!", the firing squad runs for cover and the prisoner escapes again. Repeat this for other natural disasters. The last prisoner is brought out and having seen the other prisoners escape decides to do the same thing except he yells "Fire" and the firing squad does. Version 2: Probably taken from "You Can't Do That on Television." Cast: Rifle squad, Commander, Person to be executed Setting: Jail Person about to executed is standing at pole, doing a crossword puzzle. Commander: Ready, aim ... What are you doing? Person: The crossword puzzle from today's New York Times. A real tough one. Commander: Did you know I'm about to have you executed? Person: Sure. Here ... a four letter word meaning burning ... Hmm ... Do you have any idea? Commander: Four letters -- burning -- (takes puzzle, walks in front of pole, person sneaks away) -- F-I-R-E ! FIRE! It fits! Firing squad shoots and he buckles over with one of those knowing looks on his face.

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

-- 25 --

January 1997

Fish Market

Two people, one a fisherman and the other a fish market manager come on stage and hold a long cord between them. The fish market man attempts to call the fisherman on the telephone to see if he has any fish today, the fisherman acts as if he can't hear him. Volunteers are brought out of the audience and hold the cord between the fish market man and the fisherman one or two at a time with the market man attempting to call each time. When several people are holding the line, the market man is able to communicate with the fisherman. The fisherman says that he doesn't have any trout but he does have a lot of suckers hanging on a line showing the line the volunteers are holding up.

Fishin'

Center stage is a lad fishing from a billy can or bucket, he keeps pulling the rod as though he has something on the line. A passer by looks at him as he walks by and then walks on, after a few steps the passer by comes back to the lad. Passerby: "What are you doing there then?" Fisher: "I'm fishing, what does it look as though I'm doing?" Passerby: "Fishing eh!, what are you fishing for." Fisher: "I'm fishing for suckers." Passerby: "Have you caught any?" Fisher: "Yes you're the third today"

Fishing

(The scene opens with the two players rowing an imaginary boat.) Andrew: Whew! It sure is a long way out here. Robert: Yep. (puts hand to eyes) I can't see the shore anymore. Ready to start fishing ? Andrew: I think so. Looks like a good spot to me. (Both ready imaginary rods, reels, hooks, worms, etc., and start fishing. Immediately they both start to catch fish, recast and catch more. Continue for several casts.) Andrew: I told you this would be a good spot. Robert: Sure is, the boat's full. Guess we have our limit.. Better get back. Andrew: O.K. (gets oars ready) Robert: Did you use a map to get here ? Andrew: Nope. Robert: How are we ever gonna find our way back tomorrow ? Andrew: Oh, that's easy. I'll just mark the spot with a big X right here on the side of the boat ! (makes mark both row away quickly)

Fishing on a Park Bench

Three guys are sitting on a park bench. Goober is quietly reading, Gomer is pretending to swim in a lake (jumps off bench and swims around). Gopher is pretending to be fishing, reeling fish after fish. Policeman comes in and watches them. Policeman asks Goober if he knows the other two men. Goober says they are his friends. The policeman thinks Goober ought to take care of his friends. Goober says okay and asks the others to climb into his boat. The policeman ask Goober what he is doing: Goober says: "Somebody has to row the boat" pretends to row off stage (the policeman staring after them, shaking his head in disbelief).

Fishing Success

Five or six fishermen sit on the end of the dock (chairs), casting and winding in their lines. One fisherman is catching all the fish: the others have no luck. In turn, the unlucky ones ask the successful fisherman why he's doing so well. Each time, he mumbles a reply without opening his mouth, and nobody can tell what he is saying. The other fisherman get more irritated. After each question, the fisherman catches another fish, bigger than the last. (ham this up) The other gripe and protest. When the last person asks the question, the successful fisherman sighs, spits into his hand, and says, "You have to keep the worms warm."

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

-- 26 --

January 1997

The Fishing Trip

Cast: 4 to 8 Cub Scouts. Props: Fishing gear, a small row boat or cardboard silhouette of a boat, and a sign that says "boat dock". Setting: The scene starts with the boat about 10 feet away from the boat dock. The Cub Scouts and their Den Chief are on their way to go fishing. The first Cub stops at the dock then walks out across the water and gets in the boat. Boy 2: Hey wait for me! (he walks out to the boat) Den Chief: Oh well... (steps into the water and pretends to fall in and drags himself back to shore) Boy 3: Hey wait up. Here I come (walks out to the boat) The Den Chief tries and fails again. The sequence continues until all the boys are in the boat and only the Den Chief remains on shore. Finally, one of the Cub Scouts says: "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"

Flasher

One member seems to be wearing nothing but an overcoat in front of the campfire. As each scout approached him, he would (with his back turned to the audience) flash the "innocent" bystander. Each time that he flashed, the person would either be frightened off or else roll down a hill in uncontrolled hysterics. After his third victim he turned to the crowd and asked "Hey what's the deal?" Revealing that he was wearing shorts with a letter-sized photocopy of the face of the leader, camp director or the like. Once again showing that it's not always so hot to be popular

Flea

Boys standing in a line, first boy scratches, then second on down the line, last boy feels it and says "Oh there you are Marvin, I've been looking all over for you. You've got to stop hopping around, Marvin (boy acts as though Marvin has hopped away) you come back here.(goes out into the audience looking and touching people) There you are Marvin, you've got to stay here (looks at pretend speck) Hey you aren't Marvin, (puts it back into the audience) Oh Marvin where are you?

The Flea Circus

Characters: Ringmaster, Cub Scouts in Uniform (any number). RINGMASTER: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are proud to introduce the Den _____ Flea Circus. We will now present Hugo, who will walk the tightrope. When he reaches the center, he will turn a double somersault. May we have silence, please? [Two Cubs stretch a string. Third Cub places "flea" on the string. Cubs follow movement of flea with exaggerated head movements, as it walks to the center of the string, and turns the somersault. One boy with his mouth open gets too close to the string and gulps as if he had swallowed a "flea".) FIRST CUB: [Puts hand over mouth, gulps loudly.] I swallowed Hugo! [Begins to cry and leaves stage.] RINGMASTER: Err...uh...well... On with the show. Our next act is about to begin. Homer will jump from this boy's hand into a dish of water. Keep in mind the size of this tiny fellow. [Boy makes motion of tossing "flea" into dish, then retrieves him in hand.] RINGMASTER: Well done, Homer. Give the little guy a big hand. [Boy claps quickly, forgetting Homer...looks shocked, and slowly parts hands, sobs and runs off stage. RINGMASTER: Too bad. But we must compose ourselves. Our next fabulous act features Hector, the weight lifting Flea. Hector is the strongest flea in the world. That rock may not seem large to you, but think of how small Hector is... compare his size to the size of this rock. [Boy puts Hector on table, proudly points to him, flexes muscles, and points to Hector again.] RINGMASTER: [To boy] Hold up that rock so the audience can get a better look at it. [Boy holds up rock in one hand for audience to see... then plops rock back down on table without looking. Looks around for Hector, picks up rock and finds smashed Hector.] BOY: Hector! Hector! [Sobs, hangs head, and leaves stage.] RINGMASTER: We seem to be having a bit of hard luck. But the show must go on. I now introduce Harry, the bare-back riding flea. [Boy removes shirt, then pretends to place "flea" on his bare back, then runs off stage yelling.] BOY: Hang on, Harry! [Looks over shoulder while running offstage.] RINGMASTER: [Relieved.] He made it! And now Hiram and Hillary will perform their world famous trapeze act. Hillary will make a triple somersault and Hiram will catch her. [Boys hold up trapeze made of soda straws with a string through them. Two boys each hold one. Third boy places "flea" on trapeze and begin to swing it.] The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 27 -January 1997

RINGMASTER: There they go! Watch them swing! Hillary lets go, she's turning a somersault. One, two, three, and Hiram catch.. er.. misses her! [Boys begin looking for Hillary on the floor.] BOY: There she is! Points to floor near second boy.] SECOND BOY: Where? [Takes a step where other boy pointed.] BOY: You just stepped on her! Oh well, she needed more practice, anyway. Say, [to Ringmaster] we have another flea act for you. He's a man eating flea! [Opens box] Oops, he got away! [Ringmaster begins to scratch frantically, yells help several times, and runs off stage. (Preferably into audience. ;) ) BOYS: [Chasing him] Hey! Bring back our flea! We want our flea! [Curtain] -- From the Theodore Roosevelt Council 1989 Powwow Book. Thanks to Chuck Bramlet, ASM Troop 323, Thunderbird District, Grand Canyon Council, Phoenix, Az

Flora the Flea

Cast: Performer The performer is putting his trained flea Flora through all her tricks, explaining all her tricks as she does them. His eyes follow every flip, jump, etc. as she performs and lands back in his hand. The he asks her to jump to the ceiling. His eyes lose her and she doesn't return. He looks high and low (perhaps with the help of a friend) but can't find her. Finally he looks in someone's hair. Performer: (Delighted) Flora! There you are! I'm so glad to have you back. (looks more closely.) But say ... this isn't Flora! Alternate Ending ... when Flora has done all her tricks, Performer: Let's hear a big round of applause for Flora! (Begins to clap, then stops, horrified, realizing what he's done.)

Fly in the Soup

Customer: Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup ! Waiter : (Enters, very snooty, peering into the soup) Oh, yes, you are right sir. That will be an extra 25 cents for the meat. Customer: But waiter, he's swimming all over the top ! Waiter : (Still snooty) You are right, sir. It doesn't know it's a fly, sir. It's doing the Butterfly stroke. Customer: Well, I think it must be an Australian ! Waiter : Why do you say that sir ? Customer: BECAUSE IT'S DOWN UNDER NOW !

Flying High

Boys on a flight to Germany or other destination. They act up and really give the stewardess or steward (den leader, 11 year old patrol leader etc.) a hard time. Finally, one of them bumps into her/him and knocks a tray on him/her. The steward/stewardess smiles and says, "Why don't you boys just run outside and play."

Fly in the Soup

Customer: Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup ! Waiter: (Enters, very snooty, peering into the soup) Oh, yes, you are right sir. That will be an extra 25 cents for the meat. Customer: But waiter, he's swimming all over the top ! Waiter: (Still snooty) You are right, sir. It doesn't know it's a fly, sir. It's doing the Butterfly stroke. Customer: Well, I think it must be an Australian ! Waiter : Why do you say that sir ? Customer: BECAUSE IT'S DOWN UNDER NOW !

Food, Water & Mirror on the Sahara

An easy 2-person skit if you have only one person who's thirsty. Cast: 2 or 3 People, cup of water, combs, Narrator Setting: Sahara Desert Narrator: Here are some poor, thirsty men on the desert who've been stranded on the desert for days. Let's watch. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 28 -January 1997

Two or three people are crawling, calling out for water. Time to really ham it up. Finally, they see the cup of water and stagger for it, reaching out. Finally, they get to the water and, People: Ahhhh! (Relieved -- they take out combs, dip them in water and begin to comb hair.)

The Fortune Teller

This is a campfire skit. You can plan it carefully if you want. If you have a good spontaneous actor, he might be able to ad-lib responses to each object presented to him, without advance planning. The Announcer should always tell the audience what object is given to the Fortune Teller, because they usually will not be able to see clearly. The Skit A small tent is set up, with an old lady sitting in front of it. This can be a Scout wrapped up in a blanket, who speaks with an old lady's voice. An Announcer introduces her as a very accurate teller of fortunes who can predict a person's future by touching anything belonging to the person. The Announcer calls up a series of Scouts. He asks the first Scout what he has brought, and the Scout produces a pencil. The Announcer hands the pencil to the Fortune Teller and asks her to tell the future of the owner. The Fortune Teller waves her hands and mumbles some words and then predicts that the owner will become a writer. The scene is repeated. A Scout produces a comb from his pocket, and the Fortune Teller predicts that he will become a hairdresser. A third Scout has a dollar, and she predicts that he will become a successful banker. After several of these, the Scapegoat is summoned from the audience. The announcer asks what he has to show the Fortune Teller. No matter what the Scapegoat suggests, the Announcer says it is not good enough. Either it has been done before, or it is too easy, or "That's no fun!", or any other reason. Finally, the Announcer suggests that the Scapegoat try his shoe, and makes him take it off. The shoe is handed to the Fortuneteller, who repeats her mumbo jumbo. (If the Fortune Teller is a good pantomime, this is a wonderful opportunity to make faces, hold her nose, etc.) She then announces, "You will take a long walk in the woods!" She throws the shoe far into the woods.

Four Leaf Clover

A person finds a four leaf clover. He feels sure that it will bring him good luck. Another person runs into him. They accuse each other of running into each other. They start hitting each other. A policeman comes along, the other guy accuses the lucky person. The lucky person is hauled off to jail. The lucky person reappears, disgruntled and unhappy. Garbage is dumped on him as he walks along and gets fined by a policeman for littering. The lucky man throws away the four leaf clover. Another finds it. The former lucky man comes back on stage. The person who found the four leaf runs on stage saying he just won a million dollars and has good luck since he found it. The former lucky man slumps down, groans, and begins to cry.

The Four Seasons

The narrator narrates, everyone else is volunteers. "I need eleven volunteers for this skit." "This skit is called the Four Seasons. You three are trees. You three are leaves in trees, get up in the trees. You're poison ivy, cling to the roots of one of the trees. You're tree's blood, you run through the trees. You two are birds, flit from tree to tree and sing. And you're the babbling brook. You have to babble." "Babble babble babble babble ..." "In the spring, the leaves come out on the trees. The birds flit from tree to tree." "In the summer, the leaves open up and the sun shines down on the forest. The birds form flocks" "In the fall, the leaves drop from the trees. The birds fly away south." "In the winter, the brook freezes and stops babbling. All seems still in the forest. But beneath it all there is still life. Look! The sap is still running!" -- Thanks to Bob Jenkins

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Fred the Trained Flea

"Here in my hand is Fred the Trained Flea. Fred will perform for you some amazing feats. Watch closely." "Fred, do jumping jacks! Very good! Cheer, everyone!" "Fred, do a somersault!" "Fred, do a high jump!" Watch him go way up, then back down. "Now Fred will do a long jump. I need a volunteer to catch Fred." Pick a scoutmaster, or someone in authority. "Fred, do a long jump!" Watch Fred jump to the volunteer "Oh! He seems to have jumped into your hair!" Walk over to the volunteer, start picking through their hair. "Here we are .. no, that's not Fred." toss the flea over your shoulder "Ah! No, that's not Fred." "That's not Fred." "Fred, are you in there?" "That's not Fred either." "Boy, there's a lot of fleas in here." "Fred? Fred?" ... -- Thanks to Bob Jenkins

Friends of Years

Three guys are sitting on a park bench. Goober is quietly reading, Gomer is pretending to swim in a lake (jumps off bench and swims around). Gopher is pretending to be fishing, reeling fish after fish. Policeman comes in and watches them. Policeman asks Goober if he knows the other two men. Goober says they are his friends. The policeman thinks Goober ought to take care of his friends. Goober says okay and asks the others to climb into his boat. Goober pretends to row off stage (the policeman staring after them, shaking his head in disbelief).

The Frightened Hunter

Cast: Story teller, hunter, game warden The story teller tells the story, while the hunter pantomimes the story and his actions. The game warden comes in on cue. Story Teller: There once was this hunter who was hunting for several years in the same location. Every year, he would see a deer grazing on the edge of a cliff, which was just outside the allowed hunting zone. The deer would never come into the hunting zone. Now this was a very big deer, and would have been a wonderful prize. But the hunter was always unsure, and didn't want to lose his license. Finally one year, the hunter decided that he was going to shoot the deer anyway, as he wasn't having much luck. He went up to the deer, saw that it was dead, and threw it over his right shoulder, then put his gun over his left shoulder. All of a sudden, the game warder came up to him. Game Warden: Excuse me, sir, I was just watching you. What's that over your shoulder? Hunter: (looking over left shoulder) That's my hunting rifle. Game Warden: And what's that over your other shoulder? Hunter: (looking over right shoulder, and shakes off the deer) AAHHHHHH!

Game Show

The skit starts out with a couple of campers (or scouts in your case) asking for some volunteers from the audience (parents will do JUST fine...evil grin). The volunteers are then removed from the room by one of the scouts in charge of the 'Game Show' (thank you Vanna...) After the volunteers have been removed, the 'Game' is set up. Two tables (the folding type work VERY well) are covered with sleeping bags and balls of various descriptions are placed under buckets on these tables, the catch is that in between the two tables a person (another scout perhaps) is kneeling with his head under a bucket to resemble the other buckets (of course this is well hidden with sleeping bags, or sheets or what ever you have handy) The tables are then moved close together to further hide the fact that there is anyone under the table, and don't forget to cover the front of the table so that the participant, or victim as it were, cannot see under the tables. Bring in the first contestant... It is then that the 'Game' is described to the contestant. He/she is to make his/her way down the line of buckets picking up each bucket and naming the ball under the bucket. Give some time record to be beaten. Then as they make their way down the line and eventually pick up the bucket off of the table under which the scout is hiding, the scout should yell/scream etc. to further the shock value. Bring in the next contestant...etc This skit is generally really effective and is good for a few laughs if nothing else. -- Thanks to James Brezina

Gathering of the Nuts I

An announcer asks if the audience will help with the squirrel's harvest. Several boys dressed up like squirrels with paper ears, tails, and brown clothes go out into the audience bring back people known for their crazy

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behavior. They are gathered on the stage and the announcer says that the title of the skit will be, "The Gathering of the Nuts."

Gathering of the Nuts II

Vincent: I am the famous artist, Vincent Van Go Go. I have come here this evening at great expense to create one of my living nature paintings which will express the atmosphere of this camp ! First I am going to need some trees. (Two trees are selected from the participants in the audience, and are directed where to stand. They wave their arms gently.) Vincent: Now I will need some birds to twitter among the trees. (Three birds are selected and they move around the trees making twittering sounds.) Vincent: (Stands back to view scene) Perhaps a sun to shine on everything. (A tall participant stands on a bench and smiles brightly.) Vincent: (Again viewing) It's not right yet. I know, some rabbits hopping around. (Assistant Leaders are chosen for rabbits) Vincent: One last touch. A babbling brook. Scouter, will you be the brook, you're always babbling ? (The brook takes his place.) Vincent: (Turns to audience) There it is, another Vincent Van Go Go original nature scene. I call it "The Gathering of the Nuts."

The General Store

The scene is a general store, with the Storekeeper behind the counter. The counter is easily represented by a long table with a few items piled on it. Behind the Storekeeper is a curtain, which conceals another Scout, the Storekeeper's Son. He has a full change of clothes with him. The Skit The Storekeeper introduces himself. He explains that this is his store and his Son helps him to run it. He is very proud of how hard he works to satisfy every customer, no matter what the customer wants. A customer enters, walks up to the counter, and asks for a hat. The Storekeeper turns and calls out, "Hey Son, I need a hat." The curtain moves, and a hand reaches through with a hat. The customer admires it, and they agree on a price. The customer pays, puts on the hat, and walks out acting pleased. Other customers repeat the process for a jacket, a shirt, shoes, socks, and a pair of pants. Each time, there is more movement of the curtain, and a longer delay before the clothing is handed through the curtain. There are sounds of grumbling, and the Storekeeper reminds his son about their commitment to sell whatever the customer needs. The last customer walks in hesitantly and asks in embarrassed tones for underwear. The Storekeeper does not hear him, and makes him repeat it until everybody can hear clearly. Finally he says, "Oh of course. Underwear! Son, we need some underwear." Nothing happens. The Storekeeper repeats his request several times, each time emphasizing the word, "Underwear." There is no answer. He apologizes to his customer for his lazy son, and says he will get the underwear himself. He stomps off behind the curtain. The curtain shakes, and we hear, "No, Pa! No, Pa! No!" The Son runs through the curtain and across the stage wearing only underpants.

The Ghost of Midnight

This one is similar to the Ghost With One Black Eye, but each is different enough to merit their own title (after all, going through all of the skits, you'll realize that many skits are simple variations on another.) Cast: Ghost, Family asleep in house Setting: House at Night Ghost: (Going up to Mom, wakes her up -- uses scary ghost voice.) I am the Ghost of Midnight! Mom: Ahhh! Ghost: (To Dad -- same thing.) I am the Ghost of Midnight! Dad: I'm getting out of here! Ghost: (To son.) I am the Ghost of Midnight! Son: Help! Mommy! Ghost: (To daughter.) I am the Ghost of Midnight! Daughter: (Looks at watch.) Aww, shut up! It's only 11:45!

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Ghost With One Black Eye

Cast: Ghost, 3 Pedestrians Setting: City Street #1: (Bends over; picks up coin.) Wow! A loony! Ghost: (Comes out; scary voice.) I am the Ghost with one black eye! (#1 scared; drops loony; runs away) #2: (Bends over; picks up coin.) Wow! A dollar! Ghost: (comes out) I am the Ghost with one black eye! (#2 scared; drops dollar; runs away) #3: (Bends over; picks up coin.) Wow! Money! Ghost: (Comes out.) I am the Ghost with one black eye! #3: Keep it up, and you'll get another!

Ghostcatchers

Two guys start a ghost catching business. They go to this house and can't get rid of the ghost. The ghost finally leaves because one of the guys sings very badly and off key. The ghost can't stand it and leaves.

Giant Worm

On stage you have a boy concealed in a sleeping bag that is open on both ends, he is the Giant worm. Several "hikers" happen upon the worm. The hikers are eating and carrying with them a supply of candy bars. They look at each other in amazement ask each other "I wonder what he eats" The hikers hold some candy bars near the mouth of the worm. The worm gobbles up the candy bars wrappers and all. Then the worm quickly discards empty wrappers form the other end.(stuff happens). The hikers run away. Another group of hikers comes along drinking soft drinks and repeats the routine. The third group comes along with nothing to eat or drink. this group should have your smallest scout. this group also ponders what this giant worm would et. At that moment the worm gobbles the smallest scout. Then discards a pair of pants and shirt out the other end. The worm walks off with the eaten scout under the sleeping bag. The hikers run away.

Glass of Water

There is a glass of water in the middle of the stage. First scout crawls across the floor crying for water. He dies dramatically shortly after beginning his crawl. The second person dies just short of the glass of water. The third person on his last bit of strength really hams up his desperation as much as he can. He reaches the water, takes out a comb, grooms his hair with the water, sighs with relief and goes off stage.

Go Cart

(One participant is on hands and knees as the 'Go Cart') Driver : Oh, this fool Go Cart is always giving me trouble ! Now the front wheel has come off. (Selects member of audience) Would you come over and give me a hand. Thanks. (Selected person may have some comments to respond to - then they are led to the cart.) Driver : Here, if you would just be the wheel I need. That's right, get down on your hands and knees up there and be the front wheel. Now let me try it again. (Driver gets on car, tries to start it up.) Go Cart: (Makes sputtering noises, starts, moves forward, then sags and sputters out.) Driver : Now what is it ? (Driver moves to rear, lifts cart, lets go and cart sags again.) Driver : Now that old suspension has gone, I need more help. (Selects someone else) Please come over here and be the suspension. That's right, just hold the back end up there. Now I'll try it again. (Gets on car, starts engine.) Go Cart: (Sputters to life, moves forward, wobbles, and stops) Driver : (Getting off) Oh, no. Now the rear wheel is loose. I'll go and get more help. (Selects more help) (New help is positioned at rear wheel.) Driver: This wheel is loose. If you will just hold the wheel (indicates leg) tightly so it doesn't fall off, you'll be a big help. Thanks. (Driver gets on cart, starts engine) Go Cart: (Starts up, runs fine, moves forward) Driver : (Braking to halt) Oh, that's perfect now ! All I needed was a few NUTS to get it going !

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Gone Fishin'

Three boys sitting on a bench or chairs in the front of the room. The two boys on outside have fishing poles, the one in the middle is reading a newspaper. Boys with lines act like they are fishing. Cub 1: Sure haven't been catching much. Cub 3: I haven't even had a nibble. Policeman: (walks on from offstage.) What are you guys doing? Cub 1: Fishing, sir. Policeman: Can't you tell this is a pack meeting? Cub 3: No, it's a pond! Policeman: (nudges man with paper and he lowers it) Do you know these two characters? Cub 2: (folds newspaper) Sure, they are my friends. Policeman: In that case, you'd better get them out of here. Cub 2: Yes, sir. (reaching behind chair, picks up a paddle and acts as if he is paddling away.)

The Good Samaritan

A Scout walks out from backstage, stumbles, and falls on his face. He struggles noisily to get up, but keeps his forehead on the floor. He sometimes succeeds in getting into a position with his feet and his forehead on the floor, and his butt in the air. He rotates in this position, keeping his forehead in one place. He calls for help for help, repeating "My forehead is stuck!" As he struggles, other Scouts walk casually past. They ignore him, or look with curiosity, but they do not help. Finally, a Scout comes running up and heaves the victim to his feet. The victim is effusively grateful, but the rescuer just looks at his face. He reaches out, plucks something from the victim's forehead, and pops it into his mouth. "Thanks," he says, "I knew I'd lost my gum somewhere around here!"

Good Soup

Props: a large pot, several spoons, and a floor mop. A chef's hat would also be useful. Announcer: This scene takes place in the camp Dining Hall. (Several boys are seated around a large pot, sampling the imaginary contents with the spoons.) Scott : Boy, this is sure good soup. Brad : Yep, it's got REAL flavor. David : Sure is, why it's even better than my Mom makes. Matthew: Oh yeah. It's the best food I've eaten at camp all week. Cook : (Enters waving floor mop and shouting) Hey you guys ! Get out of my mop water !!! Version 2: Known by the same title in the Leader Magazine. Cast: Three or four Cubs or Scouts, Cook, Tub Setting: Kitchen #1: (Over tub, tasting contents) Good Soup! #2: Yeah, Good Soup! #3: I know! Good Soup! #4: None better than this! Good Soup! Cook: (Comes running in) Get out of my dishwater!

Granny! Wake Up!

Cast: Grandson, Granny (2 people), Volunteer, Victim, campfire blanket(s) Setting: In Granny's Room Granny is in bed (say on the floor,) and of course is covered with blankets. Your two grannies lie down on their backs, as close together as possible, with heads in opposite directions. The head of one is exposed, the other being covered and where Granny's "feet" are. Try to figure out a way to set up the audience such that it seems like the right way to be addressing Granny, such as Her being afraid of getting any worse and wanting to be completely covered up to avoid getting cold.

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Grandson: (To Granny) Granny! Wake Up! It's time for your pill! (Pause -- no response.) Granny! Wake Up! Oh no! She may be dead! (Ham it up, boys!) My gosh, I'll need some help! (Get volunteer.) Help me wake Granny! Both of them: Granny! Wake UP! Wake Up! Grandson: Oh, what ever will we do? She needs to take that pill! I think we need more help! (Get victim.) Will you help us? Just call out with us to wake up Granny. All of them: GRANNY! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! Grandson: Maybe if you stand over her and ask her for a sign that she's still alive. Victim: OK. (Stands over her) Granny! Wake Up! Please! Give me a sign! Granny's "back end" rises up and hits him on the behind.

Granny's Candy Store

Paint a verbal picture of the various scouts acting as a cash register (person says ching, ching), popcorn machine (goes pop, pop), door (person holds arms horizontal, swinging saying creak, creak), tree, chair, etc. Have three guys standing there with no parts to play. Have several scouts come in one at a time, as customers. They ask Granny for various items of candy; licorice, gum, etc. Finally disgusted, a customer asks what she does have, and she says all she has left is these three suckers standing in the corner.

The Greatest Spitter in the World

Another 2-person skit you can plug in. Cast: GSITW, Partner with metal pot (with a bit of water in it) and a pebble Setting: Boardwalk, Circus, Amusement Park Separate GSITW and partner by about 15 feet. Partner: Ladies and Gentlemen! May I present to you the Greatest Spitter in the World! He does all kinds of tricks with a mere spit! Let him show you the simple spit first! GSITW sends off a regular spit, which is caught in the pot by the partner. When it's supposed to land, he hits the bottom of the pot with a secret pebble he holds in his hand. Partner: Ladies and Gents! That is not all he can do! Watch his fastball! Again, another spit which immediately "lands" in the pot. Continue with tricks, such as slow spit, high spit, round the world spit (in which case each turns around, backs facing each other, and the spit takes a while to come around but indeed does,) curve spit, and so on. Finally, Partner: Now for his last spit! It's a really difficult spit but we think we have it! It's a high, quadruple axle, curvy, spring jump spit! We must have absolute silence for this one! GSITW spits up, partner follows it up, doing 4 spins, it curves side to side, begins to jump up and down in air, then he seems to lose it ... no, there it is ... he goes side to side, trying to catch it, he trips and spills the water on the crowd.

Grease

Boy 1: Tonight we are going to be talking about ancient Greece. (Boy 2 walks on stage carrying a can of Crisco.) Boy 1: No, no; not that kind of grease. You know Greece, the place. Boy 2: Oh yeah, that's in back of the cafeteria.

Green Side Up! Green Side Up!

Characters: A Building Contractor, A Couple (if lady isn't available, changes can be made for one person) Contractor (inside house): Okay, we need a color for the wall in the living room. (walks to space that is living room). Wife: I like white. Husband: No, how about blue? Wife: How 'bout tan? Husband: Okay. Contractor: Okay...(writes down on paper) um.. wait just a second. The contractor goes to the window looks out, he opens the window leans out and shouts, "Green side up!" This repeats for two more rooms. Each time after the Contractor says "Green Side Up", couple converses between themselves and are not sure about the sanity of the contractor. After the last room: Husband: Mr. (whatever you want his name to be), why do you keep yelling "Green Side Up!" outside the window? We didn't order any green wall paper!?! The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 34 -January 1997

Contractor: Oh. I am sorry folks. Boy scout troop is being lead by Scout Master and we just want to make sure the sod gets laid down right.--- Thanks to Josh Small

The Greyhound Bus

Cast: Shopper with a BIG package higher than his head, Pedestrian, People who are Cars and One Bus Setting: Busy Intersection Cars and trucks whiz by and don't stop for pedestrians. Shopper: Excuse me, Sir, could you tell me when there's nothing coming down the street, so that I may cross? Pedestrian: Sure. (Pauses until cars stop whizzing by. Bus begins coming down the street.) Now you can cross. There's only a dog coming. (He begins to cross; bus hits him.) New Setting: Hospital Ward Pedestrian: (To shopper in bed) Gee, I'm really sorry about what happened to you. Shopper: It's all right. These things happen once in a while. But tell me, why did you say there was a dog coming down the street when it was really a bus? Pedestrian: Well, it was a Greyhound!

The Growing Machine

The cardboard box needs to be large enough to hold one of the players and various props. "Load" it and push it on stage, where a narrator explains that this marvelous machine has been invented by tonight's guest, Professor..., who will demonstrate its tremendous powers. He introduces the professor, who enters carrying a bag of his props. The professor explains he has invented a wonderful machine that makes things grow. He proceeds to demonstrate. He pulls a small piece of paper from his sack, pushes buttons, etc., and throws in the piece of paper (sound effects, flashing lights). The player inside throws out a paperback book. The demonstration continues with small ball in, large ball out; piece of string in, hunk of rope out; etc. Finally, the professor throws in a baby doll. The player inside jumps out in baby clothes, cries "Daddy!", and chases him off stage. -- Thanks to the Leader Magazine, May 1989

The Hair Cut Machine

The cardboard box needs to be large enough for a player to poke in his head. Face the opening away from the audience. Set up a striped pole and use a few other barbershop props. The "customer" wears a tight fitting light-colored bathing cap to hide his hair and, over the cap, a long scraggly wig loose-fitting enough that he can shake it off when he needs to but well enough anchored that it won't fly off too early. Barber is on stage. Customer enters and asks for a hair cut. Barber checks him out, announces he thinks this is a job for his brand new haircut machine, and convinces the customer to try it. Customer sticks his head into the back of the box and barber turns it on (sound effects). Customer yells, flails, flops and goes through incredible contortions, shaking off the wig in the process. Barber, unperturbed, turns off the machine. Customer pulls out "bald" head and races screaming off stage. -- Thanks to the Leader Magazine, May 1989

Hairy Hamburger

A man sits down in a restaurant and orders a hamburger. The waiter bring out his hamburger. The man starts eating his hamburger and finds a hair in it; complains to waiter and another one is brought out. The second hamburger has a hair in it and is taken back. The third hamburger also has a hair in it. The man gets upset and demands to see the cook. The cook comes out and the man asks him how he makes his hamburgers. The cook says that all he does is roll the meat and demonstrates making patties by placing the meat under his arm and squeezes.

Harlem Globetrotters

Three scouts are doing laundry, each is sitting behind a bucket which holds his "laundry". Two of the buckets really have water and a rag or two. All three work at scrubbing and wringing water from their laundry for a few seconds. One sitting on the end shakes the water from his hands getting his neighbor slightly wet. This provokes the scout in the middle who retaliates with a splash back ... escalate in comedic fashion till the one on the end throws a wet rag at the face of the "scout" in the middle who ducks. The rag sails on till it smacks the scout on the The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 35 -January 1997

far end (previously not involved in the water fight) in the face. The smack-ee picks up his bucket to dump on the others who take flight into the audience. The Punch line: When the actors are in the crowd the smack-ee tosses the contents of his bucket in a wide arc over as much of the audience as possible. In the version I saw the bucket was filled with pieces of newspaper but in a Scouting setting a bucket full of leaves would work just a well. If the actors have a little talent and practice this can be extremely funny.

Have You Seen my Belly Button?

Cast: Dog owner, Passengers on bus, stuffed animal Setting: City Bus Owner goes around on the bus asking people if they've seen his Belly Button. Some ignore him, women gasp, people are horrified, some respond, "The nerve of him!" "How crude!" "What a rude person!" Finally he spots the toy and exclaims, Person: Ah! Belly Button! There you are, you bad dog!

The Heart Attack

Cast: Heart Attack Victim, 2 "Rescuers" Setting: City Street HAV is walking down the street and all of a sudden, he falls to the ground, holding his chest. Two men come up and seeing this, they begin CPR. #1: Mister! (Claps hands.) Hmm. Check for breathing! I'll check for a pulse! (nothing) We need to do CPR. Give AR! #2: (Does two breaths) #1: (Pumping chest, counting aloud) 1,2,3,4....15! Again! (Repeats 3 times; then checks; then.) #1: Okay -- check for breathing, and I'll check for a pulse! (They check.) Nothing! Switch! All THREE, including victim, switch places!

Heaven's Gate

You can get your favorite leader or friend with this one. Need: 5 or more scouts (1 is an announcer, 1 is an Angel). Announcer: Here we are at the Gates of Heaven. Scout 1: (Walks up to angel at gate) Hello, I see I've come to Heaven. Angel: Well, you're not in yet ! First you've got to tell me how you suffered on Earth. Scout 1: Well, I spent a week eating camp food. Angel: I'm sorry, you haven't suffered enough. (Scout 1 exits dejectedly.) Scout 2: (Enters) Hi, I'm here to get into Heaven. Angel: Fine, fine. And how have you suffered ? Scout 2: I went on a long hike and got blisters all over my feet. Angel: Sorry. That's not enough suffering to get into Heaven. (Scout 2 exits) Scout 3: (Enters) Can I get into Heaven ? Angel: How did you suffer ? Scout 3: I'm in (Pick someone's name who can take a joke) (troop/pack/six/class, etc.) Angel: Well, come on in !! -- From The U.S. Scouting Service Project

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Herman, The Trained Flea

The trainer has a flea various tricks, when suddenly he loses Herman, his trained flea. He searches around for Herman, calling for him, eventually a person is brought forward with a flea in his hair. The punch line is, "This isn't Herman!"

Hiccup for Me

A boy comes out and says something like, "Hic - I can't - Hic - get rid of these Hic-ups". Another person comes out and asks what wrong. He is told and yells "BOO!" to help the boy get rid of his hiccups. It didn't work. Several more people try various methods to get rid of the hiccups and they are fail. Last method is tried and seems to work, but just as he leaves the stage starts hiccuping again, so he falls to the floor in despair.

The Highest Tree climber in the World

Again, this can be a 2-person skit. Cast: 2 Friends, HTCITW Setting: Campfire Tree climber is hidden in the woods and is able to ruffle a bush or tree. 1: You know, they say there's this really good tree climber trying out for the Olympics. I wonder if he's practicing around here? 2: Call out and see! 1: Hey! Tree Climber! You around here? Climber: Yep! 1: You practicing? Climber: Yep! 1: How high are you? Climber: Oh, not high. About 100 feet. 1: Wow! Can you go higher? Climber: Yep! (Ruffles tree.) Now I'm at about 200 feet. 1: Fantastic! Can you go higher? Climber: Yep! (Ruffles tree.) Now I'm at about 275 feet. 1: Neato! Can you go higher? Climber: Yep! (Ruffles tree.) Now I'm at about 325 feet. 1: Great! Can you go higher? Climber: Yep! (Ruffles tree.) Now I'm at about 400 feet. 1: Gee! I'm amazed! 2: Excuse me, Sir, but I have a book here that says that the highest tree in the world is only 360 feet high! Climber: Ahhhhhh!!!!!! (Thump!)

A Hot Meal!

This one is just too gross. Don't read this one while eating lunch! Version 1: Cast: 3 Lost Campers Setting: Woods #1: #2: #3: #1: #2: #3: #1: Boy, am I hungry! We haven't eaten in days! Me too. And I would just love a hot meal. (Looking to ground) Wow! A rabbit! Jump it! (#1 & 2 jump it and catch it; they start to eat it.) (Looking back at #3) Would you like some? No thanks, I'm waiting for a hot meal. Suit yourself.

(A little later) #2: Hey! A squirrel! Get it! (#1 & 2 get it and start tearing it apart) #1: (To #3) Would you like a morsel? #3: No thanks, I'm waiting for a hot meal. (A little later) The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 37 -January 1997

#1: Wow! A moose! #2: Be very quiet. (#1 & 2 jump it and kill it; they start eating it) #1: Look, there's plenty here, we don't need to keep it all to ourselves, even if we did get this without your help. There's too much to eat anyway. Want any? #3: No thanks, I'm waiting for a hot meal. #2: Are you sure? You haven't eaten anything for even longer than us two. #3: No thanks, I'm waiting for a hot meal. (After a while,) #1: Boy, I'm stuffed. #2: Me too. But I think I'm getting sick. (Throws up.) #1: I'm sick, too. (Throws up.) #3: Wow! A hot meal! Version 2: Cast: 5 People, Cabby Setting: Outside of Restaurant #1: #2: #3: #4: #5: Boy, what a meal. I really gorged myself. Me too. Eating that much makes it hard to walk. Let's get a cab. Agreed. Taxi!

(They all get in.) Cabby: Get ready for a good ride, boys. The cabby pantomimes driving, going along like a race driver, swerving from side to side, up and down hills, does a real roller coaster ride. Sort of like my driving, if you've experienced it. The people swerve left to right with the driver, all hanging on to dear life and lunch, until they all throw up. Cabby: Wow! A five course meal!

How do I do That?

There are roughly 255 quintillion quazillion variations of this skit out on the market, including robbers, suicide pills, car crashes and so on. You may more commonly know this one as "Veech Boton?" I'll give you the version I learned and the only non-rancid version I've seen yet. [This is also similar to "Submarine Patrol" here in the Big Book.] Version 1: Cast: 5 Guys kneeling in line (1st is captain, last is dummy) Setting: Submarine Captain: (Looking through periscope) Aim torpedo 1! 2: Aim torpedo 1! 3: Aim torpedo 1! 4: Aim torpedo 1! 5: How do I do that? 4: How do I do that? 3: How do I do that? 2: How do I do that? Captain: With button 1! And so on down the line. 5: Oh! (Presses button 1.) (Poof!) Captain: Ahch! We missed! And so on down the line. Captain: Fire torpedo 2! And so on down the line, after which is, "How do I do that?" "With button 2!" on down the line. Continue down through to torpedo 4 (or 5 or however many,) each time the captain becoming more frustrated and annoyed The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 38 -January 1997

and calling the guy names etc. Each exclamation, for the best effect, should be repeated down the line. Finally, they run out of torpedoes and then... Captain: The only thing left to do now is to kill myself (shoots himself.) And so on down the line. 5: How do I do that? Version 2: Same kind of situation, but this time it's a bunch of garbage collectors, racing their truck down their route. Driver: Okay! Try the first one! (They miss.) Others: Darn! Next time we'll get it right! (And so on at every stop.) Finally... Driver: Well, guys, we missed all of the garbage stops. I guess the only honorable thing to do is to pick up the garbage properly! (And they do.)

How Indians Tell Time at Night

The Master of Ceremonies announces that the next skit as, "How Indians tell time in the dark". He recruits a few scout to dance (Indian style) around the campfire fire and Indian chanting at the same time. The MC stops and says "listen" hearing nothing he says this is not working. He then recruits more volunteers, dance sing chant, etc. He stops the group to listen, (still nothing). He gets even more volunteers, repeat dance, sing chant, the final time when he stops the group to listen someone from offstage yells: "Would you be quiet! Don't you know its 2:00 o'clock in the morning?"

How to Make the Team

Two boys, one eats vegetables, exercises, ballerate (ballet & karate), runs (gets a kid to chase him homeschool bully). The other kid eats candy bars, plays baseball with guys. First guy (vegetable eater) makes the team and the other kid doesn't. The other kid says; "What did I do wrong? Whaaa ! ! !"

How to Wash An Elephant

Before introducing this stunt, choose three people to leave the room. They should not overhear the narrator. Narrator explains to audience that the stunt is called "How to Wash an Elephant", a classic example in communications. He tells the following story and pantomimes the motions as he goes. Narrator: One morning, Farmer Friendly went out to the barn to begin his chores (pantomime walking). He threw open the barn door, and to his surprise, he found an elephant in his barn (pantomime throwing open door, surprise). The farmer didn't know what to do with the elephant so he decided that the first thing to do was to wash it. He led the elephant from the barn (pick up the elephant's trunk and walking with it over your shoulder, open and close barn door). He left the elephant near the pump, got a bucket and scrub brush and pumped the bucket full of water (pantomime the actions). Now he was ready to begin. First he scrubbed the left side (lift up elephant's ear and wash that). Then he was ready for the stomach (lie down on floor; wriggle under elephant and scrub underside). Next, the right side (repeat actions as for left side). Then he scrubbed the elephant's face (pantomime scrubbing between eyes and down length of trunk). Almost done (walk to rear of the elephant, gingerly lift up tail and quickly scrub there). There, that's done! (Pantomime throwing out rest of water, putting the brush in bucket and setting bucket beside pump. Take the elephant by his trunk and lead him back to the barn, open door, lead him in, go out and shut door behind.) Narrator tells audience he will call people back in, one by one, and pantomime the stunt, without benefit of narrative. The first person will do what he remembers for the second person, and so on. He will, of course, have no idea what the motions mean, so it can be very funny. By the time the actions are pantomimed for the third person, it will be distorted and bear little resemblance to the original version. After all three have tried their luck, the narrator explains the story and tells them what they were doing.

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I Gotta Go Wee

Five guys sleeping in a tent, all in a row. The scoutmaster on one end, the little scout on the other. The little scout climbs over all the other sleeping scouts, who try to remain asleep, and shakes the scoutmaster. "Scoutmaster! Scoutmaster! I gotta go wee!" "Huh? Wha? Go back to sleep." The little scout crawls back over everyone and goes back to sleep for 5 seconds. The little scout climbs over all the other sleeping scouts, who try to remain asleep, and shakes the scoutmaster. "Scoutmaster! Scoutmaster! I gotta go wee!" "Huh? Wha? Go back to sleep." The little scout crawls back over everyone and goes back to sleep for 5 seconds. The little scout climbs over all the other sleeping scouts, who try to remain asleep, and shakes the scoutmaster. "Scoutmaster! Scoutmaster! I gotta go wee!" "OK! OK!", says the scoutmaster, "If you've gotta go, then go." The little scout stands up and waves his hands in the air: "Weee!!!!" -- Thanks to Bob Jenkins

Igor

No props are needed, although the actors can make up bits of costumes that emphasize their roles. The evil professor can wear a long white lab coat. Some rehearsal is wise, to get the most out of each performance. A large Scout lies stiffly in the middle of the stage. The Professor enters and introduces himself, giving a very Russian-sounding name. He boasts about his great abilities and how he will prove that he is the greatest scientist in the world. He has created a monster named Igor, who can obey three different commands! With these commands, the Professor will control the world. The Professor is interrupted by a loud knock on the door (from off-stage). A Scout enters, trying to sell a subscription to home delivery of the local newspaper. The Professor refuses, but the Scout persists. The Professor turns to the audience and says, "Now you will see what I can do with my monster!" He turns and points to Igor and says, "Igor! Stand!" Igor slowly stands up. The Professor says, "Igor! Walk!" Igor stiffly walks toward the Scout. He says, "Igor! Kill!" Igor reaches out and strangles the Scout, who dies with a great show of anguish. "Ha! Ha!" says the Professor, "Now you see what I have achieved! Now you know that I can control the world with Igor and my three commands!" Igor slowly goes back and lies down. The scene is repeated at least twice more, with a Girl Scout selling cookies, a religious zealot, a vote-seeking politician, or a door-to-door salesman. Each time, the Professor boasts, he is interrupted by a persistent salesman, and he uses the three commands. Each salesman is killed off. The Professor finally comes to the front of the stage, with Igor lying among the bodies behind him. He boasts again about his three commands, and how he will use them to control the world. All he has to do is say, "Igor! Stand!" Igor stands. "Igor! Walk!" Igor walks toward the Professor, who does not notice him. "Igor! Kill!" Igor kills the Professor, turns, and lies back down.

I'm Gonna Get You!

Cast: Murderer, BUTTER knife, Jar of peanut butter, Sleeping Family Members Setting: In House at Night When All Are Asleep Thief is looking around the house, with a flashlight perhaps and holding the BUTTER knife (anything else would be overkill, and dangerous) and is always saying, "I'm gonna get you!" in a way that COULD suggest he's trying to find the members to kill them in their sleep. Be CAREFUL to only make references that are VERY vague. He goes around in the different rooms of the house, sometimes saying, "Not here," perhaps in reference to sleeping people. Finally, Murderer: Ahh! They sure do keep the peanut butter in a crazy place in this house! (Starts to enjoy the PB using the butter knife.)

I'm Russian!

One of those skits that may be inappropriate. Cast: 4 Russians, 1 Person late for work All actors come out one at a time, using Russian accents except the last person. #1: (Comes out) I'm Russian! #2: I'm Russian! Thank you! (Bows.) #3: I'm Russian! Qvestions? The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 40 -January 1997

#4: I'm Russian! #5: I'm late for work and I'm rushin' too!

The Important Papers

The setting can be either a king or a boss in his office who beckons to a courtier or assistant that he wants his royal or important papers. The person runs in with a sheath of papers, the king or boss quite agitated tosses them aside and demands that they bring him his important papers. Other people bring in other things one at a time such as a Boy Scout Handbook etc. the king throws them aside and gets more and more upset demanding that he have his important papers. At last the some one comes in with a roll of toilet paper (court jester, office boy etc.). The king knights him or the boss promotes him thanking him profusely and runs off the stage in visible relief.

The Important Meeting

Scene: Six to eight players sit around a table scattered with papers, a couple of water glasses, etc. They mime a discussion, some jotting down notes, etc. Enter the narrator, outfitted as a news reporter. In confidential tones, the reporter explains that this is an important meeting of the group committee, gathered on this occasion to make some very important decisions. As the narrator says something like, "Let's see if we can get a bit closer to hear how things are going", the group at the table add some mumbling and unintelligible arguing to their mime. Occasionally, they punctuate the din with outbursts such as, "No, no!"; "I disagree!"; "That's better"; "No way!"; "That might work" and the like. Finally, the hubbub dies, the group settles back. One member stands and announces, "Then it's decided; a 12-slice pizza with olives, mushrooms, lots of cheese, but hold the pepperoni." All: Agreed!

In the Furniture Store

You need a furniture store salesman and a customer who knows what is happening. Before the salesman can sell anything, he needs stock. Call for volunteers from the audience: four to lie down to make the rug; three to crouch as the couch; one or two chairs; a lamp; and most important, one good natured fellow to get down on all fours as the coffee table. When all are ready, a customer enters and asks to see a couch. The salesman shows him the furniture, extolling its high quality and low price. He pays particular attention to the coffee table: beautiful, sturdy, mark and mar-proof, etc. The customer shows some interest. The salesman pats and wiggles the coffee table to show how firm and steady it is, then picks up a cup (empty) and says something like, "See this cup of water? Pretend it's coffee. When it sits on this table, you know it will never spill!" He places the cup between the shoulder blades of the coffee table and jiggles it gently. "See!" The customer says he'll think about it and leaves. The dejected salesman dismisses all the furniture except the coffee table and leaves. The coffee table tries to figure out how he will get up without spilling what he thinks is a cup of water all over himself. Cheer him on!

The Infantry

A variation of the Viper. A scout runs in to a camp of soldiers yelling "The infantry is coming! The infantry is five miles away!" The soldiers look up, mumble, and act nervous. A scout runs into the camp of soldiers yelling "The infantry is coming! The infantry is one mile away!" The soldiers stand up and start gathering their gear. A scout runs into the camp of soldiers yelling "The infantry is coming! They're just over the hill!" All the soldiers scream and run away, opposite direction that the scout came from. Two people run in from the direction the scouts came from, carrying an infant tree. They run after the soldiers. -- Thanks to Bob Jenkins Version 2: Cast: 3-4 People, Person carrying a sapling #1: (Runs in) The Infantry is coming! Go to the bomb shelters! #2: (A moment later, runs in) The Infantry is coming! Save yourselves! #3: (A moment later, runs in) The Infantry is coming! Let's help them! #4: (A moment later, runs in) The Infantry is coming! Let's watch the tanks! (A moment later) Person: And here it is, the Infant Tree.

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The Injury

One person is laying on the floor. Two other people walk up. First person: "Hey this guy is hurt." he goes and checks his heart beat. First person: "No heart beat, help me do CPR" Second person goes down and starts pumping on the chest and the first guy does the mouth blows. Do this for a little while. Second person: "I'm getting kind of tired here I think it is time to switch." First person: "OK, ready" At this point the person on the ground gets up, one of the other people goes down and they start doing CPR again. There you go, this is a good skit to do with leaders. -- Thanks to Chris Hennessy

The Inspection

Cast: Leader, 3-4 Kids in messy uniforms, missing hats, inside out, not tucked in, and so on, and One Kid in perfect, full uniform Setting: Meeting Hall Leader: Troop! (Does the sign.) Line up for inspection. Kid in perfect uniform is at end of line. Leader checks each one, says "Hmm," at each one, writes down something. Gets to last kid. Leader: Johnny! You're in perfect uniform! How many times will it take for you to get it right! You make the others look bad!

Intelligence

Two ditch diggers are digging a ditch when their boss walks by and then just stands around. One digger turns to the other and ask why they have to do all the work, while the boss gets paid more. The other man does not know and suggest the he go ask the boss. He then asks the boss, who explains its "intelligence". The worker asks "what do you mean?. The boss says "let me demonstrate it to you" whereupon he puts his hand against a tree and tells the worker to hit his hand as hard as he can. When the worker tries, the boss pulls his hand away, and the worker hits the tree instead. The boss says, "You see that's intelligence, now go back to work!". When he returns to the ditch, the other man asks him what the answer is. The injured worker explains its "inteelgence". He explains to the other worker by putting his hand on the front of his own face and says: "See this hand, hit it as hard as you can!"

In the Furniture Store

You need a furniture store salesman and a customer who knows what is happening. Before the salesman can sell anything, he needs stock. Call for volunteers from the audience: four to lie down to make the rug; three to crouch as the couch; one or two chairs; a lamp; and most important, one good natured fellow to get down on all fours as the coffee table. When all are ready, a customer enters and asks to see a couch. The salesman shows him the furniture, extolling its high quality and low price. He pays particular attention to the coffee table: beautiful, sturdy, mark and mar-proof, etc. The customer shows some interest. The salesman pats and wiggles the coffee table to show how firm and steady it is, then picks up a cup (empty) and says something like, "See this cup of water? Pretend it's coffee. When it sits on this table, you know it will never spill!" He places the cup between the shoulder blades of the coffee table and jiggles it gently. "See!" The customer says he'll think about it and leaves. The dejected salesman dismisses all the furniture except the coffee table and leaves. The coffee table tries to figure out how he will get up without spilling what he thinks is a cup of water all over himself. Cheer him on! ---- Thanks to the Leader Magazine, January 1990

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The Invisible Bench

Need: 4 (or more) scouts . First boy is squatting as though sitting on an invisible bench. The second boy comes in and asks what the first is doing. "I'm sitting on the invisible bench." "Can I join you?" "Sure, there's plenty of room." Second boy pretends to sit. A third boy comes along, and the scene repeats. Go on for as many boys as you want. When the last boy comes along, asks and is answered, he says "But I moved it over there this morning!" AAAAHHHHHH!!!! All seated boys fall down. -- Thanks to Richard A Quinnell, Pack 609 Monterey Bay Area Council

Is a Train Passing Today?

Otherwise known as "Is The Train Comin'?" in the Leader Magazine. One of those skits rarely done yet quite funny if done right. Cast: Grandma, Grandpa Setting: Train Station Grandma: (In old voice) Grandpa, is a train passing from the south today? Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the south, returns, and in an old voice,) No, Grandma. Grandma: Grandpa, is a train passing from the north today? Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the north, returns.) No, Grandma. Grandma: Grandpa, is a train passing from the east today? Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the east, returns.) No, Grandma. Grandma: Grandpa, is a train passing from the west today? Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the west, returns.) No, Grandma. Grandma: Good. We can cross the tracks now.

Is Captain Kidd Afraid of Himself?

Cast: Captain Kidd, Other people walking by, Mirror Setting: Street C.K.: I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest, ugliest pirate to roam the seas. Watch this. (Tries to scare first man walking by.) Man: I'm not scared of you! C.K. keeps on trying to scare people going to work ("Late for work!") walking the dog (Dog runs up and starts to play with C.K.) kids (they laugh, "Hey! Halloween isn't till next month!") and so on. Finally, he's quite dismayed. C.K.: Hmm. Maybe I'm not so scary after all. Maybe I should go into movies. (Looks at himself in the mirror.) Ahhh! (Runs away scared.)

Is It Time Yet?

Version 1: Have several boys standing in a line (facing the audience) with one arm on the next boys shoulder. The first boy in line looks at the second and asks the second boy, "IS it time yet?" The second boy asks the third boy the same question and so on down the line. The boy at the end of the line looks at his watch and says to the boy next to him, "No, its not time yet," and this continues on up the line to the first boy in the line again with each boy saying it in turn. This can continue a couple times; then when it gets to the last boy, he says, "It's time!" and when the message gets back to the first boy each boy moves his arm from the other's shoulder and puts his other arm on the boy next to him.

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Version 2: Line of 5-8 Scouts standing with left foot crossed over right, right arm crossed over left. First Scout in line asks: "IS IT TIME YET?" Second Scout asks third, etc down the line. Last Scout says: "NO" Word is passed back to the first Scout, one Scout at a time. After a lonnnnnnnng pause, First Scout asks: "IS IT TIME YET?" It goes down the line as before. Last Scout says: "NO" Again and the word is passed back. Another long pause............... First Scout asks again: "IS IT TIME YET?" etc and, Last Scout says: "YES" the answer is passed back. Just after the first Scout gets the word, they all change to right foot over left and left arm over right. Version 3: Text from Best of Leader Magazine Cut Out pages: Six to ten players sit in a line facing the audience, legs stretched out in front of them, left leg crossed over right at the ankle. The player at one end asks the one beside him, "Is it time yet?" The question passes from person to person down the line. The last player looks at his watch and tells the person beside him, "No, not yet." The reply passes from player to player back up the line to the first person. Players send question and answer up and down the line three or four times, each time becoming more and more impatient and fidgety. Finally, the end player replies, "Yes, it's time now." The news passes from one to another up the line to the first player who says, "Oh, thank goodness!" At this point, all the players uncross their legs and re-cross them right over left.

I Gotta Go Weee!

Cast: Patrol asleep (ie. lying down) in tent Scout 1: Scouter, I gotta go wee! Scouter: Go back to sleep. Scout 1: (A little later) Scouter, I gotta go wee! Scouter: Go back to sleep! Other Scouts wake up and mumble, "Aw, keep quiet," "Stop whining," "You're keeping us awake," etc. Scout 1: (A little later) Scouter, I gotta go wee! Scouter: (Annoyed) Go back to sleep! Other Scouts wake up and mumble, "Aw, keep quiet," "Stop whining," "You're keeping us awake," etc.) (continues once or twice more. Finally, Scout 1: But Scouter, I really gotta go Wee! Scouter: (Really annoyed and exasperated) Fine, Johnny, GO WEE! Scout 1: (Sits up, starts wiggling arms and calls out,) WEEEEE! WWWEEEEEEEEEEE!

J.C. Penney

Version 1: One Scout is standing on stage. A Second Scout walks up. The First Scout says, "Those are nice shoes. Where did you get them?" The Second Scout says, "J. C. Penny [J.C. Penny is a department store in the USA.] " and walks off. A Third Scout walks up. The First Scout says, "That's a nice shirt. Where did you get it?" The Third Scout says, "J. C. Penny" and walks off. A Fourth Scout walks up. The First Scout says, "That's a nice pair of pants. Where did you get them?" The Fourth Scout says, "J. C. Penny" and walks off. A Sixth Scout walks up. The First Scout says, "That's a nice hat. Where did you get it?" The Sixth Scout says, "J. C. Penny" and walks off. A Seventh Scout walks up wearing only a towel. The First Scout says, "Who are you?" The Seventh Scout says, "I'm J. C. Penny."

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Version 2: Cast: Person standing on street, 3 Friends passing by, JC Penny in underwear/swim suit only Setting: Street Corner Remember that all of the friends come from the same side of the stage, and leave on the same other side (ie. all are walking in the same direction.) Person: Hey, Frank! Nice to see you! Hey, I like those shoes! Where'd you get them? Frank: JC Penney! Look, I gotta run! Bye! Another friend comes up. Person: John! Nice shirt! Where did you get it? John: JC Penney! Real nice clothes! See you! Another friend shows up. Person: Steve! Hey! The pants! I love 'em. Where'd you get 'em? Steve: JC Penney! Bye! JC Penney comes running through. Person: Hey! Who are you? Why are you running around like that? JC: I'm JC Penney! I'm trying to get my clothes back!

Join the Army!

Cast: Army Recruiter, Trainees Setting: Gymnasium Recruiter: (To audience) Join the army and learn some great skills! You can become rough and tough like me! For instance, you can learn wrestling! (Two trainees wrestle on the floor) And how about judo! (Trainees do a judo flip) And Tai-Chi! (Trainees do Tai-Chi moves.) And my personal favorite, Karate! (Tries a Karate chop on a trainee; trainee blocks it, recruiter hurts himself and runs away crying.)

Joke Teller

A patrol of scouts are sitting around the campfire, eating their dinner. Every once in a while an older scout will yell out a number and all of the scout will laugh hysterically. All except one new scout who just looks around. Finally after three or four numbers have been yelled he the new scout ask his patrol leader about what is going on. The Patrol leader explains that at some camps they got in trouble for the jokes they told so they memorized the jokes. Each member just says a number in order to tell a joke. The Patrol leader gives the new scout a book of jokes to learn. The new scout finds a joke and yells "52". Nothing happens. He asks the patrol leader why no one laughed. The patrol leader says: "Some guys just don't know how to tell a joke!"

Jumbo Burgers

Cast: 2 People, Radio Voice Setting: Park #1: Boy, what a lunch! Those Jumbo Burgers were really strange -- but good. I wonder why they wouldn't tell us what kind of meat was in it? #2: Oh, you know, they tell that, then people will expect the kinds of spices and other ingredients they put in and they'll lose their secret recipe. #1: You're right. But I'm still curious. #2: Yeah, but forget it. Maybe we'll go back tomorrow and have another. Let's turn on the radio. Radio Voice: Jumbo the Elephant from Lodge's traveling circus died last night during a performance from a heart attack. And for this week's "Poor Taste" award, given to restaurants for serving poor quality food, goes to Richi's Burger House. It appears that they have been serving "Jumbo Burgers" whose origins seem to be a little vague .... (Guys realize what they ate and start to throw up.)

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The Jump

One of those exceptionally good skits that is known out there but strangely is rarely ever done; always a hit. (Probably any good joke makes an exceptional skit; the key is not repeating it too often.) Cast: Reporter, Doctor, Bus driver, Pilot, Mechanic, Cook, Tax Consultant (and/or just about whoever you need -- the only constant is the Reporter.) Setting: Cliff Reporter: I haven't had a single story in weeks, so I'm going to commit suicide by jumping off this cliff. (Swings arms to 1,2,3) One ... Two ... (Suddenly,) Doctor: Hey! What are you doing? Reporter: I haven't had a single story in weeks, so I'm going to commit suicide by jumping off this cliff. Why are you here? Doctor: I haven't had a patient come to visit me in weeks. And I goofed all of the operations I've filled in for. Hey! Why don't we commit suicide together? Reporter: That sounds great. (They swing arms to 1,2,3) One ... Two ... Bus Driver: Hey! What are you doing? Reporter: I haven't had a single story in weeks, so I'm going to commit suicide by jumping off this cliff. Doctor: I haven't had a patient come to visit me in weeks. And I goofed all of the operations I've filled in for. So we're going to commit suicide by jumping off this cliff. Why are you here? Bus Driver: I keep on having accidents with my bus, so they fired me. Hey! Why don't we commit suicide together? Reporter and Doctor: That sounds great. (They swing arms to 1,2,3) One ... Two ... Pilot comes in at the same time and asks what's going on -- same thing happens, he gets asked why he's here, so he says that he keeps on crashing planes. They all are about to jump when the cook comes in, and the same thing happens, and he says that he always burns the food he cooks. They all are about to jump when the tax consultant comes in and explains, the same way the others did, that he keeps giving bad tax advice and the government is jailing his customers for tax fraud. Finally, they all are about to jump, and they do -- except for the reporter who says, Reporter: Hey! What a story!

Karate Orientale

Once done with a Pirate theme whereby instead of having a karate expert, had a pirate who was good with a sword. No change in progression or punchline, though. Cast: Karate Expert, 3 Muggers, 1 Mugger with a gun Expert: I now can feel safe when I walk through the park and not have to worry about muggers now that I know karate from all over the world. For instance,(mugger sneaks up to him, gets a karate chop,) Hiii-Ya! I learned that Japanese Karate Chop in Osaka, Japan. (Another mugger sneaks up.) I learned this --(flips him) -the Chinese Mugger Flip -- in Southern China. (Yet another mugger sneaks up.) I learned the Round the World Kick, like this one (does a turn & kicks him) in Korea. So you see, I'm quite safe in the Park. Suddenly another mugger runs in and shoots the expert dead. Mugger: That was a shot from a .45 special I got from the Sears Catalogue!

Keep Canada Beautiful Contest

Otherwise known as "The Contest" in the Leader Magazine. Text from The Best of the Leader Cut Out Pages. You could just as easily do this as Keep America Beautiful or any other country for that matter. Cast: 6 Cubs Setting: Five Cubs Sitting in Their Clubhouse (indicated by appropriate signs) playing a game. Cub 1: (Runs in, very excited) Hey, you guys! Did you hear about the big contest? Cub 2: What contest? What's it about? Cub 1: The "Keep Canada Beautiful Contest," that's what! Cub 3: Are there prizes? A contest is no good without prizes. Cub 1: Sure, lots of prizes. Neat ones like bicycles and radios, and lots of good stuff! Cub 4: (Gloomily) I bet it's hard. Contests with neat prizes are always hard. Cub 1: Nope! It's easy. Even the rules say it's SIMPLE -- in big letters. The winner is the one who picks the easiest way. Cub 5: The easiest way to do what? Cub 1: The easiest way to keep Canada Beautiful. That's what I've been talking about! The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 46 -January 1997

Cub 6: (With a swagger) Ha! Then I'm a cinch to win! Cub 1: Why's it so cinchy for you? What's your great way to keep Canada beautiful? Cub 6: (Takes out comb and combs his hair) See! That's the easiest way I know to keep Canada Beautiful. The others look at him, then at each other. Quickly they surround him, carry or drag him to a large box marked TRASH, and dump him in. Cub 1: Like he said, fellahs, we're a cinch to win! That's the easiest way I know to keep Canada beautiful. (they exit, laughing while Cub 6 stands up in the trash box with a disgusted look on his face.)

Knot Demonstration

A person comes out with a length of rope. He proceeds to give a knot demonstration some of which do not turn the way he expects. He has creative and imaginative names for his knots such as the double hitch back loop tie, clove hitch with a triple loop bight, etc. The last knot he ties is one that he says that a person can't loosen. The more they try to loosen the knot the more it tightens. He demonstrates a temporary version of this around his neck. He pulls on the knot when he is finishes and exclaims, "Oh no, I've tied the wrong knot, I've tied the permanent version, and leaves the stage choking.

The King's Raisins

"I am the King. Bring me my raisins!" First squire, "Here are raisins, sire, from the hills of California!" "Those raisins are not fit for peasants! Bring me my raisins!" Second squire, "Here are raisins, sire, from the vineyards of France!" The King, "They are hardly worth sneezing at. Bring me my raisins!" Third squire ,"These raisins, sire, were hand-picked with tweezers by Benedictine Monks in Germany! " The King, "These are the worst yet! Bring me my royal raisin supplier!" Two guys drag in the royal raisin supplier The King, "Why have you not brought me my raisins?" Royal raisin supplier, "My rabbit died!" -- Thanks to Bob Jenkins

Knot Demonstration

A person comes out with a length of rope. He proceeds to give a knot demonstration some of which do not turn the way he expects. He has creative and imaginative names for his knots such as the double hitch back loop tie, clove hitch with a triple loop bight, etc. The last knot he ties is one that he says that a person can't loosen. The more they try to loosen the knot the more it tightens. He demonstrates a temporary version of this around his neck. He pulls on the knot when he is finishes and exclaims, "Oh no, I've tied the wrong knot, I've tied the permanent version, and leaves the stage choking.

The Land Shark

The scene is a living room with a radio playing. A Scout is changing stations. There is an announcement, read from off stage: "We interrupt this station to bring you an important news bulletin. A criminal known as the Land Shark has been seen on the streets of this town! He knocks on the doors of suspecting people, disguises his voice, and upon entrance, devours them leaving no traces. If the Land Shark shows up at your door, do not open it, and call the police immediately. We now return you to our regularly scheduled broadcast." Scout, turning off radio: "I hope that Land Shark doesn't show up here." Three loud knocks are heard. "Who is it?" Offstage: "Pizza delivery" Scout: "Oh, great! Come on in!" He reaches offstage to open the door. Hands reach out and pull him off with a loud growl. Curtain closes. Curtain opens on another Scout: "I've heard so many rumors about that Land Shark. I'm curious." (Three loud knocks.) "Who is it?" Offstage: "Luke Paterson from Metropolitan Life." Scout: "What do you want?" Offstage: "I need to review your policy. Your never know when something might happen!" Scout: "Come in." Opens door. Loud growl. Grabbed and pulled offstage. Curtain closes. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 47 -January 1997

Curtain opens on an older Scout. He hears three knocks. "Who is it?" Offstage: "Pharmacy delivery." Scout: "I didn't order any medicine." Offstage: "Candygram." Scout: "From whom?" Offstage: "Plumber." Scout: "My pipes are fine! Say, I know who this is. It's that nasty Land Shark!" Offstage, in a small voice: "I'm only a guppy, sir." Scout: "Oh, all right. Come in, then." Opens the door and is pulled offstage. More growls. Curtain closes. Curtain opens on an old, sharp Scout. He hears three knocks. "Who is it?" Offstage: "Boy Scout Troop 144. Would you like to buy some fertilizer, sir?" Scout, looks at the audience and smiles knowingly: "Just a minute." He gets a large stick and prepares to hit the Shark. "Come in." He swings the stick offstage. There is a loud thump. A very young Scout in full uniform stumbles onto the stage and dramatically falls, face first.

The Lawn Mower I

One person bends over pantomiming a lawn mower. This "mower" rumbles and shakes, sputtering, as the gardener tries to start it. It doesn't start. Other members of the skit try to start it with no luck. The gardener chooses a volunteer out of the audience to try and start it and it starts up right away chugging along. The gardener explains all it took was a bigger JERK.

The Lawnmower II

(One participant is on his hands and knees as the mower.) Owner : (Yanking imaginary rope, while mower sputters) This darned old mower, I can't get it going. I need some help. (Gets help from another participant.) Helper #1: So you just want me to yank on this rope, and get it started ? That's easy ! (Yanking rope) Mower : (Splutters, bobs up and down) Helper #1: I'm sorry. I can't seem to do it. Have you checked the gas ? Owner : Yes, I have. Thanks anyway. Well, let's see who else has a strong arm. (Selects another participant) What I need you to do is to give a real good yank on the starting rope and make it run. Helper #2: Sure thing. (Yanks rope a couple of times.) Mower : (Bobs up and down, sputters, coughs) Helper #2: Sorry, I can't do it either. Owner : What I need is someone big and strong (Selects a Leader) (Leader will probably make some comments, but let him talk and get him to pull the rope) Mower : (Splutters, coughs, starts to vibrate and run) Owner : There. All it needed was a good jerk.

Learning English

Yet another which may be considered inappropriate. Cast: Narrator, French Person, Storekeeper, Border Guard Narrator: This man (indicate French person) wanted to learn English so that he could go to the US to do some shopping. So he went to a store and bought a radio (transaction made with shopkeeper.) He listened to it all the time until finally, when he thought that his English was good enough, he went to the border. Border Guard: Where are you going, Sir? Frenchman: (Crackles a response, like radio with bad reception.)

Learning the Alphabet

Cast: Teacher, Kid Setting: Classroom Kid: (To teacher) May I go to the washroom? Teacher: First you have to recite the alphabet. Kid recites the alphabet BUT leaves out the letter P. Teacher: You forgot the letter P. What happened to it? Kid: It's running down my pants! The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 48 -January 1997

Let Me Have It!

This is an old, old vaudeville stunt. It depends on the interaction between the players and the crowd. Overacting and showing off should be encouraged. The only prop needed is a length of rubber tubing, such as a piece of old bicycle inner tube. The skit should be practiced, both for the greatest effect and for the protection of the Scout, who must know how to absorb the blow. The Scout turns his back to the Master of Ceremonies. He bends partly forward, and pulls the tubing over his shoulder. When the tubing is released, he falls forward and rolls toward the opposite shoulder. If he holds the tube properly, it will fly over his shoulder with a 'Snap!' He will not be hurt unless he takes the blow squarely. The Master of Ceremonies should know what is going to happen and how he should act, but he does not have to know when he will receive his long-distance phone call. The Skit The Master of Ceremonies is presiding over a Court of Honor or a campfire. A Scout runs onto the stage and interrupts him dramatically, " I have a long distance telephone call for you!" The Scout has a length of rubber tubing. He hands one end to the MC, explaining that this is the phone line. "I'll get the line straightened out and connect you. When I say 'Ring-Ring', you hold it up to your ear and say 'Let me have it', and you'll get your call." The MC looks skeptical, looks at the Scout, then at the tube, then at the Scout again and finally agrees. The Scout stretches the line and says, "Ring- Ring". The MC looks at the audience, then at the Scout, and plays dumb. "What was I supposed to say?" The Scout walks back and repeats his instructions very patiently. He rehearses the MC, making him repeat the lines. They try again. The Scout stretches the line further than before. He says, "Ring-Ring". The MC forgets again. The Scout goes through it all again. This time he gets the audience to help by saying the key phrase, "Let me have it!" With a big grin for the audience, he repeats this several times. This time he stretches the tube to its limits, turning his back to the MC, bending over, and holding the tube over his shoulder. He looks at the audience. "Ready?" "Ready!" "Ring-Ring." The MC looks at the audience and grins. Now he understands. "Wait. What am I supposed to say?" The Scout frowns at the audience, loses his temper, and calls out, "Let Me Have It!" The MC lets go.

Letters from Home

Props: Two sheets of paper. Scott: (Enters) Gee, it's always nice to get a letter from home when you're at camp. Robin: (Enters) Hey, look, I got a letter from my Mom. Scott: Me too. Listen, my Mom says she's writing this letter slowly, because she knows I can't read fast. Robin: Mine says I won't know the house when I come home.. They've moved ! Scott: Oh, my Dad has a new job with 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Robin: Our neighbors started keeping pigs. Mom got wind of it this morning. Scott: Oh, my goodness. My little brother came home from school crying because all the other boys had new clothes and we can't afford any for him. Mom says she got him a new hat and lets him stand in the window. Robin: There was a washing machine in the new house. But my Mom put four shirts in it, pulled the handle and they disappeared. Guess it doesn't work right. Scott: My Mom had her appendix out and a dishwasher put in. And, oh, my sister had a baby this morning. Mom doesn't know if I'm an Aunt or and Uncle, because she doesn't know yet if it's a boy or a girl. Robin: Oh, dear, there's a P.S. It says, I was going to send you $ 10.00, but I had already sealed the envelope. Scott: Well, it's nice to know things are normal at home. Robin: Yep. (Both exit) (With this skit it is possible to put each boy's script on a sheet of paper, and they can read it out, as though they were reading the letter. They should rehearse, of course, to make it sound natural.)

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

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January 1997

Lie Detector

A transparent container (i.e. an old vase) and a coin with a string attached. The container sits on a table with a cloth over it. Have two guys start up a conversation where one tries to convince the other that the container and coin is a lie detector. The coin jumps up and down pulled by another person below the table when somebody tells the truth. The second guy doesn't believe the first guy that the vase is a lie detector. Punch line is that the boy with the container and coin says he isn't lying and that he hasn't lied in his whole life where the table falls over with the container revealing the boy underneath.

The Lighthouse Sketch

First of two guys: "This is the lighthouse sketch. We need a volunteer from the audience to be the lighthouse. Any volunteers?" (Pick a girl, but don't say you need a girl.) "OK, you are going to be the lighthouse. I need you to stand up straight right here, and don't move. Oh, you're moving! Stand straight and still." First guy: "Now we need to row out and light the lighthouse." The two guys sit on the floor, pretending to be in a rowboat. "Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!" They scoot along backwards to the lighthouse, like they are rowing a rowboat. First guy: "Now it's time to light the lighthouse. Matches! Matches?" Second guy, hitting his forehead: "We forgot the matches!" Pretend to row back to shore and get the matches, then row back First guy: "Matches? Good. Wick?" Second guy: "We forgot the wick!" Pretend to row back to shore and get the matches, then row back First guy: "We've got the wick now? Good. Matches? Second guy: "Um, ..." First guy> "You forgot the matches again." Second guy nods. Pretend to row back to shore and get the matches, then row back. First guy: "Matches." Second guy: "Matches." First guy: "Wick." Second guy: "Wick." First guy: "Finally! Now it's time to light the lighthouse!" Both guys kiss the girl on the cheeks, then run offstage as fast as they can. Hopefully the girl will blush, lighting the lighthouse.

The Lighthouse

See "The Olde Lighthouse" in this Big Book. Cast: 1 narrator 3-6 Scouts for the lighthouse walls 3-6 leaders, counselors, kitchen staff, etc., number to equal the Scouts and will be 'recruited' during the skit 1 flashlight, or 2 if using 5-6 Scouts Scouts stand in a circle, facing out, feet spread 2' - 3' apart but touching feet of Scouts on each side. The flashlight is held at eye level and is passed around the circle. Scouts stand tall and hold the beacon's beam steady. Narrator: "Many years ago the people of a seaside village built a lighthouse to warn approaching ships of a dangerous shoal near their harbor. It's beacon could be seen for miles, even in fog and storms. For many decades, the lighthouse stood firm and gave safe passage to all who sailed by the village. But as the years went by, the villagers grew old and so did the lighthouse. The villagers could no longer make repairs, the ocean's waves wore away the foundation, the lighthouse started to sag and failed at its duty." The Scouts now stoop, heads lean to the side and bend their knees slightly; the light 'travels' a zig-zag path around. Narrator: "When the schooners and square riggers started to go aground on the shoals, the old villagers knew they had to call in experienced people to help with their problem. People who were pillars in their own communities and who were solid as a rock." Recruit your favorite 'I'm gonna get you now' people and instruct them to go down on their hands an knees and into the walls. Leaders are facing in with their derrieres out, and are straddled by the Scouts who again stand tall and give a steady light. Narrator: "Now with these new rocks placed into the foundation, the lighthouse once again shines a bright beacon and stands firm in the stormy surf to withstand the pounding of the waves." The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 50 -January 1997

Scouts drop the flashlight and then hand paddle the leaders. -- Thanks to The U.S. Scouting Service Project

Lightening Strike

A group of scouts are out hunting along with the troop chaplain. The Troop Chaplain says "Look there goes a duck." A Scout using imaginary rifle takes a shot, and missing says something beginning with Dang. (Dang, I missed. Dang, missed again. Dang cant hit anything, etc.) Each time the chaplain explains that he is the chaplain and cautions the Scouts for their language and that they will anger the Lord. Finally the chaplain being somewhat put outs says: "If you use that language once more, the Lord will strike you down on the spot!". Repeat the scenario, There is one, bang, Dang missed again. Then from outside of the campfire are is a loud band, One of the Scouts yells look out for the lightening, and the chaplain fall to the ground. A voice from outside the campfire says in a deep voice, "Dang! Missed Again!"

Lights, Camera, Action

This skit is performed on a Hollywood sound stage, you have a director, cameraman and actors: Doctor, leading man and maiden. The man is on his death bed, maiden runs to call for the doctor, doctor comes and says he can't help, with the maiden at his side the man dies in her arms. The maiden sobs on the doctor shoulder. The Director every time stops the movie here and changes the directions: Too slow, too fast, too sad, too happy,. The real fun comes from the actors following the instructions, fast is running and voices like bees, slow is slow motion, etc. (when the man dies slow, it takes forever.) The last direction is do it normal, everyone performs and the director is please, the director instructs them to do it again and says to the cameraman, now put the film in the camera!

Litter Hurts

A scout comes out and begins talking about low impact camping and the importance of preserving nature. As he walks around, he sees a piece of litter and picks it up. He complains about the thoughtlessness of campers who litter. Next a scout enters and drops lots of litter in his path. Other scouts rush the littering scout and beat him up. Finally they pick up the littering scout and ask him if he has learn anything fro this experience? He answers painfully: "I learned that every litter bit hurts!"(exit holding injured parts of body.)

Little Green Ball

First scout comes on and says 'Oh no I've lost it' He then starts to search around on the floor. Second scout comes in and asks what he is looking for. First scout replies that he has lost his little green ball. Both scouts continue searching the floor. Several more scouts come on and are told about the lost little green ball. even members of the audience can be persuaded to join in the search. After enough time has been dragged out, the first scout, sticks a finger up his nose and says "Don't worry I will have to make another one" YUK!!!!!

Listen at the Wall

One person goes along a wall listening and listening. Others come along and ask him what he is doing. He says dramatically, "Listen," and the others do. One of them says, "I don't hear anything", in a disgusted voice. "LISTEN", he says more dramatically and they listen some more. Again someone says, "I don't hear anything." The original listener says, "You know," with a faraway look, "its been like that all day."

Living Xylophone

The instrument consists of several kneeling performers. The player strikes each on the head with a fake mallet or his fist as if playing a xylophone. Each player utters a single note when struck. Simple songs such as "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" can be played this way.

Lobster Tail

Two Scouts enter a fancy seafood restaurant, seated by Host, given menus, they study and discuss the menus, etc. Waiter arrives to take orders. One customer orders shrimp. The second says, " I'd like a lobster tail, Please." Waiter says appropriate things, goes away, returns with a storybook, sits down near customer two but faces audience, and begins to read; "Once upon a time, there was a little lobster......."

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January 1997

The Loon Hunt

This is a cute one obtained from the Mt. Norris Scout Reserve, Vermont, Staff Campfire. Cast: Narrator, two hunters, Melican, Loon, wise man Setting: Out in the woods Narrator: This is the story of the little-known Melican and two hunters' efforts to capture it. For instance, watch. The Melican, which has been dancing around during the Narrator's speech, suddenly spots the two hunters, who blunderingly, and unsuccessfully, attempt to catch the Melican. During the next speech, all actors act according to the Narrator's storyline. Narrator: Several times our bold hunters attempt to catch this Melican; they use traps, "Melican" calls, even a sick loon. (Every once in a while the actors make appropriate comments.) But all this was to no avail. Finally, they consulted a wise man. Hunter 1: Wise man, we have been trying to catch the Melican for quite a while, but without any success. We even tried to lure it with a sick loon, because we'd heard that it was a good idea. What do you suggest? Wise man: (In one of those old, strained, many years-of-experience sage voices,) You have been going about it almost in the right way. But the Melican also needs a sweeter trap! Hunter 1: (Bewildered) Uh... Thank you, Wise man! Let's go! Hunter 2: What did he mean by a sweeter trap? Hunter 1: I don't know. Maybe we should feed our sick loon some sugar! Hunter 2: Sugar? Hunter 1: Yeah! You know, like sugar cured ham! Narrator: And so our brave hunters took a bag of sugar and forced it down the loon's throat. Ahh ... Watch now as the Melican spots our loon. The Melican sees the loon and DIVES for it, at which point, the hunters capture the Melican. Narrator: Out brave hunters have finally succeeded in capturing the Melican. Which, dear audience, leads to the moral of this story ... A loonful of sugar helps the Melican go down!

Lost Item around Campfire

First boy searches the ground around the campfire. Second boy: "What are you looking for, maybe I can help you find it. First boy: "I dropped my neckerchief slide." Second boy: "Where were you standing when you dropped it." First boy: "Over there." (He points into the darkness." Second boy: "Then why are you looking over there." First boy: "Are you kidding? It's too dark over there. You can't see a thing."

The Lost Lollipop

(Small boy is sitting, crying) Passer-by #1: (Enters) What's wrong little boy, why are you crying? Boy : (Sobbing) I lost my lollipop ! Passer-by #1: Have you looked for it ? Boy : (Continues to sob) Oh, yes, I've looked under my bed, in my sock drawer, and even in Charlie's pocket. Passer-by #1: I've heard that chanting often works. You think very hard about the lollipop until you can see it in your mind, and chant 'lollipop' over and over again. Boy : (Closing eyes tightly) Big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop. Passer-by #1: (Nods approval and strolls out) Boy : (Continues chanting for a while, then starts crying again) Passer-by #2: (Enters) What's wrong, little boy ? Boy : (Sobbing) I lost my lollipop, and I hunted and hunted, then this man told me to chant, and I did, and it didn't work ! Passer-by #2: Chanted ? Boy : Yeah, like this (Demonstrates, then starts to cry) The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 52 -January 1997

Passer-by #2: Don't cry little boy. Maybe we need more help. Boy : (Turns to audience) You're my only help to get my lollipop back. Everybody, very softly now, chant with me, "Big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop." (Gets everyone doing it in unison) Great ! I think it's working, keep going now. Passer-by #1: (Re-enters) Hi little boy. Did it work ? Boy : (Loudly) No, it didn't, but I did find a whole lot of suckers !

The Lost Quarter

Number of Participants: 5 or more Props: Flashlight Scene: One person acts as a lamp post, shining a flashlight on the ground. Another (#1) is groping around in the pool of light. A third person enters, sees # 1, and asks: "What are you looking for ?" # 1: "A quarter that I lost". He joins # 1, and helps him search. A fourth and fifth enter and repeat the above scene. Finally one of them asks # 1: "Where did you loose the quarter ?" # 1: (Pointing away) "Over there:. Boy: "Then why are you looking here ?" # 1: "Because the light is better over here !"

Lunch Break

Props: Lunch bags or pails. Announcer: We see here a construction site. It is now lunch time, and two friends are about to eat. Worker 1: (Opens lunch bag and looks very disgusted) Yechhhh !! Egg salad sandwiches again ! Worker 2: Look, if you hate them that bad, I'll swap with you. (Both pretend to eat, then exit.) Announcer: The next day. Worker 1: (Enters with Worker 2, opens lunch bag and looks very disgusted) Yechhhh !!! Egg salad sandwiches again ! Worker 2: O.K... I'll trade with you again. (Both pretend to eat, then exit.) Announcer: The next day. Worker 1: (Enters with Worker 2, opens lunch bag and looks very disgusted) Yechhh !! Egg salad sandwiches again ! Worker 2: (Angrily) Look, if you don't like egg salad sandwiches, why don't you ask your (wife/mom/significant other) to make something else ? Worker 1: My (wife/mom/significant other)?? She's got nothing to do with it. I make my own sandwiches !

Mad Reporter

The scene is a bridge where a very depressed reporter is about to jump off (the end of the stage or a platform could be the end of the bridge). The reporter says that he has had it, can't get a big story, all washed up and wants to end it all. He calls out, one, two, swinging his arms when another person shows up and asks what is going on. He tells him his sad story which encourages him to tell him his; they both get depressed and decide to jump. They call out, one, two, and another person shows up. They each tell this person their sad story and he decides to jump to. Once more they call out One, ... Two, ... Three ! All the people jump except for the reporter who runs off saying; "I've got a great story, two people jump off the bridge. Wait until the boss sees this." A building could be used as well as a bridge.

The Magic Bandanna

Two guys come out, one is the magician, one his not so smart assistant. The magician introduces his act and sends his assistant to a table behind him. The magician facing the audience tells Herkimer to do exactly as he says. There is a table by Herkimer which has a bandanna and a banana. The magician asks Herkimer to pick up the bandanna and to perform various actions such as put the bandanna in his right hand, fold it in half, fold the four corners together, stuff it in his left fist and upon one, two, three, it will disappear. However, Herkimer, picks up the banana, not the bandanna and performs these actions. At the end when Herkimer is supposed to show his fist, for the disappearance of the bandanna, he throws the mashed up banana at the magician instead. The magician chases him offstage.

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

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January 1997

The Magic Doctor's Chair

Characters required, 1 doctor and four patients. Props required, two chairs. Scene begins with doctor sitting on one of the chairs. First patient enters twitching their left arm. DOCTOR: 'And what's wrong with you sir?' Patient 1: 'As you can see doctor I have this terrible twitch' DOCTOR: 'Just sit on my magic chair and you'll get better' The patient sits on the chair and stops twitching, but the doctor's left arm starts twitching. Patient 1: 'Oh thank you doctor. you cured me' The patient leaves, the doctor still twitching calls for the next patient. DOCTOR: ' Next '...... 'And what's wrong with you sir?' This patient has the hiccups. The process of sitting in the chair is repeated. The doctor now has a twitch and the hiccups. The third patient is called in, both his legs keep flicking in the air. The process is again repeated so that the doctor now has a twitching arm the hiccups and both legs flicking in the air. The doctor now calls patient four. This patient looks quite normal, enters and sits in the magic chair. DOCTOR: 'And what may I ask is wrong with you sir?' Patient 4: 'I've got a terrible case of the trots doctor' The doctor runs off the stage holding his stomach. Note: TROTS is English slang for can't stop going to the toilet -- Thanks to the Australian Scout Association

Martian Mamma

Mamma is washing dishes, back to baby. Baby says that he wants a drink. "Right in front of you dear", says mamma. Baby picks up green drink. Baby says that he wants Martian Cream Pie, getting real pushy, aggressive, and bratty; throwing the drink on the floor. Baby tells mamma that he spilled his comet juice. Mamma turns around putting out two fake arms telling the baby that she only has four arms.

Measurement Problem

It takes all kinds. Need: 3 scouts (2 older scouts and 1 Cub Scout). (Two Scouts come on stage carrying a long pole. They prop it up, then stand back and look at it.) Scout 1: Now, there are several ways we can figure out the height of this pole. How do you want to start? (The Scouts unsuccessfully try various methods of estimation to calculate the height of the pole. The conversation goes something like....) Scout 1: According to my calculations, that pole is about 2 m high. Scout 2: There's no way. It has got to be shorter than that. Just look at it. (This kind of exchange repeats several times as the Scouts obviously become more and more exasperated. A Cub strolls onto the stage.) Cub: Hi! (he watches a bit) What are you guys trying to do? Scout 2: We're trying to measure the exact height of this pole. Scout 1: We haven't had too much luck, yet, but we'll get it. Cub: Why don't you just lay the pole on the ground and measure its length? Scout 1: (scornfully) Cubs! Scout 2: I'll say. (To the Cub) Didn't you hear right? We want to know how tall the pole is - not how long it is -- Thanks to The U.S. Scouting Service Project

Medical Genius

Setting is the office of a famous psychiatrist. He is seated behind a table. Nurse brings in a patient with a flowerpot on his head. Another patient enters and runs around, waving his arms as if flying. Next patient keeps brushing his clothes and complains about bugs crawling on him. Doctor says: "For heaven's sake, don't brush them off on me.!"

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-- 54 --

January 1997

Military Genius

Sergeant is drilling a group of uniformed men, who are a pretty sloppy lot - shoestrings untied, shirt tails out, collars unbuttoned, hats at odd angles etc. Sergeant drills in a march, but they go in the wrong directions, trip while turning, and so on. Finally, he has of the group marching left and the other half marching right. He instructs them to reverse direction and turn and march toward each other. Instead of passing between each other, they meet head on and all fall down. Sergeant weeps bitterly into a large handkerchief, steps among the prostrate bodies and pretends to jump up and down on them.

Mixed Body Acting

Fasten a shirt backwards around the first person's neck, leaving the sleeves empty. Have a second person stand behind the first and put his arms through the shirt sleeves. A sheet is held by two others behind the head of the singer hiding the second person. As the first person sings, the second person gestures with his hands. This can be done with more than one singer. Variation 1: Instead of singing have the second person trying to do various ordinary acts such eating from a bowl, tying shoes, cooking such as cracking eggs (on the narrator as one possibility) etc.

Mixed Up Magic

Child is told to clean room. The child hates to clean his room so he gets out his book of magic spells and use one to clean the room. Unfortunately, the room gets worse with clothes etc. thrown in from offstage. This happens again twice. The child decides he might as well clean up this mess and proceeds to do so. When the room is finally clean, the child is ready to throw the magic book in the garbage. The child talking to himself says, "Enough of this Hocus Pocus". More stuff flies in. The child moans not again !

The Motorcycle Gang

Sometimes the loser loses, no matter what he tries. A small tent is set up on stage. It should be easy to collapse, and probably should not be your best tent; it gets collapsed by the weight of several Scouts. Two Scouts walk on stage together. They call each other "Master" and "Slave" as they discuss the trip they are taking. They notice that it is getting dark, and decide to spend the night. The Master announces that he will sleep in the tent. As he climbs into the tent, the Slave starts to come in also. The Master tells him that there is only room for one person, and that the Slave must sleep outside. The Slave protests weakly, looks disgusted, and eventually lies down on the ground. They go to sleep. A gang of motorcyclists roars onto the far end of the stage, making motorcycle noises and pretending that they are riding. They stop, discover and point at the sleeping Slave, and discuss among themselves, "Let's get him!" They rush across the stage and beat up the Slave, who screams and calls for help. The gang rushes away, "Let's get out of here!" The Slave rushes to the Master's tent and wakes him. He tells excitedly about the attack, and begs to sleep in the tent. The Master refuses to believe him, accuses him of inventing the story, and sends him back to sleep outside. Again they go to sleep. The motorcycle gang reappears, and repeats the scene. The Slave is terrorized and insists on sleeping in the tent. He gets down on his knees and pleads. The Master is angry, and calls him a coward. Just to show the Slave that there is nothing to fear, the Master decides that he will stay outside and the Slave will sleep in the tent. The motorcycle gang appears again, and confers at some length. They decide, "This time, let's get the guy in the tent!" They knock the tent down and fall on the Slave - again.

The Motorcycle Shop

The Motorcycle Dealer introduces himself and his shop. He stocks many types of motorcycles, and they are all in excellent condition. In fact, he will demonstrate how good they are by making a sale to the next customer who walks in the door. First, of course, he needs some volunteers from the audience. Three are selected, and each is briefed quickly as he comes to the front. (Choose scapegoats who have characteristics similar to the motorcycle they will represent.) The first is to go slowly when started. The second will go very fast, almost losing its rider. The third should not go anywhere. They are lined up on their hands and knees facing the crowd. "Now," says the Dealer, "You can see what fine motorcycles I have." A Scout walks in and asks if he has any motorcycles for sale. Of course, the Dealer is eager to show his stock. This first one is a Smith (use the victim's name). It's only 200 cc's, but a nice little machine. The Dealer makes his sales pitch and invites the Buyer to go for a ride. The Buyer straddles the Smith, raises himself up and mimics using the kick starter. The Buyer makes motorcycle noises, not very energetically. He 'rides' (actually

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straddles and walks) the Smith around in a slow circle, returning to the starting point. "That's too slow," says the Buyer, "Do you have anything more powerful?" The next motorcycle is a 1000 cc Yablonski. Again the Buyer climbs aboard and operates the kick starter. The Yablonski roars to life and races around in a circle. The Buyer can barely hold on. "That's too fast! I could kill myself on that one!" The Dealer says he thinks he has just the right one, a Jones that he recently received on trade-in. It's in good condition and has about the right power. The Buyer climbs on and tries to start. He makes sputtering noises. After several trials, he complains that something just isn't right because the Jones won't start. He gets off and stands looking at the motorcycle. The Dealer yells angrily to Joe, who is offstage, "Joe! I thought I told you to put gas in the Jones!" Joe replies, "Sorry Boss! I'll do it right now!" Joe enters quickly with a bucket or gas can and pours water onto the rear end of the Jones.

Mr. Kerplunk

Announce him as Mr. Kerplunk the world renown spitter. He could be French, German, etc. with the appropriate accent. He says he will demonstrate several of his famous spits for the group. An assistant holds a bucket across the stage for Mr. Kerplunk to spit into (tap on the bottom of the bucket to create the special effect). Here are some examples of spits to use but be creative in creating your own: 1) Short Shot: He spits; sound effect comes immediately. 2) Ricochet Shot: He spits for a side wall (tree etc. if outside) and watches it bounce around before it hits the bucket. 3) Long Shot: He spits and follows the long arc with his head; sound made after a long pause. 4) Fast Shot: Sound effect is made before he spits. 5) Super Shot: Advertised as the most famous. Spends a minute getting mouth full of spit, checks bulge out and finally spits. Guy in front stands up and wipes water or raw egg from eye.

Musical Genius

The announcer makes a flowery introduction about how fortunate the audience is to have the opportunity to hear the splendid vocal group about to perform. After the introduction, the group marches onto stage and lines up across the front. The announcer states that their first number will be that appealing ballad "The Little Lost Sheep". Following a short musical introduction, singers open their mouths and produce a long, loud "Baa-a-a".

Musical Toilet Seat Salesman

A scout is a door to door salesman, selling Musical Toilet Seats: If you have some cardboard make props like toilet seats. Salesman approaches each home knocks on the door and sells the seat: Salesman: "Good morning sir, I like to show you the newest thing in electronic technology. My company has developed the new musical toilet seat. Would you be interested in buying this modern day marvel?"(ham this up, plead beg, etc. be a door to door salesman) Customer 1: "Do you have one that plays Dixie?" Customer 2 asked for "Eat the Rich" . Customer 3 asked for "Star Spangled Banner" Salesman, I sure do, Here it is, I hope you like it. I'll come back tomorrow to make sure you are satisfied." The next day the Salesman goes back and asked of each customer: How did you like the musical toilet seat.? Customer 1: "It was great, it played Dixie and I sat there with a bucket of fried chicken enjoying each note. Customer 2: "It was great. I listened and read a copy of the Rolling Stone magazine." Customer 3: "I hated it, It just did not work out. Salesman responds to Customer 3: "we have never had an unsatisfied customer, what went wrong? Customer 3: " It's that music. "Every time I sit down on the toilet, it starts playing the Star Spangled Banner and I have to stand up again!"

Nanook

Nanook is an unusual young Scout who is very proud of being self-sufficient, and likes to tell us about his ability. He is a little uncoordinated, much to the delight of the audience. This skit is best presented indoors with a relatively small audience, so Nanook's demonstration is appreciated up close. The skit is best if not rehearsed. Preparation Nanook is two people. One is seen by the audience from the waist up. His hands are inserted into a large pair of boots that are propped up on the table. He has a blanket-covered hunch back, which conceals the second Scout. The second Scout reaches his hands under the arms of the first; these are Nanook's hands. The visible Nanook should be a Scout who likes to talk and can keep a happy outlook in the face of some physical discomfort. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 56 -January 1997

Collect all materials in advance, and plan the order in which they will be used. Encourage the Scouts to suggest ideas, but do not plan too many activities. The skit should not run more than 10 minutes at the most. A plastic sheet on the floor will help with the cleanup. The Skit The curtain opens, and Nanook is seated behind a table. The table is draped with a blanket or sheet so that the audience cannot see behind it. Nanook introduces himself, gesturing with his hands. He knows that he looks a little strange, but he is a very capable and independent Boy Scout. He is very proud that he knows how to take care of himself. Nanook would like to show us how he gets up in the morning. As he demonstrates, he talks about what he is doing. "First, I wash my face." A Scout brings a basin of water and a washcloth. He washes, getting water over a wide area. "Then, I shave." Applies shaving cream and shaves. (Use a safety razor without a blade!) Because the person operating his hands cannot see, the results are, well, interesting. He washes off the soap and dries his face on a towel. Nanook then puts toothpaste on his toothbrush and brushes his teeth. He brushes his hair. Once he has cleaned up and the washing materials have been removed, it is time for breakfast -- a good big bowl of oatmeal, which he eats with a large spoon. He uses a big napkin to wipe his face. "Umm, that was good!" Now he is ready to face the day. All he needs is his hat, a knitted cap. Nanook thanks all the nice people for coming to see him. He hopes they have enjoyed their visit!

Napoleon's Last Farewell

The narrator walks to the center of the stage and says that he would now like to present for his audience, that historical event, Napoleon's last farewell to his troops, after his defeat at the battle of waterloo. He builds up the atmosphere, by asking his audience to imagine these thousands of soldiers, weary from days of fighting etc. When this has been built up enough, the narrator sticks his right hand, under the left breast of his jacket, walks forward and says " FAREWELL TROOPS". -- Thanks to the Australian Scout Association

The New Badge

Cast: Leader, 3 or 4 Kids Setting: Meeting Hall Leader: Boys, they're having a contest to redesign the World Conservation Badge. So you guys should try to come up with some ideas. Kids: Sure thing, Akela. After a pause, #1 comes in. #1: Here's an idea, Akela. Leader: Hmm... not bad. But isn't that too dull? #2: Akela! Look at this! Leader: Really nice, but the design is too complicated for the badgemakers to put on a badge. #3: I have a really good one, Akela! Leader: Very good. But I think it's too big. #4: This is it Akela! It's sure to be a winner! Leader: This is perfect! It's bright enough, simple to make, and the right size. Where did you come up with this idea? #4: It's a copy of the old badge!

The New Car

Cast: Salesman, Buyer, 5 People to be Tires, Victim Setting: Car Showroom 4 of the tires are crouched in "tire" formation as on a car. The fifth is the spare tire at the back. Salesman: Here, Sir, is our latest and best model. It also has an unbelievably low price. Let me show you the quality. (He "kicks" one of the tires -- tire falls flat and makes a hissing sound.) My, I'm so embarrassed. (He "kicks" another tire -- same thing happens. Start hamming it up, interacting more and talking with the buyer,

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apologizing profusely and being very embarrassed. Salesman successively kicks each tire until all 5 are kicked. Finally,) Salesman: Hold on, let me get one of my men from the back. (Get your victim) Do you think you can fix these flats? (Instructs him to lift up each tire and so on, and each one rises to original position.) Well, I guess all that was needed was a nut to hold it up! Version 2 Cast: Salesman, Buyer, 4 people to be bicycles, Victim The five "bicycles" are in doggy position. Salesman: Here, Sir, is our most popular model. It also has an unbelievably low price. Try it. Buyer: OK -- (tries it) -- no, it's not the right size. Salesman: Then try this one. It's go 25 gears and goes really fast. Buyer: No, I don't need that many. Salesman: All right, try this one. Buyer: I don't quite like the color. Salesman: This one is a great mountain bike; great reports from everyone. Buyer: Hmmm... OK. Hey! I really like this! All of a sudden the mountain bike collapses -- falls down. Salesman: My, I'm so embarrassed. Are you sure you wouldn't like to purchase one of the other bicycles? They're very good. Buyer: Not really. I really liked this last one. Salesman: Hold on, let me get one of my men from the back. (Get your victim.) Do you think you can fix this bike? (Instructs him to lift up the bike and pull this, tighten that.) Now Sir, try it. Buyer: Hey! This is great! You've just sold this bike! What did your technician do? Salesman: Well, I guess all that was needed was a nut to hold it up!

New Saw

Announcer: This scene takes place in a hardware store in a small north woods lumber town. Lumberjack: (Enters) My old crosscut saw is worn out, and I need something that will let me cut more wood, or I'm going to go broke ! Owner : Yes, sir ! For only one hundred bucks you can be the proud owner of this chain saw. I guarantee that it will cut twice as much wood in a day as your own crosscut. Lumberjack: (Handing over money) O.K. great ! (Exits) Announcer: The next day. Lumberjack: (Enters tiredly) There's something wrong with this saw. I worked very hard yesterday, and only cut half as much wood. Owner : Well, sir, I have a lot of faith in this product. Here, I'll put a new chain on it and you give it another try. Lumberjack: O.K., but if it doesn't do any better, I'll be back ! (Exits) Announcer: The next day. Lumberjack: (Enters exhausted) This darned saw is no good. I worked even harder, and still it won't cut half the wood of my old saw ! I want my money back ! Owner : Yes, sir ! Just let me check it out here. (Pulls starter rope) Announcer: (Makes sound effects of saw running.) Lumberjack: Oh, my gosh ! What on earth is all that noise ?

News Flash!

Cast: Reporter, Editor, toy gun Setting: Newsroom Editor: Okay, you're new on the job, so I'll give you a tip. You have to go and get a current story. Something new. Reporter: Right, boss. Great news. Goes out, comes running back in. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 58 -January 1997

Reporter: Boss! Boss! Two weeks ago John Doe died falling into a manhole! Editor: That's old news. I told you, something more recent. Reporter: Fine, boss. Something newer. Goes out, comes running back in. Reporter: Boss! Boss! A week ago there was fire downtown! Editor: (A little annoyed.) That's still old news. Something even more recent. Goes out, comes running back in. Reporter: Boss! Boss! A car wreck two days ago! Editor: (Annoyed) No good! Too old! Something new! That's why they call it news! Goes out, comes running back in. Reporter: Boss! Boss! Editor of a major newspaper got shot today! Editor: (Interested) Oh really? Who? Reporter: You! (Shoots him with toy gun, and the editor falls to the ground.)

No Rocket Scientist

Setting: Rocket pilot in cockpit on one side of stage. Ground control with computer on other side. Rocket Pilot: Mayday! Mayday! Engine on fire. Mayday! Ground control: We read you. Hang in there. We're going to try and lock in on you with our computer. Rocket Pilot: Well, hurry up! I can't hold on much longer. I'm surrounded by flames. Ground Control: O.K. This is critical. Before you eject -- state your height and position. Rocket Pilot: Oh, I'm about 5 foot 6, and I'm sitting down. Bye! (Pretends to push eject button and jumps out of cockpit.)

Nosebleed

One of those skits the kids can do really easily, but becomes rancid very quick. Cast: Person with nosebleed, 3 Pedestrians, 4th Pedestrian Setting: City Street Nosebleed person is looking down at the ground. #1 comes in and looks around, then down, and mumbles, #1: Hmm, what's going down, man? (No answer.) #2 walks in, does the same thing, as does #3. #4 walks in, looks up for a moment, then asks, #4: What are you guys doing? Nosebleed: I don't know what these guys are doing, but I've got a nosebleed!

No Skit

Scout #1 Oh, no! Scout #2 What's the matter? Scout #1 whispers to Scout #2. No one hears them. Scout #2 Oh, no! Scout #3 What's the matter? Scout #2 whispers to Scout #3. No one hears them. This continues down the line. Second to last Scout, to last Scout Oh, no! Last Scout What's the matter? Second to last Scout (Whispers loud enough for everyone to hear) We don't have a skit! Everyone exits

Nutty Fisherman

Center stage is a lad fishing from a can or bucket, he keeps pulling the rod as though he has something on the line. A passer by looks at him as he walks by and then walks on, after a few steps the passer by comes back to the lad and asks "What are you doing there ?" Scout "I'm fishing, what does it look as though I'm doing?" Passer by: "Fishing eh!, what are you fishing for." Scout: "I'm fishing for suckers." Passer by: "Have you caught any?" Scout "Yes you're the third today!"

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The Nurses

The scene is an emergency room at a hospital. The nurse is totally self absorbed, combing hair, looking in mirror etc. Whether you have a male nurse or a boy dressed up like a girl is up to you. A guy runs in, a skier with a pole stuck in his stomach ( a branch could be used also for a hiker). He is screaming in agony. the nurse insists that she must ask him some questions before anything can be done. The patient screams that he is losing blood. The nurse continues asking questions such as where he lives, past illnesses, type of house, how he got there etc. A phone rings and a Dr. Killjoy asks the nurse out to lunch. The nurse runs off leaving the wounded man writhing on the floor. A stupid looking janitor with a broom wanders by and pulls the pole out. The patient stands up, says thanks and leaves.

Offensive Bus Passenger

Players are pretending that they are riding a bus. There is a bus driver and several passengers. Every time the bus stops, the passengers holds their nose, coughs, etc. looking at a specific passenger as they get off the bus. The bus driver complains to the offensive passenger that he is driving everyone off his bus. The passenger says that it isn't his fault. The driver accuses him of a peculiar smell and asks if he has taken a bath, washed his shirt, socks, feet, etc. The passenger claims that he has. Irritated the passenger pulls a pair of dirty, smelly, socks out of his back pocket, as proof.

Oh-Wa-Ta-Goo-Siam

A guru with a turban on his head comes out and sits down in the middle of the stage. Members of the audience are solicited to help bring back the ancient spirits who once inhabited the area. All are asked to kneel and with arms out-stretched, they are told to repeat the magic phrase after the guru. When ever this phrase brings enlightenment, they may return to the their seat in the audience. All sit kneeling near the guru repeating the guru's actions and words. The guru moves his arms and chants "Oh ... Wa ... Ta ... Goo ... Siam ..." All chant with him. Keep it up for a long while increasing the speed of the saying. Eventually everyone catches onto the fact that they are really saying, "Oh, what a goose I am."

The Old Gum

This skit is entirely silent. The first person comes in, chewing gum. He blows a big bubble, it pops, he scrapes it off his face. He wads up his gum, throws it over his shoulder, and walks offstage. Second person walks in. Halfway across stage, they stop. They've stepped in gum, it's all over their shoe. They make a face, pick the gum off their shoe, wad it up, and throw it over their shoulder. Third person is a jogger. The gum lands in their hair. They pull the gooey gum out of their hair, it's really stuck in there, eventually they pull most of it out, wad it up, and throw it over their shoulder. Fourth guy is walking his dog and stretching. The gum lands in his armpit. He pulls the gooey gum out from his armpit, wads it up, throws it on the ground. His dog pees on it. The first guy comes back in. He bends over, picks up the gum, sniffs it, tosses it back in his mouth and starts chewing. He walks offstage.

Old Movie Scene

Run through a short movie scene. Use jerky motions, flashlight flicker, etc. Just as the scene is about to end, the narrator says, "Oh no! Something's wrong; it's going backwards!" Then run through the whole scene backwards. Keep the scene short to only a minute or two.

Old Socks

A group of scouts approach a scout and smell a foul odor. After some carrying on, the scouts determine it smells like old socks. One scouts says: "Good Grief, when is that last time you washed your socks? The Scout replies: "1959". The other scout says" "goodness, you mean you have not washed your socks in 35 years!" The Scout says " what are you talking about?" The other scout says: "You said you hadn't washed you socks since 1959". The Scout with a big grin says: "well what the big deal its only 2100 hours now!"

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The Olde Lighthouse

See "The Lighthouse" in this Big Book. Cast: Storyteller, Person with Flashlight, 4 "Girders" who are collaborators, 4Victims Person with flashlight is the lighthouse -- he holds it on his head and turns around so the light turns around to act like a lighthouse -- also, he occasionally booms out a foghorn. Storyteller: There once was this lighthouse that did a very fine job of being a lighthouse. It turned around all the time and gave a nice beam of light. It even had a foghorn in it. (Foghorn....) So it was a very fine lighthouse indeed. But after many years of fine service and many more storms, it began to be a little shaky in the wind. (Lighthouse begins to wobble.) So what the authorities did was to put in four girders to support the lighthouse so that it would give many more years of fine service. (Bring in your girders and place them around the lighthouse, facing outwards and bent over on a 45 degree angle, with arms stretched out. Lighthouse promptly becomes straight again, still continuing to turn.) And it indeed did do that. It stood straight for many long years until again storms caused it to be shaky in the wind. (Wobbles again.) So the port authorities again tried to get the lighthouse to become straight again. They figured boulders around the bottoms of the girders would do a great job, so they placed boulders there. (Place your victims in a crouching position, facing in toward the lighthouse, underneath the outstretched arms of the girders.) And once more, the lighthouse was straight. And it remained so for many, many years. During the first storm the lighthouse had to endure after the boulders were placed, the authorities watched to make sure that the lighthouse survived. They saw the rain coming close; they heard the wind; the water began to rise; and the waves came crashing in on the boulders (Girders start hitting the boulders' behinds.)

Olympic Drama

Have den line up on stage. One scout steps forward and announces that this is the first international exhibition of a new Olympic event. This is the cue for the rest of the scouts to grin as wide as possible. The narrator announces that this was the Standing Broad Grin.

OOOOOO A Bug!

Have a huge wag of chewing gum (or homemade modeling clay), green and black, lying on a plate in the middle of a table on the stage. First boy walks in, looks at the table and comments on how gross the bug is. Other boys come in one at a time commenting on how terrible the bug looks, that someone needs to step on it, not sure if it's dead etc. The last boy comes in asking if anyone has seen his gum, sees the gum on the plate and tells the other boys never mind picks up the gum and pretends to put it in his mouth and walks away. The other boys comment on how disgusting and sickening that was.

The Operation

By setting up a white sheet and using a light behind it, a hospital operation can be silhouetted onto the sheet, which is set up like a screen. Ham it up with humorous dialogue, occasionally throwing a peeled tomato or a piece of raw liver or spurt of ketchup out to the audience. A good creative imagination would be an asset here.

The Outhouse in the Yangtze River

You need: A boy to be the Chinese father, and three or four more boys to be his children. The father starts out alone and calls his children to come to him. He is very angry. They all line up behind him. Father: "As you know, someone has pushed the outhouse into the river.(To first son) Was it you?" First Son: "No Father!" Father: (To second son) "Did you push the outhouse into the river?" Second son: "No Father!" He asks all of them, and they all say no. Father: "In America, George Washington chopped down his Father's cherry tree. He told his Father 'I can not tell a lie'. When his Father heard this, he did not punish him, but he honored him for telling the truth." Now can someone tell me who did this?" Second son: "I cannot tell a lie either Father. It was me!" Father: "Why you little!" He runs up and starts strangling his son. Other sons try to keep him off. Second son: Father! Why are you punishing me when I told you the truth? You said George Washington did not get punished!." Father: "George Washington's Father was not in the tree!!" All exit

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Note: Some may find this offensive (Mainly Chinese people)You can use a scoutmaster and boys and have "Who pushed the latrine into the lake" or something like that.-Thanks to Chris Whong of Boy Scout Troop 763, Wheaton, MD

The Outhouse Sketch

Father Indian lines up his three sons. "One of you pushed outhouse over cliff, two nights ago. Which of you did it?" "Not me" "not me!" "Not me!!!" "Come on, I promise not to punish you. Who did it?" "Not me!" "Not me!" "Not me!" "Let me tell you story of great American hero, George Washington. When he was a boy, he chopped down a cherry tree. His father came to him and asked, 'George, did you chop down that cherry tree?' 'I cannot tell a lie, father, I chopped down the cherry tree,' said little George. 'You should not have done that, but since you told the truth, I will not punish you.' And George Washington grew up to be President of the United States!" "Now I ask you. Who pushed outhouse over the cliff?" "Not me!" "Not me!" "I cannot tell a lie, father, I pushed the outhouse over the cliff." "[email protected]#$%!!!" (The father beats up the son who pushed the outhouse over the cliff.) "Why did you beat me up? When George Washington told the truth, his father did not punish him!" "George Washington's father wasn't IN the tree when George Washington chopped it down!"

The Outlaw

I was recently on staff at Camp Birch of the 95' staff, and this was the most popular of them all we did. This is set in the western era in the 1800's. Characters: An Out Law, Partner, swinging doors(that squeak when opened), One person playing Wife of the Out Law, the Son of the Out Law, Camera person, Very Outgoing Director with German accent. ANY MISSPELLINGS ARE INTENTIONAL, THIS IS HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE PRONOUNCED Director: Pleses(Places), Pleses, evedybody. Now do we haave thees down?(Be creative) (Every one nods) Director: Aaalrright aand aaction. Out Law: Say there pardner, got a match. Pardner: Yep. Out Law: Can I have it. Pardner: Nope. Out Law: I think I'm gonna take it, what are YOU gonna do about it. Pardner: I'ma gonna shootcha. (quickly pulls out gun and fires) Out Law: (Falls to ground) Son: Daddy, daddy. (Huddling over Out Law) Wife: OH! MY POOR HUSBAND!(Huddling over Out Law) Director: (in a perturbed and angry voice) Cuuuuuuuuuuut! Thaat was terrible, were do we get these aactors. Let's do it again, do eet slowwwwer / faaster / like an opra.(CHANGE WORDING AROUND EACH TIME, it will sound repetitive if you don't) (look of question in faces) (repeat slower) (repeat really fast) (repeat like opra) The End This skit is hilarious, you can have fun doing it and adding your own episodes onto it. -- Thanks to Bartley Davis

Over the Cliff

The Senior patrol leader arrives with his troop and begins to admire the view from the top of the cliff, upon which they are standing. He begins to organize things and asked for various items such as food, saw, matches, water, etc. Each time another scout says begins to look in his pack and tells the SPL that he either left the item at the car or lost it on the trail. The SPL get more angry with each answer. He finally asked who brought the tent. At last a scout says he did. The SPL says "Finally, no food, water, matches, or saw, but at least we have a tent. Okay pitch the tent." The Scout says :"But... but" The SPL screams 'I said Pitch The Tent! The Scout throws the tent over the edge of the cliff!

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The Page (The Skit)

Cast: The Scout Master, Assistant Scout Master, The Eagle Scout, The Life Scout, The Tenderfoot, and the Monster. Setting: A plague has taken over the Camp. A monster is lurking a nearby forest known as "Dark Forest" home of the monster: "Yellow Fingers". The only hope is to obtain a magic potion from the old sorceress. Scout Master: Eagle Scout, our Camp is in ruins. The plague is killing everything in out camp. The Experts give us no hope. The only way to save our camp is to obtain the magic potion from the old sorceress, who lives in the nearby Dark Forest. However, beware of the monster Yellow Fingers, who if he catches you in the Dark Forest will squeeze you to death. Eagle Scout: Yes, Sir, I will go, anything to save the camp and for Scouts everywhere. (The Eagle Scout leaves and you hear a struggle and a deathlike scream) Scout Master: The Eagle Scout has failed. Life Scout, you must slay Yellow Fingers and save the Camp. Life Scout: Yes, Sir, I will go and save our Camp, I am prepared. (The Life Scout leaves and you hear a struggle and a deathlike scream) Scout Master: Call for my Star Scout, He must save the camp. Star Scout: (acting afraid) Oh, my Scout Master, I don't think I have the training or skill to go into the Dark Forest, Isn't there anyone else? (The Star Scout leaves and you hear a struggle and a deathlike scream) Scout Master: My Eagle Scout, my Life Scout and my Star Scout have all failed, Now who shall do battle? The Page: I will. I will do it for my Scout Master and the Camp. Scout Master: But you are only a page. You have ONLY earned your TENDERFOOT. You cannot believe that you have the skills to travel through the Dark Forest. The Page: Send me Sir, I shall kill the beast. (The page leaves and you hear a struggle and the page returns) The Page: Yellow Fingers is dead. Here is your magic potion to save the camp. Scout Master: Page, how is it that my Eagle, Life and Star Scouts all failed, but you, a mere tenderfoot has saved the camp? The Page: Its very simple -- From now on let your pages do the walking through the Yellow Fingers."

Painting the Walls

In the middle of the singing a person wearing two coats, holding a paint bucket, paint brush, and a step ladder pushes through the crowd. He excuses himself saying he is a painter and needs to do the next room. The leader asks him why he is dressed for winter. The painter replies that he was told to paint the room with two coats.

Panther Tracks

Two Scouts are walking along when they spot some interesting tracks. Scout One - "Hey!! Look animal tracks! I wonder what kind of tracks are those?" Scout Two - " They look like cat tracks, big cat tracks. Let's take a closer look." Scout One - "Gee... you don't suppose these are Mountain Lion tracks, do you? Scout Two - Down on hands and knees examining the tracks with a magnifying glass, looks up and proclaims with certainty; "No, these are definitely Panther tracks; absolutely no doubt about it". Scout One - "How can you tell? They just look like big cat tracks to me". Scout Two - "Its easy, you just need to be observant, look closely at the bottom of this track over here; see, there is an ant squished at the bottom. And there is one in this track over here too. The animal that made these tracks was purposely stepping on ants as he walked." Scout One - "OK I'll buy that, its a big cat that likes to squish ants, but I still don't see how you can be so sure that it was a Panther? Scout Two - "Why its easy, Just look at this strange pattern; (scout pointing to each track in turn) Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Dead Dead Ant, ....."

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January 1997

The Parachute

Two scouts "on stage" First Scout showing the other a backpack. First Scout: This is our top of the line parachute, guaranteed to work. Second Scout: What is this cord for? First Scout: That's the rip cord, you pull that and the parachute opens. Second Scout: What's this other cord for? First Scout: That's the reserve chute, if the first one fails to open you pull that cord and the reserve chute opens. Second Scout: What if that one fails to open. First Scout: Bring it back and we'll give you another one, no charge.

The Party Warehouse

Cast: Warehouse Person, Store Manager, 5 Customers, Two Victims, Broomstick Setting: Party Supplies Store Get two victims to hold, at each end, the broomstick -- this will be your manager's store counter. Customer #1: Hi! I'd like to buy some balloons for my daughter's birthday party. Manager: Of course, Sir. Let me check with the back. (Calling to back of warehouse.) Do we have any balloons? Warehouse: (Calling from back -- an accent works well, or he's hard of hearing.) Let me check. (Pause) No! No balloons! Manager: Gee, I'm sorry, Sir. Thank you for stopping by! Continue with each customer trying to get cakes, party favors, "Just the bottom of the line, no frills birthday party supplies," candies, games for the little darlings, hats, and so on. Each time, the Manager calls back, the warehouse person responds that he'll check, says no, and the manager apologizes. Finally, Last Customer: I've been waiting in line here for a while and I've noticed that you don't have anything that anybody wants. What do you have for parties? Manager: (Slowly looks at each of the victims, considering each.) Well, I do have two suckers on a stick!

Pass the Pepper

As per usual with repetition skits, the more actors the merrier up to about 6 or7. Setting: Family Sitting at the Dinner Table, talking in a very thick Southern Drawl. Ma: Pass the peppa, Pa. (Goes down the line to Pa, who responds) Pa: Here's the Black Peppa, Ma. (Goes down the line to Ma, who responds) Ma: No, not the Black Peppa, Pa. (Goes down the line to Pa, who responds) Pa: Oh. Here's the Chili Peppa, Ma. This goes on through different kinds of Peppa ie. Banana Peppa, Jalepeno Peppa, Red Peppa, Green Peppa, and so on until, Ma: Can't you pass the toilet peppa, Pa?

Patience, Jackass, Patience!

You can ham this up a bit, but here's the gist of it. Two scouts enter (one on all fours if conditions allow) and move across stage as the skit proceeds. One is the mule and the other is the driver. A narrator stands just offstage. Narrator: "In the heat of the Mojave Desert, the mule driver pushes his beast toward town. Day one." Mule: "Water, master, water!" Driver: "Patience, Jackass, Patience!" Narrator: "Still they drive on relentlessly. The second day. . ." Mule: "Water, master, water!" Driver: "Patience, Jackass, Patience!" Narrator: "Without mercy, they push to their goal. The third day. . ." Mule: "Water, master, water!" Driver: "Patience, Jackass, Patience!" The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 64 -January 1997

Narrator: "Still far from town, they go on. The fifth day. . ." Voice offstage: "What happened to the fourth day?" Driver: "Patience, Jackass, Patience!"

Peanuts

Cast: policeman; three boys; police chief. (Policeman hustles scuffed looking boy up to boy sitting at the table marked CHIEF.) Policeman: Here's a bunch of trouble- makers for you, sir. Chief: O.K. constable. I'll deal with this. (dismisses officer, turns sternly to Boy 1.) Well, now. Why are you here? Boy 1: (embarrassed) I threw peanuts into the lake. (Chief looks puzzled) Chief:(sternly to Boy 2 ) Any why, then, were you brought in?? Boy 2: (defensively) I threw peanuts into the lake.(Chief scowls angrily) Chief: (Bellows at Boy 3) And you! What have you got to say for yourself? Boy 3: I'm Peanuts, Sir! (All exit) Version 2: Cast: Judge, Bailiff, 3 (or more) Scruffy Guys, Peanuts (person) Setting: Courthouse Judge: Order in the court! Order in the court! Bring in the first case! Bailiff brings in a scruffy guy. Judge: What's your problem? #1: Duh, I like to throw Peanuts against walls! Hic! Judge: 30 days psychiatric treatment! Next! Bailiff brings in two more such characters, one likes to throw Peanuts out the window, into a lake, likes to hit Peanuts with a hammer and so on. Judge responds the same way and becomes increasingly bored, saying "Oh, not another," "Why do they send me all the loonies," and so on. Finally the bailiff brings in the last, really scruffy, bloodied, shirt torn, no shoes, so on. Judge: What's your problem? (Sigh....) Peanuts: I'm Peanuts! (Passes out.) Version 3: Cast: Narrator, 3 Scruffy guys, Curious Person, Peanuts Setting: Building Roof Narrator explains that these four guys are on the top of a building and looking over the edge. Curious person: What are you guys looking at? #1: I threw Peanuts over the edge of the building. #2: I threw Peanuts over the edge of the building. #3: I threw Peanuts over the edge of the building. "Peanuts" comes crawling up to the top of the building. Curious person: Who are you? Peanuts: I'm Peanuts! (Passes out.)

Peanuts in the Lake

Each person has a handful of peanuts hidden away (except girl's peanuts which are visible), perhaps in campfire blanket pocket. All family members are present on the stage. Cast: Girl, Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, Cousin, Aunt, Uncle, Grandmother, Friend etc. and a Bag of Peanuts. Setting: Up at the Cottage, Lakeside Resort, Beach Girl: Gee! I've got all these great peanuts! I want to throw some into the lake! I'll go ask Ma if I can. Ma! Can I throw peanuts in the lake? Ma: Are peanuts biodegradable, dear? Girl: What? Ma: Are peanuts biodegradable? You don't want to hurt the lake. Girl: Gee, I don't know. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 65 -January 1997

Ma: Then you'd better not throw peanuts in the lake, darling. Girl: (On the side) I'll go ask Pa. Repeat the scene through each person. Use appropriate hamming it up and histrionics, such as "Granny always lets me do whatever I want" and a hard of hearing, senile uncle. All still ask the biodegradable question, girl occasionally responding, "Bio de what?" "Biodependable?" ("No, Biodegradable!") sometimes being told, "You go to school, don't you? Ask your teacher!" She always responds that she doesn't know and goes on to the next family member. Finally, she gives up. Girl: Well, I guess I'd better find out what biodegradable means, and if peanuts are biodegradable. (She leaves.) Ma: Hey gang! She's gone now! Peanuts are biodegradable! (Throw peanuts into crowd.)

Pencils

Man Wearing Cap Sideways (looking Goofy) holding pencils says, quietly: Pencils, Pencils, Pencils People Walk by in disgust Good Scout: Let me help you sell your Pencils Vendor: Okay! Good Scout: First you need to get their Attention first you must Yell "PENCILS!" Now you try it Vendor: Quietly "pencils" Scout: Louder Vendor: a little louder "PEncils" Scout: Really Loud Vendor: Jumping up and Yelling at the top of his lungs: "P_E_N_C_I_L_S!!" Scout: Okay, Now how much are they? Vendor: Duh, I dunno Scout: Say "3 for 5" Vendor: 3-4-5 Scout: Okay are they Sharp? Vendor: I dunno Scout: Say Some are, Some aren't Vendor: Some are , Some aren't Scout: Okay if someone does not want to buy them what do you say? Vendor: I dunno Scout: Say If you don't someone else will Vendor: If you don't someone else will Scout: Good, that ought to help you have a good day! Man enters holding magazine... Vendor jumps up and knocks the magazine out of man's hands yelling ,"PENCILS!" Man: Do you know how much this magazine costs? Vendor: 3-4-5? Man: Is the rest of your family as smart as you are? Vendor: Some are, Some aren't Man: Would you like me to knock your head off? Vendor: If you don't someone else will! Hope ya like it, quite popular in the San Joaquin area. -- Thanks to Bill Warren, Scoutmaster Troop 515 Tracy CA Version 2: A sales manager is trying to teach a dumb salesman how to sell. The manager tells the trainee to listen to him carefully and he will teach him how to sell. He gives him the following instructions: 1. 2. 3. 4. Hold pencils in your hand and say, "Pencils for sale." Practice saying that. Next people will ask how much they are so say, "Ten cents. Three for a quarter." Then they will ask what color so you tell them yellow. Now they will either buy them or they won't. If they don't buy say, "If you don't, someone else will." -- 66 -January 1997

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

The manager has him repeat the instructions back and leaves him on his own. What happens is that the trainee is left on his own and starts calling out pencils for sale when another person rushing by and the trainee doesn't notice him and they collide falling to the ground. They have the following dialogue: 1. The customer asks if he knows how much the suit cost and the trainee tells him ten cents, three for a quarter. 2. The customer getting mad asks the trainee who do you think I am, to which the trainee replies, "Yellow." 3. The customer really mad says, "Do you want someone to punch you in the nose." To which the trainee replies, "If you don't, someone else will." At this point the customer beats up the trainee salesman and they leave the stage.

Pet Shop

Cast: Customer, Shopkeeper Setting: Pet Shop Customer: I'd like to buy a turtle. Shopkeeper: Well, here's one of the only three turtles I have left -- they sell real well out here but turtle shipments are few and far between. Customer: Gee, thanks! Just the kind I was looking for, too! Later, customer comes in with dead turtle and is a little distraught. Customer: Look! He's dead already! How old was he? Shopkeeper: Here, here. Let me see. Hmm. Look, having pets die on customers on the first day they buy them is bad for business, so here's a new one. No charge. Customer: Thank you! That's so gracious of you. Later, customer comes in with dead turtle and is more distraught. Customer: Are you sure these turtles are okay? This one died on me too! Shopkeeper: Let me see. Hmm. Well, here's the last of my three turtles, and though I won't get another shipment for a while, you can have it for free. Customer: You are the nicest man I know. Thank you so much! Later, customer comes in with dead turtle and is hysterical and crying. Customer: What are you trying to do to me? This one died too! Shopkeeper: Let me see this. This is bugging me too. Say. They all have scratches on the shells. Why? What were you doing with them? Customer: (Sniffing) Well, I was only trying to give my car a turtle wax!

Pickin' Cotton

A guy is standing in the middle of the ring. Someone wanders in, stage left, carrying a boombox. "Hey, nice radio! Where'd you get it?" "Pickin' Cotton" and he continues wandering off stage right. Another guy wanders in wearing a fancy shirt, stage left. "Wow, cool shirt! Where'd you get it?" "Pickin' Cotton" and he wanders off stage right. Another guy wanders in wearing bright pants and fancy shoes, stage left. "Awesome shoes, man. Where'd you get them?" "Pickin' Cotton" and he wanders off stage right. A guy limps in, stage left, beat up and wearing nothing except a towel wrapped around him. "Who are you??" "I'm Cotton!" and he limps off stage right. -- Thanks to Bob Jenkins

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January 1997

Pickpocket

"Freddy Fingers and Hands Harry" meet and embrace each other. They Tell where they've been in the last few years, and as they say good-bye, one says to the other, "on you may want this." He gives back his watch. This exchange of articles continues until one hands back the other person's pair of underwear. Variation: This can also be done as a contest with one of the finalists ending up with the underwear. The other finalist looks into his pants yelps and runs off.

Pickpockets

Two friends meet and ask each how they are doing. Each reveals that he has become a pickpocket and claims to be the best pickpocket ever. They agree to find out. They back up ten steps and walk toward each other, bumping into each other as they pass. The first person says: "Well I guess this settles it, I am the best. Look at all the stuff I got (show these items). Here is your wallet, your watch, you pocket knife, and your comb. I still have all those things, so I guess I win." The other man says "I guess so, All I got was this! (he holds up a pair of underwear!) -- Thanks to Merl Whitebook, Troop 1, Tulsa, Okla

Pickpockets #2

The two pickpockets decide to demonstrate how great they are upon the innocent man walking down the road. The two pickpockets bump into the innocent man, and walk past. The then show everything they got. Use your imagination. Then the ask the audience if the saw how they did it. Audience says no, so the pickpockets say they will do it once again. Repeat the act. Ask again if the audience saw it. When they say no, agree to do it one more time. This time the pickpockets do it in slow motion! The pickpockets bump into the innocent man, pick him up, turn him upside down, shake, and then put him down and walk off! The two part skits can be done individually, but they are fun if done one first and then perhaps with a skit or song in between, and then the next one. -- Thanks to Merl Whitebook, Troop 1, Tulsa, Okla

Pie in the Face

This skit requires pie plates, shaving cream, towels, 3 plastic raincoats, or something similar (i.e. plastic bags). At least five people need to be involved. There is the narrator, the three members of the pie in the face team, and the person(s) who delivers the pies to the pie in the face team. This skit works best if everyone in the skit is serious, official, and ceremonious. Ply up the ceremony and the official part of he skit. The skit starts off with the narrator about the history of the grand art of pie throwing. He introduces the three members of the team who will receive the pie in the face. The team marches out and stands at attention. As the narrator continues to talk a person comes out with three pies on a tray and hands them to the three members of the pie in the face team. The narrator describes the various pie in the face throws that have evolved through the centuries. In every case the person in the middle receives the pie in the face. Examples of pie throws are the classic pie in the face, the pie on the top of the head, the double pie in the face, the pies on the side of the head, and the swing, miss and hit. You can have the person in the middle change places and still get a pie in the face. The last thing that happens is that the guy in the middle who was getting all the pies in the face gets the other two members of the pie in the face team. During all this keep the members of the pie in the face team supplied with pies. This can go on as long as you would like. Another thing is wipe off the pie in the face team faces once in a while. Be original and creative with skit.

The Pilfered Warehouse

Otherwise known as "The Empty Boxes" in the Leader Magazine. Text from The Best of the Leader Cut Out Pages. Cast: Manager, Guard, 3 Workmen, large cardboard boxes. Setting: Factory Gate. Manager: (To new guard) I'm giving you the very responsible position of gate guard at this factory. Because of the lack of vigilance by your predecessors, the workers have stolen so many finished articles that the firm is heading for bankruptcy. Your duty is to ensure this is brought to an end. Do you understand? Guard: Yes Sir. I am to stop stealing. Manager: That's right. You can search people if necessary. Now it's up to you, and let's see some results. Guard: Very good, Sir. (Manager leaves; guard takes post; first workman enters carrying a cloth draped box.) Just a moment. What have you got in that box? #1: What do you mean? Guard: What have you got in that box? It's my duty to see that no one takes stuff out of the factory. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 68 -January 1997

#1: Why didn't you say? There's nothing in the box. Look! (He shows everyone the box is empty.) Guard: Oh, well, that's all right then. #1 leaves and #2 enters, box draped as before. Guard and workman go through routine of looking in the box. Repeat with #3. After #3 has left, the manager races in enraged. Manager: You idiot! I hired you to stop this pilfering. You've only been here half an hour and already we're losing things! Guard: But the only people who went out were three men with boxes. I stopped them all and they all had nothing in them. Manager: You fool! We make boxes!

The Pirate Family

A good joke on Scouting. Of course it can be easily modified, but keep the punch line. Cast: Pirate Parents, three or four Pirates, one or two Beavers, Cubs or Scouts in full uniform Mom: You know, we came from a great lineage of pirates. All were really mean and ferocious. For instance, there was Long John Silver. LJS: (Comes out) Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of Rum! Let's see if I can catch that bum! Dad: And of course we can't forget Captain Hook. Hook: (Comes out) Let's get that Peter Pan once and for all! Mom: Then there was Captain Kidd that nobody was afraid of. But he was still a great pirate. Kidd: (Comes out, looks funny) I may look funny but I'm great with a sword. (And he proves it.) Mom & Dad: But look at us! All we had were Cubs! (Cubs walk out.)

Plane Landing

Pilot and control tower voice are located on opposite sides of the stage area. A out of sight on the pilot's side makes engine noises. Another person starts the skit by saying, "I think that there is a plane overhead." PILOT (yelling loudly): "Pilot to control tower - "I'm coming in. Give me landing instructions!" CONTROL TOWER (in loud monotone as if through a microphone): "Control tower to pilot - why are you yelling so loud!" PILOT: "Pilot to control tower, pilot to control tower -- I haven't got a RADIO!"

Play Ball

The scene is set with an umpire, a catcher, a pitcher, first baseman, second baseman and third baseman. The players run out to their positions, start talking and acting like they're ready to play ball. The Umpire tells the players to play ball. Then the pitcher looks around with a worried expression and starts to cry. The catcher goes out to see what is matter and starts to cry as well. Follow the same routine with First, Second and Third Baseman. The Umpire finally asks in expiration what is the matter. The pitcher replies that they don't have a ball.

PLC Meeting

Scene: Six to eight players sit around a table scattered with papers, a couple of water glasses, etc. They mime a discussion, some jotting down notes, etc. Enter the narrator, outfitted as a news reporter. In confidential tones, the reporter explains that this is an important meeting of the Patrol Leaders Council, gathered on this occasion to make some very important decisions. As the narrator says something like, "Let's see if we can get a bit closer to hear how things are going", the group at the table add some mumbling and unintelligible arguing to their mime. Occasionally, they punctuate the din with outbursts such as, "No, no!"; "I disagree!", "That's better"; "No way!"; "That might work"; and the like. finally, the hubbub dies, the group settles back. One member stands and announces, "hen it's decided; a Large pizza with mushrooms, onions cheese, sausage and pepperoni., hold the anchovies." "All: Agreed!"

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

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January 1997

Poison Spring

One by one the boys drag on stage crying for water. Each reaches a bucket with a ladle and takes a drink, splashing some water to show there is really water in it and dies. Ham up the dying as much as you want. More than ladle may be needed so that there is plenty of water to slosh around. The next to the last person starts to drink from the bucket, when the last person comes in sees all the dead bodies and yells for the other guy to drink from the bucket, that it is poison. The last person throws the bucket in the audience which really only contains rice or confetti; only the ladles had water.

The Poor Excuses

Boy, do skits ever present variations of themselves over time, this one over but a period of a month. Cast: Army sergeant, 3 privates Setting: Boot Camp The three privates are in line, side by side, listening to the sergeant's instructions. Sergeant: (using one of those yelling voices) OK men! Listen up! We're going to do a long, hard, invigorating, uphill quick march! I don't want any weenies! Left turn! (They all turn; sergeant takes up the front.) Quick forward march! They all begin doing a quick march (stay in place, of course.) All of a sudden, the private in back sneezes. Sergeant: Company Halt! OK, who did that? You? (Pointing to the first private.) Private: N-n-no Sir! Sergeant: I said no weenies! Integrity is important! All liars die! (Shoots the private.) Private: Oh! You shot and killed me! (Dies.) This last scene repeats itself with some variation, but essentially it's the same. The scene continues to repeat itself until finally, Sergeant: Who did that? You? Private: Y-y-yes Sir! Sergeant: Oh, you poor darling, do you have a cold? Here, have a tissue! Version 2: Essentially the same, but each private, having just been asked "Any objections?" giving a leering, threatening look, gives an excuse such as "I have to take care of my aging grandmother," "I left a tap running," and so on. Each one is killed, or dismissed, according to your desires. Finally, after all are dead or dismissed, he exclaims, "Ah, good! I wasn't looking forward to this march anyway. I'll just go lie down."

Pop Commercial

Have one fellow standing, holding an unopened pop bottle, the next holding a bottle opener (or stands ready to open the container, one hand as if holding the container and the other hand raised over it), the other two doing nothing. The first guy examines the bottle real close and passes it to third guy who guzzles it, pretend or for real, and passes the empty container to the last guy. This guy looks at the empty bottle or container with a sick look on his face and then burps as loudly as he can.

Post Office / King's Royal Paper

Version 1: Post Office Cast: Post Office Clerk, People in line, Person, a few letters and small boxes, and one wrapped box with a roll of toilet paper in it. Setting: Post Office Person is last in line, clerk is behind a desk, serving people, box with toilet paper 1: 5 stamps, please. Clerk: $2.00, please. 2: My mail, please. (Clerk hands it to him.) 3: This to Albuquerque. Clerk takes it. 4: Has my package arrived yet? Clerk: (Checks.) No, I'm sorry Sir. Next day, same type scenario occurs, with person 4 always last in line, always asking for his package, which hasn't arrived yet. Each day this repeats, his legs become more and more crossed, he's more fidgety, more nervous, more anxious, more desperate, till finally, on the last day he's up again. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 70 -January 1997

4: (Yelling out) Has my package arrived yet? Clerk: Yes Sir! Here it is! 4: (Relieved, tearing open the box) Thank you! Now I can go to the washroom! Version 2: The King's Royal Paper Essentially the same type of cast plus a guard; you also need newspaper, a notepad, scrap paper, cardboard and so on. Have servants ham it up when their head is about to be cut off. King: I want my Royal Paper! 1: Here, Sire, The Royal Newspaper! King: No! That's not it! Guard, Off with his head! 2: Sire! Your Royal Writing paper! King: Fool! Off with his head! 3: Your Highness! Here is The Royal Scratch Paper! King: (Furious) If I wanted to draw I'd have called for Crayons! Off with his head! 4: Your Grace! Here is the Royal Paper! (Hands him the toilet paper.) King: Thank you! (Runs off to washroom.)

Potted Plant

A scout pretending to be a delivery boy comes wandering through the meeting with a potted plant which he says is for Mrs. Mergertroid. He comes back through the meeting several times each time saying, "Potted plant for Mrs. Mergetroid." Each time the potted plant gets bigger. The last time he comes in carrying a small tree. Finally the leader says there isn't any adults here, just kids. Delivery boy looks at the card and says. "Oh for heaven's sake. I've been reading it wrong, the plant is from Mrs. Mergetroid For ; Name of some one in the unit."

Presents for the Teacher

Kids bring in presents for their teacher on the first day of school. The teacher can tell what the child's parents does by the present he brings such as apples from parent's fruit stand, baker's child brings rolls, candy maker candy. The last person brings in a crudely wrapped package, with yellow liquid leaking out. The teacher tastes the liquid and states that his father must run a bottling factory. The child replies that no his dad is a dogcatcher and that it is a puppy in the package.

Prisoner

A prisoner is brought before a judge. The policeman says that he caught him red-handed. Judge asks if it is true and the prisoner says, "Well, maybe so and maybe not". The prisoner is asked if he has stolen before and he replies, "Mmmm ... now & then". Judge, impatient now, asks where he stole these things and the prisoner replies here and there. Judge tells the policeman to lock him up ! Prisoner asks when he will get out of jail. Judge smugly says, "Oh, sooner or later."

The Professor's Address

A silly fill-in for a number of dull moments. Cast: Announcer, Professor Glitzenshiner Announcer: Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Today I have the great honor of presenting to you Professor Gliztenshiner. Professor Gliztenshiner is a little known quack whose main field of expertise is geography. He attended Whatsamatta U. for his undergraduate degree in geographic localization; he went to Duck University for his Masters in human geography. He did his Doctorate at the Idiot Institute of Illinois on World geography, and is now on world tour addressing crowds large and small on Systems of Geography. Please, Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce Professor Gliztenshiner who will now give you his address. Professor Glitzenshiner: My address is 1234 Pine Street. Thank you. bows)

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

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January 1997

Puppy in the Box

Props: A cardboard box, and a stuffed dog (or rabbit, etc.) Announcer: This scene takes place on the street outside a grocery store. (Several participants are gathered around outside the store, chatting.) Roger : (Enters holding the box) Hi guys, would you please hold this box for me while I go into the store ? (Exits) Martin: I wonder what's in the box ? Gerry : I don't know, but something is leaking out ! Bob : (Rubs finger against the bottom of box, then licks finger) Hmmm, it tastes like lemon soda. Martin: (Also rubs box and tastes finger) No. I think it's more like chicken soup. Roger : (Returns, looks in box) Oh, you naughty puppy ! Version 2: Cast: Owner, 1st Pedestrian, 2 Friends, box Setting: Street Corner Owner: (Walking up to #1) Would you hold my box? I have to go into a store for a moment. #1: Sure! Be glad to. #2: (Walks up.) Hey! What's in the box? #1: I don't know. This guy comes up to me and hands it to me. Hey! It's leaking! Maybe it's ice cream and it's melting. Let's taste it. (Taste drip) Tastes like vanilla ice cream to me! #2: (Tastes it.) Chocolate it is, my friend. Hey Joe! Try this -- what does it taste like? Joe: (Tastes it.) Definitely pistachio. #1: Naw! It's vanilla! #2: I told you, it's chocolate! Owner comes back. #1: Mister -- what's in the box? Vanilla ice cream? #2: Or chocolate? Joe: It tastes like pistachio to me! Owner: How foolish of you guys. That's my pet dog! Guys show disgusted faces.

A Quiet Day

One player stands with his ear to a fence (an old painted sheet will work) as if listening intently. Several others enter to watch. One of them asks, "What do you hear?" "Listen!" he says dramatically. They all listen, look puzzled. Another says, "I don't hear anything. " "Listen!" first player says again. The routine repeats once or twice more. Finally, one player says with great disgust, "I don't hear anything!" "Funny," says the first player, "it's been like that all day!" Players exit.

Raisin

1st Scout comes out: Gets down on all fours, pretending to be a table. 2nd Scout comes out, looks at the table and declares "Ahh, a fly, I think I'll pull it's wings off" Proceeds to pick it up, pluck the wings, put it back on the table, and walks off.. 3rd Scout comes out, looks at the fly on the table and says; "Oh, a fly with no wings, I think I'll pull it's legs off", With great precision and animation, picks up the fly, removes it's legs, and puts it back and walks off. 4th Scout comes out, looks at the fly and announces; "Say, a fly with no wings and no legs, I think I'll pull it's head off." Then proceeds as the other Scout before him. Last Scout comes out looks at the table, then carefully inspects the object with out picking it up and says very quickly "A raisin !" and quickly picks it up and eats it.

Real Thing

7-up salesmen is sent to Africa to establish a market there. He is reported missing with along with a large supply of 7-up. A search party is sent out after him. After a long search, they finally come to a village of cannibals. Questioning the cannibal chief, they find out he has been eaten. The Chief explains: "we ate his head and drank 7-up, then we ate his arms and drank 7-up,, when we ate his legs, we drank 7-up, and then we ate his thing." The search party puzzled asks, "why didn't you drink 7-up after eating his thing?". The Chief replies: "Don't be Silly, Things Go Better With COKE!" The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 72 -January 1997

Reggie and the Colonel

Characters: Reggie, big, dumb, Bermudas, high socks, safari hat, glasses, down on nose, mustache, carries gun in front of him. Colonel: short, limp, monocle, no gun, just small knapsack, has cane. Scene: Walking in place through darkest Africa, speaking pronounced English accent. Colonel: (excited, jumping and pointing with cane) Reggie, look... Did you see it, Reggie ? Reggie: See what??! No, no, where, where ?? Colonel: Oh, Reggie, It was a beautiful condor, 8 foot wing span, beautiful colors. Reggie: No. I didn't see it. Colonel: Wish You'd pay closer attention. (They continue walking). Colonel: Did you see it, Reggie? Reggie: No, what? Colonel: A spotted Zebra...Wish you'd pay closer attention. Colonel: (later) Did you see it, Reggie?? Did you see it? Reggie: No I missed it ... what was it? Colonel: An ooh-aah bird. Reggie: Ooh-aah bird. What's a ooh aah bird?? Colonel: An ooh-aah bird is a 2 pound bird that lays a 3 pound egg, like Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh-aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (face lights up). (continue walking). Reggie: Whispers to audience: Next time I'll say yes - pretend like I saw it. I'll fool him. Colonel: Reggie, Reggie did you see it! (excited) Reggie: I saw it, I saw it! Colonel: Then why in heaven's name did you step in it? !!!

this:

The Restaurant

Use plastic glasses, and have the Waiter wear an apron and carry a towel over his arm. The Waiter will need a tray for glasses of water. Two volunteers are recruited from the audience. The get down on their hands and knees. The Announcer welcomes everybody to his restaurant, and introduces the volunteers as his tables. Some Scouts enter and sit or kneel around one table. They call for the Waiter, and order glasses of water. They sit and talk while they are waiting. Another group of Scouts also enters, and also orders water. The Waiter serves both groups, placing glasses on the backs of the 'tables'. The groups sit and talk as they sip their drinks, returning them to the table each time. One or two at a time, the Scouts make their excuses, and get up and leave. "This water is terrible." "Let's go over to Joe's Bar and have another round." "Sorry, guys. I've got to be getting home." Eventually, the tables are left alone, with the glasses of water still full on the tabletops. The Master of Ceremonies moves on to the next event.

Restaurant Minutes

The scene is two guys enter a greasy spoon type of restaurant that has a customer and a grill type cook with a stained apron. The cook says that all they have is soup and a hot dog. The first man says he will take the soup and the other man says he wants the same. The cook tells them if one wants the soup the other has to have the hot dog. The second man agrees and asks to have mustard put on the hot dog and the waiter leaves. The third asks if they steal, referring to the cook. The first man says the cook will steal your shirt off your back if he could. The first & second man get their order, the cook dropping the silverware, then wiping them off with his dirty apron. Second man tells the cook that he wanted mustard on his hot dog. The cook squeezes mustard off his apron onto the hot dog. First man says that there is a fly in his soup. The cook retrieves the fly out of the soup, squeezing it, telling the fly to spit it all back. The third man disgusted, makes a comment and walks out without his pants. His pants have been stolen.

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Rise, Walk, and Kill, Igor

Cast: Dr. Mad, Igor, Bank Manager, Cable Company, Electrician Setting: Dr. Mad's Laboratory Dr. Mad: (Talking to crowd, with one of those sinister, horror movies voices.) I just love my new invention, Igor. He is a robot and is such a good servant. I would just love to demonstrate him to you. (Someone knocks on the door.) Ah! Here's my chance. Come in! Manager: Hello, Sir. I've come today to talk to you about your banking. It seems your account is overdrawn by twenty million dollars. Dr. Mad: Oh, please, come in. I would love to discuss this over coffee. But first, may I show you my newest invention? This is Igor. You see, whenever I say, Rise, Igor, he rises (Igor rises.) And if I say, Walk, Igor, he walks (Igor walks toward manager.) And should I say, Kill, Igor, he kills (Igor strangles manager, then lies down on his table.) This is so neat what I've invented. (Someone knocks on door.) Oh, someone else is at the door. Coming! Cableman: Hello, Sir. I've come today to disconnect the cable, because you haven't paid you cable bills in 6 months. Dr. Mad: Oh, please, come in. I would love to discuss this over coffee. But first, may I show you my newest invention? This is Igor. You see, whenever I say, Rise, Igor, he rises (Igor rises.) And if I say, Walk, Igor, he walks (Igor walks toward cableman.) And should I say, Kill, Igor, he kills (Igor strangles cableman, then lies down on his table.) I say, what an invention. (Someone knocks on door.) Oh, someone else is at the door. Coming! Electrician: Hello, Sir. I've come today to talk about your power consumption and how to reduce it. I seems that you are often short-circuiting the system. Dr. Mad: Oh, please, come in. I would love to discuss this over coffee. But first, may I show you my newest invention? This is Igor. You see, whenever I say, Rise, Igor, he rises (Igor rises.) And if I say, Walk, Igor, he walks (Igor walks toward electrician.) And should I say, Kill, Igor, he kills (Igor strangles electrician then lies down on his table.) Without a doubt, a great invention. (To audience again.) I am so impressed with myself and my invention. You see, all I have to do is say, Rise, Igor and he gets up (Igor Rises.) Then I just say, Walk, Igor and he walks (Igor walks to Dr. Mad.) And just by saying, Kill, Igor, I solve many problems! (Igor strangles Dr. Mad.) AHHHHHHHH!

River Run

The narrator tells the audience they are going to explore the wilderness. He sets the scene with members of his patrol. Two members are the river, (they are always moving around. The Trees, bushes remain still. The uniformed volunteers play the rocks and they in the front with their backs to the rest of the cast. The narrator walks to each person as he describes the items.) Then trees, bushes, squirrel, rabbit, etc. When you run out of members, solicit two or three volunteers to be the rocks. Sit them down in front of the rest of the scene. Now the narrator says: "Come with us now as we explore the beautiful wilderness. Here with have these great oak trees, mixed among the giant pine trees. Next we have these rabbits and squirrel playing in the wilderness. And we find these rocks. Remnant of the very beginning of our planet, nestled here near the river bed. These are wild gooseberry bushes. Notice the berries are growing all over. Finally we come to the rushing river. Always moving, the river tumbles down the canyon, hurries through the rapids and washes up against the rocks!" (at this point the people playing the river grab buckets of water and douse the persons playing the rocks.)

Rowing

Four or more people sneak up behind the speaker and set chairs down so that "the speaker can't see them." They then begin to go through the motions of casting a line and reeling it in. After a while the audience is watching what the group is doing and then the "speaker" looks over and asks, "What are you doing?" "We're fishing!" is the reply of the fishermen, after which they go back to their motions and the speaker resumes talking. After a short time the speaker looks over and says - "But you can't fish here!" "Why not?" asks another fisherman?" Because there's no water here!" (speaker) "Oh, well, they weren't biting anyway!" (fisherman) The fishermen then turn their chairs so that they are lined up in a single line, facing in the same direction. They go through the motions of putting their gear away, and then, acting as if they are rowing a boat, slide their chairs backwards across the stage."

Salesman

A scout begins to sell white water balloons to scouts at summer camp.: He is yelling water balloons for sale. Various customer come up to he to buy one. However they want colored balloons and the salesman only has white balloons. The salesman is very rude to them. He replies: What's the matter. These plates are the same shape as what you want only a different color." Finally one of the first customers comes back and asked to buy a balloon. The Scout hands the salesman a penny for the balloon. The Salesman stops him and says: "Hey what

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this, they are 10 cents!" The customer replies: "What's the matter, the coin is the same shape as the one you want, a similar size, only a different color!"

Saloon

Cast: 2 Cowboys, Sheriff, Goofball Setting: Saloon #1 & 2 and the sheriff are in talking to each other while goofball is polishing his gun. #1: I'm so brave that I once faced a pit full of hissing, poisonous snakes and shot each one before I climbed out. #2: That's nothing. I once was all alone helping all sorts of people when a flood came through town. Sheriff: I'm really brave, that's why I'm sheriff. I once put away 20 bad guys all by myself. (Goofball's gun fires accidentally.) Goofball: (All three guys run off, really scared.) Gee, I was only washing my gun!

Sarge And The Private

Sarge and private walking. Private: "I want to rest!" Sarge: "No! we have to finish this hike keep going!" Private: "But my feet hurt" etc. (Whining.) Here you can be creative, add a few more excuses... Sarge: "Absolutely NOT!!!" Private: "Ill cry..." Sarge: "Go ahead!" Private: "WaaaaaaHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!" Here Sarge gives in and they rest. Next the private wants to stop and ' take a wee' (you can always use the "Weeee!" when the Sarge finally gives in after the same Rigmarole. and next a drink, and finally food. But this is only a day hike so there is no food. After more tears, the Sarge finds a worm and the private will only eat it (on the threat of more tears) if the Sarge eats half. Of course when he finally does, the private starts bawling again and screams Private: "You ate my half."

School's on Fire

Scout wanders through area several times holding a glass of water: When asked what he is doing, he replies that the school is on fire. Leader: How do you expect to put the fire out with a tiny glass of water?" Boy answers, "this ain't water, it's gas.

Scientific Genius

The scene is the launching pad of a large rocket which can be cut from a large piece of cardboard. There is an elaborate countdown, but the rocket fails to go off at zero. All those present inspect it and check on a number of highly-scientific-sounding devices - the supersonic sector wire; the exhaust fin fan stand; the sub-stabilizer exidizer, etc. All seem perfect. Finally the smallest boy says: "I've found the trouble. Somebody forgot to put in the fuel.

The Scout Uniform

This skit needs two Scouts, both dressed in full Scout uniform, complete with shoes, socks, neckerchief, and hat. Only a little rehearsal is needed, and it is best to ad lib as the Scouts go along. Scout #2 should demonstrate Scout#1's requests as quickly as possible, playing for the audience's response. By the end of the skit, the second Scout will be a complete mess. Scout #1: "Good evening Scouts and parents. Tonight my associate and I will demonstrate the proper way to wear the official Boy Scout uniform for all of our mothers present, and especially for the new Scouts and their mothers." Scout #1 reads from a list: "First, notice the lovely shade of khaki and red. See how the colors complement each other?" Scout #2 acts as a model, posing and waving his hand in a smooth motion from hat to trousers. "Notice the badges identifying the patrol, rank, troop number, office, and council." Scout #2 points to each patch in succession. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 75 -January 1997

"Now notice the stiff collar, the neatly sewn shirt buttons, and the absence of lint in his trouser pockets." Scout #2 turns up the collar, pulling his neckerchief askew. He begins to unbutton his shirt, and pulls out his pants pockets, dropping the contents on the floor. "See the neat pant cuffs, shiny leather shoes, and crumpled shirt tails." Scout #2 lifts a pant leg (which stays up), takes off and holds up a shoe, and pulls out his shirt tails and waves them at the audience. "Also check out the regulation hat and belt, clean undershirt, and ears." Scout #2 takes off his hat to show and puts it back a bit lopsided. He unbuckles his belt and leaves it hanging. Then he finishes unbuttoning his shirt to show off his clean undershirt. He sticks a finger in his ear, turns it, and takes it out and inspects it. "Finally, notice the stitched shirt cuffs, color coordinated Scout socks, and clean hands." Scout #2 unbuttons one shirtsleeve cuff and shows it off. He takes off a sock and waves it proudly, holding it up to his shirt for comparison. Then he stuffs the sock partly into a pocket and displays his clean hands. "Thank you ladies and gentlemen for your attention. Scouts, I expect you to wear your uniforms as proudly as my helpful assistant wears his."

Scoutmaster's Brains

A Scout goes to the trading post and asks to buy some tenderfoot brains, that'll be 25 cents. OK, (money and brains exchanged). Narrator: six months later. Same Scout back at trading post. "I'd like to buy some second class brains." "That'll be 50 cents." OK, (as before) Narrator: six months later I'd like to buy some first class brains - 75 cents - OK... Narrator: a year later I'd like to buy some star brains - 1.00 - OK... Narrator: a year later I'd like...Life brains - 1.25 - OK Narrator: a year later I'd like... Eagle brains - 1.50 - OK Narrator: 15 years later Same Scout goes to trading post again. "I'd like to buy some Scoutmaster's brains" "That'll be 200 dollars an ounce" "200 dollars, why so much?" "Do you have any idea how many Scoutmaster's it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

Scoutmaster's Gift

Six or seven scouts each bring in a wrapped present. The "presents" can be anything (paper clips, envelopes, a pencil, a block of wood); The Scoutmaster (camp director) being honored stands in front of the group. Scout 1 comes up with his present (paper clips, for example) and gives it to the SM. SM opens the package. "Oh gee, paper clips! How nice!" Scout 1: "Oh it was nothing, Mr. Jones. My dad works in a paper clip factory." Scout 2 comes up with his present (envelopes, for example) and gives it to the SM. SM opens the package. "Oh boy, envelopes. Thanks, Tommy." Scout 2: "No problem, Mr. Jones. The old man works in a stationery store." And so on to the last one -- Last scout comes up with a box, dripping water out of the bottom, and says, "I'm sorry, Mr. Jones, but my dad works in a pet store..."

Scoutmaster's Saw

Announcer: This scene takes place in a hardware store near Camp _______ home of the oldest surviving Scoutmaster. Scoutmaster (very old man): "My old crosscut saw is worn out, and I need something that will let me cut more wood for camp!" Owner: "Yes, sir! For only one hundred bucks you can be the proud owner of this chain saw. I guarantee that it will cut twice as much wood in a day as your old crosscut." Scoutmaster: (Handing over money) "O.K. great!" (Exits) Announcer: "The next day." Scoutmaster: (Enters tiredly) "There's something wrong with this saw. I worked very hard yesterday, and only cut half as much wood." Owner: "Well, sir, I have a lot of faith in this product. Here, I'll put a new chain on it and you give it another try." Scoutmaster: "O.K., but if it doesn't do any better, I'll be back! You can count on that!" (Exits) Announcer: "The next day." Scoutmaster: (Enters exhausted) "This darned saw is no good. I worked even harder, and still it won't cut half the wood of my old saw! I want my money back!" Owner: "Yes, sir ! Just let me check it out here." (Pulls starter rope) The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 76 -January 1997

Announcer: (Makes sound effects of saw running.) Scoutmaster: "Oh, my gosh! What on earth is all that noise?"

The Screwy Navel

Cast: Story Teller, Boy, several characters such as Mom, Dad, Bro, Sis, Drunk, Repairman, Priest, Clerk, Bus Driver, and so on. Teller: There once was a little boy who had a screw instead of a belly button, and was always curious about it. Finally one day he asks his Mom, Boy: Mommy, why do I have a screw instead of a belly button like everyone else? Mom: (Brushing him away,) I don't have time right now. Ask your father. Teller: The boy goes to his father and asks him the same question. (He asks; gets the same type of answer ("Paying the bills.") He goes around to several people in the town to whom he is referred by the last person, but always getting the same type of answer. Finally, he goes to the priest.) Boy: Father, why do I have a screw instead of a belly button like everyone else? Priest: My son, only God knows of such things. You should pray and ask him. Boy: Thank you, Father. (Begins praying.) God, why do I have a screw instead of a belly button like everyone else? Teller: All of a sudden, a big hand appears with a large screwdriver, connects with his screw, and turns. All of a sudden the boy falls down and hears, God: The screw is there to hold you together!

Shape Up!

Cub 1: Cub 2: Cub 1: Cub 3: Cub 4: Cub 3: Cub 5: Cub 6: I can lift an elephant with one hand. I don't believe you. Give me an elephant with one hand and I'll show you. I can bend bars with my bare hands. Iron bars? No, chocolate bars. Why are you jumping up and down? I took some medicine and forgot to shake well before using.

The Short Runway

Number of Participants: 2 (If more are desired, they can be passengers, with suitable sound effects and actions.) Props: Seating for pilot and co-pilot, and for passengers if required. A compass. Announcer: This scene is on board a very low budget airline. Pilot : Well, are we anywhere near the airport, co-pilot ? Co-Pilot : (peering out the window) I don't know... I see lights over there to the port. That's likely it. Bring 'er around and have a look. Pilot : (lurching plane hard to the left) Boy, I can't tell. I wish the company would buy us some instruments. Co-Pilot : (pulling compass from pocket) Oh, I've got my trusty compass and the sun went down about 20 minutes ago, so we've got to be on course. (Excited) Look, see that spot down there, that must be it. Pilot : Okay, here we go. Give me 20 degrees flaps, I'm going in. (Puts plane into a nose dive, sound effects.) Pilot : This is going to be tough. Give me more flaps, cut back the engines. (Louder) More flaps, less throttle ! Co-Pilot : (Appropriate actions and sounds, acting panicky.) Pilot : QUICK, cut the engines, give me brakes. MORE BRAKES ! Both : (Sighs of relief) We're down, we made it ! Pilot : Boy that was a short runway ! Co-Pilot : (Looking right, then left) Yep, and wide too !

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The Shrimpy Boxer

Version 1: Cast: Announcer, big boxer, 72 pound weakling, fry pan Announcer: Ladies and Gents! May I bring your attention to the center ring where we will have our main attraction! Little John will be fighting against a new contender, named Shrimpy! 1-2-3 Go! They box -- Shrimpy gets hit this way, that way, is really losing until at the last moment, he throws one weak punch and Little John falls unconscious. Announcer: 1! 2! 3! Shrimpy wins! Now let's look at that in slow motion! Boxers get up, and the scene repeats itself slowly in slow motion, and when Shrimpy is throwing his punch, someone quickly -- and I mean unaffected by slow motion -- runs up and swings the fry pan against Little John's head. Version 2: Similar to the above, but it never gets to the fight. The Announcer is explaining the rules and says "We'll have none of this!" (kicks Little John in the groin) "Or this!" (breaks arm over his knee) "Or this!" (kicks in the knees) "And of course this! is prohibited!" (hits over the head with the fry pan) "Understood? Good! Go!" And of course one weak punch from Shrimpy knocks him out.

Shut Up!

Cast: Shut Up, Trouble, Police Officer, Narrator Setting: Woods, Then a Police Station (as per narration) Narrator: There once were a brother and sister called Shut Up and Trouble. They liked to go on walks together. (SU & T are walking through the woods.) One day, they were walking along in the woods together and Trouble got lost. (T walks off; SU looks around but can't find her.) So Shut Up went to the police station to report a missing person. Police officer: Can I help you? What's your name? Shut Up: Shut Up, Sir. Police Officer: That's a bit impolite. What's your name, boy? Shut Up: Shut Up, Sir. Police Officer: You should watch your manners, boy. What's your name? Shut Up: Shut Up, Sir. Police Officer: Young man, are you looking for trouble? Shut Up: Yes, Sir, she's lost! Do you know where she is?

The Siberian Chicken Farmer

Farmer: "Here, chick chick chick ... Here, chick chick ... chick ..." Two military types come up behind the farmer. Police: "Comrade! Vat are you Doink!" Farmer: "I'm feedink my chickens" Police: "Vat are you Feedink dem, Comrade??" Farmer: "Corn." Police: "Fool! There is a shortage of corn!!!" They beat him up. Oof. Ow. Police, dragging him away: "Three years in the work camps for you!" Narrator: Three years later, ... Farmer: "Here, chick chick chick ... Here, chick chick ... chick ..." Two military types come up behind the farmer. Farmer, standing up some: "Uh oh ..." Police: "Comrade! Vat are you Doink!" Farmer: "I'm feedink my chickens" Police: "Vat are you Feedink dem, Comrade??" Farmer: "Wheat." Police: "Fool! There is a shortage of wheat!!!" They beat him up. Oof. Ow. Police, dragging him away: "Five years in the work camps for you!"

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Narrator: Five years later, ... Farmer: "Here, chick chick chick ... Here, chick chick ... chick ..." Two military types come up behind the farmer. Farmer, standing up some: "Uh oh ..." Police: "Comrade! Vat are you Doink!" Farmer: "I'm feedink my chickens" Police: "Vat are you Feedink them, Comrade??" Farmer: "Rubles." Police: "Rubles? But vy are you feedink them rubles, Comrade?" Farmer: "They can buy their own food!" -- Thanks to Bob Jenkins

Sidewalk Climbing

Cast: 1 Sidewalk Climber. 2 - 3 Passers-by and 2 offstage personnel Also needed: "Tools" - Climbing tools or even two tent stakes will work. Long rope The skit begins with the "sidewalk climber" lying on his stomach on the floor. (The plastic garbage bag is used if needed to prevent splinters) The rope is tied around the climber's waist (like a safety line) and leads offstage (to the offstage personnel.) In the climber's hands are "climbing tools" which can be anything that a climber would use to climb rocks, or even sticks, it really doesn't matter too much. The climber simulates climbing up a rock formation by getting a good hold with his tool and pulling up (sliding across the floor), then getting a good hold with the other tool, etc.... 1st Passer-by: What in the world do you think you're doing here? Climber: "Why, I'm sidewalk climbing! It's a really dangerous hobby. It takes a lot of strength and concentration. One mistake and it's all over!" (Continues climbing) 1st Passer-by: "You're crazy!" (Passer-by walks off.) Climber: Continues to make the climbing action across the floor. 2nd P-by: "Hey mister/lady, what ARE you doing there?" Climber: "I'm sidewalk climbing! Not everybody can do this sport. It takes a great deal of training and strength. One slip and it's all over!" 2nd P-by: "What a nut!" (The passer-by takes one of the tools and walks off the climber now has to try to climb with only one tool - makes it look a lot harder.) Climber: "Oh no! Thank goodness I still have THIS tool, I think I can still make it!" (Continues "climbing.") 3rd P-by: "Wow, look at this weirdo! Just what is it you think you're doing?" Climber: "I'm SIDEWALK CLIMBING!" (Climber must grunt out the words due to the extra effort it takes to climb with only one tool.) "This is a really dangerous sport and I lost one of my climbing tools. All it takes is one wrong move and I'm in real trouble!" 3rd P-by: "This is really dumb! You're just lying on the sidewalk! There's nothing dangerous about that. Nothing will happen if you slip. Here..... I'll PROVE it to you!" (Passer-by takes the last tool out of the climber's hand.) Climber: "Oh No!" (and tries to hang on to the tool) (Just as the tool is taken out of the climber's hand, the offstage personnel pull on the rope and pull the climber out of sight, as the climber yells "Ahhhhhhhhhh.... look what you've done now!") 3rd P-by: Looks at audience with a sheepish look on his/her face, shrugs shoulders, and quietly walks off the stage.

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Singer

A guy comes on stage singing in a terrible voice. He acts pompous to a friend saying how is such a great singer. Friend says that he had better quit because of poor health, not the singers, but everyone else's.

Six Wise Travelers

The six wise travelers came to a river and discuss ways to get across. One of them sees a boy with a boat and asks him to take them across. the boy says they can use the boat, but he will not take them across. The travelers all get in the boat and it sinks. They scramble out of the river and count themselves, but do it wrong and come up short a person. This can be done more than once. They tell the boy if he can find the missing traveler they will give him a bag of gold. The boy counts them. gets it right, they give him the gold telling the boy how good he is and that maybe he will grow up to be as smart as they are. The travelers then jump in and swim across the river.

The Sleep Walker

You will need three scouts or male scout leaders and one girl scout or lady leader. You can do this with adults or youngsters, but do not mix adults and youngsters. The scene is that three boys are chatting in a group when from the side of the stage, a young lady walks on, hands in front of her, sleep walking. She walks up to the first boy, takes off his tie and walks off taking his tie with her. 1st boy " Hey she's pinched my tie." (another word for Pinched is stole or took) 2nd boy " It's dangerous to wake sleep walkers, don't worry shell bring it back when she wakes up." The girl walks back and takes the second boys jacket, she walks off carrying it with her. 2nd boy "Hey she's pinched my jacket." 3rd boy "It's dangerous to wake sleep walkers, don't worry shell bring it back, when she wakes up." The girl walks back still sleep walking, grabs the 3rd boy by the arm and walks off with him. 3rd boy "It's dangerous to wake sleep walkers, but don't worry shell bring me back when she wakes up." -- Thanks to the Australian Scout Association

Slug Trainers

Several slug trainers bring on their trained slug and deposit it in the stage center. The slug is a person encased in a sleeping bag. On command the slug performs various trick such rolling over, leaping in the air slightly, etc. A volunteer is brought from the audience and is told that the slug is trained to crawl over the human body. The volunteer lays down and the slug crawls across him leaving a dribble of water or brown cotton balls. The trainers apologize and exclaim, "Sorry, but our slug isn't potty trained."

The Smart Scout

A young Eagle candidate is brought in for his Eagle Board of Review. He is asked if he has completed all of his required Merit Badges? The scout says, "Well, maybe so and maybe not". The Scoutmaster asks the Scout if he has lived with scout spirit? The scout replies, "Mmmm ... now & then". Scoutmaster, impatient now, asks if him where he did his Eagle project and the scout replies "here and there". The Scoutmaster dismisses the Scout. The Scout asks "when will I receive my Eagle award. The Scoutmaster smugly says, "Oh, sooner or later."

Smoke Signals

1st Scout: "Hey George, look over there, smoke signals". 2nd Scout: "Oh yes Mike, what do they say?" 1st Scout: "Help............My..........Blanket's............On ..........Fire."

The Sneeze

A line of Scouts comes on stage marching. The scout in the back sneezes. The leader turns to the second in line and asks, "did you sneeze?" The second in line says "no". The leader says, "liar" and hits the second in line. He falls to the side. The line of Scouts continues marching. The scout in the back sneezes. The leader turns to the new second in line and asks, "did you sneeze?" The new second in line says "no". The leader says, "liar" and hits the second in line. He falls to the side.

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This continues until there is only the leader and one other Scout. They continue marching. The other Scout sneezes. The leader turns and says, "did you sneeze?" The other Scout says, "ahhhh yea". The leader says, "gazoontight" and pats him on the back.

Soldier In the Battlefield

This skit can be played by just one person, or you can use two. A person in battle dress falls on the ground moaning that he is about to die. The orderly kneels over him frantically trying to record his name for the records. He keeps on asking his name, but he is in too much pain to bother with his name and keeps on asking for help. In desperation the orderly tells the soldier that he is dying and that he needs his name to tell his mother. The soldier reply that his mother already knows his name.

Someone Chanted Evening

Props: Blankets and rope to make Monk's Cassock. Friar: Good morning, everyone. Monks: Good morning. Friar: For our Matin, we are going to practice chanting. All together now, repeat after me: (Chanting) Morning, morning, mor-or-ning. Monks: (Rather raggedly) Morning, morning, mor-or-ning. Friar: Not bad, but we need to get more feeling and rhythm into it. Let's try again. (A couple more attempts are made, each one better, then on the third try it sounds excellent, but one Monk chants loud and clear, "Ev-enning".) Friar: Cut, Cut ! What was that ? Brother Daniel: What's wrong, Friar ? I thought it sounded good. Friar: (Breaking into song) Someone Chanted Evening !

Sounds of the Lost Scoutmaster

A quick 2-person skit, if the Storyteller, the Lost Scoutmaster or last minute volunteers do the sound effects. Cast: Storyteller, Bird, Frog, Tree, Breeze, Lost Scoutmaster Storyteller is telling the story to the campfire crowd, while the other actors, with the exception of the Lost Scoutmaster, have the option to hide in the woods, sit in the crowd, or stand beside the story teller. I suggest the first, for effect. The Lost Scoutmaster, however, must hide in the woods. Storyteller: You know, I love camping. It's not like being in the city at all. You hear sounds that you can only hear out in the country. For instance, lots of birds. (Bird chirps a lot, sings a bird song.) Ah, isn't that lovely? And the frogs. They have one of those great sounds. (Frog calls out ribbit sounds.) And though there's breeze in the city, it's just not the same as the breeze in the country. (Light breeze being called out.) Let's face it; there are trees in the city, but how many? The breeze through a forest is so nice (Light breeze, slight swishing of the trees.) But the sound I love to hear the most when I go camping is the sound of the Lost Scoutmaster. (Heavy thumping of the feet; calls out, "Where in the world am I?")

The Sounds of the Wilderness

Four or five Scouts enter the stage (more can be accommodated) and stand facing the audience. The announcer explains to the audience, "If you listen quietly you can hear the sounds of the wilderness: the birds" (one Scout whistles a bird song, then stops). The announcer continues: "... or the deer" (another Scout makes swishing sounds like a deer traveling through the brush, then stops). The announcer continues: "... or the bear" (another Scout growls). And so on, for as many Scouts has you have on stage. Finally, the announcer says, "And if you are very, very quiet, you can hear the sound of the lost Boy Scout..." From offstage, you hear, "HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GUYS?" -- Thanks to The Leader Magazine, November 1992

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Sour Notes

The director tunes up the orchestra or chorus and they begin to make music. One by one each player hits a sour note. Each time the director gets upset and throws the player offstage. Repeat until only the accompanist and the director is left. The director then turns to the accompanist and begins a solo. The director hits a sour note and the accompanist jumps up and throws the director off stage coming back on stage with a smug look on his face, bows to the audience and exits.

Space Derby Skit.

While Cub Master is doing the pack meeting Two adults enter. They are wearing coveralls and motorcycle helmets. They carry their jet (made from an eight foot piece of Styrofoam and set it by the derby track They pay no attention to what Dan is saying.. Cub Master: " Excuse me, gentlemen, EXCUSE ME GENTLEMEN!!!" This gets First adult's attention and he taps Second adult on the shoulder. They both turn and face Cub Master like men from Devo. Cub Master: "What are you two trying to do?" Both Second adult and First adult make flying motions with their arms. Cub Master: "Oh you two think you are going flying do ya?" Both Second adult and First adult nod their bodies yes from the waist up. They butt heads?? Cub Master: "Which one of you is the pilot?" First adult raises his hand. Cub Master: "What does the other guy do?" Second adult make the sign of the cross and put his hands together to pray. Cub Master: "Oh you pray huh? Do either of you two have any flying experience?" First adult and Second adult pull out paper airplanes from their coveralls and fly them. Cub Master: "Is that the only experience you have. Both Second adult and First adult nod their bodies yes from the waist up. They butt heads?? Cub Master: "I'm afraid I am going to have to see your flying permits before I let you take off on our course." First adult and Second adult look at each other, dig through their pockets, then look at Cubmaster and shrug. Cub Master: "Well if you don't have any permits you know what that means don't you?" First adult and Second adult wave good bye and pick up their airplane and leave. Cub Master: "Yes it means good-bye and don't forget to file your flight permit before you come back.

The Special Papers

"I am King, squire, and I need you to bring me my special papers." Bringing in some diplomatic looking things "Here are your papers, sire." "Fool! These are not my special papers. Off with his head! Squire two, bring me my special papers! Do not fail!" Bringing in a Wall Street Journal "Here are your special papers, sire" "Fool! These are not my special papers. To the dungeons with him! Squire three, bring me my special papers!" Bringing him a roll of toilet paper "Here are the special papers, sire" "And just in time!" The king grabs the toilet paper and runs offstage. -- Thanks to Bob Jenkins

Spelling Contest

Contestants have numbers on their shirts and the judges have badges to distinguished them from the contestants. Need a list of spelling words, toy guns (or hand if necessary) and a trophy. There are two judges and four contestants. Judge #1 asks are you ready for the annual spelling contest. The contestants say yes and Judge #2 tells them good luck and let's begin. The first contestant steps forward misses the word and is shot by the judge. Second contestant steps forward, spells the word, the judges confer, answering right. The third contestant spells the word wrong and is shot. Contestant #4 comes forward spells his word, the judges confer, say he is wrong and one raises the gun to shoot him. Contestant #4 tells the judge wait, he is sure the word is spelled right. The judges confer again, say the contestant is right and they are wrong and shoot themselves. Contestants #2 and #4 say that they guess that means they both win and walk off together with the trophy.

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-- 82 --

January 1997

The Split Ball

Characters: Bud the pitcher, Bill, the reporters, Shorty the catcher, Gentleman from Australia, Other visiting gentlemen, Two flashlight operators. Scene: Practice field. The front stage is very dimly lit. Across the back is a sheet or lightweight curtain through which a light can shine. The success of the stunt depends on the ability of the pitcher, catcher, and flashlight operators to coordinate their movements. The pitcher pantomimes a throw. When he says, "There," a flashlight operator turns on his light and makes it shine through the screen. The light moves along the screen to resemble the flight of the ball. The catcher pretends to catch the ball, and the flashlight goes off. The movement may or may not mimic the flight of that kind of ball in a real game. Bud comes on stage, in front of the curtain. Bill steps up to him, followed by all the visiting Gentlemen. Bill: Hi, Bud. Bud: Hi, Bill. Bill: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Bud, the greatest pitcher in America. Bud: Oh, come on, Bill! Bill: It's true. Bud, these gentlemen represent the world wide athletic association. They wanted to see the greatest American pitcher, so I brought them right to you. Bud: Well, I am flattered. Bill: This is Mr. Grossman from Australia, Mr. Blackwell from England, etc. (Add as many names and countries as you need. Each shakes hands with Bud and then steps away.) Grossman: Excuse me, sir. We have heard about the different ways you pitch ball. Would you demonstrate a few balls for us? Bud: Glad to. Have a seat. (points to a row of seats and they sit.) Gentlemen: Thank you. Bud: Shorty? Shorty: (appearing) Yes, Bud? Bud: What shall I start with, Bill? Bill: Start with your fast ball. Bud: O.K. a fast ball. There! (light darts across screen, quickly. Gentlemen cheer.) Bill: A slow ball. Bud: O.K. a slow ball. There! (light moves very slowly across screen. Cheer.) Bill: A curve ball. Bud: O.K. a curve ball. There! (light moves in a fancy curve. Cheer) Bill: A knuckle ball. Bud: O.K. a knuckle ball. There! (light moves in a zig zag line. Cheer.) Bill: How about a sinker? Bud: O.K. here comes a sinker. There! (light glides along waist- high, then drops into mitt. Cheer.) Grossman: Pardon me sir. I have heard about your split ball. Could you please show us? Bud: Certainly. A split ball. There! (The two flashlights start together. They seem to separate, one high, one low on the screen. Then just as they near Shorty, they come together.) Every one cheers, pats Bud on the back as they all exit.

SPL's Too Tough To Be Tasty

Cook'm and Eat'm that is what our Troop does! A mamma bear (or other large carnivore) enters a butcher shop. She asks the butcher what he has special today. Storekeeper: "Road kill possum, only $.50/LB" Mamma Bear: "No thanks what else?" Storekeeper: "Fresh venison $1.00/LB" Mamma Bear: "No thanks, had that last week." Proceed through several more choices each slightly more expensive than the last. The shopper refuses each one. Storekeeper: "How about some fresh Boy Scout, $30.00/LB" Mamma Bear: "Thirty dollars a pound? Why so expensive?" Storekeeper: "Did 'ya ever try to clean one?" The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 83 -January 1997

-- Thanks to Dan O'Canna Lexington, KY USA

Spring

Gather to the front of the group some people to be trees, birds, and babbling brooks. Then ask for a volunteer to be the most important part, the hero. When he comes to the front, have him run among the trees. Have a little narrative and then say; "Maybe the rest of you wonder when we know it's spring; that's easy, because the sap is running through the tress."

Spring is Sprung!

A one person skit that is one of my perennial favorites, and another one of those repetitive skits. Cast: Poet, Grass, Flowers, Birds, Frogs, 3 Trees, Victim Setting: A Poetry Reading Session DO NOT READ THIS POEM IN ITS ENTIRETY; READ IT LINE BY LINE AS INSTRUCTED; AT EACH STOP, GET YOUR VOLUNTEERS! Spring is sprung, The grass is growing, The flowers are blooming, the birds are singing, And the froggies are ribbitting. The leaves on the trees are growing, And the sap is running through the trees. The poet is standing in front of the crowd and announces his ode to spring. Poet: This is my latest poem, called Sp-ring is Sp-rung. (A great place to ham it up, by lengthening out all the "r" & "l" words.) Reads out the first line and proceeds to the next -- stops at "the grass..." Poet: Hmm. I need some grass to demonstrate. (Get "grass.") Here, do just like this (crouch down; hands over head, put together pointing up, then stand up slowly.) Now, let's start again. Starts again, the grass grows on cue, and gets to third line -- stops after blooming. Poet: I need at least one flower. (Get "flower.") You would be a great help. Just like the grass, only make a circle with your hands instead when you're standing up. Starts again, grass grows, flower blooms, gets to the fourth line, just before the word "birds" and of course stops. Poet: I need a couple of birds. (Get "birds.") On cue, you will chirp like birds, and perhaps flap your arms. He starts again, gets to the frogs, hits his head with his hand, Poet: I forgot the frogs. (Get "frogs.") You guys know how to jump like frogs and go "ribbitt?" Good. Remember, on cue. Yet again, he starts from the beginning, and guess what happens when he gets to the trees? You got it, Pontiac -- he gets 3 trees, spreads them a few feet apart and instructs them to lift out their arms like tree branches, and wiggling their fingers, of course on cue. Poet: I think I may have it right this time. Once more from the top he goes, and BEFORE he starts the last line, he gets the victim, Poet: Oops, I forgot the last person. (Get your victim now.) Now on cue, you will simply run back and forth between these here trees. Got it? Great. Once more he goes through the poem and gets through it all the way. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 84 -January 1997

Star Gazing

A scout walks to the center of the campfire looking up at the sky, keeping his head and neck very still. Soon he is joined by another scout and then another and so on. Each scout looks around and then begins to look toward the sky. The last scout enters and asked the scout next to him, "what are we looking at. He answers "I don't know." and then that scout asked the next until the question and get to the original scout. The original scout replies: "I don't know. I've got a stiff neck!"

St. Peter

Announcer: Here we see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Ian : (Walks up to St. Peter) Hello, St. Peter. I see I've come to Heaven. St. Peter: Well, you're not in yet ! First you've got to tell me how you suffered on Earth. Ian : Well, I spent a week eating camp food. St. Peter: I'm sorry, you haven't suffered enough. (Ian exits dejectedly.) Doug : (Enters) Hi, I'm here to get into Heaven. St. Peter: Fine, fine. And how have you suffered ? Doug : I went on a long hike and got blisters all over my feet. St. Peter: Sorry. That's not enough suffering to get into Heaven. (Doug exits) Brad : (Enters) Can I get into Heaven ? St. Peter: How did you suffer ? Brad : I'm in (Pick someone's name who can take a joke) (troop/pack/six/class, etc.) St. Peter: Well, come on in !!

The Statue Warehouse

A good alternative is to have a Museum of Working History, the last person being a window washer, and uses a pump spray. No mess. Cast: Tour Guide, Group of Tourists (optional), 1 Victim, Statues, Aquaman Statue with mouthful of water Setting: Statue Museum (or Warehouse of Old, Unused Statues) Guide: Welcome to the museum of Superheroes. We have an unique collection of statues in that you can press a button and the statues come alive to imitate their real life counterparts. See here, for instance. This is Superman. Watch as I push the button on his chest. Superman comes out of stiff standing position and takes a flying position, then resumes a stiff standing position. Guide continues through the tour, occasionally letting someone try the statues of Spiderman, the Flash, Batman, Wonderwoman, each with a different action and way of activating them (pull arm, press nose, and so on.) Finally they get to Aquaman. Guide: Now this is our last statue; Aquaman is our pride and joy. However, it seems that sometimes it just won't activate. Better let me try first. (Pulls arm. Nothing. "Aquaman," he whispers. He tries the arm again. Nothing.) (To victim) You, Sir? Would you like to try? He's rather finicky. Maybe he'll work if you try. Victim tries and Aquaman spits out a mouthful of water at him.

Statues in the Park

The scene opens with a statue (boy, standing still) posed as a famous statue such as The Thinker or The Discus Thrower. Another person introduces himself as Dr. Arthritic Kneecap of the University of Amputation and Mutilation. He talks about having discovered a formula to revitalize calcium deposits; even would work on this statue he says. The doctor pours the bottle on the statue and it slowly comes to life. The statue and the professor talk about being alive. The doctor then asks the statue what is the first thing you want to do. The statue says that he wants to kill 5,000 pigeons with his bare hands.

The Strange Trees

A cute play on French accents & associated puns -- a real groaner. Some sort of French accent greatly adds to the credibility of the skit. By the way, what does the C H on the Canadians' shirts mean? Center Hice! Cast: General Montcalm, Sergeant-Major, Captain, Sergeant, Private Setting: French base in Quebec City during Montcalm's and Wolfe's historical confrontation General Montcalm, wanting to know what General Wolfe was up to and what his position was, decided to send out some reconnaissance. General Montcalm: (To Sergeant-Major) Send out a Scout to see what General Wolfe's troops are p to! Sergeant Major: (To Private) Find out what General Wolfe's troops are up to! The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 85 -January 1997

Private goes off, then a moment later comes limping back, injured, just barely clinging on to his life. Sergeant Major: (To Private) What's wrong? Did you find anything about Wolfe's troops? Private: (In raspy, dying voice) Bacon Tree! (And he dies.) Sergeant Major: Inexperienced fool! (To Sergeant) Find out what General Wolfe's troops are up to! Captain goes off, then a moment later comes limping back, injured, just barely clinging on to his life. Sergeant Major: (To Sergeant) What's wrong? What's Wolfe's position? Sergeant: (In raspy, dying voice) Bacon Tree! (And he dies.) Sergeant Major: He obviously wasn't inconspicuous enough! (To Captain) Find out what General Wolfe's troops are up to! Sergeant goes off, then a moment later comes limping back, injured, just barely clinging on to his life. Sergeant Major: (To Captain) What's wrong? What's Wolfe doing? Captain: (In raspy, dying voice) Bacon Tree! (And he dies.) Sergeant Major: What's wrong with you people? I guess I'll have to find out what General Wolfe's troops are up to myself! Sergeant Major goes off, then a moment later comes limping back, injured, just barely clinging on to his life. General Montcalm: (To Sergeant Major) What's wrong? What are General Wolfe's troops up to? Sergeant Major: (In raspy, dying voice) Bacon Tree! (And he dies.) General Montcalm: What's this Bacon tree? I guess I'll have to find out what General Wolfe's troops are up to myself! General Montcalm goes off, then a moment later comes limping back, injured, just barely clinging on to his life. General Montcalm: (In a raspy, dying voice) Those fools! That was no Bacon Tree! That was a Hambush! (And he dies.)

Submarine

Get one volunteer from the audience and the den/patrol lines up sitting in a straight line with the volunteer at the end. The scout in front (Captain) looks through his periscope and yells, "Enemy Ship!" which is repeated down the line. The Captain then issues the following commands which are repeated down the line: "Fire Torpedo One!...."We Missed!"...."Fire Two!"..."We Missed!"...."Fire Three!"...."We Missed Again, You Blockhead"...."Enemy Torpedo Coming our Way!"...."We've Sprung a Leak"....as the last command is repeated the next to the last person throws hidden confetti on the last person in line; the volunteer.

Submarine Patrol

All the Scouts are standing in a line one behind the next. Each time the first boy says his line to the second boy. The second boy repeats it to the third. This continues until it reaches the last boy in the back. The boy in the back then replies. This message gets relayed to the front in a similar fashion. First to last- Lower periscope (last boy flips a switch) Last to first- Periscope lowered (first boy turns his hat backwards and looks through periscope) First to last- Fire torpedo 1 (last boy flips a switch) Last to first- Torpedo 1 away. First to last- We missed. Last to first- Darn! First to last- Fire torpedo 2 (last boy flips a switch) Last to first- Torpedo 2 away (All the boys get into a football huddle, arms interlocked) All together- "We sunk a rowboat! We sunk a rowboat!"

Submarine Training

Another 2-person skit you can use on the spur of the moment, if you just so happen to have the props, the main ones being the raincoat and drawings. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 86 -January 1997

Cast: Story teller, Victim, appropriate sound effects & Helpers, raincoat, cup of water Storyteller: I need a volunteer to take submarine training. (Put victim under the coat and hold up an arm of the coat to use as a periscope.) Now to be a good submarine captain, you must be able to use the periscope. So let's practice a bit. Can you see the fire? How about those tents? The table? The moon? The stars? (Continue until (s)he becomes proficient.) Let's start our mission. You are the captain of this fine submarine, the S.S. Kaput. You are to bring it about on maneuvers and sink enemy ships. So here we go, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Oh! Here comes an enemy ship to the right! Can you see him? (Show a drawing of a ship.) Blow him up! (When he fires, sink the ship.) Good going! Now turn the submarine to port, and then to starboard (Left & right.) Oh, Oh -- there's a storm brewing. (Shake him a bit.) Do you see that Island? Try to go there to seek cover. Can you see the waves? My, aren't they big? And they're crashing against the rocks! What a big storm! Can you see it? Can you see the waves? No? (Pour the water down the arm.)

The Successful Fisherman

Five or six fishermen sit on the end of the dock (chairs), casting and winding in their lines. One fisherman is catching all the fish: the others have no luck. In turn, the unlucky ones ask the successful fisherman why he's doing so well. Each time, he mumbles a reply without opening his mouth, and nobody can tell what he is saying. When the last person asks the question, the successful fisherman sighs, spits into his hand, and says, "You have to keep the worms warm."

Super Clutz

Once done at a campfire and it went smoothly. Then when it was finished, the author was exiting the stage and accidentally kicked over a lantern. Eerily appropriate, wouldn't you say? Cast: Super Clutz, Little Kid, 3 People Setting: City Street Super Clutz is wearing a jacket for a cape, inside out shirt, inside out shorts, backwards hat, etc. Little Kid: (Crying) Super Clutz! Can you help me? I've lost a quarter! Super Clutz: OK. I'll try my best! (Walks around on streets, looking to ground for quarter.) Man: (Calling out from burning building) Super Clutz! The building is on fire! Help Me! Super Clutz: Sorry, I'm busy! (Walks around some more.) Woman: (Being mugged) Help me, Super Clutz! They've taken my purse! Super Clutz: Sorry! I'm busy! (Walks around some more.) Man: (From wrecked car) Super Clutz! Get me out of here before the car blows up! Super Clutz: Sorry! I'm busy! Little kid runs up to him. Kid: Super Klutz! I found my quarter! It was in my pocket all the time!

A Talking Martian!

Requires a lot of imagination or some props to show that these guys are horses and a Martian. Cast: 2 Horses, Martian, perhaps some costumes Setting: Race Track If necessary, explain that these are two horses and a Martian. #1: You know, I had a bad day on the track today. My rider must have eaten a lot last night, because he was a lot heavier than usual, so my back got really tired and I almost tripped. #2: I've had similar problems. My rider hits me in the side so much with his feet that I can't run because it hurts so much. #1: Say, did you hear that the ugly mare is going to be entered into the grooming contest? The mane on that thing just doesn't compare to either of ours. #2: You're right. Things in the racing world just don't seem to be fair to us horses. Martian: You know, I could help you two out with your problems. #1 & 2: Look! A talking Martian!

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January 1997

Tankety Tank

This skit requires little preparation and no props, and has only two speaking parts. It can use a cast of hundreds, and it is full of blood, gore, and dead bodies. That makes it perfect for Cub Scouts and campfires. Preparation The Wizard and the lone Scout need to rehearse their lines, and everybody should practice a few times. The practice is as much fun as the skit. Encourage all participants to ham it up. The Wizard should wear a long bathrobe. The Skit A lone Scout rushes onto the stage and screams that the enemy is coming. He has no weapons to fight with! What should he do? "I know. I'll have to ask the Wizard. It's my only chance to save humanity from the terrible enemy." The Wizard enters the stage, and the Scout rushes to him begging for help. The Wizard tells him not to panic, and hands him a secret invisible sword. The Wizard explains the sword, and tells him to say, "Stabety Stab!" when he uses it. The Wizard assures the Scout that this magic sword will protect him. The Wizard retires to a quiet corner of the stage. The Scout is delighted. He waves the sword around, and tells everybody about it. He boasts about what he will do with it. He moves to one end of the stage. Several enemy soldiers sneak onto the other side of the stage, saying, "There he is" and "Let's get him." The Scout panics as they approach, worries aloud about what to do, and finally remembers to use the magic sword. Yelling "Stabety Stab!" over and over, he kills all of the enemy in a mighty battle. He is very proud of himself, and boasts of his ability. More enemy soldiers begin to enter. The Scout starts forward, yelling "Stabety Stab!" but the enemy keeps on coming. The Scout rushes back to the Wizard for more help. The Wizard gives him an invisible gun, telling him to yell, "Bangety Bang!" Again the Scout boasts about his weapon, goes into battle, and kills all the enemy. Again he boasts that he can defeat any enemy with the Wizard's magic weapons. The situation is repeated, and the Scout tries "Bangety Bang!" and "Stabety Stab!" without success. This time the Wizard gives him a magic laser, for which the Scout yells, "Zapety Zap!" Again he kills all the enemy and boasts. The Wizard quietly disappears. A single enemy soldier enters the stage. He is the biggest Scout in camp. He creeps slowly forward, as our Scout boasts about how easily he can defeat the enemy. The enemy soldier ignores the "Stabety Stab!", "Bangety Bang!", and "Zapety Zap!", as the Scout tries them several times. The Scout looks desperately for the Wizard. The enemy moves faster across the stage. As he knocks the Scout down and runs over him, he yells, "Tankety Tank! Tankety Tank!"

Tenting

Scene: Two Cubs in a pup tent. Cub 1: Tie up the flap. It's cold outside! Cub 2: Oh, go to sleep and you won't feel the cold. Cub 1: Oh please close the flap. It's so cold outside! Cub 2: Jumps up, pulls down the flap, jumps back into sleeping bag). Now, there. Is it warmer outside? --Thanks to Scouter Frank Dembicki, Ft. Saskatchewan, Alberta

Thar's a Bear

The object is to set up a bear warning system. One at a time set up five to eight fellows standing shoulder to shoulder. The warning system is set up by having each of them repeating the following message: Leader: "Thar's a Bar." (correct pronunciation is important) Bear Warner: "Whar?" (be certain that he pronounces it correct, if not correct him.) Leader: "Over Thar." (pointing with his right hand and arm extended) A to B: "Thar's a Bar." (at which point he will probably point, so correct him.) B: "Whar?" A: "Over Thar." (now he should point with the arm extended for the rest of the skit.) B - C: "Thar's a Bar." ... and so on until the last one says it to the leader. Go through the same procedure with the left hand. The third time have both hands extended, right leg extended, bent down. Last time the leader goes through the ritual, he pushes the guy next to him so that the rest will fall like dominoes. The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 88 -January 1997

There's a Bear!

A one person skit that is a good gag if done properly. One in which you should be careful at the punch line -you don't want to injure anyone. Cast: Nature Guide, 3-4 Victims (line them up as you get them) Guide: I'm going to bring you through an imaginary trip to follow a bear's daily activities. First, I need a volunteer (He will be a victim). First, we'll kneel down, you in front of me. Then I'm going to say, "There's a bear!" and you're going to respond, "Where?" and I'll point him out. You still won't see him and repeat, "Where?" and I'll point him out, and then you'll say, "Ahh. I see him, he's over there!" and point the same way I did. Guide: There's a bear! 1: Where? Guide: Over there! 1: Where? Guide: Over there! 1: Ahh. I see him, he's over there! Continue by introducing the other victims, one at a time and lining them up in front of your previous victim, and repeating the same sketch, but increasing the length as you go through it in a repetitious manner ie. you point out to #1, then he to #2, then he to #3, then he to #4. Finally, Guide: Guess what? He fell over! (Push over your victims)

The Thinker

A Scout is sitting in his tent which is a mess, everything scattered around. Several other scouts come over and ask what he is doing. The Scout replies he is thinking. The other Scouts continue asking questions and are finally told, "I am thinking about my invention." The other scouts want to help (begging and hamming it up). Finally the Scout says, "OK, but do you rally want to help?" The other scouts plead and beg. The Scout begins to instruct each Scout to pick up items and place them in the tent somewhere, (continue until everything is picked up, thereby cleaning up the tent.) When the tent is completely picked up, the Scout says: "Well that takes care of it". The other scouts, inquire, "takes care of what?". The Scout replies: "My invention, I just invented a way to get my tent cleaned."

The Thirsty Donkey

The man leads his donkey around the campfire. "Water! Water!" cries the donkey with a raspy voice. "Patience, jackass, patience" says the man. The man leads his donkey around the campfire. "Water! Water!" cries the donkey with a raspy voice. "Patience, jackass, patience" says the man. The man leads his donkey around the campfire. "Water! Water!" cries the donkey with a raspy voice. "Patience, jackass, patience" says the man. The man leads his donkey around the campfire. "Water! Water!" cries the donkey with a raspy voice. "Patience, jackass, patience" says the man. And they keep walking in circles around the campfire and repeating this (about 5 times) until someone in the audience yells, "Hey, when are you going to get to the punch line???" The man yells back "Patience, jackass, patience!!" -- Thanks to Bob Jenkins

The Thirsty Fisherman

Cast: 5 fisherman, and props to show a boat, water level (about two feet off floor), and a bench Setting: Fishing on a lake #1: I'm thirsty, but the cooler's on the beach. I guess I'll have to go get one there. (He seems to walk on water, by walking on the bench, and comes back. #5 is interested.) #2: I'm thirsty, but the cooler's on the beach. I guess I'll have to go get one there. (He seems to walk on water, by walking on the bench, and comes back. #5 is confused.) #3: I'm thirsty, but the cooler's on the beach. I guess I'll have to go get one there. (He seems to walk on water, by walking on the bench, and comes back.) #5: How do you do that? (Doesn't get an answer.) #4: I'm thirsty, but the cooler's on the beach. I guess I'll have to go get one there. (He seems to walk on water, by walking on the bench, and comes back. #5 is perplexed.) The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 89 -January 1997

#5: Okay. Let me try this. (He tries to walk on water, but begins to sink into the water.) #3: Should we have told him where the rocks are?

Three Against 1000

Three guys all bandaged up and smeared with dirt and blood come dragging into the meeting with the disbelieving tail the fantastic battle that they had just gone through. "what a battle, what fantastic odds, we never should have attempted it in the first place, 3 against a 1000, unbelievable; hamming it up. Finally, one guy says, "Yeah they were the toughest three guys I've ever seen.

Three Rivers

Players: a prospector, two tired hikers, and a "dog" Scene: An old prospector seated around his campfire eating dinner. campfire. First tired hiker walks up to the

1st Hiker: "Hey, old timer. That grub smells mighty good; would you happen to have any extra to spare?" Prospector: "Sure, sonny; hand me that empty plate over their and I'll fix you right up." 1st Hiker: "Gee, this plate looks kinda dirty." Prospector: "Dirty? That plates not dirty; it's a clean as Three Rivers can get it." Prospector dishes up the food; hiker shrugs and eats. 1st Hiker: "Well, thanks for the grub. I've got to be moving on." 1st Hiker leaves and prospector continues eating. 2nd hiker walks up to the campfire. 2nd Hiker: "Boy, I've been hiking for miles and I sure am hungry. Would you have any of that great stew to share?" Prospector: You bet; hand me that bowl over there and I'll fill it up for you." 2nd Hiker (makes face as he looks into the bowl): "This bowl seems pretty dirty to me; do have a cleaner one?" Prospector:" Dirty? Why that bowl's as clean as Three Rivers can get it." Prospector dishes up the food; hiker shrugs and eats. 2nd Hiker: "I've got to be going; thanks for the food." 2nd hiker leaves and prospector finishes eating. Prospector: "Well, that was mighty good grub. Now, time to clean the dishes." (Prospector puts dishes on the ground and whistles). "Three Rivers! Here, Three Rivers!". ("dog" comes running and starts cleaning the plates.) "Good dog, Three Rivers." -- Thanks to Mike Keables

Three Rivers II

Scene: Two prospectors meet. First prospector has camp set up and good cooking. Dog is sitting beside him. (Boy on all fours is dog.) Second prospector comes in pulling mule named Sunshine. (Two boys covered with blanket are mule.) Props: Pick, pan, No. 10 cans for cooking, two beat-up hats, mask for dog (if desired) and blanket for mule. Prospector 1: Howdy! Prospector 2: Howdy! Prospector 1: Any luck? Prospector 2: Nope! Prospector 1: Come fur? Prospector 2: Quite a job. Prospector 1: Et lately? Prospector 2: This mornin. Prospector 1: Hungry? Prospector 2: Yep. Prospector 1: Join me? Prospector 2: Don't mind iffen I do. Prospector 1: Have a plate. Prospector 2: (Holds up plate and looks at it) Don't want to seem to be pickyunish, but ain't this plate a mite dirty here in the corner? The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 90 -January 1997

Prospector 1: (Looks scornfully at him) Well now, it all depends on how you look at it. But I'll tell you one thing for sure. It's as clean as Three Rivers can get it. Prospector 2: (Shakes his head looking at plate) Clean as Three Rivers can get it? (Mule brays a loud "hee-haw") Prospector 2: Shut your mouth, Sunshine. You heard what the man said. (1st prospector dishes out stew and they eat.) Prospector 2: Mighty good vittles. Prospector 1: Thanks pardner. Mind handin' me the plates so we kin clean em up? (2nd prospector hands him the plates) Prospector 1: (Puts plates on floor and calls loudly over his shoulder) Here Three Rivers. Here Three Rivers. (Dog comes up and starts licking plates.)

Three Scoops

Basically, you get the Den or Patrol together, and they sing, "We're three scoops of raisins, three scoops of raisins, We're three scoops of raisins-In Kellogg's Raisin Bran!" At this point, another scout comes runing out with a big wooden spoon, saying, "Yum yum, raisin bran, ohh boy, I love raisin bran," and he grabs one of the raisins and drags him off kicking and screaming. He comes back in a few seconds later, licking his spoon in a satisfied manner. Now the raisins singe, "We're two scoops or raisins," etc. Same thing happens again--guys grabs one of the raisins, drags him off, etc. When you get down to the last guy, he sings, "I'm one sc--sc--oop of r-r-r-raisins," etc., "In K-K-K-ellogg's Raisin B-B-B-ran," looking around in a terrified manner. Of course, the guy comes charging out, waving his spoon, at which point the raisin exits, singing, "Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener..."

Ticket Line

Fans are standing in line waiting to buy tickets for the big game, movie, or concert. Four fans are standing in line, saying how much they want to attend the event and wondering when the ticket window is going to open to sell tickets. A person walks up to the front of the line. The fans get upset telling him to not butt in line and to go to the end of the line and began to shove him back. This person tries once more to reach the front of the line and then gives up and says something to the effect; "I'm giving up, they can get someone else to open this ticket window.

Time on the Park Bench

A Scout is sitting in a bench in the park reading the newspaper, getting tired he lies down for a nap. A few minutes latter a Scout comes by, wakes him and asks for the time. The Sleeping scouts says its 6:45. The Scout goes back to sleep. Repeat this process three times, with it being thirty minutes latter each time( 7:15, 7:45, 8:15). The Scout then takes out a marker and writes on the paper, "I don't have the Time!", places it over his head and goes back to sleep. The final Scout walks up; reads the message, wakes the sleeping scout up and says: "Hey, its a quarter to nine!

Timothy Eaton

[in the USA this could be J.C. Penny or Montgomery Ward] Number of participants: 4 or more Props: Articles of clothing # 2 enters and passes # 1, wearing a hat. # 1: # 2: # 3: # 1: # 3: "Where did you get the hat ?" "Timothy Eaton." enters and passes # 1 carrying a pair of pants. "Where did you get the new pants ?" "Timothy Eaton."

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Others enter carrying new articles of clothing and offer similar explanations. Finally # 4 enters wearing just underwear. # 1: "Who do you think you are dressed like that ?" # 4: "I'm Timothy Eaton !"

Toothache

A boy with a toothache complains to another boy. The other boy says he will help and pulls out tooth with a pair of pliers. The boy with the toothache says wrong tooth. Another person comes along and gives him some apples saying that will cure his toothache. Boy ends up with a stomachache. Another person says to tie a string to his tooth and tie the other end to a door. The door slams in the face of the boy with the toothache. He now has a toothache, headache, and a stomachache. Another person enters with some hedge clippers or a axe or something. He says, "I hear you have a toothache". The boy with the toothache says, "Not that !" and runs off the stage.

Toothpaste

In this you need two cups of water and four or more people. The people in the skit all line up in a row in front of the audience. The first person in line has water in his cup and the last person in line has an empty cup with some water hidden in his mouth. The skit starts off with the narrator saying something about this is a demonstration of how a person can brush his teeth when there is a shortage of water. The first person takes a drink of water from his cup and proceeds to brush his teeth with his finger. After a few seconds he stops and places his head against the ear of the next person in line and that person's cheeks begin to bulge out as the first persons deflate. This person (the second person brushes his teeth with his finger for a few seconds and then puts his mouth against the next person's ear with the same results and son on down the line until the last person in line in reached. This person upon finishing brushing his teeth releases the water he has in his mouth into the cup in his hand.

Tracks

Two boys enter as if following a trail. They begin to argue over what kind of tracks they are: "I say they are raccoon tracks" "No they're wolf tracks" "No they're badger tracks ...". The argument continues until they are suddenly run over by a train. (Several boys linked together making chuga choo sounds, boy in front has a flashlight.

The Trained Caterpillar

"This is Eddy, the amazing trained caterpillar." (Three or four guys with a sheet over them, sort of like a Chinese New Year Dragon.) "Eddy, left!" (Everyone shambles left) "Eddy, right!" (Everyone shambles right.) "Eddy, sit!" (The caterpillar sits.) "Eddy, fetch!" (Throw something that can be picked up with the feet, the first guy gets it with his foot and the others stabilize him, return it.) "OK, now for Eddy's best trick. We've been practicing this all week. We need a volunteer from the audience. Lie down, and Eddy will walk over you without harming you!" (Eddy does it, but the last guy dumps a glass of water on the volunteer.) "Oh! Sorry! Eddy's not potty-trained yet." -- Thanks to Bob Jenkins

The Train Skit

Two boys are standing on a track arguing over what the animal that has been run over on the track is.... #1: #2: #1: #2: It's a deer Nope, it's bear I'm sure it's a deer Uh-uh... look there. It's a bear...

As this goes on continuously, a group of scouts form a line, all holding on to each other's hips and form a train. They then come chugging along the track towards the guys arguing about the animal (lots of chug-chug noises here). When they get to the two guys arguing they run them over and then, from the first two guys in the train line you hear.... Train #1: What'd ya think we hit? Train #2: It was a deer Train #1: But it looked like a bear... The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 92 -January 1997

off the stage.... -- Thanks to Dave Loseke, Cubmaster Pack 383, Beaverton, OR

The Trees

All the boys except one lined up in a row facing the audience, spaced at least Three feet apart. The remaining boy was the narrator. An adult "volunteer" Was selected; usually this was the scoutmaster. He is instructed to stand off To the side until he hears the word spring. That is his que to start running Between the trees for a few minutes. The audience is first told the boys are trees during the summer. Their Branches are strong and sturdy, and they are full of leaves providing shade to The forest animals. While the narrator is talking, the "trees" raise their Arms and mime what the narrator is saying. Next the audience is told about a tree in the fall and how it begins to lose Its leaves. The "trees" should begin to sag their branches. Next the audience is told about a tree in the winter time and how the wind Howls through their bare limbs. Someone can supply the sound effects if you Desire, and the boys should be moving like their is a large gust of wind Pushing them around. Finally, on cue as you say the word spring, have the volunteer move quickly Between the trees several times. You will finish the skit by saying "...... And Also in the springtime, notice how quickly the sap runs through the trees." This skit can be as long or as short as you want to make it. As each season is Discussed in as great as detail as you want. The trees should be mimicking what The narrator is saying. Make sure the narrator places emphasis on the word Sap, so the audience reacts quickly to the gag. -- From the SCOUT ASSOCIATION OF AUSTRALIA

Trick or Treat

A child comes home with a bag full of treats. The parent says that he needs to inspect the candy. Gives excuses for not giving most of it back. After the child leaves, the parent says that he must do what he has to do to protect the child and proceeds to eat some of the candy.

Trimming the Christmas Tree

Otherwise known as "Trimming the Tree" in the Leader magazine. Text from The Best of the Leader Cut Out Pages. Cast: Mother, Father, Child, scout staff with sprig of evergreen lashed to the top; materials to make snipping and sawing sounds (you can pre-record these on cassette tape.) Setting: Kitchen Mother is on stage, father and child out of sight. Father tells child to go ask mother how the tree looks. Child runs onstage and asks. Mother peers through imaginary kitchen window, hints and says it needs more off this side. Child runs off stage and repeats her directions. Sounds of sawing, snipping, etc. Repeat several times, with mother pointing in different directions each time, father perhaps becoming impatient, and child becoming more and more tired. Finally many sounds of sawing and snipping. Father marches on stage with staff, show it to mother and audience. Father: Now is it right?!?

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Turkey Contest

Four guys dressed up like turkeys waiting for the Best Turkey Contest with one turkey really strutting his stuff. Feathers can be made from construction paper and brown type clothes worn. The one turkey who is strutting his stuff, really wants to win, he preens, even leaves for a minute coming back with additional stuffing sticking out. Comments are made about this turkey by the others. The contest begins and the strutting turkey wins only to find out that the winner gets to be Thanksgiving Dinner. The turkey starts to run and the judge chases after him telling the audience how he loves a happy winner.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

Characters: Bob, 12 Cub Scout friends (if den has less than 12 boys, have them repeat their entrance on stage) Props: Items called for in skit on a table (use your imagination to create wilder items) Setting: Bob is standing by table with props. As each boy enters, he hands him the appropriate item. Cub #1: On the first day of Christmas my good friend gave to me -- a knob to adjust my TV. Thanks Bob. Bob: You're welcome! (Each cub takes items and exits. Then next cub enters from opposite side of stage) Cub #2: On the second day of Christmas my good friend gave to me -- two napkins. Thanks Bob. Bob: You bet! Cub #3: On the third day of Christmas my good friend gave to me -- three French fries. Thanks Bob! Bob: No problem! Cub #4: On the fourth day of Christmas my good friend gave to me -- four comic books. Thanks Bob! Bob: Glad to do it! Cub #5: On the fifth day of Christmas my good friend gave to me -- five rusty nails. Thanks Bob! Bob: Don't mention it! Cub #6: On the sixth day of Christmas my good friend gave to me -- six greasy rags. Thanks Bob! Bob: OK! Cub #7: On the seventh day of Christmas my good friend gave to me -- seven soggy sweatshirts. Thanks Bob! Bob: Yeah, you're right! Cub #8: On the eighth day of Christmas my good friend gave to me -- eight mugs for milk shakes. Thanks Bob! Bob: Give me five! (does high five with Cub #8) Cub #9: On the ninth day of Christmas my good friend gave to me -- nine dirty dustpans. Thanks Bob! Bob: Cool dude! Cub #10: On the tenth day of Christmas my good friend gave to me -- ten leaping lizards. Thanks Bob! Bob: Check you later! Cub #11: On the eleventh day of Christmas my good friend gave to me -- eleven pies for pitching. Thanks Bob! ( A pie plate full of whipped cream can actually be thrown at Bob here - if you like!) Bob: (wiping off cream) That's what friends are for! Cub #12: On the twelfth day of Christmas my good friend gave to me -- twelve dump trucks dumping. Thanks Bob! Bob: Bye, pal! (last cub exits, table is cleared of all props) Now, let's see. That was (singing) twelve dump trucks dumping, eleven pies for pitching, ten leaping lizards, nine dirty dustpans, eight mugs for milk shakes, seven soggy sweatshirts, six greasy rags, FIVE RUSTY NAILS, four comic books, three French fries, two napkins and a knob to adjust my TV. (looks at audience and wipes brow) Whew! I finally did it. I finally got my closet cleaned out!

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Twist Mouth Family

A mother and a father had several children, now all the children had their mouths twisted out of shape except their son John, who they had sent to college and had just returned. They all got ready for bed and Mother asked Father to blow out the light. "Yes I will," was his reply. "I wish you would," said she. "Well I will," said he. Father blows upward due to the twist in his mouth. Father asks mother (use the same sequence of phrases as in the previous sentence), she blows downward. Mother asks daughter, daughter blows to the right. Mother asks son (not John) who blows to the left. Finally, John, the college son is asked. He blows straight and blows out the candle. Father then says, "What a blessed thing it is to have a son with an education."

Ugliest Man in the World (or Bad Breath)

Cast: UMITW under blanket, Circus Announcer, as many people as you want (say up to 4 or 5), victim Setting: Circus, Boardwalk Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! Come and see the Ugliest Man in the World! (or Smell the Worst Breath in the World!) Ah you, Sir, would you like to try? #1: Sure, why not! I've got a strong stomach! (looks under and faints (or says, Bad Breath!)) Continue with your other "volunteers." Each faints with, "Oh, Gross," "He's Ugleeeee!" and so on. Bring in your victim and invite him to look (or smell.) Suddenly, the UMITW faints in a similar manner to the volunteers (or says, Bad Breath!)

Ugly Baby

A lady is riding on a train with her baby wrapped in a blanket. A stranger comes and sits down next to her. He asked if he can see the baby. Upon opening the blanket the stranger says: "Ma'am, that's the ugliest baby I have ever seen." She yells at him ( you beast, how can you say such a thing, etc.) and hits him with her fist until he leaves. Repeat this three times. While beating the third stranger she yells for the conductor. She complains to the conductor that this is the third man who has "insulted my little darling". The conductor urges the stranger to a new seat. The conductor returns to apologize and tells the lady that he wants his riders to be happy. He tells the lady he will bring a her a drink and he'll stop by the kitchen and get a banana for her monkey.!

Up Harold

Mad Scientist and a monster named Harold. The mad scientist talks about his greatest creation Harold. The scientist asks for a volunteer out of the audience. The mad scientist tells Harold to rise up, walk forward, and then the monster gets near the volunteer to kill him. Harold grabs the volunteer and kills him and returns back behind the scientist. The mad scientist goes on about how great his monster is, repeating his commands for Harold to stand up, move forward and kill. What the mad scientist doesn't realize is that Harold is reacting to his commands. The mad scientist continues to gloat as Harold comes forward and kills him. Harold continues walking toward the audience as the stage blacks out.

Upside Down Singers

The singers are on stage. An announcer explains that they are going to sing upside down! They duck out of sight behind a curtain (a sheet held by two accomplices will do). Placing their hands in their shoes, they wobble the shoes above the curtain top looking as they are having trouble standing on their heads and are about to topple over while singing. They requires practice and the assistance of someone to direct them. To end the skit let one of the curtain holders become distracted and accidentally drop the curtain revealing the "upside down singers" in action."

Vampire Snack

Scene: One vampire, standing on stage, takes a can marked "blood", pours tomato juice from it into a glass and drinks it. The second vampire enters. Vampire #1: Mmm. Delicious. Vould you like some? Vampire #2: no, thanks. I couldn't drink another bite. Vampire #1: So vat's new. Vampire #2: Nothing much. I just saw a poor old bum begging on the street corner. Vampire #1: You did. Vat did he say? Vampire #2 He vanted me to help him. He said he hadn't had a bite in days. Vampire #1: So what did you do? Vampire #2: Vat else? Naturally, I bit him!

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The Viper is Coming

An office setting with a boss and an assistant who runs in and tells the boss that his just received a message that the Viper is coming. The boss gets very agitated and upset repeating the assistant's message. Several others come in repeating the same message. They are all in a state of panic when the last person comes on stage with a squeegee and a sponge announcing, "I'm the vindow viper. I've come to vipe your vindows. Vhere do I start." Version 2: Cast: 4 Kids, The Viper, rags, pump spray #1: (Comes running in) The viper is coming in an hour! Hide! (Runs out) #2: (A moment later; runs in) The viper is coming in half an hour! Run! (Runs out) #3: (A moment later; runs in) The viper is coming in 15 minutes! Call for help! (Runs out) #4: (A moment later; runs in) The viper is coming in 5 minutes! Save yourselves! (Runs out) Viper: (A moment later, with props) Hallo! I'm de Viper! Vere's de Vindows?

The Wall

Ideal for a six or patrol, this skit calls for three or four members standing close together, backs to audience, as the wall; one to play an employee leaning against the wall; and one to play the boss. The scene opens with the employee leaning against the wall. The boss walks in, looking at some papers, sees the idle employee, stops. Boss: You there! What's your name? Employee: Billy Bob, sir. Boss: Well, what do you think you're doing, leaning against that wall like you're holding it up. Employee: But, I am holding it up, sir. (Boss splutters angrily, tells the employee what a useless, good-for-nothing he is. Employee protests, but in vain.) Boss: You're fired! Get out! (The employee edges out along the wall, still trying to protest. The boss turns to audience: the wall creaks.) Boss: Imagine! That lazy son-of-a-gun trying to tell me he was holding up.... (The wall noisily falls on the boss, who collapses under it with a scream.)

The Waiter

Three Scouts are seated in a restaurant. A waiter approaches them. Waiter : What'll you have? Scout 1: Waiter : Scout 1: Scout 2: Waiter : of tea. Scout 2: Waiter : Scout 3: Waiter : I'll have a tuna on rye. Why tuna? Salmon's much better. And have it on whole wheat, it's healthier. Okay, okay. Make it salmon on whole wheat. Waiter : And you? I'll have bacon and tomato on toast. And coffee. Bacon's not good for you. And coffee strains your heart. Have a nice roast beef sandwich and a cup Okay, make it a roast beef sandwich and tea. How about you? What do you suggest? Who has time to make suggestions?

Waiter!

Cast: Waiter, Customers Setting: Restaurant Customer 1: Waiter! There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Shh! Everyone else will want one! Same line continues on with other customers about a fly being in alphabet soup (He's learning to read!) What's this fly doing in my soup? (The backstroke, Sir!) There's a fly in my soup! (Pass him a life preserver!) I just took a fly out of my soup. What do you think you should do? (Give First Aid!) Finally: Last Customer: Waiter, did you know that there's a fly in my ice cream, too? Waiter: No! I didn't know they were into winter sports! The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 96 -January 1997

The Waiting Room

Seen at a Vacation Bible School Summer Camp. You need six chairs together, and one for the secretary. The scene is a doctor's office. The first person comes in. His shoulder twitches once every 3 seconds. Secretary: "Please take a seat, the doctor will be with you shortly." The second guy comes in. One eye twitches once a second. Secretary: "Please take a seat, the doctor will be with you shortly." He takes a seat, and after about 5 seconds, his shoulder starts twitching too, and the first guy's eye starts twitching. The secretary doesn't get any symptoms. The third guy has the hiccups. Now everyone catches the hiccups, and the third guy gets the two twitches. The fourth guy sneezes. The fifth guy's legs wobble. The sixth guy occasionally shakes all over. Wait a bit, with all the patients doing all the symptoms. A scout comes in with a beach ball under his shirt, like he's pregnant, and all the patients run out screaming. The pregnant scout and secretary watch, wondering what's wrong with them. "Where's the maternity ward?" Secretary: "Oh, you're in the wrong office, that's two floors up."

Washington's Farewell

It is announced that a member of the troop has memorized Washington's Farewell Address and is about to do a dramatic portrayal of it. A boy emerges dressed as Washington and delivers his farewell address, "Bye Mom!"

Water, Water!

A man, crawling across the stage: "Water, water!!" Someone walks by, and the crawling man tugs on his pant leg. "Water, Water!" Man walking by: "Sorry." He continues walking. Another man walks by, the crawling man tugs on his pant leg: "Water, Water!" Man walking by: "All I've got is this beef jerky, sorry." He keeps walking. Another man walks by, the crawling man tugs on his pant leg: "Water, Water!" Man walking by: "No, I don't have any." He keeps walking. The crawling man sees a cup of water at the other end of the stage. "Water!!" He painfully crawls over there. "Water! Water!" When he reaches the water, he quickly stands up, dunks his comb in it, and uses it to comb his hair.

We Ain't Got the Money for the Mortgage on the Farm

One of those repetitive jokes. Difference is, you do the skit to a beat, and everyone bends their knees in sync (or tries to.) Successful or not, the knee bending (and attempts to keep in sync) alone makes it hilarious. Cast: Ma, Pa, Bro, Sis, Cousin Joe, Auntie Mae, Gramps, Mr. Bankerman Pa: (Comes out, starts bending knees to a beat, and says to the beat) Hiya, Folks! I'm Pa (people can respond ... repeat if desired.) Well, we ain't got the money for the mortgage on the farm. Boo, Hoo, Boo Hoo Hoo. Ma: (Comes out, bends knees to Pa's beat.) Hiya, Pa! Pa: Hiya, Ma! Ma: Whatsamatter, Pa? Pa: Well, we ain't got the money for the mortgage on the farm. Pa & Ma: Boo, Hoo, Boo Hoo Hoo! Continues with Bro coming in, saying Hiya, Ma (who responds, Hiya, Bro) to the beat, then says Hiya Pa, (Hiya, Bro) then Whatsamater Pa? who responds about the mortgage. Continue in like manner through to Gramps, each lining up beside the person before them. Continue to Mr. Bankerman, who does the same thing, but faces the line from the far side. They all go through the scene again, Hiya, Pa! Hiya, Mr. Bankerman! etc. Whatsamater, Pa? Well, we ain't .... Finally, Mr. Bankerman: Well, Now I got Sis (abducts Sis, who of course resists.) Ha, Ha, Ha Ha Ha! All of a sudden, everyone shoots at Mr. Bankerman, (Bang! Bang! Bang Bang Bang!) and he falls over dead. They continue their leg bending. Next line is tricky to a beat, but think of rap music. (What the heck is rap? You mean that garbage kids listen to?) All: Now we don't have to pay the mortgage on the farm! Ha! Ha! Ha Ha Ha! The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 97 -January 1997

We Hit!

A silly repetition skit that gets the victim wet. Cast: 4-5 Crew members, Victim, cup of water Setting: Submarine Sit in a line just like in Veech Boton. Place your victim anywhere in the line but make sure in advance you know where so that the person before or after has the water. Captain: (First in line) Fire #1! (Goes down the line to end; make a sound of it exploding) Captain: We missed! We have one more try! Fire #2! (Goes down the line to end; make a sound of it exploding) Captain: We missed! We'll just have to try to outrun them! (They turn left and right and left in sync, but finally,) Captain: They hit us! Incoming water! (Throw water on victim.)

The Weather Man

This is performed on a stage. Hang a large map, or a sheet with some outlines drawn on it, across the back of the stage. Since the skit involves water, it is a good idea to use a waterproof ground cloth to protect the stage. Plan the skit, assemble the materials, and assign responsibilities ahead of time. Everybody except the Scapegoat knows what will happen. Let the Scouts decide what kind of weather to use, and what props are needed to represent it. The Skit The Weather Man stands in front of the map, and presents a parody of the television evening news report. He reads from a script in his hand. As he announces each kind of weather, it appears, aimed straight at him from off-stage. He announces that the South will have wind. The backdrop shakes and a large fan blows the papers in his hand. The Weather Man reports that there will be snow in the North. White confetti drops from the sky, or over the map. He reports hail in the Midwest, and small white objects pelt him. (Plastic packing makes good hail.) Each time the weather reacts to his report, the Weather Man acts more scared. Finally, he turns the page, stops, and protests that he can't do this any more. He needs a brave person to read the last forecast for him, and asks for a volunteer from the audience. With the help of the audience, the 'volunteer' is selected and pushed forward. The Scapegoat is handed the script, and reads, "And tomorrow this area will have heavy rains." Instantly, he is hit by a bucket of water from offstage. Variation The Weather Man and the Scapegoat will clearly expect something. In fact, the Weather Man will usually have a hard time hiding his anticipation. Without warning him about the actual outcome, get him wet instead of the Scapegoat. Another Variation: Hang or hold up a large map, or a sheet with some outlines of states on it. The scouts should decided on the weather and the props in advance. The Weatherman stands in from of the map and presents a weather report, (like on TV) He reads from a script in his hand. As he announces each kind of weather, it appears, aimed straight at him from off stage. He announces that the South will have wind. The backdrop shakes and a large wind blows (be creative). The Weather man reports there will be snow in the North. White confetti falls from the sky over the weatherman. He reports hail in the midwest and white objects pelt him. The weatherman acts more and more scared. Finally he turns the page and stops and quits. He asks for a volunteer to take over. A volunteer is force to continue. He is handed the script which reads: TOMORROW THIS AREA WILL HAVE HEAVY RAINS, the reader is immediately drenched with buckets of water. (Variation, go ahead and drench the weatherman, especially funny if you have the scoutmaster be the weatherman and he does not know skit.)

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The Well-Trained Elephant

Cast: Trainer, Two People to be the Elephant, blanket to cover, 4 Victims (or 3 Volunteers and one Victim; make sure elephant knows who the Victim is), cup of water Setting: Circus Trainer: Ladies and gentlemen! I would like to show you the great tricks that my trained elephant can do. For instance, he can count! Spot! Count to 5! (Spot thumps 5 times on the ground.) Now I need some volunteers to help show just how very well trained my elephant is! Please, lie down on the ground with some space between you, and the elephant will do some amazing tricks! (Leads the elephant over the people and it does very well, does not walk on them at all, goes back and forth over them.) You see, it's a very well trained elephant; it won't walk on you. (Ham it up and perhaps do a trick or two. Finally, the elephant spills the water over the victims on a certain cue.) Oh, my, I guess I forgot to toilet train it!

What the Heck Was That?

You can also have everyone audition for the same line or have them try out for different parts, and of course ham it up to reflect this. Cast: Actors, directors, Gus Scene: Theater Director: Okay! Who's next for the auditions? You? Okay! Let's hear you! Actor #1: I'm trying out for the part of the Unknown Soldier. (He lies down, dead.) Director: Don't call us, we'll call you. Next! Actor #2: I'm trying out for the President ordering the men into action. Men, we must unite to beat the foe and protect the people! Director: Very nice. We'll call your agent. Next! Actor #3: I'm trying out for the part of the dying soldier. (He dies a very painful, emotional death.) Director: Sorry! Try out for the next movie. OK! Let's wrap it up! Gus comes running in. Gus: Oh please, Sir, I really would like a part in your play! I really need a break! Just a small part, Pleeeeeease, Pretty Please, with sugar on top? Director: Fine. All you have to do is call out "Oh my Gosh, it's a cannon!" when you hear a loud boom. Take a moment to practice while we load it up. Gus practices the line with several different voices, poses, etc. Director: OK, let's get a move on! I want to leave! (Loud boom from backstage.) Gus: What the heck was that?!?!?!?

What Time is it?

Three Scouts walk onto the stage, two of them carrying logs. The two carrying logs sit down and begin pounding the stage with them, making an incredible racket. They pause, and the third Scout announces, "How cave men tell time". The first two Scouts begin pounding again. A voice from off stage yells, "HEY! CUT IT OUT, IT'S TWO A.M." The cave men pick up their logs and exit all. -- Thanks to The Leader Magazine, November 1992

What's the Problem?

As cute as it is, it really only is a skeleton. Maybe you could use it as a gag to either place in the order as with any other skit, or get the campfire chief involved, so that when he calls up the group, you can make it look like they really don't have a skit. You know, call them up, have one person start to cry, another, and at the appointed time, have the chief ask, "Let's get a move on. Get your skit moving! We're having a campfire here." "But we don't have a skit!" Cast: Leader, three or four Kids, Campfire Chief (in campfire blanket) Setting: Tent Area Swasin: (Crying on stage) Kid 1: (Sees leader; goes to him.) Swasin! What's the problem? Swasin: (Whispers in kid's ear.) #1 begins to cry too. #2: Hey! What's the problem? The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 99 -January 1997

#1 whispers in #2's ear, and he starts crying too. Continue with #3 and #4. Finally, Campfire Chief comes around. Chief: Hi! I've come around to collect skit names for the campfire tonight! Hey! What's the problem? All: We don't have a skit!

What's 2+2?

Again, one of those pirate theme skits that can be easily modified (such as it being the boss to employees.) Cast: Captain, three or four Pirates Setting: On the Bridge (Or Deck of a Ship) Captain: First Mate! What's 2+2? 1st Mate: Duh! One, Sir! Captain: Good! Bosun! What's 2+2? Bosun: Uhh ... let's see ... (Counts on fingers) Uhh ... Five, Sir! Captain: No problem! Gunner! What's 2+2? Gunner: Sheesh, Captain! Why give me all the hard ones? Captain: Great! Cook! What's 2+2? Cook: Let's see. Two apples and two potatoes makes ... (Thinks) Two apples and two potatoes, Sir! Captain: Pleased to hear it! You! Floor Scrubber! What's 2+2? Scrubber: Four, Sir! Captain: Off with his head! (Cuts off head with sword.) Servant: Beggin' the Captain's pardon, Sir! I think everyone else got it wrong, but the floor scrubber got it right. Why did you kill him? Captain: He's too smart! He might go after my job some day!

Who Sneezed?

One boy plays sergeant and the rest line up in a row facing the audience. The sergeant tells them to come to attention for inspection. The last boy in line sneezes. The sergeant asks who sneezed and doesn't get an answer. He asks the man who sneezed to step forward in a threatening and commanding tone. The sergeant asks the first boy if he sneezed and he denies it. The sergeant shoots him. The next boy in line is asked if he sneezed and he replies, "Not since I was 10 years old." The sergeant shoots him. Each boy has a different answer as to why he didn't sneeze and the sergeant shoots each one until the last boy is reached. This boy really worried and shaking, admits that he sneezed but pleads to the sergeant not to shoot him. The sergeant says that he isn't going to shoot him but just wanted to say GESUNDHEIT !

Why Are You Late?

Known as "Mounted Scouts" in the Leader Magazine. Once modified this to fit a space theme. You got it -- no changes to the plot or the joke, just to a few details like a space ship, a 6-legged Aldabian glop, and a rented air coaster which all broke down. Cast: Boss, 4 Workers Setting: Office Boss: Why are you late? #1: (Rushing into work, breathless.) Sorry I'm late, Boss. My car broke down, so I took the bus. But the driver hit a tree, so I had to take a cab. And it broke down, too. Fortunately, I was near a Caläche so I borrowed the horse. But it ran so fast that it had a heart attack and collapsed. I had to jog the rest of the way! #2 & 3 come in late with exactly the same excuse. The boss becomes a little bit more exasperated each time, until #4 finally comes in, late of course. Boss: Why are you late? No, wait. Let me guess. Your car broke down, so you took the bus. But the bus driver hit a tree, so you took a cab. And it broke down too. Fortunately, you were near a Caläche and so you borrowed the horse. But it ran so fast that it had a heart attack and collapsed, so you had to jog the rest of the way, right? #4: No boss, you got it all wrong! The streets were so crowded with broken down cars, buses and cabs, trees, dead horses, and worst of all some crazy joggers that I couldn't get through!

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

-- 100 --

January 1997

Worlds Greatest Pitcher

You need a screen (white sheet), Flashlight (bright) and a sick (size of a baseball bat). The announcer introduces the worlds greatest pitcher, elaborate on how great he is. No one has hit him in the last 100 games, (at least with a ball) etc. Get volunteers (4). Have pitcher throw his pitches: (For fun give each volunteer a stick and rubber knife and instruct to make a baseball bat) Announce each pitch in advance and watch pitcher throw, followed by light on the screen as the ball advances toward the batter. 1. Fast Ball - Light goes fast across sheet from the back side) 2. Slider- Light slopes down across sheet from back side) 3. Curve Ball - light goes crazy Each volunteer only gets one pitch. Of Course since no ball is actually thrown, and they can't hit the light so they stand there looking foolish. The final pitch, the Greatest Ever Spit Ball. Really ham it up. You announce the World's Greatest Spit Ball. As soon as the Pitcher throws the ball you scream, "Look Out Its Out of Control", followed by a bucket of water being thrown upon someone: Your choice, the announcer, pitcher, or batter! If you are going to get the batter, let the pitcher throw each pitch and announce it as you see it on the screen. The final pitch of course is "Oh no its a spit ball!"

The World's Greatest Spitter

The world's greatest spitter is bragging and demonstrating on how well he can spit. He has an assistant, who has an empty pail. When the assistant catches the spit, he thwacks the bottom of the pail with his fingers to make it go ping. First, do the world's highest spit. Spit up. Next, do the world's fastest spit. Ping the pail at the same time as he spits. Next, do the world's slowest spit. Spit in slow motion, wait a while, look at your watch, then catch it. Ping. Catch the world's highest spit. (Someone objects. Explain it traveled further than the slowest spit.) Next, prepare yourself, do the world's biggest spit. Hock for a while. Do it behind a sheet. Someone objects. The world's greatest spitter grabs the pail (now a different pail, actually, filled with water) and throws the water at him to demonstrate how big the spit was. -- Thanks to Bob Jenkins

The World's Ugliest Man

A scout gets up and says, "Tonight, Den ___ is going to present to you a rare public showing of The World's Ugliest Man. "This man is so ugly, that no one can bear to look upon his face without shrieking and fainting dead away. So, in the interests of safety, we've covered him up with a sheet so all of you in the audience won't need to go to the emergency room." At this point, the rest of the den brings out Ugly (another one of the cubs), draped in a sheet like a ghost. Ugly stands in front of the pack with his back to it. The MC says, "To demonstrate how ugly this man is, is there a volunteer who dares to try to look upon his face?" The den members all raise their hands and ask to do it. The MC picks one, who walks in front of Ugly. Another cub raises the sheet--and of course, the victim screams and faints. The louder the scream and the quicker the collapse, the better. "Is there another volunteer?" the MC asks. And so on, until all the boys in the den have taken their turn screaming and fainting. By this time, there should be a pile of cubs laying on the floor in front of Ugly. The MC says, "Well, I see that no cub can take it. Is there an adult who would like to volunteer? How about our Cubmaster? Mr. Farnham, are you brave enough?" Me (or any other adult leader): "No, I don't dare. I've seen what's happened to you all." After much cajoling, the adult agrees to come up and try. He walks up in front of the world's ugliest man, the sheet is raised, and-The world's ugliest man screams and faints! This is a great skit, guaranteed to get a huge laugh. The boys have a blast doing it, and the parents like it too. -- Thanks to Pete Farnham, Cub Roundtable Staff, GW District, NCAC, Alexandria, VA

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

-- 101 --

January 1997

What a Day

(Three tired looking hikers enter, drop packs and flop in a circle.) Hiker 1: (groans) What a day. Hiker 2: (after a pause, groans) What a day. Hiker 3: (happily) Yeah, it sure was! Hiker 2: (angrily) If you can't stick to the subject, I'm leaving! (First two hikers stalk off, leaving third looking very surprised).

The Wrong Skit

For this skit, you need a character from a known skit -- one that was done previous to this one during the campfire, for instance. It doesn't matter who it is or what he's doing, as long as he's immediately recognizable, and of course you use the punch line, "(Looks around; in normal voice,) Oh, sorry! I'm in the wrong skit!" Cast: Announcer, Peanuts Setting: Stage Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! Welcome to the Greatest Show on Earth! Tonight's show will include .... Peanuts: (Stumbles in with ripped shirt, backwards pants, beat up, in cuckoo voice.) Judge! I like to smash Peanuts with a hammer ... (Looks around; in normal voice,) Oh, sorry! I'm in the wrong skit!

You Don't Say!

An easy 2-person skit to place in those loose moments. Cast: Person on the phone, Friend Setting: Living Room Person: (Phone rings, picks it up.) Hello? Yes? You don't say ... You don't say ... You don't say ... You don't say? ... You don't say! ... You don't say. Bye! Friend: Say, who was on the phone? Person: He didn't say!

You Need a Tie, Sir

Cast: Person, 3 Tie Salesmen, Maitre d' Setting: Desert Person: (Gasping) Water! I need water! #1: Sir! Would you like to buy a tie? This one would look so good on you! Person: I want water, not a tie! #2: (After a pause) Sir! We're having a tie sale. Would you like to buy a nice tie for a great price? Person: I'm dying of thirst, and you want to sell me a tie? #3: (After a pause) Sir! I have these fine silk ties at reasonable prices. Would you care to look at my stock? Person: Sheesh! What kind of people sell ties in the middle of the desert to thirsty people? (After a pause; looks to the distance) An oasis! I'm saved! (Scrambles over.) Sir! Please! I would like to buy a glass of water! Maitre d': I'm sorry Sir, but you can't enter this restaurant without a tie.

You've Broken the Rules!

An ingenious one, usually only good at summer camp. Modify as necessary, (or as possible) depending on applicable rules. Cast: Mean Pirate Captain, 6 Pirates, Lifeguard Setting: Pirate Ship at Sea Captain: Okay let's see the first o' you. Which rule did you break? #1: I... I... I ran around in the dining hall when I should have been sitting down! Captain: Walk the plank! And you? #2: I pushed into the canteen line, Sir! Captain: Walk the plank! And you? #3: I wasn't quiet when the sign was up! Captain: Walk the plank! And you? #4: I was talking after bedtime! Captain: Walk the plank! And you? #5: I wasn't listening during badge work! Captain: Walk the plank! And you? #6: I was playing with the campfire! Captain: Walk the plank! The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 102 -January 1997

Lifeguard comes out. Lifeguard: Okay guys, BUDDY UP AND NO TALKING!

Yukon Winter

One day Scouter Kent ( camp chief ) and Scouter Jason ( assistant camp director ) decide to get away from it all and move to the Yukon. The story goes , they sell everything and pack up for a long trip to the Yukon by canoe (get in and row) finally arriving in a sheltered valley they decide that this is the place for them. Kent: "nice place , lets build a log cabin" Jason: Yeah. So they build a cabin after all that work, they have a nice log cabin to survive the harsh weather of the north. Now fall is at the door. Kent: "Winter is coming and we need to cut firewood" Jason: "Yeah". So they start cutting wood with ax and saw -- cut and saw and saw and cut 5 cords, 10 cords, 15 cords (neatly piled as good scouts know how). Kent: "Hey Jason think we have enough for the winter?" Jason: "Yeah, I don't know" Kent ":I heard that there is an old Indian on top the mountain that can tell what winter is like here. Lets go and see him". Jason: "Yeah, OK". So they pack up and start the long trek to the top of the mountain, through the woods. (Demonstrate going through rivers, mud, climbing a cliff, rain, encountering bears, mountain lions, cats, chickens (wild variety demonstrate the trip). They finally arrive at the top of the mountain where they find an old Indian sitting on a rock. Kent, going up to the Indian and says, "Oh Great One I was told that you can tell us how the winter will be. Please help us. We are from the south and we had warm winters and oil heaters!" Jason: "Yeah" The Indian gets up and goes to the edge of the mountain, looks around putting his hand to his brow looks straight in front of him and says, "Cold winter, long winter. He goes back to his rock. Kent: "Thank you wise Indian" Jason:" Yeah , thanks". So they turn back to their cabin. (Demonstrate trek in reverse). Kent: "I do not think that we have enough wood for the winter let's cut more." Jason: "Yeah , yeah" So for the next two weeks , they cut wood -- 20 more cords. Now they had 35 cords and the snow started falling in the valley and it was cold. Kent: "Now we have 35 cords, this should be good for winter". Jason: Yeah Kent: "We should go and see the Indian to ask him how the winter will be." Jason: "Yeah" REPEAT THE TREK to find the Indian on his rock on the top of the mountain. Kent: "Oh Great One how will the winter be?" The Indian gets up goes to the edge of the mountain looks around puts both hands to his brow and says: "Cold winter , cold winter, long winter!" Jason: "Oh yeah" Kent: "Thank you Great One." So back to camp they go. Snow is falling more and more now it is November. Again they cut wood , day and night now they have cut 25 more cords 60 cords in all. Kent: "I think this should be plenty for the winter. But we should see the Indian to be safe." Jason: "Yeah" (Jason should be getting a laugh by now) So again they trek up the mountain for the third time. (Demonstrate trek again) All tired and sore from their encounters, finally, 5 days later, they got to top of the mountain where the old Indian covered with snow sitting on his rock as usual. Kent: "Oh Great One , tell us one more time what will the winter be like?" Jason: "Yeah." Again the Indian gets up goes to the edge of the mountain and putting his hand to his brow and says: "Big winter , very big winter." Kent: "Oh Great One tell me how you know this. Is it because of the mountains the animals? I want to learn how to read signs of nature". Jason: "Yeah" The Indian turning to Scouters Kent and Jason he says, "Easy I look down in the valley and from here, I can see two white men cutting and piling wood like crazy!" The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits -- 103 -January 1997

49...49...49

This skit was performed at S-F Scout Ranch at the Famous Eagle Camp during the summer of 1994. 1st boy walks in and draws an imaginary circle on the ground and start to jump up and down on the circle yelling "49...49...49...49" 2nd boy walks in looking puzzled. He comes up to the 1st boy and says "What are you doing??" 1st boy avoids talking to the 2nd boy a couple of times then he stops and tells the other boy he is jumping up and down and yelling 49...49... 2nd boy asks if he can do it. 1st boy say "Sure." 2nd Boy jumps up and down a couple of times while yelling "49...49..." until the 1st boy pulls the imaginary circle out from underneath the 2nd boy. He then places the imaginary circle to the side a bit and starts jumping up and down yelling "50...50...50..." Version 2: Cast: Jumper, bystander Setting: City Street A person is jumping on up and down, yelling 49! 49! 49! The second person comes by and notices this; he asks what hes doing. Victim: What are you doing? Jumper: I'm jumping up and down on this manhole yelling 49! 49! 49! It's really fun! Wanna try? Victim: Sure! (He takes the jumper's place and yells 49! 49! 49! All of a sudden, the jumper pulls the manhole cover out from under the victim, who falls into the sewer.) Jumper: 50! 50! 50!

The 5th Floor

Cast: Don, Mrs. G., Mr. G., Suzanne, Gary, Friend Setting: Don is telling his friend a story about his strange friends. Don: You know, in my friends' house, they have four floors. And each member of the family occupies a floor. The other day, for instance, I went to the kitchen on the first floor, and Mrs. G. was making a roast. I told her, "Mrs. G., you should bake it at 375 degrees." But she told me, Mrs. G.: (Slaps him in face) Don, you're not making this roast. Keep quiet. Don: Then I went to the second floor. Mr. G. was working on his model airplane. I said, "Mr. G., you should paint this part red." He told me, Mr. G.: (Slaps him in face) Don, you're not making this plane. Keep quiet. Don: Then I went to the third floor. Suzanne was doing on her hair. I said, "Suzanne, you should use some mousse." She spun around, really annoyed, and tells me, Suzanne: (Slaps him in face) Don, it's not your hair. Keep quiet. Don: I was losing my nerve, but I went to the fourth floor anyway. Gary was doing his homework. I suggested, "If you type it out, it'll look better and you'll get a better grade." He got really angry and told me, Gary: (Slaps him in face) Don, it's not your report. Keep quiet. Teller: Finally, I figured I'd go to the fifth floor and ... Friend: But wait a minute. You said there were only four floors! Teller: (Slaps him in the face) Keep quiet! This is my skit!

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

-- 104 --

January 1997

7 Jerks on the Line

A 2-person skit that only requires a length of rope. Cast: 2 People on the phone, up to seven Victims, rope Each person is holding the rope at either end, and talking on the telephone Person 1: I went fishing the other day! 2: Can't hear you! 1: Said I went fishing the other day! 2: Can't hear you! Maybe the phone company needs more telephone poles! Get a couple of victims to hold the rope up in the middle. 1: 2: 1: 2: 1: That better? A little! Try again. Went fishing the other day! Really? Is it a good sushi bar? No! I went fishing! Maybe they need more poles!

Get a couple more victims to help hold the rope up. 1: As I was saying, the spot I was at wasn't great! 2: No, still can't hear you. Did you say you got grapes? 1: Hold on a minute. Get another couple of poles. 1: I said that I went fishing and my luck wasn't too good! 2: That's better! Still a little interference, but you say you hit a puck? I think one more pole will help greatly. Get one more pole. 2: 1: 2: 1: Perfect! Gee! The phones today. Anyway, I went fishing the other day. Oh? And how did you do? Any bites? Not good. But today, I did get 7 jerks on the line!

The MacScouter's Big Book of Skits

-- 105 --

January 1997

Walk-ons, Short Skits and One Liners

The style of a walk-on is simple. A walk-on should in general be pre-arranged with the person who is supposed to be up there talking. If it is not pre-arranged it can be more of a practical joke. While the leader is talking, a Scout walks on stage doing or saying something. The leader responds accordingly, usually in an exasperated way, and the scout then says the groaner punch line. A seriesof Run-ons 1) The first person calls from out of sight "Hey Fred, look! I'm in the top of a 100 foot tall tree." The second person: "But Joe, we don't have any 100 foot tall trees in camp. First person: "Oh noooo....", screams as he is falling. 2) 1st person: "Excuse me, but is that the sun or the moon?" 2nd person: "I don't know. I'm new to these parts too." 3) Two boys playing quick draw: 1st boy: "My Scoutmaster (Cubmaster etc.) can shoot a gun faster than any man in the West." 2nd boy: "Really?" What do they call your Scoutmaster." 1st boy: "Toeless Joe." 4) 1st boy: "I heard you had an accident on your hike today." 2nd boy: "No but I did get bitten by a rattlesnake." 1st boy: "You don't call that an accident?" 2nd boy: "Heck no, he did that on purpose." 5) DRAG: Have two boys drag a third boy across the stage. The third boy says: "What a drag!" 6) Big Chief: Bring in 10 scalps, kill 5 buffalo bare handed and go into desert without water for a moon. Then I will pronounce you Big Brave. You understand? Indian Brave: Yes. What do I do to get pronounced Little Brave. 7) A boy walks across stage carrying a car door. He is asked why he is carrying the car door. The boy answers so that he can roll down the window when it gets hot. 8) The scene is a courtroom scene with one person as the judge. A person walks through the court carrying a sign or a skunk stuffed animal. The judge watching says: "Odor in the court! Odor in the court!" 9) The three boys are in a line facing the audience. Second Boy in Line: This story begins with "Once upon a time" First Boy: Hey, wait a minute, I'm the beginning. Middle Boy: I'm the middle. Last Boy: That's nothing I'm the end. 10) A boy is sitting on the bake with a fishing pole in hand. There is a NO FISHING sign nearby. The game warden appears. Fisherman: Are you the game warden. Game warden: Yep! Fisherman:Just teaching him how to swim(pointing to the worm on the pole) 11) (Boy runs on interrupting leader): "We interrupt this program for an important news flash." Turns flashlight on and off, shining it in the audience's eyes. Most effective at a campfire. 12) 1st Scout: Say wasn't there a rap at the door? 2nd Scout: I didn't hear anything. 1st Scout: Yes, I'm sure there was a rap at the door! 2nd Scout: I'm sure I didn't hear anything. The first scout then goes to the door and brings in a coat and tells the audience as he holds it up for them to see. I knew there was a wrap at the door. 13) 1st Scout: I went fishing last week. 2nd Scout: What did you catch? 1st Scout: Three bass and one smelt. 2nd Scout: It did? Which one? 14) A group of boys are discussing a football game. 1st boy: I sure hope that the ________ wins. 2nd boy: Well I'm sure that _________ will win. 3rd boy: Why ______ will beat them 40 to nuthin'. 4th boy: I can tell you the score of the game before it starts. The Others: Oh Yeah? You're not that smart. 4th boy: Nuttin' to Nuttin' of course (The others chase him off.) 15) First Scout: I bet I can jump higher then a house. Second Scout: I bet you can't. First Scout: Yes I can. Did you ever see a house jump. 16) Leader: I can make everyone in the audience into an old fashioned Indian. Audience: How? Leader: (Leader raises right hand and then says, "How!") 17) Why are you pulling that rope for? Did you ever try to push one.

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Walk-ons, Short Skits and One Liners

18) Wire for Mr. Jones. I'm Mr. Jones. The clerk hands him a piece of wire. 19) Two guys talking, first asks the second where he is going; second says fishing. First asks second what he has in his mouth and the first says worms. The first guy says good luck and slaps second guy on the back. 20) Radio Announcer: We interrupt this program for a spot announcement. Dog (offstage): Arf! Arf! Arf! Announcer: Thank you, Spot. 21) Scout 1:(running on stage) "They're after me!" Scout 2: "Who's after you." Scout 3: "The squirrels! They think I'm nuts!" 22) Librarian: "Please be quiet, young man. The people near you can't even read." Scout: "Then what are doing in a library?" 23) Scout 1: "Did you hear how my mother strained herself." Scout 2: "No, how did she manage to do it?" Scout 3: "She ran through a screen door." 24) Fortune Teller: "That will be $20 for two questions." Client: "Isn't that a lot of money for two questions?" Fortune Teller: "Yes, it is. Now what is your second question?" The Announcement A five second gag to put into a loose moment. Cast: Campfire chief and a volunteer in the audience Campfire Chief: And now it's time to make a spot announcement. (Dog barks from the audience.) Thank you Spot. Going to Court This one is a run on that requires the abovementioned partner whose been around for years and will be for years more, and good timing. One of the nice things about this one is that you can use as little as two appearances or if necessary, you can expand upon it to other situations involving the wordplay about "case" and court. Another line would be at the beginning where the litigant goes to someone for advice, but they say that they don't have a case, prompting them to go buy a briefcase. Cast: Campfire Chief, litigant, briefcase Setting: Campfire Each time the litigant comes in, the campfire chief is about to announce or close a skit. Requires perfect timing or a chief who is able to blend in the litigant's entries perfectly, or both. Chief: Hello? I'm trying to introduce the next item? What are you doing here? Litigant: (coming in with briefcase) Uh, excuse me, but I need to tell you something. My inspection results today were terrible, so I'm going to (lift up briefcase) bring my case to court. Next appearance, the litigant is crawling on the ground with a flashlight, without the briefcase: Chief: Oh, it's you again. What are you doing down on the ground? Litigant: I lost my case! I'm looking for it! Next appearance, the litigant is up on a table, a high chair, a tall tree stump, in a tree, whatever, carrying his briefcase. He makes noise to get attention, and the chief shines a light on him. Chief: What are you doing now? Litigator: I'm bringing my case to a higher court! Last appearance is a little dangerous. Be careful to have plenty of open space where people won't get hurt, and that the chief is ready for this. Suddenly the briefcase is flying through the air and the Chief catches it -- if only to protect the audience :) -- and exclaims: Chief: (Flustered) What's this all about? Litigator: My case got thrown out of court! Version 2: From: Tom Oldershaw Scene: A person standing on a stage reciting a long story (or some other activity). A second person will enter at various stages and interrupt him, after which the story teller starts again. The second person will need the following props: A briefcase, and a step ladder. 1. Person 2 walks on with a briefcase. First person asks him what he's doing. Reply: "I'm taking by case to court". Walks off. 2. Enters again with a step ladder. Same as before, this time replying: "I'm taking my case to a higher court"

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Walk-ons, Short Skits and One Liners

3. This time, person two places the hands of the story teller in front of him, and puts his case on them. "I rest my case" (This one works best when the story teller doesn't know about it). 4. This time, without a case: "I lost my case" [We also "lost the case" by searching all around the stage, cabinets under the stage, near the MC ('scuse me, 'pardon me), under his papers, etc. Then tell him you "lost your case."] 5. Entry with a banana and case: "What are you doing with that banana?" "I am appealing my case!" 6. Next time: Open and close the case as you walk across the stage. When MC asks what you are doing, tell him/her "...it's an open and shut case!" 7. Person enters, case open and inverted. MC asks, "Now what are you doing?" Person replies, "My case got overturned." Beam Me Up Scout: Walks on stage, looks around slowly and says, "Scotty! The aliens are very unfriendly!! Quick!! Beam me aboard!!" Another scout in the audience: THUNK (the sound of a 2x4 landing on stage) Smoke Signals 1st scout, "Hey George, look over there, smoke signals." 2nd scout ,"Oh yes Mike, what do they say?" 1st scout, pretending to look away through binoculars, says very slowly, "Help... My... Blankets... On... Fire. 1st scout looking back at 2nd scout, "Help my blankets on fire?" Scout 1: Scout 2: Scout 1: Scout 1: fast! Little Brother Whatcha doing ? Writing a letter to my little brother. Why are you writing so slowly? Because my little brother can't read very "What? What's all around you?" the first player asks. The other replies, "My belt, of course!" Leaving Player walks across the area scattering handfuls of leaves he takes from a big bag. Another player approaches and asks, "What are you doing?" 1st Player: I'm leaving! -- Thanks to Brenda Beckett, Owen Sound, Ont. Pulling String Two scouts needed, or one scout and the MC. One: (walks onto stage area pulling a string big enough to see) Two:(asks) What are you doing One: I'm pulling a string Two: what are you doing that for? One: Well, have you ever tried to push one?! All Over Me Two scouts needed, or one scout and the MC. "They're all over me, they're all over me!" "What's all over you?" "My clothes!" Throwing Up And one more from me... Walk across the front of the room tossing a ball several inches to a foot up in the air. Set up a plant in the audience or Cubmaster asks "What are you doing?" Replies, " I'm throwing up!" Fire Drill Through the meeting or campfire, different people run through with some container (cups, buckets, cans, etc). Eventually the MC stops one of them and asks what's going on to which the reply is "your tent (car, house whatever) is on fire". Now when we do it we add a great deal to it depending on the location setting etc. The water carriers ham it up by making it look like a real effort or something very serious. The MC makes some comment to the audience each time one runs through including things like requesting a cup of coffee the next time someone runs through. Sometimes we have people "offstage" cheering the runner through. And sometimes we change the "punch line". Like MC: where's the fire?, runner: there's no fire, so & so is thirsty, at which time someone walks across with a cup and wiping their mouth saying ahhhhhhh. I think you can get the idea from there. -- Thanks to Hank Heine:

Squirrels A quickie goes like this: Persons runs "onstage" screaming "they're after me! They're after me!" MC asks "Who's after you" Person replies "The squirrels, they think I'm nuts" Its All Around Me! You need two characters, one on stage and the other to rush on in a panic, swatting the air, looking desperate and yelling, "It's all around me, it's all around me!"

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Walk-ons, Short Skits and One Liners

Alien Alien comes in - traditional "take me to your leader" routine etc. When taken to leader the alien says, "Stop singing, Ging Gang Goolie -- it's our national anthem..." -- Thanks to Karin O'Neil: The Ruler Mike: Why do you keep the ruler on the newspaper when you're reading? Spike: I want to get the story straight! I'm a Rabbit Cub 1: Ask me if I'm a rabbit. Cub 2: Okay Are you a rabbit? Cub 1: Yes. Now ask me if I'm a beaver. Cub 2: Are you a beaver? Cub 1: No, stupid. I already told you I was a rabbit! Missed Scene 1: Guy juggling balls. Drops one. Snaps fingers and says, "Missed!" Exits. Scene 2: Same guy juggling balls. Drops one. Snaps fingers and says, "Missed!" Exits. Scene 3: Same guy says. "If I don't get it this time, I'll shoot myself!" Juggles balls. Drops one. Exits (Sound of gunshot) Same guy re-appears, snaps fingers and says, "Missed!" Pop Quiz Teacher: What has five fingers and can be made of leather? Johnny : Eh... I don't know. Teacher: One glove! Now, what has 10 fingers and can he made of leather? Johnny : Eh.... I don't know. Teacher: Two gloves! Now, who is the Governor General of Canada? Johnny : Eh.... Three gloves? Wait! Wait! Shopper: Have you any four-volt two-watt bulbs? Clerk : For what? Shopper: No, four-volt, two-watt. Clerk : Two what? Shopper: yes! Clerk : No. What a Day (Three tired looking hikers enter, drop packs and flop in a circle.) Hiker 1: (groans) What a day. Hiker 2: (after a pause, groans) What a day. Hiker 3: (happily) Yeah, it sure was! Hiker 2: (angrily) If you can't stick to the subject, I'm leaving! (First two hikers stalk off, leaving third looking very surprised). The Nutty Fisherman Center stage is a lad fishing from a billy can or bucket, he keeps pulling the rod as though he has something on the line. A passer by looks at him as he walks by and then walks on, after a few steps the passer by comes back to the lad. Passer by: "What are you doing there then?" Fisher: "I'm fishing, what does it look as though I'm doing?" Passer by: "Fishing eh!, what are you fishing for." Fisher: "I'm fishing for suckers." Passer by: "Have you caught any?" Fisher: "Yes you're the third today" Bee Sting 1st scout: "OOOOOUCH , OOOOOH , OOOUCH." 2nd scout: "What's the matter with you?" 1st scout: "A bee's stung my thumb." 2nd scout: "Try putting some cream on it then." 1st scout: "But the bee will be miles away by this time." Finale "They're all around me!" "What?" "Cheesy run-ons!

Page 4

Campfire Closings

The Campfire Closings are provided by Hans Hussman As darkness creeps into our circle of light, Embers that glow and sigh Draw our friendship circle closer, Whisper memories that will not die; God's magic danced in our fire's flames, And fills the gathering night With mystery and a wondrous peace. That bids safe sleep 'til morning's light. The stars shining over us, Their light shines before us, Oh God of Nature, Grant to us a perfect peace Once you have been a camper, Something has come to stay Something has come that nothing Will ever take away. We came as strangers, we became friends, we part as brothers. The day was long; we've worked and played, And round this fire, we've good friends made; We've shared a friendship fine and deep, And now this circle leaves to sleep. A fire, in it's later life, goes dim. No longer does it have the fierce brightness of it's youth. Still, it gives a gentle, steady warmth, just as an elderly man or woman shares the warmth of understanding and the steadiness of experience. And, this is a fact of life: all things must die. The memory of those passed on lives deep and dear in our hearts. This fire will fade to cold ash, but it's flame will glow in our memory - Leader, May '91. Around the fire's glow the silent night Pressed close and closer to the dying flame, And in the narrowing circle of it's light Closer and closer to its heart we came. Campfire Closings -- 1 -Hans Hussman

Wood and water, wind and tree, Wisdom, strength and courtesy, Scouting favour go with thee. Sparkling Thoughts You need enough sugar to give everyone in the circle a small handful. After the closing, ask the group to gather around the dying embers. Pass around the jar of sugar and quietly ask people to take some and hold onto it. When everyone is ready, together toss the sugar on the fire. You can compare the flashing sparks and quick flames to happy thoughts or simply enjoy these happy thoughts in silence. When through the woods and forest glades I wander, And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees, When I look from lofty mountain grandeur, And hear the brook and hear the gentle breeze, Then sings my soul, my saviour God to Thee, How great thou art, how great Thou art. Where little furred and feathered folk, In leafy coverts hide, And where the campfire's dusky smoke, Blends with the eventide, I want to breathe that smoke once more, And live by nature's signs, And mountain torrents muffled roar, The silence of the pines. Whatever you are, be noble. Whatever you do, do well. Whenever you speak, speak kindly, Spread happiness wherever you dwell. There is a destiny that makes us all brothers None goes his way alone. What we put into the lives of others, Comes back into our own. We came as strangers, We became friends, We part as brothers.

Campfire Closings

-- 2 --

Hans Hussman

Wood and water, wind and tree, Wisdom, strength and courtesy, Jungle favor go with thee. I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see, I sought my God, but God eluded me, I sought my brother -- and found all three. (After a rainy day) It ain't no use to grumble and complain, It's just cheap and easy to rejoice, When God sorts out the weather and sends rain, Why? Rain's my choice. By the blazing council's firelight, We have met in comradship tonight, Round among the whispering trees, Guard our golden memories, And so before we close our eyes to sleep, Let us pledge each other that we'll keep, Scouting friendships strong and deep, Till we meet again. Slowly the flames flicker and fade, As friends of each this fire has made, Black ashes now, once were livid coals, Reminders to us of Scouting's goals. May the spirit of Scouting rest with you, May the blessing of god remain with you, To each of the message true, Scouting will stand or fall by you. As logs glow upon the fire, So may our hearts glow, And our thoughts be kind, And peace and deep content, Fill every mind.

Campfire Closings

-- 3 --

Hans Hussman

Deep peace of the running stream to you, Deep peace of the flowing air to you, Deep peace of the quiet earth to you, Deep peace of the shining stars to you, Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you. Did you ever watch the campfire, when the wood has fallen low, And the ashes start to whiten round the embers crimson glow, Tell me, were you ever nearer to the land of hearts desire, Than when you sat there thinking with your face towards the fire. (to the tune of Taps) Day is done, gone the sun, From the lake, from the hills, from the sky, All is well, safely rest, God is nigh. Around the fire's glow, the silent night, Pressed close and closer to the dying flame, And in the narrowing circle of its light, Closer and closer to its heart we came. A fire, in its later life, goes dim. No longer does it have the fierce brightnes of its youth. Still, it gives a gentle, steady warmth, just as an elderly man or woman shares the warmth of understanding and the steadiness of experience. And, this is a fact of life: all things must die. The memory of those passed-on lives deep and dear in our hearts. This fire will fade to cold ash, but its flame will glow inour memory. - Greybeard As glow the logs upon the fire, So may our hearts glow and our thoughts be kind, And peace and deep contentment, Fill every mind. Those trees have served us well, That have brought warmth and cheer To our campfire. May we, like these, bring warmth and cheer, To the lives of others.

Campfire Closings

-- 4 --

Hans Hussman

And so, before we close our eyes in sleep, Let us pledge each other that we'll keep Scouting friendships, strong and deep, Till we meet again. Wood smoke at eventide soothes the soul, And makes an easy ladder for a prayer. May the smoke of this fire Carry your thoughts heavenward, And make your hearts strong for good Scouting. Now Chil the kite brings home the night, That Mang the bat sets free. The herds are shut in byre and hut, For loosed till dawn are we. This is the hour of pride and power, Talon, tusk and claw. Oh, hear the call -- Good Hunting all, That keep the Jungle Law. Day is dying in the west, Heaven is touching earth with rest; Wait and worship while the night Sets her evening lamps alight, Thro' all the sky. To do our best each day Is our aim in every way; Be with us good, through the night; That tomorrow we might Perform our duties, learn and play, Grow evere stronger, the Scouting way. My Friends The coals of the council fire burn low, Our council is nearly ended; Let the smoke of the dying embers, Carry our prayers to the Great Spirit; Our council is ended.

Campfire Closings

-- 5 --

Hans Hussman

The embers of our campfire Are now slowly dying, The birds and wood folk have gone to thier rest. The stars shining o'er us, Their light shines before us; Oh God of nature, Grant to us a perfect peace. 37) Let's remember the food we've shared, The games we've played, the songs we've sung; Let's remember all of these things. Let's remember the skit's we've played, The hikes we've hiked, the problems we've shared; Let's remember all of these things. Let's remember the games we've played, The friends we've made, the fires we've burned; Let's remember all of these things. Yes, let's remember all of these things; I now declare this council fire closed, Its memories stored forever in our hearts and minds. May you sleep deep and wake refreshed, With the sun shining down on you and a happy heart. Zulu FarewellGo well and safely, go well and safely, go well and safely, the Lord be ever with you. Stay well and safely, stay well and safely, stay well and safely, the Lord be ever with you. Once you have been a camper, Something has come to stay, Something has come that nothing Will ever take away. We came as strangers, we became friends, we part as brothers.

Campfire Closings

-- 6 --

Hans Hussman

LAST CAMPFIRES Comes the last day of many days, The last campfire of all too few, Last - but not lost. In years ahead, These times our memories shall renew. Each campfire lights anew, A flame of friendship true, The joy we've had in knowing you, Will last the whole year through. Now as we close our last campfire, Let's pause for a moment and praise The Almighty God who saw fit to inspire Our founder, who gave us these days. May the Lord grant us His blessing, And fill our hearts with the spirit Of truth and peace, now and forever more. Try this at a closing campfire. Each of the eight speakers holds up a large card showing his or her letter. You can spell out just about any word that has meaning to the people at your campfire. M is for the memories we share tonight-the memories of camp. O is for the opportunities we have to grow together, to learn new skills, and to share fellowship around this campfire tonight. S is for the super things we have done here and the super people we have met and made our friends. Q is for the quiet times we experience together times to reflect andgive thanks. U is for the ultimate peacefulness of the outdoors. I is for the inspiration we receive from nature and from our friends. T is for the terrific leaders who have been with us at camp. O is for "On with the Show!" Put them all together, and what do you have? MOSQUITO!

Campfire Closings

-- 7 --

Hans Hussman

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